So my friend Maile came to my house to pick me up for lunch and we were a block away when I saw something large and hairy in the back of the pick-up heading toward us, I thought “That is the biggest fucking dog I have ever seen” and then the truck got closer and I thought, “That can’t be a dog. Is that Sasquatch?” And then the pickup passed us and I involuntarily screamed: “WATER BUFFALO!”
And then Maile looked at me with mild confusion (probably because I’d just interrupted her story which had nothing to do with water buffalos) and I said, “DUDE. A FUCKING WATER BUFFALO DRIVE PAST US” and she was like, “Really? I didn’t notice.” And I think that’s a pretty good sign that you’re not paying attention to the road, or that you live in Texas and you’ve learned block shit like that out.
Then Maile said “Do you want me to turn around and follow the water buffalo?” and I said “HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME?” and she nodded and said, “Right. Follow the water buffalo” as she made a quick U-turn. And after a minute I started to worry that maybe there wasn’t a water buffalo at all and that I was having a nervous breakdown, but then we saw it:
I think we need a different sign.
It was far away but we didn’t have a water buffalo in the back so we were able to catch up with the truck and Maile was like “Huh. Why does this stuff happen to you?” and I thought it was probably that I was just really lucky, and then the truck slowed down and I was happy because I’d get a better picture of the water buffalo, but then we got a little too close and I was like “Shit. Slow down. He’s gonna jump.”
Sidenote: Those horns seem very unfortunate. It looks like he’s trying to comb them down into a wig so he can go to the mall without being hassled for being a water buffalo.
And I would have felt really badly if the water buffalo had jumped because I’m not sure Maile is insured for water buffalo car-pounces, but then we realized he was taxidermied.
Then Maile asked “Wait. Are they going to your house? Is this your water buffalo?” and I hesitated for a second because I thought, ‘Had I ordered a water buffalo and just forgotten?’ But then I realized there was no way because I’m pretty sure water buffalo are just big cows and it seems a bit sad to hunt down and taxidermy a cow.
Then I thought, “Maybe this is a water buffalo surprise party and Maile was supposed to lure me out of the house so they could deliver the water buffalo” but that seemed unlikely because Victor is terrible at keeping surprises and also he doesn’t like taxidermy or water buffalos. Turns out it’s my neighbor’s water buffalo.
I don’t have a good way to end this story so I’m just cutting it off there because “Turns out it’s my neighbors water buffalo” is a better ending sentence than “And then we ate some fried chicken and went home.”
PS. I showed the pictures to Victor and it turns out it’s not a water buffalo after all. It’s a musk-ox. I’m not sure the difference, but from the pictures I suspect musk-oxen are just water buffaloes with better shampoo.
UPDATED: I’ve been asked if I’ve made friends with these neighbors and the truth is that I’ve only met a few and the last one uninvited me to a Republican fundraiser when I couldn’t stop laughing and I just handed her a copy of my book to explain why that would be a terrible idea. I was also asked if the faux-stuffalo could be given a saddle and the answer is “YES”. The other answer is that if that was my water-buffalo/musk-ox I would put motorized wheels on it and be riding on it’s back around the neighborhood like mad. It’s like the best golf cart/wheelchair ever.
Frankly, I’m not sure why no one is riding it at the moment and if they were going slower I probably would have hopped on and pretended it was a parade float. It’s like those coin-operated metal horses we used to ride on in front of grocery stores, except with no quarters necessary. It would only be better if it was a *live* water-buffalo/musk-ox that had GPS and a stereo.