I shouldn't be allowed on live anything

Things I said this month on live tv or radio that made me think “Wow, I should not be allowed to do live media”:

“I mean, I don’t want to finger the guy who sold me all those drugs.”

That?  Oh, that was me pretending to be attacked by a Sasquatch.”

“I’m on a LOT of cold medication.”

“Unless you came out of my birth canal and lady garden you don’t get to call me ‘mommy’.”

“When do we start?  Shit.  We’ve already started, haven’t we?”

“No, the weasel was already dead when I opened it.”

“So then I was stuck in the cow’s..uh…can I say “vagina” if I’m referring to a cow’s vagina?”

“I did a lot of clown porn stuff.  Victor wasn’t pleased.  He hates clowns.”

“They really shouldn’t let me on live radio.”

I also did a Skype reading wearing a strapless dress and it looked like I was naked and I didn’t notice it until someone else posted a picture of me.

Dear me: Perhaps you should avoid tube tops on Skype. And just...you know...in general.

************

In unrelated news, I’m doing the weekly wrap-up early because we’re taking Hailey to DisneyWorld this weekend to make me feel like a less terrible mother since I’ve been gone on tour so much.

So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Cafe Rio, who make the best tortillas IN THE WORLD.  At least, according to my husband.  I’ve never been there because it’s in Utah, but it looks delicious.  Also, I accidentally called it “Cuh-FERRY-oh” the first time I saw it because the link had it all one word and then Victor was all “You mean ‘Cafe Rio’?” and then he never stopped making fun of me.  And now I want tortillas.  Thanks, Cuh-ferryoh.

185 replies. read them below or add one

  1. It’s these quotes that make people love you as much as they do.

    Have fun at Disneyland!

    Amanda recently posted jurassic park: the only possible wedding theme.

  2. “Cow’s vagina” makes “vagina” much better. Not that we should be worried about anyone’s vagina, but, you know, some people get sensitive about things which are not bovine related.

    Jillian recently posted Damn It Feels Good To Be A Hipster.

  3. Oh I don’t know. I vote more cold meds and lots more live tv. A match made in heaven. You are divine, Ms Bloggess, in all of your naked Skype splendor!! Xoxo. BTW those are NOT taxidermied animals at Disney. I wish someone had told me (awkward).

  4. OMG going to disneyland with you would be the most fun EVER. Also I think you should be on live everything, just to keep people on their toes.

    Additionally, the people on my recent flight may have hated me for all the very out loud laughing I was doing while reading your amazing book.

    tova recently posted Proud again and moving forward..

  5. 5
    E M Foster

    Out of context, those quotes are scary. Reading your blog makes them flippin’ hilarious!!! Enjoy Disney!!!! :-)

  6. I Skype naked all the time. Not that anyone really wants to see that.

    Rob R recently posted Are You Smarter Than A Fox News Viewer?.

  7. Oh, come now. I think you’ve said *much* worse before. :)

    Rebekah recently posted Ouch..

  8. Perhaps “cow’s lady garden” would have been more appropos. Actually, no. . .not so much.

    Jen recently posted Republicans Need Love Too.

  9. We’ve all made that tube top mistake. Facebook reminds us every day.

    Amanda recently posted conversation I just had with a student.

  10. These are exactly the quotes that make people want to put you on “live.”

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Mad Uncle Morgan.

  11. COME TO UTAH! LOL I will feed you cafe rio!!

    Kerry :) recently posted ….5 reasons I am voting for Barack Obama in 2012.

  12. My fave: … lady garden… We Love you! Have an enchanting day. It’s against the law to be depressed at the Mouse House.

  13. I love the expression on your face in that Skype snapshot – unbeatable!

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Moving from Isle of Man to Finland – epilogue.

  14. At least you weren’t dressed as a clown while being naked…

    Erin recently posted The Basics of Using a Pattern-Part Two, Cutting or "What do all these marks mean?!".

  15. So, you’re trying to say you are not PC? And here I was, thinking I was hallucinating.

    Anyway, have fun at Disney. Poke Goofy for me, will ya?

    Carol recently posted A little sunshine to brighten Rhea’s day.

  16. These quotes make you awesome! They are WHY you should do more live TV/Radio/Whatever else you can do live!

    Karine recently posted 10 Daddy Tid-Bits.

  17. I will walk across the street and buy you some Cafe Rio tortillas and send them to you :) Just tell me where to send them! I will even overnight them so they stay fresh.

  18. This…is why…we love you!

    Lori recently posted Wants, Interests, and Needs.

  19. The weasel was already dead when I opened it…Duh.

    Stephanie recently posted My McGyver Moment, or The Night I Saved the World.

  20. Honestly- it’s those quotes that make me glad you do live stuff. Most interviews are much too boring.

    You aren’t the only one who makes themselves look naked on accident. I have an knack for taking self portraits in strapless dresses… and yep. I can’t ever share them because I look naked. Ha!

    Enjoy WDW!!

    Whitney recently posted We watch a lot of NCIS..

  21. And THIS is why we love you.

    Anna Nonamus recently posted And then, I forgot Spouse was old.

  22. Personally I would claim the Skype chat WAS done nekked. No need to mention the strapless dress. It’s always best to play these things up for all they’re worth. Think of the increase in audience size you’ll have the next time you do a live reading on Skype.

  23. whenever I go back to my hometown to visit my parents, legitimately the first thing I demand is Cafe Rio. THEIR SALAD IS AMAZING. And I know that probably sounds sad, like, “oh wah, I like salads,” BUT GO THERE AND EAT ONE AND THEN TELL ME I’M WRONG

    Carling recently posted re: future hall and oates post.

  24. super fun quotes. I would say those kind of crazy things too. which is why you SHOULD be allowed to be live on stuff. To make us feel like not the only weirdo’s ;-)

  25. It would help, too, if they told you what you can and can’t say BEFORE they throw you on the air. If they did their research, they should know that cow vagina was going to come up at some point. And the part about the weasel…

    Eleanor recently posted Winning!!! .

  26. Chalk it up to keeping them on their toes ;)

    That faux-naked Skype chat just killed your chances at running for president of the United States, yanno.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Memorial Day Weekend Sex Toy Sales!.

  27. Have fun in Disney World! Be sure to wear a shirt, I don’t think they’ll let you in if you don’t.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted The Thing You Find When Packing Pt. 3.

  28. That is so awesome that you looked nekked! Skype is never flattering to anyone. Congrat’s on the extended tour and have fun in Disneyworld!

    Jana recently posted How sexting turned into waterboarding.

  29. I swear my video cam hates me I always look like a drugged out zombie. Was there really a tank top or was it an x rated skype chat

    Vivian recently posted Chicklet's Water Bottle Baby.

  30. Any chance of a Cincinnati stop on your tour? That’s where the LeoTARDIS and Emily live. :-)

    Steve D recently posted #376 Trippy.

  31. If you want a great book about coulrophiles, read Clown Girl by Monica Drake.

    Christine recently posted From Chic to Crackwhore in 8 Easy Steps.

  32. You were TOTALLY nekkid on Skype. Admit it.

    leslie (crookedstamper) recently posted ColourQ Birthday.

  33. 33
    Just A. Reader

    You really should have done Skype naked. It would have just looked like you were wearing a strapless dress.

  34. Holy cannoli, I’m going to have to remember that Skype one. I’m partial to both Skype and strapless dresses…. like the one I have on now. Oh shit. No Skype!!!

    Queen of All Things Good recently posted The Not So Weekly Random Update.

  35. That leotardis is fantastic!

    Brenna recently posted A talent nobody really wants.

  36. The tube top! Awesome.

    Where do you find these things? Robert Downey Jr. can teach me to count ANY day. And how funny that I was just reflecting upon Lucky Charms marshmallows yesterday…now there are so many more than simply pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers. Where the hell have I been?

    XLMIC recently posted The Idiot and the Labyrinth.

  37. I had to go 4 years with a driver’s license picture in which I looked naked because of a tube top, I feel your pain!

  38. You do look nekkid! Hey maybe it will sell more books!

    Rebecca recently posted Photo sesh!.

  39. I wish MORE people said the things you did on live TV. I might watch more often.

    Cindy - The Reedster Speaks recently posted The Land of Tea..

  40. Don’t forget that in Michigan we made your perceived nakedness from said tube top into a drinking game.

    Jenny looks naked? EVERYBODY DRINK!

    Because Schulers knows how to do things right.

    Heather recently posted Who ya gonna call?.

  41. Opening yourself up is making the world love you. Screw NPR and the rest of the naysayers. I’m not sure what a naysayer is by definition, but I know it means something bad. “Hi” to Snow White, please.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Positively Bright.

  42. OMG, Disney World! Last time I was there they had just debuted the new ride Sum of All Thrills in EPCOT. You get to ride a giant robot arm. It is so freakin’ cool! Also, there is a tequila bar in the Mexican pavillion. They have ~flights~ of tequila.

    Know why I shouldn’t be on live TV or radio? Because I’d say even worse stuff. They’d switch on the camera and I’d be all “I like toast” and they’d be all “why did we bring her here?” And I most certainly would never be invited back.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Yeastie Beasties on the job.

  43. Disney World…really? Okay, I know you’re focused on making up mom points or something, but couldn’t you have worked another book tour stop into this trip? Disney World is only about an hour from where I live. I could totally make it to Orlando to see you. It’s not really fair to tease those of us who have not had the opportunity to see you on your tour with the knowledge that you’ll be so close to where we live but we still won’t be able to see you.

  44. No, this is why you need your own radio station. Better yet, a podcast, where you can say whatever the fuckity fuck you want to.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Nobody's Perfect (and other lame excuses).

  45. Hailey learned fractions in 1st grade?? Seriously? They didn’t try to start teaching them to me until 3rd grade and I failed them continually until 6th grade. Your daughter is smart!

  46. You look beautiful in that picture (questionably shirtless or not!). Also you crack me up!

    Rebeka recently posted my hood river girl loves.

  47. Oh, you look gorgeous on Skype. It adds to your mystique.

    Susanna recently posted An Ode to Little Boobs.

  48. Have seen that picture before and until just now I assumed you were naked, but hadn’t given it much thought. What does that say about both of us?

  49. Someday, they’ll have a Bloggess “Quote of the day” generator (right up there with Einstein and Benjamin Franklin!) and ALL these will be in the rotation! (Ha! I’m already ahead of the game ’cause I saw them here first.) Here’s hoping you and your family have a freekin’ AWEWSOME time!

    Chris Dean recently posted World Couch-Slug Appreciation Day.

  50. When I picture things growing in lady gardens, I picture a huge garden full of flowers, sunshine, fairies and babies growing in little pulsating, slimy baby-pods, kinda like the ones in the movie “Aliens” that had the awful little mini-aliens growing in them that would screech and latch onto people’s faces. Oh, and a babbling brook or a pond or some shit. Somehow, this makes me hate my uterus a little less, though I don’t know why.

    Banana Stickers recently posted It really was a cute phone cover.

  51. I LOVED your interview on NPR today at lunch. Since I had to sit there and listen to ALL of it, I was late for lunch with my writer friend. But after I explained my social faux pas, she’s now looking up your interview online.

    Denise Malloy recently posted 50 Shades of A Real Mother.

  52. I would likely skype naked on purpose…but that’s because I don’t do tube tops. :)

    jesspants recently posted The marketing people at Target are geniuses - I don’t even....

  53. 53
    LusherLaRue

    Come to Utah and I will treat you and your entourage (you ARE a celebrity now) to a most loverly meal at Kuh-ferryoh with lots of hand-made, warm-right-off-the-grill-tortillas and other good eats. Victor has good taste – in tortillas and bloggesses.

  54. Your cat is named Ferris? Oi vey, I can’t wait till my friends start in with the pussy jokes.
    Have fun at Disney!

  55. You, know from that camera angle you totally could Skype naked and no one would really know, except that one would inevitably forget and stand up to get something and BAM! Which is why we all shouldn’t Skype naked.

    Holly Folly recently posted We Have a Peep!.

  56. 56
    Sam Marlow

    “Unless you came out of my birth canal and lady garden you don’t get to call me ‘mommy’.”
    the best line ever

  57. I’m sure the seemingly naked Skype reading sold lots of books. Brilliant strategy. Plus I bet that photo is circulating all over the internet right now.

    Stacey recently posted Flutter.

  58. It’s true that you look naked.

    Jim W. recently posted Walk Day!.

  59. Like most of the others here, I agree, Jenny–you totally looked like you were sitting for that interview buck naked. You also look mighty happy about it. :D

    Looks like you’ve come up with a “titillating” new strategy for selling books.

    Super Earthling recently posted My Dinner with Eegore.

  60. hhhaaaaaaaaaaabbahhhhhhhhaaaa!

    thank you for making me laugh out fucking loud.

    that tube top shot is priceless. and so are you.

    p.s. i’m LOVING your book.

    p.s.s. i’m burning my memoir and going to take up knitting.

    Simone recently posted Isn't it ironic, don't you think?.

  61. I think the naked look is spectacularly funny. I mean, its Skype. You’re home. Why should you be naked it you want? Who’s looking??????

    Be brave, Jenny!

    Sj recently posted Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been A Uterist.

  62. I see the Skype thing as just more PR for you.

    Oh, The Bloggess? She Skypes naked. Isn’t that awesome?

    Brandon, The Ho from Idaho recently posted Local Business Spotlight - Pie Hole Pizza.

  63. I could knit you a scarf for your next Skype reading. Then you won’t look naked. And your neck will be warm.

    Kara recently posted Boys Don’t Lie, A History of Shoes.

  64. Never think you shouldn’t have made the Lady Garden comment – I got one of the most laughingly effusive thank you’s of ever when i gifted the onesie to my cousin for her new daughter…Of course, it was also paired with the card where Juanita Weasel is screamingly excited about eating *WELCOMING* the new familial addition, which got posted on FB as ‘The funniest card I will ever get’…so thanks to you my social media immortality has begun…but since there can be only one, I bow to you, with humble gratitude

  65. 65
    Stephanie Boucherle

    Just got my “Sorry. Real Clothes are too difficult” and “Feeling Stabby” t-shirts today… love them! Thank you for being you and sharing you (and Victor, bless his heart) with us!

  66. I see nothing wrong with anything you said. Rock on.
    And hve fun tomorrow!

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Fantasia vs. Chaka or Happy Memorial Day to All!.

  67. I’d like to apologise to the hoggy, slow readers in New Zealand.

    I have been 27th on the list to get your book for about a month.

    NO friggin movement at all.

    While I am DYING to laugh out loud and squirt coffee out my nose, paying for the Crack Puppy’s meds has required cutbacks in our discretionary income.

    Hence the need to visit the library instead of Amazon.

    If you flew over New Zealand and dropped books and stuffed animals, that would solve a lot of problems.

    It’s only a short flight from Texas. We promise. So come on down under.

    hogsatemysister recently posted Crack Puppy Goes Missing!.

  68. I think you need to tour Australia now. Uh huh. I absolutely promise that our animals won’t eat you.

    Veronica recently posted My parents ruined all of my good ideas when I was a kid.

  69. Are you going to SheCon? I tried to make it work, but just didn’t have enough time. Enjoy Disney!

    And I haven’t worn a tube top since the incident on the Silver Dollar City bumper cars when I was twelve. You need something in a tube top to keep it from becoming a belt.

    Anne (@notasupermom) recently posted Pure Leaf Iced Tea—Good Enough for this Southern Girl?.

  70. “Your jumblies are FANTASTIC!” Best thing I’ve read in ages! I’m stealing this for my new catchphrase!!!!

    Christy recently posted ....this moment......

  71. And now I’m missing Café Rio. I wonder if they deliver to Oregon. Their tres leches cake is amazing.

  72. Naked Skype! Too funny.

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Done!.

  73. I guess context is everything

    Corey Feldman recently posted Future Rock Star?.

  74. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. And I’m legally medicated, so I can say that. :-) Read my blog, come to Pittsburgh? xo

    Becky recently posted So Q watched tonight’s finale of “The Worst Cooks in America” on the Food Network.....

  75. HAHAHA…pic of tube top on Skype is the best!

    Ang recently posted Questionable Judgement: Products and Marketing Gone Wrong.

  76. It all sounds perfectly normal to me. That’s really not a good thing probably. For you or me. :/

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Planning Is For Pansies.

  77. Oh My Hell, you are just a cutie! Have a great time.

  78. I’m in Orlando doing the Disney thing this week too- when not with the Mouse people at the pool are backing away slowly from me because I am giggling like a loon while reading your book! Have a great time!

  79. Yeah, every time I open my mouth and something unexpectedly outrageous comes out (…which is pretty near ALL THE TIME), it ALSO turns out I’m being taped. For later playback under soberer conditions (yes, Mrs. McGillicutty, ‘soberer’ IS a verb). Go figger.

    Diane Donovan recently posted Things That Go Pee in the Night.

  80. 80
    Misty Miskimen

    Chicago is a seven hour drive for me – that’s the closest to me you have been on your tour, oh Bloggess the great. Please, please, PLEASE tell me you’re gonna make a stop somewhere closer to the armpit of southwestern Indiana?! Nashville? Louisville? St. Louis? Indianapolis? Hell, even Cincinnati? C’mon… us midwestern corn-fed kids think you may very well be a certifiable genius. Or maybe just certifiable. Either way, given the chance to meet you in person, I totally swear to have your caricature tattooed somewhere as a testament to my love of the great and powerful Bloggess. (is that enough ass kissing yet?)

    Wait. Tattooed? I meant drawn on my skin in lovely shades of Sharpie markers. Girl’s gotta keep her day job, ya know.

  81. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJP1DphOWPs I’m not sure if you’ve seen this yet but I just saw it and thought of you. Non creepily of course.

  82. Don’t you hate wardrobe malfunctions that aren’t actually malfunctions at all! Somehow, you have actually managed to plan out an ensemble that comes off just totally wrong. Like the time I thought I was being totally hip by wearing a black bra beneath my white shirt…it turns out you can only pull that off if you are a soap opera character.
    Your blog is awesome!!!

  83. I was listening to a podcast earlier and they recommended your book and I got SO EXCITED!!! It was on last week’s episode of NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour, so you definitely do have some fans at NPR.

    Also, am I the only one who thought of cookies when I read “jumblies”? I feel like there’s a good reason for this, but I don’t remember it…

    Katherine recently posted Today, I have zero willpower.

  84. So here’s the deal, Jenny. There are like, a bajillion people here offering to buy you Caferryoh. I am one of theme. Therefore, you have over a bajillion fans in the greater Utah area. Therefore, you have to come to Utah on your book tour. Puhleeeeez? The math TOTALLY checks out.

    Ashleigh recently posted Panic. Attack..

  85. My heart sings that you sponsored Cafe Rio today. You should probably do a reading in Utah just so you can try Cafe Rio because it is the best food you will ever put into your mouth EVER. And then you should do one in Vegas the week of my anniversary (June 7thish) because that’s where I’ll be, celebrating it. IN FACT, now that I think about it, there’s a Cafe Rio IN Vegas!

    Two birds. One stone. Boom.

    See you there!

    The Weed recently posted Does Wal-mart make you grumpy?.

  86. Holy shit! You need your own radio show! That would be awesome!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Atrocity!.

  87. Jenny,
    You look adorable in that picture. Really adorable. Sweet and kind of innocent – it’s really quite the illusion :)

    Bridgette recently posted Analysing playwrighting - thirsty work.

  88. Oh god, it was the ‘naked’ picture that really got me laughing tonight. It’s just so perfect because you really WEREN’T and yet you just KNOW some pervy people were staying to listen JUST for that.
    I’m sorry, and thank you for sharing. It makes me laugh because I’m the kindof person who would do a webcam interview without pants on, and forget, and stand up to get something while the camera was still going, thus mortifying myself.
    Jenny, you’re awesome. Don’t ever change!

    The Liz recently posted theliz13: I really should be writing. This is me procrastinating. Anything good on blogs right now?.

  89. This is why you SHOULD be on live shows! So much better than the conventional stuff lol… just loved your apparently naked skype picture. Rather brilliant of you. And… what a beautiful little girl you have! Such a bright smile! Thanks for sharing :-)

    Lady in Red recently posted *.

  90. Naked Skype-ing! That is hilarious. I was thinking I might try this tube top idea the next time we’re Skyping with my in-laws. Just to freak the crap out of them.

    Melisa Lunt recently posted the airport. as seen from an 8-hour layover..

  91. Ha ha ha ha!!!
    BRILLIANT! And arguable the list could be called “Reasons why I should be allowed on live everything because it will make the world a happier, more entertaining place.”

    Kaitlyn recently posted Some creative, spontaneous writing.

  92. Those were the snarkiest NPR comments I’ve seen in awhile…nice!

    Martha Frances recently posted Epic Bday.

  93. Laughing My Ass Off. I had to write that out, because the acronym was insufficient. Anyway the reason you’re successful is BECAUSE of the weird shit that comes out of your brain! (be it written or verbal!)

    Kristen Mae recently posted Things We Want to Say to People But Can't.

  94. Well, truth be told, I see nothing wrong with any of this. My position on this subject will probably not get me invited to live anything either. Have fun at Disney – the pastry shop in France at Epcot is my favorite attraction. Nom nom nom

    Rebeccah recently posted The Difference A Year Has Made.

  95. Get yo ass onto more live shows! You’re a very funny woman. Celebrate it.

    Claire J recently posted My Tale of Three Cities.

  96. 96
    colleen gilmartin

    Hi,

    Heard you on NPR here in RI but think it was a Boston station. Anywho…thought you were awesome and refreshing and felt WAY out-of-the-loop for not reading your blog and now I’m here. :)

    Rock on!
    Colleen
    ps: Eight pounds of uncut cocaine!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

  97. Okay, I actually just spit my coffee out on my keyboard – because, yes you do look like you’re naked. And it is AWESOME that you’ll still post those pictures anyway!

  98. At least you never ended a voice mail message with “Sincerely, Jenny.” I was so tired during tax season I kept thinking I was emailing my clients instead of talking to their answering machines and embarrassed myself forever.

    judy recently posted The Pre-Shredder Diary Disposal Method.

  99. Personally, I think you should tell people that you WERE naked on Skype that that you just have perky bosoms.

    Also, the Lady Garden line on CNN? I saw that video online. LOVED it, probably the best thing said on CNN in years.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted North Carolina, Hate, and how you can help.

  100. I know about the mommy guilt… case in point, check out the blog and then the fact that I made this http://t.co/23IbCrd4 to make up for it. Have fun in Disneyland/world, wherever. I can’t wait til my girls are big enough to go.

    Keaven Neely recently posted In an attempt to be more normal.

  101. NPR is not only conflicted, they’re terribly confused. I knitted a scarf for Ron Weasel-y, not a wig. Two separate gifts from two different people and one of them wasn’t knitted.

    Kara recently posted Boys Don’t Lie, A History of Shoes.

  102. So, what’s the problem about you doing a reading nekkid? Sounds like a way to draw a crowd to me! Besides, if you can imagine your audience nekkid, turnabout is fair play!

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Standing Against Hate.

  103. Now you need to write a book on how to create THE BEST soundbites.

    You gave people what they wanted on that Skype call – EYE CANDY! Also, don’t wear a tube top if you EVER ride one of those mechanical bulls. That’s a disaster cast in stone.

    Have fun in DisneyWorld – it is the happiest place on Earth, unless of course it’s raining and you’ve got a sick kid with diarrhea, then your hotel bathroom will be the happiest place on Earth.

    dumb {squared} recently posted Words I Googled this week.

  104. I used to underwear Skype with a girl who wanted me to marry her for a passport. It didn’t work out. Have fun in Disneyland!

    Andrew recently posted Gadgets of Alienation.

  105. Loved the interview on NPR.
    I SO want a leo-tardis!
    I had to share the link about mommy-wars. Thank you.
    Have fun in Disneyland! :-)

  106. I posted a note to myself never to wear a tank top on Skype either.

    Have fun at Disneyworld!

    Crack You Whip recently posted Not Your Everyday Kool-Aid Story.

  107. Next year, when I have to renew my drivers license, I AM TOTALLY WEARING A TUBE TOP.

    In fact… WE ALL SHOULD!!!

    I bet it gets us out of a shit ton of tickets!! Just hand over your license and be all Wink. Nod. With a little bit of shoulder thrown in for good measure.

    You’re a fucking genius!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  108. What a whirlwind you’ve been on! Welcome back to (hopefully anxiety-free) life.

    Enjoy Disney!

    Red recently posted Where Does the Time Go? Catching Up.

  109. WOAH. I was literally eating a Cafe Rio salad as I read this. That was trippy.
    They are amazing. I wish I had a way to prove that I’m not just a fake teenager made up by the company to come here and pretend to promote them. Maybe look me up on facebook and acknowledge that no PR office, no matter how dedicated, will spend the time to create a facebook page that saturated with girly teen angst.
    Either way, they are fucking delicious.

    Isabelle recently posted The post where everyone is amazing.

  110. I actually recently interviewed a woman who was inspired to write a book when she was Skyping with her mother, and she realized her mother was nude. So if you wanted any more writers in your family, keep wearing the tube tops!

    Amber recently posted Podcast: Talking to Bad Mommy Willow Yamauchi.

  111. I skyped for the FIRST time about a month ago. It was with a sub contracted website designer who is from Romania. My being from California, it being a hot night, I was in a tube top sundress.

    I had to wait until 10:30 at night to skype him, so that it was morning for him.
    So here I am, a tired, tube top, sundress, nightgowny thing wearing, gal skyping Romania at night time. My husband, and kids had gone to bed, but thank god my hubby had gotten up, and informed me of my ‘naked’ look.

    I feel ya on this! Strapless tube tops + skype = Unintentional Floozeball! ;)

    Oh, P.S.- I have been reading your blog for a while, this is my first comment. But I actually witnessed you on T.V. and yelled out “Hey, I know her”
    O.K., so I don’t really know you, but…………………..Well………….you know……

    J.R. recently posted A is for Apple, B is for Ball, F is always for F*CK!!!!.

  112. Key words from this post:

    Tortilla TARDIS.

    Just when I thought I could not possibly love you more.

    You gave me a Tortilla TARDIS.

    Sigh.

    hogsatemysister recently posted TSA, Idol Officials Fear Catastrophic Spanxsplosion.

  113. Ok so in my perusal of the link you posted The worst things for sale,
    I checked out the ‘Emergency Reserve 90 Serving Breakfast, Lunch/Dinner Emergency Food Supply’ (why is another story).

    Looks to me like someone is already defending themselves against the Zombie Apocalypse apparently…scroll down to the Most Helpful Customer Reviews by Kotep.
    Thank you ok Goddess Bloggess! Really related to your book by the way…disturbing huh?

  114. You are my inspiration. And I have alerted my entire family wamily to you, as of this Memorial Day weekend.

    Kathleen recently posted Midwestern Mistral.

  115. I just finished your book last night. Amazing. And teary. It made me a little teary. I love the editors notes. “I quit”. Like fried gold.

    cassie recently posted stop messing with my liquor and calling it macaroni.

  116. the skype photo made me snort. you look super cute, but yes totally naked.

    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted Why I avoid being in a vehicle with my family..

  117. Hahah I wish I heard any of those things live.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Boyfriend is Still Sad and it Distresses Me Greatly.

  118. Hey just to let you know there are Cafe Rios in Las Vegas as well as some cities in California lol

  119. Ok, so here’s the shit YOU missed because I don’t actually know you…
    my 5 year old asked me if I killed a man, and he was being serious…I concussed myself with a pan AS I WAS WASHING IT… the lady in the stall next to me had explosive diarrhea and kept apologizing to me… and I had to tell someone to not drink water out of the air conditioner…and that’s less than half of it.
    Also, you DO look naked, but also hot, so its ok.
    PS: loving the book

  120. I think all live television show be viewed through a bloggess filter.

    Cathy recently posted We’ve Added a Water Feature to Our Backyard.

  121. But I’m confused, we love you ‘live’ AND wearing boob tubes on Skype – don’t stop being you!

    weezafish recently posted Did We Learn Anything From The Recession?.

  122. “Heretic Husband May 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    No, this is why you need your own radio station. Better yet, a podcast, where you can say whatever the fuckity fuck you want to.”

    In a tube top! Or NAKED!

  123. It is the happiest place on Earth, unless of course it’s raining and you’ve got a sick kid with diarrhea, then your hotel bathroom will be the happiest place on Earth. Thanks for sharing..

    Claire recently posted Difficulty Getting Pregnant.

  124. “That? Oh, that was me pretending to be attacked by a Sasquatch.”

    Is the excuse I plan to use every time my housemate asks me what i was doing last night.

    Thanks!

    beccaann recently posted Nail Polish Storage & New Nail Polish!.

  125. I think the next time I Skype I am going to put on a strapless of some sort, just for affect! Also, I love the shit you say. LOVE.

    Lacey recently posted Help me, Help her..

  126. Every time I check in, I end up laughing with a smile. Keep it up, keep livin’ the dream!!!

  127. A) With quotes like that, OBVIOUSLY you should be on live TV and radio as often as possible.

    B) You should have just done the Skype chat naked. It’s probably more comfortable than a strapless dress.

    Sarah recently posted Even More Conversations With Ex-Boyfriend.

  128. dang… if I hadn’t been off line all weekend, I would’ve tried to stalk you while you were visiting the rat, as I’ve done with a bunch of other bloggers visiting the rat.

    wRitErsbLock recently posted braaiiiinns!.

  129. This is unrelated but are you aware the zombie apocalypse has started!?! In Miami! Google news Miami face eating. Amazingly, the first article isn’t porn. Ack!! Glad I am on the west coast.

  130. 131
    Linda Douglas

    I am reading your book. It should have a warning sticker – “Wearing a diaper and having your inhaler handy is highly recommended while reading this book.” Just sayin’.

  131. For crap’s sake, I can’t believe how long I’ve been wasting my time on this earth without knowing about The Worst Things for Sale. Please, the obsidian healing orb: my favorite. Thanks for sharing the awesome. XO

    Ariane recently posted habit owns me.

  132. Never apologize about talking about your lady garden in a live interview. It’s keeps the interviewer on their toes.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted I just realized something….

  133. I say stupid things all the time. Thankfully, never on live media because I’m not that popular.

    Donation-Can.com

  134. 135
    Alpha Wumpus

    HEY THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT
    i don’t do twitter and i don’t have time to set up an account just to warn you of an impending zombie apocalypse. so first of all, where the hell is the Activate Early Warning System button on this website?
    secondly, did you get so hard to contact all of a sudden because of your new book or because of comments like this?
    third, what’s your game plan?
    i’m gathering supplies, heading to the high seas.
    http://www.examiner.com/article/police-shoot-naked-cannibal-during-zombie-attack-miami

  135. Hey Jenny,
    I thought of something else to add to the list…
    I bought a do-it-yourself vag wax kit today. Who WOULDN’T want to be friends with someone who is willing (crazy?) enough to wax their own crotch? Actually I plan to trick my husband into doing it for me, but still its sort of do-it-yourself.
    Kassi

  136. I took my daughter to the zoo and when we were riding the tram a woman in front of us was wearing a tube top dress. My two-year-old was yelling at me, “WHY IS SHE NAKED!?” And wouldn’t believe me that she did, in fact, have a top on and wasn’t riding through the zoo in the buff. Tube tops are dangerous.

    Linz recently posted Skeptic Debbie is Skeptical.

  137. Well for me, sometimes I don’t love doing something live too because I might say something that can be offensive or just not right for the listeners and for the viewers as well..

    DynnaLou recently posted Remedies For Gout.

  138. 139
    Immah Lady

    Congrats on being on the NY Times Best Seller List. AMAZING. And anyone who read your book should know what to expect to come out of your mouth:-)

  139. I would be so much better on live tv and radio if only they could edit it a bit. And, you know, have me ON the tv and radio. That could help, too…

    tracey recently posted Much Thanks.

  140. Yeah, get yourself to Utah STAT! Cafe Rio is the best food on this whole dang planet. Even my kid is obsessed with them (he’s 4.) The salads are to die for. Like literally, if I ever turn into a zombie, I’m going to eschew the whole brains thing and go for these salads. I’m drooling just thinking about them.

    (Don’t even get me started on the tortillas.)

    Kris recently posted We moved..

  141. This is why we love you!

    Have a fantabulous trip to DisneyWorld :)

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Summer = vacation, or not?.

  142. 143
    Captain ShinyPants

    Okay, work with me here, ‘TheBloggess’s Celebrity Cruise’ sorta like when a band does a cruise and its their fans. You and your fam should do one! I can just picture the ‘incidents’ at the buffet. It would be great! Think about it, just remember I get a free ticket for the idea!

  143. Hope you had fun at Disney! I saw your daughter’s end-of-first-grade video right before I read the chapter in your book about your pregnancies. As I was reading the chapter, I kept thinking, “It will be okay, your little girl is amazing and adorable and delightful!”

    JennyG recently posted JennyGrahn: Freaky clouds over Schaumburg. @ Schaumburg, IL http://t.co/UsITFDSD.

  144. Are you sure you weren’t naked and then decided halfway through that it wasn’t funny so now you’re trying to play it off as though you were wearing “a strapless dress”? How very Emperors new clothes of you! I am impressed.

    Cafe Rio is super delicious, best pork barbacoa anywhere in ever. When I visit my family in Utah (they moved there from San Diego a few years ago in a bout of “we’ve had too much perfection in our lives”) I make sure to gain ten pounds on Cafe Rio. It’s only fair.

    -E

    Emily recently posted Statistical Studies Show....

  145. OMG. Your no-live-media comments remind me of all those times at parties where I try to be cool, and end up just being That Awkward Girl Everyone Thinks Is On Drugs.

    Allison recently posted Introvert vs. Extrovert: Which Am I? (Both!).

  146. My band used to do a lot of college radio and I was constantly putting my foot in the mic, iykwim.
    Luckily only like 12 people were probably listening. Once a listener ordered us a pizza. But stuck us with the bill. DOH!

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted The Real Pioneer Woman.

  147. 148
    Anonymous

    Was listening to NPR in the car last week and heard this chic talking about taxidermied critters with clothes on and thought. “Hmmmff I bet that’s Jenny Lawson” and it was. Kudos! Also, interviews are generally safe and boring, so we’re glad to see you’re not going that route!

  148. You just make live tv and radio interesting…soon you’ll be on Conan (the show, not the man…at least I’m assuming) just because he recognizes the value of cow vagina commentary.

    Jess recently posted Fancy-Pants Hotel, or Den of Iniquity?.

  149. This book is hilarious!!! I was raised in Utah with an alcoholic father and a Catholic mother and you make my childhood look like the freakin Waltons!! Yeah Misfits!!!

  150. At least you didn’t wear a tube top in your school picture in 1979 for all the kids to remember. Or maybe that was you? Thanks for the laughs. And for The Worst Things for Sale. Awesome stuff.

  151. Glad to see I’m not the only one that wears a tube top in my web camera. Although, it may be a little weird since I’m a guy. :)

    These are great quotes.

    The Extrovert recently posted No title, just substance..

  152. Your “derpy cats” link is not helping me abstain from getting another cat AT ALL.

    tokenblogger recently posted While talking to my Dad….

  153. Um, Cafe Rio DOES have fantastic tortillas! But if you ever make it out to Utah, get the pork burrito… enchilada style.
    I personally think it would be great if you came to Utah, because then I could listen to some of these things you shouldn’t say live on the radio, live on the radio!

    Jen @ Jen's Favorite Cookies recently posted Coconut Oil Kettle Corn and GIVEAWAY!.

  154. WHAT?! You come to Orlando for vacation but not a book tour?!

  155. I came here expecting to read your take on the zombie attack in Florida only to find nothing about it, plus your GOING to Florida on vacation!!!! I can only conclude that the zombies already got o you.

  156. 157
    Katherine George

    This comment has nothing to do with the post but….

    I know that it’s a little steep in price but the minute I saw it I thought of you. Thanks for making the internets hi-larious.

    http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/morbid_coin-operated_mortuary_automaton_circa_1900

  157. Okay, off topic but in all seriousness… have you heard about the zombie-face-eating guy in Florida?

    Like, SERIOUSLY. Apparently he is the fourth person to act like this. It’s so gross, but so zombie apocalypse that I had to share.

    http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/05/28/witness-describes-naked-man-chewing-another-mans-face-off-before-miami-cop-shot-him/

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted I ate Mozart's balls.

  158. It definitely made you sound more sane telling them that you found the weasal in that condition… I think.

    Jen Marie recently posted Cauliflower Rice.

  159. Naked Skype reading. Awesome.

    EG recently posted Summer is Nigh.

  160. Definitely no strapless on Skype! Especially not low-cut strapless.

  161. haha – I love you! The accidental naked Skype reading is fabulous!

  162. 163
    Samantha

    So, I know you probably won’t need this (as let’s face it, you are not surviving the zombie apocalypse), but I thought I’d share this Common Sense Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse that I found on the Magic Kingdom aka Tumblr. Maybe someone here will get good use out of it.
    http://gyzym.tumblr.com/post/24016417715/the-common-sense-guide-to-surviving-the-zombie

  163. thanks Samantha for the common sense guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse… everyone should have a copy, ya know, just in case…

    Enjoy Disneyworld!!

  164. The world needs more nudie-skype! Tube top fever – CATCH IT!!!

  165. Once you understand the reason your mom is holding back, ask her under what conditions she would think it would be okay for you to be on your own. Is there an age she feels you need to reach before that can happen? Does she not trust your friends?

    Crystal recently posted Public Relations Companies Devon.

  166. 167
    bridgette

    I am reading your book very slowly for two reasons.
    1. I have to share so much of it, I keep stopping to rwad a passage to my kids, or my friend, or my husband (who then looks at me funny and come on I am trying to share something really important here man!)
    2. I don’t want it to end!

    Yes, you read that right. I am either the worst mom or the coolest for reading The Bloggess to my kids (I admit to editing your language some). My kids KNOW when it is you and my son is STILL giving me grief that we didn’t fight 2 hour traffic to see you inLA when you came.

  167. Congratulations for you! I think there are also a lot of people who doesn’t want to go on live because of some things.. Anyway, I just love this post so much!

    Karyle recently posted Vacation Traveling.

  168. I think we need more people throwing in cow vagina and dead weasel references in the media.
    Quite frankly, I think you’ve done the public a great favour.

    You were really topless on Skype, weren’t you? …I’m onto you, Ms. Lawson.

    Britt recently posted Sweaty Tits and Heavy Boxes.

  169. I think you should have your own live radio show, I’d tune in for sure.

    Jes recently posted Makeup, Schmakeup. Or, why cosmetics commercials make me want to puke..

  170. OK I just have to ask…have you read Christopher Moore’s “A Dirty Job”?

    I think it’s right up your alley.

  171. You should be on SNL!

    John B recently posted perm-a-doodle.

  172. 173
    KellyBundysEvilTwin

    Well, I finished the book!
    And I loved it.
    It was very cathartic for me.
    Ironically I even got blood on it from picking at a scab while reading.
    Seemed very fitting though.

  173. Maybe naked blogging can be a regular installment.
    Or tube top blogging.
    OR you pick and then don’t tell us AND WE GET TO GUESS.
    Just an idea.

    Melissa recently posted Zooey Deschanel doesn’t know what rain is..

  174. I heard you on Dudley & Bob here in Austin, and it was so endearingly hilarious. Carissa from the show is such a huge fan of yours (as am I!) she was talking about it all week. Then she proceeded to get some sort of poison ivy-type thing on her hoo-hah while reading your book in a park.

    In short, thanks for some of the funniest radio I’ve heard so far this year. And we love you here in Austin, neighbor!

    <3, bipolar amy

  175. Ugh I had the same clothing fiasco as your skype call with my passport photo. I wasn’t thinking when I was getting dressed and wore a tube top to get my photo taken. Now I am stuck looking like a naked lady with green hair for the next 10 years. Awesometime.

  176. omg. The tube top – naked pic? Has me peeing.

    Love. <3

    Andrea recently posted Behind ... I am so..

  177. You should just pretend you’re naked on Skype all the time. Hell, I would if I could get away with wearing a tube top.

    Justine recently posted And my wolf pack it grew by one.

  178. At least it was a productive week even if you pretended to not be naked on skype. lol

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Friday Life Lessons – The Feel Good Depot Way.

  179. It’s official. The Bloggess is my new crush and possibly my one free pass (pending my husband’s approval).

    I couldn’t put the book down (I thought I was the only one who called them ‘Crazy pills’ at least my doctor made me think so) and I am telling everyone I know to read it. Some of my friends are all “Fuck Yes!” and others are all “You thought this was funny?”. It has made dinner parties awkward.

    Keep on keepin’ on!

    Melissa recently posted Live-arrhea.

  180. I am posting a note to mention I added you to my blogroll. I just wanted to let you know I really enjoy reading your blogs. If for some reason you prefer not to be listed on my blogroll, just send me a note and I will remove your link (or if you want me to add a comment or more information about your blog that is fine as well). You may view it at:
    http://justshyofperfection.com/blogroll/
    I very much appreciate you and your bravery and humor. Thanks!

    Stephenie Stone recently posted Wild Plum Jam.

  181. Just for the record, don’t wear anything tubey or tank toppy when you get your driver’s license photo either. You will appear to be naked, which is really kind of scary to department and liquor store personnel. It may actually help if you get pulled over a lot… …but still, not worth the crushing embarrassment. * The More You Know! *

  182. No, I think you need to be live frequently, the rest of the world needs to take itself less seriously and I think you can help with that, hard to be too serious when laughing one’s ass off. Just sayin. The tube top however, yeah, don’t do that again. No one over the age of 12, possibly 10, should be wearing those things.

    Keep being awesome, you are awesome at it.

    Tara recently posted I was the kid . . ..

  183. 184
    Donna George

    Ultimate compliment – My 13 year old son literally laughed at loud at these comments. And they weren’t even LOL cats

  184. Gah! Caferio!! There’s a town in WV (my husband and I are from there) we drive through now and again named Metalton. Now. How would YOU pronounce it? When I said, “Meh-TALL-ten”, my husband nearly drove off the road in hysterics….Love reading! Want to read the memoir now :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s