I’ll be available for hire next week if the rest of the chupacabra body goes up for sale

Last week I got an email from a lady named Sarah who founded Juice in the City.  You might be asking yourself, “What is Juice in the City and why are they emailing Jenny?”  I wondered the same thing but it turns out that they wanted to hire me as their social media consultant for the day.  Probably because they were all high.  Regardless, I immediately accepted because I wanted to expand my professional portfolio and also because Victor wouldn’t let me have any money to buy a chupacabra foot (more on that later).

Here is a slightly paraphrased version of our email thread, which will now serve as a warning to anyone considering hiring me:

Sarah: Juice in the City promotes local businesses while giving moms super cheap deals on things they specifically recommend.  We’re THE original mom-run, mom-sourced, locally-based deal site and every day it’s a different deal in eleven different markets.  It’s cool stuff.  Like recently we offered deals on vajazzling and lipo.

Me: That sounds like a terrible combination.  Your vagina rhinestones (vaginestones?) would be falling off by the time your lipo bruises fade.  I suggest not offering those two things as a package deal.

Sarah: Um…they weren’t a package deal.

Me: Awesome.  Then you’ve already taken the first step.  Next step would be to offer deals on things that people *really* want.   Here are my suggestions:

Victorian vampire hunting kits, taxidermied mice wearing small top hats, freelance ninjas (by-the-hour), zombie-defense consultations, time-share ponies….that sort of thing.

Also, time-share ponies is totally my idea so if you end up starting that business you need to pay me royalties.  In ponies.

Sarah: Explain “time-share ponies”?

Me: Everyone wants a pony but if you get a pony it’s hard to sleep because you’re thinking about all the pony-time you’re wasting when you’re asleep so instead you buy a time-share pony and when you’re sleeping or eating you let the other people who bought shares in the pony ride it.  That way the pony is in use 24/7.  Fully-efficient ponies. Except that now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure ponies need to sleep too.  God, all my ponies are going to die of exhaustion. Are ponies allergic to amphetamines?  I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.

Me again: WAIT.  HOLD THE PHONE.  Okay, we’ll let people who have pony-phobia have the ponies during pony nap-time so that they can just sit near them and conquer their fears.  WE’RE CONQUERING MENTAL ILLNESS WITH PONIES.

Sarah: Once, a traveling partner I was with in Istanbul was offered a camel in exchange for me.  That is the closest I have come to timeshare ponies and it’s not even close.

Me: I don’t know what the exchange rate of camels is but it sounds like you were seriously undervalued.  But never mind that because OMG, I FOUND IT. I found the perfect thing for you to offer.

Ooooooh.

You get a dismembered hand AND three wishes for only $55. IT PRACTICALLY SELLS ITSELF.  Except that I don’t know how many hands she has to sell.  One would think at least two.

Sarah: Huh.  They do usually come in pairs.  I don’t know if this is quite what we’re looking for but I appreciate your enthusiasm.  Let me think about it.

And that’s why you should check out Juice in the city.  Because they could be offering amazing deals on monkey paws and time-share ponies any fucking day now. But until then you can check out whatever today’s deal is.  Like in Houston today they’re offering FIVE DOLLAR BOOZE, which is awesome, but not quite as awesome as time-share ponies.  But honestly…what is? Also you should check them out because they actually paid me for that consultation and I’m using that money to buy a chupacabra foot.

So technically I just got paid in chupacabra feet.

That shit is so going on my resume.

169 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Did the camel have one hump or two? I think that would be an important consideration when trading for a human.

    Also, considering all the crazy stuff that happens with monkey’s paws, I don’t think anyone would want two. Really, they’re doing you a favor by only selling you one and letting you mess up three times instead of six.

    Jennifer Bak recently posted Toledo Restaurant Review- Ferdos Mediterranian Restaurant.

  2. Side note: Holy crap! I was the first comment! I’m normally comment a gazillion and two! Where are the rest of your followers? Did the zombie apocalypse come and we missed it?

    Perhaps someone did get that monkey’s paw and messed up already?

    Jennifer Bak recently posted Toledo Restaurant Review- Ferdos Mediterranian Restaurant.

  3. Jesus, what the fuck pills did I take this morning??

  4. I love you! That is all.

    Stacy recently posted Slow-mo.

  5. I’ve decided that you being paid in chupacabra feet is kind of like being paid in blood diamonds, and that’s the reason Satan’s frosty asshole has parked itself over the entire central part of the country. And that’s why you don’t piss off the Dark Lord by relieving one of his earthly minions of their feet.

    Chelsie recently posted OhSnowYouDidn’t.

  6. 6
    Abby-Wan Kenobi

    I’m reading at work and I clicked the link so I could see the chupacabra foot (because *how awesome*) and I got this shit:

    Based on your corporate access policies, access to this web site ( http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/Site/CURIOSA.html ) has been blocked because the web category “Tasteless & Offensive” is not allowed.

    My office is an asshole. On the other hand, thebloggess.com is not considered “Tasteless & Offensive”, which is a little surprising considering that they find taxidermy distasteful. Win? I don’t know, but I’ll probably now waste an hour of my company’s time as retribution for denying me chupacabra parts.

  7. Ok so I’m all for the discounted booze (who wouldn’t be) but really… am I the only one to think the marketing picture they have is sooo unrealistic… “Mom’s” wearing white shirts while drinking Red Wine? Not to be that girl in the back of the theater who yell’s out “He’s hiding in the closet” but give me a little bit of reality otherwise I will think that I’m already drunk and not even bother with the discounted booze. Ok ok I’d still go for it, I’m mean it’s half off AND I get a Souvenir Glass!! Knock Knock Knocking on that Cellar Door!

  8. I love how your mind works….or doesn’t work. We are sisters separated at birth! Well I always told my mother that I was adopted and I needed to go out and find my real family so it must be true.

  9. Well, if you don’t want to continue to get paid in chupacabra feet, I might put that in the “Hobbies” section of your resume, rather than in the “Salary Requirements” section. Think of all those poor footless chupacabras you’d be creating. But, since they couldn’t go anywhere, maybe they would provide companionship for the time-share ponies.

    a recently posted Merry Christmas- sort of.

  10. You get the best emails ever. Can I be you when I grow up?

    Michelle recently posted Aversion Therapy.

  11. 11
    SharonCville

    What gets me is that they are offering more than one chupacabra feet. Clearly they have a secret supply of chupacabras that they are KEEPING FROM THE WORLD and selling off part by part. 60 Minutes ought to look into this.

  12. Five dollar booze AND you get to keep the cup? Sweet. I normally just steal the cup on the way out because I’m too drunk to realize I still have it in my hand.

    I’ve ditched a lot of accidentally shoplifted wine glasses in the back of taxi cabs.

  13. I went out with a guy once. Brought him back to my place. When things got heated, he turned out to be a biter. Three times I told him stop with the teeth, and he didn’t. Then I just decided to get this shit over with. The next day I was covered in bruises (OK, hickeys, really) from my neck to my knees. Not pretty. Since the guy was Mexican I figured he was a chupacabra. His feet looked nothing like that. Sorry, but you got gipped. Really, it’s like your paycheck bounced.

    Name withheld to protect the guilty recently posted BSeditor- @HTownChowDown @EatingOurWords It says its from AskMencom Why its presented with a Chron byline without preamble is whats baffling.

  14. Yo, woman. I checked out the foot and noticed it specifically said it would last for years “if cared for properly”. You might want to check into the small print on that. It could be a trap.

    Melinda recently posted You say you need a doghouse.

  15. The fact that “Juice in the City” sounds like “Sex and the City” AND the woman’s name is ‘Sarah’ which also makes me think of “Sex and the City” because of SARAH Jessica Parker and then you went the “pony” route and I’m not even gonna go there about SJP because who wants to beat that dead horse makes me just want to go back and reread this whole thing because I’ve totally lost my train of thought now.

    I feel bad for Matthew Broderick.

    moooooog35 recently posted The Time in the Future where I Spammed My Past Self and Maybe Vice Versa.

  16. Once, at the Ren Fest, I was sold for 236 sheep by my not-quite-boyfriend. To a random, very tall, man in velvet pants. Like he picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and walked off.

    I was told I should be proud because a normal wench only went for one or MAYBE two sheep. Apparently I’m an expensive wench.

  17. I clicked on the Chupacabra foot link, and the photo of the foot resting on a book made me laugh. Then I gagged. Then I laughed again. Starting my morning off with a bang, Jenny. Thank you.

    P.S. That was not hyperbole.

    Gen recently posted An Old Friend- and Rye Toast Which Tastes of Mold.

  18. I love all you people. And I am already a big fan of Juice in the City just because she played along with you and even threw in a camel story. Good for her! :-)

  19. Okay, usually by the time I comment I am like commenter number 3427, which is SO frustrating because I can’t imagine that you get that far reading all of your comments. But TODAY? I am SO quick on the draw. I have to tell you that you are SERIOUSLY my all-time FAV Blogger. I LOVE your kooky, quirky mind! My mind is only like 1/3 as kooky as yours as I have been called weird more times than I can count…although that means very little as I am extraordinarily bad at math. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you have a new HUGE (yet pint sized) fan. Not to be confused with stalker. I don’t do that…anymore. Besides, those charges were dropped.

    Lori stefanac recently posted And The Winner Is….

  20. –>My friend leases her horse but I don’t think she’s ever considered time shares. This would save her a lot of trips to the barn and shoveling manure. You’re a genius!

    WebSavvyMom recently posted You Cant Take the Military Out of the Man.

  21. So, 5 dollar booze is a mom tool? Pardon the naivety, I am a non-mom – well technically, as a non-american, I would be a non MUM, but yeah. Who knew. Alcohol fuelled parenting. Is that to make up for all the time during pregnancy you’re not allowed to drink? Or is the booze for the kids?

    I am totally confused, Juice in the city.

    Katy recently posted Service Update – risking the anger of the OCD monster.

  22. do not buy the foot. it WILL stink up your house. truuuuuuuuuust me.

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted When I say- Im the very worst missionary Yeah- Im really not kidding.

  23. I think there’s a tequila called “Chupacabra.” I could be wrong, tho … because I was drunk on tequila when I saw it. Not very helpful, I know. But if there isn’t a “Chupacabra” tequila, there should be. And instead of a worm, it could have a chupacabra hand floating in the bottle.

    Pretty sure I’m on to something here.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Pros &amp Cons or- The time I tried way too hard to be funny whilst giving away some “SouthLAnd” schwag.

  24. Who doesn’t know what a time-share pony is? Geez.

    Rachael recently posted Cats!.

  25. You are Amazing!
    ::pullsawaynesworld::
    “Im not Worthy, Im not Worthy!!!”
    Im in awe.

    jessica recently posted Fuck You- Jack Frost!.

  26. I’m an idiot. I didn’t realize that vajazzling was a real thing. Ick.

    emily illinois recently posted THE INFAMOUS- C &amp C Combo!!!.

  27. She zeroed in on the time-share ponies but completely overlooked the freelance ninjas. Hello! Gold mine. Who doesn’t need a ninja? Especially at work?

    QandleQueen recently posted Reader Questions - Feb 1- 2011.

  28. I think I’d like to have the whole chupacabra thingy that way I can show him off at fairs and such and he’d pay for himself.

    Brandy recently posted Geekdom- Mario is Pissed Off!.

  29. Ponies won’t need amphetamines if you threaten them with pictures of that foot. *shudder*

    Elly Lou recently posted Further Proof I Have the Best Readers EVER.

  30. I’ve commented a few times, I don’t know if you read any of my comments, so I’m gonna repeat myself.
    I’m Brazillian, therefore a native Portuguese speaker.
    Portuguese and Spanish are very alike…
    and also I’m pretty sure that WE came up with Chupa Cabras, not spanish speakers.

    Anyway, just thought you should know that chupa-cabra means “suck-goats”. :D

  31. I totally read all the comments. I’m a bit OCD. And Chupacabra’s are well known for being huge goat suckers so that totally makes sense.

  32. Gads the monkey’s paw. Are you familiar with the story? The lesson to learn from it? That if your son dies by falling in machinery at work and is all mangled and you wish for him to come back he’ll come back as a machinery-mangled dragging moaning scraping zombie ready to eat you?

    The zombie-defense consultation needs to be a package deal with the monkey’s paw.

    The story is online – consider yourself warned. http://gaslight.mtroyal.ca/mnkyspaw.htm. Herbert would be a lovely name for a time-share pony, don’t you think?

    mrtl recently posted And So Im Googling Again.

  33. normally, i would ignore a site like that. but the email exchange proves that their organization is run by top-notch people.

    ALSO: i would like to know where i can order a taxidermy mouse with a small top hat. i have the perfect spot to put him and a name picked out and everything. i’ve been WAITING for one, like thinking WHY OH WHY CAN I NOT FIND A STUFFED MOUSE THAT ISN’T A CAT TOY??

    steph gas recently posted a story- part three.

  34. Im just going to check out hte site, cuz like maybe she has camels on there too? Dude, awesomeness!

  35. I don’t have a chupacabra foot, but I did get a My Little Pony in my happy meal yesterday. She’s pink. And I brushed her tail.

    I blame you for buying myself toys, by the way.

    xo Susie

  36. I should have never clicked on the link to the chupacabra foot. That just scarred me for life – Yich! Now I’m going to have to drive to Houston for the five dollar booze so I can drink to forget all about it.

  37. I have long had a plan to buy miniature ponies and train them to be assassins. (Because seriously, who is going to expect death to be that adorable?) I will train them to attack, put blades on their hooves, that sort of thing. So how about we go in together and get ponies and have them actually be TIME SHARE NINJA DEATH PONIES.

    (Also, If you steal this idea I will send my top ninja death pony Mr. Fluffykins after you. He is ferociously adorable)

  38. I believe you may very well be the first person to successfully combine taxidermy with a foot fetish [citation needed]. All hail Rule 34!

    kyknoord recently posted I can hardly wait for the phantom pregnancy!.

  39. TIME SHARE NINJA DEATH PONIES

    how can you say no?!

  40. I can’t believe you want the Chupacabra foot when you could have Siamese Twin Squirrels! I am sure you could find someone to sew up a little siamese suit and top hat for it (them?) to wear.

    Kim Sasso recently posted Broken Hearted Me.

  41. 41
    Pam up north

    I’m totally on board with the pony time share thing-sign me up! As for the chupacabra foot…did you see where it said ” Created from a real animal foot”. What the hell does that mean? I’m thinking you’ve got a variety pack of animal parts created especially for your Chupa foot…couldn’t they find the real deal? Losers.

  42. I’m offering a pony, a chupacabra heart, and a mummified hand that only has 2 wishes left on it. It DID have 3, but I really wanted some jello salad with little marshmallows in it.

    Let’s trade.

    Keely recently posted Some random thoughts about BlissDom Of course.

  43. This reminds me of a business ownership I tried to set up with hookers once.

    the muskrat recently posted lawsuits- nothing to LOL about.

  44. Jenny, I’m concerned. Not because you’re potentially going to turn into a mass-pony slave driver, and not because you excitedly chose to spend your consulting earnings purchasing a chupacabra foot. I’m concerned that you may be on the verge of getting ripped off. On the website, the chupacabra foot mounted on a plaque is over $300…the link you provided is discribed as the chupacabra food *display*. What if you order this and it comes sans foot? You’ll have spent your time patiently waiting by the door for the delivery person to bring you this foot, when all you’re going to get is the display case for the foot you wanted to have!
    Also? I find it curious that just your good ole fashioned mummified hands come at a pricier rate than the hand that also comes with three wishes. How does this make sense?!

    Loonybin recently posted I was just emotionally raped over the internet.

  45. I’m gonna need all the $5 booze I can get after looking at that site. In fact, I think, if I get just drunk enough, I might buy the dead bird head necklace. awesome.

  46. The problem is that now whenever I make a comment I know my “Queen’s last blog” is going to show up and well… it’s called “Lost Cat” which is bad ’cause I didn’t really lose a cat but I’ve been stealing them and making fun of people who put up the lost cat posters! And no… at the moment I’m not giving them heroine but it’s a consideration. So when you see “Lost Cat…” post you shouldn’t think I’m all wimpy!

    I looked at the foot… and the entire site… and oddly ever since you got a Boar Head I keep looking at weird taxidermied shit and get all excited over it. I saw at trout in a squirrel suit the other day and it was all freaky squirelled wiht a trout head coming from it which was odd and gross and disturbing but now I’m thinking if they vajazzled it… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

    I wonder if I can find a social media consulting job that will pay me in trout squirrels?

    Queen recently posted Lost cat.

  47. I actually have a friend who was born in Iraq, she was a “ginger” and people offered her father camels for her all the time because she was “rare”. Gotta love foreigners.

    Lee

    Lee recently posted Stand Up To Cancer! Stephanie Piche’s Story Of Survival!.

  48. Awesome. I’d definitely be interested in a Victorian vampire hunting kit and zombie apocalypse class combination package. I see real cross-sell potential there.

  49. Here’s one, but I see the problem with having a lock on the case. You’d have it carefully stowed on your train ride through Budapest and Wham! Vampire attack. Now you are a helpless fool trying to find that tiny key in your purse while the undead noms on your blood supply.

    http://kamelotauctions.com/images/38/lots/5839-651a.php

  50. Please make sure your Time-Share Pony business makes its way to Dallas!

    John B recently posted In case of emergency- take pictures.

  51. When I first went on the Chupacabra site I saw what I thought said “GRILLED MUMMIES” and I thought back to Sunday night when I basically mummified my pork chops by roasting them for and hour at 500 degrees and I was all like those pork chops sucked so bad how could a Grilled Mummy be any good. Hard as a rock. Which is good for somethings but not for your teeth.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted 104 Invisible Words To Live By.

  52. Hilarious. Seriously, Juice in the City? Shouldn’t they just be marketing, well…juice and other assorted beverages? I totally get the $5 booze, but a pony or severed hands and wishes just seems off their product line. I could be wrong here though, you have a point about people wanting ponies.

  53. 53
    Anglophile Football Fanatic (Holly)

    A 100,000 years ago I had a blog. And, idolized you. Because you are spectacular and live in my ‘hood. And, you let me be your +1 at a blog-vention so I got in cheaper. So as the Regional Manager for Juice in the City, Houston, Sarah (my boss) asked me who I wanted to handle PR for the market. I took about 3 milliseconds and said, “You gotta hire Jenny, because despite receiving dissassembled Legos in the mail and having freakish women show her boobs with tats of their illicit lesbian lovers, she kicks ass. And, those are the kinds of subscribers I want.” So thanks for answering the call. I am so delighted. And, although we only have wine today, I’m on the lookout for a used camel dealer or a vaginal beader who also does lipo in Greater Katy. Cause that’s how I roll, apparently.

  54. Now I really want a taxidermied mouse in a top hat! :’(

  55. This is Sarah. Not Jessica Parker. I fucking love Jenny. I wish we could offer more pony and camel related deals, but shockingly most moms want mani/pedis. Still, I’m looking for a deal on male strippers that do mani/pedis, or maybe midget male strippers that do mani/pedis. Please contact me asap if you know of any place in the country that offers this service.

  56. This is exactly why I stalk your site. Oh and I just finished voting for you in the 2011 blog awards, go Jenny!!!!

    Dana recently posted Looks Like Rough Week- And I Think Id Rather Watch From Under the Covers.

  57. My husband’s wrestling name is Chupaca-Brant. But you can’t have his feet. Maybe…depends on the price. If we’re talking midgets I may negotiate…

    Margarita | On the Rocks | Lots of Salt recently posted Tree Tots- Blue Balls- Farting- Blue Mexican Thunder Pants- Eskimos- and Maybe Capri Suns.

  58. Ok, first time commenting…. hehehe….

    You are full of awesome and mystery ingredients … This blog makes me laugh til it hurts many many times … (maybe free neck braces for chronic readers?)… which is inconvenient for my husband when I’m reading in bed while he’s trying to sleep… bonus… free “vibrating” bed.

    Tho I have to say I check out other bits of the chupacabra foot site… and all I can say is WTF?! Cat and kitten paw necklaces? ACK!! No Bueno!

  59. My husband told me it “wouldn’t be a good use of our funds” to buy a chupacabra foot. Plus he told me that it was probably imbued with evil magic, like that’s not a bonus. There should a support group for women who are denied chupacabra feet by there fuddy-duddy spouses.

    Betty Fokker recently posted WTF was this asshat thinking.

  60. That would be so cool. Put it on your coffee table and when people come over, they will look in the box and go “Oh my!” and slam the box fast, and you can go “What are you doing?” I would rent a pony. I used to own 2 horses. I sold them, they cost to much to take care of, plus it is non stop poop scoop duty.

  61. Time shared ponies is a great idea. I’m toasting to you. Of course I’m already pretty toasted because it’s colder here right now than a well diggers ass or a witch’s tit as my dad used to say.

    The last time I say a pony ride they put a “big girl” on a pony. I felt so sorry for it. It was pony abuse. Thank God they only let her go round once.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted You know it’s cold outside when the dog asks for a catheter.

  62. That is too bad that they aren’t going to take you up on what you wanted to sell. I personally,am disappointed because I lost my first endorsement deal from my blog. I thought I was going to get to be a spokesperson and get a welcome basket and stuff. Here’s the link to see how my own email conversation went. And yesterday’s blog inspired today’s post. Those were the good old days. . .

    http://carolynsfamilyblogspot.blogspot.com/2011/01/im-going-to-be-freaking-rich-let-my.html

    Carolyn recently posted Im Really Quite Bitter About the Whole Do Not Call List Thing Because its Ruining All My Fun.

  63. That was some website…I am specifically instersted in the “faux vulture head.” If I double-side sticky tape it to the dashboard of my car, maybe people will not try and steal my GPS. And I do not think she was undervalued by the offer of the camel trade….just sayin’.

    Susan recently posted Hunks on A Truck -or- Another Thing I Love About Firemen.

  64. 5 bucks for wine is a hell of a deal. That’s almost tempting enough to make me move to Texas.

    Almost.

  65. Chupa cabra website has loads of interesting things, think they had anything to do with the Sold-Out flying squirells………

    Luff ya

    knows not what I do.. recently posted Not Smelly- inspiring.

  66. I have deeply regretted a lot of the things that I have Googled in recent past (I’ll never eat a blueberry waffle ever again), but I’m going to get right back on the Time Share Pony and put in a search for “What the hell is ‘vajazzling’?”

    Libby recently posted Profanities and Other Sundry Joys of Childhood.

  67. I am hard core addicted to those deal sites, here in Ontario, Canada.

    I end up spending more money than I ever would on things like mice with tophats, simply because how could I possibly pass on a deal like that!

    It’s worse when I am up late. In the morning the Boyfriend always asks what I’ve been up to. Oh lordy.

    Also? I want pony time share. FOR REALS.

    _

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Girl on Girl.

  68. *****************
    @Libby – DON’T DO IT!! You don’t want to know! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Girl on Girl.

  69. First, I though a chupacabra was something you get at Taco Bell. Second, I checked out the fine print on your chupacabra foot seller site. It says that it’s made from real “animal foot”. I suspect you’re only going to get about 36% chupacabra foot and 64% oats, water and filler….just like Taco Bell Beef! Correct me if I’m wrong but by this logic, I’m pretty sure that Taco Bell beef is made from chupacabras.

    Stephanie recently posted Wedding Stess!.

  70. Holy shit! The girl who commented above me is named Stephanie from Ontario, Canada. I’m Stephanie from Ontario, Canada!

    What kind of nexus of the universe shit is happening here?

    Stephanie recently posted Wedding Stess!.

  71. Ok, wait. I posted under my own post…so of course that’s me…but if you look 2 up from the last time I posted THAT”s another Stephanie from Ontario. *head explodes*

    Stephanie recently posted Wedding Stess!.

  72. How could I have not figured that out on my own?
    I have a vagina and a hot glue gun. I’m so turning this into a DIY project for snowed in days.

    Libby recently posted Profanities and Other Sundry Joys of Childhood.

  73. I so want a time share pony along with the Victorian vampire hunting kit now. Valentine’s Day is coming up and it would be a lot better than the flowers I get year after year along with the last minute card that looks like it survived an explosion.

    Elle recently posted Hubby- I don’t know why you’re so tired I let you sleep in Me- laughs hysterically.

  74. The government contractor I used to work for did some business years ago with the Saudis. One of the sheiks or princes or some kind of royal dude was in our office and saw my boss. He offered the president of our company 50 camels for her. From that point on, she always got paid time off whenever the Saudis were in town.

    Stacey recently posted My GPS hates me.

  75. Also, fuck James Madison, you deserve to be a Saint for your Time-Share Pony idea.

    John B recently posted In case of emergency- take pictures.

  76. Wait. They *paid* you for that? I mean, not that it wasn’t hilarious, but I’m sure it wasn’t quite what they were looking for.

    Emmy recently posted The lack of love for singleness.

  77. Vaginal Rhinestones I know what my fiance is getting for her birthday!!!

    cynicalbuddha recently posted Samurai Mushroom Comics - Chapter 17.

  78. Also, we haven’t heard anything about polydactyl kitty in a while. I’m assuming this is because he has killed you, assumed your identity (and your wigs) and is now blogging as you. He buys chupacabra feet because they increase the strength of his little opposable kitty thumbs.

    Emmy recently posted The lack of love for singleness.

  79. I’m totally interested in the time-share amphetamines. Oh, wait – you were talking time-share ponies. Well, the time-share amphetamines are totally MY idea. Now, I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet, either, but if this takes off I’m getting royalties.

    Phoenix Rising recently posted I totally blame Jersey Shore The show Not the actual geographical location.

  80. Bahaha suck-goats. That’s ridiculous. But completely accurate.

    Juice in the City is not available in my area. What the hell. (Statement, not question.)

    Kendahl recently posted Day 16 I have a penchant for giving people nicknames What does that mean.

  81. FINALLY! You are approached by someone who GETS you. Good Advise. I see a meteoric rise in this career in your future.

    PS – I totally admire the person who started the business Custom Creature Taxidermy. I mean, hello, PERFECT business. I hope they make tons o money.

  82. I think Sarah gets a gold star for being rolling with it in that e-mail thread. For once, it sounds like a PR person knew what they were getting into.

    Also, I really want a time-share pony. I want all the care and maintenance of said pony to occur on someone else’s time, though, because I don’t shovel pony shit.

    Heather recently posted Blog note.

  83. I also noticed that the Chupacabra foot notes that it will last, “if cared for properly.” I suspect that the foot requires daily pony rides. I think Sarah owes you a pony now, at the very least a time share in a pony.

  84. BTW – I’m in the Pacific time zone, so your blog just sucked away two hours of my life (my post was made at 12:19 pm and it is only 10:19 a.m.), so I probably need a pony now, too. Oh, wait. Maybe you just GAVE me an extra two hours. I’m confused.

  85. Frankly I’m stunned that you don’t already *have* a chupacabra foot.

    Christine recently posted This Should Be Interesting.

  86. JENNNNNNYYYYYYYYY….. You look like the artist for that creepy site with the foot.

    Wow, you must have a universal face that is the baseline for all of us.

    Basically you are what EVE looked like.

    But, I am atheist so I am just pulling your leg. Wait, I mean foot.

    http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/Site/INTRODUCTION.html

    Ericka recently posted Ur not going to need Mom&8217s credit card Soon just use Ur iPhone or iPad.

  87. I want a timeshare pony. And a chupacabra foot.

    Juli recently posted Fun Monday 01-31-11.

  88. Do freelance Ninjas give blow jobs? Seriously Hooker Ninja’s…it would be like..you don’t even know they are there.

  89. Dude, DON’T BUY THE HAND. I totally read the short story in high school and it totally ended badly for everyone. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Monkey%27s_Paw) Or maybe, buy the hand as a gift for someone you really hate? Ok, fine, creepy magical cursed wishes hand it is.

  90. I hate to be the one to break the news, but someone needs to do some serious educating on proper camel/human trade values.

    Someone once offered 500 camels for my hand in marriage. The best part was that when I refused his offer, he turned to my friend and offered her 400 camels. Quite the confidence boost. Also, quite the friendship killer.

  91. Don’t ask me why I thought of this while getting ready for work this morning…have you ever seen the movie Teeth?

  92. OMG! Now I know how my hubby can bring home some extra money: zombie-defense consultant! He’d be so perfect for that! I must tell him now.

    Also? Sarah is awesome, both in her emails and the comment she posted. I’m with the person who said it’s great that you finally got approached by someone who gets you.

    caramama recently posted Question of the Week - Car Games.

  93. Time share ponies! Awesome! I want to rent one. can I be the first customer??

    Amanda recently posted Can I Be Sad About This.

  94. I would love a time share pony. It seems like they really went along with your crazy-ness, so they earned it. :)

    Dangerboy recently posted The Lighter Side of the Story- aka Oversharing with Dangerboy.

  95. I absolutely love how willing people are to hang in there… hahaha I’m going to have to start being more creative with my e-mail responses………

    Kelly recently posted Brainstorming.

  96. I’m in one the time share ponies, but mine MUST be rainbow colored w/ purple eyes and glitter hearts on its butt. Like my favorite My Little Pony. But real. And I only want her in the mornings, cuz how cool would *that* look as I ride to work?

    Steph recently posted Who Doesnt Love a Math Lesson from a Toothless Man at a Gas Pump.

  97. Ms. The Bloggess,
    Your kookiness never fails to amuse me. I think you are the best consultant ever for any company looking to expand into… what shall we call it… fringe market niches? At any rate, I am now giggling, as is usually the case when I read your stuff.
    If I keep getting so much entertainment from you, I’m afraid I will have a moral obligation to pay you (much the same way a transaction with a prostitute works, except I don’t think we’ve ever had sex. With each other, I mean. I’m sure we’ve both had sex.) Let me know when more chupacabra parts are offered for sale, because I have to get out from under this debt!

  98. Does Sarah still have the number to the camel guy? Perhaps he’d like to make an offer on my mother-in-law?

    Tonya recently posted I’m Making It To ‘Real Housewife’ In 4 Easy Steps.

  99. I am worth at least one and half camels. I’ll venture to say that I could bring in the top half, with the humps. But camel teeth are also on that half and tend to be quite freaky so I might have to rethink. I wonder how many wolverines I could get for half a camel. Ponies are overrated, in my opinion. Except those really tiny ones that look like clunky dogs.

    Food for thought.

    Jacquie recently posted disco dislike.

  100. OK. So there used to be someone who posted really obscure replies on your posts. I don’t remember who it was, but they never had anything to do with anything. I miss that. Can someone call him? Or point out who it was? Because I crave answers.

  101. Ah. That was Furiousball. His last comment was a few weeks ago: “That’s just like my new years resolution, except mine has more jazz hands, caramel corn, and Tom Berenger’s butt crack.”

    He hasn’t commented lately because he’s probably in jail.

  102. I miss him.

    I’ll donate my pocket change to his bail. When you get him out, will you ask him to explain to me why it’s supposed to snow…in Houston…again…for the third year in a row…despite being promised when I moved here that it “never snows”? Awesome, thanks.

  103. $5 Booze may not be as good as time-share ponies, but in the interest of sweet combo deals, how about $5 booze AND ponies? Is there such thing as a DUI for ponies? I guess that’d be a RUI, riding under the influence. We should investigate the laws regarding drinking and saddling up. But REGARDLESS, it’s a great deal for those with PONY PHOBIA because the booze helps calm their nerves and actually probably acts as a natural sleep aid, so before you know you’re not scared of ponies AND you’re snuggled up taking a nap with one.

    Ye Gods, Juice in the City should consult ME next.

  104. That is some funny shit…

  105. So, you’re saying you only got paid $75 for your awesome advice???!! I’d sue.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Updates coming out the yazoo and every other orifice you might or might not have.

  106. I love the idea of a time share pony. I wish I would have thought of that! Dang it!

    The Restaurant Manager recently posted Bit-O-Karma.

  107. I’m not a mom, but I could totally use some mice wearing small top hats. Mainly because I just bought a snake, and sometimes she seems bored, and I’m thinking a mouse in a top hat would entertain the hell out of her. Right before she bit it and strangled it and swallowed it whole and then pooped out its little bones.

    Actually, you know what? Never mind. I’m good.

    Evn recently posted Havent you always wanted a monkey.

  108. Discount booze? Sign me up. Then I will be keeping my eyes open for other deals such as half-off House Elves and Husband Brainwashing Lessons. Keep up the good work! And if the time share ponies thing falls through, there is always Goldfish Hypnosis.

    Beth recently posted Its a Baby Shower aka Im gonna be an Auntie again!.

  109. You should buy the monkey’s paw and use it to wish for a whole chupacabra. Then you would have both! And then maybe also wish for ponies that don’t get tired…or more monkey paws!

    Emily recently posted Dinosaur.

  110. It might be unwise to encourage mental patients to sleep with your pony.

    alonewithcats recently posted Logically speaking- I thought for sure I’d be Elton John’s emergency womb.

  111. Someone once offered to my trade 4 goats for me. I said that was WAY too small of a price. I’m a 5 goat girl, at least.

    SuzRocks recently posted Buy Her Bag- Not Her Body.

  112. I think you’d make a good personal media consultant because I’m pretty sure you could talk a one camel trade up to two camels AND the packs they’re carrying. You have a gift, my friend. A gift.

    Suniverse recently posted In Memoriam Sophie Kinsellas Books.

  113. “Will remain preserved indefinitely if cared for properly” I need to know what the care instructions on a chupacabra foot are!

  114. @Stephanie from Ontario — I don’t think Taco Bell carries the Chalupacabra any more. However, given the recent kerfuffle over “beef,” maybe they’ll be bringing it back, as a distraction. I mean, someone’s got to be making something with the rest of the body, right? Or that site would have whole preserved Chupacabras? (Chupacabrae?)

  115. This inspired me to look at my resume and I just realized I have a lot more living to do.

    anna @ the hookup column recently posted The Only Words You Can Believe In.

  116. This has little to no connection to today’s post… but I had to tell you.

    Today on Nat Geo Wild, they had a show about Zombie Alligators. Knowing you, you are probably well aware of this phenomenon. Still, if I had your number, I would have called you immediately to let you know that, once again, Florida’s about to fuck everything up for the rest of us by letting their ‘gators start the Zombie Apocalypse.

    Deana recently posted If You Chuckle About this Post- Youre a Nerd Welcome.

  117. Since my actual horse is on long term stall rest, sign me up for that timeshare pony please.

    Mrs. Tuna recently posted What’s Your Sign my Little Zodiac Killer.

  118. Chupacabra candelabra.

    Think about it…

  119. Chupacabra stew- it is a delicacy that you can’t miss trying.

  120. Victor is mean. Chupcabra feet would be awesome! I could display them with my poison bottles.

    As for hands with wishes….ehhhhhh, I’ve read too many stories about those wishes not working out the way you want. Like, you would wish for a million dollars and it would be Australian dollars and you live in the US or something.

  121. I can’t get past the kitten paw earrings. They are disturbing me in a “Wow, we can’t WAIT to show up in your nightmares!” kind of way.

  122. I don’t know if anyone has pointed this out yet, but what is the difference between time share ponies and rented goats? The apple doesn’t fall far from the crazy house… just sayin.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Here- try a Cajun cookie.

  123. If everyone on the planet had a pony, or even access to a time share pony, I’m pretty confident that we would finally have World Peace.

    Johi recently posted The Happiest Horse on the Planet.

  124. 1. Your house must be an awesome curio museum.
    2. You must leave PR/marketers either really excited or incredibly confused.
    3. Your creativy will either land you in the loony bin or in a millionaire’s mansion.

  125. Thanks to you, Jenny, I now have the massive desire to buy a unicorn goat for my French class. Finally, a pet we CAN’T ACCIDENTALLY MURDER!

  126. For some reason this always makes me think of you. http://www.zombiepinups.com/monique/… I don’t know if this is a good thing

  127. Damn straight you should have gotten paid all your suggestions where great. All things I would pay for! They are crazy to pass. Today has been a very crappy day for me and this post brought a bit of happy into it.

  128. I would totally buy shares of pony

  129. Jenny, I’m so disappointed that you missed out on the opportunity to spread the awesomeness of rented goats! That would have been the perfect idea for “Juice in the City.” Recall how many of us said we’d rent goats if there were any available in our neighborhood. JitC needs to get with the program.
    Also, unfortunately, I think that chupacabra foot is phony; it looks nothing like the last chupacabra that I saw. Don’t do it.

  130. Haha I love how you are always messing with people via email. Like a vaginestone cowgirl! (spoof off the song, Rhinestone Cowboy.) Sorry if clarifying jokes is annoying… Sometimes I just don’t know if anyone gets them due to their level of corny bunghole-ness.

    Rico Swaff recently posted The Man With a Booger in His Ear.

  131. I think YOU’VE been seriously undervalued in this deal Jenny*. Screw the chupacabra foot**, do you know there’s a coyote eating Hermione (from Harry Potter) on that site?! I think you deserve to be paid in ‘Hermione eating Coyote’s’ – we all know you deserve it.

    Hermione >>> http://www.customcreaturetaxidermy.com/Site/TRADITIONAL.html#8

    *I always feel like Forrest Gump when I say your name…. Jiiiinnnnnny. I wonder if anyone else does this?!
    **I wouldn’t advise ACTUALLY screwing the chupacabra foot. There would be all kinds of maggot and fur issues up in there, and nobody wants that.

  132. Time share ponies. Fuckin’ brilliant!

    Wait. *sniff sniff* Yup. I think I smell the next great postcard idea. Awesome. :0)

    That or my sniffer is off, I do have a cold. Could be pony poop.

    Ok, I just grossed myself out. ;0p

    Tracey recently posted I Was A Chicken.

  133. So, when you send in your tax returns, do you pay the IRS in Chupacabra feet, too?

    BTW, Juice in the City: brilliant marketing move. I never would have checked your site out, but I had to find out who would hire TheBloggess to handle their web marketing. As I said… pure brilliance.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW- The Cost of Progress.

  134. “…explain to me why it’s supposed to snow…in Houston…again…for the third year in a row…despite being promised when I moved here that it ‘never snows’?”

    Global. Warming.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Local Talent Does Good.

  135. Is there a reason my comments won’t appear?! Did you throw me in spam… I’m not spam. I don’t even like spam.

  136. I’ll have your Spam, I love it! I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans,
    spam, spam, spam, and spam!

  137. I’m so grateful for this morning’s blog reading because I now know I will drink MORE when I have kids and all this time I was thinking I’d drink LESS. Thank you, blog roll…

    Angi recently posted New channel on OutTV!.

  138. I’m kinda curious to see said resume.
    Maybe you should post it.
    Bet it’s the most eccentric resume ever!

    Steph recently posted Who Doesnt Love a Math Lesson from a Toothless Man at a Gas Pump.

  139. Does the magic mummified miniature mystery hand come with a free Frogurt? If so, I’m in.

    I can’t believe I’m the first person to ask that question.

    Also, I’d have to imagine the camel exchange rate is down due to current political strife in Egypt. So now is not the time to exchange ANYTHING for a camel.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted I Cant Talk Now- Im Awaiting The Four Horsemen And Their Eight Tiny Reindeer Or Something Like That.

  140. Seriously a severed hand and wishes would make the bestest birthday present EVER!!! Also, you should never take a camel as payment for anything…the fart and spit way too much for it to be worth it! Maybe she can sell some trolls or fairies. I’ve got two who are looking for new work prospects…here’s their blog (http://bjornandmick.wordpress.com/)

    Jenn recently posted WTF Begins With Ice and Phil.

  141. I heard vacations to Egypt are really reasonably priced right now. I’m thinking you could pick up mummies super cheap if you buy them direct from the source (like right outside the pyramids). It always helps when you cut out the middleman. But stay away from the camels though. They’re designed to retain water, which means they are walking around with permanent PMS. Poor bastards, no wonder they’re grumpy.

    Claire Gutschow recently posted I think I can defeat the Grim Reaper with a jar of Vicks kinda.

  142. This is why I want to go do something awesome (perform a full-head transplant, solve world hunger, develop the real Star Trek transporter, etc.) so that I can become incredibly famous. Then whenever I talk to ‘my people’ (media reps, agents, managers, lawyers, accountants) I can yell into the phone ‘I don’t CARE what she wants to do, say or be paid in. Get me The Bloggess NOW!!!!’ Then I get to slam the phone down.

  143. Does the hand *do* the wishes or is the mummified genie one of those small-print add-ons?

    I just want to know what – exactly – I’m buying, here.

    Also: if you buy it on your birthday, is that a loophole where you get four wishes instead of three? I’m just trying to look out for us little people, here.

    Jessica recently posted the sockless homeless man and the hooker true story.

  144. Okay, I am WAY too mid-western — vajazzling? They DO that? And to think I cry every time I wax my lip.

  145. Off topic, but I am short on time and wanted to post for you to see this.

    I laughed a LOT!

  146. i will never understand why anyone would want to draw attention to their vagina. no amount of sparkle is even gonna spruce up that area.

    Simone recently posted Shut your face - literally.

  147. That time share ponies thing is genius. You could use it for parrots too…or monkeys. Except you can’t ride those.

  148. Five dollar booze and a mummified hand!! Sign me up!!!!

    Holly B recently posted Blind Phil - My Springtime Bitch.

  149. That wish certificate is totally a fake. The real ones come on old paper, duh.

  150. That monkey paw is an excellent deal because it comes in an ornate wooden case. Once you waste your third wish on wishing that the monkey paw had never come into your possession (which is the proper wish since it undoes all the crap you brought upon yourself with the previous two wishes, unlike that crazy dad in the short story who basically just killed his son all over again), you may still be in possession of the box, which can then be used to store all manner of useful things. $55? It’s a steal!

  151. Yeah, yeah, yeah, time-share ponies are cool and all, but I want to go back to by-the-hour ninjas. Now that’s some shit I can get behind because, let’s face it, it’s rare that I have need of an all day ninja. Not to mention there is so much you could have them do beyond simple ninja-ing. Asses all kicked? Enemies vanquished with 15 minutes left on the clock? Put those wax-on, wax-off skills to use cleaning the windows. It just gets better the more I think about it . . .

    Daniel Roach recently posted The Right Way And The Wrong Way To Use Content Marketing The Graphic Examples Edition.

  152. Jenny, I’m not sure I would buy from that company. Obviously not a Squirrel, and everyone knows that Chuppas don’t have 5 toes. I think it’s actually the foot from Star Wars bounty hunter Bossk…http://www.mercadolibre.com.mx/jm/img?s=MLM&f=52497952_7240.jpg&v=E

  153. My mom once threatened to trade me for a chance to go backstage to see Steven Tyler at an Aerosmith concert, which isn’t like being traded for a camel, but is very much like being traded for a mummy. Or an old lady. That dude just looks weird.

    HeathRobots recently posted A Geisha Walks Into an ICU.

  154. “Created from a real animal foot.”

    So it isn’t a Chupacabra–it’s a fake!

    I’m pretty certain there is a Chupacabra that hangs out in my back yard some times, because the dog’s hackles get up and she freaks out but we can never see anything out there. So it must be something imaginary, and what is more imaginary than a Chupacabra?

    Which reminds me of the knock know joke my 5 year old made up

    Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    Meow
    Meow who?
    I can’t tell a joke–I’m a kitty!

    So I told him I didn’t get it
    He said Mama it’s a REAL kitty so it can’t talk.
    So how did it tell me it couldn’t tell the joke?
    Just use your imagination mama, don’t you get it?

    Apparently I do.

    kettletop recently posted Which is Better.

  155. Have you seen the show Oddities on the Science Channel? You would love it. And I am so sorry for clicking on the link you posted. On the other hand, my husband will have quite a choice of things to buy me for birthdays and anniversaries.

    Samantha recently posted Another reason to stay in pyjamas.

  156. [...] Feng Shui She (like a California Roll, but different); I bet she’d like that better than a timeshare pony. One day last year, I rearranged my corner office with a beautiful view of the skyline cubicle and [...]

  157. Did you realize the website has a link that says, “Formative Years”? Yeah, I clicked it. I don’t know what I was expecting, but a gold-leafed rotting squirrel corpse was not initially at the top of my list. Oh, how my lists have changed!

  158. This television show was totally created with you in mind: http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/oddities/
    They have shit even stranger than a chupacabra foot. Some of their customers are nightmare inducing also.

  159. speaking from experience, i’d have to say she was severely undervalued. When i was in Nairobi, I was almost sold for 20 camels. Of course, I don’t really know the camel currency conversion rates between Istanbul and Kenya. And my value could be higher because I apparently look like a Somalian woman. a very large, strong, somalian. wait…where was I going with this comment? shit, i forgot. Now, where do I put in my order for a time share pony?

    biddy recently posted more virtual shopping.

  160. To this day I will never, ever understand the appeal of vajazzling. And whenever I see Jennifer Love Hewitt I will always wonder if she currently is sans vajazzles or not. Blech.

    Julia @ Boredom Abounds recently posted SAG Awards 2011 - Fashion Round Up.

  161. 162
    Football Mom

    I’m not sure who is more mental, you for coming up with all this stuff or me for reading it for entertainment and enjoying it….Why do you need the Chupacabra Foot anyway?

  162. I saw a thing on the internet (so you know it’s true) that aid chupacapras are just hairless raccoons. Like those Chinese Crested dogs and the Egyptian cats, I guess. Except they are raccoons. I saw a couple of pictures, too (again, it’s the internet,so you know it’s real). It sure looked like a big hairless raccoon. Which is actually kind of gross looking. Nothing like James Garfield.

  163. I didn’t see this the day you wrote it because I was in Texas, trying to avoid the snow in Denver. Except it snowed like a bitch while I was there, so nice going, Dallas.

    Anyway, I’m hoping you can clear something up for me. Do chupacabras use their feet like hands?

    I can’t tell if the toe on the left is like a thumb, if it was a hand, or if it is like a pinky toe (as in foot). Because, supposedly, if your ring finger is longer than your index finger, then you’re oversexed or something, and if that’s true, and the toe on the left is a pinky toe, then no problem. But, if it’s like a thumb, then that means all chupacabras are probably totally oversexed, and that worries me more than just being attacked by a chupacabra, because it would take on a whole new meaning, if you know what I mean.

    Barbara recently posted Sayonara- Sheridan.

  164. They don’t have camels in Istanbul. She was had.

    sandrine recently posted I hope this isnt too tasteless.

  165. I would totally buy a Victorian Vampire huntng kit and if taxidermied mice in tuxedo’s weren’t so expensive, I would have a whole army of them now.

    Graygrrrl recently posted He Loves Me- He Loves Me Not.

  166. [...] accidents in your personal life bring in readers almost as much as the penchant for writing about taxidermied vermin. Kind of like that magical cornfield brought all those frigging ghosts out of thin air. If you write [...]

  167. Wow you get a lot of comments! (State the obvious award goes to…)

    I just wanted to thank you for being you. Its taken me the best part of a week but i have read every post you ever put on here. You have made me laugh and laugh like an idiot/mental patient and helped me to forget the shit that finds me stuck here in my bed.

    Also, id totally buy the Zombie defense consultation except i bet you dont ship to the UK, well thanks for that now my family is the walking undead and hygiene-challenged and it could all have been avoided if you would have just shipped abroad.

    My pelvis is trying to kill me. recently posted Hello.

  168. Juice had pony rides for Dallas (Denton county) today…just wanted to let you know…you should call that one in.

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  1. 63 Days « Three Ring Mom February 6, 2011

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