Nice try, thesaurus.

I use an online thesaurus all the time because there’s only so many ways to say “nipples”, but sometimes I suspect that the thesaurus people are just fucking with me:

And yes, I realize that I spelled "hemorrhaging" wrong but I don't think I misspelled it quite so badly that the average person would say "Oh. I bet she meant 'marijuana'". Also, why is "hurricane" there? WTF, Thesaurus?
And on a totally unrelated note, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up and I apologize for it being a bit late but I was marijuana.  (I stand corrected, Thesarus.  That totally works here.)
The this-is-what-I-would-look-like-if-I-was-in-the-Wall-Street-Journal Edition.

What you missed on Ill-advised:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (Which I still need to name. I’m leaning toward: “SAVING THE ORPHANS“.  That way when your spouse asks what that charge is on your card you can honestly say it’s for “Saving the Orphans”.    But don’t use air quotes when you say “Saving the orphans” or else the jig is up.  Or I could call it “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill would be more interesting.  I haven’t really decided yet.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Checkpoints, “the app that pays you back”.  Except that I’m not sure how it pays you back since it’s free.  Basically, you check in on your phone when you’re shopping and you win stuff.  It’s like Foursquare, except no one gets to be mayor.  (PS. If you add the code ‘the bloggess’ you get a total of 300 points just for signing up.  Yeehaw.)

100 thoughts on “Nice try, thesaurus.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You need to add a disclaimer to the top of your posts that says, “WARNING: DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING _________” unless you want to snort coffee/Diet Coke/etc. all over your laptop.

    Dang it.

  2. I clearly need to start using the online Thesaurus more. I had no idea that it was that entertaining

  3. I use the online thesaurus at work a lot, as part of my job is generating a shit-load of synonyms in short order, and am frequently alarmed at the suggestions I am given, but I don’t think I’ve gotten one quite this funny.
    That made me laugh so hard it woke my roommate.

  4. Best worst spell check ever! I had the crown when ‘client’ became ‘cretin’ and yes I sent that to a client. Oops. Who I am sure did not buy my spell check story. Yours may top that.

    Off to read your other columns…

  5. Checkpoints is about to get a cease and desist letter from Discover Card. Or the Discovery Channel. I get those two mixed up. Damn monthly marijuana.

  6. Love them all! I had to share your panda suit post with a friend who is pregnant and wants a pet panda. She’s in love with you now, which kind of turns her hubby on.

  7. I figure it’s a conspiracy by the anti-drug people to make marijuana look bad.

    Either that, or it’s a conspiracy by the pro-bleeding people to make hemorrhaging look good.

  8. Clearly, I never told you about the time I smoked some apparently genetically enhanced marijuana at Woodstock ’94 and felt like my soul hemhorraging hemmorhaging hemmhoraging (FUCK, how do you spell that word??) fucking HEMORRHAGING? Yeah, that ended my brief weed career.

  9. “I’d rather be watching zombie movies” totally me.
    Plus the house is a fucking mess one.
    And the my child is a biter one.
    These are awesome.

  10. So I just checked out the business cards and am totally shocked that there are still some in stock. I bet they are having to work overtime to keep them on the shelves! I’m sure the printers are thanking you for the laughs as they go about their mundane days printing boring business cards. In fact I bet they siphon off some of the ones they print for you to hand out to others themselves. You know…those business card printing people probably don’t make much money so they have to steal in order to survive.

  11. So, apparently, the strikethrough tag doesn’t work in Jenny’s comments. You see, all those “hemorrhaging” misspellings (which, sadly, were real) in comment #9 were supposed to have a line through them. Because that would have made the comment hysterical. Also, remembering to place the word “was” after “soul” would have been helpful. Also, not feeling compelled to write a follow-up comment to clarify my previous comment would probably be a good thing.

    I should stop leaving comments. It only ends up hurting us all.

  12. Alternate store name ideas for you because I’m cooking pancakes and they take forever to brown:

    The James Garfield Foundation (doesn’t that sound nice and fancy?)
    I Totally Needed This (may as well get that question out of the way right off the bat!)
    See Above (what better way to boggle someone’s mind while reading a bill? “See above? But the listing above is for a different day. At a different price. Why does this tell me to see above? What is wrong with my credit card company? THIS MAKES NO SENSE.”)
    Zombie Unicorn Death Match (because it sounds like a Pay-Per-View special I would actually watch…though without punctuation it looks like the unicorns have BECOME zombies…there’s an idea………okay, I’m back)
    Furiously Happy (because who wouldn’t be?)

    My dog is staring at me oddly. Either he has to go to the bathroom or he is judging me; either way, the cure is to take him outside.

  13. I need to go back to third grade reading class. I could have sworn you said you were leaning to “Saving the Oprahs” and I thought, “What the hell does Oprah have to do with anything, and besides, doesn’t she have enough on her plate with her Farewell Season, and her new network, and road trips, and Australia getaways? Why does everything always have to be about Oprah? Can’t something just be about someone else for a change?” But on a side note, I really dig the “Eight Pounds of Uncut Cocaine” thing; that’s always a conversation starter or the first step toward divorce court… either way.

  14. More naming fun:

    Free Charles Manson Society
    Sugar-free Rodents for Pet Snakes
    Totally Not Porn, Really, It Isn’t! Don’t Judge Me!

  15. Let me try:
    I was marijuana so I went to the doctor. He asked, “when did you start marijuana?” and I said, “at the party.”
    Totally works.

  16. Did I do my math right? A 16 year old wrote that blog post? Because I thought I was reading an adult. What a beautifully written post. I am so impressed and proud that a *teenager* wrote it. If it weren’t for the recent injecting of bath salts to get high, my faith in our children would almost be restored.

  17. Hemo-ragging sounds like some kind of trendy new age hemorrhoid prevention technique. (“What do you mean you’ve never tried hemo-ragging?? Gwynnie absolutely swears by it. Colon irrigation is sooo last millenium. Do keep up.”)

  18. Honestly, I think you need to change the tag line on your shop. I don’t think ANY of those mommy-cards are going to get me laid.

  19. And don’t worry DaddyScratches…those two posts combined have made me swear off weed for life. I also may save them to show my children.

    Don’t do drugs, m’kay!!!

  20. I had no idea you were such an entrepreneur. Now I know where I’ll be getting my stocking stuffers next year. And Comment Luv is still fucked up where I’m concerned. I do not know WTF is up with that.

  21. You think that’s bad? I woke up this morning and was Crack Cocaine everywhere. Then I started benzodiapan.

    (Okay, no kidding. That was my attempt to spell benzodiazepine. Spell checked it with Firefox?

    Diaphanous. Obviously.)

  22. Hemoragging is the perfect word for an extra-heavy period. “Dude, my cramps are so bad and I am totally hemoragging.”

  23. Love the “I’m sorry my child bit you/ your child/ you dog” business card. I needed those about 10 months ago.

  24. I Googled “virgins” to see if Google would offer interesting phrases. (It didn’t.) gives me “greenhorn” when I search virgins.

    Google keeps trying to point me to Virgin Airlines. I think it’s rigged. I’m quite sure VA is paying for that added service.

  25. How about: If You Ask Me About This Charge The Sex Is Kaput

    OR: Don’t Be Mad!

    When I have to itemize my credit card bill those are the two things that get said the most, so…

  26. I have the dictionary/ app on my iPhone and I use it all the time for amusement. Because I think its not actually a real tool since you know it does things like suggest marijuana instead of bleeding like a stuck pig. Although I think marijuana closely resembles hemp or something so maybe that’s what it thought you were trying to say and since it knows you’re a little wonky at times it was giving you what you really need…. HINT HINT.

    Anyway, I’m going to need at least a box of all the mommy business cards because I’m pregnant and pretty sure that those cards are exactly the type of thing that will keep me from having to face awkward formalities.

  27. Wow. I was going to write something pertaining to all of the hilariousness you posted first but then I got to the last link. And after reading that, and the article linked from that, I haven’t got any funny left. I’ve got to go hug everyone I know.

  28. Well, that WAS surprising! Maybe they mean Hurricane the alcoholic drink. I think the thesaurus is trying to lead you down a bad path subliminally.
    You can resist the dark side.

  29. Now why did you have to me make me cry on a lovely, rainy Sunday?

    Damn you! (Shaking freckled fist in the air.)

    And I’m glad you are feeling better.

  30. I so need to use that thesaurus when I write work reports!! I can only imagine how much more entertaining they’ll be!!! Awesome!

  31. Personally? I think should *always* have marijuana as an option to any work one looks up. I also think they should sell it. Only for medical purposes though, of course. . .

  32. I am really tired because Thing 2 is an evil teething monster. I totally should be napping right now, but I am so happy that I committed to staying awake so that I could read your post today. Specifically the one from ill-advised. I laughed so hard that I had tears streaming down my face. Prepare for a shit ton of new readers because I shared with my facebook friends (and I am, like, super fucking popular on facebook- because apparently EVERYONE who EVER attended my high school friended me. Even if they weren’t there in the same decade that I was?? IDK)
    Thanks for making my Sunday, where I am alone (again) with my children, the laundry and my steam mop, a little happier.

  33. Ok, did you already write the save the orphans/uncut cocaine thing earlier? Because if not, I am now psychic and I dreamt this post. But only that part of it.

    Also, did anyone else think “uncircumcised cocaine” when they saw “uncut”?

  34. I just got an e-mail from my credit card company about my yearly spending habits… well I won’t tell you what it says about ME but I will tell you that it would be much more awesome if I had a category that said “drugs and other illegal shit” because I have a feeling a good chunk of my spending habits would fall into that category except I don’t technically do drugs… but I think the credit card company thinks I do!

  35. I wish I would have had your mommy business cards when the girl was younger. I just had to make do with the sassy potty mouth. Which was surprisingly effective.

  36. “oh my” she says looking at the sexis column with that boob picture on it…if they ever make another Alien movie, you could totally get the part of the sexy alien taking over the world. (not sure what made me think of this, but that’s what I thought of when I saw that page…LOL).

  37. I was once working on a brochure for a cartographer.

    So the word “mapmaking” came up a few times.

    The spellchecker didn’t like mapmaking and suggested that what I *meant* to type was “napalming.”

    Yeah, cause that’s mistake I make ALL the time.

  38. I just realized I didn’t know how to spell “hemorrhaging”. I guess I never needed to spell it before. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because from now on I’ll be using “marijuana” anyway.

  39. 217 votes in politics, 24 votes in humor, and 23 votes in government. Have I been misunderstanding this blog all along?

  40. I’m not technically a stalker, or anything, but you commented on my blog, which means you read something of mine, which made me gasp, then laugh with glee, then pee my pants just a little.
    You’re totally famous in my book. I’m gonna screen shot your comment and save it.
    At this time, I feel I need to repeat my previous statement that I am not, in fact, a stalker.
    Just a nerdy, over the top fan. With wet pants.

  41. Number nine on the sex advice is totally true — sad but true. Also, your parenthetical “this one’s for the ladies” drew me in instantly (I am not a woman). Did you reverse-psychology my ass?

  42. I think it was Queen Victoria who advocated smoking marijuana when you were menstruating, so maybe is just channeling the dead. Does that make it a zombie thesaurus? Hope you’re feeling better.

  43. I had some minor internal marijuana in my anus. I put Preparation H on it, and it went away.

  44. I’m totally jealous! I use the online thesauras all the time and I’ve never gotten anything remotely as cool as the hemorrhaging/marijuana mix-up.

  45. I have always loved you. But, today it went over the top. You said “yeehaw”? Really. I am a cowgirl from way back. YEEHAW BIATCHES!

  46. I think the reason the word hemoraging (where’s my spellchecker now?) is because when you need to write the word you should actually be dialing 911! Sometimes I want to keep a notebook for the shit my Droid phone chooses to write for me!

  47. Haha on the voting, there are a bunch of serious/semi-serious thumbnails of people… makes you hair in rollers trademark pic stick out.

  48. I used the video on the internet in conversation at a reception tonight. Never again will I wonder if it is appropriate for me to read The Bloggess at work.

  49. Don’t feel bad, Gretchen the Great. I am so tired and was trying to catch up on the Bloggess posts I’ve missed that I was trying to speed read so I can go to bed. When I came to “This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:,” I could’ve swore it said “Prepare to feel like a goddamn computer PENIS.” And, I swear, I’m not hemoragging or marijuana-ing. I was like, “Whoa! Computer penis?! Go back and check that one out, Rita.”

    I think I just need to get some.

  50. Uh… yes, but what IS the internet? And I NEVER take my shoes off when I sleep in case the INTERNET comes to get me in the middle of the night. You could learn a thing or two, people. xxx

  51. I always confused Marijuana with hemoragging … could be why I’m writing a blog now and not those medical journals anymore … OH! and good news .. my spell check doesn’t know how to spell hemoraging either …. It wants me to use the word hemorrhagic. ???

  52. Conversely I totes think it would work the other way. Picture some 70s era drug pusher leaning up against a middle school going, “Hey baby,” *offers up spliff* “Wanna get your hemmorage on?” and then no kid would ever do drugs again – BUT THAT IS A TERRIBLE WAY TO TRY TO SEDUCE KIDS INTO DRUG USE.

  53. It’s never a good thing for me to leave your site open on my computer. My husband came in to print something this morning before work so I was awoken with the question, “Is hemoragging some weird sex fetish thing like auto erotic aphyxiwhatever?”

    Thanks for that, Jenny.

  54. A few months ago a “business” card appeared on the windshield of my neighbor who parks cockeyed (which always gives me horrifying but hilarious mental images, the word cockeyed, I mean) and makes it impossible for me to open my car door.

    All it said on it was:

    Nice parking, asshole.
    No, seriously.
    If I see you do this again, I’ll key your shit.

    One of his kids did it as a joke, because it was something they saw online. He thought I did it. Police were involved. It was a fun time. I love business cards.

  55. Your store should totally be called “Shit I did when I wasn’t here”.

    Fitting, right?

    Also? Online dictionaries and thesauruses/thesaurusi/thesuarie?? suck. When we play Scrabble and fight over which bullshit words are REALLY bullshit words, I still insist we use an old school hard copy book! I know, I’m old.

    At 30.

  56. Oh, God. I will now further neglect my housework, pets and the homeless by spending the next few hours catching up with all this good stuff. Thank God for the convenience of Cheese Wix and astronaut diapers.

  57. Jenny- I know the Mayan Calendar ending December 21, 2012 has been weighing heavily on your mind. I need you to know during a recent archeology dig ( see dogs in back yard). We found stone tablets containing Mayan Diblert and the answers are clear and quite sadly, sane. So cross that off your 7843 page list of shit to worry about mkay?

  58. Dear Jenny, please seriously for the love of All the Playground Suffering Mommies, offer those cards now! They will help WEED out THOSE moms quickly so I don’t have to waste my time on them only to find out later that they don’t find the idea of Zombies eating babies funny.

    And the Basta video… I was getting a bit upset at first since it seemed that the only person suffering was the security guard and I bet he had no say in how the company Mobistar is run. So glad when I found out that he had become an overnight sensation and a folk hero. I love it when justice is done.

  59. How is it that I have not known about all of those business cards until now? If you could make one that substitutes ‘dog’ for ‘child’ in the “I’m sorry my child bit your ______”, that’d be awesome. Then I could hand it to the guy who sued me after my dog may or may not have gone after his dog.

    (In my dogs defense, his dog DID look like a squirrel)

    I think he would think it was sweet, don’t you??

  60. Is no one questioning the need for multiple ways to say “hemmorrhaging” beyond the standard “bleeding”?

    I suppose considering the venue, no, there’s no real need to question it.

  61. Hello, Bloggess and Bloggess Community. How offensive is “douche canoe” likely to be to the general public? I live in an apartment complex with several buildings. Do you think I’ll start a riot if I leave this note on the front door of one of the buildings?
    “To the person who hurled a bag of trash over the wall of the garbage enclosure January 31 at 10 p.m. and then ran back to this building: Did you know you almost hit one of your neighbors with your flying bag of trash? Please yell “Fore!” next time. Also, please stop being such a douche canoe.”

    I don’t know where else to turn for advice on this sensitive subject.

  62. Argh. I wanted to comment on your post about Mommy business cards, but the sight makes me log in via facebook and I *technically* don’t have a facebook page. My facebook page is my husband’s facebook page and he gets all pissy and “what did you do now?” when I use his page, which is all the time. But he never even uses his page, which, hello, why did he create one in the first place? Well, I know why, but that’s really not important. What is important is that I’m all “girls night out!” “cute dress Sarah!” “He is so hot!” on the husband’s facebook page and he’s all “argh. I’m taking away your cupcakes if you do that again.”

    So what I was going to say, which is totally not even worth all this drama and build-up, is that I’m not even a mother, but I want mommy business cards. So much so that perhaps I will “borrow” my neighbor’s child and take them to a play date just so I can hand out your business cards.

    I think I’m the 89th comment and I’m just going to assume you don’t read past 88 cuz I’m regretting this already.

  63. You did a great thing directing so many people to Lori’s blog. It would seem that she is getting a lot of support and encouragement. Your coming out post has made a serious difference to many people. With the ‘xmas miracle’ and the ‘coming out’ post I cant help but think of all the lives you have had a hand in saving. You really do make a positive difference in our world. Thank you for living.

  64. Dear Bloggess,
    I wanted to let you know that I purchased the “Be nice, or I will stab you” mug and business cards. I regularly hand the business cards out to clients. I think that it makes me more relatable to them. You see – I am a criminal defense attorney, and some of my clients have actually stabbed people. As it turns out, “Hey, you like stabbing people, too!” is a good ice breaker.

  65. Is there a chance Zazzle (and you) would be willing to offer a grab-bag of business cards? I NEED at least 5 of the designs and can’t spare ~$100. Nor do I NEED 500 business cards. Maybe 20 or 25 of each of 4 or 5 designs? Or go nuts and do 10 each of 10 designs?? That would be FAN-FRICKING-TASTIC!!!

  66. I thesaurused ….thesaurused? thesauroogled? googauresed?…

    Whatever. I looked up testicles on one time and it asked me if I meant “tasteless.” I got really mad because I thought was judging me…and it turns out I was right, because I had actually mispelled testicles. Bad spelling is tasteless. Not testicles.

    Wait…that’s not what I mean.

  67. How the shiz are you not completely annihilating the Shorty Awards? Everyone who doesn’t have a twitter should go get one and vote for you…I did. (I already had a twitter, but I DID vote for you. So.)

  68. I’m not particular with Thesaurus, yes I’m not because I was once disappointed with it because of delivering a wrong information just like what happen to you.

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