Men don’t understand science.

in advice, important stuff, my cat's toes, Random Crap, this blog cures cancer, wow that's good to know

This was supposed to be a post about how awesome towels are but then my cat Rolly fucked it all up.  I was going to share my discovery about how if you wrap your hair up in a tight towel-turban when you’re upside down after a shower it pulls your face-skin back so it’s all taut and you look like you just had a mini-face-lift which is cool because you can combat the I-feel-vulnerable-because don’t-have-any-make-up-on problem with the but-I-do-have-a-youthful-fake-face-lift thing, but then when I was setting up my camera my cat jumped on my head.  And technically she does that almost every morning but this particular morning I was trying to document my towel discovery and it was fucking up the whole look, but then I noticed that the weight of the cat body actually pulled the towel further back and made the face-lift thing even more dramatic.  Which was kind of great except that she’s so fat that she sqwooshed my neck so I looked even less swan-like than usual but then I thought maybe it was an okay trade-off because her height gave me the illusion of being taller (which is slimming) so then I was totally conflicted and so I went and asked Victor, “Be honest…does does this cat make me look fatter…or younger?” and he just kind of stared at me and I’m all “Seriously, this is not a trick question.  This is for science.”  And then he was all “You know, you’re the reason why that damn cat jumps on everyone’s head.  If you’d stop letting her ride around like that we’d have a lot less people complaining that our cat attacked their head” and then I was all “I’m not even going to talk to you while you’re being ridiculous” and I walked away because Victor’s mother doesn’t count as “everyone” and besides, the cat was probably just trying to make her look younger.  Or fatter.  Hard to tell with cats.

PS.   This is exactly why I keep a tripod set up in my bathroom.  And also, it makes people take faster showers because they never know if the camera is going to go off.  So I’m saving water and inventing beauty tips.  And also I’m making cats more useful.  You’re welcome, America.

I showed this picture to Victor and he was all "Is that my toothbrush?!" like *that's* the pertinent issue. Victor needs to get his priorities straightened out. And also have no idea if that's his toothbrush. I'm way to busy doing science to pay attention to trivial shit like that.

Comment of the day: Clearly, to activate the scientific part of your brain you need a cat to sit on it. That’s why Einstein’s hair was so fucked up.  He didn’t want people to see the cat.  He wanted all the credit. ~ a

223 thoughts on “Men don’t understand science.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’re a science genius. Also bizarrely beautiful with a cat on your head. And why is Victor concerned about his toothbrush? doesn’t he kiss you? isn’t that sharing germs, too?

  4. I used to have a bird that would ride on my head. This would be even more awesome, especially since my cats don’t poop when they get excited.

  9. You should have brushed the cat’s teeth, too. That would have really pissed Victor off!!

  12. What I want to know is where do you get a blue cat like that, because I want one! Also, Rolly is a very flattering color on you.

  13. I’m going to let you decide whether or not to break this to kitty, but having a Bloggess underneath her makes her (the kitty) look fatter AND older. It’s the contrast (he said sycophantically).

  14. Great. Now I’ll have Laurie Berkner in my head all day long…

    My mom has got a cat on her head…
    My mom has got a cat on her head…
    My mom has got a cat on her head…
    Aaaaand sheeee keeps it there all day…

  20. i had a cat that would sleep on my face at night. she wouldn’t be there when i fell asleep, but i would wake up in the middle of the night freaking out because i couldn’t breathe because she was suffocating me and then i’d grab her off my face and she’d freak out and claw my poor wrists to shreds and i’d throw her across the room because i was freaking out so much and she wouldn’t bother me for the rest of the night. i felt bad for throwing her, but SHE WAS KILLING ME so i think i was actually very merciful.
    .-= Becca´s last blog ..027 =-.

  24. Well, clearly, to activate the scientific part of your brain, you need a cat to sit on it. That’s why Einstein’s hair was so fucked up – he didn’t want people to see the cat – he wanted all the credit.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell – Farm Life =-.

  26. You’re doing it wrong. If you shave the cat first, then you’ll look younger. I’m not sure about thinner. I’m pretty sure that you’re the exact perfect weight that you should be. (That answer seems to be the safest….for me)

  27. Bloggess – She of the Furry Crown

    Ruler of Bathroom Towel Facelifts

    Purveyor of Camera Intimidation

    Sharer of Tooth Brushes

    We are your servants

  28. Ok, the next cat I get will be a head-riding cat, because I could certainly use a little face lift action. But it would have to be a lighter cat because a heavy cat could hurt my neck too much. Perhaps I’ll just try to teach the current boy-cat (who is rather light and dumb enough to do this sort of thing) to sit on my towel. The current girl-cat is really not interested in participating in any type of experiments, even though she looks remarkably like the cat on your head.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Fractal No. 236 =-.

  29. Your sample size is too small for a proper scientific study. I’d suggest rounding up about 500 volunteers. They can use their own towels but, for the sake of consistency, you’ll need to supply the cat.

  31. I already wrote a poem about how underappreciated the towel is called “Ode to the Towel” so really your cat just saved you from a lot of embarrassment. She probably read it along with the other eight people and when she heard you were going to write something similar jumped on your head to stop you from doing something stupid. So really, you should be thanking her.
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..The Twilight Zone =-.

  35. Did you take those with the remote or is your camera set up to automatically shoot multiple shots in a row? I’m just curious because of the potty-implications. I mean if Victor is taking his morning constitutional does his movement into the bathroom set off the camera or do you stand just outside the door with the remote and giggle? Either way it would keep him from lingering and he might even decide to drop his duce at some place more private like a gas station. (Wondering if this would work at my house…)
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Meat Loaf =-.

  37. Now you need to figure out how to make your cat jump on people’s heads while they are taking a shower, and the camera is about to go off. That’s when you’ll save water, make people look younger/fatter, AND take possibly unflattering photos of them running out of the shower…

    You crack me up! Oh, and your cat too.
    .-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..Mindful Monday: Winter Greens Edition =-.

  39. I love the towel face-lift effect. I wish it would catch on outside of the bathroom. Younger tighter skin all day and you wouldn’t even have to spend time doing your hair. Fabulous. Maybe with your help and the gorgeous cat accessory you have shown to the world it will be the next greatest fashion fad. Once again you have single handedly given me hope for the future.

    Also, I can’t believe that Victor is worried that you are using his toothbrush to brush your teeth. I would think he would realize that he should be so much more worried what else you have done with it, in the name of science of course.

  40. So would an American Shorthair be a slimming cat? If so, does that make a Bengal the new accessory of the season? What would a Tabby be? A Calico? Does this mean Yorkies are out and cats are in? Omg, I’m so confused now! What’s the new trend forpet accessorization? I’m a single gay man and I can’t afford to be confused about these things. Thanks!
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..Random Adventures and Why I Should be Kept on a Leash at All Times =-.

  43. Your cat is obviously magical, since my cat is also a longhaired fattie and when she tries to stay on my head, she falls off immediately. Taking large chunks of ear with her.

  44. So THAT is what cats are for. I’m glad you told me because I have been trying to find a use for mine and since she hasn’t proven to be useful yet, I was considering giving her to charity or selling her in a garage sale or something. One person’s junk, you know? Not that I am talking about your junk. Or Victor’s junk. Or your cat’s junk.

    Sigh…now I just made myself 100% more creepy.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Nany Nany Booboo Flaps =-.

  46. At least you weren’t brushing the cat’s teeth with Victor’s toothbrush, what’s his gripe?

  47. Jeff’s the same way about his toothbrush. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve brought him down by simply saying, “Dude, you’ve been INSIDE of me. The toothbrush should be the LEAST of your worries.” (I would tell you that our cats look exactly alike, but then I’d be one of those people who tell you that our cats look exactly alike.) ((They do.))
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..I’m packing a firestarter, Drew Barrymore. =-.

  48. Hmm.. couldn’t you just use the cat to dry your hair? Would the facelift still work then? You might look thinner and younger then. Not sure – I know that no one would dare tell you you didn’t look good (… to your face).
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..01.11.10 =-.

  49. I suppose you think the cat on your head is going to distract us from the evidence that YOU ARE WEARING MAKEUP in this photo! The cat is not responsible for you looking thinner OR younger. It’s the lipstick, babe, the LIPSTICK. And you know, a Siamese on your head would make you look even thinner, especially if you add blush high on your cheekbones.
    .-= V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios´s last blog ..A fresh take on valentines =-.

  50. True, but lipstick doesn’t count as make-up because I wear it in the shower. And when I’m sleeping. And when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You think I’m joking but I’m not. I have lipstickaphobia.

  52. I was going to say how happy I am that my cats don’t ride on my head since there are four of them and they would totally be fighting over the priviledge. Only then I saw Craig’s comment and now I have Laurie Berkner stuck in my head. THANKS A LOT CRAIG!

  56. I want to apologize on behalf of the commenters that nobody bothered to tell you whether you looked younger and/or thinner until comment 26. Even after that, there’s only a few that bother to address your scientific study.

    So, here it is:
    If I worked at a bar and you came in, I’d card you. But I’d also tell you that the cat wasn’t allowed in the bar (which would give you neck height upon removal), and I’d try not to stare at the towel on your head. Because I’m polite like that.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Not Just Yet =-.

  60. That cat is so much better than Dooce’s dog that balances everything on its head. You look great with a cat on your head. And it certainly is a fatso cat, (sorry, no offense to the cat), so you must really have a strong neck. Kudos to you for having such fit neck muscles. How does one exercise the neck? You know what…never mind.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Christmas With Giada, Contessa and Cranberries =-.

  61. You know, if you squint and imagine your cat looks more like a pineapple than a cat, then you look almost exactly like Carmen Miranda. Ole! She also looked pretty young and tall so you must be on to something. Your PhD is in the mail.

  62. I invented this years ago when my cat Digger would jump on my Al Qaeda’d head. He died in 1998. You do the math.

  63. that’s exactly why i don’t have a cat, cause you’ll never know what their intention is. i’m deeply impressed that you can handle living with a cat. and that you’re obviously not scared to death when she jumps on your head! i would shit my pants and try to find a safe place to hide, where the cat wouldn’t find me. which would be problesome, cause i’m sure that damned cat would find me. are you sure your cat isn’t planning a brain surgery and running tests for that while she’s on your head? please take care! who else on earth is capable of saving the world if not you.

  65. The cat totally makes you look younger. And also more exotic. I really see this whole cat/towel/turban trend taking off. I’m off to see which cat of ours makes me look the youngest. Thank you for the fabulous beauty tip!!

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..I’m just a blogger… =-.

  66. How do you do it, Jenny? Make cats, towels, and toothbrushing funny? Day after day? We didn’t know that we needed cat/towel/toothbrush humor, but then you write something like this and we think: “Life was colorless and bland before that day.”
    .-= Asha {Parent Hacks}´s last blog ..links for 2010-01-10 =-.

  67. I’ll have to show this to my husband. I keep trying to tell him that our cats are not useless, but he just doesn’t listen!

  70. I’ve been trying for past 10 minutes to tweak “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” for this occasion and while you’re hot you are neither a roof nor tin so it’s not funny.

  71. I can’t even handle how ridiculous this post is. Also, how stupid the comments are on the consumerist post about you. That is also ridiculous.

  72. I am a lipstick junkie, too. I wear it to bed. And if I asked you to open your purse right now and count how many lipsticks were in there, I’d beat you because there are more in mine.

    My cat asks if your cat is a Siberian Forest cat?
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..The High Cost of Healthcare =-.

  73. Close. She’s a Norwegian forest cat. Also, I only have one lipstick tube in my purse but I have many hidden in drawers around the house so I’m never more than a few feet from one in case a beam falls on me and I get trapped.

  74. Fuck…That is terrifying! I’m never coming to your house because I’m completely freaked out by cats hurling themselves at my face.
    .-= Harna´s last blog ..Over The Hump =-.

  75. You just know there is a cat rights group out there ready to send you nasty emails about the exploitation of cats in beauty and fashion and how you’re hurting his self-esteem and sh*t. CATS ARE NOT BEAUTY AIDS! THEY ARE ON THIS WORLD TO LOUNGE, TRIP YOU, AND GIVE US DIRTY LOOKS IF WE DO NOT FEED THEM NOW!

    By the way, will my cat make me look younger if he sits on my head in the morning before I get out of bed?
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Shame on Me =-.

  77. I thought when you said your cat sat on your head, you really meant your shoulder or something, but NO. That cat’s on your HEAD. Impressive, really!

  79. I’m still trying to figure out how you get the turban to stay on with the cat on it. I have a hard enough time just trying to keep the turban from falling off after I wash my hair with no cat involved. What is your secret to the “purrfect” towel turban? Also, I’m wondering if it’s too late to teach my cat to do this? It would totally freak out the dog.

  80. The first thing I’d do if I were ever in your house would be trying to get your cat on my head. We had a cat that would jump onto our shoulders from the ground, but that slacker never did make it to our head. That is just the most awesome thing.

    (and I agree with the person who posted about the bird on their head—-I’ve had a couple of those but they do get excited too easily and then you’ve got poop on your head).
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Hug first, ask questions later =-.

  82. I was trying to visualize how the cat could be on your head. At first I thought you must be lying on your bed, the cat is sitting on your head, and you’re taking self portraits (you know when you hold your hand out in front of you and cut off half your face?)

    Who knew the cats was actually ON your head? I’m impressed.

  86. I’m with Summer. I need a tripod in my bathroom. Why don’t you just smack a web cam on that bad boy with a live feed and bill five zillion dollars for access. It’s not false advertising if there really is “pussy after a shower.”
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..The Benefits of Breasts When Swimming =-.

  88. I’m not going to let my cat see those pictures because she would totally sit on my head if she had the chance. Right now, she’s more interested in wrapping herself around my neck so I sit all hunched forward, keeping me from getting any actual work done. That’s probably a bad thing.
    .-= Twitter Fail´s last blog ..Guy Kawasaki did not invent that motorbike… =-.

  91. You definately look gorgeous and fuck any body that dis agrees. And besides you must be special or no cat would even bother adorning you like that.

  93. I’m giggling so hard I about wet myself 🙂 The pictures just topped the vision off of you walking around with a cat on your head LMAO
    .-= Carol P´s last blog ..Winter Slump =-.

  94. I laughed so hard the people at work think I’m going crazy again.

    I love the “I’ve just had a face-lift look”that I get from wrapping my hair in a towel. I use “spa head wraps” (turban towels) because I can never quite get my towels to stay on my head properly so I have to walk around with my head tilted for it to stay on and it’s not very attractive or comfortable. Of course, the spa head wraps may not work well for you because they definitely wouldn’t make you look taller or provide a comfy place for your cat to rest.
    .-= momsmith´s last blog ..I may have a fever. A fever involving a baby. Otherwise known as "baby fever". =-.

  98. HOW the heck to you get that towel to stay around your body… I can’t ever get my towel to stay up! Is it BIG boobies or is it SMALL boobies… is it super glue… ? ? ?

  99. what’s science-y to me is that your cat can jump onto, balance, sit, and lie on peoples’ (yours and your MIL apparently) heads. i thought that was science fiction until today. science wins again through photographic evidence.
    .-= Lusty Reader´s last blog ..Library Loot: eclectic as usual =-.

  100. The cat leaping on the head is a deterrent to unwelcome, anti-kitty houseguests. It’s sort of like a test. If they can deal with the cat attack, they can stay. What’s the problem with that? The cat lives there, the people are just visiting. Who’s more important?

    Psst, the cat does make you look taller, but it can’t make you look better. You already look awesome.

  101. This is how egyptian head-dresses got started you know… History. We are doomed to repeat it.

    P.S. I love the blue cat. Pimpin.

  103. Out of the six cats that live at my house (only two of which are actually mine…the rest are other two roommates) we have never had the pleasure of cat on head. I will start training on this at ONCE.

    I am writing down the tripod idea right now…**slaps self on forehead** WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Upstairs Fucktard Asshats =-.

  104. Can your cat jump on heads on command? Because that would be awesome. As soon as you get sick of a guest you could say the magic word and BAM! cat attack!
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Tune In =-.

  111. I’m sorry – this made me giggle. Cats would make for great face-life tools, were it not for their claws (which are better face-removing tools).

  113. I’m pretty sure your cat is wondering whether you make her look better!

    “Be honest. Does this person make me look fierce or fat?”

  114. 1. I like your new hat.
    2. PETA called.
    3. The cat is still alive judged by the series of shots so they are ok with it eventually.
    4. I always thought movies lied when they showed people with make-up looking glamorous right when they got out of bed. Now I know: I was wrong. Fabulous people can always manage to look like that. Even after they just had sex.
    5. Please walk straight to Patent office and file this age-reverse method.
    6. ADA called. They would like to use these pictures of their next member newsletter.
    7. Have to admit: I was hoping for the towel to fall off… (yeah, I am female and straight but you are something else m’lady…)
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget about WTF Wednesday… =-.

  117. Man, I’m feeling a little jipped in life. All my cat does is pee on the bathroom bathmat, and lick his back hair off.

  119. I must say that I envy how young that cat makes you look. I wish my kitties could learn to sit on my head so that I could get a free facelift every now and then. Not to mention Rolly on a towel makes for a pretty damn fashionable headpiece…

  122. FYI, do not work on your eyebrows when your hair is back in the towel and your face is looking great. Really. Once the towel is gone, people are going to ask you about rick-rack brows being a new statement. Not that I would know.

  124. Alls my husband could say when he saw the picture is “that’s a big cat!” which I assume is his way of saying you are very tiny and quite possibly so small you are near nonexistant…
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Enough Already! =-.

  126. I have a high-maintenance (for a cat) diabetic cat and I have long wondered what she could do to give back in the relationship (being adorable is nice but doesn’t always cut it). Now I know. Since all the money I would have otherwise saved up for a mini-face-lift went to pricey cat kibble and insulin over the years, she owes me at least the temporary illusion of younger, tighter skin. I’m takin’ this “cat-on-your-head” thing for a test drive…
    .-= Snarkier Than You´s last blog ..Male Strippers, a Van & Twitarded has a Play Date =-.

  129. Wow! That is a PUMA! And yes, you absolutely look younger and more radiant with Rolly on your head. Now, if Rolly were under the towel, his tail could almost be a lovely pony tail…and he would just appear to be a large “Bumpits”. Just think of the envy of the girls in your neighborhood when they see your pony tail moves magically on it’s own.

  130. That was funny! I think I may have your cats twin. My cat looks just like yours. She however has not learned to balance on top of a towel wrapped on my head. I feel inspired though and will begin cat training lessons very soon. Thank you for sharing your scientific journey.

  132. I’m a little concerned with your cat. it seems a little blue and might i add quite huge. I can see where he would squish up your neck while perched atop your turban.
    Maybe i could borrow that cat for a while. He could hold on to my love handles from behind and stretch them till my stomach is flat…maybe? Just for a day or so?
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Because seriously, i’ve been cleaning up peecrap for 2 days =-.

  134. I wish my cat would sit on peoples’ heads.

    She sits on shoulders, which is a little less exciting.

  135. That is so AWESOME that your got your cat to sit on your head. My bird would sit on my head but then he would shit. So I never let him sit on my head so then then was relegated to my shoulder and would squawk in my ear and shit down the back of my shirt.

    Hopefully your cat didn’t shit on your head. That would NOT be awesome.
    .-= QandleQueen´s last blog ..Social Networking – Female Style =-.

  137. Wait, Jesus DOESN’T want me to do cocaine? Oops.
    The firestorm of Dr. Pepper controversy is KILLING ME. Funniest thing EVER!
    .-= Leigh´s last blog ..angels =-.

  138. If Victor really had your best interests at heart, he’d ask thoughtfully whether that was inadvertently the CAT’S toothbrush, and then if it was, he would rescue you from yourself–and from all those butt-licking-cat germs–by letting you borrow his toothbrush to clean away the nasty cat residue in your mouth. Thanks a lot, Victor, for not even worrying that she might have picked up the cat’s toothbrush by mistake!
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Siren Call of Stuff (part 1) =-.

  142. I am laughing so hard that I can’t for the life of me think of something witty to say!
    Thanks for being you 🙂

  144. What is WRONG with Victor ?!!?!!!

    The man doesn’t appreciate scientific inquiry, preserved boar, or womencolds. . . .

    How do you put with this ?????

    You are truly a saint.

  145. Can I have your cat. My MIL visits like twice a week in the summer.
    You know what fuck that you need to keep your cat I will get my own. It will serve three purposes since it will be long haired…one MIL repellent, two my own little face lifter since a cat will be less expensive than a laser facial and three…my husband is bald and longs for the days when he had hair. (is there supposed to be an apostrophe in the word days?)
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..I Love Your Blog…the Chick Edition. =-.

  146. That cat is HUGE! Your neck muscles must be very strong. Plus, I don’t know what Victor is talking about… Yea it sucks at first as the cat lands, but then you have a CAT on your HEAD. She looks awesome. I think cats on heads will be the next fashion accessory.

    Also, I saw this and thought of you and James Garfield:
    http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/92609

    I think you should make some curtains or something out of some fabric, or maybe a hat for James Garfield, or maybe a cape? I think it would be awesome.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..I love you, Ikea. =-.

  148. but seriously.
    your cat….
    sits….
    on your head….

    for like an extended period of time.

    that’s epic.

    and my cat sucks. He only sits on towels on the ground.

    **useless**
    .-= Maggie´s last blog ..Being a Grown-Up BLOWS. =-.

  149. You get towel facelifts? Wow. My husband says I only get Vulcan eyebrows when I wrap my hair in a towel. Maybe it will work better if I teach my dog to sit on my head? We don’t have a cat.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..5 Homemade DIY Sleds =-.

  151. Jenny, I think that’s *my* toothbrush.
    And yeah, your cat is totally making you look younger. I was thinking when I get older I’ll need botox. Turns out I just need a cat. Allergies aside, I think this is a brilliant idea. However, I think you may be sucking the life out of your cat in order to look younger…he’s looking a bit old, maybe there’s an even exchange? Nice of your cat to sacrifice his youth for yours.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..P.S. Bitter almonds + water = bad things =-.

  155. The first run through this paragraph was like driving fast through a bad neighborhood and getting hit by a paintball. “What was that?!”, you yell, and your shotgun says, “Keep going!” I should have stopped at this phrase, “…when you’re upside down after a shower…”, and checked for damage, but I ended up with you on your back athwart the bed with your head dangling off the edge upside down and the cat sitting on your neck, sqwooshing it.

  156. After reading this, I’ve spent a while going over the whole ”Is it still wrong to wear fur if it’s still alive?” question and although I think I’ve figured out the meaning of life – I’ve also considered that although it’s not wrong to wear fur if it’s still alive…it’s probably friggin’ impractical. Also, I can’t wear my dog on my head since she’s waaaaay to big for that sorta thing, and I would end up just looking fat not younger. Plus, she just refused to give it a try so we are no longer on speaking terms….
    But this is my first time on your blog and let me be honest here….I’m pretty sure you have a new stalker! 🙂 (don’t worry, I won’t get creepy…..*shifty eyes*)
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..It’s the same ol’ me, with a new fresh image =-.

  159. Too bad my son is allergic to cats! Just thinking of the money I could save on future facelifts if we had a cat instead of a yellow lab… Think wearing him on my head would give me the same effect? Or he could make me look like a munchkin… not sure I could pull off 100 pounds riding on my head, although I am sure you could!
    Oh- and everlast lip color by Covergirl is terrific… it doesn’t come off until you want it to, so even after a few minutes, er, NIGHT of passion, the lips are still in place- regardless of where everything else is!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..I Love the Smell of Roses… just gotta take the time to find them! =-.

  162. I had heard rumors that there was at least One blogger out there… yes… a womaness… who gets an insane amount of visits each day. And comments, oh the comments!! But I confess that only today did a former friend send me your link. She is my former friend, because I’m sure I’m not allowed to have visitors in seclusion, which is where I’m headed. Right now. To wait out my catatonic shock at (a) your delightful wit (damn! Your visits are deserved!) and (b) the sheer reality that not every blogger is limited to 300 hits (or 23) and 3 comments (on a good day). Sigh. I hate you. The cat, however, I adore. Definite skills.

  167. You are so fucking weird. I love that about you. I will hopefully have my computer issues fixed soon so that I can comment regularly again. And… I hate to break it to you but that is not science.

  169. That is it…you have confirmed for me that my cats are useless as well as clumsy. Those lazy bastards cannot even walk across the back of the couch without falling off! I think my cats are defective.

  170. Is there an e-mail link anywhere on this site? I wanted to tell you thank you for brightening up soooooooooo very many of my days. I adore this cat face lift post, particularly since it’s illustrated. But my fave so far is one of your Tweets:

    “Anne Frank zombie = nobody needs that.”

    Literally LOL. I think you’re fabulous and, although I’m sorry you hate to put up with so much hate mail recently, your responses were so hilarious that I would’ve hated for you not to have the opportunity to share them with us. The diet/not diet Pepsi post was entertaining, but the followups were several levels up in hilarity – each one funnier than the last. And the last, with the summary of recent posts, was just off the charts. I hope you happen to be aware of the fact that people will write way more often to complain than they will to compliment. Because you have tons of fans, and who cares what people think when they can’t spot satire when they see it.

    Love. Your. Writing!

  173. More questions:

    Doesn’t that thing compress your spine like a slinky? Would you be a lot taller without the cat? Did you put the lipstick on just to torture me?

  174. I totally get the science. And how cool is it that your cat perches on your head. Uh…Wicked cool. Hello? I say if Victor really cared if you were using his toothbrush he would have used a labler to label it VICTOR’s TOOTHBRUSH. Just sayin’!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Wonder Woman vs. Catwoman =-.

  175. And to think that I think our cats are heavy when they lay on my head when we sleep. I dont think I could carry them around on me like that. Also? According to Victor’s logic I should stop letting the dog sniff my butt so she won’t do it to strangers. Where’s the fun in that?
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..I Am a Vampire, but There Are Drugs for That =-.

  177. You have a cat on your head. I have never seen anything like that. Yeah, we used to put the hamsters on our heads when we were kids but they were little. That is a huge assed cat. Your face does look rather pulled back however. Would a labrador work?
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Inappropriate Behavior =-.

  178. This is the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time. I also has a cat named Rolly, but he never got on my head, he would slap my ass when I walked by though.

  181. Yet further proof that cats are extremely weird and/or stupid. My mother’s cat likes to sit on boobs that are framed by crossed arms, which is somewhat inconvenient considering it renders your arms useless.
    Did I mention I meow in the cat’s face when I get sick of it meowing?
    (detest cats, love science)

  182. I’m just amazed that the cat didn’t claw you at some point. If it were my cat on top of my head, she would only be there for quick access to her “petter”. If I don’t pet her on demand, she reaches out and pulls my hand in with her claws. I’d end up with claw marks all over my face.
    .-= Marianne´s last blog ..When You Don’t Know How To Express It…Filler Up. =-.

  187. I think we have the makings of a winning Parlamentary platform here. The combination of the shared toothbrush and camera/shower setup gives you a sound environmental policy (not to mention the fairly unlimited potential of the potty-cam once you’re actually in DC. Think ‘wide stance’). PETA would definitely have to get behind your kittay-as-pastic-surgeray plan, given its implication for the homeless pet population. You’re all PC/culturally-inclusive with the turban and all (too far?). All you need now is a catchy campaign song. Why am I thinking “Walk Like an Egyptian”….
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..The Theory of Optional Delusion =-.

  189. Pingback: Today « Drama For Mama

  190. my cat, god, says tell rolly that no, sitting on your head does not make her look fat. just hot. and that green is a good color for her cause it brings out her eyes. and her inner ear.

    oh, and he wonders if she likes guys who are comfortable enough in their own fur to wear pink collars with bling and a bell.

  191. This is why I love the Bloggess. She doesn’t just talk the talk she walks the walk. Most people make up shit like this and bedazzle it to give it extra zing. She just puts the fucking cat on her actual head and takes a picture. Simple, pure, real and hilarious.
    By the way, you actually do look like you got a really aggressive facial or something. The towel facelift works.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..This is you, as seen by me =-.

  192. OMFG I HAVE THAT SAME TOWEL! HOW FREAKY IS THAT???

    With love from Humble, Texas: World’s Biggest Oxymoron.

  194. My friend was trying to decide whether or not to have her pic hang outside the science dept. of her school, when I saw this it was like a stroke of genius, she’s totally going to do it…..if her cat cooperates!

  196. your cat is awsome. The most mine every did was wake me up at 3m, trying to jump in the window hanging onto the side of the house.
    .-= Divinenine´s last blog .. =-.

  197. I noticed that most of the respondents are attempting to match the author’s wit. Just stop it. You are diluting the hilarity as well as the science. I can’t sleep now thanks to you because I don’t want to close my eyes in fear of everyone stabbing me while I sleep, which I guess I deserve after that comment, but seriously….I am so confused. Dogs are just as cool btw but their balls would hang over your forehead making you look old but wise, so there’s that…

  200. “when you’re upside down after a shower” …? Um, I’ve NEVER been upside down after a shower. Maybe you need to get a less-slippery bath mat.

  201. christ on a cracker! i have no idea how i stumbled upon your blog this evening, but as i’ve read through post after post I AM LEGITIMATELY DYING from trying to stifle my laughter so that it doesn’t wake my sleeping baby. this one did me in – i choked on my own spit and had to cram a pillow over my face while i wheezed out uncontrollable giggles. all i can say is, nicely done. and i will be reading.

    cheers!

  202. Pingback: You brought this on yourself, Morgan Freeman — TheBloggess.com
  203. Pingback: Grendel on the Brain. Literally. « Oddment! Tweak!
  204. Pingback: Random Ramblings of an Insomniac: Boobquakes, dangerous squirrels, things we already knew about men — TheBloggess.com

  206. can i put this picture up on my facebook please? i’ll be all “y’all this is why i love the Bloggess” and my friends will totally get it.
    figured i’d get written permission from you 1 so it’s legit and 2 so when you tell me it’s cool i can tell everyone that you wrote something to me 🙂

  207. Coming late to the party, as usual, but laughing til I am crying AGAIN in my cubicle at work.

  208. thank you for that. i kinda choked quite a bit here when i began to laugh because i’m laying down with a 15 lb. laptop on my, well – lap. however, unless i start bench pressing it, it will amount to nothing like your science project success. thank you for risking having your new temporary facelift clawed to kitten bits in the name of science. the choking was worth it.

  209. I have heard of asshats but not facelift cathats before. I am all enlightened. I don’t think this would work so well with the Crack Puppy. Her claws are way sharper than a cat’s.

  212. I am also sorry to hear about your lost cat. But – cats do tend to find their way home again. I won’t tell you the story about the family in Russia who moved from Moscow to Odessa and their cat went missing almost immediately only to turn up some 1,000 miles away at their old home in Moscow 10 years later, because that probably won’t cheer you up since you don’t want ot wait 10 years to have your cat back. Plus you haven’t recently moved from Moscow.

    I will however tell you about our cat Assar who went missing just after Christmas. He’d been out on walkabouts before so we were not all that worried the first couple of days, but after a week we started to get concerned. We put posters up and had people looking for him but no sightings. After about 3 weeks we started to realise he had probably been in an accident, and that he wouldn’t come home anymore. Those were dark times. Another month went by and we had just started to adjust to a life without Assar when he suddenly appeared on the internet, larger than life! It turned out he’d been in a fight and was bleeding, so some kind (but confused) person catnapped him and took him to the vet. There he was scanned for a microchip ID, but they couldn’t find one, so they sent him off to the home for lost cats, who later advertised him on their web site, ready for adoption. So, in the end we did get our cat back (even though we had to buy him back from the cat home), and we still don’t know why his microchip ID didn’t show up at the vets.

    My point is don’t give up. Cats are strange and surprising animals. Not like dogs. When dogs go missing they stay missing until you find them. Stupid animals (and, yes, I’m talking about YOU @LydiaOfficeDog!).

  213. Thinking good thoughts for you, Jenny. I had a cat go missing and then just waltz in back home after 2 weeks had gone by. Like it was No. Big. Deal. Damn cats. They’re heartless…but I love mine. Fingers & toes are crossed….

  215. If she is anything like my cat, she won’t have gone far. Check your landscaping, she’s hopefully just hiding in there feeling sorry for herself. Since she’s a cat, she is constitutionally unable to come when you call. Yes, racial profiling. Sorry. Hope you find her soon! *hugs*

  216. You’ve got kind of a twisted Carmen Miranda thing going on there, chica. And it’s wonderful. Towel is probably a necessity, though…cat claws in the scalp are a bit less than comfortable.

  218. Omg!!! Crying here, laughing too hard!!!!! Cats are so awesome! Wish mine did something to make me look skinny 🙂 So great!!!

  222. You are adorable with or without the cat. When you are in Japan, check on what they think a cat over your head means – I recall it was something with evading blame.

  223. Sometimes, the co-opting of a toothbrush is necessary regardless of the present cat-towel relationship. It can affect volume, however.

    “I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up; I’m wearing a towel.”

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Dance recital problems- when you take your ponytail holder off but your hair remains in a ponytail.
Mysteries from the post office, part 3.
Victor said there was a life hack for removing these without scissors and I was like, “Yeah, I already know one” and now I’m bleeding.
Hailey wrote a 10 minute play for school called Happy Fun Times and it won the audience choice award last night! So proud of them.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

%d bloggers like this: