Last time I moved into a new neighborhood I posted multiple flyers about my missing rattlesnake until I practically got fined for too-much-awesomeness.  Or “being a nuisance” according to the Home Owners Association.

This time when moving into a new neighborhood I decided to do things differently.

Very differently.

Or, as Victor says, not really so differently at all.

I’ll keep you (and these) posted.

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Three things that made a week full of rotten wood and crying in the closet turn around completely for me:

1.  The hundreds and hundreds of fantastic suggestions to the Rules For Life List.

2.  Finding the final Sookie Stackhouse book had been released and reading it in a single sitting.  STOP JUDGING.  THEY ARE AWESOME.

3. Finding out that my fucking amazing friend, Allie Brosh, is back from the dark side.  She’s one of the people in my life that truly gets what it’s like to be trapped in a full-on, completely-detached-from-reality depression and survive, plus she did it for about 87 years (in depression years) and that gives me such hope that even when it feels like my mind will never snap back…it always will.  Probably.   Now stop whatever you are doing and go read her blog.  But don’t crash her server.  So maybe go in alphabetical order, or by the age you lost your virginity.

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I’ve made rules that I’m trying to implement in my life.  Want to see them?  Probably not.  But here they are anyway:

RULES FOR LIFE

1. Don’t be shitty.

2. Don’t make happy people sad.

3. Don’t make sad people sadder.

4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.

5. Flush the toilet behind you.  You’re grossing us all out.

6. Support the under-dog.

7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand.  That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.

8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.

9. Be stupid.  Be childlike.  Be ridiculous.  Be happy.

10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

11. Read more.  Watch shows that inspire you.  Embrace whatever makes you geek out.  Even if it’s Laura Ingalls.  Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death.  Stop judging me.  

12. Bite off more than you can chew.  You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it.  Women do it all the time.

12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles.  If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do.  Unless it’s this list.  Then I guess just use your best judgement.

15. Become a pirate.  Or a monster truck.  Or a space toddler.  Or a jacket.  That’s my favorite one.  I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry.  You looked cold.  Zip me up.”  It’s awesome.

16. Do something nice for someone you love.

17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.

18. Do something nice for you.

19. Do ‘The Robot’.

20.  Add your own.  Go ahead.  You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.

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I’m starting to sell some fucked-up shit on ebay so that I can buy some more fucked-up shit on ebay.  It’s a vicious circle, and a sign that I probably need help.  Regardless, my decapitated, possibly-haunted, broken robot is already at $46 and that pays for at least a dozen lightly-used glass eyeballs.

Also, the shipping is $25 in the US (it’s crazy heavy because of the motor on the bottom) or free if you just want the dismembered head.  And if you win I’ll throw in a free, signed copy of my book.  Or I’ll leave it out if you think that lowers the value of the overall package.  It’s totally up to you.

PS. It’s way easier to read on the actual site.

My favorite part: “Have one to sell? Sell it yourself!”

Because who doesn’t have an extra, decapitated, soul-devouring, home-made, broken robot?

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