You can’t go home again unless you want to get attacked by wild dogs

So yes, I do occasionally kid my hometown about being the capitol of hickville and the cornerstone of weird-shit-happening and yes, you do have to enter into the county knowing that you’re probably going to get a little blood on you but you don’t think it’s going to be your own.  You come to expect things like walking outside your parent’s backdoor and seeing a strange guy in a bloody apron who has strung a big buck up by his hind legs and is digging his hands deep into the deer’s pockets (is “pockets” the word I’m looking for?) like he’s looking for his keys.  (He was actually looking for his gloves.)  And you really aren’t surprised when he yells at your three year old to come help him “undress Mr. Reindeer because that’ll be a hootload of fun!”  And when he tells her she can swing on his skin to help him get it off you’ll already have one arm on her sleeve pulling her back because this is the sort of thing you expect.  (Hint for non-natives of hickville – “This’ll be a hootload of fun” coming from a taxidermist assistant equals “this will cost thousands in therapy” to the rest of the world.)  Personally I prefer to avoid any activity that ends with a stranger offering to “hose the blood off of yee afterwards, mate”.  It’s just a rule I have.   Also, when did my father hire a pirate to do taxidermy?  Weird. 

And just so you know I’m not making this stuff up, here’s a picture of it but for the love of God, skip it because no one needs to see this. 


I warned you.

Anyway, I expect a lot of odd things in a town known for armadillo races, and bobcat urine collections and high school bovine fertility rituals but one thing I did not expect was to be attacked by a pack of wild dogs.  And yes, perhaps technically they weren’t “wild” since they belong to my uncle, and maybe I wasn’t attacked by a pack of  dogs and much as it was one jumpy dog and one bitey dog but I can honestly say that the dog that attacked me was probably infused with radioactive spider juice and had  diesel-fueled vampire fangs and adamantium claws.  Also, he was part bear and his whiskers were made of scorpions.*  Stop laughing.  You think this is funny?!  Well how funny is this:


Not so funny now, huh?

And what about this?:



Anyway, I was going to give you a blow-by-blow of the whole horrific event but the vicodin has just kicked in and I’m feeling all sqwunchy so it’ll have to wait until later.

Please mail me any spare drugs you have.  And, halter tops.  I need lots of halter tops.

*Also he might have been raised by vicious cougars.

96 thoughts on “You can’t go home again unless you want to get attacked by wild dogs

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What the fuck??? Holy Shit, woman. Don’t leave the big city…EVER. AGAIN.

    The understatement of the year is that I am glad you are OK.

  2. Vicoden. Sounds like fun.

    Almost makes me wish I’d actually filled that script for it after I had surgery that one time.

  3. Wow. I’m glad to see you with all of your limbs. I hope you heal up quickly. If there could possibly be a bright side to this situation, maybe the radioactive bite of the dog will give you super bear, scorpion, and furious canine powers. That would be sweet.

  4. okay, dead deer strung up by some guy in a bloody butcher’s apron is one thing. wounds from some crazy-assed dog are another thing entirely! what the hell??!! glad to see you’re okay or, at least, on some really good pain pills, but damn!

    please tell me the dog looks worse!

  5. I wish I’d known you back when I was stranded in Manor, GA at midnight with a bunch of bloody men… It might not have freaked me out so much.

    Bad dog!!! I hope you’re okay. Those bites look nasty. And this is going to sound weird, but I’m glad it was you (and not Hailey). I’d take a bite or two for my son.

  6. Yikes, I think the scariest part of the story is the vicodin. You have to admit…the imprint of the dog mouth on your back is pretty cool, now that you’re on drugs.

  7. Jeebus! See remember when I recommended adding the flame thrower to that fancy chair? I should have mentioned how it really should be carried with you at all time in case of wild dog attacks, celebetard sightings, or GOP fund raisers.

  8. At least it didn’t tear your eyelid in half. Nothing like looking in a mirror when you are 6 or 7 years old and see blood-tears running down your face. The ER docs did a good job and fixing me up. No scars.

    I hate Chows.

  9. Jennaay ! Jennaay ! Jennaay !
    (**meant to sound like Forrest Gump talking**)
    Girl, can you not get a break…no, no don’t go breaking your leg. That’s not what I mean.
    Did someone baste you in bacon grease, or what?
    How are you doing TODAY?
    I’ve had one little nip on my arm, and it stayed really sore for a long time. I can’t imagine this.
    Will go look for some drugs and will FedEx them to you ASAP. 🙂

  10. WOW Jenny,

    You should have let the pirate guy hose ya down after playing in the blood.

    No seriously, i hope you arent in too much pain. I, too, will search for drugs. I think i only have horse tranqs and puppy uppers for when my dog was depressed, hey dont laugh, it happens.

    Feel better soon.

  11. As a girl from her own brand of “Hickville” who has also had many a deer hung in the backyard next to the tire swing…I have to admit I’m just jealous you probably ate venison!

    As for the wild dogs….OMG!! That was some dog attatck. Maybe he should be hung next to the deer 😀

    Hope you are feeling better (soon)!

  12. WOW! that looks really painful! I’m shocked by the bite on your back, I would never have thought they would go for that area. Arms, legs ys but your back/side?! WOW!

  13. Dear Jenny. Holy fucking shit. I knew there was a reason I was afraid of dogs. Actually it’s because i was bit in the eye by a black lab when I was five. But hell, your wounds look painful and I don’t want to ever get the that stage. I hate dogs. Except the nice ones.

  14. Holy crap, that just re-awakened my phobia of being around strange dogs, and I’d just like to say thank you – the next time DH says in a patronizing manner, “The cute little doggie won’t hurt you, Dear”, I’m directing him to this post.

    Get back to Houston quickly, where all you need to worry about are stray bullets and crazy drivers.

  15. My eye skipped to the photo of the deer before I read all the text above it, including the warning. I’m still recovering. Oh my.

  16. Holy crap on wheat toast woman!?!??!?!?!? The deer didn’t phase me at all (I’m part hick) but your bite marks made me cringe.

    I hope you feel better soon and the drugs keep you in good spirits.

  17. Holy Dog Bites Batman!

    Geez Jenny – are you okay? That looks painful.

    Okay – my dad just went elk hunting in Wyoming and he told me he saw all these wild animals….coyotes, bobcat, and came across a wolf. I said, “A wolf, I bet that was kind of scary.”

    He said, “no, the scariest part was when we walked into a den of sleeping wild dogs.”

    Wild dogs in Wyoming? What?

    He said they were a pack of mongrels – mixed blood of Shepherd, Retriever, Wolf, and Coyote….very vicious pack.

    I’ve never even HEARD of this. Wild dogs. – well, you have the bites to prove it.

  18. Yes please, Kyla. Please bring tequila.

    Actually I think it was a german shepherd mix and it hurts like hell but not as bad as I suspect it would to get your eye bitten because WTF?! How often is this happening? Two commenters bitten in the eyeball?! That is an awful trend. I need more vicodin. Also, I’m itchy. Crazily itchy.

  19. I’m just impressed that you still have the presence of mind to suck it in while you have your dog bite pictures taken. Good job.

  20. No way??! I hope your Uncle let the puppy know this was bad bad bad. A good hammer over the head usually works. This looks SO painful!

  21. Yeah, I’m all sorry and shit for your pain but damn, woman, you still manage to look sexy when you are taking “wild freakin’ dog attack” pictures. I think I must hate you now.

    I want to see the looks on your neighbor’s faces back home when you are wandering around in a tube top waiting for that to heal up. mk

  22. Holy crap. Rabies vaccines can be helpful, BTW.

    Also, deer are tasty.

    Also, the picture of you reminds me of a Vermeer painting, but with sweatpants instead of crazy Dutch Renaissance getups. Just sayin’. Although the amount of skin (gasp!) lends the pic more to Gaugin.

    I think I need to get out of the house and go to a museum or something.

  23. Unflippinbelievable. I’d like to think this was a result of one of your uber-cool photoshoppin’ websites, but I think this is the real deal.

    Which is one SORRY deal.

    Geez…I loled on Little Miss Moi’s’s about what I was thinkin’. And that parvo was mysteriously involved….

    Wait a second…you “did” this for the blog, didn’t you? For us, your little cyber-minions…I’m on to ya, I tell ya.

    (and doped on on Vicodin, you’re still the funniest chick in the biz)

  24. Are you shitting me?! You need to stay at home for a little while. I hear accordion hero helps skin get its elasticity back after stitches.

  25. Oh my God! I’m so glad you’re okay – that looks like absolutely no fun at all. And people wonder why I’m not a dog person. Wow. Can I just reiterate how glad I am you’re okay?

  26. OMG…You should come to my hick hometown. You won’t get attacked by crazy dogs, but knowing your luck, you might just get hit in the eye with a watermelon seed during the seed spitting contest at the SEEDLESS Watermelon Festival.

    You have had some crazy bad luck this year. Bring on 2008…STAT! I’ve got extra hydrocodone. Wish I had something to help with the itching, b/c honestly? Sometimes that’s worse than the pain part of it! Bless your cotton pickin’ heart!

  27. OMG…horrors!!

    And you must be drugged – you just showed off, like your SIDE…BARE…to the ‘net!

    Wow…poor you! But enjoy the Vicodin! And Sqwunchiness!

  28. Oh. my. GOD! Are you ok, sweetie? Did you kick the dog later? Do you want me to come kick it for you?

    Hey, at least it wasn’t a squid.

  29. WOW! That totally sucks! But Vicodin ROCKS! I loved the photo of the deer, especially the captions! I hope you heal fast!

  30. Holy shit, sister!!! How frightening and painful. I am sure those pictures do not do justice to the physical and emotional pain! I am so sorry you had to live through such an ordeal.

    And that deer picture? Need I say right now I am crying. The poor thing.

    You poor thing. I wish I had vicodin now.

  31. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
    Jenny, girl, you blow my mind.
    I am curious, though: did your uncle shoot the dog? That set of injuries looks like the dog was savaging you.
    I am not a bloodthirsty person, but I think I’d be leaning toward shooting an animal that attacked a human so viciously.
    If not, I hope you gave the little beast Parvo.

  32. Hope you get that dog’s head on a pike for Christmas.

    This post has totally changed my mind about that milk bone necklace I was going to wear over the holidays.

  33. OMG! Look at you! I hope you inflicted some damage back or, you know, hick justice in the form of a shotgun, since they do that to mad dogs and all, don’t they? Get better, you poor thing.

  34. Jenny,

    One time I was viciously attacked by a cat and after I came home from the emergency room I remember being itchy from head to toe. Luckily the pain from the stitches overwhelmed the itching and the drugs overwhelmed the pain.

    I hope the baby didn’t witness this attack…

    Get a vat of Neosporin or Bag Balm STAT! (no kidding on the Bag Balm. It is a wonder ointment.)

  35. ps: I see you’re offering vicodin to Nikki because she can’t remember how to shave correctly, but I get a crippling toe injury and get nothing? What a cruel, cruel blog world this has become….

  36. so I’ve read this post several times today and I keep thinking something profound will find its way into the comments section…however…that just isn’t happening. I can add nothing that hasn’t been said numberous times before except I’m glad it was you and not me (No really I hope you heal up quickly and have less tramatic but funny stories to tell)

  37. That’s horrible. Ugh. What was done with the dog? My nephew was attacked by a dog on his grandma’s ranch and grandma cried… OVER THE DOG, so sister in law didn’t report it.


  38. Oh no! Do they sell personal Taser systems to protect innocent bloggers from mad dogs? Hope the pain recedes quickly.

  39. that is horrible…i can’t believe you are showing it…but i am the one who clicked on it from fun monday…i hope you get better soon!

  40. I’m petitioning “W” to add dogs to the Axis of evil. “If the Dogs attack Jenny then the terrorists win”.

  41. You just described a visit back to my hometown! Do we know each other?
    Maybe the reason that dog attacked you was because it’s father was his uncle and his mom doubled as his second cousin!
    Hope you’re feeling better.

  42. I thought you were making all this up and I was about to leave a comment like, “Aw shucks, Jenny. You’re so funny” but MAN! You couldn’t make this up. Oh dear.

    Just close your eyes, click your heels together, and say, “There’s no place like home” about 3 billion times.

  43. I was attacked by pitbulls when I was eight months pregnant. It was terrible. No vicodin for me …. and now I have a complete pitbull phobia.

  44. Glad you’re OK – my laptop is freaking out and I’ve given up on the comment I keep trying to write. If you have 3 others from me, I’m sorry- I’m on a public network and it’s not very good.

  45. Dude – I stopped by to say thanks for visiting my blog and WHOA, the dog attack? WTF? I hope they were dispatched…the hanging deer, well, I was married to a hunter once so that didn’t phase me so much.

  46. I’m just checking in on you to see if you are wrestling with tigers today.
    I found some drugs to send you ASAP, but I took them.
    Hope that makes you feel better.

  47. Mary Alice, I wouldn’t call it a phobia, I’d call it common sense.

    Jenny, know that I’m not laughing at you, I’m shrieking in terror WITH you. But…you’re like Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck!

    Like my grammaw used to say (when she wasn’t talking about the reusability of condoms in Daytona Beach)…Jesus Christ on a stick!

  48. Oh. My. God.

    That is the best video ever.

    And the part where they said “This is the monkey involved in the attack” and then they show a photo of the monkey wearing an ill-fitting santa costume? I fell off my chair.

    Also, I was assaulted by a performing street monkey in Vegas. My husband thinks it’s a hysterical story to tell at parties.

  49. Read the details on MamaDrama and had to see the pictures! OMG – it looks like it reaally hurt, but how great to know that you were able to protect/save Hailey!

  50. Oh MY GOD! What the hell!?! I am so glad you are OK.

    Take a much deserved hiatus from any more strange dogs.

    That is frightening. And I’m a “dog” person.

    Please take some drugs and tell your uncle to get a goldfish, maybe?

    p.s. For some reason I keep hearing the theme song from Deliverance when I read about your hometown…ha! 😉

  51. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  52. I love your blog so much that I had to go back and read the archives. You’ve gotten progressively more funny (funny=raunchy) and I want to be your new bff.

    But, regarding this serious dog mauling incident….are you sucking your stomach in in that first photo?

  53. that must have hert i should know my best friend got bite by a wild dog and we live in the uk and he died how traggic

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