What’s really sad is that about 80% of this email exchange actually happened.

Slightly paraphrased email thread between myself and a marketing company that is trying to destroy me:

Dear Blogger:  We have an exciting new breakthrough to tell you about in the field of something we’d realize that you are completely against if we bothered to even read your blog.  If you are interested in writing for free about our incredibly pointless product please submit this form telling us about your blog even though we’re the ones contacting you.  If you are approved we will send you high quality photos of something no one gives a shit about.  For every 3,000 people you convince to “like” us on facebook we will donate a nickel to the Stop Stabbing Orphans Charity, which we actually started ourselves as a tax write-off.  Help us help us by helping us.  If you’d like to unsubscribe to this email list which you probably never subscribed to in the first place then reply to us with the subject line of “unsubscribe” and with the reason why you hate orphans so much.  Sincerely, the same assholes that email you every damn day.

Dear automated-pitch:  This is the 18th time I’ve asked you to unsubscribe me.  If you don’t stop sending me emails I will begin stabbing orphans myself.  For the love of God, leave me alone.  Hugs, Jenny

Dear blogger:  This is an automated response confirming your request to unsubscribe from our mailing list.  To verify that you would no longer like to receive emails from us please reply to this email with “CONFIRMED UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject line.  Sincerely, those exact same assholes.

Dear assholes:  I think maybe you don’t understand what “unsubscribe” means.  Sending me an email confirming that I don’t want you to send me any more emails is (at best) kind of a dick move.  I hate you and your products.  Hugs, Jenny

Dear Blogger:  We have received your request and we are beginning the process of removing you from our mailing list.  In order to better serve our customers, please let us know why you no long wish to receive emails by using the attached survey which requires you to log into our system and verify that you requested removal.  You will be sent an email to verify that you are you before being allowed to fill out the survey.  If you did not request removal and believe this was done in error then do nothing and we will continue to offer our valuable service of mailing you distracting and pointless bullshit.  Your friends, the assholes

Dear assholes:  I’m ordering an orphan-stabbing knife in the shape of your logo.  Send me another email and I will mail you a satchel of angry typhoid-infested cobras.  ~Jenny

Dear blogger:  You have not responded to the survey we sent you one week ago.  If this email was sent to you in error, please ignore.

JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WHILE YOU SLEEP. STOP.  FUCKING. EMAILING ME.

Out-of-office message: I will be out of the office from Feb 3 – 14th.  If you need assistance please log on to our automated website.  You will be required to set up an account if you do not already have one.  Our entire goal in business is to make you never want to open your email box again.  Please fill out the attached survey letting us know how we’re doing.  Thanks.  We’re totally doing this on purpose now.

154 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I don’t think you paraphrased enough to adequately obscure their identity. I’m sure they’ll know who they are.

    Oh, except for that whole never reading your blog thing. So maybe they won’t notice.

    And do angry typhoid infested cobras come in satchels? I thought it was only bushels or pecks.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted Post-It Note Tuesday For the Desperately UnderAchieving.

  2. When this happens to me (and it does A LOT), I email this:

    “Who do I have to FUCK to get unsubscribed?”

    Works every time.

    Which should totally destroy my self esteem but somehow doesn’t.

    Annmarie recently posted Linda Anderson Fetish Necklace.

  3. This is sick. Lucky I never check my email.

    Mrs Mustache recently posted Why is that Human Leaking.

  4. You should give us their contact information and your zombie army can begin sending them asinine offers. But then they would have OUR email addresses and ohmyGOD they just won. These assholes really hate orphans.

    Mary recently posted For those considering children….

  5. Gah. Now I want to go find an orphan so I can stab him/her. That’s probably part of the Evil Marketers’ elaborate scheme. Fewer orphans = more donation money for their fake charity, right?

    Debora recently posted Tuesday Tales- A Tangled Web.

  6. Sounds like a great product!

    Jon recently posted Egypt Week – Genetic Conflict and Social Dominance.

  7. Dear blogger:
    This e-mail is an automatic response to confirm that you are *awesome*, even if you want to disembowel and/or stab orphans. The why’s and how-for’s are moot at this point.
    Your friend,
    Someone who reads your shit

    Chelsie recently posted Cabin Fever.

  8. Oh My God. That is cah-razy. However, if you are hiring yourself out to respond to other people’s emails, sign me up. I have no unicorns, though. Do you accept child slave labor as payment?

    Roxanne recently posted Bits n Pieces.

  9. timeshare ponies should totally stomp them in their assholes while wearing sequins and filming beer commercials.

    kirsten recently posted wtf wednesdays.

  10. ::staringatscreentothinkofsomethingwitty:: (5minutspasses)
    ::srugsindefeat::
    ::smilesbecasueJennyissoRad::

    jessica recently posted Fuck You- Jack Frost!.

  11. I’m an orphan, so you could stab me with your logo shaped orphan stabbing knife. If you did, though, you would create another orphan of my son. That’s an ingenious orphan creating scheme.

    psychicgeek recently posted Cats and Dogs.

  12. OMG I just peed a little

  13. I suggest that you set up an email rule that automatically reply to their automatic replies. That will screw with them.

    Either that or the two email programs will breed and take over the world and enslave humanity by making us read about crappy products no one wants and filling out pointless surveys until we all collectively lose the will to live.

    ..

    Holy crap, that sounds just like my job! They are already here people!

  14. Yeah, that’s kind of how emails at work go. I email Sally info with a question. They reply to ask Bob. I ask Bob. Bob needs info. I reply with info. Bob doesn’t know. Bob says to ask Ralph. I email Ralph. Ralph doesn’t know. He said to email Sally. Sally said she needs info. I send Sally info….

    At least mine are real people.

  15. Dear Jenny,

    I feel like its been a long time since I commented here…probably because its been a while since I commented here.

    I am always inspired by your patience with these tactless spambots. If it were me, I’d set up an email system that would automatically request that everyone in their company verify that they’d removed me from the mailing list…in triplicate, 3 time a day…for 3 days (just to be sure they got the mail).

    Just remember, in stabbing one of them, you’re saving someone much more worthwhile from the every-third-person rule.

    Stay strong!

    -Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted Imaging the worst- hoping for the best….

  16. That is the kind of evil that I some day wish to achieve. I mean really there is no way to beat that. I want to study them.

  17. We should totally make fake email addresses with a built-in phishing hack bug and start spamming their company with threats and zombies. That way they can spam the fake email that will spam them back by getting phishing mails into their systems and making them wish they were better asholes!

  18. In order to unsubscribe, please fill out the attached survey:
    On a scale of 1-10:
    How stabby are you feeling?
    How sick are the cobras?
    How many more emails will it take to get your head to spin around?
    By answering this survey you are indicating that you WANT to receive our deliciously spammy emails. YAY!

  19. I think it’s time to rally the troops. Thousands of random visitors to their site who set up accounts to log into their system with fake emails might be an interesting deterrent. What a fun way to learn about ethics in online marketing that would be!

  20. To be fair, you brought this on yourself. You sent mixed signals by addressing them “assholes” and signing “hugs.”

    Pablo recently posted Groundhog Handler Suspected of Coercion.

  21. Gonna build a time machine, after taking out Hitler, gonna arrange to be related to you, because of your awesomeness. We could shop together, wear Pajama Pants and mock people on our weekly outing. That’s my simple dream.

    *No one was stabbed during the making of this post, expect Hitler

  22. I just love marketers who do not bother to read your blog. It’s so much fun for me to get requests for baby shit when anyone who’s looked at my blog should know I have a nine-year-old and I hate babies.

    Kendahl recently posted Day 16 I have a penchant for giving people nicknames What does that mean.

  23. I know where you can get your hands on boatloads of orphans… if you need ‘em. Lemme know.

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted Cats cant break dance.

  24. oh. my. god. that is the most annoying exchange that i’ve ever read. trying to communicate with a computer by email? kill me now plz. sending mind empathy your way…

    emily illinois recently posted THE INFAMOUS- C &amp C Combo!!!.

  25. Dear fucking LORD, that is brutal.

    Can you use filters like in Gmail to get them to back the fuck off? Block them? That shit would probably put me over the edge.

    Then again, when the snow plow snowed my driveway in to knee height AGAIN today, that almost put me over the edge, so I guess I’m edgy like that.

    The drawbacks to being famous, eh, Jenny?

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Sometimes Blogging Is Bullshit.

  26. Are they winning? Is this a game? I say you start a fake company and do it back to them. Hmm, that would however mean that you would have to get an actual email address of theirs.

  27. It’s possible that these people are marketing geniuses and also own the orphan-stabbing knife company. So, please don’t stab any orphans. When bloggers start stabbing orphans, the spammers have won.

    Laura recently posted It’s Only a Game- Your Guide to the Super Bowl.

  28. I bought a gift subscription to a magazine for my father. After my father’s death, I got the regular renewal form, asking if I wanted to renew his subscription or enter my own. I ignored this for a bit, but then realized they might starting sending renewal forms to Dad’s home, thus becoming a nuisance to my mother, so I wrote “deceased” across the front of one of their renewal forms and mailed it back to them.

    They entered a subscription to the magazine for me. And sent me a bill.

    I’ve gone to their website and “canceled” the subscription I never ordered. I wrote to them and was told they’d take me off their list. Since then, I’ve received one invoice and two copies of the magazine.

    But it’s a bit ironic that a company that caters to people who, you know, read, hires invoice employees who, you know, –don’t.

    Some people just don’t recognize a good fat “NO!” when it smacks them in the face. There needs to be a fist behind it.

    Kathy In Georgia recently posted Horror.

  29. You are so funny. Love this post. Next time, email them back and say you have hired a detective to find them and when you do, you will hunt them down and make them eat every single email they send to you plus you will cram their survey where the sun don’t shine.

    connie t recently posted News.

  30. I think I would have responded to a threat of receiving a “satchel of angry typhoid-infested cobras”. But hey, that’s just me….
    Who wants to argue with a computer? How annoying of them….

    Snooglerat recently posted Dark &amp Sparkly.

  31. Time for the Bloggess Army to let loose some whoop-ass on this marketer – with you leading the way, they’re in for big dose of WTF.
    (I’m not sure where that came from…I think you’re all corrupting my innocence again. ;P)

    The Pear Lady recently posted Weekly 100 Words – Oh my- Christian Porn.

  32. I’m sure it’s the “Hugs, Jenny” part that keeps them coming back. As I type this, that spambot is busy rubbing its parsing routines together thinking, “Oh yes, she WANTS me!”

    kyknoord recently posted Your mission- should you choose to accept it….

  33. I’m afraid to unsubscribe to anything, because I’m pretty sure that everything’s just a ploy to get my credit card numbers. I’m not exactly sure how that would work, but I’m nearly positive that’s what’s going on.

    I currently have 1201 e-mails in my inbox due to my irrational fear of unsubscribing.

    Jessica recently posted Wearing tampons as shoes will not win you Oprahs love Not even close.

  34. Guaranteed, once they are back in the office, look over your survey and finish processing your “unsubscription”, you’ll recieve a survey asking how satisfied you were with their unsubscribing services.

    I filled that one out once. Got a free coffee maker. It came with a month coffee subscription though. I didn’t know I could subscribe to coffee, but apparently, you can. Unsubscribing to that one required me to phone in and verify all sorts of personal info to someone who spoke WAY too fast.

    Tracey recently posted I Was A Chicken.

  35. I also never unsubscribe to anything — I believe that “unsubscribe” options are really just tests to see whether or not you’re reading the e-mails in the first place.

    Instead, I just add the e-mail addresses to my spam filter.

    Also — what’s really sad? The entire e-mail exchange is completely believable. At no point did I say “no, really?”

  36. Dude.

    You articulate so accurately my feelings about every single piece of junk mail I receive.

    Stereo recently posted Fiction- From Afar.

  37. I hate how arrogant they are; “You sent us an email saying you wanted to unsubscribe, but then again, it might not have been you, because we know you probably don’t want to unsubscribe. So don’t worry about it. We’re not.”

    Stab them hard in the face… Oh, and save the orphans… And the smacked up kittehs.

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted Where is my mind.

  38. How the hell do we get “subscribed” to these emails in the first place? I don’t subscribe to ANYTHING. EVER. And yet, it seems like I spend a good portion of my day unsubscribing to shit.

    Way to get me riled up, Jenny. Cause everyone loves it when I start the morning off annoyed! ;-)

    Gigi recently posted If you think this title is boring just wait until you see the post.

  39. I think you need to start another blog (*/sarcasm because you have so much time*/sarcasm) called The Bloggess and The Brand devoted solely to these awesome interactions. You could even start to crowd source responses. It would be beautiful. I’m crying thinking about it already.

  40. zOMG I used to run an anti-spam/anti-scam website/blog, and even I couldn’t say it as eloquently as you just did!

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Top Chef- Week 8- the Tweet-cap.

  41. This is when you take their email address and subscribe them to their own site. If you don’t bring down their email servers in 2 hours or less, the first orphan-stabbing knife is free.

    moooooog35 recently posted We Dont Matchcom AT ALL.

  42. If you go to http://www.whois.net, you can find out who’s providing them internet access. I did this for feelingstabby.com (tried it on a whim — how awesome is it that it exists?), and the part you’d want to look for is:

    Domain servers in listed order:

    ns1.dreamhost.com
    ns2.dreamhost.com
    ns3.dreamhost.com

    That means dreamhost.com is the company that’s turning their address into the magic numbers the internet actually uses, so they’re most likely also the ISP for (in this case) feelingstabby.com. The constant email and inability to actually unsubscribe are almost certainly against their ISP’s terms of service.

  43. Ok, fine. I’ll stop subscribing you to their site.

    Marinka recently posted Knife.

  44. I was always under the impression that the “unsubscribe” thing is a trick those fuckers use to verify that they’ve found a real person’s email address. So now THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. But if you give their email address to the next Nigerian you hear from, they’ll be too busy to retaliate.

    hoodyhoo recently posted Who Needs Zombies.

  45. “a satchel of angry typhoid-infested cobras”

    Can I please get some high res photos of the cobras?

    Thank you.

    Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy recently posted Want to go to Miami with Me and P&G Awesome Trip & Cash Giveaway.

  46. And then? When you do go to the damn site and try and register, they have to give you some sort of automated password like “87cd;2rrrlm.+++7U” that you have to copy and paste from the ONE email that somehow doesn’t make it through your junk filter. Grumble.

    Elly Lou recently posted Suck It- Martha.

  47. This is kind of a passive-aggressive way for that company to obtain satchels of angry typhoid-infested cobras. If they wanted said cobras so badly, they should just ask up front. I’m sure anybody receiving the original email would be happy to send them some.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted I Cant Talk Now- Im Awaiting The Four Horsemen And Their Eight Tiny Reindeer Or Something Like That.

  48. Damn they’re persistent. And that’s the whole problem, which leads me to my tried & true method for ensuring you never fail in life. Don’t. Ever. Try.
    Quit before you start.
    If they knew that, there wouldn’t be an annoyed Bloggess w/ her mob of looney followers ready to stab orphans for you in our campaign to get them to stop.
    And we’ll all be wearing panda & squirrel suits. Riding time-share ponies (mine rainbow colored, don’t forget).

    Steph recently posted Who Doesnt Love a Math Lesson from a Toothless Man at a Gas Pump.

  49. Well, you per your advice you gave to me on my blog the other day, maybe you needed to say something about chupacabra feet.

    I think you are now on the list that says, “If you don’t email anybody else, email these people because you’ll at least have a good time reading their responses”.

    Just like my family used to be on the “If you don’t call anybody else, make sure you call these people” list when telemarketing was the way to try and sell stuff.

    Anyway, try mentioning the chupacabra feet to them.

    Carolyn recently posted Im Really Quite Bitter About the Whole Do Not Call List Thing Because its Ruining All My Fun.

  50. I’m a big, strong man. Please let me hurt these people for you.

    Fred Miller recently posted “It’s a Wonder You’re Not Still a Virgin”.

  51. Jenny, let’s go have some margaritas and hi-five ourselves over our clever use of satchels to disguise menacing venomous weapons. I, too loathe these folks.

    Rebecca recently posted Stash Organization!.

  52. Sharpen up the Kinsu Kitchen Knives……. those bastards are relentless and MUST be taught a lesson!!

    Holly B recently posted Hi Ho Hi Ho.

  53. Ah. It’s funny because it’s true, innit? Well, funny in the sense that their repeated emailing is likely to give you a hernia and/or cause the stabbing stuff….

    Or….Did you ever think that they are actually concealing their real service – to provide the blogs they email with material for posting topics?

    It’s a massive double double bluff…

    Katy recently posted Toilet Wisdom I – Glasgow University- 2-2-11.

  54. I love spam filters on gmail. Just mark it as spam and it goes to a special “asshole email box!”

    Shelli recently posted I’m not an economist….

  55. I really love the way you end an email promising to stab orphans with “hugs”.

    The ending is “hugs”…I don’t think you’re going to stab orphans with hugs. I don’t even know if that’s possible.

    In other news…it’s going to snow here today. Can I get signed up for that email deal you have going on? I think I’m going to need some entertainment soon. K’thx.

  56. –>I know of an ex-wife I’d like to anonymously subscribe to that email listserv….

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Wordless Wednesday - The Wrestler.

  57. Damn it, Jenny! You gave them this free advertising and I got brainwashed into “liking” them on facebook. I checked out their site, turns out they DO read your blog and they’re stealing the time-share ponies idea.

    My buddy the Nigerian Prince and I are totally going to put them out of business though…don’t ask how, but we’ve got our ways of bilking them.

    Awesome.

    Stephanie recently posted Would a Stephanie with any other name be as awesome.

  58. So far no one is terrorizing my inbox. But there is a preist that stands in my subway station shoutign at me to repent while simultaneously holding a sign that says give to charity.

    Sometimes I wonder how he KNOWS I’m doing bad things, cause so help me, he looks straight at me every time, shouting about the devil and I’m all “Can you SMELL the premarital sex on me??? HOW DO YOU KNOW???”

    This is nothing like being asked to fill out needless forms. And I can’t unsubscribe from scary fake subway priest.

    Lady B recently posted Because this week I learned boob jobs trump possible skin cancer Note the possible- not for sure CALM BLUE OCEAN GUYS- CALM!.

  59. I Can’t seem to find the Facebook page for Stop Stabbing Orphans.

  60. OMG, yes! All the mother-truckin’ time! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Yes, please, Fred. Hurt them. With Holly’s Kinsu Knives of Doom.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted My Mornings in a Nutshell.

  61. I have nothing to add to all the above comments. Just thought I’d tell you that. Oh, and you’re awesome.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Electrode hickeys.

  62. 64
    stephanie smirnov

    Laughing. Really shouldn’t read you while I’m driving.

  63. Be glad it’s just emails that you can make “junk”. My company still believes that every call should be answered by a person, so the assholes call me. Way more annoying.

    Melinda recently posted Blizzard - Seriously.

  64. Now that is pretty damn funny, just so sad that so many orphans had to be stabbed because of it.

    Sharon@LifeWithSharon recently posted It Snowed This Morning- It Doesn’t Snow Here Ever- Ever!.

  65. As a somewhat *new* blogger, maybe I will regret saying this someday, but I am looking forward to being so well-read and influential that I will be annoyed by the constant contact from companies wanting to give me stuff or have me do things to help them. It’s flattering!

    RealMommyChron recently posted Suburbs or the City.

  66. Crawling out from under the snowmaggeddon (how you spell?) to say that I have never stabbed an orphan. At least, never in my main personality…

    tracey recently posted Does this make me a bad mom.

  67. I hate that I happen upon your blog so late in the game because I want to comment–of course I do. I want to be a part of this club, my friends. But then, by the time I get to the end of the comments I truly believe that there is nothing left that is pithy or witty or charming to say because your readers, they intimidate me so.

    So, fuck pity, wit, and charm. I’m going with self-deprecation.

    Libby recently posted The Classiest Post Ever Written by LM Parker.

  68. The only truly upsetting thing about this post is that you never throw this asshole company under the bus. You have enough influence to have them flooded with angry emails, bad reviews, and/or promises to never use any of their products that we must know who continues to torture you.

    John B recently posted You cant pirate eye a baby.

  69. Yup. I just said “pity”.
    …it was a typo but was it, really?

    Libby recently posted The Classiest Post Ever Written by LM Parker.

  70. I nominate moooooog35′s (#43) for Comment of the Day, Jenny! In spite of the fact that many great ones came before his, and undoubtedly many great ones that follow (but I have to stop reading now, they DO expect me to get some work done here, after all).

  71. I was just thinking, if it wasn’t for bed bugs and germs and lice and second hand smoke and herpes and such, it’d be kinda fun to do a “bloggerhood of the traveling panda suit” series.
    We would ship it around, pose in it, and send it on, with pics going to you for posting.
    But alas, damn bed bugs and herpes and such.

    Steph recently posted Who Doesnt Love a Math Lesson from a Toothless Man at a Gas Pump.

  72. Wow! That would make me stabby as well! What effing idiots!

    Jayme (The Random Blogette) recently posted Bubblewrap Runway!.

  73. I’m still new enough that any attention is like balm to my soul. If I had gotten those I probably would have framed them. *sigh*

    tori aka ggs_closet recently posted DIY Your Way To The Dance Floor.

  74. Its like when you give them attention, even bad attention, they get all excited….masochists.

    Brandy recently posted Short and Sweet- Just a Reminder.

  75. I laughed so hard I snorted. I *might* have laughed harder if I hadn’t had a few similar exchanges. I much prefer the way you respond…. Maybe I will just send this link as a response….

    Danielle Smith recently posted Touchdowns for Kids – Why YOU need to watch the ProBowl.

  76. @Steph’s Travelling Panda suit idea:

    As long as people are bed-bug, lice and second hand smoke free we should be good. I would hope that people aren’t posing naked in the panda suit to pass around their STD’s. There’s always one asshole that ruins it for everyone though.

    Stephanie recently posted Would a Stephanie with any other name be as awesome.

  77. What you really should do, is give allthese marketer guys each others email adresses and tell them each other are interested in __________. that way, they’ll spend all their time pissing each other off.

    SuzRocks recently posted Buy Her Bag- Not Her Body.

  78. I never get to hurt anybody.

    Fred Miller recently posted “It’s a Wonder You’re Not Still a Virgin”.

  79. Lucky for me the only company that’s contacted me lately makes adult novelties. They’re supposed to be sending me some plug- in, computer driver gizmo from Sweden to test hop. I just hope I don’t wind up electrocuted in some type of bizarre yet intimate accident.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Who knew Beano could keep you out of jail.

  80. You should start responding with e-mails that are nothing more that pictures of giant dicks as the body of the e-mail. Either they’ll get the message that they are dicks or they’ll take you off the list just to stop getting penis pictures.

    Or they’ll start paying a monthly fee to get more. In which case, Merry Christmas to you.

    MonsteRawr recently posted Trust Me- This is Better Than Cupcakes.

  81. It’s like telling that tele-marketer waaaaaaay back when we used things called tele-phones to communicate with each other, that your house really was not being overrun by zombies and by talking about term-life insurance add-ons with her was crimping your style points while deheading zombies with a Ginsu knife.

    Sarcasm is lost on most people.

    Drizztdj recently posted Mister Mister.

  82. It’s Monday. Or it just feels like Monday after Snow Day at home with kids… when I read the email as masked by you, I thought that was the actual email from the marketing company, and got really excited, WOW. They really know Jenny! They know how to pitch her!

    LOL.

    Maybe you should go work for these companies! :-)

    subWOW recently posted Blame it on Chicago Blizzard 2011.

  83. Up here in good ol’ Canada we have a “National Do-Not-Call List” so telemarketers can’t randomly call people. Bell was recently fined $1.3 million for violateing it. Idiots.

    I think what you’re saying here is that we need a National Do-Not-Spam List. You know, to save the orphans.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Brace yourself – this ones serious.

  84. Hahaha. I hate “exciting new breakthrough” products. If you’re product really was an “exciting new breakthrough,” then you’d be too busy with your guest appearance on Oprah to pester random people with your mailing list.

    Alexandra Dare recently posted YES.

  85. Send them an email thanking them for subscribing to the “Photo of Man-Boobs of the Month Club!” If they would like to discontinue this delightful service, they should log on to your website, where they can review the gallery of man-boobs, and rate all 5,000 photos. When that is done, if they still wish to discontinue, they can, in fact, send you pictures of THIER “moobs.” If they feel this email has been sent in error, they should continue to enjoy their monthly Man-Boob shots, courtesy of the Bloggess, a telephoto lense, and the geriatric nudist colony nearby. See? Everybody’s a winner.

  86. This is totally disturbing….first, who knew orphan stabbing was considered a bad thing….and second, I think Justin Bieber is to blame for this.

    Susan recently posted Hunks on A Truck -or- Another Thing I Love About Firemen.

  87. Ohh the joy! Orphan stabbing and typhoid cobras are the greatest! Suck it robots!

    CatZila recently posted You forgot to mention- You might shit your pants.

  88. I really need to remember to put my depends on before I read you. I really do…

    Jules from A Little Bite of Life recently posted Super Bowl Sunday- Whats Your Story.

  89. I think they went into hiding….. haha

    Kelly recently posted Random Memory.

  90. OMG. I totally needed a good laugh. Thanks!

    Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy recently posted Two Healthy Dip Recipes 100 American Express Gift Card Giveaway.

  91. 94
    littlepitcher

    Have you thought of a denial-of-service attack? I truly am considering this for the dumbasses who refuse to unsubscribe me from their newsletters, or worse yet, from dead-tree catalogs full of lucky charms, old lady dresses, and appliqued t-shirts.
    Of course, what we all really want is a method of counterattacking spammers who push 3 e-mails a day for penis enlargers on us. Can’t DOS them, since they’re running botnets, probably on our computers. Why do crazed gunmen never shoot spammeisters?

  92. Oh my goodness! I just spit coffee all over my monitor after reading this. YOU ARE HYSTERICAL!!!!
    It’s so true! I get those pitches all the time as well. I don’t think I’d go so far as to stab orphans (LOL) but I can totally relate to wanting to go postal on them.

    Thanks for putting into words (and in a hysterical way) what most of us bloggers deal with on a daily basis and how we’d love to respond to it.

  93. Lolz, I love this post. I f’kin hate spam and every single one sounds just like the correspondence in this post. Why can’t there just be a ‘block this email address button’???

    ~J

  94. I can identify with your frustration! I have some moron who has found it necessary to infiltrate my inbox with V1agraSupport AndCiali garbage and though I have tried to unsubscribe, he sends 3 more daily! I’ve explained nicely to him that I don’t have a penis and even if I did I wouldn’t trust it to his pharmaceutical crap, but I don’t think he speaks English or for what its worth ……human!

    michelle J recently posted RedEnvelopecom Valentine’s Day Review & 100 GC Giveaway!.

  95. Jenny, I feel sorry for you because you have to put up with this crap. A question, though: do you have any extra angry typhoid-infested cobras? Because after you send some to these folks, if there are any left over, I could really use them. And what kind of satchel do you use? I wasn’t sure what the US Postal Service regulations say about approved shipping containers for angry typhoid-infested cobras, so I asked the people at my local post office. They gave me strange looks and said maybe I should go with UPS. I appreciate any advice you can offer.
    – Brian the kwyjibo

  96. Why are people so damn stupid sometimes? I don’t get why they think that is ok.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted Crazy I Was Crazy Once.

  97. I’m just wondering, as I often do…

    Which 20% didn’t happen?

    ramy_v recently posted Thinking Outside of the Box Car.

  98. Blissfully this is why I run my own email… Too much bullshit like this and I’ll take their email and redirect it so that every email they send me automatically subscribes them to some Yugoslavian child-porn mailing list.

    ‘Cause I’m a giver.

    ShredderFeeder recently posted My Egypt Post….

  99. Ok, Ok….. I get the message. You want me to start emailing you more.

    I will start tomorrow.  And, I’ll try my best to stick to topics that interest you:  Cobras, Orphans, Knives & Typhoid.  If tomorrow isn’t soon enough, or if I’ve misunderstood your topic preferences… just log onto my website to take a quick survey on topics or, send me an email telling me to start emailing earlier and I will be sure to get back to you ASAP.  This is of course,  provided you are able to respond with confirmation that you really do want me to start emailing today.

    Either way.. looking forward to talking soon!

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted The Circles Of Hell.

  100. Jenny, I LOL’d at this one! LOVE it! And I totally don’t LOL for just anyone…that would make me kind of a blog whore…which I am not. Maybe you can send those marketers my way. I have no scruples keeping me from doing whatever is necessary to bring in a buck. I’m shameless and lacking any strong moral values. Still? Not a whore. Unless you think these marketers might want to pay me for sex? If so, I may have to reconsider my stance.

    By the way, all of the comments on your post are almost as hilarious as your post…almost. You have awesome readers.

    Lori stefanac recently posted Something Fishy.

  101. There are probably too many orphans anyway.

    Toni recently posted Random Tuesday Thoughts - 2-1-11.

  102. Clueless marketers…at least they serve as great blog fodder.

  103. I’m sure these guys are related to the Viagra/Cialis people who have come over to my site.
    Can you give them the each other’s addresses.
    You make me laugh so snorted my water out my nose… That hurt.
    LOVE the “hugs, Jenny” part the best.

    Lorie Shewbridge recently posted Eversave Valentines Day Specials PLUS Save an Addition 300 Today Only!!.

  104. Don’t know if anyone’s said this yet, but what they’re doing is against the law. Unsubcribing should never involve logging into any site, and they should never email you again if you’ve followed their original unsubscribe instructions. You should report them to the FTC!

  105. My generation is very proud for this is the world we are leaving our children. When historians look back and ask what exactly it was that we did in the 90s, this, this will be their answer!

    It is not a proud history, but we are trying to embrace it nonetheless.

  106. I think the other Annmarie’s method is brilliant. Even if she does spell her name wrong.

    Anne-Marie recently posted I Can&8217t Believe It&8217s&8230Kim Cattrall- the new spokesperson for I Can&8217t Believe It&8217s Not Butter.

  107. When will these people learn not to mess with bloggers? I mean, seriously, some of us have tens of fans that will reject them just on the principal. And then there are people like you…with minions. And unicorns.

    Angi recently posted Cuddle Thunder!.

  108. LMAO you made my day! Shit you made my YEAR ! Keep on blogging YOUR MY IDOL

    ode to the Bloggess… I’m soooooo worthy!

    Tricia @Nightowlmama recently posted Hoover Platinum Collection Carpet Cleaner Spin Scrub Attachment Review.

  109. I hate those emails. If I unsubscribe I don’t want you to bother me anymore…yet you bother me. I think you handled it way better than I would have. Love the idea of a murder weapon in the shape of their logo…pure genius!

    Jenn recently posted It Looks Like A Crime Scene.

  110. ProToip: If you receive spam e-mail that contains “Unsubscribe” instructions, don’t do it! Spam e-mail is sent indiscriminately by basically guessing at e-mail addresses. By telling them you want to unsubscribe, you’re confirming that you’re there, which causes them to send more spam.
    All you can do it just keep marking their e-mails as spam until your spam filter figures it out.

    Oh, about orphan stabbing. Most kids are savvy enough to avoid strangers with candy, but orphans will voluntarily get in stabbing range in you claim you’re thinking of adopting them.
    I mean, that’s what I’ve heard. Obviously I wouldn’t know first hand.

  111. hey at least you’re wanted. even if it is by automated email programs. all i ever get is how to grow a big dick and wear a cool watch. it’s like nobody even knows i actually write. and have a vagina.

    Simone recently posted Shut your face - literally.

  112. What a scum-sucking company. My buddies didn’t die face down in the mud so that a company like this could annoy a genius like you.

    Wait. Wrong movie.

    kmkat recently posted WIP Wednesday.

  113. Okay, out of sheer morbid curiosity, I googled “typhoid cobras”, and your blog came up as first search result. But a little further down, i found a link to a medical dictionary that listed “naja cobras”, a common snake in India, as having homeopathic qualities in their venom. So I googled naja cobras and got this link:

    http://www.herbs2000.com/homeopathy/naja.htm

    You don’t have to check it out, but the first paragraph states that, “There was a time when the traditional physicians in India had been using the poison of naja to treat conditions like nervous anxiety and blood diseases.”
    I googled typhoid just to be sure, and sure enough, it affects the blood. So basically, typhoid cobras are the problem and the solution in one package. I’m not sure if this a good thing or not.
    On the bright side, you may have also found a treatment for your anxiety disorder. Typhoid cobras. The new Prozac. Who knew? Apparently you did.

  114. Sounds familiar. I just hit delete with such a savagery that my delete button is now gimpy. Oh shiiiiii…

    Scout's Honor/Heather Murphy-Raines recently posted Weight Loss- Lets Get This Party Started.

  115. HILARIOUS!!!

  116. Dear Blogger,
    We’d like to let you know about our latest product utilizing Face-Stab-Over-IP technology. More details can be found at our website http://betterootthanin.blogspot.com/2009/01/build-your-own-stab-o-mizer-tm.html if you’d like to mention us for free on your blog. If you wish to unsubscribe, tough shit.
    Hugs, Farty.

    Mr Farty recently posted Dont Give Up.

  117. You could stab the Stop Stabbing Orphan Charity’s spammer’s parents, thus rendering them orphans. Irony.

    alonewithcats recently posted Logically speaking- I thought for sure I’d be Elton John’s emergency womb.

  118. Yep, Jenny you’re still awesome, cold weather be damned!

    Dana recently posted Oh- We Texans Dont Do Cold Well.

  119. It would be funnier if it weren’t so annoyingly true.

    I went through this TODAY…I hit unsubscribe, and I could only unsubscribe if I signed in (I had to get my password resent to me in order to do this because I had no idea what it was) and gave a reason (required field). I couldn’t believe it. I never signed up for it!

    Penelope recently posted Not Everyone is Impressed With the Snow.

  120. I don’t understand why they think this method would be effective. le sigh.

    You are funny though.

    Deidre recently posted 3-100 At least I have a life time.

  121. i’m really interested in these typhoid-infested cobras. could we put them in a sack with the orphans and see who comes out on top? it could be a new game show. “cobra vs. orphan”? the orphans (who will never win) get a hot bowl of gruel and the cobra gets…well, an orphan.

    holly recently posted My teeth are dirty sad little hobos.

  122. A satchel of angry typhoid-infested cobras is like the one thing I haven’t tried . . . well, I think we know what’s coming.

    Daniel Roach recently posted The Right Way And The Wrong Way To Use Content Marketing The Graphic Examples Edition.

  123. @Bethany – you have way too much time on your hands. But thanks.

  124. My question is which bungholio bloggers actually work with these bungholios. If noone complied with their ridiculous requests, you would think they wouldn’t bother to spam us. There have got to be some naive, dipshit bloggers out there for these people (robots) to even exist. I had 600 spam comments in my spam folder today, which pisses me off because every once in a while, a legit comment (when you have an obscure blog that isn’t read by many people outside of Iowa such as mine, every comment is a huge self-worth booster) somehow gets buried in the spam folder. I don’t have the patience to dig through 600 spam comments for 1-2 potentially real comments so I always just utilize the delete all spam function.

    Rico Swaff recently posted I Am Allergic to Cold…No Seriously- I Really Am and Here is Proof.

  125. sure you don’t actually want to share their name with us? I think they have earned it… better yet, give us the email address, and maybe we can all email this guy for one week… it’ teach him to stop messing with bloggers

    signed,
    obviously a frustrated terrorist, or PR person… hmmm dear jenny….

    angelica recently posted Dispatches from Limbo.

  126. These people make us get super stabby. And that takes a lot…because we are all warm, fuzzy and about cuteness.

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Pet News-Very Cute “Model Search” Bull Dog Video.

  127. What you need is seperate email addresses in your ‘contact me’ section so they know where to send their ‘offers’, e.g.

    Offers involving “pay for every thousand clicks from your site” should be sent to
    stabmycat@jennymail.com

    Offers involving “pay for every thousand clicks resulting in sale” should be sent to
    stabmyeye@jennymail.com

    Offers involving no cash at all in lieu of donations to shady charities should be sent to
    stabmyeyewithmycat@jennymail.com

    They of course you can delete the entire mailbox without reading, or leave it open access so we can all read them!

    If I Were God... recently posted 2010 year end revie- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!.

  128. Dear Blogger on Our Must-Annoy List – we are now hijacking your comments section. If you do not want us to start spamming all of your commentors, please have each of them like us on Facebook. You have 24 hours. If we do not get adequate likes, we will put Orphans, Heroin Kittens, and Chupacabras in a Ultimate Death Match, available on pay per view. We will serve unicorn blood and the hearts of fairies at concessions.

    We want our Likes. If we don’t get them, let it be on your conscience.
    Hugs, The Assholes

    Julie the Wife recently posted Its Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 56.

  129. I wrote a little diddy about this whole “ball gag dental procedure”. you can already tell what I thought about it by the quotes. And those aren’t air quotes… I mean they would be if I was talking and you were here, but then again I’d have your pants in my mouth and this would be a WHOLE different conversation. I’m sorry, I digress… the lyrics…

    I’m lying alone with my nuts on the phone
    Thinking of you till it hurts
    I know your nuts hurt too but what else can our nuts do
    Tormented and torn apart
    I wish I could carry your smile and my nuts
    For times when my nuts feel so low
    It would make my nuts believe what tomorrow could bring
    When today doesn’t really know, doesn’t really know

    It’s amazing how much more integrity Air Supply lyrics sound when you replace every other pronoun with “my nuts”… ahh, yes there they are again, the air quotes.

    furiousBall in Jail recently posted a good week.

  130. I think a DOS attack on their servers would serve them right. Add in there a little subroutine that insults any of their employee(s) with a random rude comment whenever they turn on their computer.

  131. and why aren’t all of these malicious virus creating assholes targeting the servers of these people!

    pattypunker recently posted shoplifting 101.

  132. I think it should be a requirement for those assholes to send their home addresses with such emails. Then they’d be a little less dickish about it, and also you would know where to send the cobras.

    Dangerboy recently posted Strippers for Odin.

  133. @ physicsmom: not really. It’s not like I triple-checked my facts or anything. That’s the beauty of high-speed internet. Punch in a keyword, open the first search result, and base all your “knowledge” off of that. (Thank you, wikipedia!) It takes about 5 minutes, which is only slightly more time than some major news networks take to check their facts. Nothing to it, really. :)

  134. This is the exact problem I encounter every time I try to unsubscribe to my mother’s phone calls. That bitch cannot take a hint.

    Cat recently posted Spammers Beware Or- Youre Welcome For Making Your Day- Asshole.

  135. More importantly, could I have heard your name “Jenny the Bloggess” on television???!!!! I swear I heard one of the wrap-up dudes on the internet mention your name. Publicity? Duplicity? There couldn’t be another one of you? Check it out. It was a Channel 7 (ABC) wrap-up on the internet. I swear.

    As for the above assholes, 2 options, either subscribe and really fuck with them or like someone said, make them public on your blog and we can all have a lot of fun.

    Laurie recently posted How I Am Liking 2011 So Far….

  136. This doesn’t happen to me because my site doesn’t generate enough traffic to make me attractive as an affiliated marketer for assholes…or anyone else for that matter. I hope that it does soon, because I will gladly (I could be wrong of course) trade the problems that entails for my current troubles that include, you know, how to buy groceries and shit. When the Internet marketers are sending me automated e-mails every day and not even reading my blog I promise to be really pissed about it. Until then I’ll just be really pissed at Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan. Everybody has their own assholes to bear…crossly.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Deep 6 News - Exclusive Interview with the Geezer Bandit.

  137. Wait…I don’t get it. Is the Charity to stop the stabbing of orphans or to stop orphans who stab? Cause I’m totally against one of those.

  138. This one time, I dreamed I accidentally shot an orphan on a tire swing….
    Pretty sure it was unrelated to this.

    Jenni Chiu recently posted Ridiculously Random Updates Lucy the Wonder Dog Edition.

  139. OMG I’m so glad this post is not about me but the last one was.

  140. This just made me laugh so hard that I think I can get through my last hour of work! Thank you and happy friday!

  141. 146
    Someonesomeone

    Once I just sent them back their own mail. Then my mailbox crashed and I was asked to confirm I was not a bot.

  142. This is sooooooooooooooooooooooo true! OMG! But I LOVE your version of it better. I am still LMAO!

  143. Hunter Thompson would have loved this blog.

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  144. Apologies if you know this already, but it might help you avoid wanting to stab orphans if you route your email through Gmail. Then you can set up filters to automatically delete anything from that sender, or with specific spammy slogans in the subject line, etc…:

    http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=21288
    http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=6579

  145. I’m sorry, I didn’t realise my emails were bothering you so much. I’ll stop now.

    You could have just said!

    Hugs,

    Chief Asshole

    JallieDaddy recently posted Silent Sunday- Disneyland No- Daddyland!.

  146. I hate it when people write letters to me that start “Dear Assholes”. I’m just one person.

    Margarita | On the Rocks | Lots of Salt recently posted Falling Down the Mountain Day 2 - Dolly Parton and E coli.

  147. Love it! I also really appreciate it when I tell them I don’t want to work with them on a review and they sign me up for their deal and discount newsletters. Yes, because I don’t want to review your product for free, but I would just love to buy it!

    Kathleen B. recently posted So You Want Me To Pay You To Clean Up Your Own Pee.

  148. I once was an orphan and after reading this, I might have to stab myself

    Happyhourmary recently posted Drinkwear Coaster.

  149. Today, I went to the beach front with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it
    to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
    She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a
    hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
    LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

    cookevillesouth.com recently posted cookevillesouth.com.

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