If it’s whatever day this is I must be sick.

Today I planned on going over all the craziness of the book tour but I’m postponing for a bit because I’ve come down with a mild case of I-HAVE-THE-PLAGUE-AND-I’M-GOING-TO-DIE.  And I asked Victor to feel my head to see if I have a fever and he was like, “Ew.  No.  Why do you always ask me to touch you when you’re sick?  People like you are the reason why typhoid spread so far” and I was like, “OMG, you are totally over-reacting.  But also, does my urine taste weird?” and then the people behind us at the taco shop moved to another table and that’s how you get privacy.  And also maybe typhoid.

PS. YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds is #2 on the NYT bestseller list.  WHAT.  You did that, y’all.

“I’M NUMBER TWO!” ~ Things I didn’t think I’d scream excitedly in front of strangers until this happened.

PPS.  If you want a signed copy and couldn’t make it to a signing then you can go to Book People’s website and order one.  I’ll drop by and sign books as soon as the plague has passed.  Just write what you want me to personalize in the comment section of their website at checkout.  They ship everywhere.  (And I’ll sign any of my other books too.  Your wish = my command.  Unless your wish is for me to stop asking you to feel my head when I’m sick.  Sorry.  That’s what you signed up for, Victor.)

If it’s Monday this must be California.

Today is the sixth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in La Jolla, California!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7:30 pm at Warwick’s.

Next stop?  HOME!

Thanks for being with me through this whole tour!

If it’s Thursday this must be New York.

Today is the sixth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in New York!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7pm at Housing Works.

Next stop?  California!

If it’s Wednesday this must be Pennsylvania.

Today is the fifth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Philadelphia!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7pm at Barnes & Noble.

Next stop?  New York City!

If it’s Monday this must be Kentucky.

Today is the fourth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Louisville, Kentucky.  They can’t fit us all in the bookstore so it’s going to be at the Tim Faulkner Gallery.  There is a ticket fee since they have to rent a gallery.  Click here for info.

Come see me.  Please?

It’s 7pm at Tim Faulkner Gallery.

Next stop?  Pennsylvania!

If it’s Saturday this must be North Carolina.

Today is the third stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Someone told me there’s an entire center just for lemurs nearby.  I’m not sure if it’s a delivery service but if it is I will totally be ordering a medicinal service lemur for the night.

Come see me.  BYOL. (Bring Your Own Lemur.)

This afternoon at 3pm at Quail Ridge Books.

Next stop?  Kentucky!

If it’s Friday this must be New Orleans.

Today is the second stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in New Orleans, home of ghosts and boobies and probably ghost boobies.

Come see me.  Bring your ghost boobies.

Come?  Please?

Tonight at 6 at Garden District Book Shop.

Next stop?  North Carolina!

Want a signed copy of YOU ARE HERE?

Last night was the first stop on the YOU ARE HERE book tour and it was amazing!  Thanks so much if you came out.  It was terrifying until I looked out at a sea of people who looked equally terrified and then we all laughed and it was awesome.

I asked everyone to take a picture of themselves cradling an invisible baby raccoon and they were like, “You’re weird but we support you.”

Also, I signed an extra 100 copies of YOU ARE HERE at BookPeople in Austin and they will ship them anywhere so if you can’t make it on a stop and you want a signed copy you can get one while they last here.  Just type in “SIGNED COPY” in the comments field during checkout.


Next stop, New Orleans!

If it’s Wednesday this must be Austin

Today is the first day of my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds.  AAAAAHHHHHH!  That was my scream of excitement mixed with abject terror.

I’m in Austin.  Are you in Austin?  Let’s be in Austin together.

Come?  Please?

Tonight at 7 at BookPeople.

Next stop?  New Orleans!

How to color outside the lines.

Hi.  I’m terrified.

I’m always slightly terrified because my anxiety disorder is a real asshole but it suddenly occurred to me that my book tour starts in a few days and I’ll be on the road for two weeks and this is always such a mix of amazingness and dread and fear and exhilaration, and I know I’ll get through it but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m literally shaking with anxiety right now.  I don’t have a joke here.  Just being honest.

It’s ironic that so many people use coloring as a tool to fight anxiety and I’m touring with what is essentially a coloring book (with lots of words in it) but I don’t really color.  Drawing is what I do to keep my hands from destroying myself so I haven’t actually colored any of the drawings in my own book because to me it looks done already.  But people are starting to get their copies of YOU ARE HERE early and they’re sharing their work online and now I’m seeing such amazing images as my drawings are reimagined with color and now I get it.

I started coloring an image I made last year that didn’t make it into the book and I’m finally finishing it but I suspect I’m missing out on the right tools and techniques so I’m sharing what I do here so you can tell me what I’m doing wrong.

First off, here’s the drawing I made if you want to print and color it yourself.  Just click on it to embiggen.



This is what it looked like halfway through.  Then I fucked it up and ran out of ink so I walked away for awhile.


But then I realized that I could blend the colors I had left and make it all rainbowy and shit.  (“All rainbowy and shit” = technical artistic terminology.)  So I did.  And when I accidentally smudged stuff I just got out a marker and incorporated it into the drawing. And when I went outside the lines I just made it look like it was supposed to look like that.  And it worked.  Kind of.  From a distance.

Long story short, I get why people color now.  But I enjoy it much more after learning from my mistakes.  And after a booze slushie.  So if you are new to coloring I will give you my few hints:

  1. You don’t have to color it.  You can just leave it black and white.  DONE.  You are the fastest colorer ever.
  2. I used two different kinds of pencils.  I used Ohuhu pencils for the light colors because they’re inexpensive.  I used watercolor pencils to get the really vivid colors.  You can color and then use a damp brush to activate the colors but personally I just dip the pencil in water and color with the wet pencil because it gives me more control.
  3. I used gel pens to color over stuff I’ve messed up on because they work like paint.  Plus THEY HAVE GLITTER IN THEM.  I used these because they’re cheaper but these are really nice if you have extra cash to spend.
  4. When the cat would head-butt me with his face while I was drawing I’d use white gel pens to color over the mess.  It’s like white-out but in a pen.
  5. If you want to color but don’t really want to color then get a gold sharpie and just add some spot color where you want.  Classy, lazy and elegant all at the same time.

Your turn.  Share your hints or your drawings.  And use the #youarehere hashtag so I can find your pictures online when you get your copy of my book?

I’ll be in Austin on Wednesday and then on from there.  Click here for the tour info.  Come see me.  Pretty please?