See you next Tuesday.

I’m a big fan of this lovely mug, which cleverly uses the “C” of the handle to let you be terrible in person:

unt …and it really inspired me so I designed this:

Victor says no one will buy this but I disagree.  Then he asked if I was going to buy one and I was like "God, no."

Victor says no one will buy this but I disagree. Then he asked if I was going to buy one and I was like, “OH GOD NO.”

And then Victor was like “The whole point of the first mug is so you can walk around with profanity on your glass but not have it be noticed” and I was like, “Yeah.  Obviously.”  And he was all, “I’m pretty sure everyone will know what ‘unnilingus’ means”, but I just typed it in and spellcheck was like “THAT’S NOT A WORD.  NO GUESSES FOUND” so I’m pretty sure that proves it’s more subtle than Victor thinks.

Then Victor argued that, “You can’t just expect spellcheck to suggest ‘cunnilingus’” and I was like, “God, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

Because then I’d have one nickel.

I also thought about making a mug that said “amel-toe” but that seemed weird and so instead I just wrote “WORD” on a mug.  That way you can carry it around  and people will think you’re just really into Vanilla Ice, but really it says another thing completely.

It's subtle.  And then not subtle at all.

It’s subtle. And then not subtle at all.

If you don’t see it then you aren’t looking hard enough.

PS. Use the promo code: VETERANDAY14 at checkout to get 15% off all my profane mugs until Friday.

PPS. Some fabulous(ly disturbing) requests and suggestions have come in.  See the comments for even more terrible things.

Want to try acid?

I’ve been MIA for a titch because I thought I was sick and I kept waiting for it to pass and then I realized that I’m depressed.  That would be a relief except that I’m depressed.  But in better news, I’m actually feeling emotions today rather than numbness so I feel like I’m coming out of it.  But not quite enough to write a real post so instead I’m going to show you what it’s like to be on acid.

Just look at this (I swear to God it’s not one of those videos where you stare at it and something jumps out and screams at you) for awhile and then look away.  I did it and then I looked at my dolls and they started moving around and it was both terrifying and awesome.  Also, if you have migraines or epilepsy maybe skip this and go have a cocktail.  Or some real acid.

PS. Don’t have some real acid.  God knows what people put in it nowadays.

Happy Halloween from Game of Thrones. Sort of.

I bought my Halloween costume months ago because I fell in love with the sleeves and Victor was like “Who are you supposed to be?” and I didn’t really have a good answer so I just said, “Game of Thrones.  I’m going as Game of Thrones.”  Then he said, “You can’t be ‘Game of Thrones‘.  You can’t be a whole tv show.”   But I disagree because technically I don’t know who I’m dressed as.  I just liked the outfit.  But Victor kept pushing for an answer so I was like, I’m Game of Thrones.  I’m a really important character who George R.R. Martin hasn’t actually invented yet.  She’s super bad-ass.  I’m cutting-edge, futuristic Game of Thrones.”  

I don’t have a picture of me wearing it but it’s this:

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

Then he stared at me as if I was crazy, and I was like, “She’s a mysterious stranger with a dark secret.  She likes pina-coladas and getting caught in the rain.  She avoids weddings.  I don’t know, Victor.  I DON’T KNOW GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S END GAME.”  And then Victor shook his head, but technically I could have said I was any current character and he wouldn’t be able to dispute it because there are so many characters now we’ve pretty much renamed Game of Thrones: “Wait.  Who is that?  Is that girl new?  What’s happening again?  Are you sure we’re even watching the right show?”  

(And also, I sort of look like Maester Luwin but without the necklace, or the penis.)

 Then Victor was like “I can’t believe you spent money on burlap.  Long-sleeved burlap.” and I was like, “THE LONGEST SLEEVES.  SLEEVES FOR DAYS!” and he said “This is Texas.  You’re going to get heatstroke” and I stared at him and whispered, huskily: 

Winter is coming.”  

Then he shook his head at my idiocy and I smiled and reminded him that “Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”  Or at least that’s what I’d like to say happened, but I can never think of the right quotes to use at the time and I was distracted because Ferris Mewler started chasing after my sleeves because he thought they were cat toys and he was hanging off the end of one while I tried to shake him loose, screaming: “MY DIREWOLF HAS BETRAYED ME” and then Victor just walked away.

Hailey, on the other hand, loved my costume and decided we should match and I explained I was dressed like a non-existent character from a book about bad-ass warriors and dragons and danger, so she picked out a Viking Guard costume because she thought it would be a good fit with mine.  (We also created a very complicated back-story for each of our characters but I can’t write it all here because I don’t know how litigious George R.R. Martin is.)

Anyway, Hailey’s costume came in last week and Victor said, “Cool.  Are you supposed to be a Norse Warrior?” and she was like, “Nope.  I’m Game of Thrones.”

haileywarrior

She comes by it naturally.

Happy Halloween, y’all.

warriorhailey

Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast and it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.

Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast, but it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.  Also educational.  Maybe.

Long story short, I got asked to substitute for Veronica Belmont who couldn’t make it to this month’s Vaginal Fantasy Book Club (a monthly live-streamed web series where Veronica, Felicia Day, Bonnie Burton and Kiala Kazebee discuss and dissect smut while getting progressively drunker each minute) and I was super excited because I got to hang out with some of the most amazing women ever while never having to leave my house.

Minutes before the show I announced on twitter that I may have taken the “Vaginal Fantasy” too literally because my costume included my extra fancy vagina and suddenly Veronica was like “I’M HERE. I CAN MAKE IT AFTER ALL” and I’m not sure if that’s because she wanted to protect the world from my vagina, or just wanted to see it herself but it either way, it all worked out.

If you’re bored you should plug in your headphones and watch during lunch because it’s like hanging out with friends you don’t even have to talk to.  It’s also funnier if you’re drunk, so take a drink whenever we do.

Related:  People asked to see the whole outfit.  It’s inspired by Miss Kitty and it’s super twirly.  The vagina fascinator is a wondrous vulva puppet I stapled onto a headband.

miss kitty

Unrelated: We are still working on the Commandments of our new religion so you need to add them here so we can make an official scroll or something.  Also, “Commandments” sounds bossy so we need to rethink phraseology too.  Maybe “Suggestions to keep the world from being an asshole” or “Hints from Heloise”?  I think that last one may already be taken.

Also, someone asked if it was sacrilegious to start a new organized religion and no, it’s not, because this is the opposite of organized religion.  If anything, it’s disorganized religion, and it works as a tasty condiment to whatever you already are now.  It’s like the ketchup of religions.

PS.  Someone is going to say that I should have said that The Church of Bloggessianism is the gravy of religions since one of our basic tenets is “More gravy for everyone”, but gravy is not a condiment.  Gravy is a way of life.  Stop underestimating gravy.

 

You can call me “Spatula” for short.

Did you read my post about Victor always being wrong even though he’s mostly right, and the internet’s enthusiasm in enabling me in what’s probably a very unhealthy but also fantastic way?  If so, then you’ll realize why this is so awesome.

According to wikipedia, this is all accurate and the changes were listed under the category of “Truthfulness“.  (Click on the picture to super-size.)

wikipedia bloggess oct 2014

A few highlights:

  • My name is now: Jennifer Juanita Spatula Jezebel Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out Lawson
  • Under the category of “children” it lists two: “1 daughter, 1 husband”.
  • My religion is “Bloggessianism” and I was born in “Time” and “Space”
  • New facts:  1)  “In arguments and discussions with her husband, Victor, she is right and he is wrong.”  2)  “She also owns a chicken.”

Several people have said they misread my spouse as “Victim” rather than “Victor” and frankly that seems fair because Victor is a tremendous good sport considering the ridiculousness I involuntarily drag him into.  In fact, he told me he agreed completely with all of the “Victor is wrong” websites, but I’m pretty sure he just did that because if Victor is right about always being wrong then that must be wrong which means that Victor is right and wrong at the same time and I’m pretty sure that creates some sort of paradox and now we’ll be sucked into a wormhole.  

And that just seems wrong.  

Full circle, you guys.

PS.  I sort of like that “Bloggessianism” is listed as a religion because now when people try to give me pamphlets about their religion I can just give them back my own pamphlets.  My only problem is that I don’t really know anything about Bloggessianism so it’s going to be a very small pamphlet unless we come up with shit to go in there.  I’m just spitballing here so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Some basic tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed.  We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well.  This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc.  (FYI…today is National Chocolate Day so if you’re at work you need to leave right now and go make some s’mores for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it.  Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Someone needs to make an official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you.  Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

 

This is what’s happening in my mind anyway.

This weekend I’ll be at WordCamp in San Francisco to talk about blogging.

I’m not afraid to admit that my 10-year-old daughter knows far more about coding than I do, and that I suspect anyone who can create a website using strings of seemingly random words and numbers must be involved in some sort of witchcraft.  If anyone asks me any difficult questions about programming or java or algorithms I will probably react in almost exactly this way:

You’ve been warned, San Francisco.

Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

So my friend Maile came to my house to pick me up for lunch and we were a block away when I saw something large and hairy in the back of the pick-up heading toward us, I thought “That is the biggest fucking dog I have ever seen” and then the truck got closer and I thought, “That can’t be a dog.  Is that Sasquatch?”  And then the pickup passed us and I involuntarily screamed: “WATER BUFFALO!”

And then Maile looked at me with mild confusion (probably because I’d just interrupted her story which had nothing to do with water buffalos) and I said, “DUDE. A FUCKING WATER BUFFALO DRIVE PAST US” and she was like, “Really?  I didn’t notice.” And I think that’s a pretty good sign that you’re not paying attention to the road, or that you live in Texas and you’ve learned block shit like that out.

Then Maile said “Do you want me to turn around and follow the water buffalo?” and I said “HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?” and she nodded and said, “Right.  Follow the water buffalo” as she made a quick U-turn.  And after a minute I started to worry that maybe there wasn’t a water buffalo at all and that I was having a nervous breakdown, but then we saw it:

I think we need a different sign.

I think we need a different sign.

It was far away but we didn’t have a water buffalo in the back so we were able to catch up with the truck and Maile was like “Huh.  Why does this stuff happen to you?” and I thought it was probably that I was just really lucky, and then the truck slowed down and I was happy because I’d get a better picture of the water buffalo, but then we got a little too close and I was like “Shit. Slow down.  He’s gonna jump.”

What?

Sidenote: Those horns seem very unfortunate.  It looks like he’s trying to comb them down into a wig so he can go to the mall without being hassled for being a water buffalo.

And I would have felt really badly if the water buffalo had jumped because I’m not sure Maile is insured for water buffalo car-pounces, but then we realized he was taxidermied.

Then Maile asked “Wait.  Are they going to your house?  Is this your water buffalo?” and I hesitated for a second because I thought, ‘Had I ordered a water buffalo and just forgotten?’  But then I realized there was no way because I’m pretty sure water buffalo are just big cows and it seems a bit sad to hunt down and taxidermy a cow.

Then I thought, “Maybe this is a water buffalo surprise party and Maile was supposed to lure me out of the house so they could deliver the water buffalo” but that seemed unlikely because Victor is terrible at keeping surprises and also he doesn’t like taxidermy or water buffalos.  Turns out it’s my neighbor’s water buffalo.

I don’t have a good way to end this story so I’m just cutting it off there because “Turns out it’s my neighbors water buffalo” is a better ending sentence than “And then we ate some fried chicken and went home.”

PS. I showed the pictures to Victor and it turns out it’s not a water buffalo after all.  It’s a musk-ox.  I’m not sure the difference, but from the pictures I suspect musk-oxen are just water buffaloes with better shampoo.

UPDATED:  I’ve been asked if I’ve made friends with these neighbors and the truth is that I’ve only met a few and the last one uninvited me to a Republican fundraiser when I couldn’t stop laughing and I just handed her a copy of my book to explain why that would be a terrible idea.  I was also asked if the faux-stuffalo could be given a saddle and the answer is “YES”.  The other answer is that if that was my water-buffalo/musk-ox I would put motorized wheels on it and be riding  on it’s back around the neighborhood like mad.  It’s like the best golf cart/wheelchair ever.

Frankly, I'm not sure why no one is riding it at the moment and if they were going slower I probably would have hopped on.  It's like those coin-operated metal horses we used to ride on in front of grocery stores, except with no quarters necessary.  It would only be better if it was a *live* water-buffalo/musk-ox that had GPS and a stereo.

Frankly, I’m not sure why no one is riding it at the moment and if they were going slower I probably would have hopped on and pretended it was a parade float. It’s like those coin-operated metal horses we used to ride on in front of grocery stores, except with no quarters necessary. It would only be better if it was a *live* water-buffalo/musk-ox that had GPS and a stereo.