Saving the world is hard, y’all

I know this might come as a shock to some of you but last night I had a revelation and it will change the way I write.  I was outside contemplating the sunset when I realized the pure perfection of the world and my place in it.  That’s why starting today I will no longer be using profanity and all of my jokes will come with a moral.  Like this one I just made up:

“Knock-knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Jesus.”

“Jesus who?”

“EXACTLY, asshole.  Maybe you should go to church every once in awhile.”

And the good thing about this joke is that you can actually use it on strangers when you’re doing missionary work so it works on two levels.  Also I have this other joke about repenting where it’s all “What happens if you don’t ‘pent’ enough?  You have to RE-pent” but before I get to the punchline everyone’s all “Wait.  What does ‘pent’ mean?” and it messes up my flow and so then no one laughs and I’m all “YOU KNOW WHAT?  FINE.  It’s pretty obvious you don’t love Jesus at all.  We’re done with you”  Then I make a big deal of writing their name down on my list of people that I will ask God to curse with gonorrhea.  Of the face.  That way we’ll know who they are by sight and can shun them.  So, you know…get your shunning boots on.

Comment of the day: No, really, Jesus Who? ~ Aprylsantics

144 thoughts on “Saving the world is hard, y’all

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Are my shunning boots the knee-high black ones with the skinny heel? ‘Cause they’re the only ones I really like…

  2. I hope this is just an April’s Fool Day joke b/c if not you’ve just sucked all the joy out of my life.

  3. Whenever someone fucks up my flow in a joke, or tries to guess the punchline ahead of time, or anything like that, I’m like ‘well fuck you then’ and don’t finish, and I just leave them hanging. It works best with one joke that actually has two punchlines, because people always try to guess the punchline for the first joke, and then I’m like ‘Not only am I not going to tell you the rest of the joke, I’m not going to tell you the OTHER rest of the joke’.

    Then I kick them in the testicles where applicable and torch their car, because let’s face it, withholding a punchline isn’t too terrible when they can just google the rest of the joke.

  4. I like to wear my shunning boots as a matched set with my condemnation socks. (But mostly just because wearing boots without socks is a sweaty and disgusting mess.)

    Your joke might be my new favorite joke ever, bumping to second this little gem:

    Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    A: FO’ DRIZZLE.

    That’s right.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Pointlessly Updated TWICE: I’m Totally Like The Charles Schulz Of Bloggers (Except For That I Can’t Draw)

  5. I was going to ask if you were on the meth again, but then I read the comments and noted that it was April Fool’s Day. And I was so looking forward to slamming the door in your face when you reached my house on your missionary trip. Color me disappointed.

    a’s last blog post..Insurance

  6. I’m going to do that knock-knock on the in-laws ASAP.

    FINALLY!! I have a joke for my repetoire that doesn’t include the words jello, penis, cunt, mule and porcupine in it all at once!!

    Thanks Jenny. I’d like to pay you for this joke.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..April Fool Me Baby!

  7. God does not do “poxes” on people because I’ve had shingles twice and he totally would not do that to me because we are tight like O.J.’s glove so the only explanation would be that he was aiming at a heathen and accidentally poxed me BUT God is infallible, therefor you are technically making me question God here. SHUNNED. Everyone shun Vikki.

  8. Can I leave my shunning boots on in bed? Like a porn star?

    That would be totally hot.

  9. Gonorrhea of the face would totally suck. I wonder if your nose runs and it hurts when you blow it… oh jesus… Hey! What the hell did I ever do to you? Not cool.

    mayopie’s last blog post..My First Blog

  10. Abi, I’m assuming you live in one of those backward countries that only does a 12-hour April Fools Day. We’re America. We don’t half-ass it here.

    We’ll pray for you, dirty foreigner.

    PS. Shunned.

  11. i know what you mean – i had the same kind of epiphany last night when i was sitting on the couch watching Barefoot Contessa’s chins and tripping on vicodin: avacadoes are jesus in ugly, green wrappers.

    that gem came from the almighty directly to my lips, i fucking swear to…i promise.

    cat’s last blog post..HOLY SHIT GODZILLA!

  12. Jenny is doing missionary work? Or did she say she was working in the *missionary position*, and my browser just cleaned it up a bit?

    Oh, and my spouse gave me The Pox. For my birthday. As a present. No lie.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..There’s a Tax for That

  13. I heard a joke on the radio this morning about shingles and I wept because it is basically the most awful experience I’ve ever had. Forget gonorrhea of the face. Just make God give every mad cases of the shingles. I’ve never had gonorrhea so I can’t tell you if it hurts or not, but shingles can bring down the mightiest man.

    Who gets shingles twice?

    Krista’s last blog post..Once Upon A Dream

  14. So what if you’re just innocently having ear-hole sex and you get gonorrhea of the face?
    Do you still get shunned?

  15. Apparently April 1st is the best day for shunning. I shunned someone right before I reaad this. Can I please add him to your list of gonorrhea-faced losers?

  16. i need to get a good “Fuck You” dress to go with my Shunning Boots first. Becuase, really, what good are Shunning Boots if you don’t have a stellar “Fuck You” ensemble to accompany it? Jesus knows what I mean.

  17. When watching the sunset it is best not to look directly into the sun…but it it good to look directly at the son…that was like this close to being something with a moral…but not really. Maybe a parable..no not that either.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..A Mess and Stressed

  18. WWJS? (What Would Jesus Shun?)

    That’s ok about losing a follower. I thought ‘Super Why’ (on PBS) said “Vagina is hungry”. Turns out it was “The giant is hungry….”

  19. I don’t think strike-throughs will fool God, missy. He saw your asshole, oh yes he did, so now you’re going to be using your shunning bots on yourself.

    And I’ve just set my own personal best for filthiest sentence ever written at work.

  20. Don’t go changing, to try and please me
    You never let me down before
    Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
    And I don’t see you anymore
    I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
    We never could have come this far
    I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
    I’ll take you just the way you are

    Don’t go trying some new fashion
    Don’t change the color of your hair
    You always have my unspoken passion
    Although I might not seem to care

    I don’t want clever conversation
    I never want to work that hard
    I just want someone that I can talk to
    I want you just the way you are.

    I need to know that you will always be
    The same old someone that I knew
    What will it take till you believe in me
    The way that I believe in you.

    I said I love you and that’s forever
    And this I promise from the heart
    I could not love you any better
    I love you just the way you are.

    Billy Joel probably didn’t know he was writing that song for our love affair.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..March Is Almost Officially Over…

  21. Dammit! I was so looking forward to getting your missionary call. You’d ring the doorbell and I’d answer and you’d be all, “Have you found Jesus?” and I’ll be all,”I’ll find YOUR Jesus!”. And then we’ll go to the bar. Awesome.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Screw You, Steve Jobs

  22. A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, “how can you prove it?” The man, says “come with me.” They go inside the bar. The bartender says, “Jesus Christ! Not you again!”

    Shunning boots be damned! That was a funny joke. And the good part about this joke, is you can use it on strangers when you’re in the missionary position… that’s what you said about your joke, right? Yeah. All over that.

  23. Seriously, when you don’t blog for a few days I get anxiety. Seriously. Don’t you realize I’m stuck in the house with a 7 week old baby and the only form of communication/entertainment is the internets?!

    Bah.
    P.S. Please curse, cuss, whatever. Just do it already.

    Marisa’s last blog post..Adjusting to having spit up in my hair

  24. You just won’t listen to reshun.
    Re-shun, get it? Well, do ya?

    That’s fucking hilarious, and you WILL thank me later.

  25. I’m totally using that knock-knock joke on my parent’s priest during communion on Easter.

  26. I LOVE gonorrhea of the throat cuz there’s only one way to get that, and man does it make you look like a skank.

    Shunning boots sound like some Disney ride, let’s all put our shunnin’ boots on and go visit Br’er Rabbit!

    Vagina.

  27. I am glad you have reformed.

    Spewing your foulmouthed puke, piss, and pus garbage on my nice clean computer monitor was just like spitting on Jesus’s feet, right after he’d taken off his pair of shunning boots.

  28. Oooh I had a killer pair of black thigh high shunning boots….but then I screwed a zombie to save my life. Hey…it was either that or douse myself with vinegar and rub an onion on my head and I so don’t like the smell of onions OR vinegar.

    FYI: never wear your good shunning boots when fucking a zombie. Thanks to poor zombie sex judgement my thighs and boots have a nasty ass hole in them. Can I shun barefoot and limping?

  29. Coincidentally my shunning boots are also my crime fighting boots. So it is convenient really that I wear them because this way I have the option of fighting crime should I feel like it a bit later on.

  30. I’m so excited! My red sparkled shunning shoes came in the mail today. The pope blessed them for me (for an additional charge, of course… Just like shipping insurance.). His eBay store has the greatest array of shunning apparel! Hey, did you get your evite to the 12th annual Shun Run? It’s in Cleveland this year for some reason…. I know I’m gonna make it the whole 50 miles this year! Being excommunicated for not completing the run last year sucked!! Soooooooooooo much paperwork!

    Vagina.

  31. Not swearing on your blgo is the best you could come up with for April Fool’s?!?! Come on! You could have went with something like, ohhhh, maybe Nancy the Paralegal was Fedex’s to you special delivery and you wined and dined (or just wined) until all hours of the night learning her trademark emailing secrets.
    Or maybe that your R.A. got so bad you turned into a pretzel. I think I have R.A. maybe just A. Aw fuck! I threw that in there just for you…the swearing! Don’t be jealous.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Ain’t that a bitch.

  32. lol – it’s nearly easter – can we just crucify them instead? A row of crucified people really says “Jesus Loves Meh (much more than you)”. (I want that on a tshirt.)

    Sheila’s last blog post..Saved by the Amish

  33. Shunning boots must not be a Catholic thing because the sisters at school never mentioned it. Y’all protestants have any interesting spin on things.

    annie’s last blog post..The Bearded Lady

  34. I never knew anyone with G of the face. I did know someone with crabs of the throat – he coughed a lot for a while.

    Can you guess how he got that?

  35. I’m pretty sure you’re going to be sainted for this noble work, especially when The Real Pope gets wind of it. Saint Jenny! Oooh, what day will you pick to be yours?!

  36. Yeah, cursing the non-Christians rather pushes the love and charity off the secular cliff. But damn if it weren’t an ugly-ass gonorrhea cliff with shedding and pustulated edges. “Cleanse in the baptismal waters below, you foul beast. And mind the jagged rocks upon landing.”

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Netting Endangered Mammaries

  37. -Honey, did they just change your medication again? Or is it just some PENT up religious fervour coming out? (Ha! See what I did there? Pent?)

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Your turn!

  38. so YOU’RE the one who puts all the pithy messages on the church bulletin board down the street from my house? it’s all making sense now. earlier this week it said that I killed Jesus and then today it said “deny Jesus, get herpes”. I actually feel better now that you specified that it’s actually going to be gonorrhea of the face…that’s much more comforting.

    Hannah’s last blog post..spread the vomit

  39. I just checked the symptoms of gonorrhea and they include burning sensation when peeing..which would really hurt ones face , and a yellow pus like discharge from the tip of the penis. Which if one had gonorrhea on the face I guess the discharge would come from the nose and then every one would look like they had a really bad cold.

    In an efforto to avoid shunning the wrong people we will need to aks them to pee and see if they wince. If they do shun away.

    William’s last blog post..Bathroom Begats

  40. That’s an old joke. Dates back to the First Century.

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    Jesus.

    Jesus Who?

    Jesus Who Be Gwan Send Yo Ass Ta HELL, Biatch.

    Obviously a Jesus out of the Old Testament, the pimped out version with snakeskin binding

  41. To be shunned in such a manner makes one contemplate the varitable ways a woman might scorn them…I’ll check the mirror from day to day to see if my nose leaks puss…until that day shun on!

    Jason’s last blog post..Release News

  42. My favorite Jesus joke is:

    How do you know Jesus was Jewish?

    He lived at home until he was 30
    He went into his fathers business
    His mother thought he was God . . .

    And he thought his mother was a virgin. 🙂

  43. A guy walks into a bar, slams his fist on the bar and demands a drink. He looks around, then yells “ALL DEMOCRATS ARE HORSE’S ASSES!!!” A guy sitting down the end of the bar yells back: “HEY YOU!! You better watch your mouth!”

    The first guy snaps back: “What are you, a Democrat?!”

    To which,, the second guy responds: “NO! I’m a HORSE’S ASS!”

    I think Jesus would like this joke.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..Hell’s Kitchen: Lacey stands too close to the heat, gets burned

  44. ASKJSLAKSGASJF

    FFFFFUUUUUUUCK.

    I am *so* glad this is an April Fool’s. I was about to throw myself under a bus for a minute there. A bus full of small and easily-tramautized small children, because if I’m going to go out I might as well go out with a bang. Or a pop/splatter.

  45. I told the knock knock joke to my husband and he didn’t think it was funny.

    What an asshole!!

  46. We’ll pray for you, dirty foreigner.

    Do you shun dirty foreigners too? Do we need special boots for that? How about cunt nuggets.. do we shun them? I would so shun them..

    My shun boots have spurs on them.. is that ok?

    Juice’s last blog post..Dear God, Can I have a do over?

  47. Whew so glad this is a joke except the part about you having shingles. I had my daughter the day before April Fools cuz like who wants that day for a birthday. What a nightmare

    habanerogal’s last blog post..Happy sweet 16 Suzie

  48. I’ve read three post, total, and you are my new fvorite blogger based just on those.
    If i get time to read your archive, i may make a bronze idol of you to worship.

  49. Me, I kinda gave up blogging for lent, but only because I’m lazy, and it sounds way better to say it like I’m being all righteous and pope-like. Tonight I was totally channeling The Bloggess, so you may sue me now..

    davido’s last blog post..I am the last guitarist alive

  50. You know, gonorreah of the face is a great conversation starter at parties. It looks like you smeared cheese on your lip and then everyone excitedly asks you where the cheese is. You can send them all over the place looking for cheese- on a wild gonorreah chase if you will. And you know what, I will.

    So maybe you should only give gonorreah of the face to people you like…

    Katherine’s last blog post..My Name is Katherine and I’m a Triathlete

  51. Maybe if I make a Wikipedia page about it, HR will finally let us have a “Sexual Innuendo Day.” Is there anyonew who doesn’t think this shit is funny? Is it that hard???

    That’s what she said…

    See!

    Beth’s last blog post..Things I’m really good at…

  52. So I’m really so proud of you for quitting over the whole sweatering of the cleavage… and I applaud that it’s to “try writing for a year”…that makes it sound like so noble, …hell yeah! Also a really good picture of some awesome cleavage and also how you got your cute pussy in the picture, too. (although I am confused because I looked real close and he seems to have really normal sized lips??!)
    …whadduya mean two posts ago? dammit. shut the fuck!

  53. that joke was awesome. i almost peed my pants. people should almost pee there pants more. you get that belly laugh going then you realize you need to work out and then you try but you fall off the treadmill from going to fast and break your leg and the you get really fat and suicidal and get all kinds of daddy issues then you realise it all started with your father shuning you becasue you blasfimed. whooooo crisis averted, didnt tell my dad the joke yet. thanks for the laugh.

  54. Hardcore says:
    knock knock
    ?Nolan? says:
    who’s there
    Hardcore says:
    Jesus
    ?Nolan? says:
    Jesus who
    Hardcore says:
    Exactly! Maybe you should go to church once in a while!
    ?Nolan? says:
    oh snap
    you just went biblical on my ass
    Hardcore says:
    that made me snort

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