This cat = me trying to actually get work done.
This weasel = my brain trying to destroy me:
Me: I have work to do.
Weasel: You should check the internet because remember yesterday when that one person on the internet was wrong and it made you so mad, but not actually mad enough to register to leave a comment. Go see if someone else left a comment calling them out.
me: No. I don’t care.
Weasel: LIAR. And check your blog because there might be a secret comment from Doctor Who asking you to go time-traveling with him.
me: That’s not...possible.
weasel: You hesitated. You totally think it’s possible. Quick – check twitter.
weasel: Just once. And check your replies. And check that girl you hate. And check that girl you want to be more like. And check that girl who used to be on that show who’s totally crazy now and is posting insane shit that you can’t look away from.
me: No. I don’t remember her name.
Weasel: Then IMDB her. And then IMDB all the Anchorman quotes. And then go look up all the trivia on the Mythbusters site. And then go see if you were right about how many times the Vulcan mind-meld was used in the last movie.
me: I already know it was two.
Weasel: Victor says you’re wrong.
me: UGH. Fine. I’ll just look that one thing up, but then we work.
**FIVE HOURS LATER.**
Weasel: And those are all the ways in which you can die in a Disney park. Now let’s wikipedia the most unusual ways to die ever.
me: NO. I HAVE REAL WORK TO DO AND I HAVE TO-oh my God, someone died from being smothered in cloaks? Is that for real?
Weasel: WIKIPEDIA IS ALWAYS RIGHT. NOW CHECK PINTREST. SUPERHEROES DOING FUNNY THINGS. CATS IN BOXES. OPEN YOUTUBE. SOMEONE IS FALLING IN A FUNNY WAY AND YOU’RE MISSING IT.
me: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I NEED TO WORK.
Weasel: What if someone just found a Sasquatch? Quick – check the news.
me: STOP IT.
Weasel: Checking the news is mature. It is immature to not keep a news website up all the time to keep up with breaking news. WHAT IF THERE IS A FIRE MADE OF OGRES?
me: You have a point. Sort of.
Weasel: Breaking news. Someone called Kim Kardashian fat. See if you think she looks fat.
me: I DON’T CARE IF SHE LOOKS FAT. I’VE NEVER EVEN SEEN ”THE KARDASHIANS”. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
Weasel: You should probably see if their show is on netflix. That seems like a big pop culture reference you probably need to know about.
me: NO. NO MORE TV.
Weasel: Knowing pop culture is part of your job. Just bookmark it for later.
Weasel: Ooh! There’s a new “Bob’s Burgers”! If you don’t watch it it will go off the air and it will be all your fault and then it’s “Arrested Development” all over again. Just leave it running in another window while you work.
Weasle: It’ll be one thing you can check off your to do list.
me: FINE. But I’m only doing it while I answer emails.
Weasel: Your computer just froze. You can’t run that many things at once. Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.
me: No. This is a sign that I need to stop watching tv on my computer. WORK, DAMMIT.
Weasel: You sound stressed. You totally need cake.
me: I DON’T HAVE ANY CAKE. SHUT UP.
Weasel: You should get some cake. Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?
me: I have no idea. But it should totally be a thing.
Weasel: OMG, THAT SHOULD BE OUR NEW BUSINESS. GO BUY “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM”.
**FIVE HOURS LATER**
me: What am I doing? I don’t even know how to cook.
Weasel: I think it’s called “baking” when you do it with flour.
me: I’m pretty sure it’s called “cooking” no matter what.
Weasel: You should look it up on the internet. Hey, did you know it’s 3am?
me: I hate you so much.