Conversation I had with Victor:
me: I wish I had enough money to buy a pony.
Victor: You’re not responsible enough take care of a pony.
me: That’s the beauty of this pony. IT’S ALREADY DEAD.
Victor: That’s sick.
me: It’s not “sick”. It’s dead. It’s way past sick. Plus, think of all the money we don’t have to spend on feeding a pony. We’ll make a mint just saving on pony food.
Victor: We already don’t feed a pony.
me: But this would be a solid reminder of that. It would be a perspective pony and every time we looked at it we’d think, “God, it would so expensive not to have a dead pony.” Also, my favorite part of this ad is the part that says “Have one to sell? Sell it yourself!” As if there were tons of dead ponies for sell all over the place.
me: We’d name it “Pony Danza”. Everyone on twitter is on board.
Victor: EVERYONE ON TWITTER DOESN’T LIVE IN OUR HOUSE.
me: Well, they’d all want to if there were ponies here. And the pony is estimated at over 100 years old so technically it’s an “antique”. Those things only go up in value. Plus, I could sing “Hold me closer, Pony Danza” to him late at night.
me: I also need an ethically stuffed monkey to ride it. Admittedly, this is getting expensive.
Victor: And stupid. You’re not getting a pony.
me: Oh my God, you sound just like my father.
Victor: WHAT THE FUCK WOULD WE DO WITH A DEAD PONY?
me: We could leave it on the porch to guard packages the mailman leaves. Or I could post ads on it and it could be my new mascot. And then when I get tired of it I could mail it to my sister since I promised Gabi (my neice) a pony when I was drunk. Remember that time she put that dead raccoon on my dad while he was sleeping? WE ALL OWE HER FOR THAT.
Victor: YOU CAN’T HAVE A PONY.
me: *sigh* So I’m just beating a dead horse then?
Victor: God. That was awful. Please tell me this whole thing was just a set up so you could use that terrible joke.
me: Not a chance. I really want this pony. We can put him on casters and rent him out at children’s parties. We’ll make back our money by the end of the summer. BEST DEAD PONY INVESTMENT EVER. Plus the internet thinks we could nickname him “Al Capony” or” Pony Soprano”. THIS PONY IS RIFE WITH COMEDY GOLD.
Then Victor left, mumbling something about not feeling safe in his own house and I went and checked my email to see if anyone wanted to buy some pony advertising and I noticed that Victor had strategically drained my paypal account only moments earlier. Ow, Victor. Just…ow.
PS. This is what the ad would look like.
Except it wouldn’t be for coke because they’re a bit too conservative to advertise on dead ponies. I need someone willing to take a chance. Someone with the marketing genius to try something new. Someone willing to lose $700.
I also need someone willing to buy a dead pony once I get bored with it because I have a feeling that this is an impulse pony that I’d probably regret buying a few weeks after he arrived. Impulse ponies are always like that.
You guys, we have our first advertiser, Filing Jointly, who is willing to pony up (yeah, I went there) the cash for half of the pony. Now I just need one more advertiser and Tony Danza is mine. Until I’m outbid, that is. Then I’ll just cry a lot.
UPDATED AGAIN: TONY DANZA IS MINE. Or at least, he is if no one else bids against me. The wonderful people at Camp Mighty (slogan:Making dreams come true) came through for the first half of the horse because even fucked up dreams need to come true sometimes.
UPDATED X3: PMS Comics really wanted in but the pony was already paid for so instead they’re pitching in for the inevitable unicorn horn and stuffed monkey-rider. THIS WILL BE THE MOST BADASS DEAD PONY EVER.
Updated X 4: Epiphanie Bags (which I love and own two of myself) is considering this pony a stable investment. You should buy their bags.
UPDATED X 8: Cowgirl Red (Artist and Goddess of the Plains) is in for a pony ad as well. My God, I love you people.
UPDATED X 10: There are few things more heartbreaking to read than “You have just been outbid on that dead pony that you REALLY needed.” Unless it’s “You just got outbid again, you stupid bitch.” I got both of those last night. I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the gist. The really disappointing thing is that I suspect Victor is one of the people outbidding me just so that he can tell the seller to keep Pony Danza away from me. Even Wil Wheaton understands my need for this pony, Victor. I realize I’m beating a dead horse here and I promise that very soon I will change the subject to something quite magical, but until then, pony ads are still open at $350 a pop. IT’S TOTALLY WORTH IT. Probably. And if I get outbid again I promise to use that money to buy something equally ridiculous, entertaining and furiously baffling.