Category Archives: James Garfield for Sainthood

Accidentally doing good things.

You know how every year we do some sort of fundraiser for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa in hopes of getting my taxidermied boar head canonized by the Pope?  Well, I was just thinking that now that we have a new, slightly-less-creepy Pope, James Garfield might finally have a chance at sainthood.  But then I started looking at Hanukkah and turns out it ends day after tomorrow.  I yelled at several Jewish friends for not letting me know this earlier and they apologized, saying “Um…we’re busy with Hanukkah, bitch.  Maybe get a fucking calendar.”  And one of them said something in Yiddish that I think translates to “YOU SHOULD LAUGH WITH LIZARDS“, which is an actual real insult and makes me want to take Yiddish classes.

Regardless, if you’ve been here long enough you probably know all about (or were a part of) The Many Miracle(s) of James Garfield.  The first came in 2010 when we all accidentally came together to raise over $42k to help get presents for kids who would not have otherwise gotten any.  It was awesome, and the next year tons of people who were helped in the past asked if we could do it again because now they were back on their feet and wanted to pass on the gift they’d received, but I couldn’t do it because I was so exhausted from running it that I got really sick.  Sorry.  I’m too shitty to be successfully philanthropic.  So instead, in 2011 we decided to help Project Night Nighta program that donates over 25,000 free packages to homeless children (containing  a new security blanket, a book, a stuffed animal and a tote bag) every year.  With our help they were able to donate the 750 packages they needed to hit all of the kids on their December list.  And in 2012 we donated a shitload of oxen to India (which seems weird, but awesome) and helped Project Night Night hit their goal of getting packages to 1,427 children affected by Hurricanes.

This year we’re going to switch it up and give 1,427 oxen to small children.  Or maybe we’ll just do what we did last year again. Because homeless kids being trampled by oxen seems slightly less festive.

It’s crazy simple to donate.  An entire package for Project Night Night only costs $20.  Plus, you can donate packages as presents in the name of all the people that you don’t want to send real gifts too.  Or you can donate bees in the name of people you don’t like.  For real.  It’s probably the worst present ever.  “For Christmas I bought you a big bag of angry bees.  Happy holidays, asshole.”  Except the bees go to needy people who’ll actual use them for pollination and honey and stuff.  But you could probably put one live bee in the “I donated in your name” envelope if you wanted to.  Or just put poison on the card.  Whatever.  I’m not here to judge you.

Want to donate?  Of course you do.  Just click here and you can donate directly to Project Night Night or here to donate to Heifer.  I’m starting it off by donating a llama in your name.  Yes, you.  I also bought 20 Project Night Night bags in your name in case you can’t afford to donate this year.

PS.  Don’t sweat it if you can’t afford to donate this year.  You can always share the Project Night Night page online or with friends to help spread the word.  Every little bit counts.

PPS.  I’m ccing the Pope on this one.  I’m pretty sure he needs to know about this shit.

James Garfield cannot tell a lie. He's like George Washington, but with his original teeth.

Happy holidays, you guys.  Thank you for being awesome.  You are worth ALL the llamas.

PPPS.  I have a ton of James Garfield holiday cards in my desk.  I’ll pick a bunch of people to randomly send them to in the comments.  Just leave a comment letting me know something nice you’re doing for someone else, if you can.

PPPPS.  Just a small update:  The Project Night Night folks emailed to tell me they received over $12,700 in donations in just the first day this post was up and donations are still flowing in.  They wanted to say thank you and so do I.  I don’t say it enough…I so adore you people.  Thank you for letting me be part of this amazing community.

PPPPPS. Just got an email from the very surprised Heifer people, who said to say thanks and that “the spike in numbers from your website was really impressive to the tune of more than 1K visitors and over $4K worth of bees!”  BEST ANGRY BEE CHRISTMAS EVER!

UPDATED: James Garfield for Sainthood

SEE UPDATE BELOW

Victor:  I bought Hailey one of those shelf-elves for Christmas.

me:  Yeah, I saw that.

Victor:  And now it’s gone.

me:  Yep.

Victor:  I can only assume you’ve done something exceedingly inappropriate with it.

me:  Don’t be ridiculous.  That’s what the cats are for.

Victor:  Then where is it?

me:  On my shelf.  BEING AWESOME.

No hamsters died for this picture. It was already dead of natural causes. Promise.

 

And speaking of the holidays, if you’ve been here long enough you probably know about the Miracle(s) of James Garfield.  One came in 2010 when we all accidentally came together to raise over $42k to help get presents for kids who would not have otherwise gotten any.  It was awesome, and the next year tons of people who were helped in the past asked if we could do it again because now they were back on their feet and wanted to pass on the gift they’d received, but I couldn’t do it because I was so exhausted from running it that I got really sick.  Sorry.  I suck.  So instead in 2011 we decided to help Project Night Night, which is a program that donates over 25,000 free packages to homeless children (containing  a new security blanket, a book, a stuffed animal and a tote bag).  With our help they were able to donate the 750 packages they needed to hit all of this kids on their list for last December.

This year, Project Night Night just sent 1,000 Project Night Night packages to children affected by superstorm Sandy and they need to get another 1,000 to finish the list of homeless children who still need help.  It’s crazy simple to donate.  An entire package only costs $20.  Plus, you can donate packages as presents in the name of your crazy uncle who already has everything, or your insane aunt who was always kind of a bitch to you when you were a kid.  EVERYONE WINS.

Want to donate?  Of course you do.  Just click here and you can donate directly.  I’m starting it off by donating the first 25 bags in honor of you (the internets) for being so incredibly supportive this year.

PS.  Don’t sweat it if you can’t afford to donate this year.  You can always share the Project Night Night page online or with friends to help spread the word.  Every little bit counts.

PPS.  If we actually raise the 1000 bags needed this will be James Garfield‘s 3rd documented miracle and we can then seriously start applying for Sainthood from the Pope.  It’s going to be awesome and/or very offensively ridiculous.

PPPS.  I also bought you a water buffalo.  I hope it’s the right size because I did not keep the receipt.

I'm glad they specify that it's a "full" water buffalo, because there's nothing worse than getting an empty water buffalo (which I assume would be like a sleeping bag with hooves).

Updated 12/17/12:  I just talked to Project Night Night and we’ve raised 826 bags for children in need of comfort.  174 more to go. We can do this.  It’s $20 to fund an entire bag and you can donate right here.

 

UPDATED: Weekly wrap up in the middle of the week

It’s not the end of the week but it feels like it is because Christmas fucks up my biorhythms and so every day feels like a Friday with no weekend in sight.  That’s why today I’m going to do a Sunday wrap-up for no reason whatsoever.

First, a few updates…Remember a few weeks ago when we all got together and tried to save Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and by donating 750 night-night bags for homeless children?

Well guess what?  WE FAILED.

But just barely.

But that means there are only 27 more packages to go.  And this is when I would say “Let’s have a bake-sale and raise that money, y’all!” but I’m too tired to make rice krispie treats so instead I just paid for the last 27 myself.  Done.  High-five, you guys.  Best motherfucking holiday drive ever.  (PS.  I paid for those last 27 out of the proceeds of my online shop (which is funded by you) so technically you paid for them.  Because you’re awesome.)

UPDATED:  

I just got an email from the founder of the Night Night Foundation and I wanted to share it with you guys:

“I’m not sure that I can really convey how much help you have given us this holiday.  Truly.  We had always heard about ‘the power of social networking’ but it never seemed to really work in the nonprofit sphere — until you stepped in of course.  You and your readers are really the most generous folks.  We have been so impressed by the swift action and by the kind words that we keep hearing from them.  Everyone is so sweet to let us know that they read about it on your blog.  We are beyond grateful.  I wish you could know how thankful we are this holiday season.”

They aren’t the only ones who are thankful.  I’m so lucky to be a part of something magical each year and none of this would happen without you.  Thank you for letting me be part of this.  Seriously.  Thank you. 

**********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by me.  Mostly because this isn’t a real weekly wrap-up.  But a lot of people told me that they’d bought my book as a present for friends and family and then realized that it doesn’t actually come out until April, so then they asked if I could send them something personal that they could print out to wrap up.  I said I would and then promptly forgot about it.  So I’m doing it here.  If you bought one of my books for someone else just print this out and put it in an envelope.  Also it makes the perfect gift for people to buy when they’re too lazy to go to the mall.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

 

The James Garfield Christmas (And Hanukah) Miracle Returns. Sort of.

This post is going to be crazy-ass hard to follow but it’s probably worth it, so buckle-up, buttercup.

Last year my lovely readers accidentally forced me to save Christmas by making me let them buy Christmas presents for children who might not have had any otherwise.  It’s hard to explain, so instead I’m going to send you to a link explaining how a giant, taxidermied boar’s head (named James Garfield) led to strangers donating over $40,000 to other strangers in what was probably the most baffling and profanity-filled Christmas miracle ever.  It was awesome.

This year I’ve had a lot of people ask if I’m doing the accidental-Christmas-miracle again this year and my first reaction was a resounding, “Oh, hell no.”

And that’s still my reaction.

But here’s the thing…almost all of the people asking if I’m doing the Christmas Miracle again this year are the people who were helped last year.  Except that this year they want to give back, because they were so moved by the way strangers reached out to help them last year that they want to pay it forward.

Holy crap, you people make it difficult to be all hard and grinchy.  And I suppose that’s why I love you. Grudgingly.  And completely.

But here’s the problem:  Last year I was so completely overwhelmed and exhausted that I found myself in a stress-induced rheumatoid arthritis flare-up that made me want to cut off all of my limbs.  And then I’d just be a torso.  No one wants that.

Tons of people have offered to help, but honestly the whole thing sounds suspiciously like a plot to make me lead some sort of annual charitable, good-will organization and I think I speak for all of us when I say that that is a terrible idea.  My skills are much used in buying giant metal chickens, and harassing Nathan Fillion It’s what I do.

So for the last month I’ve been thinking about what I could do to still help people while not actually having to do any work whatsoever.  And I think I have it.  Lightly organized good-deed doing.  Like, almost not organized at all.  Practically chaos, really.  Which is, I think, what you’ll all agree that I excel in.  So here’s how we’re doing The Second (and possibly last) Annual James Garfield Christmas (and Hanukkah) Miracle(s):

Miracle # 1:  Right now there are more more homeless children living in shelters in the U.S. since the Great Depression.  There’s an organization called Project Night Night that donates over 25,000 free Night Night Packages to homeless kids each year.  Each package contains a new security blanket, a children’s book and a stuffed animal, all nestled in a new canvas tote bag.  The organization needs at least 750 bags right now.  They’re $20 each, and you can sponsor a Night Night Package for a child by clicking here.

Miracle #2:  Toys for Tots.  Every year Victor and I donate a shitload of toys in my parent’s name. We take pictures of the donation and then give the pictures to my parents and thank them for teaching me the importance of giving to others.  End result:  Kids get presents and my parents feel awesome for raising me right (even though a horrible side-effect is that they haven’t gotten a proper Christmas present from us in a decade.)  But they’re cool with it because they’re not assholes.  My point is that you should consider doing this for your parents, because if they make you feel crappy about it they’re terrible people and don’t deserve proper presents anyway.  Moving on.

Miracle #3:  The Heifer Project.  Basically it’s about giving livestock and training to families around the world, because llamas are awesome.  Or something.  I don’t know.  I get confused after I see the llamas.  But I do know that they do amazing work and that you can buy a share of a goat for $10.  Which is great because you’re helping a family in need and you also get to tell your horrible aunt Frieda (who made you feel fat when you were 12 and won’t stop asking why you aren’t married yet) that for Christmas you bought a share of a goat in her honor.  The ass end.  Merry Christmas to everyone concerned.

Miracle #4:  This one is closest to last year’s bonanza, but I’m also shining a blinking “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” sign here because this one takes some trust.  There’s a website called Wish Upon a Hero.  The premise is that anyone can post a wish for something they need.  Sometimes people ask for encouragement, or for cards to cheer up a sick kid, or for clothes, toys, food, whatever.  If you’re someone currently in need of help, sign up and make a wish.  If you want to give help to someone in need then sign up and go here to find the kind of wish you want to grant.   It can be as simple as a word of encouragement or winter coats for children.  Your choice.

Miracle #5:  Just by reading this far you have already donated.  Tonight I’m donating $1,000 to the places above in the name of “You and everyone you know.”  And before you think this is totally selfless, please know that the $1,000 came from my online store, so technically  this money came from you anyway.  That’s why it is entirely ethical for you to tell friends and family that this year instead of giving out gifts you’re just giving to charity.  And that way you can use the money you would have spent on crap-for-people-who-don’t-need-more-crap on something more useful instead.  Like mortgages.  And pie.  And goat asses for bitter aunts who need to learn to mind their own damn business.

The fine print:   If you’re inspired to donate, please feel free to leave a comment telling us what you’re doing.  I loved seeing that stuff come in last year and I know it was inspiring to others as well.

If you leave a comment asking for help you can link to your Wish Upon a Hero post, but please don’t leave your email or contact info in your comment or it won’t get posted.

If you want to share a link of another charity that you love, or links to resources that people can use if they need help please do so.

And finally…thank you.  Thanks for listening, and for caring, and for reading this far.  

We’re all in this together, people.  

UPDATED:  I just bought a llama.  In a shopping cart.  Technology is weird.  And awesome.

It’s a nice day for a (James Garfield) wedding.

If you’re a first-time reader this will all seem incredibly strange and disorienting and you should probably just come back tomorrow, but if you know the mighty saga of  James Garfield then totally stick around.

The glorious taxidermied head of James Garfield has been responsible for a great many unintentional social-media miracles since the day I forced Victor to rescue him from dismemberment (not the least of which was the time when he inadvertently raised $42,000 to help people buy Christmas gifts for their kids and then ended up on Canadian TV for some reason) but today he adds “accidental matchmaker” to his list of accomplishments.

Once, years ago, an adorable man (and dedicated reader) bought a James Garfield holiday card for a beautiful woman (also a long-time reader) with the express intent of catching her attention.  At the time I mentioned to him that sending a mildly profane holiday card with a dead boar head on it was probably the worst seduction plan ever invented, but he was adamant that it would work.   And apparently he was right, because a few minutes ago that same man asked that same woman to be his wife. And she just said “yes”.

Congrats to the bad-ass couple.

This is supposed to be a picture of James Garfield dressed for a wedding. Victor pointed out that James Garfield is a dude so he should be dressed in a tux and top-hat rather than a veil but I don’t believe in gender-sterotyping.  Plus, I don’t have a wild boar tux just laying around the house.

I’m not made of tuxedos, Victor.

MORE GRAVY IN 2011

It’s my birthday in less than two hours and if you follow me on twitter you probably already know that since I just had a long, accidentally confusing discussion there about pony gravy and arthritis and I somehow came to the conclusion that there are a lot of people who have extra gravy but I never have extra gravy and so I came up with my new campaign slogan for the next time that I run for political office.

I'm a little drunk but I'm pretty sure this totally sings.

This probably makes almost no sense even if you’re perfectly sober and actually followed the whole weird thing on twitter but it’s (almost) my birthday so you technically have to say nice things to me.  Unless you comment on this before midnight.  Then you are free to remind me that I really need to stop drunk-blogging.

PS. On an unrelated note, for some reason a ton of church websites apparently just found the James Garfield Miracle post and they somehow came to the conclusion that this is “an inspirational blog” and now all these conservative, religious websites are linking to the front page of my blog which is all “MORE GRAVY IN 2011″ and “VAGINA DENTATA“.  I’m probably the only one who finds this amusing.

I’m sending him a men’s 2X though because I don’t even think the Pope could pull off a baby-doll cut.

I’m supposed to be writing my weekly wrap-up but I’m too sleepy so instead I just made a t-shirt to send to the Pope so that he’s aware that James Garfield needs to be named the Patron Saint of Accidental Miracles.

(PS. If you want one for yourself just click this picture.)

Then I went to look up the Pope’s mailing address and this popped up:

I'm sure that ad is just a coincidence.

Comment of the day: I’ll try to work up a nice ejaculation to Saint James Garfield. That’s always a good thing to have when you’re a saint. A good ejaculation. It’s just a short prayer that you can say in one breath. But it works like an ad slogan. I’m good with ejaculations.

Saint James Garfield Ejaculation:

“Lord, grant me a cheerful disposition, and if I’m still an asshole then freeze my lips in a smile like James Garfield of Accidental Miracles. Amen.”

Say it like you mean it. ~ Fred Miller

James Garfield is a goddamn saint. Almost

It’s the day before Christmas Eve and the completely inadvertent Christmas miracle is still going on over here between people who are now matching themselves up since I’ve officially hit the brick wall of exhaustion.  If you want to help or need help you can comment by clicking here but for now lets get back to the ridiculousness fluffiness and offensive weirdness that probably none of us have missed at all.

I’ve been so swamped matching donors with people in need that yesterday was the first day that I got to do my own Christmas shopping and I’d ordered Hailey a Rapunzel doll but it didn’t come in so I went to Target and the Rapunzel walls were *totally* bare and I was all “THE COBBLER’S CHILDREN HAVE NO SHOES” but then my mom was all “OMG, just get her a barbie and we’ll tell her it’s Rapunzel, drama queen. She’s six, for God’s sake” so we picked out the least slutty barbie we could fine and Christmas was saved.

Then I got a call from this big Canadian network who asked if I could come to a studio for a live interview that night and I was all “I’m not good with geography but I’m pretty sure I can’t drive from Texas to Canada in 3 hours” and she said that she’d found a CBS station nearby that would do a live feed and I said I’d go but only if James Garfield could be interviewed with me because he was the one who started this whole thing and she didn’t exactly say no so Victor and I took off with the head of James Garfield to the news station.  James Garfield looked very happy as always but Victor kept glaring and sighing at me as he no doubt wondered how his life got like this and he kept asking if I was sure that all the news people knew I was bringing a giant boar head to be interviewed  and I was all “Of course they do” but I kept looking off when I said it because Victor can usually tell when I’m lying.  Then Victor carried James Garfield’s giant head into the newsroom and all the anchors were like “Um…so are you doing a story on taxidermy?” and I was all “No, this is the head of James Garfield and he’s performed two Christmas miracles.  If he performs one more we’re going to petition the Pope to give him sainthood.  True story.” and they were all “Of course you are” and Victor was like “STOP TALKING. YOU SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON” and I was all “There is nothing I just said that isn’t the truth” and then the anchors started to walk off and I was all “He started a movement that gave $42,000 to people who needed Christmas Miracles!  CANADIAN TV IS SCOOPING YOU!” and then they nicely nodded and left to call security probably.

Quick note for anyone who hasn’t been here forever. James Garfield is what I named the giant, tattered, taxidermied head of a wild boar that I made my husband buy at an estate sale last year because James Garfield looked SO DAMN HAPPY.  Then every time Victor would walk in my office he’d huff that he couldn’t believe I’d spent $90 on James Garfield so I decided to make back the money to get Victor to shut up so I offered on my blog to make homemade Christmas Cards with James Garfield’s face on them saying things like “OH IT JUST GOT ALL KINDS OF MOTHERFUCKIN’ FESTIVE IN HERE, Y’ALL” for $10 each.  I made back the $90 and made so much extra that I got carpal tunnel and was able to donate a few hundred dollars to a fellow blogger recovering from a stroke.  She wasn’t doing well at the time but now she’s kicking as much ass as you can from a wheelchair (which is a shitload, apparently).  Probably due to the James Garfield cards if I had to give my professional medical opinion.  MIRACLE NUMBER ONE.

Then this year people asked for James Garfield cards but I was too tired to make them so I just put them on zazzle and I was shocked to find that $600 of cards were sold so Victor and I decided that since we were so lucky this year we’d give $30 gift certificates to the first 20 people who left a comment saying they needed help getting Christmas for their children.  When more requests flooded in a reader stepped up and offered to help the 21st person and then another and another and then it avalanched into hundred of strangers sending hundreds of strangers over $42,000 in toys, food, car seats and more.    MIRACLE NUMBER TWO.

And that’s why James Garfield was with me when I went on air and what’s really awesome is that I did the entire interview standing next to the enthusiastically jolly head of James Garfield and no one ever explained why they hell he was there. So everyone watching in Canada who didn’t know the backstory was all “Why is there a giant boar head there and why is that girl introducing him as James Garfield?”  Even the host seemed a bit baffled.  WHICH WAS AWESOME.

You can watch the video of the whole thing by clicking here.

Also, when I’m really, really exhausted my eyes get dry and stick together and it looks like I have a nervous tick or that I’m sending morse code signals to terrorists.  I assure you, I don’t even know morse code.

PS.  From my sister:  “I always knew one day you would make International news, but I always assumed it would involve some sort of horrific accident.”  Dude. You and me both.

Thank you from me, Victor, Hailey, Anderson Cooper and James Garfield

UPDATE: Wow.  That went heartbreakingly fast.  But there are other people out there who have so sweetly offered up gift cards that they don’t need or who’ve sent emails about wanting to help so keep leaving comments and I’ll do my best to match up donators with those of you needing help.  I’m sure we won’t be able to help everyone and I’m sorry for that but every little bit counts.  Also, consider contacting Toys for Tots if you need presents.  It’s easy (aside from the line you have to wait in) to get new presents for your kids that way and there’s no one there judging you.  And I hope that everyone reads the comments and it spurs you on to donating, even if it’s only a few dollars or to just remember how lucky we are.  The world is both darker and brighter than we think.

**********************

I’m about to ruin your image of me but it’s for a good cause.

In my family we have one Christmas tradition that we never, ever skip.  Every year at Christmas Victor and Hailey and I go out and buy my parents the best Christmas present that they never actually get.  This year we’re gearing up for the same thing (and I totally recommend it to anyone who has some extra cash to share) but we’re also doing something different.

This year was hard for so a lot people and so many people I know are struggling.  They’re looking for work or for places to live and suddenly the things that you take for granted, like buying Christmas presents for your kids, become a luxury you can’t afford.  I’ve had my years of struggling and borrowing and getting the water shut off because you couldn’t afford to pay it but this year we’ve been really lucky.  We aren’t rich but we’re blessed and so much of that is because of you.  Whether you left a kind comment or nice email or supported me by buying ridiculous James Garfield holiday cards you made a difference to me.  And that’s why we’re taking all the money you gave me for James Garfield cards and we’re giving it back.

If you’re struggling for money right now and don’t know how you’ll give your kids presents then leave me a comment.  You don’t have to use your real name or leave a url or prove anything.  Just leave me a comment and your email address (always hidden and never used) and I’ll email a $30 Amazon gift card to the first twenty people who leave a comment explaining why it would make a difference in their lives right now.

Thank you to everyone who made a difference to me.

PS.  My guess is that with so many people out of work right now these will go fast so if you’re in a place where you’re lucky enough to have money to share then please donate to Toys for Tots.  Or if you’d like to help by doing your own gift card giveaway (even giving one can make a huge difference and you can do it all online) on your blog then just leave a comment with your url below and we can keep this going until we help as many people as we can.

PPS.  I’m so grateful I’m able to do this and I wouldn’t have had the money to do this without you.  Thank you. You make the world go ’round.

PPPS.  I promise to be less sappy tomorrow.

James Garfield is currently on the floor beside me because I can’t find a stud in the wall to hang him but it’s nice because it looks like he’s bursting through the basement, which is awesome because we don’t even *have* a basement so basically James Garfield is making my house seem bigger WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

This year we couldn’t take a real family vacation so we’re taking Hailey to see her cousins and Disney Land for a few days so I’ll be vaguely MIA starting tomorrow because every time I pull out my phone to get on the internet Victor will huff at me accusingly and so I’ll have to duck into the bathroom a lot to approve comments surreptitiously and then Victor will yell at me for drinking too much and I’ll be all “WELL MAYBE I HAVE A BLADDER INFECTION, ASSHOLE” and then he’ll insist that we go to the Disney emergency room to check it out because he won’t believe me and we’ll miss all the parades because I’m too busy peeing in a specimen cup all because my husband doesn’t understand the importance of social media.

But while I’m gone you can check out two things.  First off, this. The comments on this post made me cry…but in the best way possible.

Secondly, a ton of people have asked if I’m making James Garfield Christmas cards again this year and the short answer is “sort of?”

A short summary for those of you who are new here this year:   Last year I became obsessed with the head of a badly deteriorated, taxidermied Wild Boar which Victor refused to buy for me. I named him James Garfield.  Then James Garfield was threatened with dismemberment in a horrific emotional ransom attempt and I may have freaked out a little and then Victor grudgingly rescued him like some kinda goddamn American hero.  Then I sold James Garfield-esque Christmas cards to make back the money we spent on him so Victor that would stop glaring at me every time he looked at James Garfield and then so many people bought them that James Garfield made more than I did that month than I did, although he did inadvertently cause an international financial crisis which made a several Canadians seriously inappropriately furious.  Quite a few of you have asked if you can buy James Garfield Christmas cards this year but I suck and I’m crazy behind on everything so I’m farming it out.  But if you want to send Christmas cards to your family with photos of the happiest fucking dead boar in the world I totally have your back.  You can order your Christmas cards by clicking here.

A few examples:

I also made a non-James Garfield blank holiday card which you can use to warn your coworkers and family that you’re not putting up with their crazy bullshit this year.  It’s my personal Christmas card but I thought I’d share because I’m generous that way.  You. Are. Welcome.

Special note to burglars: I’ll be back Sunday but my house will be protected by my heavily-armed, entertainingly-unstable Bohemian father who pulls entrails out of dead things for a living.  This is what we have instead of an alarm.

Comment of the day: This makes me want to send out Christmas cards. No, wait. This makes me want to buy something dead and decorate it for the holidays. I wonder how much Bea Arthur costs.  ~ alonewithcats

Update: For some reason my zazzle store hates me and the Mullet Tov card keeps randomly disappearing.  I blame anti-Semitic shoplifters.  Anyway, if one of the ten products doesn’t show up in my store the individual links are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.  Get your shit together, Zazzle.