I’m slowly being murdered by my own face

me:  My allergies are killing me.

Victor: What are you allergic to?

me: Weed.

Victor:  Then stop smoking weed.

me:  No.  Ragweed.  It’s a pollen or something.  And it’s causing me to suffocate myself.

Victor:  Um…what?

me:  I can’t breathe.  I’M DROWNING IN ME.

Victor:  Unlikely.  At best you’re drowning in mucus.

me:  No.  Because I’ve already blown my nose so much that my nasal tissues are all inflamed and swollen so technically my own body is smothering me.  It’s like my nose has given up on life and is taking the rest of my body down with it.

Victor:  Sounds bad.

me:  It’s like a murder attempt that you can’t even report.  BECAUSE THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Victor:  You’re making even less sense than usual.

me:  That’s because there isn’t as much oxygen getting to my brain.  It’s like my nose is trying to cut all the lines of communication.  HELTER SKELTER, VICTOR.

Victor:  You need to go lie down.

me:  And it’s not just my nose.  It’s my sinuses and my throat and my itchy eyes.  It’s like my whole face is colluding together to kill me.

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  Is that a thing?  “Collusion to murder?”

Victor:  Not when all the parties are from the same face.

me:  It should be.  When I die from this I want you to make a new law that makes faces accountable for murder.

Victor:  We’ll call it “Jenny’s Law”.

me:  No.  Call it “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”.  That way people will look at it.

249 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Been there, done that. I was briefly allergic to cold water as a kid. Tough stuff there.

    Lorca Damon recently posted It’s My Parents’ Fault.

  2. Two words: Neti Pot! Promise you it’s the grossest/coolest thing you’ll ever use, but it will save your life.

  3. Wow, this is happening to me too. You are not alone Jenny! We need a support group or something.

  4. I used to get random hives on my arms for no reason. They were good for entertainment value, I totally freaked out my high school algebra teacher once. And they tend to take you seriously when you show up at emerg. But yeah, I’ve been there with the whole face-trying-to-kill-you thing and it sucks balls. Mine went away when I moved to a different part of the country.

    Christian recently posted Illustration: “Stein-Lining” by David Ezra Stein.

  5. Ugh. Allergies are the worst. Come to the east coast where we have a hurricane on the way! :)

    Stephanie recently posted Bravery.

  6. I’m allergic to doing laundry, if I die I hope that the women of the world unite to ban laundry.

  7. Totally with you, Jenny. If enough of us call the cops they can’t ignore us, no matter where the call is coming from.

  8. I can completely relate to this! It sucks but I’m glad to know that I’m not suffering alone – misery loves company. I tried the Neti pot but it was an unmitigated disaster. Like the world’s worst tea party…. and there were no cookies. I have since gone to using the Sinus Rinse product by the same company. It helps a lot (use it in the shower – less messy) and no Alice in Wonderland flashbacks.

    Kim recently posted Fall Garden Update #3.

  9. I think you’d have to throw a unicorn in the title somewhere, just to make people not be able to look away. Because if there’s a government law about something apparently not real, like unicorns, people aren’t going to be able to help themselves!

    Hope you feel better soon!

    Amanda recently posted that time I went to Europe: part two - Monte Carlo.

  10. stay away from sunflowers…they’re part of the ragweed family.

  11. Definitely have been there. Treatises on Time Travelling Ninja’s would definitely get my attention.

    andie recently posted Months later, reflecting on an unexpected text message.

  12. Ugh. You have my full sympathy! I’m dealing with some of that myself, plus in order to get to the my doctor it involves a 15 hour train ride each way. (But generally on the train rides, old Ukrainian men offer me homebrew, and nothing clears out those sinus faster than a swig of questionable moonshine!)

  13. I laughed so hard at your post. Love the description because it’s so true!

  14. Ragweed sucks. Hope you’re feeling better!

  15. This is why I come here… because the “news” leaves shit out.

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted Chicken Socks.

  16. when I was pregnant (a long time) ago my boobs were so ginormous I thought they were going to choke me at night while I slept

    another near self-homocide. I empathize.

    Christine recently posted Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.

  17. Thanks! I laughed so hard my sinuses cleared themselves. So, now I guess that throws a wrench in your theory because you could technically heal yourself. Just sayin…

  18. I would totally support a Treatsie on Time Traveling Ninjas. :-)

    I have horrible allergies too, and then I got sinus surgery and they widened the little holes that drain the mucus. Way TMI I suppose, but it’s like night and day now. I can BREATHE. My face isn’t trying to murder me anymore!! You should see an ENT. Seriously. It’s good stuff.

  19. Hysterical Jenny!

    Feel better! If you die, I will champion your cause!

    Xoxo
    Cathy

  20. Treaties on Time-Traveling Ninjas. The EXACT search term that led me to your post.

    Heather recently posted I’ve Got the Moves Like Jaggar.

  21. when I was pregnant (a long time ago) my boobs were so ginormous I thought they were going to choke me in my sleep.

    another near self-homocide. I empathize.

    Christine recently posted Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.

  22. I think the fire ants in my yard need to be convicted of hate crimes. I’m pretty sure they’re singling me out because every other person in the family can walk in our yard, shoe free and never even see a damn ant, but the minute I step into the grass, they swarm me. Right now my left foot looks like it has the plague from the 20+ bites I got last weekend. Bastards.

    Alyssa S. recently posted Damn you Camouflage Day.

  23. 23
    wasnt_serious

    Would the phrase ‘if looks could kill’ be included in the Treaties on Time-traveling Ninjas?

    Was in the exact same place two weeks ago, only I have no allergies, so my face and lungs were just in cahoots to knock me off.

  24. I agree, sinus rinse, but I prefer the squeeze bottle one that is made by NeilMed (they make a netti pot too).. but this one is EASY… and the advice to lay down.. that’s like Victor is an accomplice to the murder!!! UGH, Really can’t breathe when laying down!

    Lisa-Marie recently posted Spoooooky....

  25. You have a point. Jenny’s Law sounds very drab. No offense.

    L-Kat recently posted Guess my Halloween costume.

  26. It’s a relief to know that this happend to other people, too. My sinuses will, without warning, swell in on themselves and try to kill me in my sleep even when there’s no mucus involved whatsoever. I’m incapable with sleeping with my mouth open, so you know, I practically suffocate when it happens. I blame nasal spray. Did you know it’s addictive? And you shouldn’t use it more than 3 days in a row? Well I didn’t when I used it as a teenager, and seeing as I don’t like suffocating to death, I used it too much one cold and now it’s like my sinuses remember it and crave it and try to bully me into using again by swelling shut. Nowadays, I must suffer through until I hit my peak of nasal suffocation, and just for that one night, I give myself a fix so I can sleep through the night.

    Feel better.

    Lindsey recently posted His Name is Helmut.

  27. All I keep thinking is “I want a love like Victor and Jenny”. I think somehow that makes me VERY twisted.

    Ashley recently posted My date with Tom Cruise..

  28. I always get to be a boogery mess about this time of the year. But you know when I would really be in trouble? is if i was around all your cats when you are dressing them up in wigs. I am insanely allergic to cats. That would be a slow murder for me if anyone wanted to ever kill me.

    I don’t know what I would call that one since i don’t cats to go to prison. They are already overcrowded.
    Kiran

    Kiran@Masalachica.com recently posted Normal.

  29. That’s the worst! Feel better soon!

    Jaime recently posted Motherhood and More: Housework slides down priority list.

  30. HAH! My allergies are the same. I’m like “dude, I’m drowning in mucus and cat hair,” and NOTHING HELPS.

    deva at deva by definition recently posted Dressing like an Adult.

  31. *hugs* Hope you feel better soon

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Cheer up!.

  32. Fall. Such a beautiful time of year when the leaves changes, and the cool crisp air combine to viciously annihilate our nasal cavities.

    Abby recently posted Depression Lies. And it would seem he has a bitchin relationship with bipolar disorder..

  33. Allergies suck. I was never bothered by pollen until I got to be about 38. Then, like you, my face decided it was time for me to die.

  34. 34
    Kathryn Franks @Thrushiebaby

    My uvula is so swollen I think it’s trying to choke me, I get it!

  35. Man, I love you people! :)

    LIl recently posted I'm sad....

  36. So, if your face does, in fact, kill you, would it be considered suicide? Maybe we should have you diagnosed with schizophrenia so they could say you were murdered. Then we could blame it on some creepy persona your brain created and Jenny would be off the hook. Or do you think she’d be considered an accomplice?

    Shit.

    I think we need to ponder these thoughts a bit longer, so please don’t die yet.

    Mel recently posted Guilty.

  37. I had my face pull this crap on me every day for 29 years. Misery doesn’t even start to cover it. I tried everything but the only thing that works for me is steroid nasal spray. Lovely lovely steroids, up my nose, every day and it’s glorious. Precious oxygen – how had we never been introduced until 2009?

    Bee recently posted Primark Latest Collection Picks.

  38. …just wait until you hit Austin’s Cedar Fever! Expect to spend January in bed! Yes, the whole month. (It hits many people in year two of living here.)

    Elodie Chartier recently posted It’s that time of year, again? Already?.

  39. You can’t die because we need you in this world. You are the BEST kind of fucked up! XOXO

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Anime Girls.

  40. I accidentally read it as Treats for Time Traveling Ninjas. If they show up on Halloween, I’ll totally have treats ready for them.

    Barbara recently posted Nordic Naturals Review & GIVEAWAY!!!.

  41. I’ve been sick for a month, so I sympathize. I’m not certain how a body can possibly produce this much mucus, but it seriously needs to stop!

    Here’s hoping your face stops trying to kill you and that you feel better soon!!

    tigger62077 recently posted Fibroid help?.

  42. Jenny’s law is what we’d use if Victor killed you but since you’re killing you, Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas is the only way to go. There needs to be a clause about restraining orders not working. Your face refused to leave.

    Arnebya recently posted This Child Is Your Child, This Child Is My Child (and neither is better than the other. Right?).

  43. This happens to me several times a year. I survive but am dumber for it each time.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted A Trip to the State Fair, Part One.

  44. 44
    abby_wan_kenobi

    I read that the physiology of nasal inflammation is the same as the physiology of an erection. So basically, not only is your face trying to kill you, it’s doing it while aroused. That’s really f*cked up.

    btw, that fact was gleaned from Bonk by Mary Roach, which I strongly recommend.

  45. All I got out of this is that you’re stuffy and for some reason think that Charles Manson was motivated by pollen.

    moooooog35 recently posted Scar Wars - Episode V: The Scalpel Strikes Back.

  46. How does one convict a face of such a terrible crime? It’s like double jeapordy, right?

    Cathy recently posted Coming out of the dark.

  47. This is the best description of nasal allergies I have ever read. It would have been complete if you had only added the hurricane-force sneezes that give you whiplash and break your ribs. It’s like being mugged by pollen on crack.

    Lynne Thomas recently posted And I didn’t even get a sucker….

  48. But wait a minute…I thought you were murdered by a pony just last week…how do we know that your face isn’t just a patsy?!?

    Erin recently posted All Day Spaghetti Sauce.

  49. OMG, I know exactly how you feel! My allerigies are conspiring to kill me too! Tell Victor not to wait. He needs to get started on Jenny’s Law NOW!

    Nicki recently posted Conversations With Liam.

  50. I feel the same way. The huge lugey in my throat is going to kill me as well.

    gorillabuns recently posted confused in a maze.

  51. That is my whole year ragweed, mountain cedar, grass pollen, mold I don’t have to watch the allergy report on KSAT or the other local stations I know the pollen count by my ability to breath. We moved to south TX an I am allergic to it. I take two allergy meds every day furring ragweed season I have to use an daily inhaler or activities like sitting cause me to wheez like a 60 yo carton a day smoker. It’s awful. What I’m trying to say is I feel ur pain.

  52. I would so read that law… My best friend is going to be a lawyer. I’ll make this her top priority.

  53. Sounds less like pre-meditated murder…and more like a simple case of your face melting off.
    Perhaps you should go and lie down in the freezer until you solidify again?

    Claire J recently posted 24 hours in Paris.

  54. I’m just recovering from a terrible cold – I was dealthy ill. I swear I was all out of snot and was actually blowing brains out my nose. Just yesterday I realized I could breath out of my nose again, and think coherently. There must be a link between level of stuffiness and brain power. Get feeling better soon.

  55. Don’t forget chain sneezing. One minute you’re a normal, average human being and the next you’re going for the Guinness World Record for non-orgasmic involuntary expulsions! You wonder if this if going to be your new normal (and you wonder if the Seven Dwarves have an opening) until finally it dies of its own accord and you look around, surveying the damage. I sympathize and I’m with you!

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted The Only Published Twitter Novelist at the New York Public Library!.

  56. Heating pad on the face.

    What? That’s how I start every comment I leave in the Internets.

    But seriously try something warm on your face, everything will get less strangley.

  57. I have the worst allergies ever so I can totally relate. It really is like your face is trying to murder you. Then they told me I needed sinus surgery and took my adenoids out without my consent. (Ok. My mom consented, but does that really count?) They told me that my symptoms would all but disappear. 4 years later and my hayfever still makes me look Admiral Ackbar. . No relief AND you stole my adenoids. Thanks a lot, doc

    Katie recently posted I'm sorry m'am. Didn't see you there. I just thought you were a really, really big pastry. (Or: Why I'm going back to executive veganism...mostly.).

  58. Have you spoken to your doctor or pharmacist about what might help. Antihistamines, steroid nasal spray, that kind of thing?

    Dr. Legostar recently posted 10/25/2012.

  59. 59
    Leslie Mueller

    Whenever I need to laugh I just come here!!! You rock..allergies suck – had to have shots most of my life, then suddenly they left me. I am thinking I had an allergy ghost living in me and they just got bored.

  60. I really do feel like there is NOTHING worse than a cold and no one takes it seriously enough AT ALL. They are all like, “Oh, just a cold. Sorry.” And you want to shiv them.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Halloween Is All About the Costumes.

  61. “Collusion to Murder”

    My God–you just named my first novel!

    Robin Dance recently posted Natural beauty.

  62. yes the netti pot is a life saver, I use it every night before bed and can BREATH all night! It is kinda gross at first and sometimes it feels like your drowning your self, just keep your mouth open :) Good luck!!

  63. I feel like this right now too. It must be a conspiracy by faces everywhere to slowly suffocate their owners.

    Sabine recently posted Antics at the Pumpkin Patch-A Reenactment.

  64. I would look up that law. Better make sure you write it out for him though.

  65. Try holding an ice cube against the side of your nose. (One side at a time.) It will help reduce the inflammation and then you can breathe.

  66. I have never before read a more accurate account of what my allergies do to me. Thank you, Jenny, for your bravery in the “face” of such danger. You will always be remembered for trying to make the world a better place with your law. I salute you!

    Becki Jolly recently posted "The League": The Funniest Show I Never Watched.

  67. You’re much better at naming laws than Victor is.

    Kaitlyn recently posted The Choices We Have.

  68. Not to be gross but.. am I the only one who thinks ragweed smells like spooge?

  69. Funny stuff. I feel the same way and just got diagnosed with sinus infection. Hang in there and I hope you feel better. Thanks for making me laugh.

  70. I’m fairly sure that all the bad decisions in the world happen when allergies are making people cray cray.

    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted October 19th, 6:30 a.m..

  71. Legitimately LOLed at THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Ha!

    Nic recently posted My Real-Life Version of ABC’s Hit Primetime Drama Nashville.

  72. YES to all of that when cedar season starts in January, I’m already dreading it. Living in Texas sucks sometimes.

    Kalli recently posted Greeked Out.

  73. Same thing happens to me- you need to get those nasal passages on steroids! ;)

  74. My allergies give me vertigo so I tell people I’m drunk instead and throw up on their shoes.

    Stace recently posted The Next Big Thing.

  75. 77
    mydogfartswhenshebarks!

    I discovered this week that sleeping with my windows open was letting in all the pollen that germinates during the night & was causing my face to try to murder me. So, as a solution to it being too hot without the A/C inside, even though it’s only 60 outside, I am turning on my A/C at night so I can breathe. This is working great for the breathing issue, however, by 2am I’m too cold to get out of bed to go pee. So I wait under the covers until I have a “hot flash” so I *can* go pee & turn off the A/C, so I can go back to sleep. Needless to say, with all the sneezing and peeing, I’m not getting much sleep.

    Shut the windows at night and feel better, Jenny. :)

  76. I would TOTALLY read “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”~! Is it time travel if you’re transforming from one face to the other? I think it should be.
    I’m allergic to pineapple :( LOVE pineapple. But have to be very careful around them!

    Diya Ganguly recently posted Tired. Sleepy. But worth it..

  77. I agree with Lee. The Neti Pot is a lifesaver. It takes some getting use to, but well worth the effort it takes to get use to it. Saved my life (from my face) many many times!

  78. 80
    Mrs.Goodnight

    I know that line “Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face” is just advice, but in this instance it may help. Or is may hurt. I’m on the fence with this one. Best of luck! I live in the Ozarks so I have mucho sympytheo.

  79. 81
    Margaret Osako

    I actually have an appointment with an ALLERGIST today, because yeah I get the hives too, for no good reason. Not sure what a good reason for hives would be… maybe for emergencies like airbags? or to get out of going to school functions?

    My husband has sinus/nasal allergies and swears by the neti pot, and I’ve actually had amazing success with acupuncture… talk about freaky.

  80. Victor told you to go lie down, that’s like he’s trying to conspire with your face to murder you! I’m going through the same thing and I find laying down is the worst position to be in, I find I am suffocating more that way than when standing or sitting!!!

  81. omg. YOU are living my life. Right this very second. Every single second. MY life is that. And it sucks.

    Andrea recently posted How old are you now?.

  82. I feel your pain as I just recovered from a cold and cough that even after I got an antibiotics shot, left me coughing for more than 3 weeks.
    I used saline solution with a syringe in the nose and it works wonders.
    Hope you feel better soon!

    Mexmom recently posted Being busy at work and finally feeling good about it.

  83. I don’t think it’s so much a lack of oxygen as it is snot displacing brain. If they did an MRI of my head it would show 90% snot pushing my entire brain into the corner that makes me still want beer

  84. A couple days ago I forgot to take my allergy meds. Was standing at the sink, coughing so hard I nearly barfed. And nearly peed at the same time. I HAVE to take Claritin D (store brand actually, is cheaper, and make sure it’s the 24 hour one) or I nearly die. Give that a try. I don’t recommend Allegra. It gave me stomach pains & headaches from hell like I was getting kicked in the head. Feel better soon, Jenny.

  85. I HATE that feeling! The swelling of the sinus tissues is the worst. I hope you feel better soon, and that your face stops trying to murder you. (My husband thinks my feet have designs on him because they dance around while I am deep in an otherwise immobile slumber…)

    Katie recently posted I’m A Sensitive Soul, Though I Seem Thick Skinnnnnned….

  86. Two words: Hilarious! Musinex!

    Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) recently posted You Got This! You Can Do This!.

  87. I’m right there with ya, my allergies are trying to make my head implode :( Hope you feel better soon.

  88. It feels like my sinuses are trying to beat me to death from the inside. Must be the ninja’s. It is always the ninja’s.

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted Wednesday: Hills of Noodles.

  89. “I read that the physiology of nasal inflammation is the same as the physiology of an erection. So basically, not only is your face trying to kill you, it’s doing it while aroused.”

    …OMG. That’s nightmare material right there.

    And “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” is the PERFECT name for a law about being murdered by your own face.

    Jessa recently posted Fe Lady.

  90. Advil Cold & Sinus (or any generic version thereof) is the miracle drug when that happens. You have to get the kind with the good meth-making drug, not the weak new shit. The pseudephedrine dries up the mucus and the ibuprofen takes care of any swellling. It’s totally worth being treated like a drug dealer to purchase.

  91. If you are allergic to RAGWEED – you may also have a sensitivity or reaction to the following because these are related in the botanical family: dandelion, calendula, echinacea, burdock, chamomile, boneset, safflower, coltsfoot, chicory, feverfew, milk thistle, mugwort, yarrow, valerian, banana, cantalope, and melons.

    http://voices.yahoo.com/ragweed-allergy-medicinal-herbs-5463463.html?cat=5

    http://allergies.about.com/od/fa1/f/melonoas.htm

    http://www.aafa.org/display.cfm?id=9&sub=19&cont=267

    Personally, chamomile causes my throat to swell, and years ago, I unknowingly used an eye makeup remover with this herb as a main ingredient. As a result, my eyes were swollen and closed for 3 days. Since then I’ve deliberately reduced my exposure to these “cousins” of ragweed.

  92. 94
    Imperfect momma

    Time traveling ninjas? I would so pay attention. For like a second at least

    Imperfect momma recently posted What insomnia does.

  93. teehee! I know this feeling, all too well!!! Feel better!

    Michele C. recently posted Week in My Life ~ Wednesday 10/24/12 #weekinmylife.

  94. OH, that’s an easy solution – you just cut off your head and put it in the freezer until allergy season is over. Actually, you have to put your body in the freezer, too, or else it rots. Then, as Christmas draws near, you take everything out of the freezer and put yourself back together, being very careful to line-up all the correct blood lines correctly, and by Christmas day, you’re back to a regular shade of healthyish.
    Works like a charm.

    Erica recently posted My cat is a zombie…from hell.

  95. 97
    Quasi Hatrack

    If time traveling ninjas come back to a time before they signed the treaties do they have to abide by the conditions set forth in the treaties?

  96. Could the ragweed be considered an accomplice?

    Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted Morning Aire... um I mean Air.....

  97. A claritan a day keeps the mucus away.

    But you have to take it EVERY DAY, even when you don’t feel sneezy. I always feel better after about a week, and then forget. The first couple of days, not much of a change. Someone told me they take two a day, but I’d consult a doctor …or try 2 a day out on Victor first and see what happens to him.

  98. My face tried to murder me over the weekend. Since it was unable to get the job done, it then hired my chest and lungs as hitmen to finish me off.

    Sarah recently posted We’re Not Going to Count this as My Official 300th Post….

  99. I feel your pain. My legs seem to be allergic to my own sweat. In the summer time if my legs get too hot and sweaty, they swell up and get all red in this weird heat rash thing. It’s very uncomfortable to walk places. This is definitely a problem I am incapable of running away from.
    Feel better soon!!!

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted Not Quite a Real Post.

  100. All parties from the same face is very anti-Republican. Feel better — that sounds positively miserable!

    Marnie recently posted On Becoming Liz Lemon.

  101. YES Neti Pot! I cannot emphasize this enough! Totally natural, can use it as often as you want and it WORKS! Best stuff for allergies EVER. And yes, it’s kind of gross/cool/weird.

  102. Every 2-3 years my allergies get that bad. I try to prevent it with a Neti pot and Flonase, but when it gets really bad, I go get a Cortisone shot. That clears me up in a couple of days.

    Jon recently posted Spooky Story Dice.

  103. Oh, and you can get a Neti Pot anywhere. Here’s a link to what I use (and LOVE) http://www.walmart.com/ip/SINUS-RINSE-KIT/10324362

  104. yes, on the neti pot. but either boil the water first or use distilled…don’t wanna also get a brain eating bacteria.
    I had allergies so bad on the day of my wedding that my pictures had to be from a great distance to not be scary!

    Linny recently posted Vintage Rooster Tablecloth Napkins Set-Made In Portugal-96"x54" Reversible 1960s by linbot1.

  105. OH! I know exactly what you’re talking about!!

    I take Zyrtec for allergies and when they were horriffic my doctor gave me a nose spray — one of the older ones — that reduces the swelling of the sinuses! Also, take advil to reduce the swelling, and alternate humid hot air and cold dry air, just like you do for kids with the croup. You have croup of the FACE! ;)

    Katie recently posted Paper bag tree.

  106. Your next book MUST including a chapter on “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”. At least you think of every possible reason as to why you’re face is trying to kill you.

    They need to invent a cream or drug to stop the mass murders of faces killing people. It could be an epidemic. The inventor of such a cream or drug will be so famous. I could totally sue if someone does create such a thing because it was mine idea. You read it here first, folks….I invented the concept of cream or drug to solve the face murdering epidemic!

    Why isn’t there spell check on here – always have to open up an email to cut & paste my comments because epidemic is tricky….just sayin’

  107. I’ll add my vote for the Neti pot. Takes a little getting used to, but SO worth it! Also: Hot and Sour soup. MUCH more effective than chicken soup at opening up those sinus passages! You may need to experiment to find which allergy drugs work for you. Allegra works ok, but nothing stops the histamine reaction colder with me than good old-fashioned Benadryl. Yes, it makes me sleepy/groggy, although oddly enough, if I have allergies and actually have histamine in my system for the antihistamine to react to, I find it doesn’t affect me as much. Sleepy is an adequate trade off for “being able to breathe.” If I have to stay awake, 12 hour time-release Sudafed gets me through the day. It’s a decongestant, not an antihistamine, but it serves its purpose. Hope you feel better soon!

    SharonCville recently posted Nostalgia.

  108. Vaporizer with camphor…horrible smelling stuff but it makes it all better.

    Renia Carsillo recently posted The life of a salesman. Why common courtesy has everything to do with it.

  109. I agree…Nettie POT for your WEED problem. What? What?!

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted They Asked, I Answered.

  110. I’m trying to figure out what color wristband your cause should have. I nominate the following:

    – A split-pea soup green, symbolizing the mucous. Ew. I just grossed myself out.
    – Red. Both the color of your nose AND the traveling dress project. Winner winner, ballgown dinner!
    – Tardis blue. Although, I must say, when I was in college I once convinced my brother-in-law to let me paint his nails that color of blue for Halloween, and the name on the bottle was “Cyber Blue.” It could be another whole advertising-on-the-sides-of-cats debacle.

    Julie recently posted This weekend (10/27).

  111. I know how you feel too! I rock the Neti Pot when I can, but sometimes my sinuses are so inflamed the water goes up but won’t come back out the other side! Until like five minutes later when you’re talking to someone and your nose pees all down your face. It’s really charming.

  112. Ah, yes. I refer to that feeling as, “My body is trying to reject my face.” Feel better.

    When I Blink recently posted How To Choose Pet Names (Not That Kind of Pet Names, Sugarlips).

  113. “Not when all the parties are from the same face.” Oh god, that made me giggle. Victor’s awesome.

    Also, being a ragweed victim every August/September…I’m a fan of Claritin D (the shit you have to get from the pharmacist because they’re afraid you’ll make Meth if you buy too much of the good allergy meds). It’s the only one that dries out AND de-swells.

    Jess recently posted I am not Yoda, NaNoWriMo.

  114. Claratin?

    Heretic Husband recently posted Wackjob Wednesday 10/10/2012.

  115. Your conversations with Victor are my absolute favorite. I mean of anything ever. I really do think collusion to murder is a thing. But they would have a hard time with the trial because the main perp would be already dead. It’s like one of those funky mind games like which came first the baby fox or the mommy fox. But, I digress.

    Sara recently posted A Letter to THAT Mom.

  116. I feel your pain. I just spent a month fighting off a sinus infection. My best advice is to irrigate your sinuses with saline, take some advil sinus to reduce the swelling, and then take some mucinex to cut down on mucus production. Avoid all dairy, it only makes you produce more mucus.

    Keep fighting the fight, don’t let the face win!

    Nita recently posted On Ice.

  117. I didn’t read the comments so if someone said this already I’m sorry. Powdered vitamin c saved my life one time when I had allergies. I don’t usually have bad allergies but rearranged some dusty books during the spring and was wheezing every time I breathed. I mixed 1/4 to 1/2 tsp of powdered vitamin c in a few tablespoons of o.j. a couple of times a day and voila! no more allergies.
    You can tell if you take too much vitamin c because you get diarrhea. If that happens back it off a little. Totally worth it, though.

  118. Allegra-D is my friend. And by friend, I mean “that thing that makes it possible to breathe while elevating my blood pressure beyond the ability of my meds to control so that I die of a stroke rather than allergies, so I have that going for me.”

  119. I wonder sometimes if it’s a good sign or a bad sign that my brain follows your natural thought processes as if they were my own. (Since I think that way too, I’ve decided two against one and we win. Plus we have tits. And tits always win. Every single time. )

  120. I’d say it’s a facial conspiracy. As for treating your allergies, though, I had some really spicy wings last night which left me able to breathe clearly for the first time in months. But I don’t recommend it because it made my tongue feel like it was on fire, my eyes teared up like crazy and when my nose finally opened up, I kept getting weird looks from the waitress because I was wiping my nose constantly. And for those wondering, I threw away my own napkins. I didn’t make her do it, which may have been what she was worried about.

  121. Unfortunately, it’s allergy time in Texas. Everyone is dying.

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Hitting my stride….

  122. I’m another victim of “the ‘weed” wait till your lungs are the one’s trying to kill you. Those bastards are evil when they get pissed off.

    Ashley recently posted If Men Were Like Candles.

  123. Blargh. My sympathies. I am thankful my allergy issues usually end with headaches that last for days or constantly-watering eyes.

    Feel better.

  124. Imagine your mucus molecules traveling through your sinuses, and singing to themselves the lyrics to Helter Skelter.

    “When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
    And I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
    And I get to the bottom and I see you again
    Yeah yeah yeah “

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS # 9 - Pseudos Pt. 1.

  125. EAT LOCAL HONEY!
    You can get local honey at your health food store. Eat it however you’d like, and as much as you need. Because the bees use the local pollen to make their honey, it acts as a vaccination of sorts, lol.
    TRUST ME, it WORKS.
    My mom and my husband both suffered horrible hayfever, and have not had one itchy sniffle since they started eating local honey.

  126. My allergies are conspiring with my immune system to make my death look like an accident. But I’m on to them…I’m on to those little S.O.B.s…

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted So I Wasn’t in NY Just to Sight See and Take Strange Pictures for You….

  127. Face murder would be hard to prosecute, though. I mean, it would pretty much always be a murder-suicide situation, right? Or suicide-murder … I’m not really sure if you or your face would die first.

    Jillian recently posted Will It Hold Up? I Have No Idea: A Literate Adult’s Return to the Forbidden Game House of Horrors.

  128. I think you need to make Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas a thing. Also, good luck on fighting the murderous face. I usually experience that attempt once or twice a year myself.

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  129. Didn’t know how else to get this link to you but to put it in your comments – I hope you read it! The CDC has a Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Guide – yeah, it’s kinda funny and right up your alley – enjoy! Oh, and thanks for all the wonderfulness of the last several years :)

    http://blog.fema.gov/2011/05/from-cdc-preparedness-101-zombie.html

  130. I hate when I have sinus issues. I get paranoid because I’m always afraid I’ll end up getting an ear infection from the sinus drainage backing up into my ear canal.

    I actually had my eardrum rupture my freshman year of college when I got a cold and all that gunk backed up into one of my ears. The worst part was even after the stabbing pain in my eardrum subsided (after it ruptured and the pressure was relieved), I still couldn’t hear. Try going to lectures and not being able to understand half of what’s being said. God, that sucks.

    I finished my meds, still couldn’t hear. Ended up going to an ear, nose & throat specialist. I told him what happened and he had me hold my nose & blow (so he could find the spot where my eardrum had broken). When I did, he said “Oh yeah, I can see that stuff bubbling”, then proceeded to get the world’s smallest vacuum and suck all that crap out from behind my eardrum! When he got done, I could hear out of that ear again! He put me on heavy duty antibiotics and got the infection cleared up in no time.

    Now I don’t fool around when it comes to sinus blockage. I start having trouble, I’m on decongestants ASAP to keep from going through a similar ordeal again.

    I so did not mean for this to be so long.

    Courtney recently posted Life with an older dog (and other fun stuff).

  131. I’ve told you before to try NetiPot. Even if you don’t like it, the video of you trying it will be a big hit on your blog.

    So your choice – drown in your own secretions or risk drowning over a sink with a nasal saline solution with the second unlikely, that is drowning since there are no reported cases, but resulting in relieve.

  132. I see the comment about netipot. I read if you *don’t* used distilled water, you can get some virus that will eat your brain and kill you (obviously). It’s like a zombie virus. True story.

  133. Re: Neti Pot

    Actually it is an amoeba in tap or well water that causes the infection. In Jenny’s area every few years there is a case of the infection in a person who has been swimming in the rivers. It is rare, otherwise Schlitterbahn would shut down fast. Boiling the water than letting it cool to a tolerable temperature will kill any harmful bacteria, protozoa or amoebas.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naegleria_fowleri

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  134. I bought the water pik kind with batteries—oh Heaven—I can breathe!!!!!

  135. You guys fricking crack me up.

    yetisaurus recently posted How to Make New Friends...Feel Awkward.

  136. Neti pot. Give up dairy. I was so resistant to the dairy but it has changed my life. NO more allergies.

  137. 139
    Pharlain Ross

    If you’re allergic to ragweed stay away from marijuana and absinthe. Both are in the ragweed family. I only say this because absinthe is my partner’s favorite booze and so I got a bottle for his birthday one year. I had a glass and then proceeded to have a paranoid freakout where I was convinced spiders were taking over our home and he was going to leave me for the local newswoman. Also my face got really red and puffy, so to be fair I was really unattractive so he probably WAS thinking about leaving me for the newswoman. Anyhow, figured out I was having an allergic reaction (I also have ragweed allergies), took some benedryl, felt better, and then fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

    True story.

  138. I think we should take up a collection and pay to see a video of The Bloggess using a netipot. Proceeds can be donated to the fund for Savings the Faces of Time Traveling Ninjas

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  139. First off…. a standing ovation. You two crack me up. (Or just you, hard to tell how funny Victor would be without you to edit him. Good job either way.)

    Second… my allergist harped on a food connection for inhalant allergies long enough that this year I tried it. I cut out eating two things on his list that are in related families to my biggest pollen offenders. And….dang, but if this year wasn’t as bad as others. I really miss bananas and cantaloupe but I’ll skip them again next year to see if it holds true.

  140. Your face is murdering me, too, via laughing to death.

    Kathleen recently posted Quite at Home.

  141. snowed here today and killed all weed. This is why I love winter.

    Mary recently posted E.

  142. I just want you to know I was sitting in a silent classroom reading this. A religion classroom pre-class. And I was laughing out loud before I even realized it. Oops!

    Ashleigh recently posted Dreaming Through the Depression.

  143. Please run for president. I’d totally vote for you on that platform.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Hops in the Right Direction: It Goes Both Ways.

  144. I live in Austin…I feel your pain…

  145. Snot good…..

  146. GEEZ. Thank God I don’t have allergies. My neighbor is like you, always having trouble with being able to breathe. But she’s allergic to EVERYTHING. Her inner ear gets all swollen and clogged and she has to go to the doctor to have them drained and stuff. How bad would THAT suck… if your EARS were trying to murder you? Ew.

    Kristen Mae recently posted Idiots With Viable Uteruses and Why I Want to Learn Korean.

  147. God I wish your comments section had “like” buttons. You people are hilarious.

    Julie recently posted This weekend (10/27).

  148. Yes! Neti pot! It’s a freaky concept to pour water in your own sinuses but you just breathe through your mouth and it doesn’t feel like drowning and you’ll feel so much better!

  149. Thank you, Jenny. That’s exactly what it’s like to suffer from allergies (only you do it funnier). The next time I get an unsympathetic look of incomprehension from a non-allergy sufferer, I’m sending them here. So they’ll know how to report it to the police when my face eventually murders me.

  150. Completely there right now so I feel your pain. If the weather would stop shifting here I might be able to figure out if it’s just the allergies or if its also sickness developing.

    Southern Girl recently posted Wash Day and Wii.

  151. I’m allergic to dust. It is everywhere all the time. I’m on allergy medication everyday. Plus, I have sleep apnea. My body tries to kill me by NOT BREATHING every damn night. Can’t even take a nap without a machine to make sure I keep breathing. After looking at my chart, one nurse actually said, “Its like your body hates itself.” Thank you.

  152. My kids n me have the same snot-attacking-monster up here in Indiana. The doc gives us those allergy
    pills that the ‘chemists-that-work-from-home’ really want. wink, wink. The pharmacist lifts an eyebrow at us
    then ask for eleventy forms of ID and each of our thumbprints.
    Still doesn’t stop us from being strangled w/ ropes of snot that remind you of the 50’s version of The Blob. Although we do seem a weeeeeeeeee bit jittery. Brains vibrating on sheet metal with a jack-hammer type of buzzing in our snuffy heads.
    We refer to it as “The Snot-pocalypse 2012″. Also? We sound like a mix between Horshack and Felix Unger.
    Godspeed fellow snot-ninja!

  153. There is a reason they call an allergy attack… an ATTACK. When I have an ATTACK, I look like I had the crap beat out of me… and when I talk about an ATTACK, I emphasize the word ATTACK just like I am now.

  154. Ugh, this is why I hate spring/summer — that’s when my allergies act up and my face colludes to kill me. I feel your pain.

    And yeah, “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” is a much better name for a law than “Jenny’s Law.”

    Katje recently posted Writers Fest Recap (picture heavy).

  155. How many times can Victor say “You’re making even less sense than usual” before he realizes you always sound like that?

  156. Preaching to the choir sister! I take RX drugs, OTC drugs, use a neti pot, you name it… but still the ragweed gets me every time! Good luck!

  157. OMG Jenny, thank you so much for making me laugh everyday. Such a selfless soul, and you should be canonized immediately. Through your daily suffering and endless torture, you shine a ray of warm, glowing, goodness on our simple sad lives. And I thank you for it!

  158. Same exact thing is happening to me. My face is trying to stab my brain. Repeatably. With mucous.

    Holly Folly recently posted Dear Celestial Seasonings....

  159. True – I would totally look at that law if it were called that.
    Sorry about your psychopath face.

    Jenni Chiu recently posted The Road to a Separate America.

  160. Actually you’re pretty close to correct. An allergy is your body attacking itself over some foreign protein. In this case the pollen granules are attempting to mate with your nose and your body is saying “oh hell no”. [I’m close to finishing a PhD in immunology. Assuming my committee agrees that I should be graduating and such.]

    I’m currently quadrupled up on allergy meds: allegra, zyrtec, benadryl and something called eye itch.

    I had to stop saying “my face hurts” because Every. Frickin’. Time. The Spouse responds with, “well it’s killing me”.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Up-coming Events.

  161. 163
    Procrastinateher

    Oh Jenny (if you’re still alive and your face hasn’t murdered you), I know how you feel.

    It is Spring in Australia, and we started it with lots of wind so that the air was mostly pollen.
    I’m taking the strongest antihistamine that I can buy, and then needed expensive prescription nasal spray on top of that (which makes my nostrils feel like I’ve done too much cocaine or something). I should also use the eye drops I bought, but eye drops are hard.

    Do you realise that pollen is basically plant sperm? So technically, you’re dying from too much sexy plant jizz. If that makes you feel better.

  162. OMG it is so totally and completely murder. And how. When my allergies get all fired up and there is no benadryl to be found. (I call them bennies. Kinda makes me sound like a 60s druggie, huh? That could be bad. Aw, fuck it.) Anyhoo, when the bennies are nowhere around: it absolutely feels like my face is imploding on itself – or into my head. Or something really, truly awful. I’m totally behind this new law.

    Lisa Marie Mary recently posted Peace-Loving Hippies Just Don’t Belong at Football Games.

  163. i suffer from a ragweed allergy too! have you ever noticed that the more you scratch your eyes the itchier they are? (so you try with all you might not to scratch them!) the same thing goes for nose blowing: with allergies, the more you blow your nose, the more your mucus membranes get agitated. try to hold off on blowing your nose.

    wipe the snot off as it runs down your upper lip, just try not to blow.

  164. And sometimes the bennies don’t even help. OMG. Then it’s just pure torture. And torture’s supposed to be illegal.

    Lisa Marie Mary recently posted Peace-Loving Hippies Just Don’t Belong at Football Games.

  165. 167
    Kathy Prado

    It’s Texas, Jenny. Texas does this to everyone. Ragweed, Rocky Mountain Cedar….whatever.
    And Musinex doesn’t work – sorry!!!

    Kathy

  166. I’ve been there! Oh my goodness have I been there. Thank you for the amazing long needed laugh. I will always remember this when my allergies flare up now. “The call is coming from inside the house!!!” Seriously, thank you!

  167. Wait. But you’re not allergic to weed right? Cuz that would really be the end.

    Tina recently posted Button Table, The Final Chapter.

  168. This Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas sounds important. Where’s the app for this?

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted Liposuction for Dumb Dumbs.

  169. It’s like you can read my mind!! I completely understand where you’re coming from, I’m allergic to every tree in Ohio (where I live). I’ve decided that it’s Mother Nature getting even for some unnamed horror from past years or lives. LOL

    Hope you feel better soon!!

    Shelly recently posted Hocking Hills -- Rock House.

  170. Damn, never looked at it that way. My allergies have been patient, slowly wearing me down for years or maybe they’re just not as committed as yours.

    Karyn Gorman recently posted I broke myself bicycling.

  171. Ahh South Texas!! Where the only seasons are the different allergy seasons :(

  172. One of these days, we will get you for this Ragweed! And all of your little friends too!

  173. You have just made my day! You are absolutely awesome….even if you feel a bit snotty atm :)

    Loki-Lou recently posted BlogHer NaBloPoMo challenge month – “Thoughtful Thorsday”.

  174. I’m being murdered by my own face too. And, it’s stabbing me repeatedly in the ear until I die.

  175. Do NOT listen to the people who tell you to use a Neti Pot. They’re trying to kill you. Seriously, I read that there are bugs, microbes, whatever, that are in water that you CAN’T KILL even by boiling the water, so if you use a Neti Pot, you’re injecting those things RIGHT INTO YOUR BRAIN. I’ll bet Neti Pots were invented by zombies to create even more zombies, and people are falling for it right and left. And then the zombies are laughing, except that you can’t laugh if you can’t breathe, so allergies are probably responsible for creating zombies, too.

    Either way, you’re screwed. Or a zombie. Or both. Sorry.

    Barbara recently posted The only things for certain.

  176. Two words: snot. factory. At least it sounds productive! Feel better soon…

    Kari recently posted My Chihuahua would detect blood before he bit me.

  177. God you people with allergies are SO melodramatic. Reading this was like having a conversation with my dad, who btw has horrible allergies.
    Funny but melodramatic.

    Shefali recently posted I hate that question!.

  178. As a Weed myself, I take full responsibility for the fact that you are drowning in your own face.

    Sorry about that.

    The Weed recently posted How things went with Ricki + Check in.

  179. Sinusitis. I had it last night really badly and it made me have a nightmare about snakes. And then I couldn’t get to sleep because of:
    a) the snakes lurking in my dreams
    b) the pain in my face like someone had punched me over and over again in the stripe beneath my eyes.
    c) the thick, cloggy mucus constantly dripping down my throat.

    I feel your pain. My face hates me too.

    Molrella recently posted Redrafting and a Question.

  180. @Kelly 162,

    As I recall, it was an old episode of the webcomic Queen of Wands that referred to an allergy attack as, “It’s like a giant botanical bukkake, and I’m the little helpless schoolgirl tied to the chair!”

    Maybe ya had to be there.

  181. People without allergies just don’t understand. But I have something similar to a neti pot and it really does work.
    Also strangely I’ve written a book which I’m about to try and get published and the sequel will actually include time travelling ninjas – but I thought of it first so don’t sue me!

    Naomi recently posted Random bits and pieces.

  182. 184
    TheAmandanator

    The most stunningly accurate description of an allergy attack I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. Bravo.

  183. Allergies suck! An allergy to chocolate really sucks. FML

    Feel better!

    Crystal recently posted Being a Woman IS Rough.

  184. As a fellow allergy sufferer, I feel your pain!! I get to add an inhaler to my misery because my lungs or the airways that lead to them rather hate me. Those suckers get inflamed and close up, kiss your ass goodbye because there will be no more breathing going on. Hence the inhaler being my best friend this time of year.

  185. Haa! I’m sorry. And I feel your pain. BOOO allergies BOOO.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Hugging: It's a Health Issue.

  186. I feel your pain… I get allergy attacks on a daily basis.

    Dana @ This Silly Girl's Life recently posted Back From Another Vacation!.

  187. I agree! NETI POT. I’ma use mine tonight for the first time in months and I can’t wait.

  188. Sorry you are suffering. I’ve got something that will cheer you up – go check out the Kansas City Toy & Miniature Museum (facebook page). I saw some of their photos (especially of the creepy library), and thought of you and your elaborate miniatures. Enjoy!

  189. Aptly named as ragweed are mother nature’s ninjas. Silent but face murdering.

    Euphoria Girl recently posted Euphoria Girl Battles The Pink Robots.

  190. 192
    sillymagpie

    Whatever you do, don’t drink chamomile tea to make yourself feel better. It’s related to ragweed and can trigger an allergic reaction. That tea is sneaky evil.

  191. I have allergies too, and this is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL DURING EVERY ATTACK!! Except, I’m not allergic to ragweed, but rather dust, mold, mildew, and my mother’s house at Thanksgiving time (seriously, something in/around her house tries to kill me every year, only at Thanksgiving).

    Anyway, I love your blog, and your book, and I hope you feel better soon, because allergies SUCK.

    Bookewyrme recently posted Epic Flash Fiction Challenge.

  192. Well at least you’re not allergic to Weed weed. That would be far worse. Count your blessings.

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  193. I snort Afrin like I’m Courtney Love until I lose my ability to taste and then suffer for a day until the rebound swelling goes down. It’s awesome.

    Damn you fall allergies.

  194. Hey Jenny!
    I live in Texas not far from your home town. I feel your pain. I have discovered something easier than the Neti Pot. Its a kit you can get at the pharmacy, target, or maybe even some grocery stores. Its called NielMed nasal rinse kit. Its easy to use, maintain, and all you need is the kit and distilled water. You can use it everyday to help maintain your breathability :). It may be gross at first, but it gets better. Look it up online and ck it out. I found mine at target and its affordable. I hope it works for you if you decide to try it.

  195. I know exactly how you are feeling. I had been pricked and prodded at so many times with needles for an allergy test, which was preformed by my doctor. This resulted in discovering: I am allergic to the earth. Sorry to hear you too are a victim of allergies. They really like to just pick and choose when to drop by.

    Kind of like your in-laws.

  196. What you need is Thai food with extra red chilis. Or just get a bottle of hot sauce and put it on everything. Best sinus clearing on earth!

  197. Feel better soon!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Life Is Weird.

  198. 200
    Mightymouse

    I love you way too much to let your nose kill ya!

  199. I’m allergic to housework. Seriously. Dust slays me.

    For Love or Funny recently posted Photobomb!.

  200. Jenny Lawson, I love you! You always make me laugh, today however I can only wheeze because of my allergies:) Try the Sinus Rinse, it really does help, just not the wheezing!

  201. Get a netti pot (an electronic one if you’re really feeling adventurous!). It won’t cure you, but it will give you one blessed moment of relief and remind you what it feels like to suck air through your nose!

  202. OMG yes. Allergies are the bane of my existence. I actually threatened to cut my sinuses out of my face a number of times until I finally learned that sinuses are technically already just big holes and thus…have already been cut out? For something that’s just supposed to be full of air, those things make life pretty effing complicated sometimes.

    I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in my life I’ve said “Don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”

    oh god that sounds horrible.

  203. That sucks! Feel better immediately!

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  204. Bwuahaha. The first three lines made me crack up. I’m sorry about the collusion to murder you by your face and hope you feel better immediately, because we really don’t need your face raising the crime rates. Oh, and your renaming of Jenny’s Law is absolute genius.

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  205. jenny’s law. ha! 10 to 20 for that.

    monica recently posted "Mrs. DayintheLife, you're no Jack Kennedy.".

  206. I say take some benadryl and go to back to bed – that way the drugs can help and you’ll be asleep and not worrying about it! (Also as a soon to be pharmacist – sudafed helps with all of the swelling and congestion in your sinuses)

  207. I get appalling sinusitis and the worst thing is that now I’m pregnant, I can’t take the anti-inflammatory thingies that usually help. My substitute of dumping lavender buds into boiling water and breathing the steam from under a towel doesn’t actually help, but it makes my face smell nice. Not that I can smell it, but it makes the experience of me whingeing about it better for the people around me.

    Lianne Marie Binks recently posted Stuffed Pumpkin: Saffron & orange cous-cous.

  208. Okay, if these are verbatim, you and Victor have the quickest wits ever.

    My two favorite lines – “Not when all the parties are from the same face.”

    And “Call it “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”. That way people will look at it.” I know I would.

    Sue recently posted Angel, the follower.

  209. I stayed home “sick” yesterday because of allergies. “Sick” is in quotes because people don’t consider allergies the same thing as being sick. I consider not being able to breathe and being THISCLOSE to ripping my entire face off with my fingernails as being sick.

    Also, I have a coworker who constantly suggests I use a neti pot every time I have a sniffle. Each time he suggests it, I want to buy a neti pot just so I can smash it into his head.

    Incidentally, allergies make me meaner than usual. Today is not a good day for breathing either.

    breanne recently posted Quality Television.

  210. Awh, I feel for you. I have hay fever, which seems to last for around 10 months of the year…yuck!

    Amanda @gidders1 recently posted Taylors of Harrogate : Coffee with Character (The Road Trip).

  211. This is true…the only law with someone’s name that I ever pay attention to is Murphy’s Law.

    For good reason, too.

    Rayna recently posted I fell for a boy who told me I didn’t belong.

  212. Oh, I am the same way–I get incredibly stupid when I have sinus congestion and I’m positive it has to be from reduced oxygen flow. Multiply it by 50 if I take any cold medicine.

    Anonyvox recently posted 642 Things to Write About, #6.

  213. My face has been trying to kill me for almost 2 weeks! Ugh! Tried the whole neti pot thing. Not working so well. Finally needed a break from the pain so my friend Vici (aka Vicodin) came to my rescue last night. Got to sleep and didn’t realize I was being killed by my face. Today… woke up and it’s still a life or death struggle. Damn allergies.
    Do you think one could live without sinuses? I’m down 2 tonsils, 1 ovary and an appendix. :)
    Feel better Jenny, I literally feel your pain. :(
    Not that I wish bad will on people but the next time Victor bumps his head or gets poked in the eye, just let him know he only 1/2 knows how it feels!

  214. I would absolutely read it! Sinus issues are THE worst. Saline rinses and echinacea

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Thursday Things 10.25.12.

  215. It’s the Plague that is going around. My you’re body be healed or you get some really awesome weed which will help too. Feel better soon.

    Jenn recently posted Frankenstorm and Greg Brady.

  216. When I contacted you I was 6 months into a bitter divorce battle. I thought that my marriage and family was ruined. I found your site and breathed a sigh of relief. Not only did you STOP MY DIVORCE AND BROUGHT BACK LOVE INTO MY MARRIAGE. It worked super fast sequel to the fact that you and your circle was there to help me and counsel me through every step of the process. You have helped me so much and I am happy to update you on our progress. Roy and I have reconciled and have since renewed our vows. We are stronger than ever. I am so happy that you were able to help me keep my family intact. Without you, I do not know what I would have done. Contact this temple if you need help via email lordshivaspells@gmail.com

  217. I didn’t have allergies until I moved back to Kentucky as an adult. Fucking Kentucky. They are at their worst only in Kentucky. Of course, in Texas I had issues with the whole Juniper/Sage family of trees and bushes. But Kentucky is the worst. Someone else said it in a previous comment, the west coast is the best place to be for allergies unless you are allergic to cedar; which I am – cedar causes immediate asthma attacks. But if you are not allergic to cedar, it’s great! :) I think I’ve shared too much about my own allergies. Jenny, I feel you. May you find the right allergy medication/solution and not die. :) We would miss you!

    pam recently posted We're not in Kansas anymore, well, Utah, nor Vegas.....nor California.

  218. They said people who never even have allergies are having them now. Global warming? No. A FACE UPRISING.

    Amy (KidFreeLiving) recently posted The Dog Opens a Vomitorium.

  219. Jenny’s Law. HA!

    Meg recently posted Meggy the Vampire Slayer.

  220. My throat is slowly killing me via painful swallow. “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” needs to go into effect ASAP.

    Creative Liar recently posted The Roxy.

  221. I’ll say this, you have some great titles…

  222. this neti pot sound like water boarding!

  223. “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” BWAHAHAHAHA! I would definitely look at it, too.
    Allergies suck. A lot.

    Chrissy recently posted Confession Friday: I Don’t Have Time to Write! AKA I Spent My Time Carving Pumpkins.

  224. No! No neti pot! Amoebas! You do not know the definition of paranoia until you learn about the amoebas POST neti-pot usage. It will make you come very close to giving yourself a lobotomy with a clothes hangar. And if you’re uninsured and your husband sees the stretched out hangar, he will never believe your explanation.

  225. Love the conversation. Yeah – the traveling Ninja’s definitely draws more attention. I would read it.

    Deb recently posted Understanding The Hot Flashing Woman.

  226. In case you actually get this far down in the comments…saline nasal spray. No more suffocating, no more sore nose, and it’s cheap (buy the store brand). I keep a bottle at work, a bottle in my bedroom and a bottle in my bathroom. BEST. STUFF. EVER.

  227. I was suffering from the same, cruel, self-suffocation. Until today when I bent down to discipline our shepherd, but he objected and head-butted me in the mouth & nose. Sinus problem gone. Although you probably don’t want to try that.

  228. Did I tell you about the time my face attacked me to, see here

    http://tomstronach.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/from-parachutes-to-shootings-to-polyps.html

    I had been to the dentist on the Monday and had a tooth removed.  On the Tuesday I was back asking him to check if he had missed something as my face was in agony.  He looked at me disdainfully [how dare this upstart accuse me of bothching, mind you I would probably have felt the same had roles been reversed] but he looked anyway and what did he find, nout, nada, nothing, but he did give me a pointer.  He said do you have problems with your sinuses, Sinuses, I didn’t even know what a sinus was let alone whether I was having problems with it, so he suggested a visit to the doctor.  So off I trot to the doctor and by this time my face is beginning to swell up as well.  Doctor looks at me examines me, and says, [knew her outside of surgery] well the swelling is a problem, but not to worry, you weren’t pretty to begin with, Ha bloody ha.

    Off I trot to hospital for an x-ray on the Wednesday, face is getting rounder and bigger by the hour, as is the pain,  pain killers are getting stronger until the Thursday, when I am on injections to knock me out as I am booked into the hospital for the Friday as they have discovered a growth in my cheek cavity.  Did the injections knock me out, don’t be silly, of course not Well they might have done for a while but ask @ishbelstronach where she found me at 2 am in the morning, where, Oh, at the bottom of the stairs from the bedrooms to the downstairs hall, lying in a heap unconscious.  How did she find me, did she wake up and discover I wasn’t there, not not really, sleep through world war 3 would she, unless it is one of the kids where only women and dogs can hear there wimpers in the middle of the night!

    No as I tumbled to the bottom of the stairs I landed by the phone but was still aware enough to call that horrible woman doctor Chancellor who cast aspersions on my good looks earlier in the week.  Realising it was me on the phone groaning and that the phone had gone dead with no dial tone she dialled our number until the ringing phone woke Ishbel up and got her out of bed.  In short order I was transported of to the local hospital in the wee small hours of Friday morning.   After being brought round from surgery I was informed by the doctor that they had pickled the problem and were going to use it in class,  it was a polyp apparently.  I had suffered a broken nose in the past and this had blocked up one of my nostrils.  The act of blowing your nose apparently prevents these things from growing, as they are present in everyone, so they tell me.  Anyway as I could not clear that particular route this thing had been growing for years and had started to grow so large that it travelled back up the sinus canal and then down in to my cheek cavity where coincidentally it was on the same side as where the tooth was that has been removed.  I could go on and tell you about the bandages that were stuffed up my nostril and the problems they caused….

    Tom Stronach recently posted One Pan Leg of Lamb and Veg.

  229. LMAO. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at your house, listening in on your conversations. But then I’d probably wind up stuffed and on the mantle next to Juanita. Anywho, you write about pretty much everything, so I don’t think I’m missing out on much.

  230. oh hon, after weeks of exactly the same hell I went to the doctor and described the problem… and that it was driving me up the wall, and needed to get some medication or something, anything to fix it. He said “oh I KNOW! That is the WORST! I get that too!” and he just looked at me… turns out there was no treatment, it’s a pollen allergy and the usual preparations don’t work.

  231. Lord and Lady love you my darling girl,

    Lori recently posted And then…Snickers disappeared..

  232. I SO relate. I am not going to even try to recommend any potential treatments. I’ve tried a million. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  233. I’m curious. If you died, with all of this bodily collusion stuff, would it be classified as a suicide? If so, that just sounds wrong. Still, I bet your insurance company would try to make a case for it. Cheap bastards.

    Janene recently posted Halloween keyboard characters.

  234. OK. I don’t work for anyone or have stock in anything, but my sinus doc did give me something that actually works for allergies: it’s a new powdered steroid nasal spray. I’m not gonna say the name except it begins with Q (just in case someone thinks I’m some old creepy dude in the bowels of some pharmaceutical company trying to pass himself off as cool because he reads the bloggess). So, ask your doc about it…it’ll change your life w/regard to allergies. Even better..it’s made by Jews. Leave it to them to find something good to go up your nose!

  235. I’m disconsolate. We tried to go see you at the Texas Book Fair, but there were no times listed. When we got there in the afternoon, we learned we’d missed you by three hours. :(

    Oh, well, I guess our gift to you is not hanging around outside whatever restroom you (might have?) retreated to, not banging on its doors, and not wailing, “Jenny, we love you, COME OUT AND HUG US!”

    What, too much?

  236. I completely understand this!!! I hate my allergies. However, I have been doing allergy shots for the past two years and they are tremendously better.

  237. 239
    Lady Penelope

    We are on the other side of the known world and allergy season is here too.
    It’s very THE HAPPENING.

    My eyes are so red and swollen today that people keep asking me if “everything is alright at home”…

  238. This is the kind of thing that makes me a creepy mouth breather at least two seasons of the year. My sympathies.

  239. My face does the same thing. For some reason eating a teaspoon of honey helps me.

    Vivian recently posted Sunshine After.

  240. I guess it’s time to sue your face.
    Never thought I’d write that sentence…

    Melissa recently posted A Not-So-Daily Encounter.

  241. 3 benadryl with glass of wine always works.

  242. 244
    Landon fowler

    So…my friends and I have been saying “is that a thing” for years now. Stop stealing our cool phrases. Also my girlfriend likes you but I think you are not funny. #yourewelcome

  243. I, too, can vouch for Neti-Pot. It will change your life. Just make sure you use bottled or distilled water… do NOT use tap water.

  244. This post pretty much describes my last few weeks of feeling like shit. Either I’m crippled over in pain, tossing my cookies, or my throat feels like Freddy Krueger is ripping it to shreds… On the plus side, if you’re law gets passed I could sue my esophagus!

  245. Tell Victor thanks for correctly using the intransitive verb “lie”.

  246. Yep, my allergies also try to kill me… I sometimes feel they have teamed up with my depression and OCD to form an axis of evil hell bent on trying to destroy me.

  247. I would like to charge my face with repeated counts of attempted homicide. The exact same things you described, and more, happens to me every few months. My face hates me.

    Morraha recently posted Recap..

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