Haunted dollhouse, part 4

ONE DAY UNTIL HALLOWEEN.  And three rooms left to show you of my miniature haunted dollhouse.  If this all seems confusing go to this link to see all of the haunted dollhouse posts.

I was going to show my favorite room today but I’m still working on a piece so instead I’ll show you that tomorrow.  Instead, today I’ll show you the attic and the rooftop conservatory.  Ready?

The attic:

Click to embiggen.

The dollhouse in the back is the exact replica of this dollhouse. It’s one of my favorite things.

The conservatory:

I was going to list all of the horror/fantasy references in these rooms but actually I sort of love watching you guys identify them because then I feel like slightly less of a freak for this obsession.

A few videos for a closer look.

Haunted dollhouse countdown. The attic and conservatory.

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Haunted dollhouse. The roof. Tomorrow? We explore the third floor.

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Recognize anything?

It runs in the family.

Victor told me that my sister sent us an email so I read it and it began with:  “OH SHIT.  TAKE CARE OF THIS BITCH RIGHT NOW BEFORE I CUT HER FACE OFF,” and I said to Victor, “Jesus.  Well, clearly she’s overreacting” but then I read the rest of the email and I was like, “WTF.  I AM GOING TO CUT THIS BITCH’S FACE OFF.” And then Victor shrugged and said it was good that my sister and I were terrible at follow-through because he couldn’t afford bail money for both of us and I was going to argue with him but then I got distracted and forgot what we were talking about.

So I probably won’t cut anyone’s face off but I will say that if you ever get a sales pitch from someone using my words to sell you some expensive plagiarized mental illness cure-all workshop or bullshit video please do your research and look up the name of the company followed by the word “scam” before even thinking about reaching for your wallet or sharing it with others.  In fact, you should probably do that with everything you’re considering paying for.

I’m not including names here because I don’t want them getting free press and I already have people working on getting it removed so it’ll be fine.  I have people plagiarize my stuff or use it uncredited all damn the time and it’s frustrating but part of being a writer.  Having my plagiarized words used to get money from people dealing with mental illness though is just infuriating and I want to bite everything. Just please be aware that there are a lot of great places out there to help with anxiety and depression, but there are also some sleazy assholes that will take advantage of you for cash.

PS.  I don’t have a good graphic for this so instead here’s a series of gifs representing my sister and me today:

Her:

me:

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her:

me:

Her:

me:

Her:

me:

Both of us:

Neither of us but I like the gif:

Updated: Just an FYI…I’m getting DM’s from people who are worried that they’ve shared some of my quotes on their blogs.  Dude, if you quoted me on your blog and attribute the quote to me that is awesome and wonderful and I love it.  This person took paragraphs from Furiously Happy and rewrote it to take credit for it (including changing my name to theirs) to convince people to buy their anti-anxiety video.  Which is giving me anxiety.  And now it’s giving other people anxiety.  It’s like The Ring but with slightly less murders.

Haunted dollhouse, part 3

Building up to Halloween I’ve been revealing room in my horror/fantasy inspired dollhouse.  If you missed the first ones then start here to see the kitchen and casting room and then go here for the tarot card room.  Today I’m showing you the study and the secret room and then we’ll be halfway through.

It’s still unfinished so ignore the rough edges.

Click to embiggen

Behind the potions cabinet is a secret door. (Don’t blink.)

I added five new things to this room this week from your suggestions, including the yellow wallpaper in the secret room.  I’m not sure I got the smear quite right.  Please keep the suggestions coming because they are brilliant.  10 points to whoever can identify all the allusions in this room.

PS. A video of with the door open and another with the door closed:

Haunted dollhouse, part 3.

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Haunted dollhouse, part 2.

Yesterday I shared the first room of my haunted dollhouse and you gave me some INCREDIBLE ideas I’m working on, so keep them coming.  Today I’m showing you the tarot card room.

Click to embiggen

PS.  I made the Babadook book last night and it isn’t perfect but since the original wasn’t either I’m giving myself time to warm up to it.

Day two. Room 2. The haunted dollhouse tour continues.

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Haunted dollhouse…an update. Part 1.

I’ve been working on building a haunted dollhouse for like 14 years.  The dollhouse itself took more than a year and I’ve been adding furniture and such ever since.  It’s an homage to all the horror and fantasy books and movies that I’ve loved and at this point I’ve lost track of all the allusions, but I was thinking that since it’s almost Halloween I’d show you a few shot of the house this week:  All I have is my phone so the photos are a bit shitty.  Sorry.

Today, the bottom floor.

Click to enlarge.

Want to help?  Tell me your favorite horror/fantasy book or movie.  I need inspiration.

More to come.  Hopefully I can find my real camera so the shots aren’t so crappy.

My haunted dollhouse. The lowest floor.

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If everyone is bullied then who are the bullies? Answer: Us. I guess?

This week Hailey went to a bullying workshop at her martial arts school and I sat through it and agreed with most of what was said, except that it was missing the one thing that all bullying talks seem to miss.

They get that most people will be bullied in their lives but you almost never see them point out that almost all of us will bully others ourselves.  We talk about it like bullies are these horrible hobgoblins creeping around in corners because it’s easy to forget that we are the bullies.  We all have the capacity to be cruel and horrible.  Sometimes it’s because we’re young and stupid and scared.  Sometimes it’s because we think we’re doing something noble or brave.  Sometimes we’re screaming terrible things at people, but really we’re screaming those things at the ghosts that haunt us.  And those people scream back.  At us, and at their own invisible ghosts standing in front of us.  Sometimes it’s done inadvertently.  So much so that we don’t even recognize it.  We don’t see that we step on the small tender pieces of others.  We don’t recognize how unaware others are that they are stepping on us.  We fight back because we have to stand up for ourselves and for others.  We fight back at others because others are fighting back at us.

When Hailey comes home from school she sometimes tells me awful stories about kids being horrible and I try to help her.  I tell her middle schoolers are a bunch of assholes.  I tell her it’s good practice to ignore them because people are assholes all over.  I help her with the ones she can’t handle on her own.  But I do one thing that I hope other parents do as well.  I remind her how easy it is be horrible ourselves.  I tell her to be mindful of others.  I tell her to be kind.  And that is not always easy, as evidenced by the fact that my first response is to call middle schoolers “a bunch of assholes.”

Hailey found the bully seminar helpful though and was telling Victor about a few of the things she’d learned, like when you see a kid just about to get pummeled you can go up to that kid and say, “Hey, the principal told me to come get you.”  That way you remove the kid from the situation and you have a reason to leave too.  And they taught about how to protect your head in a fight, or how to deescalate it.  And Victor said that all sounded good but if someone was pushing him around in middle school he’d just say, “Hey.  You ever see a donkey-faced person get kicked in the mouth?” and I was like, “THAT’S TOTALLY NOT WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO” and Victor was like, “I didn’t say you should actually kick them in the face.  Just…you know...ask the question.  It’s not illegal to ask questions.”  And Hailey was like, “Yeah.  That sounds like a good way to get sent to the principal’s office,” but Victor was all, “Well, if your principal calls me in I’ll say, ‘Hey.  You ever see a donkey-faced principal get kicked in the mouth?'” and then I yelled, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  YOU ARE A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE,” and he shrugged and said, “I’m just asking an innocent question.  I really want to know‘.”  And then we had to leave Red Lobster because I was yelling too loudly and Hailey couldn’t stop laughing.

I sort of lost track of this blog post but I think the main point is that you should be kind.  And tell your kids to not be assholes.  And don’t have loud disagreements at Red Lobster because they’re really sensitive about that shit.

I don’t have a good image for this post so here’s an angry otter:

UPDATED: I have become what I have sneered at.

Remember last month when I wrote about Amazon recommending a ridiculous astronaut baby carrier to take your cats for walk in and they were like, “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE THIS, WIERDO” and I was a little offended?

And then I looked at it again and was like, “Fuck.  I TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE THIS.”  And so I bought it because that’s what happens when I have insomnia at 3am.

And today I’m reviewing it for you in case you also bookmarked it during a moment of weakness.

First cat, Ferris Mewler:

me: DO YOU LOVE IT? Ferris: This is mortifying for both of us.   Don’t put this on the internet.  me: Just give it time.  We can go look for squirrels!  Ferris:  I’m fashioning a shank.

Video 1. First cat in space.

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Verdict:  Somewhat perturbed.  Slightly fascinated.  Last time I tried to take him for a walk I used a cat halter and he just flopped over and pretended to be dead even when I dragged him so this was a small improvement.

Second pet. Hunter S. Thomcat:

me: YOU LOVE IT. Hunter: I hate you with the heat of 10,000 suns. me: You sat in the box it came in for an hour. How is this any different? Hunter: So are the holes on the bottom to let my explosive diarrhea out?

Hailey: I don’t think he likes it. me: He’s yawning. Hailey: He’s yawning extremely loudly. me: THESE CATS ARE SO UNGRATEFUL.

Video 2. Second cat. Actively displeased.

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Verdict:  Hunter does not like confined spaces.  Or backpacks.  Or me.

3rd pet, Rolly.

NOT PICTURED

Verdict:  Rolly is our smartest cat and after living with me for ten years she has a sixth sense about when to hide.  I suspect she’ll turn up as soon as I put the backpack away.  We respect her wishes.  But I bet she would have loved it.

4th pet:  Dorothy Barker.

me: So how- Dorothy Barker: I LOVE YOU AND GRASS AND THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IS MAGICAL ALL THE TIME. me: We don’t deserve dogs.

Video 3. The only person happy about the cat backpack.

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Verdict: Totally cool with it.  Which seem like a waste because I can already put Dorothy on a leash and walk her around, but she super freaks out in the car and this enclosed space seemed to weirdly comfort her so at least someone appreciates it.

Conclusion:  This bag will make your neurotic cats more neurotic.  Will make your neurotic dog less neurotic.  Will make your neighbors avoid you.  I say that’s a win.

UPDATED:  The outtakes, as requested:

Video 4. "But how do you get the cat out?" Pretty easily compared to getting the cat in. See video 5.

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Video 5. "How did you get your cat in there?" Not. Easily.

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I think I’m being stalked.

Email from company I’ve never heard of before:  DEAR JEMMY, DON’T MISS OUT ON TODAY’S EXCLUSIVE SPECIALS!

me:  ::Clicks unsubscribe button::

Their website:  To unsubscribe you must go to this webpage to update your email preference.

me:  ::Unchecks the EIGHTEEN types of email notifications that I never signed up for::

Their website: OH NO, JEMMY!  YOU HAVE UNSELECTED ALL EMAILS FROM US!  YOU WILL MISS OUR AMAZEBALLS EXCLUSIVE DEALS!  ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?  PLEASE CONFIRM.

me:  “Miss” is not the word I’d use here.  Or “amazeballs” non-ironically.  ::Clicks the confirm button::

Their website:  We are sure this is a mistake on your part.  We are sending you an email asking you to confirm that you want to unsubscribe.

me: wtf.

Their new email: Jemmy, we don’t want to alarm you but we believe some scoundrel may have hacked into your account to take away your access to our great daily offers.  If this was not you, please ignore.  Your notifications will continue uninterrupted   If it was you please click here to unsubscribe.

me:  ::clicks::

Their website again:  Hello again!   You aren’t attempting to leave us, are you?  We want you to be happy.  Please use the comment box to tell us why you are considering unsubscribing so we can fix these issues and keep you as a customer.

me:  BITCH, ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

Their website:  You entered : “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?”  Thank you for your feedback!  One of our customer service representatives will be contacting you as soon as possible to help!  

me: Is this hell?

Their newest email:  Hello, Jemmy!  This is an automated response confirming your concern of “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW“.  Please do not reply to this automated email.  A representative will be contacting you by email in the next 48 hours for follow-up.  While you’re waiting, be sure to check out today’s exclusive specials!  If you would like to opt out of these emails click UNSUBSCRIBE here.

me: ::Stares at the screen for a full minute.  Clicks “UNSUBSCRIBE”::

Their website:  This account has been locked due to suspicious activity of TRIED TO UNSUBSCRIBE AFTER ALREADY UNSUBSCRIBED.  The original setting of RECEIVE ALL EXCLUSIVE EMAIL OFFERS will be reinstated on this account.  If you believe this is an error please click this link for help.

me: ::Clicks link.  With hammer::

Their website:  Thank you for being a valued customer!  Please check your email for further instructions!  Don’t forget to check out today’s exclusive offers!

Their email:  Dear Jemmy.  You are very persistent!  Just like our desire to give you great exclusive daily deals!  We have so much in common.  We belong together.

me:  ::crying::  Why are you doing this?

Their email:  Dear Jemmy:  Perhaps we weren’t clear.  You can never leave.  We love you.  Check out our exclusive daily offers!  As a valued customer today only we’re offering free shipping  if you click here to authorize access to all of your contacts and social media accounts. 

me:  WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?  NO.  MY NAME ISN’T EVEN JEMMY.  IT’S JENNY.  

Their email:    Your name has been updated in our system.  Thank you for being a team player, Jelly!  Enclosed is your coupon code for free shipping.  Offer is only valid last year on chainsaws that have been recalled for safety reasons.  Be sure to check out our exclusive daily deals!  Please note that your access to email and social media accounts has been locked for 24 hours as there seems to be someone masquerading as you trying to unsubscribe to your account.  Your safety is our priority.

My Facebook status: CLICK THIS LINK TO CHECK OUT THE FANTASTIC OFFERINGS FROM THIS AWESOME SHOP!  YOU WON’T TOTALLY PROBABLY WON’T REGRET IT!  BE SURE TO SIGN UP FOR EMAILS BECAUSE THEIR EXCLUSIVE DAILY DEALS ARE AMAZEBALLS!   LOVE, JELLY.

*end scene*

PS.  It is shocking how little of this is hyperbole.

Hello. Dog here.

Victor told me to look at the drive-thru window of our local burger joint and I didn’t get why until I suddenly saw it and then I couldn’t stop laughing.

And I said in a deep doggie voice, “Hello!  I would like ten orders of NO NO BUCKLEY DROP IT RIGHT NOW THAT IS NOT YOURS DO NOT HIDE THAT UNDER THE BED AGAIN BUCKLEY WHAT THE FUCK BUCKLEY YOU ARE THE WORST.  No onions.”

And Victor was like, “Wait, what?” and I explained that that’s how dogs would order hamburgers because they don’t know the real words for them and Victor was like, “But why are they hiding under the bed?” and I explained that the best place to hide food is under the bed because your angry owner can’t reach you while you’re desperately scarfing it down and also because if you want animal crackers in the middle of the night you can just reach under the mattress and not disturb anyone and then Victor was like, “Wait, is that why I keep finding cookies under the bed?  WE’RE GOING TO GET ANTS” and I sort of see his point but also ants would never live under our bed because they’d be continually disturbed by our pets guiltily lurking under there with all of the burgers they’ve stolen off our plates.

 

What’s my name again?

I consider myself very lucky that my brand of crazy is recognized so universally that my books have been translated into lots of different languages, and that means I have a whole shelf full of books that I wrote but can’t read a single word of.  It’s a weird mix of feeling very accomplished and also completely stupid at the same time.

I just got this copy, which I think is Ukranian (or Bulgarian, maybe?) and the cover is awesome but which of those words is my name?  It’s a riddle I cannot solve.  If you speak Ukrania (or Bulgarian?) can you help me out?

Help?

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*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Myawesomebeauty.com. A little bit about them: My Awesome Beauty is a website run by beauty addicts that have real experience in the beauty business (formulator, esthetician, beauty advisor etc.) where you will learn how to choose the cosmetics or beauty devices worth your money following specific criteria. The guides and reviews really help because they explain what to look for and what to check, such as the guide about the facial steamers or the guide on microdermabrasion machines for home use.” You should check them out here.