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Dear Stephen Colbert.
Last night, as a huge fan of your work, I was watching your show when I heard your opening joke at 4:10: “They say every time God closes a door he opens a window. That’s why Heaven has such huge air-conditioning bills.”
And I had to agree that yes, they do say that. If by “they” you are referring to “Jenny and her husband a week and a half ago.”
On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.
Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.
Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.
Stranger: That’s...not what that phrase means.
me: I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time. God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.
Victor: Right? And then Jesus would be like “Dad. STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”
Religious stranger: *stunned silence*
me: And then God would point out that Jesus actually WAS born in a barn. BURN, Jesus.
Victor: And then God would be like, “Look, I DON’T CLOSE A DOOR WITHOUT OPENING A WINDOW. IT’S WHAT I DO. IT’S IN THE CHARTER.”
You probably don’t know this but my husband is a staunch Republican and I am an ardent Democrat and so Victor immediately stood up, pointed at the TV screen and shouted “BETRAYER! CALL THY LAWYERS, COLBERT!” I, on the other hand, remained calm and pointed out that the well-meaning religious stranger we’d baffled on the plane was probably you in disguise looking for material. Nice mustache, by the way.
Also possible? We share one mind. For example, you use footnotes in your book (which I bought as a first edition, in hard-back, at full-price) and I use footnotes in my book (which isn’t out until next year but will probably be shoplifted by one of your minions so that you can steal all my jokes about my first period.) That was a joke, by the way. I don’t refer to periods in my book at all. Because that would be gross. In fact, I’m so anti-period that the whole book is just one long run-on sentence. I doubt it will sell well.
But here’s my point: This aggression will not stand. And yes, I’m aware that I stole that line from The Big Lebowski who stole it from George Bush Sr. but I’m doing that ironically, if “ironically” means “lazily.” But you can make it up to me. Because I love you. Have me on your show to work this out. And by “work this out” I mean “accept my challenge for a crazy-eye staring contest”. You don’t even have to tape it. I just want to sit at your desk and say I was on the Colbert Report, even if it’s just you and I silently staring at each other in an arched-eyebrow staring contest that you will no-doubt win because I have severe dry-eye syndrome. Way to take advantage of the disabled, Stephen Colbert.
I still have faith in you, Mr. Colbert.
~ Jenny (aka @thebloggess)
PS. While we sit here feuding over petty words our real enemy is out there taking advantage of our distraction. I think we both know who that real enemy is. Bears.
Do it for the children, Mr. Colbert. Do it for the children who don’t want to be mangled by bears.
UPDATED: 1. Within an hour, #OCCUPYCOLBERT was trending on twitter. #OCCUPYCOBBLER was threatening to trend, both because of Auto-correct and the deliciousness of cobbler.
2. It was pointed out to me that the issue goes far deeper than a simple shared joke. Stephen Colbert stole my ear.
Below is a picture of Stephen Colbert, and a picture of me celebrating International Star Wars Day last year:
That’s right. Stephen Colbert and I share a wonky ear. You might think that this would bring us closer together, but no. Apparently Stephen Colbert thinks he owns ears.
According to sources: “Wonky ear refers to Stephen Colbert’s trademark distinctively shaped right ear.”
YOU CAN’T TRADEMARK EARS, STEPHEN COLBERT. I’ve had this wonky ear since I was born. This is like when you were four and your uncle made you cry by playing “Got-your-nose,” except that your Uncle is Stephen Colbert and he’s trying to trademark your body parts. And probably selling them on the black-market. I don’t know that last part for a fact, but at this point I wouldn’t put it past him.
I’m still waiting to hear about that staring contest, Mr. Colbert. You’ll have to talk into my left ear though, because apparently the right one is owned by you.
Not cool, Stephen Colbert.
My friend Swistle pointed out that she was able to find Colbert making similar jokes in January, June ,and again in July. (Example: “God never closes a door without opening a window. His heating bills must be outrageous.” ~ The Colbert Report, January 6, 2010.)
Conclusion: Not even Stephen Colbert is immune to having his jokes stolen by Stephen Colbert.
None of us are safe.