Cloverfield owes me $3.50

We went to see Cloverfield this weekend and we got about halfway through before I got a migraine and Victor had to go throw up.  Victor, being A Man, was shocked and mortified to get motion sickness.  (This is the same guy that was lost at sea several years ago and was the only guy onboard who didn’t get violently seasick.)  But yesterday he was still throwing up so it turns out that it wasn’t motion sickness at all but actually the stomach flu.  I’ve never seen anyone so damned relieved to realize they had the stomach flu.  Guys are weird.

Anyway, I sent out an email to a friend who’d seen the movie, labeled “CLOVERFIELD EMERGENCY!  Call me quick!” because I really wanted to know how it ended and I couldn’t find anything that made sense on the internet.  So if you are here because you typed in “What happens at the end of Cloverfield because I can’t remember anything after I had the seizure?” then here’s your answer: 

Everybody dies.  I think.  Or maybe not.  Definitely one girl explodes and then the chick that looks like Jessica Alba gets impaled.  But she might still be alive.  Wait, is it Jessica Alba or Jessica Beil?  I always get those two confused.  Which one was on Sin City?  That one.  Also, the monster is a giant baby and it hates the Statue of Liberty.  

Dude.  Someone get me a job as a movie reviewer.  I am awesome at this.

Related:  Best question ever asked about Cloverfield:  “Did this really happen?

55 thoughts on “Cloverfield owes me $3.50

Read comments below or add one.

  1. First, I wasn’t going to see this movie because I don’t like scary things. Then I heard about people puking up their $10 popcorn and REALLY decided to never see it.

    Ever.

    Nicole P.’s last blog post..I Heart Juno

  2. Ugh. I still can’t stand even watching NYPD Blue for the same reason. What is WRONG with these people??? Steadycam! A perfectly smart person invented it. Use it. It’s like watching home movies filmed by my father in law.

    Poor Victor. Also…is there a difference between Jennifer Beil and Jessica Beil?

  3. I want to see this movie so I almost didn’t read this post but I can’t (CANNOT!) NOT read you (must review my sentence, did I just cancel myself out or did I negate a positive or whatever…). Bottom line, I read the post, wasn’t disappointed and still don’t know what happened. You really should review movies, fer sure.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..dinner tonight – the usual place?

  4. Add this to the long, long list of things that make me pinch the bridge of my nose and squinch my eyes closed. “Did this really happen?”

    Also add to the list the fact that movie tickets in Houston are apparently $7.00 Care to take a guess at the price tag here? $11.50, or more if you purchase online. Which I pretty much always do, because I’m a lazy asshole who doesn’t like interacting with a live human being if not strictly necessary.

    ali’s last blog post..Personal politics = priceless

  5. I’m not much of a movie goer but so far I’ve read yours and Wil Wheaton’s reviews and I’m thinking Cloverfield = nausea … and some other stuff too, but nothing as prominent as the nausea.

    Are they selling Dramamine at the snack bar? Can you imagine how much it would cost if they were?

  6. First of all. THREE FIFTY? Tell me it was discount night at your local cinema, Jenny. ‘Round these parts I have to re-mortgage my fucking house to go to the movies.

    Second of all. Dave would be completely mortified and would probably have to go do something manly like punch Chuck Norris in the cock if he left the movie theatre because a movie made him puke. Good thing for Victor he had the stomach flu. Yeah, good thing.

    Third of all. I want to see Cloverfield but I’m kind of chicken shit because I don’t want a migraine and if a water slide gives me a six-day migraine, Cloverfield will too. But reading this entry is almost as good as seeing the movie…without having to pay an arm and a leg.

    mamatulip’s last blog post..Flickering lunch bags

  7. I nearly blew Mexican food all over the back of some guy’s skull during this flick. What the hell? It took me two days to recover.

    I also got sick (actually sick) for a couple of days after … hmmmm. So is this a new Hollywood plot to spread some kind of visually transmitted flu? I think so!

    And dude … I’m so t’d that you didn’t e-mail ME about the flick. I suffered through the entire thing for nothing now!

  8. There is no difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. Both of them are my wife’s “girl crushes” and neither of them will sleep with me.

    As for Cloverfield, it was an intense film. When it ended, I had the same pit in my stomach that I got from the movie “Titanic.” Not because of motion or FX — the reality of each movie drew me in hard enough that I was emotionally ground to a pulp during each. It’s a great film for what it is, but not for everyone.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for January 19, 2008

  9. Josh made me see Blair Witch on my 16th birthday (yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a BABY) and I spent the whole time curled up with my eyes closed trying not to barf.

    Long story short, NOT seeing Cloverfield.

    Incidentally, I feel bad for the monster. He totally has sensory processing disorder. Poor baby.

    Kyla’s last blog post..My Best Shot Mission Monday

  10. gyad. i went to this movie with thatdude and i was unimpressed. the whole time i was all, “put the freaking camera down and run, dumbshits.”

    i am grateful that i was too preoccupied eating buttery popcorn, candy and sipping calorie laden soda to give it way too much thought.

  11. There’s no way I could sit through 5 minutes of this movie. I almost vomited during Blair Witch and actually DID vomit during Christopher Guest’s ‘Best in Show’ as it had that same choppy, documentary-style camera work.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Derailed

  12. Nice.

    Just recovered from Rotovirus (all 7 of us, I can provide WAYYYYYYYY to much information if anyone would like it, just email me) so I have the thowing up part covered (lots of practice last week). Now you told me the end so, I just saved $7.

    Thanks Jenny. Saving money for your readers at every turn.

    Houston’s last blog post..Thank God I Decided To Wear Nice Underwear!

  13. I feel reassured. I chose Sweeney Todd instead of Cloverfield and convinced my husband to go with me. Now I owe him like 1000 sexual favors for him having to endure two hours of musical throat slitting. Meanwhile, I was bummed I didn’t get to see a good movie. Nice to know I had no chance from the start.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..All of Your Fail is Belonging To Us

  14. SPOILER ALERT:

    hi! just cruising by here. it was a fun review to read. i dunno why but thank God i didnt have motion sickness. i didnt have headaches or what, but through all these, i still do not make sense in giving light to this movie. why? because the whole camera thing was just funny for me. i would keep on repeating myself that thing about Hud crossing from one building to the other. it doesnt make sense how he can balance himself with one hand while his friends are having a hard time moving around with both hands free. its just silly.

    its worth to watch it coz uve seen it, but its not something great.

    and yes almost everyone dies. or it is still a mystery if Lily died. could her chopper crashed too? i dunno.

    all i know that becuase of the ending, it seems like it is open ended. the monster, for all we know is still out there! how Rob and Beth died was because they were crashed on the rubbles by the bridge, but it doesnt mean that the rubbles are caused by the monster getting defeated and crashing over the bridge.

    and remember, that monster was multiplying. that monster had babies. loads. so we are not sure how to wipe them all out.

    for all we know, there will be a second part.

    marge’s last blog post..CARVEL!!!

  15. Dearest Bloggess:

    Your movie reviewing skills are peerless, your insights keenly penetrating, your ability to differentiate amongst various interchangeable actors absolutely freaking outstanding.

    I would MUCH rather read one of your reviews than go see the actual movie. I loved the lingering uncertainty in your synopsis as well as the possibility of exploding Alba(s).

    Totally bitchin’!

    And again, thanks for the props over at MamaDrama. Much love to my homegirl.

    Peace out,
    DD

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Decision 2008: Dear Dr. Ding

  16. If only you had written this days earlier and saved me from myself and my poor movie picking talents…

    Your review was worth the thirty minute wait in a lineup for popcorn, however.

    Unlike the movie.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Blizzards and Flakes

  17. Thanks for the review. I didn’t know if I wanted to see the movie, and now that I know how it ends I don’t have to. It’s like I was there. . . ahhh, the descrition was so vivid. It filled my mind with all sorts of spectacular pictures – except the girl kept shape shifting betweem Jessica Beil and Jessica Alba. Oh well – it made it all the more interesting.

    wright’s last blog post..Hiatus

  18. SPOILER ALERT:

    Now now, a friendly little bird wouldn’t want you to get epilepsy. A friendly little bird would like for you to be able to finish watching the movie and see the face of “Clover” when it eats “Hun.”

  19. Hi Jenny! It’s compliment instead of comment day (and ode to Melissa day), and I want you to know that I truly think you are probably the funniest blogger out there. Your sense of humor is amazingly awesome. I love to read all of your posts and when you comment on my blog, well I get all goose-bumpy in a non-perverted/crazy way. You really rock the crazy too!! I love you in some weird bloggy way that may or may not be a love triangle with our dear lost Melissa. Thanks Jenny, for getting me through my work day. And in all seriousness, I really do look forward to your posts in my reader and you never disappoint.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..For Melissa…..

  20. I saw Cloverfield and it was great and I didn’t get sick because I’m great. I love movies where everyone dies cause it’s all like, “In your face happy endings.” No one learns a thing and no questions are answered. Ha ha ha ha ha.
    That monster totally didn’t know his way around the city and was clearly frustrated.

  21. Dude. Your review has convinced me to see it. I’m weird that way.

    (Also, I’m a roller coaster enthusiast, which may explain why I’m not turned off by the puking. Bring it on, I say.)

    slouching mom’s last blog post..Being There

  22. *closes eyes and puts hands over ears* I’ve not seen it yet. Though, I’m not sure if I want to or not. The Idiots In Charge of a soap that I watch took it upon themselves to change back to the ‘shaky camera’ format, which is enough to cause me to look away. However, I still remember the thrills of Blair Witch, too, in spite of the shakiness. Oh what to do?! 😛

    The Pear Lady’s last blog post..Gone Political

  23. Spoiler alert:

    I reviewed Cloverfield a couple of weeks ago:
    http://thegoodflea.blogspot.com/2008/01/cloverfield-review.html
    because I wanted to warn readers about the motion sickness. Ugh. I watched all but eight minutes with my eyes closed. Is that still watching? And I got a migraine anyway.

    Eyes closed, it’s a really good movie. Hubby and I have been talking about it ever since. Very believable. Kinda. At the end, the last shot, the main dude and that chick he liked so much are at Coney Island (one of those flashback things) and the camera is pointed out toward the ocean. My husband says (my eyes still closed) that he saw something drop in the water. Presumably the Godzilla capsule.

    Considering that the movie starts with Cloverfield being a military zone, the civilian camera being found, I’d say everyone died. Boo hoo.

    And thanks for dropping by my blog!

    Flea’s last blog post..Random Wednesday – Because I Can’t Wait Till Friday

  24. The 2008 Bloggies are rigged. You should absolutely, positively be “up” for at least three–Most Humorous, Best Writing, Best New.

    Maybe Best Kept Secret, but you have more readers than most of those nominated (I don’t really know that, but let’s run with it, k?).

    You’re a freakin’ blogrockstar.

    Thank you.

    Robin’s last blog post..15 Words or Less Poem ~ Spinning

  25. Why did they call Victor “James” in that story about being lost at sea?

    P.S. Yes, I’ve spent the last four days doing NOTHING but catching up on the backlog of your blog posts. You are now the reason I don’t have a life. It’s nice having something to blame other than my general laziness.

    (It’s his Christian name. Shh. Don’t tell anyone. ~ Jenny)

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