Just call me “Merriam”.

Things that read better numerically:

1.   If you missed the Bloggess this week you missed a lot.  Guy Kawasaki became besotted with me,  I made his name into a verb, my cat died, and Ken Hoffman continued to ignore me

Then, in a matter of days, ”Kawasakied” was recognized as a (kind of) real word and it quickly went international.

urban-dictionary.jpg

It’s pretty much the best word ever invented since “pornacopia” and is worth about a billion points in Scrabble.

2. I just want to say thank you for all your kind words about my dead cat.  You guys are amazing and your comments were quite poignant and introspective, including this one from Furiousball:

This reminds me of the time I met Ryan Reynolds in the mall. I said, “Hey you’re Ryan Reynolds!” and he said “Hey buddy, how are you!” We talked for hours over Orange Juliuses and corn dogs. And he bought all of it! What a guy! Then after we tested out the massage chairs at Sharper Image, he said he was going to a party in 20 minutes and wanted to know if I would go and tell the story about getting busted by the cops for skateboarding at the municipal annex to his friends. He said that story was soooo crazy, none of his actor friends would believe it. So we went to this apartment and there was no one there. And then Ryan Reynolds said he had to go to the bathroom. He came out completely naked with a torque wrench in his hand and a huge erection. Ryan Reynolds raped me.

2.  A lot of people tell me that they like reading “The Bloggess” but really only come here to read the hysterical comments.  Those people are called “assholes” but also they are right and that’s why I’m going to start posting the best comment of the day at the end of my posts because first of all, you deserve credit for your awesomeness and secondly, I get to use your witticisms for my own personal gain with no actual work on my part. 

3.  Speaking of personal gain, I need some cash.  Those cat urns don’t pay for themselves, people.  Also, I was about to dig out my painfully impacted wisdom teeth myself using a rusty steak knife when my dentist told me that I also need really expensive bone grafts (yay) in my jaw, which is just payback for bragging that I’ve never had a cavity in my life.  Good one, God.   You got me.  Anyway, I briefly considered adding paid reviews here to help out but it turns out that there aren’t a lot of corporate sponsorships for reviews like:

The other day I was shopping at Fadiddle when out-of-the-blue this hot guy offered to give me a blow-job.  I was all “Um, I’m a girl” and he was like “Oh.  Then cunnilingus?” It was kind of jarring but hey, that’s the kind of stuff that happens when you shop at Fadiddle.  Your junk becomes irrestistable to hot strangers.  Also, Fadiddle’s clothes make your armpits smell like lemon bars and naturally combats the germs that cause childhood polio.*

Anyway, that’s why I’m going to add a few tiny blogher ads and if it slows the site down or you hate them I’ll get rid of them and try to just get used to the constant, searing dental pain and the taste of my own blood in my mouth.  No really, it’s not a problem.

*Disclaimer:  Results may vary.  Also, “cunninlingus” is a disgusting word.  It sounds like an angry dinosaur and makes me think of rotten pumpkins.  Not like “Kawasakied” which sounds like something awesome that you’d want to have airbrushed on the side of your corvette.

*****************************************

Comment of the day:   “I used to say I never had a cavity in my life until I tried to get those vampire teeth put in after seeing Underworld and Van Helsing and thinking it would give me a shot with Kate Beckinsale – stupid TNT.  The dentist told me that it wouldn’t help because my teeth weren’t the problem, my face was. After I punched him repeatedly about his face and chest region, I was sent to prison where I was raped by, you guessed it, Ryan Reynolds.”  ~Jeff Balke

73 thoughts on “Just call me “Merriam”.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I have always thought that if they just named oral sex something cool like “corn dog” or “munch mallows”, guys would be much more likely to indulge us.

    Just saying.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Bubble Boy/Bubble Man

  2. That’s funny… I’m in the middle of composing a new post about how I’m going to start running BlogHer ads to try and help pay for my wisdom teeth to be removed! Good luck with yours.

    seven’s last blog post..Vintage-ish Magnets.

  3. Are you saying that your cat couldn’t walk because Ryan Reynolds raped it with a torque wrench? Or was that just the reason he had furious balls. I’m really fucking confused here.

    Willowtree’s last blog post..A rare Sunday post

  4. I used to say I never had a cavity in my life until I tried to get those vampire teeth put in after seeing Underworld and Van Helsing and thinking it would give me a shot with Kate Beckinsale – stupid TNT.

    The dentist told me that it wouldn’t help because my teeth weren’t the problem, my face was. After I punched him repeatedly about his face and chest region, I was sent to prison where I was raped by, you guessed it, Ryan Reynolds.

    Now, I just lie and say I had cavities. It’s just safer.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Senior Vice President of Tuxedo Operations

  5. Ryan Reynolds and Ken Hoffman are walking into the woods late at night. Ken says, “I don’t know about this … it’s really scary out here in the dark.”

    To which Ryan replies, “You’re scared? I have to walk out of here by myself!”

  6. Ok great, now I’m sitting here with armpit sweat because you’ve put all of this pressure on me/us…no really me. How can I possibly compete with furiousball’s Ryan Reynolds ass rape? (not a sentence I thought I’d have to type when I woke up this morning)

    Meanwhile, my balls would be soooo furious too. Actually no. My balls would still be in denial. I would have denialballs then I would move on to bargainingballs, THEN furiousballs, until finally, I would reach closure with acceptanceballs.

    Greta’s last blog post..Biggest Loser Recap/Saturday Quickie

  7. Hmmm… that may be why Ken Hoffman is ignoring you. He’s already been killed by Ryan Reynolds.

    My ex used to call it corkalingus. Always put me in mind of tonguing a bottle and getting your tongue stuck. Then I married my husband and changed my mind.

    Sayre’s last blog post..I didn’t cry

  8. you know, i have a feeling you know what i am thinking as i read this post. and you can count my bitch ass in as someone who reads the post because i am interested in and care about jenny, the bloggess. all these other fuckers who think they’ll be glib and jump on some comic bandwagon can suck it.

    oh, and still, i’m pretty damned psyched that herr kawasaki is following moi on twitter.

  9. Good luck with that whole ad thing and getting enough mula for dental work. Let me know how that works out for you. Being the rock star blogger you are, I am sure it will be great for you.

    I’ll read you no matter what. In fact, I am reading you while on the toilet right now! You are my favorite potty break!

    No. Not really but you did shudder for a minute.

    Jenn’s last blog post..I roll my own. Want a hit?

  10. Like, if I could get over the vomit factor I would so offer to give you a blow job. You are even funnier than the voices in my head. And they are pretty freaking funny, just for the record.

    Should tell them to start a blog and earn me some moula from those Blogher addys. I don’t need dental work (you betcha now I said that I will, Smite me almighty smiter!) but I needs me some purdy shoes. It has been DAYS since I gotz me some purdy shoes. Now best go, the voices tell me they are hungry.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Childs Play.

  11. Okay, first of all, no pressure on the comments. I do a little happy dance even when I get a viscious, trolly comments (which I’m getting more of now and I think is a sign that I’m getting kind of popular and that this blog will probably be totally out of fashion in less than three months).

    Secondly, I am *not* a rockstar blogger. I am a big dork with awesome commenters. Truly. If you meet me in real life you will agree with that completely. Don’t believe the hype of the comments. It is sheer luck that so many great people come here to display their leavings.

    Ew. “Leavings”.

    Third, everybody stay the hell away from Ryan Reynolds.

  12. It’s not fair that you’re only going to pick one comment of the day. Well, I should say it’s not fair to the other commenters – since I’ll probably always be the comment of the day.

    Jeff’s last blog post..m-m-m-MY Sharona

  13. I can’t believe Ryan Reynolds is cheating on me again.

    I’ve never minded the word cunnilingus, but I agree the beautiful act deserves a better name. Something with the word “quim” in it, because that’s my favorite female body part word.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Soap Opera Sunday – College Five

  14. I too fail on knowledge of Ryan Reynolds. I just inserted Bert in there. On even minutes, that’s Burt Reynolds. On odd minutes, it’s Ernie’s nut catcher Burt.

    Also, corkalingus is funny in that sticky way that now it’s going to fly into my head every time someone says, “put a cork in it.”

    anne nahm’s last blog post..Bourgeois Ennui

  15. I’m so sorry to hear about Bubba. It sounds like he was a really awesome cat.

    Also, knock yourself out with the ads. I get a kick out of reading your blog every day – you should at least get some cash out of it. 🙂

  16. Hey, Mistress Bloggess, Why don’t yo have a donation link? Like a Paypal thingie or something? I’d gladly donate a few cents to acknowledge my pleasure at reading your blog readily.

    Or…maybe we could start a Posey Defense Fund, to protect the little feller from hubby??

  17. Like others before me, I confess that I have no idea who Ryan Reynolds is. I wouldn’t know him if I tripped over him while he was buttslamming Ken Hoffman in the woods unless J. Kevin was there to handle the introductions. But whoever he may be, I’m sure you’re way cooler than he is.

  18. The pressure! The pressure!

    Ehn. Skipping out on feeling pressured, I shall instead go right for:

    I hear ya on paying the bills. I will be selling out…errrr…advertising soon as well. It’s my hope to pay for schooling for the children. Think of the children! However I imagine it will be a VERY long time before I see that very first piddly check for $25. Oh well. It’s not like I’m going anywhere!

    BTW, I added my thumb to the mix.

    Gah! That sounded awful!

    Hatchet’s last blog post..That Golden Glow

  19. Ok I had to google Ryan too. If you had referred to him as that guy from 2 guys and a girl I would have been all over it. So anyway..I’ve always thought he was an idiot so I just can wrap my mind around him raping furiousball. But maybe he just plays an idiot on tv and she knows something I don’t.

    Anywho…that sucks about the teeth. I’d rather have someone stick something sharp in my eye than have to go to the dentist. Good luck with that.

    Luann’s last blog post..dreams

  20. I can’t help it. I’m misting up a little bit in the old optical receptors(that’s geek for ‘eyes’). This post made me laugh, and cry, and want to start doing heroin all over again. And I haven’t WANTED heroin since I discovered snorting straight surface cleaner(Ajax preferably). I’m succumbing to every bit of corporate blog whorism I can find, mostly because I want someone to tell me that my language is unacceptable. I’m a rebel dammit. A Fucking rebel I tell you!

    I read your blog not for the witty comments, except possibly your own witty comments. No, I read you blog because it makes me happy. Except for the sad parts that aren’t supposed to make me happy.

    Reagardless, keep up the good work, you kawasakiing fool you(ps I voted thumbs up).

    Michael’s last blog post..God Dammit you stupid fucking Terminators!

  21. Damn–I’m at work and don’t have time to read through all of your comments–but the one about furiousballs and denial balls and acceptance balls made me practically spew french fries out my nose . . .

    So forgive me if someone else has already said this, but by the end of your post all I could think was, “There’s some poor loser out there who drives a Corvette with the word ‘cunnilingus’ airbrushed on the side!”

    country mouse’s last blog post..beautiful Spring

  22. dude, my taxidermy comment was way better than getting raped by ryan reynolds!

    i’m just saying

    and yeah, that’s a totally ewww word!

    by the way, i’m thinking you should come to the Bossy Does Dallas party.

    Biddy’s last blog post..pack and play

  23. Whoa…you’ve worn me out with this entry today, which is why I’ve not much to say now.

    Let’s see what we can do with those thumbs… (oh, that sounds so dirty *shakes head – The Bloggess is a bad influence on me. LOL)

  24. I don’t know who Ryan Reynolds OR Ken Hoffman are.

    I had all of my wisdom teeth removed on Halloween one year. When I came out of the dentist office completely swollen, it just looked like it was part of a costume and not like I was a freak with huge cheeks. Only I was wearing my normal clothes and not costume clothes.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..Fun Monday – The challenge that almost slayed me.

  25. That bites about your wisdom teeth. Had mine out 10 years ago and pretty much laughed through the whole procedure, courtesy of the gas. I recommend it highly. I also recommend stocking up on straws so you can suck cocktails all the live long day while you are recovering. Makes those oozing sockets much easier to deal with.

    Also, I prefer Genital Slurpees to Cunnilingus.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..I Met Barack Obama Today

  26. Uh-oh. I’m channeling Dave Barry here.

    Genital Slurpees would be an excellent name for a rock band.

    For that matter, so would Those Ooozing Sockets.

  27. Hey, do you want Blogads? I have one invite left if you would like it. Just let me know and I willsend it to you.

  28. Can I just say that, despite the hilarious nature of your comments section, I come here to read what you write. Commenting folkss can only be as funny as the thing they’re responding to. Sorry about the cat, but jazzed about Guy. Ken Hoffman doesn’t know what he’s missing.

    AB’s last blog post..Stormy Weather

  29. I need some moolah, too – $1100 and counting at the vet for me! I swear it’s because she had sex with my neighbor’s gay/transvestite cat. I want to drop kick and punt him!

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..Redundancy

  30. I don’t disagree that ‘cunnilingus’ is a bit of a mouthful(insert giggles here), but without it you couldn’t have witty things to say like, “i’m a cunning linguist” when you’re trying to pick up chicks. I know that line does not work, cause I try it all the time, but it’s still funny.

    Disclaimer: I have never used that line on a living person.

    Michael’s last blog post..Mike and “Troy” – unfiltered.

  31. I thought that Guy Kawasaki was that guy (haha) from The Food Network. Guess not huh?

    RIP Bubba. You were a good kitty. Even if you did get cat hair all over me. And I think you might have peed in my bag once, but that could have just been my kid.

  32. Torque wrenches scare me. Ryan Reynolds does not. He’s really easy on the eyes. Plus, if he’s good enough for the bitter pill that is Alanis, then I am sure he’s ok.

    Wisdom teeth are bitch! My insurance wouldn’t pay for anesthesia that would put me to sleep, just local. I actually heard my teeth grinding against my jaw. The kicker: I was in college and went out for beers that night. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

    Cunninlingus is the grossest word ever! So is fur-burger. Ick!

    I have a Corvette. Kawasakied is being airbrushed on by LA-gangster punks who I paid in pot as. we. speak.

    M&M

    Oh! And I love cat-people … they are good people.

    Maternal Mirth’s last blog post..Texts: An Anthology of Insanity, Wit and Love

  33. My hubby still has all 6 of his wisdom teeth. Of course he has a head the size of a Buick, so the extra teeth fit just fine. Along with a clutch of circus clowns. And a family of raccoons. Ass.

  34. I’m sorry about Bubba. I’m sure he reciprocated your affection and was not secretly trying to infect you with plague or schizophrenia.

    On a more positive note, I just had to comment here to affirm cunnilingus. In word and deed, it is a beautiful thing and this fact should never, never, never be challenged. Like Maria said, it’s blasphemy.

    C’s last blog post..“No Machine”

  35. I was so confused with all the random comments about Ryan Reynolds and some didn’t even know who he was, then I remembered I’m in 2012 reading posts from 2008. I haven’t stepped into a time warp. Whew!

    Best comment: # 7 – made me laugh like a machine gun. The neighbours are officially scared.

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