Category Archives: You people scare me and I sort of love it.

I fixed it for you.

Yesterday I got an email from a very sweet girl who wanted to tell me how happy she was to have found “this tribe of bizarre stranglings” because she finally figured out she wasn’t alone and there were others out there like her.  And it was very lovely, although I did think it was odd that she was witnessing so many stranglings here, but then I realized that she meant “strangelings” (like “changelings” but stranger, and that spellcheck had probably changed it for her because spellcheck is an asshole who doesn’t understand the fluidity of language.)  She also included this quote from the Breakfast Club because she thought it fit our odd community so well:

we're all pretty bizarre

And I agree.

And I decided to write this post in case you needed to be reminded of how important you are to me, and to all the other strangelings and misfits out there who find themselves at this blog, and realize they aren’t alone, and get the support they need to be the dazzlingly odd person they are without apology.  You have no idea how important you are.

And I love the quote, but I did feel it needed a small tweak to reflect the us that we’ve become:

fixed

Never change, sweet strangelings.

Search terms that make me question what’s going on in your life.

Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog.  Then I shake my head at humanity.  Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you.  Because I’m a giver.  

What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:

  • “How to know I’m not in a coma”
  • “accidental lesbian”
  • “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
  • “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”  (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
  • “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
  • “I want to eat you down into the belly.”  (Wow.  English is not your first language, is it?  Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
  • “Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
  • “Naked woman hula hooping”
  • “I don’t know what i just did.  I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”  
  • “Pictures of me naked”  (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
  • “Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
  • “tentacle pregnancy egg”
  • “Hire people to beat someone up”
  • “hemorrhaging & puddle of blood”  (Why are you on the internet?  GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
  • “Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
  • “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?”  (Oh, honey.  Bless your stupid heart.)
  • “I will never go back to jail.”
  • “Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.”  (Aw, shucks.)
  • “dig dog up to see how he died”  (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
  • “crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
  • “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”
  • “Those chimpanzees will be sued”
  • “Is it ok to let my dog eat me?”  (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
  • “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
  • “that one had hair on it”
  • “Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
  • “78 year old lady does her own home perms”
  • “How to remove tracker bug from belly button?”  (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
  • “mushroom looks like snowman”
  • “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
  • “Something red is poking from my belly button.”  (Is it a tracker bug?)
  • “What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?”  (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
  • “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
  • “WHERE M I NOW?”  (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
  • “do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
  • “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
  • “can you paint cat’s toenails?”
  • “Can I use butter on my dog?”  
  • “Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
  • “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
  • “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
  • “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
  • “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
  • “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”  
  • “Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
  • “Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?”  (Have you even read these other searches?  YOU’RE FINE.)

Pimp out your shit. Not literally though. Unless you’re selling feces. Then you might have a problem.

Just a quick thank you.  The cost to keep this blog up are stupid expensive but I’m incredibly lucky that so many people support the blog by buying space in the sidebars.  Lots of them are writers and bloggers themselves and you should totally do yourself a favor and check them out because they’re lovely, and also because they are better than chocolate tacos.  Chocotacos. Great.  Now I want a chocotaco.

Also, the people who buy ads here keep me from having to do irritating things like break up posts into several pages, or having pop-up ads, or slide-shows to artificially manipulate page views.  We owe them all a drink.  Or five.

A regular blog post is coming but this morning I just want to say thanks to anyone who has ever supported this blog, either by advertising, by supporting my advertisers, by buying a book or something from my store, or who simply left fabulous comments which vigorously disprove the “DON’T READ THE COMMENTS” law of the internet.  I love you guys.

Also, I realize that lots of you know of or have fascinating shit that you’d probably like to pimp out and so today I’m opening up comments to let you pimp out whatever thing you think needs more attention.  Charities, kick-starters, books you love, etsy shops, your favorite blog post, videos that make you laugh, something you made that you’re really proud of, whatever.   (Try to limit it to less than 3 sentences though because most of us have ADD here.)

And seriously, thank you.  You keep my world going around.  Someone bring me a chocotaco.

Strangest search terms of the week

Once again, the strangest things people were searching for last week that brought them to thebloggess.com:

“ivaginated penis” (I don’t…what?)

“does pegasus really exist?”  (Yes!  But they’re made of plastic zebras and leftover pieces of cows and geese.  So, I guess, no.  Never mind.)

“I lost an hour.”  (It’s probably daylight savings time.  Or alien abduction.  Or daylight savings time invented to cover up a mass alien abduction.)

“How high is Tony Danza?”  (Um…five foot nine.  Assuming that’s what you’re asking.)

“Why does my cat sniff my eyes?”  (You’re not alone.)

“disney epcot donkey for sale”  (Eeyore?)

“If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?”  (Probably stop saying “wazzupp.”)

“Sending dick pic to someone and then pretending it was an accident.”  (Mr. Weiner, you need help.  No one is falling for this shit.)

“Real sightings of God”  (Wow.  And you found yourself directed here.  I am so, so sorry.)

“Dreaming about making out with yourself”  (That’s not normal.  Unless you’re David Tennant.  Then it’s weird, but understandable.)

“Can using meth cause ear infection”  (I think you’re doing meth wrong.)

“how to make a homemade nipple stretcher”  (Hang on.  Like, a stretcher for nipples that need to go to the hospital, or a tool to stretch out your nipples?  Either way, I ‘m confused.  Are enormous nipples good?  Honestly, I don’t even know what kind of nipples are in this year.  Now I’m feeling all self-conscious about my nipples.  Great.  Then again, my mom always said, “Fads come and go.  Just wait long enough and it’ll come into fashion again.”  I’m assuming that goes for nipples as well.)

“How to say hello to your muslim neighbor”  (Pretty sure you just answered your own question.)

“When can I punt my dick in?”  (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)

“Accidental lesbian caught”  (I didn’t even know we were looking for her.)

“Albino feces after meth use”  (Speechless.)

“carnival people who swap blood”  (You people are just fucking with me now.)

“vagina punch”  (Like, punching a vagina…or a drink made from vagina?  Either way, I think I’m out.)

“Is planting a st joseph statue witchcraft?” (More like Vague-Catholicism.  But, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work.  Burying Saints, that is.  I have no idea if Catholicism works.)

“fucking bitch” (It’s a bit disconcerting that this exact term brought you here.  THANKS, GOOGLE.)

“which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”  (I’ve always referred to the bottom of the banana as the “bananus.”  Is that the same thing?)

“How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”  (First you get a squirrel…)

“cat yells at me for not answering phone”  (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)