She’s still alive.

I’ve been doing doggie obedience training for Dorothy Barker because she’s insane, and she’s okay with most of the basics now (Come here.  Stop chewing on the cat.  Don’t shit on that) so now we’re moving on to tricks and she’s pretty good at most of them but there’s one that she can’t do, so yesterday I told the dog trainer that I wanted to work on something specific because “The problem I’m having is that my dog won’t die fast enough.”

And he was like, “Mmm.  So.  Wait-what?”

And I said, “You know?  That thing where you shoot your dog?  And then she dies?  But it takes FOREVER for her die and I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong?”

And then he stared at me and Victor was like, “It’s called ‘PLAYING DEAD’, Jenny.” And I agreed because THAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, VICTOR.  But then the trainer repeated what I’d actually said without context and then I understood everyone’s concern and now I can’t go back to obedience school again.

PS.  Here’s a video of her doing tricks.  Today she’s a little faster at dying but she doesn’t stay dead long enough, I think.  Also, I don’t know the command for making her stop playing dead when she just lays there.  Yelling “GO FULL ZOMBIE” is getting me weird looks.  I’m really more of a cat person, I think.

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103 replies. read them below or add one

  1. The best part about this post is that I knew exactly what you meant as soon as I read, “…my dog won’t die fast enough.” I do believe that means I speak Bloggess now. That’s the best part of my day so far.

    Liked by 14 people

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Brimfield 2016 – @TheBloggess Edition.

  2. I knew what you meant. He’s a dog trainer, for crying out loud. That should have been context enough.

    Liked by 2 people

    Sue recently posted The 20-minute toy.

  3. I totally understood what you meant. Clearly, the trainer needs a course in critical thinking and deductive reasoning.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. My dog can’t do any of that. She farts, takes up the entire couch, and acts as the sword between Tristan and Isolde (I think I’m Isolde).

    Liked by 6 people

  5. Well, I did not know what you meant and thought you were ready for your dog to meet Jesus.

    Liked by 3 people

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted I Cannot Be Your DC Tour Guide.

  6. The trick is to reward the fastest ones, and ignore the slower attempts. Not “no, too slow!” just ask for something else (sit, say) and reward that, then try again. She’ll pick up what you’re putting down in no time!

    Like

  7. Given your love of taxidermy, I would hesitate acting dead around you, too.

    Liked by 12 people

    DayLeeFix recently posted Sass Mouth.

  8. My cats won’t do tricks at all, although one of them did fall into the shower with me this morning in a failed attempt at attacking me through the shower curtain. Vivienne: 1, Shower Curtain Monster: 0. Wah hah hah hah! By the way, can’t wait to watch Dorothy Barker’s video.

    Like

    lifevivified recently posted Dear Neighbor: You Might Be My New Spirit Animal.

  9. I knew what you meant, but I’ve never understood why anyone would want their dog to play dead. Is it in case of an attack by a bear or a zombie?

    Like

    samatwitch recently posted National Pet Day.

  10. I find that is always a problem when you shoot anyone…they just linger. Not that I have. But in my head? they take FOREVER to die. It’s actually not a problem.

    Liked by 2 people

    Michelle recently posted I’m A Twig.

  11. I didn’t even know playing dead was a trick they teach dogs at obedience school. Going to put that on my list next to “Learn how to flush the toilet.”

    Liked by 1 person

    janice recently posted Anniversay Giveaway + Passwords Part Deux.

  12. 12
    Susan Upton-Hughes

    My Annie dog used to die too fast. When I started the “next time you pull wool on a sheep” litany she’d die. Didn’t even wait for the “bang.”

    Like

  13. All those things she’s doing seem pretty good – small dogs aren’t usually known for following directions well. I’m not sure why you’re more of a cat person, though. I mean, you can tell a cat to play dead and feel like you’ve accomplished something, because it’s just laying there like it’s dead…but you and the cat both know that it’s only doing that because it wants to, not because you suggested it.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. We had a cat once that played “fetch.” But I think he taught us how to play it.

    Liked by 2 people

    Janet Coburn recently posted Mysteries Change, and So Do I.

  15. The dog my family had while I was growing up was super smart. Knew all sorts of tricks. We could even get her to whisper. If you told her speak she would bark, then if you followed it up with “Shh…Daddy’s sleeping” she would do a very quiet bark. Brilliant!

    But playing dead? Nope. Just like Dorothy. Down and up. I kept telling her she was blowing her chance to play Jesus in the church play because she wouldn’t stay dead long enough.

    Liked by 2 people

    Denise recently posted Ghosts in the machine....

  16. I wish you and Dorothy Barker all the best on your dying endeavors

    Liked by 1 person

  17. 17
    blu_canary

    I used to have to tell my golden retriever to “go all the way dead”. Otherwise he would do exactly what she is doing. If I told him “go all the way dead” he would drop back down for about 3 seconds before springing up and mauling me for his ‘Nilla wafer. Miss that dog.

    Like

  18. 18
    fallconskat

    Shadow only does two tricks. The first is to do MAD ballerina spins when she hears anything that is “I’m getting food” related. The second is to alert when my blood sugar drops too low…and she did that on her own. I got her right at the point when I was put on insulin and was having difficulty adjusting.

    But since she can do that trick, it makes no nevermind to me that she doesn’t do any other tricks! Other than manage to make a large tall man sleep on the edge of a king sized bed because she takes her half out of the middle of the bed… (And she’s roughly Dorthy Barker’s size, too!)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. That sweet little face just utterly slays me. I’m a Dorothy Barker fangirl!

    Liked by 1 person

    Ealachan recently posted bad brain days.

  20. I worked on this trick with a coworkers labradoodle…. only I taught him to “die” when I pointed at him and said “BANG!” because obviously that’s what I chose to do. Then, when working on the “stay dead” portion, I would throw treats around (at his mock funeral – I really got into it) and remind him “dead dogs don’t eat.” His cue that he could leap up and collect his rewards was me raising my arms and shouting “RESURRECTION!” because I wanted to make as many people uncomfortable as humanly possible.

    We put on a good show, but my coworker didn’t ask me to teach her dog any tricks after that.

    (Come to my house. You are my new trainer. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 5 people

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted The Blanket Thief Conspiracy.

  21. Now that I’ve read this, what’s going thru my mind is “Why do we never see animal zombies in movies and COULD my cats become zombies?” Because, as if I didn’t have enough to worry about with wondering if my next door neighbor was going to one day ask me over for a bite, now I worry that my cats will want a meal or maybe that damn squirrel in the back yard will! (I’m voting for the squirrel. That little bastard has been out to get me anyway.)

    (There’s a movie on Netflix right now about animal zombies. It’s called ZOOmbies. No joke. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Definitely not dead long enough.

    Like

  23. I wonder if I can teach this trick to any of my relatives.

    Liked by 1 person

    Elyse recently posted Don’t Make Me Decide!.

  24. You need bigger ammo. Use two finger guns instead of one. Works like a charm.

    Like

    terib19 recently posted Squirrels under my car, entitled teens and more!.

  25. I love Dorothy…:)

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted Hey, I Still Know Stuff….

  26. Looked too long and deep into D. B.’s eyes…must…get …cookie…for…nice…doggie…

    Like

  27. I used to have a dog that would bark on command. It sounds weird, but it was really useful when strangers came to the door, then I’d tell her to “speak” then say loudly, “No Saxon–don’t attack. Calm down! I probably shouldn’t open the door!” Great for door to door sales people and missionaries. But how do you train a dog to roll over? Every time I try with Titus, I get him lying down on his side, but then he gets distracted by the spinning motion of my arm and the treat in my hand and jumps up to grab it.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 85: Grinder Week, TMI at the Dentist.

  28. I don’t think she understands that she will never make it on The Walking Dead or Gamr of Thrones, unless she learns to be dead.

    E

    Like

  29. Dorothy Barker is MILES ahead of my parents’ dog who likes to pretend that if she avoids eye contact, your command doesn’t count.

    “Hi Dee Dee! C’mere, sweetie.”
    “OMIGOD hi yes I love you how are you let me lick you.”
    “Can you sit like a good girl?”
    “My goodness, what’s that on the ceiling? Crown molding? FASCINATING.”
    “Come on, Dee Dee, sit!”
    “Golly the carpet sure is interesting today.”

    Liked by 1 person

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted I have your boobs..

  30. Yep she’s alive too fast…reanimation?

    Like

  31. 31
    XStacy Design

    On the other hand – my cat has MASTERED the art of playing dead. It’s living that we have trouble getting him to embrace!

    Like

  32. 32
    Sarah Beth

    No, honey, now you HAVE to go back, to prove your dog isn’t dead. If you stop going, they’ll send the sheriff for a puppy welfare check-up!

    Seriously, though, maybe Ms. Barker is better suited to melodramas than action movies. Nothing wrong with a slow, agonizing, confession-filled death scene!

    Like

  33. My cat is the actual best at play dead. She can play dead all day. Now if only she’d switch it up and play dead at night, the yeowling because she’s bored is something special…..

    Like

    Trace recently posted Accessibility in Gaming.

  34. Her freckled nose gets me every damn time. SO CUTE.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Orphan Black Season 4 – Goodbye.

  35. when I was teaching my Macy dog (a border collie/aussie mix) to play dead, she got so excited and started barking and I started laughing super hard – so now, every time we say “bang” she’ll half lay down, bark, kind of roll over and pop back up, and I just can’t be mad!

    Like

  36. I hhhate it when they don’t die fast enough!

    Like

  37. I want a dog.😦

    Like

    Kristin. recently posted So sad today..

  38. I have that exact problem with The Viking! It takes him forever to die and then he doesn’t stay that way long enough for me to eat an entire Coffee Crisp bar so then I have to share. :o(

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Izzie – The Flatulence Has Subsided.

  39. I’m training one of my cats to paw at my phone under the right circumstances. This is the same cat who is convinced that there’s SOMETHING inside my printer that he absolutely MUST GET AT. He’s been staring at it suspiciously for most of the morning.

    Like

  40. My husband’s cat (not mine, I hate the whiny, allergy-inducing thing) answers me when I ask him questions, but won’t answer my husband. Last night we were both asking him if he wanted food. My husband was like, “Yo bud, you want food?” the way he always asks, and the cat (Bruce) just looked at him. Then I jumped in. “Bruce, you want to eat? You want some food?” He looked at me and immediately meowed. Little bastard knows he better answer me… LOL.

    Like

    thornfield523 recently posted My Life, My Choices, My Brain, and My Mother.

  41. Seemed perfectly obvious to me.

    Like

    Cassandra recently posted Throwdown Thursday: In Jeopardy?.

  42. I have to shoot my dog several times. She’ll fall over after the first time but doesn’t die, her head is still raised, looking to see if I really have a treat. So I shoot her again and then she dies. I think it’s called monkey training, not dog training, because she trained me to shoot her twice!

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I knew exactly what you meant. You need a trainer who is fluent in “Jenny.”

    Liked by 1 person

  44. When you think your dog is weird and your dog thinks you’re weird then you know you’re a dog person because you’re being weird together.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. 45
    Karyn Doherty

    Weak……from…..cuteness……. May…..pass….out…..

    Like

  46. *Dorothy Barker seems to have a lot of scope for improvement, unlike my dog, who follows commands only when he’s hungry! Way to go Dorothy Barker!!

    Like

  47. Roll over? Play dead? I bet your cats are thinking…sucker.

    Like

    digbydigz recently posted All Aboard for Slumber! How to Catch the Zzz’s You Need.

  48. My dog is named Cedric Doggery because I refuse to accept that not only is Cedric Diggory dead, but he is also fictional. ANYWAY, I want to teach Cedric to play dead so I can say Avada Kedavra and have him play dead…

    Like

  49. That’s not so weird. I tell my dog to “play zombie” when I want her to stop playing dead. 🙂

    Like

  50. We had only lived in California maybe a year and a half when we got my childhood Golden Retriever and the novelty had not quite worn off for my mom. Ginger’s best trick was rolling onto her back and kicking her feet around in the air when you said “earthquake.” There was an annual Golden Retriever public event here, with contests & such, and Mom discovered that the crowds freaked the dog out so bad she could not respond to any commands. The second year they went, I am pretty sure she won an award for “playing deaf.” You guys would have liked my mom.

    Like

  51. Well, now I want to teach my dog to be shot! The problem is, since he learned to roll over, that’s all he does now no matter what command I give. He’s just so excited that he knows how to do that one trick, it erased his capacity for anything else.

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Ponyo does this really neat thing where if I put on a specific video game (Legend of Dragoon) and turn the volume up, she absolutely loses her shit and bolts around the room. She really doesn’t like the button selection sounds for some reason. It’s nothing she was TAUGHT per-say, but it’s still a neat party trick.

    No one appreciates it like I do though. It’s a shame.

    Like

    nerril recently posted Thanks a lot, Drunk Me..

  53. I don’t see what the big problem was. I understood it! C’mon. Obviously you didn’t REALLY shoot your dog. Silly trainer, and silly Victor! You’d think everyone would speak Bloggess by now.

    Like

  54. I want my Theo to wipe his feet when he comes in. Since he certainly knows how to take all the towels off the towel racks, he should be able to wipe his feet with the towels he has confiscated.

    Like

    notquiteold recently posted Slow Down.

  55. Tell Dorothy to stop chewing on the scenery.

    Like

  56. Good to know you’re okay. Hopefully you can train DB to round up the live and stuffed animals to do a show for you and Victor and Hayley everyday.

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Macaroni cheese with salmon and some Monday link love.

  57. Dorothy Barker is seriously one of the cutest little dogs I have ever seen. And I am an expert on cute little dogs.

    Like

  58. 59
    Mama Henn

    One of my dogs is really good at making jazz hands, but only at mealtimes.

    Like

  59. Ha! We have almost exactly the same rug!

    Like

  60. I just competed in my first agility competition with my dog, Quixote. It’s addictive. Quixote also makes me feel completely out of shape (thanks prednisone!). https://youtu.be/7IPtYku2yiM

    Like

  61. I think I’ve identified your problem, she’s swatting the bullets away. You might need to use a bigger caliber.

    Like

  62. We used to say we had to empty a whole clip into our dog to get her to die, so I know what you’re saying.

    Like

    Kathy recently posted Happiness A to Z--26 Things That Make Me Happy.

  63. I totally have to train my dog to ‘go full zombie” now!!! but, then I cannot let her clean herself or bite at itchy spots, right?

    Like

  64. If you’re uncomfortable with Go Full Zombie to get Dorothy to rise from the dead try Jesus Christ. Although that might mean she plays dead for 3 days but you win some you lose some.

    Like

  65. […] your weekly cute animal post. By the way, The Bloggess is a great one to follow. She’s just […]

    Like

  66. I once taught my cat how to turn on and off the light switch on the wall. Totally backfired on me she only did it when she was mad. If I was trying to sleep she’d turn it on or if I was reading she’d turn it off lol. Btw most of us knew what you ment but I can see were less awesome people would be confused and mortified that you were upset that your dog didn’t die fast enough.

    Like

  67. She is adorable! I didn’t know what you meant, either, and actually this dog-loving blood in me was starting to boil just a little bit.

    Like

  68. My dog got expelled fromn puppy kindergarten because of anxiety.

    Like

  69. 70
    fiftyshadesofunemployment

    I’mm pretty sure my dog (shelter dog) and I, failed obedience training. and only got a Dog Obedience Academy Certificate because dog was so cute. Being a shihztu in a class a dogs the size of elephants. Doggie and I, each time we tried to do the drop/sit trrick were just continually laughed at. At least dog know how to sit and so do I.

    Like

  70. 71
    fiftyshadesofunemployment

    Molly, dog obedience training made ME anxious ! Best wishes, Carmen (50 Shades of Unemployment blogger).

    Like

  71. “Go Full Zombie” would be the greatest trick, ever.

    Like

  72. Adorable dog! I bet she looks adorable fake dead as well. Silly trainer.

    Like

    hazelhillboro recently posted Tattoos and Semicolons.

  73. I knew exactly what you meant! I taught our dog to do that also except my husband does gunshot sound effects and our wolf dog drops right away but if he does’t die quickly enough I have to remind him that dead dogs put their heads on the ground. It is also a bit morbid because of the whole wolf hunting thing but he doesn’t know that part. Then he puts his head down..lol. I also taught him, “what do you do when you are on fire? that’s right, stop, drop and roll!” I miss my kids a little I guess but he does that one like he is really on fire!

    Like

  74. 75
    Anonymous

    Not to be creepy, but you have a sweet voice, even while saying ” bang bang”

    Like

  75. My dogs know none of this so I’m pretty impressed. Also, I think the problem with her not staying dead long enough is the same problem I have with my dogs, she just wants the treat.

    Like

    Karen Lyles recently posted Possibly the Longest 5 Days of My Life.

  76. I,’m reading this on the night before my wedding and I send you a million thanks because it’s really helping to cheer me up (that and booze). Not because I don’t want to get married, but because weddings seem to bring out the asshole side of my family.

    Also, I may have taken Rory Racoon on my bachelorette, and taken pictures. I even met some people who recognized him. Which was SO awesome!

    Like

  77. She’s doing this right! Bang bang, I shot you down, slow settle to crouch lay down. Then bang bang I shot you dead and then she’ll roll slowly limp on her side. The finale is ” oops forgot the bullets” but I do like the Resurrection shoutout better. Will use that with next dog. The slow death trick is funnier really,

    It is sad though when it’s not a game any more.

    Like

  78. In case you are unaware, that’s an amazing dog you have there! Pretty & knows tricks?!? I’m lucky mine know sit & lay down.

    Like

  79. […] cat. Don’t shit on that) so now we’re moving on to tricks and she’s pretty … Continue reading → […]

    Like

  80. Dorothy Barker needs some plush road kill animals. My dog has a dead squirrel and a dead rabbit. They are her favorite toys! (Sorry, don’t know if they have any dead raccoons but she already has one.)

    Like

  81. Our dog’s name was Lola. She was not a showgirl.

    But she could sit and give you her paw, and she occasionally succeeded at “leave it.” She died (for real, not the tricky kind) less than three weeks ago, and although we miss that girl, we like to think that she can now merengue. And do the cha-cha. Probably ate the feather in her hair on the first day, though.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Home for the month: not lake side, nor even lake view, but kind of lake near.

  82. I’m a dog trainer and I knew exactly what you meant by “my dog won’t die fast enough”! I watched the video and you’re doing great! Your cues are clear and concise and Dorothy Barker obviously loves working for you!

    Like

  83. Hey. Even us crazy bitches can be rolled and revived😉
    Dorothy Barker? I’m learning new tricks, too…. I can’t get anybody to shoot me, tho. I’m AWESOME at playing dead!

    Like

  84. 85
    Kristin C

    I totally knew what you were saying. My first thought was that maybe Dorothy Barker doesn’t need obedience school. What she really needs is acting lessons. Sounds like maybe she’s chewing scenery…

    Like

  85. 86
    Datdamwuf

    When I taught my dog bang, bang I put him in the down position first. Maybe that would help her learn it faster. With him, one bang and he was down, then second bang and he would flop over. You are right, it is morbid.

    Like

  86. My dog also dies too slowly. We either say she is tough to kill or that she dies in super slo-mo. She also lifts her head to check if we still want her dead.

    Like

  87. Dude. You totally were fine. I taught my cat to die and it’s great fun to do when the kids aren’t paying attention. Most of the time, he won’t get up until I ask him to “come to bed” which means I’m going to give him treats and brush him like a pretty baby. This means the kids are trying to get him to get out of the way, or behave in an “appropriate manner” and he’s just laying there, totally “dead”. It’s great.

    Like

    Rory recently posted Why Are Manic Episodes So Chaotic?.

  88. That pretty impressive but my old cat foxy use to be a boss at not coming when I called her …now that was real talent…sigh I wish cats weren’t such assholes sometimes.

    Like

  89. OH MY GOD Dorothy Barker is adorable!!! You with your pets is what we should call the ideal ‘pet goals’!

    Like

    boisterousbrunette recently posted Waiting for the next Good Hair Day..

  90. Thank goodness cats don’t need obedience school.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Play Red Dot with Grammie.

  91. omg! yes! my dog has to be shot numerous times before he will die. i posted a video a couple months ago because of the same thing. https://youtu.be/qhO0fuMh6G8

    Like

    suzprovo recently posted Woman “pockets”.

  92. You’re using the wrong type of treat …

    Like

  93. When it’s time for my dog to stop playing dead I yell “liiiiiive!” and cackle. He gets right up.

    Like

  94. That is one cute and smart dog. I have a demon cat who I’ve trained to jump on a stool and sit for treats. Mind you, I still can’t get her to stay off the counter. Sigh.

    Like

    deborahblake1 recently posted Tarot Cover Reveal and Giveaway!.

  95. Unrelated to this post but I live in Chicago and was randomly looking under “free stuff” on Craigslist and there was a posting for a free rare circus sideshow stuffed monkey – immediately made me think of you & your blog! The link is below.🙂

    http://chicago.craigslist.org/nwi/zip/5598205933.html

    Like

  96. 97
    Debra Disney

    I 💜 Dorothy Barker Sooo Much! Love that you ‘share her’ with us, Jenny. Boop your nose is my fave DB trick of All Time! Thank you for this video, the Funny pet pics, which really made me 😆. Love Your cats, too. Pet-people Rock!! 🌷Love to you from CA 🐶 🐈

    Like

  97. You have a very smart dog and I totally understood what you were saying!

    Like

    Sin recently posted Happy Life Day Esa!.

  98. […] you don’t read the Bloggess I highly recommend her.  For reasons 1, 2, 3, […]

    Like

  99. Day made. Thanks, Jenny and Dorothy!

    Like

  100. I think “BRAAIIINNSSS” should be the cue to un-die for “Play Dead”!

    Like

  101. HI…………shld or have to alwys greet… well maybe… guess it’s the thing to do…polite and all……some people expect their name with the ‘HI” but hey….not now……I so get you Jenny Larson….. I too have depression and chronic fatigue & fibro & other auto-immune stuff …..just makes me tired…. tho I buldoze thru it all…cuz I refuse to let it bulldoze me…Oh I do love your book.FURIOUSLY HAPPY…. ON page 43.. so far have laughed and cried…… hits home power brain thoughts that (I thiink) most people w/ depression only get!!! Will read: LET’S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED ALSO; as I already can IDENTIFY with the title already…..Hang in there w/ the depression……. one question tho…what’s with your ‘hands thing” goin on…. are you frightened of your hands??? please clarify……….Hang around for the BEST days of your llife’s journey…. depression is how you are…….not who yu are…….play yourself on your own stage……….YOU ARE LOVED…………ALL FOR NOW………..RUTHIE

    Like

  102. Serioulsy…how do you come up with such clever names?! I want to rename my dogs just to keep up!

    Like

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