I started writing this post a year ago and I still don’t have a good ending.

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  Look!  I designed a shirt for us:

procrastinate no

Victor:  “Procrastinate no“?

me:  It was meant to say “PROCRASTINATE NOW” but then I got distracted and never finished it.

Victor:  Well, that’s ridiculous.

Me:  No, it’s fitting.  Because I’m all, “PROCRASTINATE NOW!” because I’m cool with procrastination.  So cool with it, in fact, that I didn’t even finish the shirt.  But then it also works for you because you hate procrastination, so if you wear it it’s more like: “PROCRASTINATE?  NO!”  Either way, everyone agrees.  And now we can both wear the same shirt so we’re saving money on clothes.

Victor:  Except that we don’t wear the same size.   And the shirt isn’t here.

me:  I haven’t ordered it yet.  I figured I’d do it later.

Victor:  So you haven’t ordered the shirt that you haven’t finished…which celebrates the fact that you procrastinate?

me:  Yes.  I’m proving my own point without even wearing the shirt.  That’s how good of a shirt it is.

PS.  I read that The Nepalese postal service sometimes gets so behind they throw away sacks of undelivered mail. Based on that, I think I might be Nepalesian. Or Nepaleatic.  Or Neopolitan. I’m not sure which, but I just spent an hour looking up why I don’t have time to answer all my mail in the time it could have taken me to answer all my mail.  I can’t tell if that’s impressive or incredibly sad.  Also, I just remembered that I haven’t taken my ADD drugs in awhile.

Things are starting to make sense now.

 ******************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid4(Paper collage courtesy of Bethany Goosen.)

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

This week‘s wrap-up is brought to you the fabulous Victoria Elizabeth Barnes, who writes about restoring her old Victorian house… Sort of.  She writes about being married, surviving intense and chaotic house-projects with her husband, and her deep love of craigslist/hoarding giant architectural salvage.  You might know her from the time she brought home a massive mirror that’s bigger than my first apartment, but my favorite was the time she made her husband rip down walls to save treasure.  Go read it.

Neptune is surrounded by a fog of invisible cats and sloths. FACT.

According to the internet this is a real fact:

“On Saturn and Jupiter, it actually rains diamonds! Although the diamonds disintegrate before they reach the planet surfaces, they fall in their solid forms through the atmosphere.”

I’m sorry.  That can’t be true.  They’re just making shit up now.  But it’s a good fact to invent because it’s fascinating and how are you going to disprove it?  I could say that Mars is covered with a heavy fog of invisible cats and unicorn-sloths and no one could say shit about it.  Except for maybe astronomers and astrophysicists, I guess.  But I suspect they’re just making this stuff up as they go along so I think I just need to find someone to bribe at NASA and then all my facts will be accepted too.

They’d be like, “Invisible cats and unicorn-sloth fog?  Really?  Well, we did do ‘It rains diamonds on Saturn’ and people fell for that insanity.  We were super-drunk when we wrote that and we thought people would realize we were being sarcastic but apparently we need a sarcasm font because people will believe fucking anything.  You know what?  Fine.  No one is reading this shit anyway.”

Back me up here, Phil Plait.

PS. I don’t have a picture of invisible cats on Mars because they’re invisible (which I think is proof of my theory) so I’m making up for it with a picture of Ferris Mewler in his usual position on the stairs.

That can't be comfortable.

That can’t be comfortable.

See you next Tuesday.

I’m a big fan of this lovely mug, which cleverly uses the “C” of the handle to let you be terrible in person:

unt …and it really inspired me so I designed this:

Victor says no one will buy this but I disagree.  Then he asked if I was going to buy one and I was like "God, no."

Victor says no one will buy this but I disagree. Then he asked if I was going to buy one and I was like, “OH GOD NO.”

And then Victor was like “The whole point of the first mug is so you can walk around with profanity on your glass but not have it be noticed” and I was like, “Yeah.  Obviously.”  And he was all, “I’m pretty sure everyone will know what ‘unnilingus’ means”, but I just typed it in and spellcheck was like “THAT’S NOT A WORD.  NO GUESSES FOUND” so I’m pretty sure that proves it’s more subtle than Victor thinks.

Then Victor argued that, “You can’t just expect spellcheck to suggest ‘cunnilingus'” and I was like, “God, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

Because then I’d have one nickel.

I also thought about making a mug that said “amel-toe” but that seemed weird and so instead I just wrote “WORD” on a mug.  That way you can carry it around  and people will think you’re just really into Vanilla Ice, but really it says another thing completely.

It's subtle.  And then not subtle at all.

It’s subtle. And then not subtle at all.

If you don’t see it then you aren’t looking hard enough.

PS. Use the promo code: VETERANDAY14 at checkout to get 15% off all my profane mugs until Friday.

PPS. Some fabulous(ly disturbing) requests and suggestions have come in.  See the comments for even more terrible things.

Want to try acid?

I’ve been MIA for a titch because I thought I was sick and I kept waiting for it to pass and then I realized that I’m depressed.  That would be a relief except that I’m depressed.  But in better news, I’m actually feeling emotions today rather than numbness so I feel like I’m coming out of it.  But not quite enough to write a real post so instead I’m going to show you what it’s like to be on acid.

Just look at this (I swear to God it’s not one of those videos where you stare at it and something jumps out and screams at you) for awhile and then look away.  I did it and then I looked at my dolls and they started moving around and it was both terrifying and awesome.  Also, if you have migraines or epilepsy maybe skip this and go have a cocktail.  Or some real acid.

PS. Don’t have some real acid.  God knows what people put in it nowadays.

Happy Halloween from Game of Thrones. Sort of.

I bought my Halloween costume months ago because I fell in love with the sleeves and Victor was like “Who are you supposed to be?” and I didn’t really have a good answer so I just said, “Game of Thrones.  I’m going as Game of Thrones.”  Then he said, “You can’t be ‘Game of Thrones‘.  You can’t be a whole tv show.”   But I disagree because technically I don’t know who I’m dressed as.  I just liked the outfit.  But Victor kept pushing for an answer so I was like, I’m Game of Thrones.  I’m a really important character who George R.R. Martin hasn’t actually invented yet.  She’s super bad-ass.  I’m cutting-edge, futuristic Game of Thrones.”  

I don’t have a picture of me wearing it but it’s this:

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

I look just like this but with less hair and more everything else.

Then he stared at me as if I was crazy, and I was like, “She’s a mysterious stranger with a dark secret.  She likes pina-coladas and getting caught in the rain.  She avoids weddings.  I don’t know, Victor.  I DON’T KNOW GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S END GAME.”  And then Victor shook his head, but technically I could have said I was any current character and he wouldn’t be able to dispute it because there are so many characters now we’ve pretty much renamed Game of Thrones: “Wait.  Who is that?  Is that girl new?  What’s happening again?  Are you sure we’re even watching the right show?”  

(And also, I sort of look like Maester Luwin but without the necklace, or the penis.)

 Then Victor was like “I can’t believe you spent money on burlap.  Long-sleeved burlap.” and I was like, “THE LONGEST SLEEVES.  SLEEVES FOR DAYS!” and he said “This is Texas.  You’re going to get heatstroke” and I stared at him and whispered, huskily: 

Winter is coming.”  

Then he shook his head at my idiocy and I smiled and reminded him that “Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”  Or at least that’s what I’d like to say happened, but I can never think of the right quotes to use at the time and I was distracted because Ferris Mewler started chasing after my sleeves because he thought they were cat toys and he was hanging off the end of one while I tried to shake him loose, screaming: “MY DIREWOLF HAS BETRAYED ME” and then Victor just walked away.

Hailey, on the other hand, loved my costume and decided we should match and I explained I was dressed like a non-existent character from a book about bad-ass warriors and dragons and danger, so she picked out a Viking Guard costume because she thought it would be a good fit with mine.  (We also created a very complicated back-story for each of our characters but I can’t write it all here because I don’t know how litigious George R.R. Martin is.)

Anyway, Hailey’s costume came in last week and Victor said, “Cool.  Are you supposed to be a Norse Warrior?” and she was like, “Nope.  I’m Game of Thrones.”

haileywarrior

She comes by it naturally.

Happy Halloween, y’all.

warriorhailey

Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast and it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.

Last night I got drunk and showed my extra fancy vagina on a live webcast, but it was very tasteful and probably safe-for-work.  Also educational.  Maybe.

Long story short, I got asked to substitute for Veronica Belmont who couldn’t make it to this month’s Vaginal Fantasy Book Club (a monthly live-streamed web series where Veronica, Felicia Day, Bonnie Burton and Kiala Kazebee discuss and dissect smut while getting progressively drunker each minute) and I was super excited because I got to hang out with some of the most amazing women ever while never having to leave my house.

Minutes before the show I announced on twitter that I may have taken the “Vaginal Fantasy” too literally because my costume included my extra fancy vagina and suddenly Veronica was like “I’M HERE. I CAN MAKE IT AFTER ALL” and I’m not sure if that’s because she wanted to protect the world from my vagina, or just wanted to see it herself but it either way, it all worked out.

If you’re bored you should plug in your headphones and watch during lunch because it’s like hanging out with friends you don’t even have to talk to.  It’s also funnier if you’re drunk, so take a drink whenever we do.

Related:  People asked to see the whole outfit.  It’s inspired by Miss Kitty and it’s super twirly.  The vagina fascinator is a wondrous vulva puppet I stapled onto a headband.

miss kitty

Unrelated: We are still working on the Commandments of our new religion so you need to add them here so we can make an official scroll or something.  Also, “Commandments” sounds bossy so we need to rethink phraseology too.  Maybe “Suggestions to keep the world from being an asshole” or “Hints from Heloise”?  I think that last one may already be taken.

Also, someone asked if it was sacrilegious to start a new organized religion and no, it’s not, because this is the opposite of organized religion.  If anything, it’s disorganized religion, and it works as a tasty condiment to whatever you already are now.  It’s like the ketchup of religions.

PS.  Someone is going to say that I should have said that The Church of Bloggessianism is the gravy of religions since one of our basic tenets is “More gravy for everyone”, but gravy is not a condiment.  Gravy is a way of life.  Stop underestimating gravy.

 

You can call me “Spatula” for short.

Did you read my post about Victor always being wrong even though he’s mostly right, and the internet’s enthusiasm in enabling me in what’s probably a very unhealthy but also fantastic way?  If so, then you’ll realize why this is so awesome.

According to wikipedia, this is all accurate and the changes were listed under the category of “Truthfulness“.  (Click on the picture to super-size.)

wikipedia bloggess oct 2014

A few highlights:

  • My name is now: Jennifer Juanita Spatula Jezebel Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out Lawson
  • Under the category of “children” it lists two: “1 daughter, 1 husband”.
  • My religion is “Bloggessianism” and I was born in “Time” and “Space”
  • New facts:  1)  “In arguments and discussions with her husband, Victor, she is right and he is wrong.”  2)  “She also owns a chicken.”

Several people have said they misread my spouse as “Victim” rather than “Victor” and frankly that seems fair because Victor is a tremendous good sport considering the ridiculousness I involuntarily drag him into.  In fact, he told me he agreed completely with all of the “Victor is wrong” websites, but I’m pretty sure he just did that because if Victor is right about always being wrong then that must be wrong which means that Victor is right and wrong at the same time and I’m pretty sure that creates some sort of paradox and now we’ll be sucked into a wormhole.  

And that just seems wrong.  

Full circle, you guys.

PS.  I sort of like that “Bloggessianism” is listed as a religion because now when people try to give me pamphlets about their religion I can just give them back my own pamphlets.  My only problem is that I don’t really know anything about Bloggessianism so it’s going to be a very small pamphlet unless we come up with shit to go in there.  I’m just spitballing here so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

Some basic tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed.  We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well.  This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc.  (FYI…today is National Chocolate Day so if you’re at work you need to leave right now and go make some s’mores for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it.  Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Someone needs to make an official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you.  Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)