My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.

Holy crap, y’all.  I have my first real writing gig.  Writing an advice column. That just happened.

It’s for this company called PNN and I think it’s like CNN for chicks.  I’m afraid to ask what the P stands for.  All I know is that in spite of many, many emails letting them know what a horrible mistake they were making they were still all “Meh.  What’s the worst you could do?”

Me:  Hey!  I made a banner for the advice column:

PNN: Wow.  Let’s hold off on that one for a week or so.

Me:  I’m working on my first post.  You’re probably going to get sued.

PNN: We scoff at lawsuits.

Me:  I’d like to get paid in monkeys.

PNN:  We will give you several t-shirts with your face on them.

Me:  Can I have one with a big picture of me on it and it’ll just say “Why yes, actually.  I *am* wearing my own shirt.”?

PNN:  You are very weird.  Surprisingly, we still want to work with you.

This is probably going to be a disaster awesome.  Now someone please come over here and ask me for advice or else I will stab one of you in the ankle.

Comment of the day: I’m just gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs. Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen? Dear Ask the Blogess on PNN – Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex? etc.etc. Then you can just post your entries over again — I’m just saving you time. I’M HELPING YOU.  ~ emmysuh

95 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m going, I’m going. Just please put the knife down already.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Book Review: Mary

  2. Hmm. What do I need to know?

  3. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m checkin it out!

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..What is WoolfCamp?

  4. oh my I can’t wait to read this new stuff – I luff you!

    Jen’s last blog post..Putting Things In Perspective

  5. going now, back away from the weapons

  6. …OH GOD YES. I am seriously so excited for this shit.

    GO JENNY GO.

  7. 7
    Willendorf Venus

    PNN = P-Gina News Network

  8. I just commented. I feel like one of the girls.

    Hello, The Bloggess.

    scott’s last blog post..Burning Man

  9. Congrats! I need a lot of advice.

  10. …wait. Which one of us?

    harmzie’s last blog post..In the Beginning…

  11. I’m just gonna post questions that refer to your most outrageous blogs.

    Dear Ask the Bloggess on PNN – Does Jesus care what I do with my husband’s semen?

    Doear Ask the Blogess on PNN – What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?

    etc.etc.

    Then you can just post your entries over again — I’m just saving you time. I’M HELPING YOU.

  12. SOOOO… one week of being a true writer and you already have a gig… JEALOUS… and so proud… but mostly jealous.

    Ally B’s last blog post..Fit or Fail: World of Pain Edition

  13. Okay, I am on my way. I just have to think of a problem to seek help with. Maybe I’ll pretend to be one of my neighbors. I think they have problems, but my life is perfect.

    becky’s last blog post..Which Shoes? Help, Quickly!

  14. Also, I dig the way you made the t in WWTBD all jesus-cross-like. Nice touch.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..What is WoolfCamp?

  15. Dear Bloggess,
    My anti-anxiety meds are having the exact opposite side effect that they are supposed to and have exponentially increased my sex drive rather then killing it. Now I want to have sex with my husband all the time which is throwing off the time tested ritual of marriage and kids killing your sex life. So now I either have to lock my kids in the basement twice a day or go off my meds, which do you recommend.

  16. Before I do anything, I always say WWTBD. Thank goodness I now have an actual place to go to get an answer.

    Cara’s last blog post..Boob Tube

  17. You’ll be great.

    Although their regular readers better get over here pronto so that they get your brand of crazy. We already get it, no honeymoon period required.

    Heh. I said period. Suppose you’ll get questions about that?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Charlie

  18. Dear Bloggess,

    It depresses me when I go on facebook and it says “Diana has two friends”. Seems really pathetic ya know. Remember the I love Lucy episode when she joins the friends of the friendless. I totally identify with that. And the two friends aren’t really friends. They are people I knew in High School. I think I used to party with them. Actually I don’t really remember them.

    What do I do?

  19. That is sweeeeet! I need something good though to ask… brb.

    Marisa’s last blog post..Reading: It Sucked and Then I Cried

  20. Hmmm, Aunt, something I’ve been pondering a long while…

    Does making love feel any different to having sex?

    ~ Perplexed

    Young Werther’s last blog post..Cheap Plonk

  21. I went to your new advice column, but it didn’t say how to submit requests for advice. So I guess I need advice on how to get the advice.

    Carrie’s last blog post..My Pretend Life

  22. There’s a comment section at the bottom where you can leave your question but for some reason it doesn’t ask for your url. Weird. I’m asking them to fix that. Also it auto-checks the “do you want to keep up with this conversation?” box. UNCHECK THAT OR YOUR EMAIL WILL EXPLODE.

  23. I bet they’re thinking, “What could possibly go wrong?” I mean, really, have they read your blog at all?

    Steve’s last blog post..Testing 1, 2, 3…

  24. Oh yeah. What if I said I didn’t have any ankles? What then?

    But I do. So that’s where the monkey’s can hang on once you start giving them away and I win one. Oh yeah.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Food For Thought

  25. I made a little mistake on the new blog. I asked you the question “What?” when I meant to ask “When?” Please update. Thanks.

    And cool!

  26. Dear Bloggess,

    I was recently stabbed in the ankle. By a writer. What should I do? I guess I should mention this was an online writer and she stabbed me with a thinly veiled logo that asks me WWtBD, only I have no idea what the bloggess would do, since my first guess is stealth retribution stabbing but she hardly ever stabs people. She says.

    Naptimewriting’s last blog post..Never, never read the news

  27. Whoa. That was fast.

    Nice.

    Jamie’s last blog post..but i guess this is the beginning of many stories

  28. Don’t I need to be a girl? I’d go there & get all shy & excited at the same time, like when I accidentally on purpose went into the girls’ changing room at school. Maybe I should go on & ask “how do I become a girl so I can ‘Ask the Bloggess’? Please don’t stab my ankles – I ruptured my Achilles playing softball! Thanks

    Greg’s last blog post..Istanbul Travel Blog 1: Getting There

  29. You totally don’t need to be a girl. In fact, like half of the people who have left questions are men. Men with issues.

  30. Dear Bloggess:

    What can I do to get laid? Do you recommend “male enhancement”? And should it be “natural” or whatever the opposite it (“otherworldly”)?

    Sincerely,

    Put Off in Hoboken

    Spamboy’s last blog post..The First Folio

  31. What the hell? You write a dark, angsty post about how you’re giving up your safe job to follow your dreams and not even a week later you’re an advice columnist? I was looking forward to several good posts about having to decide between eating the kids and pawning your knife collection, or how a good mother juggles her pimping responsibilities with those of PTA president. Couldn’t you have at least pretended to be an out of work hippie like the rest of us?

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Finally, a post NOT about assholes!

  32. I’m wary of anything that begins with “personal”. Y’know. Like personal lubricant?

    Epiphany Alone’s last blog post..Preacher, Mountain Lion

  33. I had a really witty comment, but I got distracted trying to think of a really witty question, and now I don’t remember either one.

    Keely’s last blog post..Even though compliments make me itchy

  34. Well, I don’t know. I don’t need advice. I could spread the word though. Would there a t-shirt with your face on it in it for me if I did? Guy Kawasaki is giving me a tee just for mentioning Alltop for him (See? I sneak it in all over. And for a shirt. I work very cheap. Think about it.)

    annie’s last blog post..New Law to Let Obama Control the Internet

  35. I am reassured there is not some kind of estrogen exclusivity with this new venture ’cause I need to ask you about my sump pump. The ball float seems very moody.

    everysandwich’s last blog post..NSFW, especially if there’s no laughing at work.

  36. This is a match made in heaven.

    See how I did that there? Connected the writing thing with the Jesus thing?

    Nevermind.

    Dory’s last blog post..Bling!

  37. “Dear Bloggess:

    What can I do to get laid? Do you recommend “male enhancement”? And should it be “natural” or whatever the opposite it (”otherworldly”)?

    Sincerely,

    Put Off in Hoboken”

    – Dear Put Off in Hoboken,
    first –
    I’d recommend male enhancement only if you have already arrived at the door step of an actual sexual encounter and the girl suddenly realizes her goldfish have totally not been fed for 3 days and must leave immediately…

    second – work on your wooing skills if you have not.

  38. 38
    Gracie Lace

    Dear Bloggess,

    What do I do when someone tells me to go to their advice collum page and ask for advice, even though I don’t know what to ask for advice about, or she’d stab me in the ankel?

    Signed,
    Doesn’t want to get stabbed in the ankel.

  39. linky no worky for me

  40. Dear Bloggess,

    Sorry about the phone… been having hassles with the outsourcing of the JC Call Centre. Might get Dad to do a little smiting.

    Anyway, this time around the easiest way to contact me is to ‘follow’ me Twitter.

    cheers

    Jesus_de_Christ
    http://twitter.com/jesus_de_christ

    Jesus_de_Christ’s last blog post..jesus_de_christ: I love kickin’ back at this time of year with some water, wine, loaves & fish to watch this http://tinyurl.com/dzoem6 – Keeps me human 🙂

  41. I was going to ask a question about my abject fear of horny unicorns but if I have to wear a t-shirt with a woman’s face on it, I better pass. I don’t think my wife would understand any of this. I don’t.

  42. I think it is AWESOME that you want to be paid in monkeys…it would be even more awesome if you told them you wanted to be paid in blue scrotum monkeys. Oh yeah, look them up…awesome monkey.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..I need this and this and this, and definitely this..and

  43. I need some advice on how to get someone to make ME a t-shirt with MY face on it.

    Raz’s last blog post..A Fond Farewell

  44. That’s freakin’ awesome! Congrats on your first writing gig that gets paid in monkeys. Yeah.

    And I am pretty sure that Kelly over at MagnetoBoldToo tagged you, so get your butt over there and check it out.

    T.

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..Why Do I Keep Them? Because I LIKE Junky Cereal

  45. Dear Bloggess, I need help producing a pivot table. What size chisel do you recommend?

    I have no idea what a pivot table is.

  46. PNN likes to play Russian Roulette, huh?!

    You’re gonna be great.

  47. If I ask for advice, that means I need help, and I’ve spent too much time and money telling therapists that I don’t need help. This may bring down that house of cards. How about I applaud from the sidelines?

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY: Yellow and Red Make Green. Kinda.

  48. I will need to know if they really do pay you in monkeys. If so .. I totally need to step this shit up and start plagiarizing SOMEONE.

    Madness’s last blog post..Daughter: "Mom, when is easter?" — Me "LaLaLa I cant HEAR YOU!"

  49. What would the ‘P’ stand for in PNN that would make it female? Poonany is the only one I can think of. Well I guess pussy would work too. But Poonany is sassier right?

    Prosy’s last blog post..The Sweater Vest Conundrum

  50. Yay! I personally LOVE that banner. Am heading over to your “advice” column (HAHAHAHAHA!!) to see what words will come out of your brain…

    tracey’s last blog post..Killing her with kindness

  51. if you’re not like jesus, then nobody is.

    cat’s last blog post..got more than my fill of moobs

  52. Coming. Now. I swear.

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Ask and ye shall get more than thee bargained for

  53. “Creating your own reality is a sign of psychosis. Go find your meds.”

    I think I want that on a motivational poster.

    Good luck on the new job.

    –V’s last blog post..Little anniversaries

  54. You know, every day I read your blog I get advice that I didn’t even know I needed. Thank you.

    But my burning question: is Nancy going to offer helpful advice that you can relay to your readers?

    Dingo’s last blog post..Welcome to Crazytown

  55. I am clicking! Clicking! My feet can’t handle more injuries!

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Beautiful Like Me: A look in the mirror

  56. This is just awesome! Another blog with a picture of you in curlers…where do I get my refund?

  57. An advice column? My life is now complete. I can die happy. After I ask some advice.

  58. Oh goodness, I love a good laugh on a Monday morning!

    Mrs Soup’s last blog post..The Joys of Spam

  59. You KNOW that I am the one who suggested you should have an advice column.
    Yes?
    Anyway, my lawyers will be talking to your lawyers just as soon as they get out on work release in a couple of months, provided there aren’t any more incidents of indecent exposure like that last time . . ..

    You should be sweating, baby. You’re in the Big Leagues now. It’s put up or STFU.

  60. Wow. TheBloggess, with her own advice column. I *am* impressed. Of course, it probly won’t be too long before PNN is PWN’d by the PI lawyer for “Inflicting mental Anguish upon the Entire Internet”, but it ought to be a fun ride, nonetheless.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..Macro Monday: Purple Peepseleater

  61. Congrats, sister girlfriend.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Where Martha Stewart Becomes The Expert On Grinding.

  62. I would totally ask you for advice. And Jesus is really bad at answers. He’s all “wait, my child,” when I want a flat out “Yes, you can have whatever you want.” So when I ask for advice, you already have the answer that I want to hear. No brainer.

    cluckandtweet’s last blog post..It’s the Big One!

  63. I hope the P in PNN does not stand for Phil or you may be screwed.

  64. That reminded me of a bumper sticker I once saw, WWSD, What Would Scooby-Doo? I don’t think it is as hard to get Scooby on the phone.

  65. You just quit your job and already you have a new writing gig? The lord must not have this karma thing figured out yet. I mean, you virtually stab someone every day. This morning I gave a man outside the donut shop a dollar and later I was blown into a palm tree while walking to work.

  66. Yay! and I kind of totally love your tshirt that you want.

    zandor’s last blog post..Fear of Flying.

  67. i think you should be paid in monkeys who are wearing your shirt.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..When Mom’s Away (or sleeping) the Babies Will Play.

  68. I would totally wear a WWtBD bracelet.

    Totally.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Ice Ice Baby

  69. We are all monkeys.

    Leonard The Monkey’s last blog post..No JAVA For You!

  70. One time I walked around the block in pointe shoes, on point, and a car ran in the ditch. The guy jumped out and screamed, “Holy crap! Are those really long nubs? Where are your feet?” I just kept going without acknowledging him because he seemed like he was going to attack. Plus I just couldn’t believe that he called my legs “really long nubs”. Should I conduct this experiment again, or is it too dangerous?

  71. LOL enjoy it!

    Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com’s last blog post..The honeymooners.

  72. I think that the “P” most likely stands for Pirate.

    Natalie’s last blog post..All This Can Be Yours If…..

  73. In the ankle? Hmm… I think I can handle that.

    What’s that? Holy shit, is that a MACHETE?? Okay, I’m going!!!

    LiLu’s last blog post..In Which Maxie and I Get Engaged

  74. Whoo hooo…one more thing to keep your attention away from writing the book. I’m sooooo gonna win!!!! MWAHAAAHAAAAA (that’s my evil laugh and it’s really scary so you should be running in fear…but not toward your book because that would thwart my evil plan)

  75. so i totally looked at your advice column, obv i always click on links even though sometimes they take me to pictures of people with giant balls but that may or may not have just been a dream….but i am positive the links take me to tampon flash drives sometimes and i’m shocked even though it was like HERES A TAMPON FLASHDRIVE LINK-wait what was i saying?

    oh yes.
    i looked at the column.
    it was nice.

    how will you reply?
    iwll you reply openly?
    can i read everyone elses personal and embarrassing problems ?!

    squee! i hope so!

  76. hmm…idk wat 2 ask, cause my life is all effed up absolutely PERFECT, esp since I now actually have ankles for you to attack, as opposed to CANKLES which looked bad, but wouldn’t have felt any pain…

    WTG, Jenny. I’m really proud of you. You are the most FUN part of my day. The more you write, the more fun I have, so keep it coming!! 🙂

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  77. Fun site. Just found it. Looking forward to the advice column.

  78. This is awesome! I envy you! I’ll be sure to go ask for some advice, I need all the free advice I can get!

    Queen Lindsay’s last blog post..How To Impress His Parents

  79. go ahead, stab away. i’m a safe distance away. probably. then, while someone else is bleeding profusely from the ankle, we can all email you for advice in dealing with the situation and the emotional trauma. it’ll be fun for most of us!

    Ericka’s last blog post..Playin’ in the Mud…

  80. I once bought my sister a WWJD thong I found. I figured it was like a slutty little chastity belt.

    Virginia’s last blog post..Fish or cut Jailbait

  81. Wow, you are my new hero stalking victim favorite advice columnist!

    ladibug’s last blog post..Best Boredom Buster

  82. Congratulations! I think I’d consider your advice, frankly. Anyone who doesn’t bore me to death gets my vote. Yours is only the third blog I ever found to fit that criteria. Good luck with the gig!

    spazz.me’s last blog post..Queen

  83. so, I doubt Jesus even knows what a phone is so he’s probably not even getting your calls…but that’s okay, I don’t think Jesus knows very much about cyclopses anyways. I’d rather have you

    Hannah’s last blog post..fun times in Nor*Cal

  84. YAY!!! A real gig in like 2 seconds? Call Guinness World Records!!!!!!!

    Congrats 😀

    Sarah’s last blog post..Reality.

  85. my friend sent me a link to you because you had Jesus and semen in the same sentence. Awesome.

    good luck on the new profession.

    Joe Bible’s last blog post..Careful When You Check Your Email

  86. You are hilarious. Almost as hilarious as I am. But nevertheless, you have a high level of lariousness of which I appreciate.

  87. Additionally,

    WWtBD is pretty much as catchy as WWJD. I concur he’s a busy man–just like good manicurists…always booked.

  88. Congratulations, you deserve it.

    Suzy’s last blog post..What Mommy Bloggers Taught Me

  89. Cool – a real gig, must have been the interview. Loved it! .. hope you get the T-shirts!

    Julie M’s last blog post..Mini-Blog Series:The Five People You Meet in Cyberspace

  90. Where the heck is our advise, miss advise columnist (wow that sort of looked like advise communist for a second, that is a whole different ball game)? You do know how this whole advise column thing works, right? You are supposed to answer the questions on your column. Not in private side bars that no one can appreciate. So why do you care what our URLs are? That’s just asking for blog self-promotion from some of these attention whores (ok I mean that in the nicest way you attention whores)!

  91. This is so sweet! Because now I can cut & paste “Ask The Bloggess” into my blog instead of just “The Bloggess” and then of course edit out the the Bloggess part, and voila! Content for AskDrDing. Or I could just cut & copy the”Ask” part. YES.

    😀

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Queen Bodacious’ House Of Sass

  92. and all along I was content with fantasizing about a WWJJD? (What would Judge Judy Do?) advice column.

    I think your advice column would be kind of like the Seinfeld episode where George does the exact opposite of what his instincts tell him to do. Only it would be your advice would be the exact opposite of what any rational advice columnist would provide. What the recipients should do with it … well, hmmm.

    so about my fucked up love life where all the men I desire desire someone else and all the men who desire me make me want to run away puking? whatcha got for me?

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..saturday morning…

  93. Great column so far 🙂

    Rachel Cotterill’s last blog post..Your Turn

  94. dear Bloggess, how come when i was 10 and mom called dad an asshole i was all like,i hope he don’t get the gun and kill her. all he did was slam her against the wall.now when my wife calls me an asshole it doesn’t bother me because she knows me better than anyone else.

    why am i so damn mello?

  95. […] to read.  Sure, I like following Neil Gaiman on Twitter, but I only randomly read his blog.   The Bloggess ranks not only in my Twitter “Famous Peeps” column in TweetDeck, but I hit her blog for […]

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