You know what’s awesome?

in Random Crap

You know what’s awesome?  When you move into a new (to you) house and you smell something musty and so you call someone to look at what you really hope isn’t black mold in the bathroom and they’re all “Shit, lady.  You’re fucked” and then a scientist comes out to take lab samples and then the mold guys come back into your bedroom and they’re all “You haven’t been sleeping near this room have you?” and they seal the whole section of that house off and put a zipper in it so that the mold doesn’t escape and then they get dressed up in the exact same outfits that the FBI people wore when they accidentally almost killed E.T. and they rip out sheetrock and cabinets and you want to take pictures but they won’t let you in unless you’re dressed in protective gear and then they’re all “No ma’am, feetie pajamas are not going to cut it” and then the scientist keeps coming back to take more air samples and you try to sneak into the bathroom to get your toothpaste but you trip over the opening because it’s almost impossible to walk into a room that has a zipper for a door and you bump your head and it hurts so much you forget that you aren’t supposed to breathe and so you take a breath of what will probably kill you and then you start to feel sick but then you remind yourself that you’ve been showering in that room for the last week so you probably already have tuberculosis anyway and you’re not going to have enough money for hospitalization because you’re already having to spend money on air samples and lab techs and supporting the people who probably killed E.T. and then you go lay down and cry for a minute and the mold guys are all “You know, you really shouldn’t use this room” and you’re all “Well, I’d go hide in your office but you can’t because I CAN’T AFFORD WALLS”?

Yeah.  That’s awesome.

PS.  By “awesome” I mean “I’d like to go hide under the house but I suspect that’s where all the scorpions live”.

PPS.  I need money.  You need ads.  Or maybe you don’t.  But probably you do.  $75 gets you 30 days of text ads and a detailed description of what tuberculosis feels like.  Hint:  It feels like a concussion.

PPPS.  Victor says I don’t have tuberculosis or a concussion.  Victor is very unsupportive.

PPPPS.  The scientist guy just called and said that it’s definitely not black mold.  Or he said that it definitely is black mold.  It’s hard to keep the details straight with this concussion.

PPPPPS.  Yes, of course I have pictures:

It's like living in a camping tent if the tent was filled with murderous spores that could kill you.
This is how the mold guys look when you sneak up on them.  Also, they might hit you with a board.  But not on purpose.  Just reflexes probably.
"I killed your alien and stuffed him in this bag. I'll leave you alone with him so you can cry and bring him back to life. Also I just ruined E.T. for you. Spoiler alert."

PPPPPPPS.  Please send a doctor.

Comment of the day: Wow. Your zipper door is so magical. It’s glowing, like how I imagine the Virgin Mary’s Cesarean scar looks like in heaven.  I can only assume she had a Cesarean, because she was a virgin, and I heard if you used a tampon it ruined your virginity, so passing Jesus through your birth canal probably does, too.  So, you’re probably going to be OK, because it’s like when someone gets a grilled cheese at the diner and Mary’s face appears and then they win $500 at bingo night. Only it’s Mary’s heavenly abdomen and you winning no mold. ~ Sarah p

202 thoughts on “You know what’s awesome?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh wow. And I thought it sucked when a squirrel decided to die in our hot water heater. You win. However, I am JAZZED about my first blogher and, of course, the people’s party. Can’t wait to lock you in a bathroom with bottles of wine, I mean, errr meet you.
    Also? You should hold onto that alien and sell it to the gov’t. That would get some extra cash.

  3. Uhm…. WHAT?? Dude, you need to punch that mould right in the face cause it is def squatting in your house. or charge it rent. I’m not sure spores have money though. Or jobs.

    Also, you should steal one of those crazy scientist suits for some “special time” with Victor.

    Doesn’t get more kinky than being scared you will die of tuberculosis.

    If you wont use it, can you send one to me?

  4. So, I guess this means you’re taking Hailey to BlogHer with you and leaving Victor at home to die a slow and horrible death?

    Also, PLEASE tell me your new house came with a warranty…

    And as an added bonus, you should know that in order to make the whole ordeal seem less threatening, they call those outfits “bunny suits.”

  5. I´m so sorry for you. Been there once “Has your baby been sleeping in here!?!” AArrgggghh!!!! (Small picture of me running away)

  6. I’ve been living with black mold in my bathroom for 10 years. Once a week, I beat it back into the walls with Zep! and bleach. You should try that. Its pretty cheap. And you could get hit by a car tomorrow. So why sweat it? Black mold, hit by a car… either way, you’re dead.

  7. I wish I had money to buy an ad. Then if you did die I would think that at least I had tried to help.

  9. I think calling it black mold is really un-PC. All mold should be treated equally. Just saying…

    xo Susie

    PS I hope you don’t have a concussion or tuberculosis. If you have tuburculosis do you have to live in a plastic tent? Or is that pneumonia? I’ve got to go watch some reruns of House. I’ll get back to you!

  11. I had that same awesomeness happen to me two years ago, we moved into a new-to-us house and 3 months later I wondered why blackness was rising from the baseboards. Only mine was even more awesome because it WAS black mold. I didn’t get a concussion though. I am not very good at catching tuberculosis apparently.

  15. I’m pretty sure the only problem with your previous house is that you wrapped the dishwasher in a comforter. Now you have scorpions, foxen and black mold – exactly WHY did you move house again?

  17. You know, if they can’t eradicate the mold, you can claim each spore as a dependent on your income taxes. If you have 30 billion dependents, the government has to send you a really big check. It’s better than winning the lottery. Just tell Victor I said that’s how it works.

  18. That is pretty much just this side of finding zombies in your crawlspace. Not that such a thing has ever happened to me. Just sayin’. I apologize ahead of time for not needing an add because if I did I would totally buy two.

  19. Turn on your heart light. Let it shine whereever you go. Let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see..

    Neil Diamond makes everything better. I bet if you played this song over and over again (like it was played on the radio in 1982) to the black mold, the mold may actually voluntarily vacate your house.

  21. Seriously. What. the. fuck. is Victor’s problem?! Is he mad that you get all the attention? That’s my guess.
    Also, I’d burn the mother down (the house not the hubby…ok well actually if it were ME, I would burn my husband but he was a meth addicted he-whore so he totally deserves to burn)

  22. Holy crap, I wouldve died if I walked in your house. I’m deathly allergic to mold.

  25. Awesome indeed – you really couldn’t make this shit up doll! Like the time when i still lived at my folks and I thought there was mice in the loft and no-one believed me and then my Dad agreed to stick his head up there to check and he almost fell down the ladder, all white in the face and mumbling about not going up there again and then the Rentokill dudes came all sirens wailing and removed what they said was the “largest wasps nest they had ever seen” They took pictures which sadlay I don’t have copies of. My Pops still has nightmares but doesn;t talk about what he saw up there….

    Hope it’s not ebola or that plant spore thing from the movie ‘The Happening’ where everyone ends up killing themselves (I’m probably not helping so I’ll stop now.)

  26. fucking seriously? move back to the place with the comforter on the dishwasher, it’s still on the market. plus my friend traci lives in the same neighborhood and she said it’s lonely without you. How come the bastards that did the house inspection before purchase are NOT paying for this?

  30. at least its not the x-files black goo.
    cus then you’d be like dead and their minion
    no fun.
    perhaps the black spores have infected him and he is unable to see that you have a concussion.

  31. Um, that sucks. The only way I can think to make money off the mold spores is wildly inappropriate. So I’ll just send the E.T. bike. Which may or may not be a regular bike. And now you can sell your car. You can put Hailey in the basket. And Victor can learn to run REALLY FAST along side y’all.

  32. I love you people.

    It isn’t black mold, you can get feetie pajamas at Wal-mart in Houston, I probably don’t have a concussion and I am *totally* serious about the ads. Email me if you want in. (jenny@thebloggess.com)

  33. I just typed a lengthy comment and submitted it but it vanished. I blame the black mould.
    The short version is that I hope it’s not ebola or that plant spore thing in the movie ‘The Happening’ where everyone starts killing themselves (probably not helpful so I’ll stop now)

    Incidentally my Pops once had Rentokill come and check his loft when I told him I thought I could hear mice up there on a night. He stuck his head through the loft door and fell back down, all white and shaking and still refuse to talk about it… Rentokill took away what they said was “the largest wasps nest they had ever seen”. My pops still has nigthmares about it.

  35. Now my earlier comment is back again???

    It’s the mould man… run… run for your life as fast as the feetie PJ’s will take you!

  37. Aint that some crap? You are a very unlucky person I think we share that in common. Like once I lost my keys for a couple of weeks and my boyfriend was all “did you check the freezer?” and I was all “Why would they be in the freezer?” and he was all “didn’t you find your lip balm in there the other day?” and I was all “….maybe”
    Good luck with your mold and sorry they killed E.T.

  38. You know what’s awesome? You are. Duh! And dude seriously what the ef happened to awesome panties? I am telling you that’ll make you rich. Anyhow, I’m totally down for a $75 ad. But make me famous and say something like: go here for porn and naked pictures. Where do I sign up?

  39. Umm, first scorpions, and now mold? What kind of a Seven Plagues of Egypt life are you living down there?

    Texas. It’s not for sissies…

  41. Or maybe you should just go ahead and die. I mean you could be a legend! And then we can turn your house into a museum. Of course we would have to freeze your mold, and your body. And for decoration, we could put your frozen body during museum openings in the tub for a realistic depiction of what really happened. Victor could even make PSA commercials. Then you would be swimming in dough. You (well Victor cause you would be dead) would have to hire tour guides. I would do it. Where do I apply?

  42. Did you get this house inspected before you moved in? I hope this is the last of the problems because right now it doesn’t seem like the best place for a person who is a hypochondriac or who has a concussion.

  44. When I finished reading the first paragraph I realized I had read the whole thing in one breath. Mold sucks and it’s expensive to get rid of! Good luck. I’m sure we’ll be hearing about the locusts or something else soon.

  45. I’m thinking that you and I have totally different definitions of ‘awesome’. still, though, the big plastic door makes sort of a fort, and that’s cool, verging on awesome. except it apparently causes concussions which is not so cool, so now we’re back to square one. just stay away from the scorpions, cause they are in no way whatsoever ‘awesome’.

  47. Oh man that is awful. Isn’t that one of those things they should have taken care of before they sell you a house? Is there someone you can sue for this? I’d sue if I had mold that could potentially turn me into a zombie. Or E.T.

    this is why you shouldn’t let E.T. in the house. It’s like when the conquistadors came to america and let loose all of their smallpox. E.T. brought all of his alien germs.

    So congrats, you now have alien small pox, I guess? I’d definitely sue.

  49. They didn’t catch it in the inspection because it was behind a cabinet but the previous owners are awesome and are going to help pay to have it all fixed. It could be worse.

  51. We had roof damage from a tornado and our son’s room is covered in mold. (No I don’t make him sleep in there when he’s bad.) We have been trying to get the roof fixed and the room gutted and redone, but working w/ insurance claims & mortgage companies is like ordering soup from the Soup Nazi and ordering wrong over and oever again only to keep getting the famous “No soup for you!” (Or, “No insurance money for you!” until you give us a blood sample, pee in a cup, do our special handshake, and your children’s souls) I just want to rip every strand of my ass length hair out a piece at a time. I guess I could sell it and buy an ad from you.. We shall see..

  53. The pictures of Texas are pretty and all, but for some reason I’m just not feeling the need to move there. Not even for the scorpion jokes.
    Hope it gets better, tho! And you get no-mold walls.

  55. Shit. I mean SHIT. I can’t think of a single cocktail that uses mold. Boo. Hiss. You need some Klaxons on your side of the war against mold.

  57. I might have skimmed this story a little, or maybe a lot, but E.T. didn’t get killed in your house, right?

  58. Oh man, that sucks badly. Can you hit up the sellers for any of the remediation costs?

    And, I’m kind of interested in ads, but for a very worthy non-profit fundraising cause…. do you have non-profit rates?

  60. So sorry about your mold. I mean, your house’s mold. It would be worse if it was YOUR mold, I suppose. So at least you don’t have black mold, like, growing on your body.

    I truly believe home ownership is like a colicky baby – you’re all excited because you’re getting a baby but then the baby just screams and makes you want to hide under the house with the scorpions. Except only some people are unfortunate enough to get a colicky baby and almost all people get crap house problems. Ours had asbestos and mold.

  61. That was the most amazingly awesome run on sentence ever! also the guy next to me at work just said “or if he had a dead chicken strapped to him…” I’m at a loss. no clue what they were talking about .

  62. Your house actually looks a little like a porn set with the big phallic zipper and the kinky suits. And did you see the size of the tube that guy was wielding? Damn. Bow chicka bow wow.

  63. I’d hug you in a totally supportive and non-sexual way, but I’ve been told I’m completely incapable of relating to women that way. You’re pretty sexy, so the person who told me that may be right this one time.

    I’ll offer to support you the way men support each other. We’ll sit next to each other and drink (beer, whiskey, coffee; depending on the time of day and what step you’re on in whatever program you’re in,) and we won’t say a word about mold. Oh, and I promise not to have sex with your ex-girlfriend. Trust me, that’s as close as guys come to saying “I love you” to each other.

  64. Ho. Ly. Fuck.

    As a fellow medicated, shrink-needing mess, my heart goes out to you … because, maybe I’m just projecting here, but … I would be freaking the fuck out if I bought a house and then discovered a deadly substance in it … and seeing as how I *did* just by a house, and will be moving into it at the end of next month, I will spend the next six weeks worrying that I’ll discover something awful when we move in … so thanks for that.

    Also: Tell those FBI fuckers to just leave Elliot and his alien friend alone. E.T.-killing bastards.

  65. That sounds like the opposite of awesome to me. Although, I might like to try out a zipper door for a day or two. One advantage of living so far north is that everything (including mold) dies in the winter. On the up side I really love your counter tops!

  66. Briar said, “So at least you don’t have black mold, like, growing on your body.”

    Have you checked between your toes? Just to be safe?

  67. crap. that is what killed Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. if you have anorexia and a coke problem, you are next.

  68. Instead of BlogHer we should just all get together at Jennie’s house and stomp scorpions. Throw in a bottle of gin and you’ve got yourself a real party.

  69. If anyone asks you were Elliot is, harness the power of your pigtails and cowgirl outfit and do your best to innocently say, “He definitely didn’t go into the forest. I mean, why would he DO such a thing?!”

  70. I have nothing clever to say about this, but man, that sucks if it is mold. I hope it isn’t.

    You know what is awesome, though? When you go in and have a bra fitting and you think you’re a 36A or B and it turns out you’re actually a 32C or D. That happened to me today. Cheered me up. Did it work for you?

  71. Seriously, you need to be doing stand up. If you’re too shy, I’ll do it for you. You just write my shit. It’ll be like that Steve Martin movie or Cyrano or something. Only with a fat middle-aged woman playing the part of the cute guy. You can be Steve.

  72. I am currently living in my mother-in-law’s house (she doesn’t live here, thank Jeebus) and there is definitely mold on the walls in our master bathroom, and one day I told her she had mold, and she was like, “really?” and I was like, “yah, what the hell else spreads across walls and ceilings and inside the sheetrock and looks fuzzy and is black and spawns on its own?”. She didn’t answer and I’m not sure why, but yah, pretty sure it’s mold.

    I’m sorry you have E.T. killers in your house. You should punch them in the ear. Although, E.T. totally freaks me out so maybe I’m glad they killed him. Or something. I never saw the movie.

  73. You know how you always feel better about your life when you see someone who looks worse in a bathing suit than you do, or someone who’s terrible terrible haircut makes your terrible haircut seem like fashion sense, or who’s house is messier than yours.
    I read your blog because your life disasters are always just a bit worse than mine, and no one in my real life meets that criteria. I’m usually the one making other people feel good about their life.
    Thanks for being that person.

  74. I had tuberculosis in 2004, true story. Only I didn’t get it from a scorpion, I caught it in an all-male medium security prison in the far-North Canadian Arctic. Where I lived.

    With our combined luck, we could easily die several dozen times each.

  75. Wait, I’m confused. Based on the title I thought this post was going to be about me. I’m pretty sure it isn’t, unless you’ve given me a rapper nickname or something. Should I go ahead and get the “Black Mold” tattoo or am I missing some key element of this story.

  76. I think my new(ish) apartment has black mold between the toilet and tub. The handyman’s been here twice already to work on the leaking toilet but he didn’t say a goddamn thing about the black stains that look like they’re under the paint. I think he wants me dead.

  77. Mrs F refused to watch E.T. with me and the grandkids because it’s got “scary alien monsters” in it. True story.

    I don’t know why I thought you were making it up until you mentioned the concussion.

    How long do you have to hold your breath?

  78. Any chance that this is a failure-to-disclose situation? I don’t know the laws are where you are at, but if someone knows something and fails to tell the buyer here, then it’s the seller’s issue.

  79. That sucks… I know how you feel… my house is infested with termites and no money to get rid of them. i think if we tented it, it would fall down. lol

  80. You should take advantage of this opportunity and make your own indie film for $100 and then become super duper famous. It’ll work. Trust me.

  81. You should see if that black mold makes good ink for tattooes. You could bottle and sell it if it does.

  82. Why are there so many scorpions? You’re making me happy I live in a city with little nature. Sure, we have mice and rats, but I have a cat that keeps them away.

    It could be worse – scorpion-zombies. They eat your brains while you sleep.

  84. I’m pretty sure this is how all the good zombie stories start out. “You see, one day I noticed some strange mold in my bathroom…”

    So… more or less, you’re fucked.

    But for what it’s worth, E.T. scared the shit out of me and I haven’t seen it since I was a kid and so I don’t remember it. And then someone asked me the other day, “how does ET end again?” Now I can say without have to watch that horror movie again. Took me 10 years to even eat a damn M&M again. Fucking pudgy midget aliens.

  87. Those dudes are scarier than clowns…I may even admit they are scarier than clowns, having sex, while petting scorpions. No good, that is just no good. Head to the fall-out shelter immediately, or the bar, the bar will work too.

  88. Don’t get under your house. You’re right about the scorpions. You don’t want to get bitten by one and not make BlogHer. It probably wouldn’t kill you but they can really fuck you up. BTW- We had black mold in our house for 10 years and never really knew about til right before we moved. (Long story.) I don’t think it hurt me.

    I mean I used to be a rocket surgeon I think….

  89. James Joyce would have been proud of that sentence.

    Seventy-five bones for a 30-day ad is awesome. Can I advertise my blog?

  90. For the last time, folks, E.T. didn’t die at the end of the movie; Drew Barrymore’s childhood died.

    Jenny, you’re too amazingly funny. Wish I could go to Blogher 2010, but my son’s treating me to a trip to San Francisco that weekend.

  92. a great woman once said ‘ugly people shouldn’t be on tv’. well, okay, so she’s not great–she’s someone who may or may not have been drunk for my entire freshman year of college, but she was onto something. i know E.T. the movie is like, a classic or something, but he was one ugly mother…

  93. I found you via Kimber’s blog on blogger. I am really surprised that this wasn’t discovered when you had the house inspected before you bought it. It sounds like the problem is really bad and obvious if you found it right after moving in. Mold is something that pretty much everyone is allergic to, so I really hope that they get it taken care of quickly. From the pictures it really looks like a pain in the behind. That is really rotten!

  94. Best! Run-on sentence! Ever!

    Oh and sorry about the mold. That sucks. Between that, the scorpions, and all the other excitement of your new-to-you house, are you missing your old house yet?

  95. Please say they gave you one of those suits. I mean, if you had to endure getting hit with the board, it’s the least they can do.

  96. In Florida we call mold a standard of living, as in this house is from the 1920’s? Hip, maaaaaan.
    In Florida you are never without the mold. Hell, I grew up with mold, mildew, asbestos ceiling tiles, exterior walls that became interior walls complete with an underlayer of lead paint, all that. And I’m almost all the way fine, as are my kids.
    No worries, this mold scare is just a popular passing scare, like dust mites, “allergens”, or the cold war.
    Don’t let the man turn you into a pussy, with a commie or a spore under every bed.
    Oh yeah, good luck with those walls. I’d build you one if you lived close by 🙂
    Less Nessman. Classic.

  97. I am applauding your sanguine nature from Canada. I wouldn’t have had the presence of mind to blog this as I would have been too busy contacting lawyers and packing up for the nearest Holiday Inn Express. Although, we have nothing that nice in our little town – just a Super 8 I won’t stay in b/c my sister in law and her kids stayed there after we … um … suggested they might be happier not staying with us, so they took their – unknown to us at the time – lice ridden selves there and left a load of critters. Any place my sil stays is too iffy a place for me. Fortunately we have a holiday trailer. Do you have one? Get your own. Don’t let them give you a trailer! Too many of those Hurricane Katerine double-wides are still in commission.

    Breath. Shallowly and use a respirator.

  98. Dude, you forgot to tell us: did the feds in the funny suits catch E.T.? And what were you doing hiding E.T. in your house, anyway? Harboring illegal aliens is a serious offense, you know.

    ~EdT.

  99. Where did you get your footie pajamas?

    Also, how much would it cost me to get you to write post telling everyone that we’re best friends? I can send you a list of all of the reasons you’d be friends with me so you could answer people’s questions intelligently without having to do research on your own.

  100. I totally want ads but I’m afraid I don’t even have .75 of a dollar right now. (I just maxed out my credit card on feetie PJs (and shipping to the UK) — you think *you’re* concussed…

  101. Lord Of Freakin’ God
    what a nightmare
    maybe you are sharing symptoms with the mold
    maybe the mold has a headache, too
    may the force be….wait wrong movie

    Best of Luck ~ Rene

  102. I’m trying to figure out why black mold is a problem? We were charged extra for it at our house. That and for the freakin’ infestation of frogs in our backyard pond that my husband collects into black Hefty garbage bags and dumps into the bayou, where he has been mistaken for a serial killer, for real. On the other hand, this house is better than our hill country house which is really just a trailer (but we don’t admit that in public because that would sound kinda trailer PARKY) with a bazillion frogs — but the good kind of country pond frogs instead of the nasty city bayou frogs — and more-likely-than-not-black mold, and is after all a trailer instead of an actual house. Named the Quacker. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.
    Anywayyyyy, mold, scorpions, foxen: sounds like you’ve got it all going on out there. Go Jenny.

  103. I would sue. Do you know good lawyers in Texas? I do. I’m pretty sure one of them is named “Big Jim” or something similar. Mold litigation can be quite profitable (for the lawyers, which is why I love it).

  104. I came back. I asked around, and a house full of mold is actually NOT awesome. I’m sorry you were misinformed.

  105. That sucks! Glad the previous owners are helping to pay, will they take the scorpions too?
    I would offer to let you guys sleep at my house but I just found out we have fleas, which is like pubic lice for your carpet. So now I have to “disclose” this to anyone who might want to visit.
    Also, I live in Brooklyn but hey it wouldn’t be such a bad commute.

  106. Ok, seriously you need to get a second opinion.

    Not only do feetie pajamas TOTALLY cut it (I should know because I have two pairs), those guys’ ineptitude is the reason that E.T. hasn’t been back since.

    ps. Sorry to hear about the concussion/Tuberculosis hybrid. If it makes you feel better, the grocery store near my house has been out of oranges for the past week and I’m pretty sure I now have Scurvy. Oh, and also, because my TV is crapping out, I’m stuck watching Nancy Grace.

  107. Heya Jenny …

    You should at least get an air purifier stat. ‘Cause, they’re thinking that it might have been black mold that killed Brittany Murphy and her husband. Either that or it was the aliens. I can’t quite remember because my head still hurts and I’m all fuzzy. At least my thoughts are fuzzy … I don’t mean that *I* am fuzzy. If I say stuff like that, they might want to check ME for mold, and we all know how THAT will end up.

  108. Wow. Your zipper door is so magical. It’s glowing, like how I imagine the Virgin Mary’s Cesarean scar looks like in heaven.

    I can only assume she had a Cesarean, because she was a virgin, and I heard if you used a tampon it ruined your virginity, so passing Jesus through your birth canal probably does, too.

    So, you’re probably going to be OK, because it’s like when someone gets a grilled cheese at the diner and Mary’s face appears and then they win $500 at bingo night. Only it’s Mary’s heavenly abdomen and you winning no mold.

  109. hey. i’m too fat and my knees suck to ride a bike. but this is a special occasion. when you go to go on the bike ride where e.t. rides in the basket and you get to fly, i want to be part of your possy (pOssy, just wanted to clarify in case you thought I was hitting on you).

  110. So if you charged $10 per web link you would have $720.00 right now. Posting a web link is a quasi form of advertising… right? There were 72 posters (as of this post) who added their links to get your other readers to click on their link and read their blogs/websties/etc… So all you owe her $10 per link post. Pony up!

  112. Oh BLG-Bummer.
    1.the new (to you) house photos look gorgeous (even if all that lush and idyllic beautiful foilage is creepy-crawlifying(omg the possibilities shudders this city girl-but gr8 to look at/visit)
    2. Hope the final confirmation is NOT blackmold and you Hailey and Victor all are healthy and safe
    3. “Feetie pajamas” (THIS? Is why I love the bloggess)
    4. Hope all ends well.That place seems sooo YOU.Xcept I don’t KNOW you, but I read ur blog so I kinda do.But not really.at all. know wut I mean?sigh

  114. PS: sorry just had to add…read last few comments before mine. Kirsten#109: Clarifying Possy (LOL!!!!) but just for future ref Kirsten, use the POSSE spelling. Slightly less chance of “misunderstanding” with pOssy. Just a suggestion. Jenny’s commenters are really some of the best/funniest. (Aaaand now I’m done)

  115. I live in earthquake country.

    I can deal with earthquakes better that scorpions.

    And something’s wrong, because I typed “Earthquates” both times.

    I don’t even know what the hell that is.

    Maybe I have mold too.

    Crap.

  118. Only you could make black mold, tuberculosis, concussions, scorpions, and killing ET funny! I’m laughing hystercially… as I do with ALL of your posts!

  121. Hey at least they gave you a zipper. My house got black mold in it and they just basically came over one day drilled a bunch of holes in the wall while 15 year old me watched from the other side of the room watched them do some initial chemical testing. Then they basically turned around and said “ypu. It’s probably black mold and it seems to be in every room of your house, so it’s probably spreading from a central fixture. Have a nice day folks! Mold guys out!”

    Good times.

  123. In the interest of truth and justice, I just want to say that I watched E.T. a while back and, you know what? The government scientists don’t almost-kill E.T. It’s the stupid little kid protagonist who almost-kills E.T., by wandering off and leaving him in a ditch of cold water all night. The government scientists try to save E.T., almost unsuccessfully. But everybody remembers it the other way because for some reason there’s lots of scary music and ominous camera angles when the medical professionals show up.

  126. That is why, to this very day, I wear button-fly jeans.

    I don’t need any more red flags like “zippers” and underwear stamped HAZMAT telling women about my condition down there.

  127. First time reader
    First time caller
    and YES.
    It has taken me eons to get my misfit ass over here to finally see what all the fuss was about.

    and, as rarely happens in life, the fuss was warranted.

    off to archive explore…

  129. Horrible story. Funny as ever. Awesome comments. But all I’m taking away from this is that I want an @bloggess email address too. How much for one of those?

  130. If Victor missed this opportunity to play Mulder and Scully, I might have lost all respect for him. Just don’t tell me. It’s probably better that way. Unless you did. “Mulder! Are you saying these men are here to extract our DNA from our skin dust particles to create a whole species of hybrid human-alien super agents and take over the world? That is ridiculous, but so hot.” Bow chicka bow bow… excuse me. I have to use the restroom.

  131. Oh my dog as we say here at TPPC.tv. So sorry to hear of the trauma. Please disregard the comment we made yesterday about building office walls with tissue boxes. Perhaps suggest that Victor build the tissue wall and rent the office space yourself.

    Look at the bright side…you weren’t in a sailboat and a whale crashed into you breaking your boat’s mast. Please don’t go sailing.

  132. I’m so sorry. For your zipper.

    But YOU ALWAYS crack me up to the point of tears. I’m crying here…I should lie and say I’m crying for your zipper, but I can’t lie to you man.

  134. You are the funniest person dying of tuberculosis and black lung by way of concussion I’ve ever come across. No, really… EVER.

  135. If it’ll make you feel better about the mold situation, I can send you a 1,000,000+ x magnified replica of your new little spore friends. He’s got googly eyes which I think makes the whole black mold stigma a little softer. I’m serious. I’m the lab people, except that I love E.T.
    I’ll email you a picture of the spore. His name is Stachybotrys & he needs a friend.

  137. I’m thinking that if you swiped one of the “protective suits” you could probably sell it on E-Bay, ya know, to offset your expenses…. I mean, c’mon if a ghost-camera and a transvestie lego man/woman would sell, surely one of these would.

  138. Oh, nevermind.. someone beat me to the E-bay Idea. Now I really feel stupid for not reading ALL 138 comments. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!

  140. Take the mold spores and make them do the sexy dance and make little baby mold spores, and you could then sell them to unsuspecting people by pretending they’re…ummm…something else.

    And also? That zipper door could so be recycled into a wall/door for your office. Think about it.

  141. Bloggess, phone home! Bloggess, PHONE HOME!!!

    Do you need a speak and say that you can engineer into an alien phone? I wonder if mine is still in my parents attic / basement. The only issue – if it’s in the basement, there’s a good shot it’s covered in mold…

  142. They took your ET? What you don’t have a bike with a basket? What kind of person are you?

    Sorry to hear about the mold of whatever variety. That shit sucks. What was God thinking when he made that shit?

  143. I thought this shit only happened in movies. Movies like E.T.

    Everything I thought I knew is a LIE, isn’t it?

  144. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. It takes all the excitement of moving into a new house away! Anyway, my husband does this for a living and the first question that needs to be answered is have they located the source of the moisture because mold needs moisture to grow. Once you identify and fix the source then it may or may not be necessary to tear out sheet rock. Send me an email and ask any question you want and I will forward them to my husband. Hang in there!

  145. Huh. I apparently had black mold in my bathroom, and I didn’t get guys in bunny suits OR a zipper. I just got a great big gaping hole in my bathroom. Which was inconvenient because I *sleep* in there.

    I’m kind of jealous of your alien.

  146. I have a spare room. For you. And Victor (if he’s mould intolerant). And kid (because I like kids).
    Yes, you will have to take a transatlantic flight. And have some really sore vaccinations. And brace yourselves for friendliness (the locals are like that. Nothing I can do. I have tried.)

    I’m just saying.

  149. You should let the scorpians eat the mold, allowing them to mutate and become Lobsterpians. Giant non stinging lobster like scorpians that enjoy beating up snakes, squashing spiders and keeping the grass short. Also they taste great straight off the bbq with just a pinch of mint and garlic and smothered in butter.

    Blam!

    No scorpions, mold, spiders or snakes and the lawn is neat.

  150. Oh dear. I know this post is funny as shit, but mold is not a joking matter. I’m sorry that you have to go thru this. Did the seller of the house disclose this? Did you hire an inspector before the purchase? Is there any legal action you can take because somebody should be responsible for the failure to communicate to you about the big fucking issue here before you signed that check. Now I am just getting madded and madder. I need to go calm down now. Where’s my fucking flask?

  151. dude,

    ask the guy they verifies that kind of shit to say either “it is” or “is not” the is or isn’t is too fuckin close fonetically to distinguish unless they are speaking when all the voices are not saying “tee hee”

    PS the people who make a living dealing with specific situations will always say “you’re fucked” in those particular places where they are licensed to charge a fee to un-fuck you. Get them to put in writing exactly what position you are in, because they might be charging you to cock-block your favorite kind of screwing.

  152. ET: The reason I had separation anxiety as a child. Utterly terrifying! Also for a long time, it was difficult for me to eat anything that was dusted with confectioners sugar because that’s how that poor little waif of an ET looked when he was in the drainage ditch. Homesickness sucks.

  155. Wow. Judging by the zipper, that’s the biggest pair of pants ever. I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but you may have a deranged clown in your bathroom.

  156. I hate to ask this, but didn’t you have an inspection done before you bought this house?

  157. Um…holy shit. You can come stay with me. Just ask for more ads. Because I live in Seattle. And can’t afford to buy you a plane ticket. It’s the thought that counts though right ?

  158. 1) I’d TOTALLY be demanding a refund! What kind of customer service is that? WALMART has better customer service!

    B) Where do you find adult sized footie pajamas? I NEED THEM! MY PRECIOUSESESESES

    4) Did you get Scully’s number? I’d SOOOO hit that!

  159. Oh wow, that sucks. Guess you shouldn’t live in such a moist state….he he moist. Also, zippers are totally the way to go to keep out zombies too.

  160. 1st of all I LOVE YOU. 2nd all mold sucks.3rd of all Victor is an asshole. haha just kidding.

    if you need to move out of your house you can stay with me. but not victor. just you and haley. also I have not told my boyfriend that i am offering you our house because just like victor he is an asshole too.

    ive never been to texas but im sure you and haley will love it here in boston. see you soon.

  161. Oops. I just read thru the comments and saw your reply. SORRY awesome seller-of-the-house and SORRY Inspector! You guys are awesome people for helping Jenny fight the Black Mold.

    We need a graphic novel version of this shit that’s happening. Dear TB, get your cape on!

  162. I both laugh and sympathize with you. The only-eight-years-old house that we were trying to buy just fell through in part because of a mold problem in the basement. Yuck yuck yuck yuck and double yuck. I was down there in the basement and you could almost SEE it growing up the walls and there were these weird little bugs swarming from spore to spore… blech… maybe I’m catually okay with the fact that the house fell through. I don’t think I could EVER have gone down in that basement again…

  163. 5 fucking years in therapy finally killed my fear of those damn FBI freaks in E.T……… now how am I gonna sleep?! I need some reassurance that no E.T.’s were harmed, killed or mamed during the making of this post. You should seriously post a disclaimer verifying that.

  164. I’m pretty sure the only sidebar ad you were supposed to sell was to me, for $1, for a picture of me that said something about how awesome I am. In fact, when I saw the title of the post and then something about ads on Twitter I was all “Better check the wallet so I can mail that buck to Jenny, because look what just happened.”

  165. Jenny- FIGHT THE MOLD!!!!!! unless of course you”like” to move AGAIN…ick. Since the previous owners are helping out with the cost, this is prob the way to go….MOVING FUCKING SUCKS. that is all.

    ps- do I send the Reeses Pieces nextday air or would you like to pick them up??

  167. At least you got to meet some new interesting friends with real snazzy wardrobes.

    The bright side is always less dim.

  168. So maybe you’d trade in the first class/backstage pass to the newest sci fi/apocalyptic thriller for a movie night where you can wear the footie pajamas in peace, but then you wouldn’t already be on top of the newest fad in interior decorating… have you tried to pitch “The Zipper” to some of the interior decorating blogs around here? I bet you could claim it’s some kind of existentialist statement about the modern media’s obsession with zombies and doom or something… just an idea…

  169. WELLLLLLLLL, that’s pretty juicy.

    But I can beat that, I think I found asbestos in my living room walls. oh fuckerowski.

    Oh, if you think those suits are snazzy, you should see the HAZMAT guys when my friend’s vintage fire extinguisher began to leak carbon tetrachloride. Now THOSE were suits!

  171. This is horrible.

    When I was a child I had a reoccuring nightmare about E.T. I hate him to this day. One of my coworkers knows this and snuck an E.T. in my desk drawer. That bastard.

    As for mold, I work with it everyday. But not the kind that can kill me – the kind that kills trees. Although, I have wondered what would happen to me if I ingested it . . . on accident of course.

  172. Very cool to hear the former owners are helping you pay for the removal… which is probably a good thing, since you write a blog and could trash them from here to kingdom come.

  173. Although I’m really sorry about your mold and zippered doorways, I really appreciate the fact that my (visiting) sister and I are sitting side-by-side on the sofa (with our laptops, blogging) chuckling uncontrollably at the last two sentences of this post. Look forward to seeing you at Blogher…

  174. I feel your pain.

    All last year at university I was all “Oh there’s a hole in my wall” and then when I mentioned it to someone they were like “THIS ENTIRE BUILDING IS MADE OF ASBESTOS”. So basically in 15 years I die.

    Great.

  175. So weird. But the exact same thing is happening with my new (to me) office. Except no ET guys. Just a guy with a big belly naed Chip who smokes a lot. But not near the mold, because it might be flamable.

  177. Do you think this is karma for lying to those cat-allergy ridden (probably, anyway) Craigslist guys that bought your couch?

    If so, karma really is a bitch.

  178. So you know why they won’t let you in, right? Besides the part where they want you to be alive to pay them, I mean. It’s because they’re jealous. That mold hazmat gear? Uncomfortable as hell!! No shit.

  179. wait a minute.

    There IS no black mold in college towns, especially ones that get that mother fucking hot (THE bloggess lives or at least tried to live by moving into the house right?)

    if she has been in the house for at least 24 hours or basket ball players named anything that starts with the same letter but end with essica then there would NOT be enough moisture anywhere in the house that would support growth of mold or any other type of fungus. It was scientifically proven that women that hot produced an environment that was too hot for mold to grow after either one of them being present for 24 hours (12 if they were both there) both the 12 is only in theory as it might be dangerous having two women that are THAT hot in the same town UNLESS there was an annoying redheaded poet writing one to balance out the hotness with mean dust hating character

    so if that house is on Bell ave this story is complete bullshit

    if that house is on Tuleyani ln it is complete bullshit and YOU SOLD MY FUCKING WOLF PUPPET!!??

    THAT WAS HAND STICHED BY CHRISTIAN DIJORE HOW THE HELL DID YOU MISTAKE HIS SIGNATURE FOR JESUS CHRIST OF THE HUMAN SOCIETY CHRISTS?

    say it ain’t Jen, say it ain’t so…

  180. whoa! guess that’s what I get for having more than 65 tabs open on all three browsers. See THAT I meant to send in to a web site for a creative writing contest. And actually I will having to go back and check your other posts to see if any other things have slipped through.

    At least until i get my secure operating system that is custom made and cannot be hacked. See I often come by your blog for ideas to write creatively and today when I came back I was all “WTF (only I said it) because who ever posted my creative writing sample entry here as a comment in your blog actually wrote out curse words like Fu*k and SH*T and SH*T and Fu*k typing out even worse swear words in there entire-ity like breast, bajana, nipple, and titty. they even went as far as writing the word, well you know ES—EE—XX.

    It am willing to bet it you write the ENTIRE word out, you have probably even seen an R rated movie

    for real this time

    say it ain’t so Jen, say it ain’t so…

  181. Oh, Goodness. Are they even going to LET YOU on the plane to NYC (I am not talking about your arsonist aspirations either!)

  184. Note to self: before putting house on the market, buy a $1.29 gallon of bleach and a $10 sprayer. Use it. And pick up all the “paper towels” in the yard. Or maybe scatter some around. Scorpions are a little harder. Maybe put out a little wading pool and a few plastic lobsters, and mention I breed the cute little rascals.

  185. The mold guys are total scammers. My hubby is an environmental engineer and he cleaned our black mold with a paper towel and some clorox. He’s not dead yet, so he’s right.

  186. Maybe the scorpions are there because they are snacking on the mold, like some kind of black villainous salad w/o the ranch dressing. And maybe the foxen are snacking on the scorpions snacking on the mold. Sooooo, maybe when the mold goes, so will the scorpions and the foxen. Viola, problem(s) solved. Easy peasy!

  188. Seriously…when they told you they were going to seal off the house like Silkwood…what did you say? Exactly…WHAT did you say to them? I think you left that part of the story out…

  189. and the winner of the worlds longest sentence goes toooooooooooo THE BLOGGESS! congratulationsyoucanpickupyourprizefromouronlinestorebyphysicallypresentingthismessageasproofofreceiptgoodluck:)

  190. You should probably spray some black tempra paint around your office so they build a tent around it, and then afterwards give them the ol’ boo boo lip so they let you keep your new plastic walls.

  191. I want to cry right alongside you! That sucks. And I also thought of E.T. before you even mentioned it. I can only imagine how happy you are that none of your aliens are being kidnapped in this process. But be careful with them: those guys in the suits look sneaky. I’d suggest a better hiding spot for your aliens than the pile of stuffed animals you store in your moldy closet…

  194. Your new house frightens me.
    Although I think my apartment is infested with centipedes.
    My boyfriend doesn’t believe me because I sometimes let my imagination run away with me.
    I saw one crawl under the fridge but isn’t it like if you see one, there are like a hundred that you *can’t* see…?

    I would totally buy an AD but I have no idea what I would advertise.

  196. I’m very sorry you have mold…or some other intrusive strain of fungas infiltrating your house.

    But, I have to say as a reader, that post was one of the all-time greatest run on sentences I have ever read!

    …and I’m sorry that the awesomeness of that paragraph distracted me from your plight.

  197. Glad it isn’t black mold. Hugs!! Hopefully you had inspection insurance? Or something like that that will pay for this? You should keep the zipper. That’s cool! I might put one in the next house I design……. That might be awesome!

  198. Sorry about the mold but you can also fix it yourself if it hasn’t spread all over the place. And also, you need to see what’s the source – moisture, bad walls/isolation, etc. there are several reasons why it grows (is mold actually growing?). Anyway, hope these guys helped and I’m glad the previous owners will pay for this. 🙂

    But, when it comes to scorpions – yuck! I’m so glad I live in a country where all such creatures live in the woods or something like that. Anywhere, but not near me. 😀

  200. If someone else said this, I’m too lazy to read through 200 other comments– but I’m pretty sure those are pictures from the movie ET.

  202. I am fully aware that this is an old, no, ancient post, however, what the hell os wrong with you people? Black mold? You young people will fall for anything. What a scam! If you think you must pay “professional” mold people to take care of such a silly problem, then you would fall for other scams like second hand smoke and climate change. Me? I am a veteran and not afraid of anything smaller than myself. You are a bunch of silly children afraid of the dark and bugs. Grow up!

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