The end of the world

in Random Crap, rants, this blog cures cancer, why the terrorists hate us

Actual sentence I overheard in the elevator this week that was so upsetting that I had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it: 

“But I thought she been done did that.”

Really?  You thought she “been done did that”?  This is what we’ve come to, blonde-girl-in-the-elevator-who-makes-me-cry-for-America?  This is the point when I’d come up with some  sarcastic line that’s actually more atrocious than the thing you just said but I’ve been working on it for the last two hours and I think it’s pretty much totally impossible.   Forget “fustrated”, “birfday” and “liberry”,  you’ve just made all of those seem like quaint colloquialisms.  Next time I see you I’m shooting you in the face.

Best comment of the day:  And when you do make sure you’re screaming, I’M MAKING BASKETTI FOR DINNER! BASKETTI, MUTHAFUCKA! ~ Mamatulip

131 thoughts on “The end of the world”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Oh, lucky you! You got to ride the elevator with Miss South Carolina!

    On a side note – the one that drives me crazy is e-legal. WFT is that? It’s almost as bad as nukular…

    Sayre’s last blog post..Kyrie

  7. “Irregardless” is the one that send me over the edge.

    Oh and David Cross’ pet peeve gets me – using “literally” incorrectly. “I LITERALLY crapped my pants!” “Ew, what did you do with them after you crapped them?”

  8. Okay, I agree with you all except for “y’all” which is totally acceptable in all conversations. Ditto for “ridonculous” which is over-used and slightly out of style but still occasionally the only word suitable to describe the fuckupedness of the situation.

  9. I wuz fxin to do dat, I done did dat, I need a scraw for my drink, I want a scrimp cocktail, and the fact that no one under the age of 25 can speak without saying um or uh between every other word.

    Bob’s last blog post..who remember’s 78’s?

  11. I want to crawl into a hole and die every time I hear ‘Murraland’ (Maryland) or ‘Amurrican’ (American). Though your approach of shooting people in the face kind of sounds a hell of a lot better. That guarantees that they can never make my ears bleed with their fucked up vernacular ever again.

    Heather B.’s last blog post..February

  12. Ohhhh honey. Come to the mountains of North Carolina. “Ya’ll” has been replaced with “You’ns” (pronounced YOONS).

    “YOONS raddy to orderrrr?”

    Do huh? LOL LOL

    Heather’s last blog post..New Zoo Revue

  14. “fuckupedness” Can I keep that word? I’ll love it, and hug it, and use it every chance I get…

    Of course Up North the call a casserole “hot dish” and sloppy joes “barbeques.” Overall, I’ll take a “you betcha” and “ya hey” any day.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Bwahahaha.

  17. Uhh.

    “Bal-mer” for Baltimore

    “Am-boo-lance” for Ambulance

    “Wooter” for Water

    Knew someone who ALWAYS called sneakers “tennis”. As in, “I picked up the nicest tennis at Sam’s Club today.” “My granddaughter needs new tennis.”

    Bret Michaels- Diabeetus. ugh. and “Hi-hoooo”. Annoying!!

    Get them out of my HEAD!!!! Make it stop!!!

    Danielle’s last blog post..Some Quick Random Kid Stuff

  19. Crown for crayon slays me. AND MY KIDS DO IT! Taught to them by my husband who knows how crazy it makes me. Don’t mess with OCD, man. There’s no telling what’s next, y’all.

    Oh and by the way, I tried to send an email to President Kawasaki about how you being engaged to him ruined all my plans because I loved you first. I couldn’t think of anything funny and left it alone. I just looked in my email sent box and it says “Mr Kawasaki” The end. Can’t get much more genious than that, now can you? My COMPUTER sent an idiot email. Good thing President Kawasaki doesn’t know I exist.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..The worst pick up line EVAH…

  21. Yay! I’m not the only one!

    Here are some of my favorites: “aloomni”, “supposubly”, “realator”

    and then there are the white people over 45 who are still using urban catchphrases from 15 years ago:
    “Let’s get jiggy with it”, “don’t go there, girlfriend”, “oh no you di-in’t”. I think I even heard a “homey don’t play dat” the other day.

    I want to stab them all in the eye.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..this just in…

  25. Okay, you guys are all priceless and hysterical but “BASKETTI, MUTHAFUCKA!” is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life. I was on the phone when I read it and totally laughed out loud in the middle of a really-inappropriate-to-laugh-out-loud situation and could. not. stop.

  26. I live in the South, and my in-laws are from a small rural mountain town. You would not BELIEVE the stuff I hear. I’ve had to beat some of that stuff out of my husband. He’s a smart guy, and college edumacated, but I guess though you can take the redneck out of the holler….

    He used to put a consonant on the end of certain words and it drove me INSANE. One word in particular was “obese-t” WTF?

    Now, to speak with him, you’d scarcely know he was Southern. Thank God.

  28. I been done heard someone say that there thang, too…

    Do you ever find youself unable to really listen to what someone is saying because your brain is too busy autocorrecting their grammar?

    Oh, that’s just me?

    3carnations’s last blog post..After Blog Share

  31. I’ll second The Introvert on real-a-tor instead of realtor. It drives me just as crazy as nucular does.

    Also, comf-ter-ble instead of comfortable. I even hear that one on mattress commercials and tampon commercials and for Pete’s sake why can’t anybody say it right?

  32. What? Where’s the “ax” as in “ax yous a question”?

    Warshing machine.
    Sword. Phonetically, sure that’s correct.
    Dint (didn’t – me? Guilty.)
    Dowl (Doll)

    I ain’t never goin’ ta’stop not lovin’ you, Jenny! Interpret that as you see fit.

    DD’s last blog post..no. 608 – The Goodyear Blimp, It Is Not

  34. And she was probably a freaking doctor too. I ain’t got no idee how unedu-ma-cated folk gets jobs at high-falutin’ establishments. Seriously, everytime someone uses a double negative other than for humor…I get upset. Don’t not never use double negatives.

  35. furiousball….yes, YES!! Diabetus. Spazzes me out every time that commercial comes on.

    My ex says “ARNJ” instead of “orange.”

    PO-lice

    anywho

    And my father says “boo-fey” for buffet. As in, we had a boo-fey dinner. I know it’s technically a correct pronunciation, but it drives me nuts.

    I am easily driven nuts. And yes, I can lose track of the conversation if I am distracted by a word in there that I just think is wrong.

    We have a commercial for a law firm in Maine where there are different people saying things about how great the lawyer is. One woman says, “I didn’t have to go to court. No court? THAT’S justice.”

    Uh, no it’s not. (I actually yell this at the TV. Every time.)

    markira’s last blog post..This is why I avoid the news

  40. I had to go over to Jeff’s because, really? The idea of a group where I get to rant about all the things that bug the hell out of me? Irresistible.

    And how do you do that where you can imbed a link to a word in the comment?

    markira’s last blog post..This is why I avoid the news

  41. OK so here are my two:

    Unthaw – by definition that means the opposite of thaw, so it’s frozen?

    Pitcher as in I took a pitcher (picture) and hung it on the wall! OMG – that is finger nails on the chalkboard for me!

  42. I had a mother in law who was very loud and out spoken. The following is a list of just some of the things she said that made me cringe:

    Amp tracks – anthrax
    peteek – petite
    supposebly – supposedly
    tem-it-toor – temperature
    cilanthro – cilantro
    Feb-oo-ary – February

    I could go on and on….

    TamiW’s last blog post..Sensory Perception/Deprivation Fun

  45. I work with a couple ladies from South Philly. I love them dearly, but Oh My Got! The dangling prepositions!
    “Where you at?” In my head I SCREAM, “I’M BEHIND THE PREPOSITION!”
    “Where did you get that from?” Huh?
    And the double negatives drive me apeshit.
    “I’m not doing nothing else on this file til she calls me back.”
    To make it worse, they say things like, “I’m gonna get some cawfee”.

  46. “BASKETTI, MUTHAFUCKA!”

    I LOL’ed at this one, too.

    There’s also s’getti. We say that on purpose as a joke.

    ‘Ja-eat yet?
    Naw, ‘j-you?

    avonlea’s last blog post..Thursday Ten

  47. okay, there really is nothing you can say that beats that.

    but, i will always love to say:

    tell yer mommandems ah sed how yer durrin?

    it’s a statement and a question.

    a stestion.
    a quatement.

  53. I know some people hate “y’all”, but I’ve lived in Texas my whole life and I could not speak without it. Plus Jenny says it’s acceptable, so “y’all” can bite me.

    But what really drives me up the wall is when people misspell it! It’s not “ya’ll”! It’s a contraction of you and all, not ya and ll.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..this just in…

  55. The quote was awful enough, but these comments have my laughing hysterically! I thought I was really going to die from laughter when I go to “BASKETTI, MUTHAFUCKA!” I still can’t breathe.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Studying with a 5 year old

  56. God bless The Introvert. I hate people who cannot properly spell “y’all”!

    “Y’all” is perfectly acceptable (at least here in Atlanta) and sounds so much more lyrical than “yous guys” and much more sensible than a mysterious “you” with an implied plural. French and Castellian Spanish have you-plural tenses. Perhaps Southern is just more evolved?

    I have no excuse to offer for “been done did that,” though. That’s frightening.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Useless Trivia My Friends Insist You Know About Me

  57. This may have actually topped “We ain’t no white trash,” uttered by the father half of the father-son team who ran onto the field at a Chicago White Sox game and attacked an umpire.

    Toni’s last blog post..Overheard

  61. I lost it at “I’M BEHIND THE PREPOSITION!”

    I hate hate HATE “Where you at?”

    Also,

    Anyways
    Idear
    Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, etc.

    I absolutely lose track of conversations because I’m too busy mentally throwing nails at people’s heads for saying that shit.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Jimmy and Sarah

  64. I agree with Becky Mochaface! My father-in-law says Mondee, Tuesdee… ARG! I mentally claw at my ears and throw sharp metal objects at his head when he says these words. There are others, but I am too busy laughing at “BASKETTI, MUTHAFUCKA!” that I can’t think. “lemme aks you” makes my eye twitch and my ears bleed. It should be legal to retaliate when people do things like this to us… right, y’all?

  66. markira – You can use this string to put a link in the comments:

    {a href=”http://www.blogpost.com”>text{/a}

    Just replace “blogpost” with your blog post URL and “text” with the word you want to be the link.

    You will also have to replace all the “{” and “}” characters in this example with “” characters instead. I had to show it this way otherwise the example wouldn’t have displayed in this comment.

    Let me know if I can make this more confusing and I’ll see what I can do.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Annoyances Anonymous Meeting Transcripts

  67. Please, please, please shoot her in the face. Maybe is that was the punishment for vocal infractions less people would have them.

    I often wonder why people feel the need to place an R in the word ‘wash’ or ‘Washington’. And don’t even get me started on EYEtalian, fucking idiots! Where are Eyetalians from? Eyetaly? I hate you.(I hope you realize I mean the people who say Eyetalian, I don’t hate you at all. Unless of course you say Eyetalian cause otherwise I would be hypocritical, sorry.)

    Michael’s last blog post..TT: yeah, I don’t keep track

  68. Gah! I DID make it more confusing!!!

    Answering this kind of question in comments is harder than I thought! The comment converted my answer anyway.

    One more time on this passage…

    You will also have to replace all the “{” and “}” characters in this example with the greater-than and less-than characters instead.

    I’ll go away now.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Annoyances Anonymous Meeting Transcripts

  69. I used to be a teacher. The “instructional coach” (the person paid to model great teaching for the rest of us) at my school once gave this direction:

    “If y’all would find your pacific seats in the liberry, we can start axing questions.” (and yes, that’s a direct quote, I wrote it down so I would never,ever forget it)

    Anyone wonder why I quit?

    I also hate that people think they need to use apostrophes when they write plurals. If I was able to teach the rule to my FIRST GRADERS from the ‘hood, it’s not that hard.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Mom!

  71. I’m only going to admit this to you..But I once got caught saying: “I know that there what it is!”…and I meant it wholeheartedly…Until I realized what I said of course…But the friends…they’ll never let me live it down.

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..My UnBirthday!

  73. Jeff,

    Thank you. I knew there was some HTML I could write that was doing it. Of course, I was reeeeeeally hoping that there was some simple mouse-clicking that would pretty much do it for me (similar to my blog posting), but at least now I know how to do it.

    And must test, of course.

    ha ha! It worked!

    markira’s last blog post..This is why I avoid the news

  76. Gosh, ya’ll are so snobby. Like the people in Old Springfield who don’t use lowbrow phrases like “c’mere a minute.”
    Just kidding, I hate all of these. I hate “probly” more. And I hate it when people spell pregnant “pregnate.” Because then all I can think is “please don’t homeschool that child you’re pregnate with.”
    Speaking of the pregnate, rent Idiocracy. I love the way all the people talk in that movie.

    Anne’s last blog post..You are a bad parent to somebody!

  77. Anne – That is the dumbest movie ever and I laugh like mad at it.

    Doctor: Well, don’t want to sound like a dick or nothin’, but, ah… it says on your chart that you’re fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit’s all retarded

  78. OMG! Jerseygirl89…you hit my grammatical pet peeve right on the head. From now on, every time I see professional sign using an apostrophe with a plural, I’m going to kill a kitten. Let that be a lesson to you all…unless you hate kittens.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..this just in…

  80. My ex-husband was from North GA and he used to say, “Don’t make me none” instead of “I don’t care.” As in, “where do you want to eat?” “Don’t make me none.”

    Yeah, that marriage lasted less than 2 years.

    My current MIL says, “Wahrst-uh-chest-uh-shire sauce,” but she’s from South Balmer so it’s expected.

    Jenni’s last blog post..March Is Not Spring

  82. When I was in college I was walking through the science wing to get to class when a group of (maybe 7 or 8 year old) kids on a class trip were passing through. One of them commented about how it stunk in that hallway and another agreed…. “It do!!”

    Another one, this time overheard in a pet store: “Look at he!”

    My god, is English really that hard?? I swear if I ever hear anything like that coming from one of my future children’s mouths…..

    Miss Huckleberry’s last blog post..Quick, go now!! Before they sell out!

  83. oh sweet jesus…

    so, she was blonde, but what color was her skin? cause i’m SICK of black folk who can’t speak worth a damn and think it’s ok. no wonder people think we’re stupid!

    Biddy’s last blog post..I’m A Feminist…

  86. Introvert, “y’all” is a staple in texas conversation. It just is. I too, HATE HATE HATE when people spell it “ya’ll.” Makes me want to smack ’em upside they damn head. 🙂 sorry, i couldn’t resist.

    Biddy’s last blog post..I’m A Feminist…

  89. I am very fond of “I’ll hollar atcha later” but “been done did that” is my now my new favorite.

    How do you say something like that outloud? In public?

    jody’s last blog post..Some dingo love

  90. Okay, okay, I’ll add my 2 cents in here too. Here is what I hate:

    zink = sink
    worsh = wash
    pello= pillow
    melk = milk

    and when I ask how are you? don’t say I’m good, say “I’m well.”….

    and why we’re covering it, I wish my mother would stop saying “at any rate”, WOMAN IT MAKES NO SENSE.
    I’m done. hehe 🙂

  91. uhhh. yikes. I can’t say I’m surprised though. I’m guessing this was an elevator in Texas, no?

    I’m from Louisiana where the language is really anything but English.

    Just remember if someone is hollering like a stuffed pig don’t let your mouth overload your tail because even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then and every dog should have a few fleas.

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..The Immunization Controversy

  97. The only time my comments number rose above 50 was when I wrote about the incorrect way people speak. Talk about a response! Also…there was the time that a Baby Blogger group of moms got upset at me for saying something unkind about Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie. As a former English teacher I can tell you that the misuse of words makes me so angry I’d like to burst into flames. Of course, when the President says “new-kew-lur”, you know it gives the rest of the country a blank check to talk like a half-wit. The other day I heard a woman say “massectomy” and when I corrected her, she told me that this was how she had heard others pronounce it. I wanted to scream, “WELL THEY’RE WRONG THEN–AREN’T THEY, BITCH?” “Birfday” makes me want to bite down on a hand grenade and when people pronounce the “l” in “salmon” I just want take my own kidney out with a rusty fork. Down here in Texas, I hear a lot of “I ain’t got no money…” or “where you at?” when inquiring about someone’s location. Given that every Gomer and Goober down here has a gun on his/her person, finding a way to shoot that gal in the face shouldn’t be too difficult.

    AB’s last blog post..Today’s Post Brought To You By The Letter “T”

  99. Heard at my husband’s office today: co-current, as in “we could do those two projects co-currently.” Way to go numbnuts.

  101. When I was growing up in NY, my best friend who was from SC introduced me to y’all. I’ve been using it ever since. English NEEDS a plural form of “you” and “y’all” is much nicer on the ear than “youse”, thus it gets my vote.

    Things that drive me batty include the abuse of moot/mute. If you don’t know the difference, use another phrase! “Irregardless”, misusing “literally”, youe/you’re and inappropriately placed apostrophes also makes my eyes and ears bleed.

    On the flip side, I have an irrational love of the phrase “Fer fuck’ sake!” when said using an Irish accent.

    I’m fickle that way.

    Jenny? While your writing is funny and fabulous, your comments section is half the fun on coming here!

    Hatchet’s last blog post..Tiny Green Babies: First Up!

  103. my god you are fucking hilarious! so very glad you got your own blog. i know, i know i already said that but i can’t STOP saying it.

    i’m thinking you’ll be able to quit your day job. in fact, you have to. the world awaits!

    piglet’s last blog post..blog stats

  107. Incorrect usage of literally drives me absolutely nuts! But having spent so much of my life outside the U.S., I’ve become more annoyed with Americans who do not speak correctly, when I live with people who speak correctly and ENGLISH IS NOT THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE!

    And slightly off topic, I was living in Maryland and my father and sister (both total native Texans) came to visit. We went to the rental car place and the woman started speaking to my father (the one who was trying to rent the car) and he stared at her and then looked at me to translate – like he had gone to a place where they didn’t speak English. I still laugh about that.

    Kylie’s last blog post..The Art of Noise

  108. After reading all the comments here, I have but two things to say:

    1) boB help the next person with a speech impediment who stumbles across your path.

    2) Starbucks must never, ever again shut down all their stores. Even for 3 hours. It puts way too much stress on the fabric of civilization.

    3) Jenny could post her fscking grocery list and get a hundred comments.

    OK, so that’s three things. Ah don’ done did count none too good, neither. Ass.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Greater Houston Hamfest

  112. Holy crap Jenny. You’re getting too popalar for me. That’s a whole nother sitiation. Yeah, if I’d a overheard that, I’d probly a gone nucular.

    Meanwhile, I teach advanced technical writing at a University. It is sad. Appallingly sad. I had a student write “she seen it” in her thesis last week. I felt physical pain.

    Greta’s last blog post..Do NOT Try This at Home!!!

  113. I forgot one…I caught one of my employees saying “equivilates” in a meeting the other day. I am a bad boss, because I called him out right then and there.

  114. At this point I’m scared to speak. Your readers are twitchy. Twitchy and violent. Twitchy, violent and apparently able to kick me in the throat, shovel-smash my face, and make necklaces from my splintered teeth.

    But don’t chu say nuthin’ about “y’all”, now…or I might get twitchy…!

    Robin’s last blog post..If at first you don’t succeed…

  115. While I’m no word-monger,it’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one that has issues about grammar. I drive my husband nuts with it ( he says things like “de-thaw” ). Every once in awhile I’ll throw out a word like ‘vituperative’, just to piss him off 🙂

    Hairy Weisenheimmer’s last blog post..I See A Rainbow

  116. Jenny, your blog ROCKS!!!! But you knew that!…Lol…Here’s my 2 cents. I work in a library and the mispronunciation of THAT word drives me to the edge of insanity!!
    Can you imagine? After answering the phone in this manner: Good afternoon X library, may we help you?
    The other person: Liberry, this da’ liberry? This da’ liberry on y street?

    Can I get an eye roll please, you know you want to!!!

  119. I’m from Atlanta and I say y’all. And yes, I admit, I say fixin’.

    But if you want to hear my worst faux pas ever it is this: I was in NY visiting my ex’s family once. He was hot so I told him to go put his “short pants” on. Gah.

    I had never said that before in my life and of course it had to come out in front of a group of New Yorkers who already made fun of my accent all the time. It’s possible I had just drank one glass of wine too many when it happened.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..Befuddled, bewildered, and baffled

  121. Conversating.

    Like nails on a chalkboard, that one. Really long nails on a really dark and scary chalkboard.

    I am torn about “fitty” cents. While I know it is horrible, the closet gangsta inside of me simply adores it.

    Momish’s last blog post..The Saturday Post

  122. Um, yeah, I say “y’all” and “fixin’ to” frequently, but then again I AM fluent in Texican, and those terms perfectly follow the rules of that language.

    However, I do draw the line at the inexplicable language many of you have quoted, and I loathe the non-word “irregardless.”

    I also, though, worked in an emergency room for many years and was subjected to, “She done fell out,” and “I gots to empty my kidneys” on many, many occasions.

  123. Around here, people end their sentences with “with”. As in, “Do you want to go with?”
    With whom? You? Someone else?

    It took forever for me to not be waiting for more words at the end of the sentence.

  125. A principal I worked for once uttered this beautiful phrase, “Alls yous need to do is axe thems to go to the liberry.”

    The librarian at the school would often correct the staff and students by reminding them, “If this was the ‘lie berry’ there would be lie berry pie. You are not in the kitchen you are in the library, please pronounce the r.”

  129. Oh YES to ALL y’all!
    I’m so peeved when people make a statement and stick a grunt on the end like a question-mark has a sound, rather than forming an *actual* question. ‘Cos phrasing a question is *that* hard.

    “You make that basketti off-ten, huh”

    Or when my country is pronounced “Austraya”. There is an ‘L’ and an ‘I’ in there at the end people!

  130. I also hate the teenagers and some adults using ‘What did you brought today?’ or ‘I brung this’. Who the fuck says brung as a past tense to bring. ‘I throwed this in the trash’. It’s SO annoying! And also: ‘Should of’, ‘would of’ and ‘could of’. Who the fuck invented that? It’s ‘should HAVE’ or ‘should’ve’.

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The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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