God and Jesus. It’s like when your parents get on Facebook.

And…..that just made me fall out of my chair laughing. It’s better than when a religious person accosts me outside of walmart and asks if I’ve found Jesus. I always looked panicked and whisper “You lost him? Have you checked under the sofa?”

You guys have found the best way to counter religious preachers. Respect.

Belly B
Belly B recently posted..Cupcakes & Brownies Baked in REAL EGGSHELLS

Oh, this dude is praying for your lost souls right now as I type this. I bet he thinks the Apocalypse is nigh.

You both did the right thing.
Eva recently posted..It’s a Christmas Miracle!

I can’t believe I am the first person to comment on this. I know this won’t win me any brownie points, but I think Viktor deserves some for being on board with this one. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have brought much to the table (except frustration) so way to be with the ball, Viktor!

I love you. Also, I’m so glad I don’t pay my electric bill. Thanks, roommates*

*mom and dad
Angie recently posted..Vision In White

I bet religious people love it when you can work the words “shit” and “Jesus” into the same sentence.
Janel recently posted..Things Bella Has Done That Scared the Crap Out of Me

This makes me think of the fake fight Mr. Sandwich and I once had in Costco.
Tragic Sandwich recently posted..Is It Just Me? Or Is This Ludicrous?

And that’s why you and Victor are meant to be together. Totally awesome.
Brenna recently posted..Options

I’m loving Victor’s role in this conversation. Also, because of your use of all caps, he has the same imaginary voice I have made for you in my head.
Amanda recently posted..(not really a secret) Surprise Green Day Concert at Red 7

I love the idea that you and Victor sit around developing riffs on commonly used but and unhelpful phrases so then when somebody lays one on you you guys just GO. TO. TOWN.

You may claim that’s not what happened, but in my head it totally did.
Alexis recently posted..Safe Baby Sleep or Hatchet Job?

This is delicious. I want to be you and Victor so hard right now. Note: Be you, not do you, although I’m sure you’re lovely people.
Maxine Dangerous recently posted..Squeezy cheese, yes. Peas, no.

Best religion discussion I heard all week! Even God sometimes gets annoyed with his kid:-).
Lauren@MommyBreakdown recently posted..Winter Coats Can Reduce Car Seat Safety

You know, I kind of want Christmas cards with some elaboration the “born in a barn” line on them. But then I’d mail them out and half of my friends and family wouldn’t talk to me anymore.

One of my friends was at a shopping area down in Kansas City when he was accosted by a street evangelist, which is pretty common down there. Said evangelist was shouting at him, “do you KNOW where you are going when you DIE?!” (emphasis his, not mine.)
Chris, who is a very soft-spoken, unassuming gentleman, turns around, and says, just loud enough for the evangelist to hear, “um… Pittsburgh, I think.”

Definitely my response of choice now.
Morgan recently posted..Hello world!

I will definately have to remeber that. Also? Have my power bill sent to the nearest church.
Cassie recently posted..20 little bags for LaFASA

I wanna ride home with you and Victor. That religious dude had no idea how lucky he was. Figures.

I love you and I love Victor. And I wish all religious people could be stunned into silence…permanently. Can you two work on that?

PS: Glad you’re feeling better. Hugs from San Francisco.

This is exactly how I figured you and Victor talk with each other.
Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted..Autumn & Donating Organs

That just makes me so happy. You have no idea.

Can you imagine the poor religious stranger’s conversation when he got home that night about the two crazies he met who wouldn’t stop talking about the window and the door?
Deidre recently posted..NaBloPoMo Day 17: Signed, Sealed, Hopefully Delivered soon.

You would have a freaking field day in North Carolina. Specifically Gastonia. That is not a stomach disease, it only plays one on the TayVay.
Jessica recently posted..C**try Living

My mom always used the line ‘were you born in a barn?’, and when I was about 15 I realized I could say ‘Nope, but Jesus was.’ This was a revelation to me. My mother didn’t find it quite as amusing.
Emily S. recently posted..Thursday afternoons in November

I love this so hard. Especially when it was Victor that started it all! Is it bad of me that I hope the religious guy never hears that phrase again without thinking of you guys?!
Melbourne on my mind recently posted..Boston to Colorado – the "a boob grope and a wedding" edition

See? http://twitter.com/#!/KatiesPickles/status/134849720865660928
told ya.
Katie recently posted..Farwell To Fat Week 1 & 2

If they ever find a way to make more Victors…I will put in an order. For at least 4 of him. Not all for me of course, I have friends who need one too…

Thanks for the laugh!!
The Redneck Princess recently posted..I should have been a porn star…

Ah man I NEVER get interesting crazy people accosting me any more. Delawarians just don’t bring the crazy apparently. You guys have all the fun *mope*
Reneesance recently posted..Vintage 1940s Pink and White Cotton Ruffled Floral Blouse Plus Size 44 B

Victor started it
…wait…
VICTOR STARTED IT?!
Awww – You must just fall in love with him all over again when he makes such insightful (inciteful perhaps) comments to strangers…

and if I would’ve had a drink in my mouth, I would’ve spit it out all over my laptop… ROFLMFAO
Monica recently posted..What’s Been Up with My Exercise?

Thank you for making me spit my drink all over my keyboard.

You had me at burning Jesus.

You and Victor were obviously made for each other. That – or whatever it is you’ve got is catching.
Sayre recently posted..Time for a Change

Im going to print this and send to family who don’t have the Internet. Funniest damn thing I’ve seen all week.
Graylin Fox recently posted..Dragons, Goblins, Elves, and the Apocalypse.

I’m pretty sure even Jesus would laugh at that.
Jaime recently posted..Germans love boobies. It’s in their Constitution.

You and Xanax make my life livable.

So funny! One of my favorite expressions is “when God closes a door, he also breaks a window.”

Stop right here for a second darlin’ I think, I truly think that Victor HAS a great sense of humor. Hmmm, wasn’t expecting that. Jenny, have you been withholding information?
Laurie F. recently posted..Haiku Heights – OBSESSION

According to my wife, the expression is, “Raised in a barn BY WOLVES.”

We have an elderly customer at work who ends every conversation by asking “Have you talked to Jesus?” None of us have but to save an hour on the phone, we all just say yes. He got me good one day. I was waiting for him to ask if I had spoken to Jesus and instead he said “I talked to someone today who really likes you guys.” I asked him who it was. Since we work in sales I expected him to say it was a mutual customer or friend. Instead he said “Jesus!” OK, he got me good. Touche old man. Touche…..

Were you actually talking to him, or did he horn in on your conversation after eavesdropping?

Also, what is God’s deal? Is he obsessed with fresh air? Is he claustrophobic? Or does he just like opening and closing things? God has some form of OCD, it seems. Next time, I think I’d mention the amount of windows on a plane and His proclivity for opening things. Then note how far from the emergency exit you are.
Dawne recently posted..I can’t believe I’m actually saying this…

After some of the posts I’ve read, I was beginning to wonder if Victor had a sense of humor. I mean, it didn’t seem likely that someone as “furiously happy” as yourself would have married someone without a sense of humor, but hey, given that there’s is a mongoose-cobra-death-match piece of taxidermy in the world, stranger things have, in fact, happened. This exchange, however, shows how great you guys work together as a team. Clearly, you wouldn’t have stayed married through all the crap you’ve had to deal with were that not the case. Kudos to y’all on your freakishly functional marriage.

Also, OMGROFLMAO!!! You guys managed to flabbergast and confuse a religious nerd! You win The Internets!

Best comeback to a conversation about religion EVER.
Courtney recently posted..Bad to the bone.

Just today, my 8yo son started explaining to me that it didn’t snow because God has a vicious sense of humor, it snowed because God was crying and the tears turned into snowflakes. I turned to him and in my most serious voice demanded “What did you do to make God cry??”

I would so have loved to have this conversation on my 10 hour flight from Hawaii. Stunned silence is golden.
Karen Hawks recently posted..‘Sup Foo?

You two are so awesome.

So, I actually believe in God AND Jesus.

1) I say ‘shit’ all the time. If that’s what’s going to get me sent to hell, well, oops.
2) This is funny. God has a sense of humor. I mean, look around. He HAS to.
3) I would have LOVED to have been sitting next to you guys and said, “I wonder if heaven is drafty?”
Karen recently posted..My Tempurpedic Mattress – it still sucks. For me.

Apparently I love !’s I’m going to go take my blood pressure meds now.
A Morning Grouch recently posted..Lucky 7′s

One more thing to love about you. You’re into blasphemous fun.
Kelly O’Sullivan recently posted..Blog Love: Year Without

This has got to be the best thing I’ve seen on the net in weeks!
You are my hero! I can’t beleive I didn’t discover you sooner!

Fantastic! Laughed my ass off!

You guys seem adorably on the same page about this.

Given your perspective, you may well like Gods Playing Poker:

http://www.gppcomic.com/2007/10/04/4/

Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Mohammed, Quetzalcoatl, and Cthulhu have a weekly poker game.

You are the queen of the quick response and I salute you. I wish my quips were as entertaining as yours.

totally off topic…but who is Will Wheaton? is he famous for collating? did he make collating famous? WHY IS STACKING PAPERS SO AWESOME? sorry. hormone flux.

i love the banter between you and your husband. banter is my gold standard for whether a guy stands a chance with me.

p.s. maybe it’s me…but most guys are totally inadequate in the..you know…banter department. you are soooo lucky.

Aw, man. That was hilarious. Thank you.
Stephanie recently posted..Pete and Repeat Were on a Boat…

p.s.s
hormones have calmed down. i re-read the Will Wheaton collating-paper-thing. Hilarious. Collating paper just became my new favorite sport.

Letting Jesus’ cat out…dying. I love it.
Mrs. D-Zo recently posted..Hippie Membership Cancelled

Yes! I love how much you make me laugh every week. I always just look at the nuts funny and say “We’re Catholic.” They don’t even attempt to talk to us after that.

The sign of a good partnership/marriage is the ability to feed off each other and totally mindf**k strangers. Love it! respect!

You and Victor were made for each other.
Becky Mochaface recently posted..Meeting My Future

Omigosh! Now I’m anxiously looking for someone to share this post with. Someone who’ll laugh and not be offended…because I’m totally surrounded by that man’s kin.

Even my self-righteous, devout Catholic mother would’ve laughed at that.
Teresa recently posted..Albert, the Highly Intelligent Kitten with Questionable Morals

As an extremely irreverent Christian, I happen to think that God probably thinks you’re HILARIOUS! Seriously. I spit out my water I was laughing so hard.
brokensaint recently posted..I Think It’s Better, and Then…

I LIVE for those conversations.
Sincerely,
a recovering catholic
notmoody recently posted..45 Days until Christmas, since you asked

omg I love this… you and victor are such a fantastic match… i would love to have watched this conversation haha
Lynn Lovejoy recently posted..Pumpkin Pie Cocktail

You wouldn’t have to think it out. It’s perfectly logical.
Spilling Ink recently posted..Intrinsic value

A distant cousin of mine got into a bad car accident, and one of my relatives was giving updates on Facebook. Someone posted that God made her have that accident so she could testify to his glory in sparing her. WTF? Why would you worship such a sadistic Deity?

I absolutely love this conversation. I wish I’d said something so clever and awesome to the lady on Facebook.

Um…what door, exactly, did God close? The one that keeps your ovaries from trying to kill you?

This is why man and woman were meant to be together! Literally LOL! Amen to y’all!

And Mary would be all, “You guys can yell at each other until you’re blue in the face, KILL each other for all I care. Just keep me out of it.” *takes a long drink of her wine followed by a drag from her cigarette.*
Brian recently posted..And this is why.

*standing ovation*

I think that’s all that needs to be said.

Every time I hear that bit about God never closing a door without opening a window, I can’t help but think that in all the artistic representations I’ve seen of Heaven, there are never any doors or windows.
kate recently posted..if you ask me [and you probably shouldn't]

I just found you and I love you. You remind me of my daughters. I have spread the word in my limited world about you.

I hate it when people keep saying everything that happens to you (good or bad) is for a purpose. (Keep in mind, I’m Catholic) What happened to God giving us free will? It’s like people skim over a certain part of the Bible. Speaking of which, I had no idea that Jesus had a cat. XD I’m such a bad Catholic for not knowing that.

Oh thank god, you successfully nullified one more idiot that starts preaching to strangers when they are held captive in planes.

Bless you

*Sigh* I heart you and Victor.

not all religious people say stupid shit like that…SOME religious people–even the preacher kind–read the bloggess and think she’s badass. and are sorry that she was in the hospital, but don’t think that God put her there. for punishment or otherwise.
glad you are better!

I really appreciate reading that Victor, in fact, occasionally joins in your hijinks! It must be lovely when he does.

And really, the Religious Person could have taken it less well.
Jen recently posted..Vote for the Doberman Assistance Network!

These are the type of people who almost pushed me out of my church. But as if to say “stand by for demonstration of My sense of Humor” Jesus just pushed this Bloggess fan into going back.

I think what I find the funniest about each article you write is everything you talk about, I see myself doing as well – totally meant in the most non-creepy way possible. I am unable to put into words how alike what you talk about and the way you talk/write is similar to me.

Except for the thing about the missing snake. I’m not sure I would have thought to pull that off. Maybe it’s just the stuff you do to Victor to get him going, is very similar to what I put my boyfriend through.

That, and did I mention my boyfriend’s name is actually Victor. I had him come to your blog to read your post on the conversation about sniffing eyeballs with your Victor in the car. *My* Victor thought this was my “secret” blog (year…right), except he thought I fabricated things for the sake of page hits and humor. I don’t understand why he thinks I would have to do that, when I have him for perfectly good material, if I were even blogging.

Very funny stuff – Just sayin’.

As a minister’s daughter who has frequently endured “well-meaning” religious people, this made feel so vindicated. Where were you when I was stuck in Jesus Camp as a kid??
Jess recently posted..Overactive imagination

This is almost as good as my friend answering the knock of Jehovah’s Witnesses in the nude. True story.
Carri recently posted..Toby Keith Can Shove a Red Solo Cup Up His Hillbilly Pie Hole

wow, wonder how a convo between me and the religious dude would have gone, being a (chosen) person i’d be all like, do god and jesus even know each other? when did they become roomates? what’s going on? and who keeps opening the godamned window? and stop slamming the door!
Anna ~ Random Handprints recently posted..Being Thankful

It seems terribly inefficient for God to open a window while simultaneously closing the door. It would make much more sense to simply walk out the way you came in. The only reason you wouldn’t do that is if there were some sort of danger on the other side. Like if there was a fire on the other side of the door. Then you’d be really thankful that you had a window to go out of. Unless you were on the 10th story and there was no fire escape. Then you’d have to decide between jumping or dying in a raging inferno. Which seems like a terribly cruel choice to have to make. And you’d probably be thinking, “That was a real dickish thing to leave a door open only to close it and set a fire on the other side. It like you think this is an episode of Criminal Minds.” So then, of course faced with the decision between the fire and the pavement, you’ll jump because we’ve all seen burn victims and god bless em, but that shit looks like it hurt like a bitchy-bitch. Then you hit the ground and your bones splinter and you wake up and a fireman is carrying you to an ambulance. And you asked God “Why??? Where were you?? And She says, I was carrying you the whole time.”

And that’s when you realize that God is a arson-setting fireman. I’m not sure if this is an appropriate comment.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I <3 you and Victor. And I can't wait for your book to arrive on my doorstep.

There is a whole body of literature devoted to just such conversations…it’s called Midrash. You’re very good at it. I think you captured the relationship perfectly.

http://midrashstateofmind.blogspot.com/
Sj recently posted..Not Just For Right Wing Irregulars

Just MAYBE your conversation with this religious *hole has convinced him that God is shutting the door on his lame and unBiblical tag lines. I’m sick of apologizing for offensive Christians.

Ah. The Biblical version of Cheer Up. I appreciate you labeling him “well-meaning”. At least he did’t use my 2 least favorite Church Words: Victory, and Edifying. He didn’t did he?
Heather recently posted..Get a hairdo, woman.

How come when I try this, someone always starts crying?
Mrs Stoat recently posted..Chapter 6: Damned If You Do

This is way better than hitting religious people over the head with a Darwin fish! Also less likely to end in a law suit.

Re Jehovah’s Witnesses: I’ve found that inviting them in for tea and talking to them about Buddhism and reincarnation whilst playing obscure electronic music also works. They NEVER come back.

PS: That religious person was probably stunned because he was so not used being around intelligent people. (It’s statistically verified, people!)
Andreas Heinakroon recently posted..The moral code

I think I actually died laughing!

Hilarious. I’ve been thinking about Mary and how she was a MOM and didn’t know her baby was the son of God or God Hisownself. And it’s not like us moms never tried to sleep a few extra winks while the baby cried and we rolled our eyes and ignored him/her because we were perhaps a little selfish and exhausted thinking, “I hope that thing just dies” even though we didn’t mean it really at all, but then you find out it was GOD or His SON and- DOH! *Cringe*
GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted..Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon

I thought Beyonce was my favorite post, but this one is. ( It’s like when the holy roller came to my door and started his spiel. I interrupt : I’m jewish. Said he: well do the Jews have a bible? I could have used some stunned silence. I mean, on his part, not mine.)

So,….I see you’ve met my dad. Isn’t he a hoot?
Kristi recently posted..the my memories review and giveaway- t.r.m. style

Oh wow, that’s just perfect. You guys are awesome.

I’m pretty sure God and Jesus have never had to open a window or a door or pump their own gas. Just sayin’
kim recently posted..be gone, evil Christmas!

Yeah… as an exceptionally snarky Episcopalian, can I say… YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO. People who encounter my particular parish for the first time, especially if they show up for choir events, are SO confused (and occasionally aghast) at the number of sheep jokes that we tell.
Jennie Palmer recently posted..A Test Balloon of Snarkiness

I betcha Jesus and God love this sorta thing. I bet they also have cats. Because if you don’t have cats…you’re just not cool. And you HAVE to be cool if you’re Jesus or God.
Lesley recently posted..Fairy Tales: The Evil Queen

This was great. It’s even better than when you two just go back & forth between with each other.

The only way to get annoying people to shut up is to be even more annoying. This works for crazy people. With stupid people there is no defense.
Jim Murrey recently posted..Folktales, mythology and folklore.

LMFA off and reminded me of a similar encounter I had a couple of months ago outside my rail station, that went like this;
I was walking from the station to the office last week when I was approached by a gentleman who attempted to give me a leaflet on GOD and Christian values and he stood in front of me in an attempt to stop my progress. As I was on my way into work and did not want to be engaged in this I asked if GOD would give me a ‘late note’.
A few days and a weekend later he was back at it yesterday morning and I couldn’t help pointing out that he was probably in the wrong location as people were either rushing for a train or rushing from the train to work!
He pointed out that I could read it in my own time, I asked if it was available on Kindle to download!!!!
He looked at me strangely and then 25 minutes later I happened to look up from my desk and who should I see on the CCTV at the front desk, you guessed, same chap. Had he followed me , has GOD finally got a plan for me, I couldn’t ask though as he soon disappeared out the door.
I asked Sharon what the chap wanted who had just left, she replied, ” He said he wanted to visit the tenants to discuss Christian values and I told him that in fairness to him I wont allow you to do that as the Devil [me she is referring to - P45 [dismissal note] or what] is on the 3rd floor and he hates cold callers, he gave me a funny look and left”

Again, I ask, ‘Is it me?’
Tom Stronach recently posted..Sex in a Brothel – Scottish Style

Amazing. I can’t remember the last time a religious zealot tried to accost me; I walk past them in the street and they avoid making eye contact. That kind of thing could make a girl paranoid…
Sarah Rooftops recently posted..On the Buses

Maybe we should apply this literal sense to the whole Bible. Maybe. It would make a cool sitcom.

I get a kick out of the theists on here are slamming the nut who accosted you as if their beliefs are any more sane.
MarkNS recently posted..Grumpy Old Man

girl, you and Victor need to come to Australia and go out to dinner with MPS and I.

We can entertain ourselves with conversations much like this and then live blog peoples heads blowing clean off.

Twould be awesome.

Twould is a word. Shakespeare said it. He totally did.

If this verbal exchange with you and Victor bouncing off each other doesn’t prove that you two are a match made in heaven then I don’t know what does.
Marge recently posted..Vintage 1950s Sultry Black Sequin Sleeveless Top B32 W28 Size S

I. Love. You.

Those people who point out to TOTAL STRANGERS that everything happens for a reason drive me bonkers!! I believe it in some cases, but I would never talk to random strangers about it. I also don’t care for ultra religious people. I soooooooo need you two with me the next time I get into a conversation with one!!

I have heard the word of God. It’s ‘spelunking’.

Spelunking.
Teresa recently posted..This could be exciting, if you have a low threshold for excitment.

Holy fuck. That may have been one of the funniest exchanges ever. And one hell of an uncomfortable silence after. I’m still laughing.

Who knew Victor could give as well as he could get.
Gates recently posted..We’re gay, we have candles out the wazoo.

let’s just hope God and Jesus have a sense of humor.
Goradde recently posted..One hot day.

God walks around with his head in the clouds, no consideration for humanly a/c bills. I’m sure that was the reason in fine print for Jesus, I might get a little spacey too if I lived in some vast place filled with golden streets, old souls looking as they did at their best, and mansions….

Wait…does he live in Beverly HIlls?
Erika recently posted..Shit or Get Off the Pot.

I would love for you to translate the bible into Bloggess style; it might actually be worth reading.

I can’t get God to open windows or doors for me. Chivalry truly is dead.
the muskrat recently posted..an experiment

You positively slay me! Thanks so much for the laughs, I could sure use them!
CeeCee recently posted..Just for the Sake of History

OMG – years ago this was the christmas card is sent (i wish i could insert the image!). still cracks me up.
Jesus, looking all shamed as snow blows in behind him.
Mary: “Jesus Christ, close the door! Where were you born, in a barn?”

I bet that douche also says things like, “He’s in a better place now.”

Where? Fucking Denmark? Because then I could visit him and bring him chocolate and crash on his couch and we could eat rugbrod slathered with my homemade apple butter. And also, how do you know where he is when I don’t? Did that asshole send you a postcard and not me? TELL ME!!
Monica recently posted..Craft Friday: Wrist-mounted crossbow

Hahahah awesome! That made my morning!

Thanks for making me laugh on a really POS day.

I’m convinced God has a burn book and I’m allllllll over it. When I was growing up I worked in an ice cream shop on the beach and we would take a picture of the most ridiculous customers and tell them that they were Customer of the Week. They would get a free cone, and we would get another ridiculous picture to pin in the back.

That’s what I’m convinced that God has. A Burn of the Week wall. And my face is ALL OVER IT.
Katie recently posted..Hey little heroes, summer’s long but I guess it ain’t very sweet around here anymore

Haha! For once, Victor’s not on the receiving end of your logic. This totally invalidates the next time he argues with you about something he thinks is insane. Look at how much sense you’re making!
Rebekah recently posted..Bloggiversary.

Jesus saves! On his electric bill by keeping the windows open rather than using air. Because Pepco is Lucifer and Jesus hates the devil. The devil is in the details. Of the barn that he was born in that had no windows. And made it smell like…a barn.

Damn Jenny. You never fail at making me laugh out loud.

You rule.

Freakin’ love this one. What I would have given to be a witness (ha – yo uget it!) to this conversation. You probably drove that poor man to go to the nearest bar. Hallelujah.

ROFL!! OH i just got stared at @ work for laughing to loudly. Thats awesome.

new found respect for victor.
nikki recently posted..Begging for forgiveness.

I
love
you

I hope I grow up to be you.

things you need to do:

1.) Stop going to the hospital!
2.) Start a church with Victor. Because that is a church I would join. And by church I mean cult.
Beesus recently posted..10 Dance Steps Guaranteed To Make You Awesome

Have I told you how much I appreciate the way your mind works? And your commenters are awesome too!
a recently posted..File Under: A Little Competition is a Good Thing?

Snicker snicker. Were you born in a barn? heh I’m probably going to get strange looks today when I just start laughing for no apparent reason thinking about this blog post. I wish I could come up with something brilliant like that when the religious folks knock on my door and want to hand me a pamphlet!
Redneck Hillbillies recently posted..I Killed the Honey Badger.

* close to tears of joy * I just love you so much. This is AWESOME. I am adding it to my arsenal.
Jules Cox recently posted..New Baby Donkey, Solomon!

Love it! And my favorite comment so far (of several that made me laugh out loud) is #212: Greg got a gigglesnort out of me with “Jesus should just nail the windows shut. Then again, he’s probably not a big fan of nails.”

As for the Christmas card comment that sev people have made, they exist. Or at least they did. One of my best friends in universe sent me a Christmas card that featured the inside of a rustic house (circa the Middle East 2000 years ago) with a young man in robes (same circa) standing in an open door. In the foreground is a woman with dark hair saying, “Jesus Christ, shut the door! Where were you born… in a barn?” It’s still my favorite card ever.
toni in florida recently posted..Saying “No” to NaNoWriMo

Amazing. You guys make the best comedic team EVER!!

I am a Catholic and I still think that is a hysterical exchange…I’m pretty sure God has a sense of humor.
I mean, have you ever seen a platypus? Or the color of baby poop?
RealMommyChron recently posted..Blog it!

I always thought it was my cat trying to escape the crazy!
I’ll have to try this next time. The disparaging looks isn’t working.

That’s. Fckng. Hillarious. I love that Victor is almost as funny as you are!

I love this so hard.
Pookie McNoodles recently posted..Alcohol for Academia

Oh man, this made me realize how much I love both you and Victor (it may even make up for his hating on Beyonce)
Now I have new insight on that old religious saying – I will never again be able to keep a straight face when I hear someone trying to enlighten me with the theories of God and opening windows. Although I always just assumed God was trying to keep the pressures the same by opening that window when he closed a door. Shows what I know.
Marie recently posted..The modern world according to my mother — why we need to continue allowing old people to inhabit the technological world

You guys are hilarious. And crazy. And crazy hilarious.
Bitchin Sisters recently posted..To my four, going on sixteen-year old daughter,

I don’t know that I’ve ever commented on your blog before, but I read every post and I love them all. You are hilarious and I always get excited when my Reader shows a new post.

Thanks for making me laugh so hard that I cry.

–>I think that’s why there are no doors or windows in heaven but just THE GATE.
WebSavvyMom recently posted..And Then My Baby Turned 1,825 Days Old

So, that’s why you and Victor are married.

Jenny, all I can say is that it’s a darn good thing for you that there’s no Hell.

Definitely using a variation on this and the “Have you lost him?” schtick the next time god-botherers knock on my door.

I’ve known all along that you and Victor are together not just so you will have a handy source of frustration. THIS proves that y’all really do belong together!

I tell Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses that I’m an Aztec priestess and ask them if they’d like to come back tomorrow and make a heartfelt donation to our religious celebration. No one has yet. Also, I do a bit about the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program and have been known to riff on how Jesus got everybody to buy into his whole ritualistic cannibalism thing.
Jami recently posted..Sharing is caring

TOO FUNNY!!!
I desperately want a religous freak to now utter the phrase “God works in mysterious ways” to you guys, so I can hear the replay of that conversation!
You and Victor Rock!

All this has led to is me deciding what type of cat Jesus would have and if it would be a hypoallergenic cat or have super powers or something, or just be a normal cat. Is being sensitive to the needs of it’s cat why Jesus fed people fish? I mean, I’m not a christian, so I could have just effed that up– he did something with fish, right? That’s why all the bumper stickers and stuff…………or are those ALL hippie music fans and all this time I’ve been thinking they were missionaries?

I need a drink.

Can I use this when my friendly Jehovah’s Witnesses show up? Thanks.
Suniverse recently posted..My Heart Will Go On

I love you guys so much! Y’all are made of awesome!

This is fantastic. Completely tremendous.
Hamlets mistress recently posted..The Online Book Club

Why you don’t have a full time job creating Christmas greeting cards is one of the world’s greatest mysteries.

Happy Jesus was born in barn day!
Jenna recently posted..When Words Are Too Much Work

well that explains why doors keep getting slammed in my face, i keep closing the windows…
suburbngypsy recently posted..quilt of life

see god does open a window. without that man to mock, what would you have written?

I am crying.

I love you guys… a friend just posted this on my facebook after I shared this post
http://unholyoffice.blogspot.com/2011/06/jesus-vs-dr-who.html#.TsV0MqHGGoE.facebook
Jesus vs Dr Who

A warning sign that the end is nigh will be when the Amish start going door to door.
Mister Ornery recently posted..Dogs Got Scapulas (Scapulae?) – Bones That Fracture = And Other Goings On

Oh that was terrific! This week my son and his roomate had Mormons show up at their apartment. They invited the poor guys in and then quizzed them for an hour and a half. THEN the roomate gave the poor guys a link to some article on stars and outer space and asked them to research this and come back next Monday so they could discuss it further!

You know, people jump out of windows. I don’t think that it’s always a positive when God opens a window.
Joy Ribisi recently posted..Teacup Pincushions

I’ve always said that when God locks a door, somewhere he BREAKS a window. I like that it takes people a few seconds to catch it. Either that or God loses his keys a lot.
Lisse recently posted..So, it’s almost Thanksgiving

I think it’s awesome you guys are deeply religious and helping educate people through out the world…Praise Bob!
Jenn recently posted..It’s Not A Doll…It’s An Action Figure!

Here in Canada it’s just too fucking cold to keep the windows open, especially in the winter. I suppose wherever God is it’s warm year-round so keeping a window open wouldn’t be a big deal temperature wise. Without the need for air conditioning and the frigid cold temperatures of Canada, it’s entirely plausible that God keeps the windows open without any need to counteract such a deed with an equally placed door closing. Come to think of it, why do they even need doors? I mean, it’s an open society in the place of worship isn’t it? Does God support transparency? One would think so. If that were the case there’s no need for privacy and there’s no worry about people breaking into your home and stealing your DVD collection of Ally McBeal. Everyone would just share everything and sing kumbyah all the time and life would be unicorns and rainbows and we don’t need no stinkin’ air conditioners. So, uh, what was the point of this again?
Bil Simser recently posted..Too Many Kittens To Juggle At Once

I wish I could put you in my pocket and bring you to my bible-banging Mothin-in-Law’s house. I usually just drink so I can deal with her constant talk of God and “the Bible says this, and the Bible says that”. Sometimes, that back fires and I get a little too drunk and start acting like a fool. There have been a few times that she actually started praying for me while I was in one of these drunkin stupors. Turns out, mixing Jesus and wine together isn’t as aweome as the Bible lets on.

I snickered a little. I am certain God frowned on it.
I’m just glad I am not on the other end of your wit, especially in combination with Victors.

Scott
WilyGuy recently posted..The Lesson of the Reef Tank

Living in a predominantly Catholic country, I have to deal with religious fanatics all the time. And we have tropical weather, too. So I never really completely understood why God doesn’t just leave the windows open. Because God forbid you die for heat exhaustion. Wait…what?

And good to know Victor and you are clearly MFEO.

So basically, you’re saying that God is the reason my cat ended up on top of my garage after jumping out the window.

Way to go, God. Way. To. Go.
Erika Marie recently posted..My Baby Like Whoa

Jesus is coming — look busy.

Our handyman has a brother named Jesus, but he wasn’t born in a barn. At least I don’t think so. Not too many barns in Jersey City, NJ.

That was excellent!
Melissa Lawler recently posted..Thanksgiving Leftovers – Turkey Shepherd’s Pie #Gluten Free

God must hate elevators. ELEVATORS are the spawn of satan!!!!!!

Reminds me of a quote:
“Having religion is like having a penis. You can happy with it. You can be proud of it. You can hold on to it and let it guide your actions during various points of your life. But for the love of God, please stop trying to shove it down me and my kids throat!”

Speaking of zombies (haha)… I just saw this on youtube and thought of you, Jenny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPIVEwGUKIc&feature=share

Thanks for sharing your crazy with the world. I have found so many new inappropriate things to laugh at because of you. You’re the friend with the hilarious stories that I will probably never meet.

I’d never thought about it before, but you’re right. I totally see Jesus as a cat person.

That was so awesome I think I peed a little. I’m so glad you’re back!

If I had a partner to back up my Jesus doood talk, it’d be my new hobby.

Go, Victor.
Alexandra recently posted..Sometimes, I Get It Right

For what it’s worth, I totally disagree with that saying! I mean this is God right? And He closed the “door” for a reason right? So why on earth would He then go and open a window, almost like He is second-guessing Himself or something? No way. I think it would be more like “Hell ya, I closed that door! And it’s staying closed! Oh … what’s that? You need some fresh air circulating? Well I guess maybe I was wrong and we could open a window … PSYCHE! Yeah right! I closed that door and it’s STAYIN’ closed bitch!”. Then maybe chest-bumps Jesus or something. (don’t ask me why He is speaking like He’s from the ‘hood. That’s just how He rolls).

Best. Conversation. Ever.

Wow! I’m gonna start a movement: Jesus Was Born in a Barn, Were You?

“Were you born in a barn?” hahahahahahahaha Yes, I had to laugh. I tried not to, but I did.
Roxanne recently posted..Surveillance With My Mother — the “Look-Out”

When I was in college some evangelical guy came up to my boyfriend and I in a shopping center and told us that Jesus was going to come again. My boyfriend asked him whether Jesus knew that he was supposed to put on a fresh condom each time. Then I tried not to laugh and snorted kind of grotesquely. Good times.
LS recently posted..NaNoWriMo and Fear

Thank God for this blog.
Rebekah recently posted..Almost Home

The question ‘Were you born in a barn?’ is a little redundant nowdays as many people were born in hospital in a room with swing doors (which would explain why they don’t feel the need to close the doors behind them)

Thats nice that you gave that man a story to tell:)
Bryn recently posted..there should be nothing in my bladder

You really don’t hear much about Jesus’ cat. I guess this is why.
jacqui recently posted..Who Writes This Crap?

off topic but I would totally spend like $50 in your store if you would please put the “I’m doing the best I can… and carry a knife” on a tshirt. I really need one and perhaps Copernicus Keep Calm on a shirt also!???

I’m already going to order the strangle is like a hug because it weirds out even my weird friends. It’s hard to stand out in my crowd. Thank you and as someone that had an ovary BITE her “well looky there, I’m bleeding and it’s not my period?”… I’m glad you are ok. Do you have a new scar you have to explain endlessly for the rest of your life? (“no new doctor I did not have a C section….” Ihad to put that in so you don’t think I’m a hooker). Actually now 23 years in I have to THINK which one it was that decided to grow a tumor just for the heck of it. Right or left? (or it’s the early Alzheimers….)

Anyway, so need some shirts! Bags are fine, but I have big boobs so that people will pay more attention to a tshirt.

It’s nice to know I am not the only one going to hell! Thank you both -> if I weren’t such a “deer in headlights” sort of person, exuding total shock from comments like that bellowed from strangers, I could only dream to deliver the greatest comeback of all times -> “Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is”.

Oh my god! Thank you for helping me break a rib. The laughter made it worth it!
Brittany recently posted..Speakers Charles Moore and Mike Biddle- Our Plastic Problem

Eons ago, when I saw the sign that proclaimed “Jesus Saves” and some wonderful person added “At Wells Fargo”? I almost wrecked the car laughing. Yup, if it’s there, I’ll prolly go straight to hell, even with all of that Catholic edumacation.

Ha ha ha ha ha, just came across your blog through Iffy Inklings and this story just made my day!! Some people just don’t know when NOT to shove things down peoples’ throats. =]
Sarabell recently posted..The Eclipse Review…

Year: 1972

Knock, Knock.

Door opens.

JW* asks, “Do you know where you are going when you die?”

Peter** answers, “Toledo. I ain’t never been to Toledo.”

Door closes.

* JW = Jehova’s Witness

**Peter- not his real name. Grad student at Cal Tech.

Bless you with whatever makes you feel good Jenni. And pass some on to Victor.
PB recently posted..Monster High Doll Day

I SO want to sit next to you and Victor on my next plane ride.
Miriam @ Overtime Cook recently posted..Baked Butternut Squash Fries

I aspire to be like you one day.

Is that why so many kids are getting pneumonia this year? God is leaving windows open?? I should have known.

The religious stranger should spend more time praying and less time preaching. Lol.
Domestic Debbie recently posted..Stain Removal Made Easier!

No wonder your marriage has lasted so long.
Brandy recently posted..This Is My Life

I’m so glad you are feeling better Bloggess! Whenever I see you have a new web post, or a Twitter update, I have a grin that creeps from ear to ear with anticipation while I furiously click on the link to enjoy what you share of your life with us on the internet.

All Hail The Bloggess! (And Victor too … I have a strange feeling he has a much better sense of humor than any of your readers are aware of. *smirk*)

I found myself sat, slightly inebriated in front of a new couple at a gathering.

It was a birthday thing.

Not mine.

I knew that there was going to be trouble when within 5 sentences of ‘Hello’ we had made it to “We are all sinners, I know, I am full of sin, praise Jesus”

Drinking heavily didn’t seem to block out the noise from across the table so I asked about all the Stained Glass window in churches and how beautiful they are.

Sage nodding ensued.

“Shame that they continue to portray Jesus as being white with an anlgo-esque nose, when really given where he was born he actually should look closer to Osama Bin Laden”

*shock*

“Okay, not EXACTLY like him, but, you know…regionally, he’d look arabic wouldn’t he…?”

Silence followed. My wife pinched me. All was good.
Indignant Rant recently posted..FTW – ‘For the WIN’? Seriously…Who let that happen?

A former pastor whose husband had a lot of health issues came to mind. In her memorable first sermon, she said, “Jesus, he’s just this guy, you know?” which I got immediately from the Hitchhiker’s Guide (Douglas Adams). It was referencing Zaphod Beeblebrox, who is so cool you could store a side of beef in him, and so incredibly hip he can’t see past his pelvis, to quote some of the self references the character gave in the BBC audio. People remember what is said.
And if you’ve lost Jesus, check inside your heart to see if he made it in. Once in, never out! Good health to you.

and this is why I keep my religion to myself…. and everyone else should too. People like this guy give religion a bad name.

Another Episcopalian here, with sense of humor intact, so I was also LMAO at your little exchange with the “religious” person. A few points:
A) Jesus was most likely actually born in a cave. Caves were actually pretty commonly used for housing animals back then. Which, if you think about it, is even worse than being born in a barn in terms of manners.
B) God doesn’t put people in the hospital. He may use your hospital experience to show forth his glory, but he doesn’t put you there in the first place. He created the world, gave it a jump start, and then humankind f*cked it up. That’s where all the bad sh*t comes from, a perfect creation which was screwed up. Which is totally believable if you shop at Walmart on Saturday. And having a ovarian cyst burst definitely qualifies as bad sh*t.
C) I hate the sound of “God did this to you for your own good” along with all the other religious words that are supposed to be well meant, but sometimes sound downright cruel. Best to keep one’s mouth shut if you can’t be helpful. “I’m so sorry and I am praying for you” goes a lot farther, IMO.

Holy Shit. Literally AND figuratively.
Angela recently posted..Oh, Betty! – fluffy rice and chicken (Budget Casseroles, Card #19)

Something about “BURN, JESUS” just killed me.

Actually, this whole exchange killed me. I’m imagining that the religious person just didn’t know what to do with people who were running with this the way you were.
April recently posted..I’ll Be Home for Christmas

omg…this is CLASSIC!!! people should just learn to keep their mouths shut!
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Candy Land = Family Wrecker

You made my day, love it. “God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.” Fucking priceless….

I love how all the comments here assume that you guys had some kind of significant theological debate with this guy, and like Arius he was soundly defeated foe his apostasy against your very sanctity. Sounds to me like you were just takin the piss and he didn’t understand. Ooooooooo.

I’m totally borrowing this for the next time my mom uses that cutesy little phrase.
Holmes recently posted..Watch For The Stache Signal

Reading the conversations between yourself and Victor make me realize something…my husband and I are pretty lame.
Jennifer @therebelchick recently posted..Spy Kids: All The Time in The World DVD Release!

Playing catch up during lunch and now everyone is asking why I’m crying with laughter. I am so using this next time the religious callers come knocking

That was the best conversation I’ve read in a long time. Awesome. And Victor was playing along too, waayy, cool

Good times

When I was growing up, it used to be, “When God closes a door, He opens another one.” But maybe Fate or Opportunity or whoever got all pissed off at God for stealing their line so now He opens a window instead? How would that go when someone is trying to leave the room?

Person: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”
God: “Hold on, let me close this door and open a window first.”
Person: “But how will I get out?”
God: “Through the window”
Person: “You mean, jump out the window?”
God: “Or climb.”
Person, Looking out the window: “We’re ten stories up.”
God: ” I know.”
Person: “There’s no fire escape.”
God: “I know.”
Person: “Why can’t I just walk out?”
God: “Because I closed the door.”
Person: “It’s a long way down…”
God: “That’s the idea.”

Why would God close the door and open a window? Why not another door? Did the other door get taken away? I think He wants you to jump and fall to your doom. Maybe Heaven is hard up for residents. Or maybe someone thinks that defenestration is funny.

I’m so going to put more than one door in every room of my house.

That was too funny. I love how you played off of each other – LOVE!!
Rita @ Healthy Mom, Sexy Wife recently posted..The Secret to Being Sexy

Super classy response Jenny. I guess she probably wouldn’t have liked my “mmm this blood of Christ is delish” tweet yesterday either.
Ann recently posted..My Dead Strip Mall Valentine and Madison Auditions!

Oh Peggy.

Jenny, great response. Loved the original post too. Isn’t it nice to live in a world where people can enjoy reading whatever they like? I think Jesus would like it too.

Peggy – Forgive her… wouldn’t that be the christian thing to do?
Kris recently posted..Recipe # 7 – Apple Honey Drumsticks

Nicely done, Jenny.

That just made me thank god that I am able to laugh and be lighthearted. Additionally, thank god for your blog Jenny, for it is a wonderful existence and sanctuary for so many…my therapy and guilty pleasure. Well, besides Pinterest!!

Peggy remember that Jesus also said, “do not judge so you will not be judged” (Matthew 7:1). So although you have every right to your opinion, you are judging The Bloggess on just one post. Be careful that you do not become to judgmental because you will one day be judged as well.

I’m a Christian…I thought it was funny. Of course, I also believe in evolution and that the Doctor will one day take me away from all of this.
Lauren W recently posted..I Want You to Want Me

Perhaps Peggy should stick around and read all the good works you do.

Peggy, had you stuck around to read more than one post perhaps you’d have noticed all the good Jenny does for others out of the goodness of her heart. I think if you’ll read the links below you’ll better understand that actions speak louder than words and that Jenny is a lot more like Mother Theresa than you see fit to give her credit for.

http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-end-and-the-beginning/

http://blog.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2012/01/the-horrible-sounds-of-sirens/

http://thebloggess.com/2011/12/weekly-wrap-up-in-the-middle-of-the-week/

http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/
carol anne recently posted..Surgery #5

Well, you know what they say — Jenny doesn’t respond to a flame without lighting a candle.
Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted..How to Destroy America (Step 1: Dig Up Marilyn Monroe)

And it’s times like these that I wish to God there was a like button to push on people’s posts! Jillybobww, BEAUTIFUL RESPONSE.

Seriously, Jenny, you have the most coolest, fanabulousest readers on the planet. And that alone should show others that they might want to think twice, delve a little deeper before hurling denunciations.

And that you are the cheerleader for the underdog.
And that you are on a journey for which you do not apologize.
And that you encourage others to NEVER apologize for where we are.
And that you maintain your sense of humor amidst it all.
And that you offer grace in your response.
And that you are totally TRANSPARENT.

Thank you. Totally {heart} this.

Prevail~Tattoo Girl
Tattoo Girl recently posted..The Full Snow Moon

Dear Bloggess, you are a class act. And if some people don’t get your humor it’s okay. You have enough of us that do and love you no matter what.

Yeesh, lady, lighten up! I’m a Christian and make fun of my fellow followers all the time. If God doesn’t have a sense of humor, I’ll be headed the other way, I’m afraid. (Hmm…I hope Gary Larson was wrong and the coffee’s not cold in hell.)

I love watching idiots get shot down… Best part of my day.

Well played, Jenny… Well played.
Valerie recently posted..How to Make a Human T-Rex… & other adventures in Rope Tying 101

Wow. Peggy needs to get laid or eat some chocolate or drink some wine or something. And I can say that because I used to be a Peggy myself. When you abstain from good shit, you get cranky.

Jenny, great response, as always. And Dana, I couldn’t have said it better myself, sister.
Zippy recently posted..WTH is wrong with television these days?

“Mother Teresa humbly and compassionately cared for the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the sick– people no one would even look at, let alone touch.”
Isn’t that similar to what Jenny is doing for those of us with ‘mental’ issues, anxiety, depression etc..? and helping people buy Christmas presents for their children who can’t afford it, and encouraging readers to donate to other various causes. These examples are part of why Jenny is so great, Peggy only read 1 blog and gets her knickers in a twist. So she cracks a joke about a ‘Christian’ harassing her and telling her God hates her, which they love doing, so that insults you? Well, I’m pretty insulted when these so called ‘Christians’ tell people that God hates them just because they don’t like something about them. Peggy, pull the stick out of your behind.

Actually, and this is probably beside the point, but Mother Teresa was not all that. Christopher Hitchens wrote a book about it that outlines some of the – well, kind of evil things she did in the name of her fanaticism. But here’s a short article. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/fighting_words/2003/10/mommie_dearest.html

What truly saddens me about Peggy’s response is that she has no idea what her closed mindedness, and lack of humor, is keeping her from experiencing. Furious Happiness. Reminds me to not take myself too seriously. Wish more people would give it a try instead of passing judgement on someone who works so hard to make others happy.

I love that Victor has a similar sense of humor! My favorite part is when God says, “look, when I close a door, I open a window. IT’S WHAT I DO.” hahaha awesome.
Kristi recently posted..Yes, Love really does conquer all

Jenny, I am so glad that you’re in the top 100 mommy blogs. When you post about your daughter, your love shines through so brightly. And you prove so often that being a good parent isn’t just about changing diapers/cooking hotdogs/wiping tears–it’s also about continuing your own journey to find furious happiness, expressing yourself honestly and unapologetically, finding humor everywhere, and generally understanding that making your child happy isn’t going to come from being a perfect, nothing-but-a-mommy robot.

Besides, I know God has a sense of humor. He created the platypus and Lada Gaga’s fashion sense.
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Naked Children Are Not Mine.

Wait, I thought you were Mother Teresa? My bad.
Courtney recently posted..Photo

jillybobww – I think I love you.

That had to be the funniest thing I have ever read, and I LOVED the Sloth Anniversary… I HAVE to send this to my friend! Thanks for being so AWESOME! ^-^ You have made my day!