My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.

Holy crap, y’all.  I have my first real writing gig.  Writing an advice column. That just happened.

It’s for this company called PNN and I think it’s like CNN for chicks.  I’m afraid to ask what the P stands for.  All I know is that in spite of many, many emails letting them know what a horrible mistake they were making they were still all “Meh.  What’s the worst you could do?”

Me:  Hey!  I made a banner for the advice column:

PNN: Wow.  Let’s hold off on that one for a week or so.

Me:  I’m working on my first post.  You’re probably going to get sued.

PNN: We scoff at lawsuits.

Me:  I’d like to get paid in monkeys.

PNN:  We will give you several t-shirts with your face on them.

Me:  Can I have one with a big picture of me on it and it’ll just say “Why yes, actually.  I *am* wearing my own shirt.”?

PNN:  You are very weird.  Surprisingly, we still want to work with you.

This is probably going to be a disaster awesome.  Now someone please come over here and ask me for advice or else I will stab one of you in the ankle.

Comment of the day: I’m just gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs. Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen? Dear Ask the Blogess on PNN – Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex? etc.etc. Then you can just post your entries over again — I’m just saving you time. I’M HELPING YOU.  ~ emmysuh

95 thoughts on “My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m just gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs.

    Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen?

    Doear Ask the Blogess on PNN – What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?

    etc.etc.

    Then you can just post your entries over again — I’m just saving you time. I’M HELPING YOU.

  2. Dear Bloggess,
    My anti-anxiety meds are having the exact opposite side effect that they are supposed to and have exponentially increased my sex drive rather then killing it. Now I want to have sex with my husband all the time which is throwing off the time tested ritual of marriage and kids killing your sex life. So now I either have to lock my kids in the basement twice a day or go off my meds, which do you recommend.

  3. You’ll be great.

    Although their regular readers better get over here pronto so that they get your brand of crazy. We already get it, no honeymoon period required.

    Heh. I said period. Suppose you’ll get questions about that?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Charlie

  4. Dear Bloggess,

    It depresses me when I go on facebook and it says “Diana has two friends”. Seems really pathetic ya know. Remember the I love Lucy episode when she joins the friends of the friendless. I totally identify with that. And the two friends aren’t really friends. They are people I knew in High School. I think I used to party with them. Actually I don’t really remember them.

    What do I do?

  5. There’s a comment section at the bottom where you can leave your question but for some reason it doesn’t ask for your url. Weird. I’m asking them to fix that. Also it auto-checks the “do you want to keep up with this conversation?” box. UNCHECK THAT OR YOUR EMAIL WILL EXPLODE.

  6. Oh yeah. What if I said I didn’t have any ankles? What then?

    But I do. So that’s where the monkey’s can hang on once you start giving them away and I win one. Oh yeah.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Food For Thought

  7. I made a little mistake on the new blog. I asked you the question “What?” when I meant to ask “When?” Please update. Thanks.

    And cool!

  8. Dear Bloggess,

    I was recently stabbed in the ankle. By a writer. What should I do? I guess I should mention this was an online writer and she stabbed me with a thinly veiled logo that asks me WWtBD, only I have no idea what the bloggess would do, since my first guess is stealth retribution stabbing but she hardly ever stabs people. She says.

    Naptimewriting’s last blog post..Never, never read the news

  9. Don’t I need to be a girl? I’d go there & get all shy & excited at the same time, like when I accidentally on purpose went into the girls’ changing room at school. Maybe I should go on & ask “how do I become a girl so I can ‘Ask the Bloggess’? Please don’t stab my ankles – I ruptured my Achilles playing softball! Thanks

    Greg’s last blog post..Istanbul Travel Blog 1: Getting There

  10. Dear Bloggess:

    What can I do to get laid? Do you recommend “male enhancement”? And should it be “natural” or whatever the opposite it (“otherworldly”)?

    Sincerely,

    Put Off in Hoboken

    Spamboy’s last blog post..The First Folio

  11. What the hell? You write a dark, angsty post about how you’re giving up your safe job to follow your dreams and not even a week later you’re an advice columnist? I was looking forward to several good posts about having to decide between eating the kids and pawning your knife collection, or how a good mother juggles her pimping responsibilities with those of PTA president. Couldn’t you have at least pretended to be an out of work hippie like the rest of us?

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Finally, a post NOT about assholes!

  12. Well, I don’t know. I don’t need advice. I could spread the word though. Would there a t-shirt with your face on it in it for me if I did? Guy Kawasaki is giving me a tee just for mentioning Alltop for him (See? I sneak it in all over. And for a shirt. I work very cheap. Think about it.)

    annie’s last blog post..New Law to Let Obama Control the Internet

  13. This is a match made in heaven.

    See how I did that there? Connected the writing thing with the Jesus thing?

    Nevermind.

    Dory’s last blog post..Bling!

  14. “Dear Bloggess:

    What can I do to get laid? Do you recommend “male enhancement”? And should it be “natural” or whatever the opposite it (”otherworldly”)?

    Sincerely,

    Put Off in Hoboken”

    – Dear Put Off in Hoboken,
    first –
    I’d recommend male enhancement only if you have already arrived at the door step of an actual sexual encounter and the girl suddenly realizes her goldfish have totally not been fed for 3 days and must leave immediately…

    second – work on your wooing skills if you have not.

  15. Dear Bloggess,

    What do I do when someone tells me to go to their advice collum page and ask for advice, even though I don’t know what to ask for advice about, or she’d stab me in the ankel?

    Signed,
    Doesn’t want to get stabbed in the ankel.

  16. Dear Bloggess,

    Sorry about the phone… been having hassles with the outsourcing of the JC Call Centre. Might get Dad to do a little smiting.

    Anyway, this time around the easiest way to contact me is to ‘follow’ me Twitter.

    cheers

    Jesus_de_Christ
    http://twitter.com/jesus_de_christ

    Jesus_de_Christ’s last blog post..jesus_de_christ: I love kickin’ back at this time of year with some water, wine, loaves & fish to watch this http://tinyurl.com/dzoem6 – Keeps me human 🙂

  17. I was going to ask a question about my abject fear of horny unicorns but if I have to wear a t-shirt with a woman’s face on it, I better pass. I don’t think my wife would understand any of this. I don’t.

  18. Dear Bloggess, I need help producing a pivot table. What size chisel do you recommend?

    I have no idea what a pivot table is.

  19. You know, every day I read your blog I get advice that I didn’t even know I needed. Thank you.

    But my burning question: is Nancy going to offer helpful advice that you can relay to your readers?

    Dingo’s last blog post..Welcome to Crazytown

  20. An advice column? My life is now complete. I can die happy. After I ask some advice.

  21. You KNOW that I am the one who suggested you should have an advice column.
    Yes?
    Anyway, my lawyers will be talking to your lawyers just as soon as they get out on work release in a couple of months, provided there aren’t any more incidents of indecent exposure like that last time . . ..

    You should be sweating, baby. You’re in the Big Leagues now. It’s put up or STFU.

  22. Wow. TheBloggess, with her own advice column. I *am* impressed. Of course, it probly won’t be too long before PNN is PWN’d by the PI lawyer for “Inflicting mental Anguish upon the Entire Internet”, but it ought to be a fun ride, nonetheless.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..Macro Monday: Purple Peepseleater

  23. I would totally ask you for advice. And Jesus is really bad at answers. He’s all “wait, my child,” when I want a flat out “Yes, you can have whatever you want.” So when I ask for advice, you already have the answer that I want to hear. No brainer.

    cluckandtweet’s last blog post..It’s the Big One!

  24. That reminded me of a bumper sticker I once saw, WWSD, What Would Scooby-Doo? I don’t think it is as hard to get Scooby on the phone.

  25. You just quit your job and already you have a new writing gig? The lord must not have this karma thing figured out yet. I mean, you virtually stab someone every day. This morning I gave a man outside the donut shop a dollar and later I was blown into a palm tree while walking to work.

  26. One time I walked around the block in pointe shoes, on point, and a car ran in the ditch. The guy jumped out and screamed, “Holy crap! Are those really long nubs? Where are your feet?” I just kept going without acknowledging him because he seemed like he was going to attack. Plus I just couldn’t believe that he called my legs “really long nubs”. Should I conduct this experiment again, or is it too dangerous?

  27. Whoo hooo…one more thing to keep your attention away from writing the book. I’m sooooo gonna win!!!! MWAHAAAHAAAAA (that’s my evil laugh and it’s really scary so you should be running in fear…but not toward your book because that would thwart my evil plan)

  28. so i totally looked at your advice column, obv i always click on links even though sometimes they take me to pictures of people with giant balls but that may or may not have just been a dream….but i am positive the links take me to tampon flash drives sometimes and i’m shocked even though it was like HERES A TAMPON FLASHDRIVE LINK-wait what was i saying?

    oh yes.
    i looked at the column.
    it was nice.

    how will you reply?
    iwll you reply openly?
    can i read everyone elses personal and embarrassing problems ?!

    squee! i hope so!

  29. hmm…idk wat 2 ask, cause my life is all effed up absolutely PERFECT, esp since I now actually have ankles for you to attack, as opposed to CANKLES which looked bad, but wouldn’t have felt any pain…

    WTG, Jenny. I’m really proud of you. You are the most FUN part of my day. The more you write, the more fun I have, so keep it coming!! 🙂

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  30. go ahead, stab away. i’m a safe distance away. probably. then, while someone else is bleeding profusely from the ankle, we can all email you for advice in dealing with the situation and the emotional trauma. it’ll be fun for most of us!

    Ericka’s last blog post..Playin’ in the Mud…

  31. Congratulations! I think I’d consider your advice, frankly. Anyone who doesn’t bore me to death gets my vote. Yours is only the third blog I ever found to fit that criteria. Good luck with the gig!

    spazz.me’s last blog post..Queen

  32. so, I doubt Jesus even knows what a phone is so he’s probably not even getting your calls…but that’s okay, I don’t think Jesus knows very much about cyclopses anyways. I’d rather have you

    Hannah’s last blog post..fun times in Nor*Cal

  33. You are hilarious. Almost as hilarious as I am. But nevertheless, you have a high level of lariousness of which I appreciate.

  34. Additionally,

    WWtBD is pretty much as catchy as WWJD. I concur he’s a busy man–just like good manicurists…always booked.

  35. Where the heck is our advise, miss advise columnist (wow that sort of looked like advise communist for a second, that is a whole different ball game)? You do know how this whole advise column thing works, right? You are supposed to answer the questions on your column. Not in private side bars that no one can appreciate. So why do you care what our URLs are? That’s just asking for blog self-promotion from some of these attention whores (ok I mean that in the nicest way you attention whores)!

  36. This is so sweet! Because now I can cut & paste “Ask The Bloggess” into my blog instead of just “The Bloggess” and then of course edit out the the Bloggess part, and voila! Content for AskDrDing. Or I could just cut & copy the”Ask” part. YES.

    😀

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Queen Bodacious’ House Of Sass

  37. and all along I was content with fantasizing about a WWJJD? (What would Judge Judy Do?) advice column.

    I think your advice column would be kind of like the Seinfeld episode where George does the exact opposite of what his instincts tell him to do. Only it would be your advice would be the exact opposite of what any rational advice columnist would provide. What the recipients should do with it … well, hmmm.

    so about my fucked up love life where all the men I desire desire someone else and all the men who desire me make me want to run away puking? whatcha got for me?

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..saturday morning…

  38. dear Bloggess, how come when i was 10 and mom called dad an asshole i was all like,i hope he don’t get the gun and kill her. all he did was slam her against the wall.now when my wife calls me an asshole it doesn’t bother me because she knows me better than anyone else.

    why am i so damn mello?

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