#OCCUPYCOLBERT (UPDATED)

See updates below…

Dear Stephen Colbert.

Ow.

Last night, as a huge fan of your work, I was watching your show when I heard your opening joke at 4:10:  “They say every time God closes a door he opens a window.  That’s why Heaven has such huge air-conditioning bills.

And I had to agree that yes, they do say that.  If by “they” you are referring to “Jenny and her husband a week and a half ago.”

Excerpt from this blog, week before last:

On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.

Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.

Victor:  Well that explains why our electric bill was so high.  Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.

Stranger:  That’s...not what that phrase means.

me:  I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time.  God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out.  That sort of thing.

Victor:  Right?  And then Jesus would be like “Dad.  STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”

Religious stranger:  *stunned silence*

me:  And then God would point out that Jesus actually WAS born in a barn.  BURN, Jesus.

Victor: And then God would be like, “Look, I DON’T CLOSE A DOOR WITHOUT OPENING A WINDOW.  IT’S  WHAT I DO. IT’S IN THE CHARTER.”

You probably don’t know this but my husband is a staunch Republican and I am an ardent Democrat and so Victor immediately stood up, pointed at the TV screen and shouted “BETRAYER!  CALL THY LAWYERS, COLBERT!”  I, on the other hand, remained calm and pointed out that the well-meaning religious stranger we’d baffled on the plane was probably you in disguise looking for material.  Nice mustache, by the way.

Also possible?  We share one mind.  For example, you use footnotes in your book (which I bought as a first edition, in hard-back, at full-price) and I use footnotes in my book (which isn’t out until next year but will probably be shoplifted by one of your minions so that you can steal all my jokes about my first period.)  That was a joke, by the way.  I don’t refer to periods in my book at all.  Because that would be gross.  In fact, I’m so anti-period that the whole book is just one long run-on sentence.  I doubt it will sell well.

But here’s my point:  This aggression will not stand.  And yes, I’m aware that I stole that line from The Big Lebowski who stole it from George Bush Sr. but I’m doing that ironically, if “ironically” means “lazily.”  But you can make it up to me.  Because I love you.  Have me on your show to work this out.   And by “work this out” I mean “accept my challenge for a crazy-eye staring contest”.  You don’t even have to tape it.  I just want to sit at your desk and say I was on the Colbert Report, even if it’s just you and I silently staring at each other in an arched-eyebrow staring contest that you will no-doubt win because I have severe dry-eye syndrome.  Way to take advantage of the disabled, Stephen Colbert.

I still have faith in you, Mr. Colbert.

~ Jenny (aka @thebloggess)

PS.  While we sit here feuding over petty words our real enemy is out there taking advantage of our distraction.  I think we both know who that real enemy is.  Bears.

Do it for the children, Mr. Colbert.  Do it for the children who don’t want to be mangled by bears.

UPDATED:  1.  Within an hour, #OCCUPYCOLBERT was trending on twitter.  #OCCUPYCOBBLER was threatening to trend, both because of Auto-correct and the deliciousness of cobbler.

On the down side, we'd brought our common enemy together. (Image via @JentheAmazing)

2.  It was pointed out to me that the issue goes far deeper than a simple shared joke.  Stephen Colbert stole my ear.

Below is a picture of Stephen Colbert, and a picture of me celebrating International Star Wars Day last year:

That’s right.  Stephen Colbert and I share a wonky ear.  You might think that this would bring us closer together, but no.  Apparently Stephen Colbert thinks he owns ears.

According to sources: “Wonky ear refers to Stephen Colbert’s trademark distinctively shaped right ear.

YOU CAN’T TRADEMARK EARS, STEPHEN COLBERT.  I’ve had this wonky ear since I was born.  This is like when you were four and your uncle made you cry by playing “Got-your-nose,” except that your Uncle is Stephen Colbert and he’s trying to trademark your body parts.  And probably selling them on the black-market.  I don’t know that last part for a fact, but at this point I wouldn’t put it past him.

I’m still waiting to hear about that staring contest, Mr. Colbert.  You’ll have to talk into my left ear though, because apparently the right one is owned by you.

Not cool, Stephen Colbert.

UPDATED AGAIN:

My friend Swistle pointed out that she was able to find Colbert making similar jokes in January, June ,and again in July.  (Example: God never closes a door without opening a window. His heating bills must be outrageous.” ~ The Colbert Report, January 6, 2010.)

Conclusion: Not even Stephen Colbert is immune to having his jokes stolen by Stephen Colbert.

My God.

None of us are safe.

 

 

283 thoughts on “#OCCUPYCOLBERT (UPDATED)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Not sure bears are the enemy.

    This is an excellent reason to get into a staring contest with Stephen Colbert, though. Am waiting with bated breath…

    Please be nice to the bears.

  2. I saw that the Colbert Report last night too and first thing I thought of when he said that was your conversation with Victor. I’d love to see a stare-down with Colbert! Go get him, Jenny!

  3. You are completely insane it makes my stomach hurt from laughing so much. the sad thing is that you’re so freaking funny I can’t even retell your stories with out sounding like a lunatic. I love you! Seriously. I tried telling your wolf hoodie at thanksgiving and my whole family just stared at me in awkward silence while I laughed and giggled. They all wanted to know what the heck I’ve been reading and why was I the only one with spiked sparkling apple cider? by the way. Are you going to wear you wolf hoodie when you visit the Colbert Report?

  4. We MIGHT share the one mind, actually. This is part of a recurring nightmare I have about reincarnation (which can be found in blog post format here: http://bit.ly/vEmMKE *shameless plug*).

    I sincerely hope not, however. I’m a very private person, and don’t really fancy sharing all my (perfectly NORMAL!) thoughts with you lot. No offense! I’m sure you’re all decent human beings.

  5. I will support the hell out of this Occupy Movement. The part about periods made me choke I was laughing so hard. I wish I had your brilliant brilliance.

  6. I can’t believe he stole your idea… but it in a way it is a huge compliment! Hopefully, this means he is a fan of The Bloggess and will be the first in line to ask you to join him on his show to promote your book!

  7. Why doesn’t Colbert have you on WITH Nathan Fillion? No idea why he would be relevant to the show, but you know two birds, one stone and all.

  8. You know, between this and the “catvertising”, I think you need to find a way to protect your intellectual property. I suggest licking it. It works for pie slices, I think it could work for blog post too. No one wants to touch things that have been licked by someone else. Unless they have a licking fetish. And then maybe. Okay, write “Property of Bloggess” in Sharpie too. That’ll do the trick.

  9. Funny you mention bears and periods in the same post because…
    Bears… they can smell the menstruation. – Anchorman.

    And also? I can’t believe he stole that joke from you . He could have been more subtle about it. the only thing less subtle would have been neon subtitles across his face saying “joke courtesy of The Bloggess @ thebloggess.com.” Which would have been awesome for you, no?

  10. I swear Colbert’s writers snagged a Tweet from me back about a year ago – it was word for word and I had posted it about a day earlier than it was aired. Say it ain’t so, Stephen, I thought I was just being paranoid, but now? Not so sure.

  11. YES! I will join the #OccupyColbert movement! After, we can #OccupyCobbler because, well, that’s just yummy. Mmmm, cobbler… *drool*. Also, I haven’t eaten yet today. Ooh, put a group of bears between the army and cobbler and that’ll take care of the bear problem, too! I think I should be promoted to Captain or something for that bit of brilliance. I await delivery of my awesome Captainy hat.

  12. Here’s my question, can he don the traveling red dress and see if it elicits a new emotional authenticity from him? I think it would help your two worlds converge…

  13. Should have known something like this was gonna happen. Like my mother said, “Never trust anyone with a silent ‘t’ in their name.” Yes..I’m looking at YOU, Monet.

  14. I just want to say i’m in for whatever crazy this entails…. Even if i’m stuck sitting at my cubicle, I support this cause!!!
    Also… You really should wear the wolf when you go on his show!

  15. If Colbert knows anything about ratings he’ll have you on for that staring contest. No doubt.

  16. Damn. I love you. I love Stephen. Beyonce notwithstanding, I’ve also fallen in love with Victor more than a little. Whose side to choose?

    I say y’all go for a threesome and make ALL your fans happy.

  17. You know late night comedians cannot possibly give you your due. Your a WOMAN. They don’t hire our sort-or admit our humor. Our vaginal ownership is akin to a label of ‘not funny’.

    If G-d let Jesus’ cat out, wouldn’t that just be the end all?

    “first you hitch me up to a tree for a whole shitload of ingrates who proceed to memorialize that moment by wearing me on said tree in gold around their neck, and now you let my cat disappear? What’s next? Letting Pat Robertson in?”

  18. I think you should be invited to the Colbert Report so you can ask Stephen Colbert your Zombie vs. Unicorn question. Of course, he’d probably steal your answer too… 🙂

  19. I know a guy that was born without muscles in his eyelids. So he can’t blink. Ever. He’s legally blind because though he can’t close his eyes, he also can’t open them fully. Maybe he can be your staring contest stand-in and you can be there to be his aide – you know, make sure Stephen doesn’t cheat, . You’d make an awesome aide. And it’s not like Colbert can contest the stand in – it’s a disabled person helping a disabled person help a disabled person. It’s like an Escher trifecta.

  20. You know you’ve made it when someone starts stealing your material… I don’t even know who Stephen Colbert is and I still thought this post was hilarious.

  21. Smokey, the Bear,
    Smokey, the Bear,
    Walkin’ and a talkin’ and sniffin’ the air.

    I love Bears. Especially in hats.

    Colbert? Not so much.

  22. ROTFL!! I am not a Colbert watcher… But i would become one because of you… Its how I fell head over heels in love with WilW as well… you are magic.. that is all

  23. Surely it is *Victor’s* honour that needs defending ref. who said what in the dialogue with the religious person? Sounds like he’s spoiling for a fight with the lefties anway. Frees you up to take on ALL the bears…

  24. Go get ’em! My good friend Shauna (aka @goldengateblond) had her material stolen by the Jimmy Kimmel show a while back. She rounded up her twitter buddies to humiliate him. If I’m not mistaken, she did get an apology and credit for the joke. Lazy ass tv writers….thinking they can steal from the soon-to-be published and we won’t notice. Shameful.

  25. OMG. I just laughed so hard I think I peed a little.

    This was fecking HILARIOUS.

    Stephen, Mr. Colbert, you have to do it. Cause it would totally rock.

    #campaigntogetthebloggessonColbertbegins

  26. I fully support a staring contest (battle, really) between you and Colbert. If it was me I’d probably lose the second he did that eyebrow thingy that he always does, because it’s funny, but I also think it *might* be a super power. You, however, probably also have super powers with your eyebrows so it’s going to be an awesome eyebrow/staring fight.

  27. OMG I totally needed this at this exact moment in time. Pretty sure that makes you Jesus. I had a massive crazy-lady meltdown this morning after not sleeping because my crazy-lady brain wanted to start 8,000 new projects after 1 am, so I still haven’t slept. Nor have I managed to do anything other than print coupons from CVS because I decided at 2 am to become the next extreme couponing diva to make up for the fact that my anxiety has kept me out of the office and in (and out of) the hospital for the better part of two years.

    Did I mention that I haven’t slept?

    And now you’re all… “block this crazy bitch” who thinks I am Jesus. But like cool Jesus in a tube top and flip flops. ‘Cause I think he would be down for that look, what with God leaving the windows open all the time, and we live in Texas and it is crazy hot here like 363 days out of the year. I hope the cat comes back.

    So, Thank you, shiny, happy, Jesus, for your wonderful morning post.

  28. You. You slay me.

    You would TOTALLY win a staring contest. You could tell him ANOTHER joke and break his concentration.

    Born in a barn.

    Slay me.

  29. He just started a “very inappropriate relationship” with you in front of a national audience. I hope he doesn’t try to run for president now.

  30. It is clear you are on the Colbert Radar to the point they are stealing your material. This just proves you should have your own show.

  31. as a member of colbert nation, i can say in good faith that jenny AND victor should both be invited on the show to receive steven’s apology and to get the #colbertbump. jenny, if you could get victor to dress like a bear and you can wear your wolf skin. bring beyonce.

  32. I definitely want to see you in the Colbert stare-down! (Will Victor come, too? Because that would be fun!) Also, I wondered if Colbert was the religious stranger in disguise, too!!

  33. UNLEASH THE LAWYERS, VICTOR! This is unacceptable content theft! I find the whole occupy movement smelly and unfortunate; however, I shall get to tweeting with the appropriate hashtag immediately!

  34. You are amazing, and hilarious, and an inspiration for women everywhere who want to grab life by the short hairies and get shit done. I can’t wait to see you on Colbert, because let’s face it, it will probably happen.

  35. Down with bears, up with Jenny! I freaking LOVE you! I also love Beverly Diehl’s idea…but that may be a bit too risque for regular cable. I feel an HBO special coming on.

  36. This is the unfortunate consequence of brilliance: everyone steals your shit all the time. The only way i can think of for you to protect yourself is to constantly be followed around by video cameras. That way, when someone tries to pass off one of your ideas or jokes as their own, you can pull out the footage and be all like, “COPYRIGHTED, MUTHAFUCKA!” That’s how copyrights work, right?

    Of course, the added bonus of this would be the new Bloggess reality show, for those of us who just can’t get enough Jenny.

    This whole idea is nothing but win. I hope no one steals it. Damn, where is my video camera?

  37. Hate to burst your bubble, but the A/C joke has been around. Maybe it was never published, but I’d heard it before Colbert last night. While funny, it’s not a huge stretch of the wit to come up with. Sorry.

  38. People don’t google for jokes. This means only one thing. He is following you. You are in his RSS reader. That makes you, officially, an unofficial writer for the show. They have probably already sent the first check.

  39. So wait, God left the window open, and so a bear got in and ate Stephen Colbert, while having a staring contest with Jesus? Man, maybe I shouldn’t quickly skim blog posts.

    On an unrelated note, you should totally be on the Colbert Show because well, I want the bears to stop eating my trash (or is it my neighbour doing it — tough times).

  40. I would occupy anything you suggest – within reason. But then I’ve never been reasonable (or so said my mother-in-law — God rest her hated-me-more-than-one-can-imagine soul).

  41. The full-on Colbert Stare can be devastating. I think he’s officially known as Satire Bear. When he stands next to Grumpy Bear (John Stewart) it’s all over.

  42. I never, never comment on blogs, but…please please please can you wear Wolf Blitzer when you go on the Colbert Report? Oh god, I would die! (excellent suggestion, triGirl)

  43. Maybe you should point out to Colbert what a bad idea it is to cross you. Just casually through the whole Shatner debacle in, and mention how even the glorious Wil Wheaton caved and sent that magnificent picture of himself collating paper. You are my hero Jenny. Much love.

  44. Who the hell is Stephen Colbert?

    and just for the record when Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson enters any competition, it is a given she is THE WINNER

    Just Saying

  45. I think instead of a staring contest, you guys should have an ear-waggling contest. You must learn to waggle only the right ear though, young Jedi. Start practicing.

  46. I love you Jenny. I am smiling from EAR to EAR (take that Colbert!)

    You should definitely wear Wolf Blizter on the show….and make sure your show rider includes VIP seats for Beyonce, Copernicus and let’s not forget James Garfield!!

  47. Does your brilliance know no bounds? And damn, your readers are pretty damn funny too! I would love to occupy Stephen Colbert AND cobbler! Speaking of Colbert – his portrait is hanging in the Museum of American History (the Smithsonian) and I believe HE donated it! What a cheeky bastard!

  48. My dear Bloggess, you’ve done it again. Please Mr, Colbert, for the love of all that is funny, have miss jenny (said in the best southern accent a girl from australia can manage) on your show.

  49. What the hell is up with your zeitgeist karma this week? Which would be a GREAT band name, by the way. Mention it to Stephen if he has the stones to put you on his show.

  50. He may be sexy as hell, what with his flippant attitude and dorky rare sheepishness, but this Bloggess rip off NEEDS TO END NOW!!

    No fair.

    You just KNOW their writers at trolling the interwebz for material.

    LAWSUIT LAWSUIT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

    __________________________________________________________

  51. I watched Colbert last night and when he made the heating bill joke I screamed so loud that it startled my dogs. They may never forgive you. #occupycolbert

  52. I so hope this happens! I would keep that Colbert episode on my TiVo and never delete it because it would be awesome! Unless he got all rude like he sometimes does and just kept talking over you during the interview, then I would have to go all Office Space on his a$s (take him out to a field somewhere and…errr, pick flowers for him, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket).

  53. A similar thing happened last week when Conan O’Brien made the same joke about PETA being upset about Mario stomping on turtles that my cousin made EARLIER THAT DAY. I assumed it was coincidence but now I’m convinced all TV writers are out to steal the internet’s jokes.

  54. um…your “joke” or whatever was obvious and I seriously doubt that’s the first time anyone has said that phrase in a similar way. I have totally heard this joke before. I doubt he reads your blog. Just sayin’

    Get over yourself this is the stupidest thing I have read on the internet and that’s saying something.

  55. Jenny, you are seriously the funniest person around…except maybe Robin Williams before he got boring…and maybe Mitch Hedberg…and maybe Herman Cain (“I could be accused of sexual harrassment by an infinite number of people…” How does he know that many people? When does he have the TIME?)…but defintely funnier than Fozzie Bear…WATCH OUT-IT’S A BEAR! Anyhow, bring it on Colbert-Jenny has your number! And it’s not 867-5309. Or I don’t think so. That’s another Jenny. I think.

  56. this IS a joke, right? I assume you don’t actually think Colbert stole “your” joke, that as pointed out is fairly common and well known, but some of these commenters seem to genuinely believe a popular TV host and his staff full of writers are following your blog looking for ideas… which scares me. Come on, guys, Colbert is not plagarising a blogger he’s never heard of. It’s not an original joke. Just a fun coincidence.

  57. I did a brief Google of various words (God window door air conditioning bills) and found a reference to Colbert making the joke (with heating bill instead of air conditioning bill) in a January 2010 episode. http://wikiality.wikia.com/God

    And one about air conditioning from July: http://thereisnogod.tumblr.com/post/7290001804/every-time-god-closes-a-door-he-opens-a

    And another air conditioning one in June: http://www.tv.com/shows/the-colbert-report/gary-sinise-1389809/

    What is making me cranky here is that YOU are being funny about this whole thing, and yet the followers are going RIGHT to “HE REALLY DID STEAL THE JOKE OMG!!!!!”

  58. #occupycolbert – I love it! You know he has writers and they’re likely scouring the internet for jokes all the time. Game on!!

  59. As I sit here in the vet’s office, waiting to see if the day will be brightened for me by witnessing my dog’s dismay when she realizes last night’s tomfoolery on her part has resulted in the need for them to shave her ass, I want you to know that when the day comes, I’m willing to stand with Beyonce to witness your Million Wonky Ear March on Washington.

    And if they add the Cone of Shame to the ass shaving on Zoey I’ll try to remember to send you pictures to cheer you up from your present travesty.

  60. Dear god Woman. Do not make me pick sides in this. Because ultimately I will shun you both and turn to Conan.

  61. This is sort of like this one time that I wrote about a thing and then saw the very same thing on The Rachel Maddow show the very next day, complete with references to the same links I’d linked to and identical story framing, and I was all like, HEY, there is in fact a very slight possibility that TRMS STOLE that idea from my blog post! (Unless, you know, they just researched the same thing because it was an interesting story and used the same links because they were the best ones and used the same framing because it was, frankly, a pretty obvious choice. Which is the most likely explanation. But that way of thinking just isn’t as pleasing to my ego.)

    Only, this is different, because having Stephen Colbert steal an idea from you is even better than Rachel Maddow steal an idea from you, and also, I didn’t think to try to turn that situation into a televised staring contest invitation, because I never think of things like that.

    Well played, Madame The Bloggess. Well played.

  62. SC’s writers are most likely between 21 and 35 and are probably all social media addicts. I wouldn’t be surprised (at all!) if you’ve got some fans on his payroll! Maybe someone read your post and then worked that line into his monologue. If that’s the case I’m sure that same person(s) will come back and read this today. It would be awesome if you got a shout-out on the show even if the staring contest doesn’t work out. But if it does, you can totally borrow my eye drops. I NEVER let the plastic nipple touch my eyeball. I SWEAR.

  63. Oh I have dry eye too! In fact, I just got back from the doctor office minutes ago, where I got a prescription for Valium, because my optometrist wants to plug up my tear ducts to keep my eyes from drying out and I refuse to let him do it. WTF? Anyway, I think once they’re plugged I can enter the staring contest circuit again…I will totally take Colbert down for you.

  64. ugh…this can not stand! Steven…stephen…uhhhh….that dude must pay!

    Must admit I love him….but rarely watch his show. I’m still awesome though right? 😉

  65. I am sure this has already been mentioned but I would feel like a bad librarian if I didn’t share this information (though I am obviously a lazy librarian for deciding not to read through the ten gajillion comments that seem to pop up in two seconds on every post you make) – anyhow! You might want to watch Big Train (I think it’s on Netflix, but if it’s not you can totally ILL it from the library) for very useful staring contest tips and tricks, as seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4KvX5jR_1w
    Actually, now that I see my link, you could just stay on YouTube and look at all the the Big Train staring contest clips. That would take less time, though you’d miss the other insane skits on the DVDs. However, since you’re training for staring contests, you probably do not need to see the evil hypnotist.

  66. Jenny!! It is imperative that when you go on his show, you bring the chupacabra death match scene with you! You place it on his desk and say only these words, “Don’t take this as a threat. YET.”

    He will tremble before you. You might even replace bears on the Threat Down list. Which is only fitting, because bears have none of the following: a giant-ass metal chicken that will CUT YOU, a monkey with leprosy of the face, a zombie cat with opposable thumbs, an imaginary found snake that hugs with its mouth, Wolf Blitzer, or … A chupacabra death match. Seriously, how are bears even ON the list?

  67. Hmmmm… all this cobbler talk and I thought austerity measures were such that you had to get your shoes mended. But that there are one per cent of people out there who own all the shoes fixing places… and that would be a shame indeed.

  68. So, these people who are taking you seriously: Can we mock them? Because they are such adorably mockable newbs.

    #occupycolbert #occupycobbler

  69. I don’t even have enough words to say how much I love this. A staring contest between Jenny and Stephen would be awesome.

    And seriously, I hope when your book comes out you get to be a guest on The Colbert Report. That would be one crazy-ass conversation I wouldn’t want to miss.

    P.S. That thing he does with his eyebrow? He can do it with both eyebrows. Like some kind of freaky eyebrow dance.

    P.P.S. “Never trust a guy with a silent T in his name.” Whoever said that above (sorry, too lazy to go back and look), I heart you. And I’m totally stealing it.

  70. Bears ARE the enemy. I think my grandmother would agree. In the 50s her 3 year old son was mauled to death by a bear in their yard. Not as cute and cuddly as they seem, are they? Think of the children Colbert!

  71. Honestly, I think the two of you might be like Luke and Leia…and separated so early on in life that you’ve forgotten. Or maybe just half-siblings. That wonky ear looks surprisingly Yoda-ish. I will bet that, unbeknownst to both of you, you are the offspring of Yoda. But being only half Yoda, you each have only one wonky ear.

    Watch out… you might be in a battle for the inheritance. Screw the rights to the religious postulation, get your lawyers on securing your share of Yoda’s estate.

  72. Considering the way my pants are currently fitting, I think I did a little too much #occupycobbler -ing this Thanksgiving.. But, as Colbert would say, I should not give-in to weightism. Long live cobbler! .. And Colbert!

  73. OMG I want to see you on his show. I think it would do WONDERS for his ratings (not that they weren’t great before, but how can his ratings NOT improve with YOU on?!). Please Please Please make it happen! 😀

  74. Oh dear how I am hoping this really will result in an invite to the show. You MUST take Beyonce and Wolfie with you! (Please, for us little people who love you… and metal chickens and wolf pelts.)

  75. I don’t think he stole your (Victor’s) joke – It’s clear now that you pointed out the ear – SC is channeling you… or perhaps he was reincarnated as you … before you were born… or maybe he’s you in another parallel dimension…

    But seriously… I have to take offense to this stereotyping of Bears… they’re not all dangerous… specially the wooden ones… 🙂

  76. When Colbert utters the words “hugging is like a strangle you haven’t finished” then you have a case…

  77. time for an updated ISWD picture, perhaps with Ferris Mewler doing a polydactyl jedi mind trick wave, or just generally flaunting his enormous hands, or, or holding a lightsabre with his opposable thumbs…attacking a bear, all whilst you look on sagely and slightly condescending…a thought before next May the Force

  78. I’m with XLMIC. His explanation totally convinced me. Also, wtf is cobbler?

    ~ Nat/Stupid Dane who doesn’t get English at all

  79. He should have you on to promote your book and to stare at. That is an episode that I would totally watch.

    I do think that it is time to be concerned. Colbert obviously has a time machine and upon being called out went back in time to try and show that it was first his joke.

  80. You’ve had so much stolen from your brain (blog) that I declare one day for “Talk Like Bloggess” where everything we say is stolen from you. And by stolen I mean dedicated back to you once a year. Thoughts?

  81. Bears can smell menstraution. I should know, I work in the woods for a living. And, it’s damn scary sometimes.

    You’ve outdone yourself on this one.

  82. Imitation is the highest form of flattery… Damn Jenny, people must worship you for all that they steal! First “Catvertising” and now Heaven’s A/C Bill? What’s next…?

  83. DAMN YOU, COLBERT!! I don’t really mean that, I love him (too) – but – on behalf of wonky-eared people, we cannot simply stand by and let this happen. I’ve got an 8 year old with a wonky ear that I’m sworn to protect. Of course, I did that by telling her that she was half elf, but who was I to know that she’d tell everyone at school that and then come home with a pocket full of Christmas wish lists that I’d never be able to deliver on. Yeah. Good luck, schmucks. They make TOYS in our workshop, not fucking PONIES. Anyway. Viva la wonky-eared. And screw you, Colbert (unless you get Jenny on the show, in which case, YOU ROCK).

  84. Evidently all those Hollywood types have run out of new things to say, and since you’re the only original content creator left, they’re all stealing from you. You should start getting royalties, or something.

    I want royalties. Or to be royalty. One of those.

  85. What if a bear has a wonky ear? Is it still our enemy or is it owned by Stephen Colbert? And if Stephen Colbert owns the wonky-eared bears, does that make Stephen Colbert our enemy??

  86. I’ve been out of the country for a while and for some reason I’ve been going to see cathedrals and so forth instead of watching Colbert. Now I have a good reason for not watching that plagiarizing SOB.

  87. “I’m so anti-period that the whole book is just one long run-on sentence.”

    I am SO finding a way to use this line! Though, I will probably alter it to something like “Jenny’s so anti-period that her whole book is probably just one long run-on sentence.”

    ~EdT.

  88. So that plagiarizer Colbert stole your joke months before you even shared it AND your ear… the evil lawyers from Portlandia claimed ownership of all birds and restrained you from putting them on stuff… as JessicaZombie reminded us in comment 20 above, some ad agency swiped your catvertising idea.

    Is nothing safe? You’re gonna need a good lawyer. Maybe a team of them. And lots of sandwiches, so I’d suggest starting out by finding a good sandwich maker. What kind of sandwiches do lawyer teams like?

  89. Is it sad that any tie I hear random statements that even REMOTELY resemble something I read on your blog…my first thought is…theBloggess is sooooo not gonna like THIS copycat!

  90. …One more I forgot: Someone keeps stealing your signs. Like the one about the rattlesnake you found. And the one about the sign about the rattlesnake. Etc…

    Add that to the growing list of lawsuits.

  91. Wow! What drugs are you one today? That was almost the hardest blog to follow to date.
    I think the only think I got out of this blog is to learn that bears are the enemy. I have long suspected them, but was never able to confirm such.

  92. I wouldn’t be surprised if Stephen Colbert was the one who stole Stella’s groove.

    And the reason why they don’t sell Cherry Coke in Canada.

  93. This one time we were camping and we woke up hearing rustling and of course we determined that we were under attack by bears. Then the bear said “MOO, motherfuckers” [I may or may not have added the “motherfucker” part] and we left the tent to find an escapee cow (or a bear in an extremely life-like cow costume) hanging out enjoying what was left of our campfire.

    I think I need another glass of wine. Or maybe I should slow down. I’ve always had trouble telling the difference between the two.

  94. Colbert is a meta joke-stealer! That’s a dangerous game he’s playing. But I would love to see a stare-down between you two. Or a sarcastic-eyebrow-off.

  95. OMB! Colbert + Bloggess = Heaven (air conditioned, of course)

    WTF, commenters who don’t know who Stephen Colbert is? Have you been living under a rock? Were you born in a barn? Are you Jesus? (Google this: Stephen Colbert Bush arranging deck chairs on the Hindenberg, ‘K?)

    I can’t wait for the staring contest in which you wear Wolf Blitzer! I love you both so much, I won’t know who to root for. That would give YOU the Colbert Bump and it would give Stephen a show of relevance.

    You really should carry a video camera around with you so when a religious stranger is accompanying you home from the hospital and you are being hil-fucking-larious, you can get it all on tape. Maybe Nightline would use the footage.

  96. Bears.Those furry fuckers have to be stopped. Here in PA a couple was attacked by a black bear in their own living room. When they opened the front door to let their dog in that asshole bear walked right in and shit got real.

  97. Bears
    everywhere
    beware: The Bloggess
    shares an
    affair with
    Colbert and
    they’re gonna
    declare to
    ensnare you
    fair and
    square! So
    THERE.

  98. I think you should be given a show. They shall call it “The Jenny Show: Prepare to Copy Me”, or maybe “The Jenny Report: Down with Colbert”

    Both are awesome

  99. Holy Shit. Screw Colbert (and who wouldn’t with that awesomely sexy ear?), I can’t get past the fact you married a Republican. I married a Raiders fan, so we are like blood sisters. I don’t know how you do it. I struggle as well-I just found out my husband eats bubble tape like a big montrous….um….monster. Without unrolling it. I found a pic on pinterest about it, and I was like, OMG, how can people do that? And he was all, What, I do that. I don’t even know who he is anymore….
    http://pinterest.com/pin/10766486578773473/

  100. Earlier this year I saw a billboard for a new tv show, and it was totally using a joke I made on my blog. And I was like, “Holy eff Ryan, they stole my joke.” And my husband was all, “First, I’ve asked you countless times not to punch me while I’m driving and second I would think you’d be rejoicing that anyone even reads your blog.”

    He is SUCH a jerk sometimes. If I had any cobbler he would probably eat it all just to spite me.

  101. I love your dialogue with Victor. He has to write a book on how a man can keep his dignity and still love his wife. My new hero. Victor for president and the first lady will finally get her own TV show.

  102. I’m not sure you’re fully considering the implication of this: Stephen Colbert is not only stealing jokes from Stephen Colbert, he’s also FRAMING YOU FOR THE CRIME.

  103. My wife has had a wonky ear for 58 years. She gave it to our son. And now he has become a jazz musician. If he soon becomes a bear, what is a father to do? Mr. Colbert? Jenny? Wolf? Beyonce? Helloooooo?

  104. So, do you think that just maybe you saw the show way back and it came to mind during your altercation with the stranger?

    Memories work in crazy ways.

  105. Wow, famous people really have it out for you. Will you seek revenge when you become famous? No, better idea. Be very forgiving in a backhanded kind of way, so you look awesome and they look like assholes.

  106. Finally, an “Occupy” movement that doesn’t require camping in a tent on a sidewalk. I’m more of a Glamper than a camper so that just wouldn’t work for me.

    Count me in.

  107. I’m pretty sure that Colbert (or Cobbler) is working undercover with squirrels to take over the world. So wonky ear or not, you’ll need many many more bears. And maybe some Lemurs. Because Bears and Lemurs working together = an unstoppable army.

  108. OK, I don’t know if it has been said yet, but if you go on the Colbert Report, and if you wear your Wolf suit, then is not the most obvious second guest Stephanie Meyer? But of course she must have no warning you are there, and be out as first guest, then you come cruising out in your Wolf and enter straight into the staring contest … *wow …*

  109. Speaking of bears….

    I found this and immediately thought of you. It’s a bear you can wear! It’s swanky art! And apparently a sleeping bag! Triple whammy if you ask me! You can pretend you’re a sleeping bear or you can pretend your being eaten by a bear. Come to think of it, that may be the ultimate friend test. Now, if only we can convince the artist to post a step-by-step (with pictures) DIY so we can post it to pinterest and pretend we’re going to make the bear because we’re crafty like that but we’re really not. Enjoy.

    http://eikoishizawa.com/index.php?/project/the-great-sleeping-bear/ .

  110. You crack me up like no other. I still would like you to sue. Coolest. Lawsuit. Ever.
    Also, are we doing the bloggess christmas miracle again this year? I know it TOTALLY took over your life and stressed you out beyond belief (and possibly gave you an ulcer and/or cancer). BUT I’m having a crappy month and I feel like doin’ some good. I bet we could deligate and take some of the pressure off of you. Is this possible???? 🙂

  111. “You can’t trademark ears.” Really? Tell it to Disney! Better yet, maybe it is time for some merchandise showing Beyonce with Mouse Ears! I would love that. Heck, I might even buy that stuff!

  112. I think you should start a petition to make Colbert stickytape his ear back while filming. The world isn’t big enough for two wonky ears.

  113. Oh, Stephen. Well, Bloggess, here’s what I think. I think you need to get on that show and do the stare off (of course), win, be invited back to promote your book, become besties with Stephen and his wife, then become besties with Amy Sedaris, then besties with David Sedaris and then finagle an invitation to *his* home in England – while Stephen and wife and Amy are also visiting of course and then you will have won at life. That’s what I think. I remember reading an article in the 90’s about a dinner party that included Courtney Love, Madonna, and Donatella Versace (among others, I suppose). I believe the article was in Rolling Stone. Shit, remember reading that magazine? Anyway, your awesome dinner party would be the not evil version of that. Which is totally winning. Winning! You’re on your way!

  114. Thank you for having a wonky ear. My husband has long claimed that wonky isn’t a word, and now I can prove to him that it is…kind of.

  115. Listen, you cannot make me choose between you and Colbert. It’s like choosing which parent you love most. Or trying to decide if you’d rather slam doors and open windows with God or play XBox 360 with Jesus in his room. Okay, that one isn’t such a hard decision. A lot of people got pepper sprayed on Friday for that XBox, so you know it’s fun.

  116. OMG, Jenny, you may have done it! You may actually have uncovered the true identity of Stephen Colbert! If he is taking body parts and selling them on the black market, then clearly, he’s the reincarnation of Chaucer’s Pardoner, selling false holy relics. Your nose is probably going for about a million dollars as the nose of Mary Magdalene, in his effort to keep you from sniffing out this secret! You’d better check Ebay, STAT, to see if your nose is listed yet. You just might be able to barter for that, too, with your Jedi bartering skills…!

  117. I know you suffer from depression and R arthritis, but do you also have Sjogrens Syndrome? You mentioned the dry eyes. My mom has Sjogrens, and I know all those auto immune diseases kinda run together. I know how debilitating it is, you are in my prayers!

  118. Hey?! Wait a minute…so how do I know that’s not you posing in a bear costume, Ms. “Team Jacob”? My mother always told me NOT to trust people in wolf clothing.

    EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!!

  119. Scratch that…it was people dressed up like sheep. So, {whew} I guess we’re still good.

    But, I’m on my guard now so… o_o

  120. You on the Cobbler Report may be the best thing ever. I would watch that show five times, disguising myself differently each time so that the people in the TV think I’m someone else. (That’s the only way to increase ratings, ya know.)

  121. I now have more knowledge about Stephen Colbert than I ever thought I would. But I like it. You’re clever wittiness (if that’s even vaguely a word), has stolen my heart yet again.

  122. The Mads also said the God opens a window quote in Season 2 Episode 8 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (the “rock climbing” episode).

  123. Just when I think my heart could not be more full of love, I read this. I’m gonna need a bigger heart. Or maybe just a good set of tupperware in which to keep the extra love.

  124. Hmmmm… perhaps you are a clone of him, but one that they had to use an X Chromosome for to replace a defective Y one (just like Wolverine and Laura X-23!) Or maybe he’s your clone, made with Y chromosome to make up for a defective X one and then sent back in time to be born a few years earlier.!!!

  125. Oh NO, he did-unt! Hold my earrings girlfriend, this is fixin to get UGLY!!!!

    (Hasn’t he ever heard of “Jose Who?”

  126. Are you even sure that it’s God opening the windows? I mean when you close a door you are usually trying to keep the outside, um, OUTSIDE. So maybe it’s actually the devil just messing with God by sneaking around and opening windows and wasting all the air conditioning. It sounds like something he would do, right? At least I think so. But what do I know, I’m just some heathen pagan that prefers to open and close my own doors and windows

  127. “Brenna November 30, 2011 at 9:29 am
    You know you’ve made it when Stephen Colbert steals your idea and puts in on television. Isn’t that how the saying goes?
    Brenna recently posted..Help! I’m falling!”

    Actually, Brenna, I’m pretty sure the saying is “You know you’ve ‘made it’ when your head is on a Pex Dispenser.” I will be the first in line to get one with Jenny’s head in the towel with the cat on top. Hey Jenny, does Zazzle do Pex dispensers? (This idea is officially copyrighted by Susan D. on 12/1/2011.) Actually, just kidding, it is officially my Christmas gift to you. Unless it generates hoo-boodles of royalties. Then I want a dollar with your signature on it that says “To my dear friend, Susan, whose idea made me hoo-boodles of these.)

  128. Re: #234, um that’s supposed to be Pez dispensers. I jest donn no wuts ben hapnin to my redin an ritin skilz latly. Sorry.

  129. I want to hug you and love you and poke Victor in the eye and then hug you some more and then cook you some bacon because I think you are even cooler than Colbert.
    word.

  130. The ear, the eyebrows MY GOD WOMAN Stephen Colbert is your father….don’t tell your father!!!!!

  131. All of this was glorious, particularly the OccupyCobbler statement. I can’t wait for the stare down. And how dare he steal your wonky ear.

  132. I saw a metal chicken statue at Pier One the other day and confused the crap out of my friend when I insisted on taking a picture of it. ‘Bloggess would love this!!’ ‘Who’s Bloggess?’ ‘Oh, she’s like Mother Teresa, only better’… ‘you are deranged, you realize this?’ So then, I had to explain about Beyonce and suddenly I’m now getting spam for Prozac, and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

  133. I am shocked that my beloved Mr. Colbert (mostly because I’m pretty sure it’s a law in my town to love him…since he’s from here) would steal not only your jokes and your ear, but steal his own jokes as well. It’s an outrage!

    Now that he’s been exposed…I’m sure he’ll happily invite you to sit at his desk for a staring contest. How could he not?

  134. omg. I have a wonky ear too… the same ear as both of you… i thought i was all alone. I wonder whether anyone wicked also has my “iny-outy” belly button.

  135. I’m not reading thru 200 gazillion posts to see if anyone else pointed this out, but you’ll never get a response from Colbert without referring to him as Dr. Colbert.

  136. Why does everyone blindly pick on the bears when there unbathed pirates to be dealt with!You people should be ashamed.

  137. Can you deduct a new sofa as a work expense? Cause I totally just ruined mine by peeing on it while giggling at your “Colbert” Saga. (or should I say “Col-Bear??).
    So, yeah, um, totally gonna need you to replace my sofa.

  138. Colbert needs a smack down.. I think he’s WAAAY overdue and if he gets too snarky you can always hand him over to Copernicus.. I’m sure he’d have a field day with that guy…

  139. Wait. My 4-month-old son has the same wonky ear. Are you the mother of my child? How did that happen?

    And I totally did not know that you could get sued for stealing jokes. What the fuck am I going to do now, make up my own?

    That is all.

  140. Whatever. It’s so much more fun to think he stole it from you. AND I would LOVE to see you on the show. You might have to do something political though. You should consider claiming you banged Herman Cain. Until then, I’m gonna try @ mentioning him with a link to this blog post. Although, he may be scared you will out funny him.

  141. I think you owe Stephen Colbert an apology for stealing his joke. You even documented that he used it back in 2010, and the blog entry you referenced was from two weeks ago.

    And by the way, there are no windows in heaven. Someone would have to wash them, and if you’re washing windows in heaven then, really, you’re in hell.

  142. I think things like this are usually pretty hazy, and it’s hard to call plagiarism. That’s a funny line, but I could see two people coming up with it at once. One sure way to know that they’re stealing your jokes on Comedy Central, however, is when they actually call you up before hand to talk about it and say that they’re going to steal your joke. Then do. Sorry for the self-link, but it’s apropos here.
    http://www.putthatshitonthelist.com/2011/09/get-me-im-writer-for-daily-show.html

  143. Here’s a thought…..wear Copernicus on your shoulder for the staredown. Unless such monkey business would be considered cheating.

    P.S. I REALLY want teeny tiny Beyonce chicken earrings for Christmas. For pierced ears, please. I would wear them ALL the time. I promise. And a matching necklace that actually crowed—–that would be awesome. Again, that idea is my gift to you. But I still want that autographed dollar from you if this idea makes you a gazillion dollars. I’m just sayin…..

  144. This is EXACTLY like the time I thought we should disband all political parties, lower the drinking age and….oh….wait….never mind…

  145. You are married to a staunch republican?
    Victor is a staunch republican??
    This is probably the most shocking things I have ever read here.

  146. I had an idea, but then I thought about it and somebody else probably had it already and if they didn’t, they’d get cops to say I stole their idea that was really mine that I had, so I’m gonna keep it to myself, but you’re funny.

  147. OMFG, well that’s what I screamed across my house when I saw your wonky ear (then got yelled at by my husband and children for cursing). I have a wonky ear. The same wonky ear on the same side of my head. My wonky ear is hereditary. My grandfateher, had it, as does my mother, and now thanks to my wonky ear DNA my daughter has it too. I have always loved my wonky ear. It’s cute, and well I thought it was unique and special, but i guess it still is because I have the same ear as you and Colbert. WOW. My ear is a celebrity. When my grandfather was a boy his mother didn’t like the ear, so she would tape a quarter to it and try to make it less wonky looking. Needless to say, the wonky ear prevailed, and left its mark stomping through the DNA and making generations of wonky eared people.

  148. You have a really bad track record with celebrities…we need to make a PSA:

    “STOP FUCKING WITH THE BLOGGESS OR SHE WILL STAB YOU….or challenge you to a staring contest…WHICHEVER SCARES YOU MORE”

  149. I’m cracking up about occupycobbler. Also laughing about the a/c conversation. Sounds like the kind of conversation we have in my family…on Christmas. We have our eternal hot seats reserved already.

  150. Jeeeezuz Christo…between babies wielding cleavers and now this, you are right, no one is safe! And I look forward to your spotlight on “To Catch a Predator.” I bet William Shatner framed you.

  151. OMG!! Something must be done. My wife and I are also victims of Mr. Colbert’s wonky ear tyranny{tearanny?). We both have wonky ears too. Our enemy isn’t bears though, it’s teenage girls, bears, or wolves, or in a perfect world, both, would be welcomed here. you know, if they would take the teenage girls when they left.

  152. For the record, you stole the whole “were you born in a barn” from an early 90’s (or possibly late 80’s) bit by comedian Emo Phillips. Or at least he came up with it about 20 years earlier than you 😀 If you’re gonna do it, then do it from the best though 🙂

  153. I can’t stop forwarding your post about When God Closes a Door He Opens a Window. That is some funny shit!!! You kill me!!

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