Things that read better numerically:
It’s pretty much the best word ever invented since “pornacopia” and is worth about a billion points in Scrabble.
2. I just want to say thank you for all your kind words about my dead cat. You guys are amazing and your comments were quite poignant and introspective, including this one from Furiousball:
This reminds me of the time I met Ryan Reynolds in the mall. I said, “Hey you’re Ryan Reynolds!” and he said “Hey buddy, how are you!” We talked for hours over Orange Juliuses and corn dogs. And he bought all of it! What a guy! Then after we tested out the massage chairs at Sharper Image, he said he was going to a party in 20 minutes and wanted to know if I would go and tell the story about getting busted by the cops for skateboarding at the municipal annex to his friends. He said that story was soooo crazy, none of his actor friends would believe it. So we went to this apartment and there was no one there. And then Ryan Reynolds said he had to go to the bathroom. He came out completely naked with a torque wrench in his hand and a huge erection. Ryan Reynolds raped me.
2. A lot of people tell me that they like reading “The Bloggess” but really only come here to read the hysterical comments. Those people are called “assholes” but also they are right and that’s why I’m going to start posting the best comment of the day at the end of my posts because first of all, you deserve credit for your awesomeness and secondly, I get to use your witticisms for my own personal gain with no actual work on my part.
3. Speaking of personal gain, I need some cash. Those cat urns don’t pay for themselves, people. Also, I was about to dig out my painfully impacted wisdom teeth myself using a rusty steak knife when my dentist told me that I also need really expensive bone grafts (yay) in my jaw, which is just payback for bragging that I’ve never had a cavity in my life. Good one, God. You got me. Anyway, I briefly considered adding paid reviews here to help out but it turns out that there aren’t a lot of corporate sponsorships for reviews like:
The other day I was shopping at Fadiddle when out-of-the-blue this hot guy offered to give me a blow-job. I was all “Um, I’m a girl” and he was like “Oh. Then cunnilingus?” It was kind of jarring but hey, that’s the kind of stuff that happens when you shop at Fadiddle. Your junk becomes irrestistable to hot strangers. Also, Fadiddle’s clothes make your armpits smell like lemon bars and naturally combats the germs that cause childhood polio.*
Anyway, that’s why I’m going to add a few tiny blogher ads and if it slows the site down or you hate them I’ll get rid of them and try to just get used to the constant, searing dental pain and the taste of my own blood in my mouth. No really, it’s not a problem.
*Disclaimer: Results may vary. Also, “cunninlingus” is a disgusting word. It sounds like an angry dinosaur and makes me think of rotten pumpkins. Not like “Kawasakied” which sounds like something awesome that you’d want to have airbrushed on the side of your corvette.
Comment of the day: “I used to say I never had a cavity in my life until I tried to get those vampire teeth put in after seeing Underworld and Van Helsing and thinking it would give me a shot with Kate Beckinsale – stupid TNT. The dentist told me that it wouldn’t help because my teeth weren’t the problem, my face was. After I punched him repeatedly about his face and chest region, I was sent to prison where I was raped by, you guessed it, Ryan Reynolds.” ~Jeff Balke