I don’t make a very good monk. For several reasons probably.

So, I’ve read that monks say that to achieve happiness you have to perfect the art of living in the moment. They say, “Don’t wait.  Don’t think of the future or the past. Be completely in the moment.”

As much as I’ve tried, I can never master this because I’m perpetually worried about the future, but technically even when I am thinking of the future I’m still in the present moment even though that particular moment is a moment when I’m obsessing about the future. I’m not sure if this means I’d make a very bad monk, or if it makes me a very talented monk who is just really good at multitasking.

**********

And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by How To Not Get Screwed.  It’s not a sex book.  It’s about moving, which is good because summer is when most people move and also it’s when you’re very likely to get screwed and that’s when this comes in handy.  Spot a scummy real estate agent, call them out on their underhanded bullshit, everything you need to know about buying or selling a home.  You should check it out here.

I can’t tell if this happened because I have a medical issue or because I’m just really lazy.

Yesterday I went to pick up my meds and while I was there I handed the pharmacist my prescription for my ADD medication and she was like “Sorry, I can’t fill this one.  We can only fill prescriptions within 21 days of them being written” and I guess I can understand that but I’ve been walking around with this prescription for a month because I’m not really focused enough to remember to refill my meds if I’m out of my ADD meds and the pharmacist was like, “Yes, but you’ll still have to get a new one” and that sucks because first of all, the fact that I’m making my meds last long enough that my next prescription expired proves that I’m not abusing them or selling them on the street, so if anything I should be rewarded by getting more drugs.  Plus, now I have to make an appointment to see my shrink to get another prescription and I’ll have to tell her I kept getting too distracted to fill the prescription that I insisted that I needed because my ADD was making me too distracted.

But technically she already knows I’m irresponsible and have ADD so really it’ll probably just make her happier that she’s doing an excellent job diagnosing me.

Although she’s not really doing that great if she actually expected that I was going to fill my prescription myself within a normal time limit.  I suspect it’s a test and I failed it.  Or she did.  Maybe we did as a team.  I’m not good at evaluating right now because I’m low on ADD meds.

Someone please make an appointment for me with my shrink.  And remind me to get her to call in my meds this time.  And then take me to the pharmacist to get my meds before they call me with that ” YOUR PRESCRIPTION HAS BEEN READY FOR WEEKS AND IF YOU DON’T PICK IT UP SOON WE’LL RESTOCK IT.  YOU ARE WASTING OUR TIME” message.  And then bring me a cheesecake.  And take me to the post office.  And make me drink more water.

Jesus.  I need a babysitter.  For me.

I blame the meds.  Or lack thereof.

PS.  I don’t have a graphic to go with this post so instead I’ll show you the business cards I made for myself.

furiouslyhappycards2Please note that I forgot to put my name on them or a website or even what FURIOUSLY HAPPY is.  I think it’s pretty obvious I made them without the benefit of drugs.  Or possibly it seems more obvious that I am on drugs if I made business cards with Rory’s taxidermied raccoon face on them.  Depends on the kind of drugs, I guess.  But!  You can do this with them:

furiouslyhappycards3

They would come in much more handy if I ever left the house long enough to give out business cards, but at least I have some now, so…you know…baby steps.

 

Turning into a cat lady. Literally.

So, my friend sent me a picture of me with cats all over my head and it turns out that there’s an app that lets you paste cat’s faces over any flaws you want to hide.  I find it very helpful because I can hide my face and add some text and then use it to send angry messages to people I don’t like.

Here are a few of my favorites:

catface1

bloggesscatface 2

catface3

Related: Victor says this is all a bit creepy and would like me to stop texting him unsettling cat pictures.  Too late, Victor.  I can’t be stopped now.

catface

PS.That last one was a bit creepy even for me.  Sorry about that.

There is no wrong way to eat brownies. But there are definitely righter ways.

I’m fairly sure the entire world can be divided into two groups.  Those who like the crunchy edges of the brownies, or normal people who start eating brownies from the center even though their husbands yell at them for making a hole in the brownies.  Technically every brownie you take makes a hole in the brownies, Victor.  Victor disagrees.  Time for a survey.

**********

And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

Fabulous graphic by @wedrawtweets

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Zombie Dice.  My sister brought this over last week and we played until everyone was dead.  I highly recommend.  (Not the “everyone dying” part.  The playing family games together part.)

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely Marysol James, author of 18 steamy, sexy, slinky contemporary romance books, including the Amazon best selling ‘Unseen Enemy’ and ‘Dangerous Curves’ series. Marysol’s stories are explicitly sensual (very!) and offer smart plots, a bit of humor and lots of character development, so her romance books appeal to readers who want emotional connection as well as sexuality. She also tackles tougher topics such as illness, alcoholism and abuse – but she believes in Happily Ever Afters and makes sure her couples always end up together, despite the odds.  You should check her out here.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to just have to be aware of mental health one month a year?

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month so some people expect me to write about mental health, except that if you read here you’re already perfectly aware that I’m mentally ill so this feels a bit pointless.  But what if we change the game a little?

Share with me.  In the comments, or on your own platform, or both.  Almost everyone will battle mental illness or will be impacted in the struggle to help a loved one with their mental illness, so “awareness” isn’t really the issue for me.  Cures, support, feedback, tools that work...those are the things we reach for in the dark.  So let’s share…

How has mental illness affected you personally?  What did you learn from it that might help others?

I’ll start.

How has mental illness affected me personally:  I have a host of issues but I’m most affected by Avoidant Personality Disorder which is like anxiety disorder on speed.  It’s scary to talk about.  When I tell people I have a personality disorder they try to convince me that I don’t.  This is not helpful.  It’s perfectly well-meaning but it’s like saying “You couldn’t possibly have anything so terrible as that” when in fact, I do.  And lots of other people do too but they don’t say it out loud because they’re afraid of how they’ll be perceived.  Then it becomes even harder to say it because everyone else is too afraid to say it (with just cause) and I can’t even blame them because being afraid to admit you have a personality disorder whose main symptom is crippling fear is a catch-22 and pretty fucked up.  It’s like having to raise your hand to ask for help in attaching your prosthetic arms.

What did I learn from it that might help others:  I’ve learned I’m not alone even when I feel completely isolated and like a failure.  I’ve learned that depression lies.  I’ve learned that when I’m not affected by my fucked-up brain chemistry I can see that my brain is not to be trusted so I write notes to myself when I’m out of the hole to remind myself that I’ll be okay again soon.  I get sun.  I take meds and therapy.  I laugh loudly and often when I’m out of the hole because I know the importance of appreciating the good and the joy when it comes.  I let myself be sad when I need to be.  I watch ridiculous tv and listen to happy songs.  I practice creating an invisible mental barrier around my body when I feel overwhelmed by other people’s energy.  I call the suicide hotline if things get bad.  I donate to suicide hotlines when I can.  I allow myself to say no.  I reach out on the internet because I can find friends to talk to or to inspire me who understand when I’m too afraid to even pick up a phone.  I find a family member to help me when I think I need extra supervision.  I thank people who help save me.  I try to save them back.  I hide in blanket forts with my cats and a collection of funny books or kick-ass comics.  I share what helps.  I learn from others.

I apply kittens directly to problem areas.
bloggesshuntersthomcat

Your turn.

PS.  This is my playlist that keeps me upright when my head is full of marbles.  Feel free to share your own.

Still alive.

The floodwaters are receding in our area and we’re still alive.  Aside from some minor outside damage and a door that battled more water than it was meant to we’re in really good shape compared to other people in our area (here’s a good link if you need help or want to give help) so we’re considering ourselves extremely lucky.

Of course, since most of the damage happened outside that also means a lot of animal displacement (which might explain the mountain lion on my street a few days ago) so we’ve been spending a lot of time sweeping doodle-bugs and the occasional frog outside, but this morning things got a little more intense when Victor and I were driving home after dropping Hailey at school and I saw something in the road.  Something that looked like a bunch of displaced ducklings that needed me to take them home with me so they could live in my bathtub.

LET ME PICK YOU UP.

LET ME HELP YOU.

I jumped out of the car to make sure they weren’t going to get run over and that’s when I remembered that I was still wearing my pajamas and no shoes and I was chasing ducklings down an active roadway while trying to convince them that I’d be their new mommy.

Then they ran away and I kept chasing them while Victor used the truck to block people from running over his stupid wife and some ducklings and that’s when I looked into the intersection and saw a distraught-looking mom with a shit-ton of other ducklings.

This duck mom = how I looked at DisneyLand.

This duck mom = how I looked at DisneyLand.

So I gave up on the bathtub companions and instead wrangled the stray babies toward the rest of the group.  Then I saw that a car was coming quick down the other lane that all the ducklings were running into so I stood in the middle of that road to direct traffic in my bare feet and pajamas as a dozen baby ducks moseyed lazily toward the lake.

RUNNING.

RUNNING!  WE’RE RUNNING!

So what I’m saying is that this morning I saved a dozen tiny lives before I’d even taken off my pajamas.  And that’s why I’m getting back into bed.  Because I deserve it.  And I’m already dressed for it.

I AM NAILING THIS DAY.

Texas is trying to kill us.

The last 24 hours have been weird and so I don’t have time to write a full post because I’m too busy building a basement to hide in so instead I’ll just share my tweets from last night:

Not sure if that was a mountain lion or an enormous yellow lab chasing that deer but we’ll be discontinuing our twilight dog walks for now.

Related: Screaming “RUN TO THE HOUSE” at your kid while waving your arms to appear larger will make your neighbors run in their houses too.

Texas wildlife is unsettling. 2 months ago Dorothy Barker and I were out at night & a howler monkey screamed at me & I almost shit myself.

…And Victor was all “THERE ARE NO HOWLER MONKEYS IN TEXAS” and I was like “I KNOW WHAT A HOWLER MONKEY SOUNDS LIKE, VICTOR.”

But apparently I don’t because later I found out it was a fox screaming.

But there’s a primate sanctuary for retired entertainment monkeys close to our house so it wasn’t ENTIRELY unlikely that I was wrong.

Or maybe it was a fox screaming because she saw a howler monkey. I don’t know. I’m not a nature expert.

Then last night we had bad storms come through and kept losing power but this morning it looked fine except for a few downed limbs but I was still freaked out about the possible cougar that might just be a dog/monkey/large squirrel so Hailey and I decided to take Dorothy Barker to the park to run around, but on the way we ran into this:

"So, we'll just turn around, huh?"

Worst. Waterslide. Ever.

First cougars.  Now floods.  I can only assume the plague of locusts are on their way.  Possibly they’re swimming.  Hard to tell with locusts.

UPDATED: I’ve just been informed that raining frogs comes before the plague of locusts.  Then the squirrelpocolypse.  Then zombies.  Then zombie squirrels riding mountain lions covered in locusts.

Be careful out there, y’all.

UPDATED AGAIN:  Apparently I’m the second person in my subdivision to see a mountain lion this week.  Fuck this.  I’m just going to make a dog park in the living room.

**********

And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the lovely folks at Blue Lizard.  Blue Lizard originated in Australia, where standards for sunscreen are the highest in the world. Using only the highest quality ingredients, Blue Lizard delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation and is is ranked as one of the top sunscreens by the Environmental Working Group.  Blue Lizard offers an array of products for every skin type and outdoor need and is highly recommended by dermatologists and moms everywhere.  You can use P20BLOGG for 20% off all orders over $35 at www.bluelizard.net.

WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.

So last night I couldn’t sleep so I became the President. Hang on. Let me share the events as they unfolded, live:

[View the story “I am the best President Canada has ever had.” on Storify]

(I can’t figure out how to make the whole story appear here so you have to click on the above link and then come back to read the rest.  Sorry.)

You may be asking yourself, how did this happen?  Was it because America needed a hero?  Maybe.  Was it because I’d been drinking?  Slightly more probable.  Was it because of my socks?  In a word? Fuck yes.  Technically that’s two words but when you’re the President you’re no longer limited to the surly demands of math and logic.

You might be thinking I’m insane but LOOK AT THESE FUCKING SOCKS I BOUGHT:

WHO'S INSANE NOW?

WHO’S INSANE NOW?

And a good President shares her booty with her people so I’m giving you ALL magical socks.  And by “all” I mean “three of you” because I can’t buy socks for everyone.  Money and socks don’t grow on trees, y’all.  At least not until I get the scientists of New Canada working on that.  Want some socks?  Leave a comment with a suggestion of my next presidential decree and I’ll randomly pick three of you to get socks.  Unless the scientists make a sudden breakthrough on the sock-tree thing.  Then it’s socks for everyone.

My favorite is "Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass."

My favorite is “Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass.”

PS.  I’m going to need a cabinet.  Then I’m going to need to fill it with liquor.  Then I’m going to need the other kind of cabinet.  The political type.  And I think it’s only fair that it be filled by you.  Pick a title.  Secretary of Cat Wrangling.  Ministry of Bacon Variants.  Or if you can’t think of one just get assigned one from the Random Title Generator for the Church of Bloggessianism.

PPS.  I just noticed that Wikipedia has removed the Church of Bloggessianism as a religion, which is fine but I really don’t appreciate your tone, mister.

You could have made your point without the "obviously."

“Obviously invented.”  Pretty sure all religions are technically “invented”, but whatever.

This aggression will not stand.  Or it will stand if I get distracted, which is very possible because I forgot to refill my ADD meds again.

PPPS.  I forgot to announce the winner on my  book tour post so I’m doing it here. ManicMom, check your email.

PPPPS.  Victor is actually in Canada right now for a workshop.  He just texted me:

peameal bacon He has not responded.

PPPPPS.  I just looked up “peameal bacon” and apparently it’s back bacon rolled in cornmeal.  There are no peas in it at all.  Even spellcheck was like “Nope.  That’s not real.”  WTF, Old Canada?  How are you doing everything else so well but fucking up so hard on bacon?  It’s fine.  I’m here now.  Let’s get to work.

To missing friends. The ones lost. The ones in hiding.

Tonight I miss people.  I miss friends who I’ve lost.  I miss friends who still exist, but are too terrified of life to say hello.  I understand it.  I miss me too when I go missing.  But I’m still here – deep down- under the shell that protects me when life gets too rough.  I’m still here when my head tries to tell me I’m nothing.  I’m still here under it all.  And you’re here too.

You’re here even if you think no one would know if you were gone.  You’re here in the hearts of people you would never suspect you had impacted.  You’re here in memory and in reality and in the echo of every person you ever touched and taught.  You are magnified in ways you never knew.

Many years ago Victor took me to a tropical island.  It was a dark time for me and a reminder that you don’t get to pick the times when parts of you go missing.  It rained more than it didn’t.  My anxiety and depression magnified.  I got sick and I ended up in the hospital in another country.   When I think back to those days I have dark memories with a few bright spots.  I remember standing in the pouring rain, looking out into the horizon.  I took a picture because I knew I wasn’t me enough to appreciate it at the time.

I found that picture again tonight.

throughtherain

It’s beautiful.  And dark.  And if you look through the rain you’ll see that it’s amazing.  You just have to have the right eyes.

You have to learn to see what’s hidden beneath.

You have to remember that we are so much more than our broken minds sometimes recognize.

I see you.  I remember you.  You echo in me.  I miss you.  But you are not missing.  You are here.

You are fantastic and I would live under a bridge with you.

It’s been a rough week but if you’re reading this it means you’re still alive.  Or that you have very good internet reception in the afterlife.  Either way, this calls for a small celebration:

highfive

It’s the small things, y’all.

*******

And now, our weekly wrap-up.  Buckle-up, Buttercup.

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by a book you should check out:  Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor by Alyson Herzig & Jessica Azar.  One in four people suffer from mental illness and this book aims to break that stigma with tales of hope, despair and hilarity by writers walking their own mental health journey as they discuss their experiences with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, anorexia, agoraphobia, panic disorder and more.   I ordered several copies because it’s right up my alley and probably yours.  Bonus: They lowered the price this month in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month.  Buy it here.