You know how every year we do some sort of fundraiser for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa in hopes of getting my taxidermied boar head canonized by the Pope? Well, I was just thinking that now that we have a new, slightly-less-creepy Pope, James Garfield might finally have a chance at sainthood. But then I started looking at Hanukkah and turns out it ends day after tomorrow. I yelled at several Jewish friends for not letting me know this earlier and they apologized, saying “Um…we’re busy with Hanukkah, bitch. Maybe get a fucking calendar.” And one of them said something in Yiddish that I think translates to “YOU SHOULD LAUGH WITH LIZARDS“, which is an actual real insult and makes me want to take Yiddish classes.
Regardless, if you’ve been here long enough you probably know all about (or were a part of) The Many Miracle(s) of James Garfield. The first came in 2010 when we all accidentally came together to raise over $42k to help get presents for kids who would not have otherwise gotten any. It was awesome, and the next year tons of people who were helped in the past asked if we could do it again because now they were back on their feet and wanted to pass on the gift they’d received, but I couldn’t do it because I was so exhausted from running it that I got really sick. Sorry. I’m too shitty to be successfully philanthropic. So instead, in 2011 we decided to help Project Night Night, a program that donates over 25,000 free packages to homeless children (containing a new security blanket, a book, a stuffed animal and a tote bag) every year. With our help they were able to donate the 750 packages they needed to hit all of the kids on their December list. And in 2012 we donated a shitload of oxen to India (which seems weird, but awesome) and helped Project Night Night hit their goal of getting packages to 1,427 children affected by Hurricanes.
This year we’re going to switch it up and give 1,427 oxen to small children. Or maybe we’ll just do what we did last year again. Because homeless kids being trampled by oxen seems slightly less festive.
It’s crazy simple to donate. An entire package for Project Night Night only costs $20. Plus, you can donate packages as presents in the name of all the people that you don’t want to send real gifts too. Or you can donate bees in the name of people you don’t like. For real. It’s probably the worst present ever. ”For Christmas I bought you a big bag of angry bees. Happy holidays, asshole.” Except the bees go to needy people who’ll actual use them for pollination and honey and stuff. But you could probably put one live bee in the “I donated in your name” envelope if you wanted to. Or just put poison on the card. Whatever. I’m not here to judge you.
Want to donate? Of course you do. Just click here and you can donate directly to Project Night Night or here to donate to Heifer. I’m starting it off by donating a llama in your name. Yes, you. I also bought 20 Project Night Night bags in your name in case you can’t afford to donate this year.
PS. Don’t sweat it if you can’t afford to donate this year. You can always share the Project Night Night page online or with friends to help spread the word. Every little bit counts.
PPS. I’m ccing the Pope on this one. I’m pretty sure he needs to know about this shit.
Happy holidays, you guys. Thank you for being awesome. You are worth ALL the llamas.
PPPS. I have a ton of James Garfield holiday cards in my desk. I’ll pick a bunch of people to randomly send them to in the comments. Just leave a comment letting me know something nice you’re doing for someone else, if you can.
PPPPS. Just a small update: The Project Night Night folks emailed to tell me they received over $12,700 in donations in just the first day this post was up and donations are still flowing in. They wanted to say thank you and so do I. I don’t say it enough…I so adore you people. Thank you for letting me be part of this amazing community.
PPPPPS. Just got an email from the very surprised Heifer people, who said to say thanks and that “the spike in numbers from your website was really impressive to the tune of more than 1K visitors and over $4K worth of bees!” BEST ANGRY BEE CHRISTMAS EVER!