Yesterday I had the shittiest day ever and I was right on the edge of having a total breakdown and then my sister emailed me and was all “I don’t care about your personal problems. Let’s talk about Little House on the Prairie”. And it made me feel better. Maybe it’ll make you feel better too.
This is that story:
Lisa: So they gave Victor the whole morphine cart when he had his surgery? You probably should pocket some for yourself just to get through having to deal with this. Remember when Charles Jr. got addicted to morphine on Little House on the Prairie and he threw up in that shoebox? Avoid that. No one wants your vomit in a shoebox.
Hang on. Crap, I just googled it, and it wasn’t Charles who was the junky. It was the adopted kid, Albert. Which makes more sense, because I THOUGHT he was adopted, but then was all, he couldn’t be adopted because his name was Charles Jr. Oh Little House on the Prairie, you are so brilliant.
me: I TOTALLY remember the Albert morphine vomit episode. Scarred me for life. That one and the one where ma had to cut off her own leg (Way to fuck up again, Doc Baker) because the Bible told her too, and the one where Albert fell in love with that raped girl who ended up getting murdered by that guy in the mime mask. Little House on the Prairie was fucked up. I’m reading the books to Hailey and there’s a chapter in the real book where pa joins a minstrel show and dances around in black-face to entertain the town and everyone in the town is all “THIS IS THE MOST MAGICAL, GLORIOUS THING EVER”. No shit. THAT HAPPENED. I skipped that chapter. I told Hailey it was about how pa picked up a drinking problem. There was also a chapter where ma says “the only good Indian is a dead Indian”. I changed it to “The only good Indian is an Indian who likes pie. I’ve always been suspicious of people who don’t like pie” It didn’t make sense but I figured she can wait until at least first grade before I explain the intricacies of early pioneer racism.
Lisa: Good call. Also, Albert should have shared his morphine with racist ma. What a selfish asshole.
me: I think maybe Albert was dead then. Remember that episode when he got a bunch of nosebleeds and Doc Baker was all “You’re totally going to die” but then in his final scene all the school kids held hands with him in a field and everyone was really happy? I always thought that they cured him with the hand-holding thing but then he was already dead by the next episode so apparently hand-holding isn’t all that effective to battle fatal-nose-bleed-disease. That was a really fucked up series.
Lisa: I have some theories on this whole Knut the dead polar bear saga that is going on, but my baby’s freaking out. In a nutshell….Polar bears are smarter than us. The end.
me: NBC did a story about Knut dying but someone mistyped the wording on the screen and so instead it said “KUNT DIES“. Too soon, NBC.
Lisa: Go watch this right now:
Did you watch it yet? Go…speakers on. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, but you’re all jacked up on morphine. Now when Victor is whining about not having any more drugs left tomorrow you can be all, “Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit. Honey Badger will get bit by in the face by a cobra and just take a light cat nap. And then he eats the cobra.” You’re welcome.
Comment of the day: If you just read the comments and not the blog posting, you’ll feel like you’re in a room where everyone is on drugs but you. ~ Karen