In my spare time I read, watch Doctor Who, build haunted dollhouses, and write bad poetry. Like, THE WORST poetry. In fact, the poem I wrote today was so bad I had to run after Victor to get him to listen to the end of it and then after that he went directly to the doctor. And that’s a record, so I thought I would share:
Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”
Janie and I went to Marcia’s shower
expecting some pre-baby fun.
We arrived at her house at the agreed upon hour
and immediately wanted to run.
Marcia’s round belly was surrounded by girls who
regaled her with tales of their labor,
while Marcia grew paler and tried to grab onto
her wits, a life raft, or a saber.
“I pooped on the table,” said plump, old Aunt Pat,
(She made it sound like a boast).
Said Tiffany-Sue: “Oh, everyone does that.”
Marcia turned white as a ghost.
“For shame, now girls,” said reserved cousin Flo,
“Who cares ’bout your old lady bits?
Babies do much more damage as they grow.
Good heavens, just look at my tits!”
Within a half-hour I needed a shower
and Marcia and Janie looked faint.
“Why, that’s nothing” said gran, who fluttered her fan,
“You should see what they did to my taint!”
Of blood and of bile they prattled on blindly,
(By now Marcia was starting to heave.)
They showed c-section scars (a little unkindly).
It was clear that we needed to leave.
The talk of the girls
caused great twisting of pearls
and left us all thinking of options.
Janie’s decided to stay on the pill,
And I’m looking into adoption.
{ 377 comments… read them below or add one }
Bwahahahaha! I’m due in January… I have a feeling my baby shower might be even more graphic than this! Le sigh.
The baby shower will be around Halloween with the theme: RIP My Poor, Poor Vagina…
L-Diggitty recently posted..jewels of the interweb (volume 35)
LOLOLOLOL. Seriously, that is great!
I think the title is my favorite part.
You should think about writing greeting cards! You know, in case the whole best-selling author thing gets old.
Nicki recently posted..The Creeps
Never did I think I would hear the word “taint” in poetry, but it was worth the wait.
Nothing rhymes with “episiotomy”
But out of context “fleas who oughtta be”
Hilarious! The grandma line is classic.
Jason Black recently posted..The three worst words in fiction
I’ve never laughed so hard that I spewed a sammich out of my nose… until now. Holy canolli, that’s Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy awful! They have a whole species that would LOVE it!!!
Queen Of All Things Good recently posted..My Masochistic Tendencies
PART Vogon? At least 75%, my dear. The rest might be Ogden Nash.
Ellie Di recently posted..If you had one wish, what would it be?
This was awesome!
But you would try to save your grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal…or at least I hope so
What do you mean, BAD poetry? BRILLIANT!
sounds about right….
Lord…I nearly peed my pants (another side effect of childbirthd)!
love
HA. Oh yes, I will be sharing this.
HYSTERICAL!! And you are quite a good poet! Makes me want to run to all the pregnant ladies in the office and share. But I won’t.
The Borg Blog recently posted..Twitter Jail. Again.
Well, even if you are part Vogon, you aren’t planning on destroying our planet, right? Right?
That was actually a very funny poem. The Vogons wish they could write that badly!
Skye recently posted..Love is Not Geography
saw a onesie that said My mommy doesn’t need your advise…sound like there is a need for pregnant women as well
Ha! I love it! And yeah, I’m pretty sure baby showers are just an excuse for the old biddies to scare the bejesus out of first timers.
Erin recently posted..Sewing with a Double Needle, or, Why Haven’t I Used This for Years?
I regret my life now.
J. Kevin Tumlinson recently posted..i can’t drive 85
When I questioned a friend of mine about the pains of labour when I found out I was pregnant, she said (and I quote), “It felt like they cut of my tit and made me eat it”. Quite frankly that freaked me the fuck out……I now have two kids….I’m a sadistic bitch.
Victor doesn’t get it cause he’s a dude. I LOVE IT!
Absolutely..100% vogon
Lori recently posted..The Whole Chicken Gay thing.
Fantastic! This needs to be printed on a line of baby shower invitations immediately.
That’s fantastic. You clearly need to publish a book of poetry.
BRILLIANT. You may have just solved one of the greatest political debates of all times – A very wide distribution of this poem may completely end the need for abortion, because no girl who reads it will even THINK about letting any boy near her. This will please everyone on both sides of the political spectrum. Just make sure it gets distributed starting in kindergarten.
Please have this illustrated and included in your next book.
HA! I love it! Please make your next book an anthology of awesome poems!
Sam recently posted..This Is Almost Like A Stream Of Consciousness.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, worst poetry ever. That’s a *great* poem! Rings true.
Deborah recently posted..Communication and Guilt
ROFL
Love love love this!
Hahah. Excellent. Minus the babyscars and taint talk this sounds like an average conversation with me and my bff.
Shannon recently posted..How I lost 40lbs and Smelled AWESOME doing it.
This is freaking genius.
Perhaps a notch below Vogon.
They should teach girls in Health class/sex ed about the pooping and the ripping and there would be a definite decrease in the teenage pregnancy rate.
By the way, due in March and the stories are why I am keeping my mouth shut at work until someone calls me fat to my face
I declare it a masterpiece! And I teach college literature courses.
Worked for me.
Karen recently posted..focusing and daring greatly
Well we always knew that baby showers were the women’s equivalent to fraternity hazing.
Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted..T. Jin’s China Diner
Disagree! This might be the best poem EVER.
That is hilarious. And reminds me why I’m never having babies again. Ever.
Cathy recently posted..Nope… it’s not awesome
Yeah…first time I won’t be passing this along to my sister.
She’s due in two weeks, and is already irked at the horror stories people seem to NEED to share with impending moms. What the hell is that about, anyway?
Jess
Jess recently posted..This is not real. Is it??
That’s hilarious.
I’m glad you shared it with us.
(It’s better than a lot of poems I’ve read)
Claire J recently posted..Magic on the Eastern Seaboard
So not Vogon! Hilarious and why do women feel the need to tell only horror stories to pregnant ladies!
Tell them to teenagers….this kind of thing should be done instead of sex ed (hahahah Im kidding..sort of)
T
Tara Wasney recently posted..I got to meet Jenny Lawson and COPERNICUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was EXCELLENT! And relayed my feelings perfectly.
OMG I LOVE Vogon poetry now!!!
Ashleigh recently posted..Learning to Live with my Depression
Any poem with the word ‘tits’ is classy.
Korinthia recently posted..Art Chopped
I laughed out loud!! This was fantastic.
Kris recently posted..I Love Bill Cosby
Brilliant!
Kat Rowley recently posted..Never Piss Off A Vegan; They’re Always Hungry
Ahahahahaha. Ahhhhh, *this* has always been why I have never considered having children. I may have to memorize this for family functions when family asks when I plan on having babies.
Kera – Dreadnaught Darling recently posted..Burning Man 2012: A Birgins Journey To Black Rock City
Yes, you’d THINK we’d all kindly lie to the mommy-to-be. “Why, no, dear; my body looks like this because I fell out of a car and was dragged behind it by my boobs.” Also, Vogan? You, Miss Jenny, are my favorite.
“Episiotomy” rhymes with “knees spread widely”.
Emily Dickinson would approve.
Kat (@BeingMama) recently posted..Choosing to stay in the shadows
This is, by far, the funniest poem I have EVER read. Thank for the best laugh of the day!
So when will your new book of poetry be published? What do you mean, you haven’t written one yet? What, pray tell, are you waiting for? A formal invitation? Get going, you unbelieveably talented woman, you, YES YOU!!!!!
You write great poetry too? Of course you do.
Doesn’t qualify as bad poetry. The rhyme and metering are quite good. And the topic is priceless.
Sue recently posted..Bogie’s got mad skillz
Indeed.
crazyfasteddy recently posted..I’m ‘Even Steven’, Please to Meet You…
Tell her she’ll need more than the pill. I had a boy last March and in December, despite being on the pill (not the recalled one(s) either) I was pregnant.
Too hilarious. This is why I’m getting my “girls” a little perked after we’re done breastfeeding. I think after 4 kiddos I deserve it. {:
Sisifo recently posted..Left to Burn
As a member of the Brotherhood of Frozen Bags of Peas (Class of 1989), I salute this poem.
Just ordered the book, by the way, and am waiting happily for its arrival.
And from reading the archives, I was lucky enough to find the Midwest Teen Sex Show, so I’ve got that goin’ for me.
Can you start a line of greeting cards? This would be great for a baby shower gift. Especially if I was sending a gift and not attending.
You are right… so true: ” Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy ”
Lillian recently posted..It’s "Ask" Time
Um, hello, it rhymes! That is what makes a poem good. Trust me, I have a MA in Literature – I know my shit.
Natalie the Singingfool recently posted..WTF, Bubonic Plague?
I love it!! Thank goddess my grandmother never shares her labor stories….I’d never look at my grandfather the same if she did. I’m convince my mom and uncles were adopted, my grandparents never had sex!
Rea recently posted..Life cycle of a thought in my head
That’s not horrible, its GENIUS!! I love it!!!
Dude. I have a picture of my own uterus before they put it back into my body. Take that, Gran.
Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted..Facebook Friday: Alternate Occupations
That’s possibly the greatest poem ever written.
Fuck Keats.
Cat @ Breakfast to Bed recently posted..Wearing Suspenders in a Human Centipede.
Victor doesn’t know what he’s missing! That was BEAUTIFUL! It brought a tear to my eye… Sure it was because I was laughing, but it was a tear nonetheless
Maria recently posted..Day 3 – A little less ‘fuck the butterflies’-y. I assume that’s a good thing. And my house, in the middle of the street.
Ha! Perhaps more Ambrose Bierce than Vogon. Also some Dorothy Parker if she had been allowed to be more graphic about lady parts. Well done!
Robert K. Blechman recently posted..A Compendium of Executive Severance Reviews and Notices
I seriously just added this to my Anthology of Poems that is part of my Creative Writing class project. Thank you!
I think it’s fucking hysterical. Who else but you could make up a poem like this, make me read AND LIKE poetry, and have the word ‘taint’ in it? Awesome. Just good ol’ warm awesomeness.
Awesome. Just awesome!
Tish recently posted..Time
This may be one of the best poems ever written.
Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted..Fitness Friday: Identifying My Vital Needs
Seriously funny and seriously true
If by bad you mean bad ass!
jessie marie recently posted..Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!
Does it rhyme with phlebotomy? Cause I think they both are going in the same direction of your are going to be messed up either way. I thought you going Vegan, lol.
-Gina-
I don’t think Victor was running from your poetry (because it rocks!) – I think you skeered him with too much ‘pink parts’ truths.
I love your poems – keep them coming….
Bad??? It’s AWESOME… like Shel Silverstein, but for sick, twisted adults instead of sick, twisted kids.
Hey I’m not writhing in pain! My ears aren’t bleeding.
Any Vogon blood you have isn’t enough to “taint” the waters of your prose. Or get you any government benefits…
Heather recently posted..My Brain Off Drugs
I LOVE it!
I’m pretty sure I’d faint if I heard my Grammy utter the word “taint”. Then I’d have to scrub it from my brain.
Alyssa S. recently posted..On being six and learning to pick your friends
I could not stop thinking about Shel Silverstein as I read this. With some of his line-drawing illustrations? This would be an unstoppable seller! Especially if you could make a whole book of Sarah Samantha Sylvia Stout type poems about the process of raising children.
A tear.
Kat recently posted..The Dog’s Version "You Might Be a Dick If"
I JUST put the thank-you cards for my baby shower in the mail today. I wish I’d seen this post sooner, I would have begged you to let me include copies of this poem in with my cards!! What a great laugh
:)
Lol. I dreaded my baby shower and hubby had to come get me and drag me to my shower cause I loath girly stuff like that, and crowds. Oddly, it was not too bad because my nest friend hosted/planned it and she “gets” me. It was the most tolerable baby (or for that matter, wedding, graduation ,wake, etc) shower/party I have ever had to suffer, I mean go, to.
I need that poem and wish I was pregnant rigjt now…it would go in my shower invitation.
I also meed glasses and so I read that you were almost vegan and so I thought perhaps you had such a traumatic PTSD level wearing-a-dead-deer flashback that you had gone vegan.
opinion8dhermit aka g davies recently posted..There’s a Shooter
This is my first response to one of your blogs. Sheer awesomsauce! Am expecting my first grandbaby and would love to share, but baby’s momma is on my FB account and it feels almost evil to do so.
What the hey, I’m going for it!
That poem is the best birth control ever.
Sell it to some Republicans.
Melissa recently posted..I want to win a Blogroll Contest
Vogon! I get it!!
Sounds like granny had a 4th degree tear. That happened to a friend of mine. She loves telling that story. My ovaries shrank into my ribcage after that.
When are you going to show us some of your BAD poetry?
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..A Trip to the Zoo
I will be reading your poem at every baby shower I go to from now on. Anything with the word “taint” in it is just pure freaking genius!
Nora recently posted..Like a dude. Really??
Amazing.
That is all.
That was great! My daughter is at her 40 week appointment right now. I can’t wait to show this to her! I hope she laughs so hard, we can hold our grandson tomorrow!
Oh Freddled Gruntbuggly…
Seriously, yours is better
Cobblestone recently posted..Tuesday Motorway Music™, September 4 – going for an autumn on the rapid spin cycle
I had to google “episiotomy.” I would NOT recommend that anyone else does the same.
Other than that, it’s like you’re in my head.
Hilarious! Have to say, I think this ranks right up there with the BEST poems I’ve ever read
Heather recently posted..It’s Beginning to Feel A Lot Like the Season for Screaming
best. poem. ever.
That was very Seuss-ical of you! Loved it!
I KNEW there was a reason I never had children…
While gulping the baby shower kool-aid that makes many women immediately desire pregnancy, my friends and I decided to make a pregnancy pact. You know, like the ones girls make in high school where they clearly don’t have any adults in their lives and then they take a picture in the school bathroom with their GEDs and duck faces and big bellies? Except we’re going to take the picture in a public restroom with our college diplomas because we’re highly over-educated. I’m pretty excited about this picture.
Anyway, if this all pans out, I believe this poem may end up being framed at each one of their showers. And I’m going to share it with the first timers now, because I think it just about sums up how they feel every time they talk to me. I should really apologize for that…
Wow. That was impressively horrible, and yet a rather accurate depiction of baby showers.
In other news, it might interest you to know that John Barrowman seems to have difficulty keeping his pants on. /ThingsILearnedAtDragonCon
Danielle St. John recently posted..On Unemployment, or What Am I Doing With My Life
Lobotomy rhymes with episiotomy. Just sayin’.
And I love this poem.
Cheers!
I didn’t think there would ever be a tasteful way to use the word “taint”, and YOU PULLED IT OFF.
That’s what I call a win.
Banana Stickers recently posted..“Emotional Aneurysms”. Because the original title to this was lame as hell.
“penis far from me” sounds like episiotomy
Mamie recently posted..Project 333 Making Pigs Fly
It might not scan quite perfectly, but you can’t read it without laughing and wondering when Ogden Nash got so playfully dirty.
Holy crap… did you go to my baby shower? Lol hysterical
Imperfectmomma recently posted..My little parrot
I freaking love you. There’s really nothing more I can say (except now I feel way cooler that this is sorta like the poetry I’m prone to writing, and if yours is so funny, maybe there’s hope for me?).
Lindsey recently posted..The 30 Day Commitment…Again
And THIS is why I hate babyshowers and remain on the pill – because it’s ALL TRUE!
Best. Poem. Ever. (Because it had the word taint, and you just cannot find that in an anthology.)
Betty Fokker recently posted..Well, duh.
One of my aunts was in labor for 35 hours. She only had the one child!
MOTHER GRUBBING BRILLIANT. I’m going to freak the shit out of my kids and slip this into Where the Sidewalk Ends!
Gina recently posted..Mia’s 1st Day of 4K!
Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”
Ahhhhhh, I see what you did there.
LOVED IT.
Great poem, and so true.
Did you know there’s a reason women poop on the table when they give birth? Babies are born without immunities, and getting their mom’s excrement on their skin imparts the immunities in her gut to the baby. It actually could make your baby sick if you DON’T poop on them, so that’s another one of God’s lovely little gifts with a sense of humor attached.
I think my tubes just tied themselves.
GurlNxtDoor recently posted..And Then I Almost Rage-Quit the Internet
Awesome. This will now be shared with every pregnant woman I know
Oh God, my shower was JUST LIKE THIS!
Brilliant! Genius! I love your poetry!
HAHAHAHA!! I LOVE it!!
Lol, so insane, I love it. If you put together a collection of these I would buy it
It’s the kind of thing I would sit around and read aloud with my friends.
Mandy recently posted.."Special"
I feel this should be read again once I’m home and have access to my bongo drums.
Jenn recently posted..Zombie Apocalypse: Homeland Security Edition
I really don’t know why I try to drink a soda anymore when reading your posts. It all just comes back out. You ma’am, are wasting my soda money!!!! I of course had to re-read it three times.
Alrighty then, as fun as sex is, abstinence is now my new best friend. VIRGIN SLUMBER PARTY!
Christine recently posted..Canadian Feature Friday – Where we Won’t Cut off your Arms. Cause we’re Nice People.
You’re adopting?? That’s fantastic!!
This wasn’t horrible, it was brilliant!
I agree with the person who said you could have a career in greeting cards (when the whole best-selling author thing becomes a bore).
Rock on, Jenny!
MsDarkstar recently posted..Window Shopping (via the Internet!)
BEST. POEM. EVER.
I am happily childfree (by choice) and while I like kids, I always feel completely lost when surrounded by mothers talking about childbirth. I just sort of nod and smile.
Madfishmonger recently posted..Natural Hemp with Wooden Beads and Stone Bear by madfishmarket
Oddly enough, for the first time in maybe 15 years, today I used a Vogon reference. Then yours popped up. If I see a third today I’ll take it as a sign. Of what, I guess I’ll find out. By the way, your poem has a certain kind of je ne sais quoi. While you ladies get to actually create life, (which is totally gross) for me and my fellow males, we got the long end of the stick. Everyday. To admire at the very least, and enjoy to it’s fullest extant at best.
We get to enjoy the best a lot.
A lot.
Eric recently posted..How to Keep Your Marriage Sane
this needs to be made into a greeting card!
As funny as the poem was (elbowed my imaginary friend beside me while cackling with laughter kind of funny!)
it was even funnier imagining Victor doing the ol’ dodge and weave to get out of the house while you’re catapulting over furniture chasing him as you recite your poem.
My imaginary friend points out that there is something that rhymes with Episiotomy but the bastard won’t tell me.
Melissa M recently posted..Will never look at Thumper and Flipper quite the same again
I think you can make a case for ‘lobotomy’ rhyming with ‘episiotomy’…I always wondered why this little ritual of scaring the crap out of expectant mothers occurs…I LOVED this poem…
It’s beautiful because it’s true.
That wasn’t awful. it was awesome!
I’m really surprised that brothers and sisters exist. If men had children, everyone would be an only child.
I’m terrified of getting kidney stones because I know women who have been through labor and had a kidney stone, and they say the pain is comparable.
Heretic Husband recently posted..Privileged? Who, me?
Terrific poem … but that Haunted Doll House?? Totally the coolest thing ever! My kids would love it!!
You are right–that is awful–awful funny that is.
Morgan Eckstein recently posted..Changed the header to reflect the truth of this blog
Fuck what anyone else says, that is the best poem EVER. Take that, Robert Frost!
BEST. POEM. EVER. Why? Because it has the word “taint” in it, of course.
The BEST worst poem ever!
Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks recently posted..14 Years Sober.
That was pure genius and so very funny! and so very true of baby showers!
HAhahhahaha – I love you & everything you write!
I can’t tell you how many times you’ve made my day
PS – hope you’re feeling much better these days too!
love that vogon reference. but this is no ‘ode to a small lump green putty i found in my armpit one midsummer morning’. your limerick is full of rich imagery. it expresses the terrible shock of when we as women find out, once again that we have been fed a bunch of bullshit on how miraculous it is to be a woman. remember when you couldn’t wait to get your period? i personally would like to read more on shit like that.
You don’t write bad poetry, you write funny poetry. I laughed out loud reading this:)
If my baby shower turns this direction, all will be told unceremoniously to fuck off.
Karen Sanders recently posted..A List
Ohhh my goodness!!! This poem belongs on a card, or something….*LOL* too funny!!
I’m a labor and delivery nurse, out raising my own taint-busters haha, and I instantly wanted to rush back to the old L&D unit to post this one in the employee bathroom, next to the placenta spaghetti sauce recipe! Maybe it’s not for everyone, but for someone who has delivered so many a’babies, it was brilliant!
Vanessa recently posted..And I stared bacon in the face…
Yesterday, I was adoring my friend’s 5 week old baby boy while my confidence in the whole “I never want to have a baby” stand was wavering. Today, I remember EXACTLY why I never want to have a baby
Whitney recently posted..I’m This Kind of Crazy:
LOVE IT!!!!
THIS IS AWESOME!
And because I cannot shout with glee about this on Facebook (where all the extended family who were not told of the likelihood of such reside), my sister DOES NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER!! I’ve spent the last few hours laughing and crying with her and omg, IT’S NOT CANCER!!
That is AWESOME! Right up my alley!
At last, a Vogon with a sense of humor! Please, spare our world!
Here’s my effort:
All too often childbirth
Requires an episiotomy
Cause lady parts aren’t elastic
And they damn well oughta be
carmen webster buxton recently posted..Amazon came through!
The sick part of me thinks that this should be posted (or otherwise available) at all reproductive health centers. People could read it before their retrievals and transfers.
Seanna Lea recently posted..fe fi FO fum… yeah, I finished something!
That was so perfect! This has happened to me many times….but at the lunch table at work. I just can’t stomach all the discussion. I swear it makes my knees work like MAGNETS to each other.
Thanks for sharing. Truly awesome!
Kristen @ The Balanced Bowl recently posted..Chopsticks and School Books
Sincerely, Jenny, this poem needs to be beZazzled!
~EdT.
EdT. recently posted..Photo-a-Day: Such Nerve!
Also: carmen webster buxton FTW!
~EdT.
EdT. recently posted..Photo-a-Day: Such Nerve!
Holy sweet honourable Christ!!!
My eyes! My imagination! My va-jay-jay!!! They all hurt now….
This poem, the horror that goes along with it, and my own personal rules are why I have chosen to NOT have my own children. My Womb. My Rules!!!
http://www.1qtnewf.com/2011/08/my-womb-my-rules.html
Jennifer recently posted..How to get over a potato chip addiction.
OMG! That was a laugh I needed so badly. Thank you so much. And now, I think, I’ll never have children.
Eri recently posted..Whelp….
I can’t imagine ever getting tired of that poem.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..The kids will grow and go.
You must make baby shower cards with this. It can have the weasle on the outside. “My body is ruined!”
I’ve heard MUCH worse poetry, Jenny.. Seriously!
At any rate, The Doctor rocks! Did you catch the first new episode since the break? it was mind-blowing!
Moving on: you recently wrote about your soul-crushing depression… You want to talk depression? My book barely has a PULSE, never mind still being on the NYT list after 4 months! NO ONE outside of my little home in the Niagara region gives a fuck about my work; of course, I know they have no reason to in the first place, but COME ON! “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” describes my entire writing career so far…
I tell you what, Bloggess, I have a proposal for you: come up with some kind of crazy stunt for me to pull – short of breaking any laws, I’ll do WHATEVER you want – and I’ll do it, providing you review my book and give me your honest opinion and a blurb.
I don’t expect you’ll see this or respond, but if you do, get creative and give The Hook a challenge worthy of the reward, okay?
P.S. I’m going to repeat this message, as I’m sure you don’t have the time to actually read every comment. Hopefully, sooner or later, I’ll make contact and we can talk business.
Talk to you soon, I hope!
Absolutely fantastic!! I thought about sharing this on the Birth Without Fear page, but I think it might scare all the pregnant ladies lol I love it!
Bailey recently posted..EEG’s and Sleep Deprivation
Ok, I’ll be the ass-hat (unless someone beat me to it…).
Nothing rhymes with “episiotomy”
How about Daddy-stitchery…
Thank God I’ll never have to go through childbirth. Personally, I don’t know why Victor was running from you. It’s a pretty good poem if you ask me.
Courtney recently posted..You’re not a good neighbor, State Farm.
Lobotomy rhymes.
Having been to many a baby shower, I know all this poem is true. And it cracks me up, and reminds me why I continue to be child-free by choice. But no one has compared the beauty, rhyming, and humor of it yet to “The Cremation of Sam McGee” by Robert W. Service. Once you read that Jenny, you will see that your poem is not horrible, but GENIUS and a fabulous piece of literature to be cherished.
bloody brilliant.
and i mean bloody.
Hilarious! I really love the title.
I write bad poetry, too!
Kathleen recently posted..Ouija, Lockdown
That was amazing. And gave me more material for my “reasons not to have children” file. Thank you.
SarcasticNinja recently posted..It’s Tough to Be the Queen – Part 2
hmmm… maybe “sneezed it outta me”? although we all know that’s bullshit, right there.
Bernadette recently posted..My Time Is Not Mine Own
While not the best poetry I’ve ever read, it’s funny and perfectly timed.
I have a baby shower to attend on Sunday, another in a few months (the first’s sister is also knocked up) and I am due in March.
Kristina recently posted..9 Weeks
I consider myself fairly well-read and intelligent. I didn’t know what “Episiotomy” was. So I googled it.
Many pictures appeared instantaneously. I may have vomitted a little in my mouth. I am now packing up my bags to go home because I am quite sure the IT police at our firm are on their way up to charge me with…. something. Between that search and the one I did earlier…..I’m sure I have violated some sort of moral codes.
(I thought I had a loose strand of hair on my cleavage today. It wasn’t. It was a spider. I have spent the afternoon obsessively looking down my top because I have the “shadow crawlies”. I thought there must be a term for that type of OCD. I couldn’t find one.).
Jenny, I don’t know how much or how often you read these comments but if you are checking them out today (Friday 9/7) go over to Google. They have a Star treck 46th anniversary Doodle and it is so cool!!!!!
When you play with the doodle it goes to different scenes (Tribbles and Gorn)! Oh, and turn on the sound!!!!!
ROFL! You *are* a poet!
episiotomy:
sought to be
thought it oughta be
best poem ever! I agree that baby showers are like fraternity hazing, once you are at the shower stage there is no turning back, they may as well show clips from the movie Alien or The Fly because for a first timer it is that fucking foreign.
I adore this. So much so that I’m going to share it on Facebook. At which point we’ll learn if Grandma knows what “taint” means.
Definitely more Ogden Nash than Vogon. Not once did my own intestine try to strangle my brain whilst reading your ode.
Fantastic and I just know you will turn it into a dear little card.
jenny – are you there? knock, knock. i know you’re in there. i have a stuffed wolf made of rabbit for you. i was at your minneapolis reading. i gave you a business card with my info (it was black and shiny). i need to know where to ship the wolf. my husband does not find this wolf made of rabbit sleeping in bed with us humorous. (just kidding. i sleep on the couch. i wouldn’t want to crowd the wolf.) please email me……angela.
Okay. HILARIOUS. And disgustingly TRUE. Unfortunately. I hate when women get like that…
Maybe 30% Vogon….sex Ed classes should teach the reality of pregnancy. If more girls knew that popping out a kid means vagina rips and pooping on a table in front of strangers our teenage birth rate would be way lower. Or maybe higher. I don’t know what teenagers are into these days….
Megan recently posted..It’s not bad spelling, it’s a love for Gary Larson
You’re much better at bad poetry than I am. Too funny. I always loved the wive’s tales everyone threw at me when I was pregnant: don’t lift your arms or it’ll strangle the baby, chocolate is toxic to your fetus, etc.
OMG! Your Vogon poetry had me in tears!!!!!!!
Flabbergasted Mom recently posted..Pirate booty
Grandma is a classsic and of course the title is so very true.
Mexmom recently posted..What teeth cleaning and parenting have in common?
oh sweet Jesus, that’s totally what happened to me the whole time my pregnancy, not episiotomy’s, but ever Mother telling you every horror story ever. I have of course, started doing it to my pregnant friends. I AM EVIL. I’ll never forget when I asked whether it would be worth it having a mirror, and you told me,”it’s like watching your cagina blow a meat bubble.”
Vagina, not cagina, I don’t have one of those, I swear.
Rudy recently posted..28 weeks, 7 months and quilting your face off
Brava, darling! Brava!
You saved my day! I was having a hard battle of depression over only being able to have one kid despite always having wanted a large family. This totally brightened my day!
Thanks!
Any chance the store might sell a “Victor Lawson 2016″ bumper sticker?
Well, I just loved it
But what’s a taint? Do I have one? I’ve had three children, should I worry??
Aside from that, I did love it, and thanks for sharing!
Adoption is the way to go. I have no scars, no horror stories (about my body), and my tits still look great. Oh, correction. My tit looks great. Maybe if I had gestated a baby and then breast fed it, I might not have lost a breast to cancer. So, there’s an upside.
ScarletTerri recently posted..A Couple of Days of Productivity
The title reference MADE MY LIFE. Forever. I love you.
Suzanne recently posted..Sunshiny Days
That is NOT bad poetry. Dorothy Parker would have been proud to write that.
During the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I had a ‘boyfriend’ for whom I wrote a loooong and awful love poem. Once school started, I submitted it for the student writing magazine the school put out each year. I didn’t know how bad it was, I was 13, leave me alone.
Three years later, I walked into art class to find that someone had written the entire monstrosity up on one of the less-used chalkboards (I’M OLD! BITE ME!) and signed their name to it. For a fraction of a second I was deeply offended, but then I read the thing for the first time since it had been ‘published’.
“Nope,” I thought. “They can have it. In fact, they just did the equivalent of taking credit for someone else’s public fart. I’m actually kind of grateful.” And I wrote down their name, in case I might ever have the chance to do them a favor as well.
No I didn’t, that’s a lie. They’re on their own next time they fart in public.
One more thing:
“Give me a labotomy” half-rhymes with “episiotomy.” Half-rhymes are a thing; ask Shakespeare.
One more thing. Give me a labotomy half-rhymes with episiotomy. Half-rhymes are a thing. Ask Shakespeare.
So you saved the ‘taint’ reference for ol’ granny, huh? If MY grandma had known what a taint was, well… we would have been much closer, I’m sure. She was a lady-like type who would discreetly distribute copies of “Our Bodies, Our Selves” to all the female cousins in the family. I guess that’s almost as awesome as knowing what a ‘taint’ is.
Kristen Mae recently posted..Say Something Nice to Me
You are the Dr. Seusse of the impending pappoose. Bravo!
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted..Sometimes All It Takes Is A Japanese Beer
Episiotomy rhymes with Gitoffame … Don’t you think?
That is actually tremendous! Laugh out loud funny and you kept a good meter! At a bad poetry slam jam and stitch n bitch that we held a few years back, I brought out this gem.
An Ode to my thigh
Oh great blobulous goodness
Oh sweet shudder with each step
Oh magnificent sweetness
Of each cellulite moment.
Never go away great love of mine
Hairy and pallid and oh so fine.
I love you, you magnificent bastard.
Now that’s some shit right there.
I’m a poet, and I give it my stamp of approval.
Also: Poor Marcia.
When I Blink recently posted..The Stunning News No One Saw Coming
That is Hilarious. Love it! Why I think it’s a brilliant poem! Lol
I think you should write an entire book of poems. And perhaps entitle it something to the effect of: Jenny The Bloggess kicks poetry’s ass. or Jenny Lawson: Makes vagina scars funny via poems.
I think it could be your next best seller.
Tanya recently posted..Letters to my Day: Volume 2
awesome.
craftytammie recently posted..quiltcon blocks!
This should be hanging in every high school girl’s washroom. Just saying.
Andrea recently posted..Tampons are not toys
ROFLMAO! Thank you Jenny!
OMG THat was one great poem. Brought back so many memories that I had successfully buried years ago. Only, and I mean ONLY,a woman could possibly understand, remember, and laugh. Most men run away from it. Thanks, Jenny. You make me laugh through my tears.
My taint smells like lilacs.
Just kidding – it smells like cheese.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..This Was Written In The Nude
Okay, I woke up early today. So far I’ve discovered Geek bras, the Star Trek google doodle and now this!
Is it officially Awesome Day?
I may never sleep in again.
or maybe not.
i so regret googling episiotomy at work…
You forgot to add the part of how the child comes shooting out like a snot rocket, while ripping you from top to bottom because of your uncontrollable vomiting in place of the more gentle pushes.
Andrea of andreamulderslater.com has an excellent point, this should be in every high school girls’ bathroom. Zazzle up a poster of that bad boy, and we can buy copies to donate to local schools.
haha! I have 3 kids (glutton for punishment I suppose) and have had both vaginal, complete with double episiotomy, and c-section, with crossing scars that caused nerve damage. I can say, everything wrong to your body pregnancy contributes to, I must have had happen. And then, 2 of the little buggers didn’t want to come out, so I was carrying for more than full term…I am so happy to NEVER go through it again and happy to share with anyone expecting.
Melodie recently posted..Am I Autistic too?
I used to work in an all female office with 15 women…if even one of them was pregnant then this was the daily WORK conversation. (that was 17 years ago…i’m still childless).
This is the fucking best poetry I’ve ever read in my life. Totally why I’m never having kids.
Adrasteia recently posted..I’m so glad this had a happy ending
Dude, you just cured my sneezing sniffling allergies. Snorting diet coke out of your nostrils works way better than Claritin or Allegra!
rings true with me, and I think it is funny! Maybe you have to be someone with girlie bits to appreciate it.
Liar! That’s not a bad poem, it’s an awesome one
Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted..If you like it then you shoulda faked your own death and THEN put a ring on it…
LOVE it! best poem I’ve ever heard. EVER!
I laughed SO hard. It reminds me of the stories I heard at my friend’s baby shower. I’m glad I adopted.
I think this can go right alongside Garfunkel & Oates’ classic song, “Pregnant Women are Smug”!!
This poem’s quite good,
True – Shakespeare it ain’t,
But what genius usage
Of the word “taint”
Thank you for describing an experience I have had (and have been part of) in rhyme.
Why wasn’t this poem included in the book?
Oh right, she just wrote it
Lectus recently posted..Thank God It’s Friday!
Definitely not part Vogon! Love
Since we culturally have this silent unspoken agreement not to say anything about what it’s really like so we don’t scare off the potential mothers, I won’t add that giving birth feels like trying to shit a pumpkin. That poem made me chuckle, awesome work
imp the sane recently posted..i is for intermittent, internet, intelligence, and illiteration.
Victor OBVIOUSLY doesn’t understand good poetry.
And I thought nothing would rival the discussion of the “goody bag” I received at my bridal shower with the requisite comments from 70+-year old women, which included statements like “I didn’t know they came in colors!!!” My mortification was complete.
Best. Poem. Ever. Where were you when I was forced to study this stuff in high school??
And I thought I was the Queen of Bad Poetry. I doff my hat to you! And by hat I mean this one:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/105985023/silver-dalek-ear-flap-hat
judy recently posted..Giveaway!!!! Are You Feeling Plum Lucky Today?
Bwahahahahaha! I scared my hubby laughing at this poem.
Alyssa recently posted..Time for some fun
For the record, not everyone shits themselves during childbirth.
Jen Maselli recently posted..Hey! I knew I left that blog somewhere.
This was hilarious and chock full of exceedingly useful information.
I don’t often write poetry, but when I do, it is almost always in the form of painfully bad limericks directed toward my ovaries and their uncanny ability to up and explode every once in a while.
For example:
AHEM (clears throat)
There once was a hateful left ovary,
who thought its host was living life too jovially.
So that motherfucker burst,
and the girl, how she cursed,
then decided she was feeling too soberly.
So she drank a shit ton of whiskey.
*Bows*
Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted..“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,’ said Alice, ‘Because I’m not myself you see.”
I fucking love you.
Jen Tidwell recently posted..PAX-ified
Now THAT’S my kind of poem. You certainly have a way with words.
Marie recently posted..HELP! I Can’t Get My Skyrim Wife To Put Out.
LOL! yep, never having children
Hahahaha! I wish I had your poetry writing skills, madam.
Yetisaurus recently posted..You Guys Are Samurai
Is labor as painful as the baby shower? Because that sounds bad enough.
Stacey recently posted..True Colors
Brilliant!
Bahahaha! The poem is funny but it’s NOT funny or kind when women do that to each other. I’ve had it done to me & it’s better when a friend breaks most of that stuff to you kindly. Some things, I’m afraid you have to learn “in the moment”. Next time, I suggest a Valium before virtually any kind of shower.
You had me at Vogon.
Personally, that is how I’ve always felt about babies, having babies, and showers of any sort. Yuck. How annoying. Then again, I don’t claim to be a poetry afficionado.
Red recently posted..Love Hurts
Yours may be the only poetry I actually enjoy (and I do, so very much. )
Bad poetry? I think that’s the best freakin’ poetry I’ve ever read!
Hmmm. What rhymes with “effulgent?”
I. Love. It! Limericks are great, but a whole poem?! AMAZING!!!
Uhhh, yeaahh.
I’ve got to say the whole baby/pain thing is pretty boring. Everyone thinks their story is unique–like women haven’t been having babies for thousands of years.
“Golly gee, I bet I’m the first woman EVER to _______.” (just fill in the blank w/ your complaint).
Oh my god, that is amazing. I didn’t even think I liked poetry, but I definitely like yours. (Bawdy limericks should totally make a comeback.)
Is it wrong that I want this to be required reading for all teen girls?
Natalie recently posted..And Then I Ended Up on a Gang’s Hit List
Bra-voh
I call them the “birth horror stories” that seem to be the right of passage for all new moms. It is one of those things you don’t know about until it is too late. After having my two kids, I think I have heard all the versions of these stories from every mom I know. It’s kind of like the big fish stories I suppose men tell each other (or whatever else they may discuss…I don’t want to know) – the stories get wilder and more ridiculous with each telling. I don’t understand why women do this to each other except being some kind of strange “one-up-manship” showing that my birth experience was worse than yours sort of thing. I am just happy I had two happy healthy children and I never never want to go through any of it again!!! Anyway, I liked the poem. Thanks for sharing.
Thank You. I needed that.
I think it’s great! I have a friend giving birth as we speak. I’ll show her your poem in a year or two, it’ll be funny then.
@L-Diggitty (first comment on the post), I’m so having a halloween themed pregnancy for whatever girl I let have my children. That is awesome.
Bloggess, excellent poem. I may have to start poem-ing myself to try and match your awesomeness. A hat tip and a flick of the peen to you.
Not exactly Saint Michael recently posted..Death of a Fantasy
That is freaking hilarious! Now you need to do a whole book of them. I’d certainly buy one!
Love it! The real scary parts of having children aren’t even in those threats. Well played.
Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted..Married Sex After Children
Best. Poem. EVER.
Wiccandove recently posted..Byzantine Chainmaille Necklace Royal Purple and Stainless Steel by EleganceinChains
Fantastic! Is there no end to your talent?
Brenna recently posted..Maybe this will save my TV
Note to self: never read Jenny while drinking something — or put a tarp over computer and keyboard to avoid “spillage.”
This is so funny. I hope to see a book of poetry in the future.
Lily from It’s A Dome life recently posted..1 out of 1 Fathers Prefers Changing Diapers To Jillian Michaels
fantastic! thank you, I needed a laugh today!
So funny and so true. Brings back memories of my pregnancy and labor. The first thing I did in between contractions was get an enema. That was my biggest fear: pooping on the table in front of my husband. Little did I know I would have bigger problems than that down the line. Thx for the poem!!
Becki Jolly recently posted..TV Review: The New Normal
I snorted, I gagged, I held my breath, I teared up, I laughed till I peed, and all that before I read past the title.
I gotta say I LOVE YOU and thank you!
Having recently popped one out. I understand ….
Brandy recently posted..Excuses, excuses!
LOL!
That poem needs to be sent along with invitations to baby showers to tell the ladies to keep their horror stories to themselves.
You are my hero.
That deserves a chapter in What To Expect When You’re Expecting! Divine, Diva Jen!
Vogon Prostetnic Jeltz would be THRILLED to put his name on that!!!
Brava! Brava!
Ha, ha, ha!! Loved this. Crap poetry indeed.
I’m so glad I’m in menopause.
Kathleen Cassen Mickelson recently posted..First Five Fragments for Friday
Oh my goodness! Just shared this with all the ladies in my pregnancy group (we are all due in December), and my mom. My mom thought it was great (and she’s quite conservative)!
I’m sure there’s SOMETHING that rhymes with episiotomy…but nobody wants to see that word in poetry either
Me? I might just stick with dogs.
Jen recently posted..Smiling Blue Skies Walk to End Canine Cancer ~ Toronto
I think you need to pitch your poetry to Hallmark.
Emiliy recently posted..And my face hasn’t even frozen like that yet…
Hilarious
It makes me think of my birth story…god, it didn’t go well. I scare my pregnant friends and have vowed to never mention it again (not that I’ve ever overshared thank goodness).
I will just let them find out in their own time that it’s not all sunshine and unicorns
x
Kez recently posted..Let me tell you a SHORT story.
Au contraire, this may be the finest poem I’ve ever read.
Maybe no Chaucer, but dead. straight. ON!
Public service announcement: this is why you should have a coed baby shower. I’ve heard childbirth horror stories at every all-female baby shower I’ve ever been to, but I’ve never heard anyone tell one at a shower where men are present.
Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted..How to Eat Fruit
Fecking genius. Bravo.
Chelsye Garrett recently posted..Paris Wallpapers
I’m pregnant with my 3rd right now so all pregnancy/labor humor gets my undivided attention. I LOVED this. You’re so right, it’s all so true and freaky and so disgustingly true!! Thanks for the laugh, as always!
Anything with gran and taint in the same line is pure magic in my book. The world of limerick writing is largely unexplored. There’s gold there. Mine that shit, baby.
Joules recently posted..Hugs Can Heal. So Can Reform.
Rhymes with “Episiotomy”
“My gynie recommends some things,
Like an episiotomy,
And when my legs are spread like wings,
Oh, my! He sees a lotta me!”
oh my, jesus fing christ. you might just be the funniest lady I know. I’m not even sure, bla de bla de bla. I’m going to have to reassess how funny “we” are, but I’m ptretty sure you won. Thanks for making me laugh, over and over again. here’s to happy times, happy times……
So great to have you back and in rare form
didn’t see way to send link via email, so here: you may laugh or cry at these poorly stuffed animals http://www.lostateminor.com/2012/09/07/man-these-are-some-really-badly-stuffed-animals/
That was great! Friggin’ funny!
I can see why it would chase any guy out of the room though.
Wuss!
Cheryl D. recently posted..Beyond Precocious
I think it’s perfectly fabulous! It needs to be forever preserved in cross-stitch and hung on B&B walls around the land!
Kerstin P recently posted..Babies suck!
That was the best poem ever!!!! I loved it!! Even had my husband chuckling!
Gran with her taint had me laughing out loud! I once belonged to a book club and no one ever wanted to talk about the book. I swear every mother there talked about her labour experience. Every time. Maybe it’s an Austin thing.
TriGirl recently posted..The Indisputable Proof that I am Not Related to Lance Armstrong: ChelanMan Sprint Tri (the bike)
I’m dead now. I just died laughing.
Meg recently posted..Winter is Coming… to kill me.
That is an awesome poem! WHY are baby showers so horrible? I always tell pregnant women HAPPY labour stories or keep my mouth shut.
edj recently posted..What’s On My Nightstand–end of summer edition
Dennis (267) – great try! But, for poor old Taswegians – what does taint mean other than to mar or mark?
Susan Hogan recently posted..Lollipop Ladies and Sherbies
There is some “epistrophe” joke in there somewhere. I won’t make the joke. But I imagine a stuffed brown bear or maybe a yuppie and a beaver facing off . . . saying exactly the same thing. That’s epistrophe!
(lame, but I tried)
Awesome poem! And I truly wish more women had shared real-life stories with me before I went into labor. I was in the “oh god I can’t poop on the table” camp so I went for the enema. NOBODY told me it would make the contractions be times 50!!! You’re stuck in the bathroom in labor (times 50!!) and nobody will help you, due to the fact that you’re still walking. Don’t do it, girlfriends. Don’t do it. Lack of dignity (which you won’t have anyway when you give birth) trumps dignity.
You should make an ENTIRE BOOK of poetry, because this is the single most beautiful thing that I have ever read.
That was brilliant (and I loved Agatha’s poem too–#195). I’ve always wondered why women tell me these horrible stories…and then turn around and try to convince me that I should have a baby.
I loved that poem
Its been such a journey going through pictures of your haunted house…its truly precious. <3
Diya Ganguly recently posted..La la la la la
WORST?! I think you mean best. And also, I dont want to think about that ever ever ever again. Bleh.
Mayor Gia recently posted..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOYFRIEND!
When you start with a title like that, there’s really no where else to go – except taint. Too funny and wrong, on so many levels.
Denise Malloy recently posted..Still Holding On – and Holding
BF wants sex as soon as I log off the internet. He’s in bed right now waiting. I do not have kids and after reading your poem I am now scarred for life. Thank you. *sigh* off to deal with the naked man. I will direct him to your poem in the morning by way of explanation…
*DIES* Oh my stars, this is INSANE!! This is nowhere NEAR Vogon poetry, because the only tears I have are tears of laughter! That’s fantastic, and so so true to life!
Laynie recently posted..6:44 am already?? New goodies at Redbubble!
Your poem just made my morning! As someone who is expecting their first child in 6 weeks, I couldn’t help but grimace and laugh at the same time.
Ashley @ Simple, Sweet, and Southern recently posted..DIY Star Wars Maternity Shirt
Please hang that on your refrigerator!!!!
Also, you should now reward yourself with alcohol.
)
Hugs!
Valerie
Valerie recently posted..The Perfect Plan for Serial Killers (Patent Pending)
LOVE IT!!!
Tamara Tipton recently posted..Why?
I truly, deeply love anyone who knows where her towel is.
Maria recently posted..The Paleo Diet: Rich in Irony & Vitamins
My god, that is brilliant. It will make the best baby shower card EVER.
I’m pregnant and I howled with laughter at this post. I’ve already heard it all, and there’s 5.5 months to go! LOL
Dumbest argument ever:
Random stranger, on hearing I don’t want kids: “But if you HAD a baby, you would love it.”
Me: “Um…yeah. I’m not a sociopath…”
This is so great. And so true.
Venassa recently posted..I Love Being a Lazy Mom
OMG…. It ALLLL makes sense now…. The very first post I read of yours was about the towels, now I know why you needed more towels!!! I love that you are a hitchhikers fan and for the record, when I feel a bad bout of depression/ anxiety coming on, my mantra is “DON’T PANIC” …. Love you Jenny, keep up the good work…. The Vogon blood has no affect on you btw lol….
“Don’t tell your friends about your indigestion,
‘How are you?’ is a greeting, not a question!”
I think you would like Dorothy Parker’s stuff.
Isophorone recently posted..Democrats Claim McDonnell “Poisoned” Biden
Hy-ster-i-cal! I am dying over here!
Love it!
For women experiencing a first pregnancy, ignorance really is bliss. If your poem was read at the beginning of every baby shower, no one there would have the guts to tell their own horror stories.
Worst one I was told, while I was basking in the joy of just sharing my pregnancy news with the world: my neighbor’s mother-in-law had, and I quote “varicose veins in my vagina so large they were hanging out”. Luckily for me, I had no idea what a varicose vein was so my relation was all WTF?
lol, so true!
Cassondra recently posted..Chick-fil-A, don’t'cha just love it?
I think my major intestine–in a desperate attempt to save life itself–leapt straight up through my neck and throttled my brain.
Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted..Clean Eating Prep Ahead: Eggs in Muffin Tins
Fan-fucking-tastic!!! And so true. Though I’m always the nutty crunchy one in the corner at those baby showers yelling at everybody, “It’s really not that bad! Try natural childbirth!”
Meg recently posted..La Mancha List Part 3
Oh, bliss! A Hitchhiker reference, in the same week in which I was re-reading it. Love the serendipity of it all. Love the “bad” poetry.
Teresa recently posted..Dramatic Paws
Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs this morning. It seems to happen at every baby shower doesn’t it? I really don’t need to know that your hubby asked the doctor for extra stitches or that you no longer need an incision since this is your sixth kid. TMI!!
HAHAHAAAA!
I used to read poetry like that when I was a kid
I seriously think you’re the love child of Dorothy Parker and Ogden Nash. Your poem is fab.
Courtenay Bluebird recently posted..Super-Secret Friday Night 5-Minute Dance Party [Julia Child Remixed]
I love it! That was fantastic!
I’m not even sure if there’s a word for that kind of poetry.
(Seriously, you’re my hero. I suffer from depression, too. You’re good medicine.)
EPIC.
FUCKING EPIC.
Victor can’t appreciate art, obviously.
I feel the need to cross my legs tightly right now…
Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted..Day 2 Cross Canada: Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario to Thunder Bay, Ontario
I would love to tell you how absolutely excellent this poem is. I would love to tell you how much it made me laugh. I would love to tell you about the absolutely hilarious mind-pictures that you created in my addled brain. I would love to tell you all of these, except for the fact that I am a man, and I am quite certain that thousands of women, led by my darling spouse of over 30 years, would beat me to death with any object at hand if I thought I was so much as qualified to speak to any of these subjects. So instead, I will tell you how much I laughed at the thought of you running after Victor, and Victor then going to the doctor. Now, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!
I followed the link from Pregnant Chicken and I’ve just got that poem is AWESOME!
This currently 17 weeks pregnant lady identifies with this so, so much. I already think “oh my God, what have I done” enough right now without people regaling me with their battle stories.
You’re right – that was hideous! And so true at the same time. The joys of being a mother.
Crystal Ponti recently posted..The Wizard of Oz in Maine?
I need to share this with my friend. She’s due in 8 weeks…or maybe I’ll read it aloud at her shower. Either way, thank you for being so giving to share your poetry with us! <3
Rachel recently posted..Enameling Fun!
LMAO!! You are so funny
this is poetry i can read and understand. you had me at “nothing rhymes with episiotomy.”
monica recently posted..Crack German Dark Chocolate Cake (presumably with gluten)
OH MY GOD, that syllepsis was AMAZING!
So, I finished Let’s Pretend This Never Happened this morning.
….Where’s book 2?!?!?!?
THIS IS SO GOOD!! It’s funny but also clearly shows you have a gift at writing. I love it!!!
episiotomy?
squeeze it outta me?
P.S. Best. poem. ever.
It seems that we’ve finally found a successor for Dr. Seuss.
Well done young one.
Bodaciousboomer recently posted..WTF WAS THIS MOTHER THINKING??!!
Vogon, my ass. Enough with the false modesty. That poem’s a hoot and you know it.
There is your next book idea. “Terrible Poems for Any Occasion (including your Down-There)”
hohmeisw recently posted..A solution to all problems
You referenced episiotomy and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in one post. Thank you for your brilliance!
please keep on with the poetry and prose…don’t stop now…
melissa wye geraci recently posted..free
I will be performing this as a dramatic reading at my sister-in-law’s baby shower. Which I’m hosting. I’m expecting it to be epic.
your poem really made me laugh. and that’s why I avoid baby showers
OMG!! Seriously awesome!!! You must write more of these!!! LOL
Thanks alot Jenny for making me have to chew off my own leg.
Roald Dahl would have written this if he had a vagina. And wasn’t dead.
Far from terrible. Very very far. But I can see you might have scared Victor away after talking about an old lady’s taint.
Kayla recently posted..Lizards and Melons and Thunder, Oh My!
I have thought a lot about this. Used to be on the board of directors for a midwife run birthing center so there were many stories told. Truthfully, I believe there is a PTSD element to childbirth and one cannot escape the reliving of the experience. We had debriefing sessions for new Moms to tell the birth story as a way to help heal the trauma. People don’t want to hear it and the new baby gets all the attention.
And now I can’t stop trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “Episiotomy.”
Whorrified recently posted..THE TOP TEN REASONS EVERYBODY LOVES LISTS
I tell everyone the BEST way to have a baby? Sign some papers, get on a plane, have a very sweet woman place a beautiful baby in your arms, get back on the plane, fly home. No stretch marks, episiotomies, sagging tits, mucous plugs (the graphic MY friend shared with me about her pregnancy that made me flee a baby shower), morning sickness, etc.
Ahhhh…if only I could now skip the pre-teen snarkiness…..
Valerie P. recently posted..The Stuff Legends Are Made Of…
I was scrolling scrolling scrolling to add my unique and fantastic comment but got distracted from the pain in my wrist from all of the scrolling.
And also how many of your readers have blogs and write about mental illness. It’s something, Jenny. It’s something.
Lexi Sweatpants recently posted..The Pharmacy In Me.
as a former Labor & Delivery nurse, that is the most awesome poem I have ever read, keep it up!
This totally needs to be read at my baby shower, I’m due in April. That’s amazing!
Jennifer W. recently posted..I should hang out with George A. Romero, maybe we could do lunch?
This poem is AWESOME. Why should VICTOR be running from this poem? It’s the ladies who should be scared shitless. Me, I had one of them thar episiotomies you speak of and it was FUCKING AWFUL. My doctor pretty much split me in half after I got too tired to push my daughter out; I think the sane half is still roaming around somewhere living the life I’ve only dreamed of. Maybe I should write a poem about it, and if I do, I will totally give you credit for inspiring me.
Leila recently posted..Days 5 and 6 and My Daughter Is A Mermaid
That. Is. Hysterical.
LOLOLOLOL!!!! That should be on a hallmark mothers day card…btw, it is damn good poetry.
Mommy In a blender recently posted..Top 10 ways to ensure your child’s University tuition is spent on therapy instead
BTW- I was so fucking out of my head with pain, I contemplated the window, literally… I was wondering if I could throw myself through it… but decided I would probably just bounce off; flattening my face instead. When the anestheliolegist finally showed for my epidural, I was convinced he was Patrick Swayze…
Mommy In a blender recently posted..Top 10 ways to ensure your child’s University tuition is spent on therapy instead
a poem only a Mother could love!!!!
Speaking of haunted dollhouses…. I found this on Etsy and immediately thought of you!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/94677733/electric-chair-dollhouse-miniature?ref=sr_gallery_29&ga_ex=etsy_finds&ga_utm_source=etsy_finds&ga_utm_medium=email&ga_utm_campaign=etsy_finds_090512_0&ga_filters=halloween+horror&ga_page=24&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery
I’m a new fan and just wanted to leave a comment about how much I loved your book. I stumbled upon it at my local library (where I DO judge a book by its cover) and couldn’t put it down. So sorry I didn’t discover you in time for your Tempe tour date.
What I wouldn’t give to have been on that plane with you and Jean-Louise when you asked the flight-attendant if your son could see the cockpit. Hysterical!!
That was epic.
EvalynnRose recently posted..some more actual writing – chapter 3
Best. Poem. Ever.
Excellent! You should submit this poem to added into the umpteenth latest edition of “What to Expect, When You’re Expecting” Love it!
P.S. I did Pin Hunter S. Thomcat. Uh, THAT sounds utterly wrong! But you know what I mean?! I hope.
Best poem ever… seriously
How about “dichotomy?” Can’t guarantee the spelling….
When I was pregnant with my son, I spent many an evening with my mom-friends, begging them to Shut UP! I didn’t want to hear their tales. Thank you for this. I will be forwarding this poem (great work of literature that it is) to all of them.
I’m planning a star wars themed baby shower in January…I’m so using this poem at the shower. Thank you for your genious!
i kind of feel normal for putting a crime scene in the bedroom of my doll house now.
bad poetry? are you bonkers?? that reads out loud beautifully, and hiLARiously, and horrifically for my 14 year old son sitting on the other couch…you’re awesome
LOL! Too funny. I must share this with my wife and daughters, and “girl”friends.
What the fuck did the baby do to gran’s taint????????????
Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted..I’m Having Hot Flashes Because Our Air Conditioning Died, NOT Because I’m Over 35
Awesome. Just awesome. THIS is why I am childless.
I was in my mid-20′s the first time I heard that women often poop on the table during labor. One of my close friends told me about it after it happened to her. To this day I think that was one of those Childbirth Secrets that you NEVER tell anyone ever and let them find out on their own.
Tonya recently posted..How Do You Want To Be Known?
I am a poetry writer as well and this here is some brilliant work. I simply love it…
You two are the smartest women EVER…just saying.
I’m heading to baby shower this weekend, mind if I use this poem to liven things up?
We ripe women have a duty to warn you young pg’s about the joys of delivery. Don’t give us grief. And…
The doctor said oy vay, dear you need an episiotomy
Thank Got, screamed I, just get this damn alien otta me.
PS Love you Jenny, but I love your dad more. He is funnyness.
I once screamed the word taint about twenty times in a crowded restaurant because I didn’t understand it had an alternate definition and nobody would tell me what it meant. So I just kept yelling, “will somebody please tell me what is so funny about taint?!”
Sara recently posted..Wil Wheaton, Matthew Dow Smith, and a New Car! Did I Win the Lottery?
You owe me a new pair of panties! Just royally soiled mine, reading this! Amazing!
Brea
Brea recently posted..Aaand We’re Back!
This is amazing. Awesome!
You should compare notes with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England.
That is brilliant. I love it!
Hm, illustrations are coming to mind…
jenny gee recently posted..Vignettes un autre fois
Where is the like button..?
Um, that was a pretty fucking awesome poem. Like seriously.
This may be my favorite poem ever. Including all of those gems in “I Could Pee On This”.
Sounds like my baby shower. I told them all to fuck off. Then I had a 1 hour, 45 minute labor. I made sure to go back and let them all know it too.