Hallmark is missing a big market

in conversations, my cat's toes, Random Crap, this blog cures cancer

Conversation with a friend: 

Me:  So we had to put Bubba to sleep.

Justin:  What happened?

Me:  The doctor started squeezing him and he popped his bladder or something. Victor was all “I think he done broke our cat” and it turned out that, yeah, he did. But it was going to happen anyway. He had some kind of persian disease.

Justin:  You know what ‘persian disease’ means in non-clinical terms? Oops-I-fucked-up-and-killed-your-cat disease.

Me:  Yeah.  We were going to send the vet a card but they don’t make one for “You guys did a great job of taking care of our cat right up until you murdered him.”

Disclaimer:  My vet actually kicks ass and didn’t intentionally kill our cat by popping his bladder.  That was an accident which could have happened to anybody.  He intentionally killed our cat by injecting him with some sort of poison.  Which we paid for and watched.  So I guess that murks up the water a bit.  Is “murks” a word?  It is now.

**************************************

Comment of the day:  I think you can make oodles of cash from the ”I done did fucked up and killed your (fill in the blank here)” card market.

”I done fucked up and killed your mom”

”I done fucked up and killed your ficus”

See?  The possiblities are endless….  ~Flutter

75 thoughts on “Hallmark is missing a big market”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. HAHAHAH!

    OK, now that is funny! Not Bubba passing away, that is not funny, that is sad. I’m talking about Pendullum being sorry about Victor. Not that anyone should be sorry for him, because he’s really funny, but to say that the vet “…done broke our cat,” that is just wrong. Of course a vet popping your cat is wrong too but bad grammer is just inexcusible.

    So how’s Justin? He keeps griping at me to get a twitter account, but I haven’t had time…

    OK, that was random.

    Houston’s last blog post..Morning Letdown From Last Night’s Fury

  5. Yes, but Victor intentionally used poor grammer here and that is prefectly acceptable. It’s like two wrongs making a right or being so trashy that you actually look kind of hot.

    Justin is alive and fabulous. I think.

  6. “He intentionally killed our cat by injecting him with some sort of poison. Which we paid for and watched.”

    Aaahhh….so there were TWO gunmen on the grassy knoll.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..violated

  7. was there any chance that there was a Epena Indian in the room? if so did he have a blowdart gun with him? if so, he might have darted Bubba. the use the golden poison dart frogs for poison, the deadliest. that’s right the deadliest. i can’t confirm neither deny that they eat persian cats in their diet, but probably.

    furiousball’s last blog post..post number 2000 contest

  10. I’m so sorry about Bubba, but I’m loving this post. He done killed our cat….I’m rolling over here.

    I think Murks is a word. Purty Durn Sure.

    Phoenix’s last blog post..These are the days

  11. You’re your own cat’s murder accomplice? Murder for hire??

    It’s wrong, I tell ya, WRONG for y’all to pay for that…your “kick ass vet” made P.L.E.N.T.Y. of money on Bubba’s ultimately life-ending treatments…recompense is in order if you ask me (which you didn’t).

    I’m tellin’ Posey to get the heck outta there while he/she/it can. RUN, POSEY, RUN!

    Robin’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday ~ Beached

  15. OMG, you crack me up. I sent my vet a “thanks for killing my dog” card when i had to put Alex down. My mother thought i was nuts but hey, they did a wonderfully respectful job ending his life…..sans the popped bladder…

    Julie’s last blog post..Who knew…..

  16. I think you can make oodles of cash from the

    ” I done did fucked up and killed your (fill in the blank here)” card market.

    ” I done fucked up and killed your mom”

    ” I done fucked up and killed your ficus”

    see? the possiblities are endless….

    flutter’s last blog post..If I had no more tomorrows

  20. I like your words. They roll about and make me giggle, whether they are real or not. That giggling is useful when combatting unknown Persian diseases – it provides perspective and grace. Kudos on both. And sorry again about your kitty. 🙁

    Kelley’s last blog post..Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner

  22. I dropped off $1100 with my vet this week. $1100! AND THE CAT IS STILL SICK! That jackass is probably enjoying a luxury cruise right now on his cat-shaped yacht called “My clients are pussies.”

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..Thoughts on Ohio

  23. ooof.

    and i really think the vet should have thrown in a free murder yer pussy voucher after you’uns paid him so much of late.

    and i think you should print a photoshopped pic of bubba vowing to haunt the vet forever and send it to him.

  24. Call me crazy (Um…thank you!), but I think your vet owes you, not the other way around. Yes, your cat was very sick, but your vet actually was the final actor in your cat’s demise.

    I think he should have given you the euthanasia shot for free.

    “…he done broke our cat.”, indeed!

    I’m sorry about your kitty.

    Hatchet’s last blog post..Do you hear that? Me neither!

  27. OMG, it totally cost me $70 to have my dog “juiced” a few years ago. They called it the “pink juice.” Which is funny ‘cuz now we have fruit punch drink boxes that my kids LOOOOVE. I just chuckle (and simultaneously have a panic attack) when one kid says “I’d like some pink juice with my macaroni and cheese.”

    Sorry…rambly…Mucinex toxicity, I think.

    Greta’s last blog post..Greta’s Perfect Day?In Which She Voluntarily Recommits Herself

  28. Do ALL Persians suffer from Persian Disease or just the cat kind of Persians? I mean, it sounds horrifying that all Persians everywhere could contract this disease and then have to be put to sleep while their owners watched. I personally don’t own any Persians, because I think slavery is wrong, but I suppose IF I did, and IF one of them got Persian Disease, I would let the vet pop his/her bladder and inject him/her with poison. It’s humane to do that to your Persians so they won’t suffer right?

    I am sad that your kitty cat is no longer living, I am also sad that you don’t know if murk is a word, but, you know, on like, a totally different level of sad cause one is about a living being and the other about a word.

    Michael’s last blog post..Why, my Bacon number is 3, thank you for asking!

  29. Yes, Murks is a word. Because isn’t Merk a pharmaceutical company? So…Murks equals…uh..TWO pharmaceutical companies. Murks. And quite possibly the same company that manufactured Bubba’s brand of poison that “done kilt him”. Rest his soul.

    AB’s last blog post..Primary Colors

  32. I’m looking in a crystal ball. It’s a bit murky but I do see large cheques arriving from Hallmark.

    Poor Bubba. I suppose it’s better that it was the Vet rather than anyone else.

    Jana’s last blog post..Word (Full) Less

  34. we should make a dictionary of awesome words and phrases. you can put in kawasakied and murks. i’ll put in “healed up and haired over”

    we’ll be rich…

    and then you can pay hallmark to make a card that says “thanks for killing our cat, fucktard. you were awesome”

    oh, by the way, is the “picture of the kitty” on victor’s back a memorial to Bubba? is he going to have Old English lettering placed on it that says “RIP BUBBA” with his birth and death dates? cause hailey would totally love that

    Biddy’s last blog post..guess that candidate

  36. Mmmm, I could have used your kind of Hallmark sentiments when the ultrasound tech said, “Did your last baby have a heart beat?” and when I responded with confusion she said, “Well you did lose your last two, right?” at which point I began to hyperventilate. She took a look at her clipboard and muttered, “Wrong line,” and then told us, “There were two sacs, one failed,” and then handed my a paper towel and said, “You can wipe now.”

    Seriously, they are missing an entire aisle of medical magnificence missives.

    As an aside, they put the fear of god in this woman and she all but offered me a lube job at today’s ultrasound appointment.

    amanda’s last blog post..Love is sticky

  37. I am really sorry about Bubba. I still think he’s faking all you guys out and one day he will kick down the front door with bionic legs and hand you a Hallmark Card that say’s
    “Sorry I faked my death and made you cry alot.”
    Seriously though, Hallmark would make millions on these ideas.
    I saw a card there the other day where these two old ladies are talking about how their boobs are saggy, do people actually give these cards?
    “Hey saggy sacks! Happy B-day!”

  41. “As an aside, they put the fear of god in this woman and she all but offered me a lube job at today’s ultrasound appointment.”

    What the…

    OK, sorry Amanda, but THE WIFE has gone through TONS of ultrasounds and I don’t think she would have EVER wanted a “Lube Job” from one of them…

    Of course maybe my definition is wrong.

    Houston’s last blog post..New Time Waster!

  46. Alas, you did not coin an additional phrase today, as “murk” is a real word. AND you used it correctly!

    I am a sad and pathetic Google addict. Sad.

    markira’s last blog post..Unsolicited Review

  50. Ok, the burning corduroy nearly did me in. Gorgeous, Jenny–somehow you seem to be at your most hilarious when you’re most deeply affected. Love it, but sorry about it too. xo!

  51. in the words of my beloved, britney: “ding dang ya’ll, sorry about your cat.”

    so yeah there aren’t cards such as the one you proposed in your post, but…. maybe you should create your own line of greeting cards. i am completely fucking serious, you would rule the world of dysfunctional greeting cards.

    piglet’s last blog post..what i do

  52. p.s. i desperately need for you to put the “what critics are saying” box back b/c frankly that makes me giggle every time i come over here.

    piglet’s last blog post..what i do

  53. This is why I object to all of these other people accosting you on your blog in your comments section, Jenny. I think of a decently funny thing to say in response to your latest side-splitter involving death and bladder crushing, but the time it takes to scroll down through the other comments in order to tell you my decently funny thing always sneaks the funny away from me and I’m left with a whole bunch of nothing.

    I blame everyone in the world but me.

    lildb’s last blog post..from craptacular to coated-in-awesome. all in one day.

  55. Every time I take my not-yet-dead cat to the vet it’s the same price. No matter what they do, it’s always about $35 but I have to bring her in again the next day and then two days later and so on. They just drag it out to make it seem like I’m getting my money’s worth.

    And while I come here to read your blog, the comments you get are the funniest anywhere and, like always, I am not worthy:).

    Kylie’s last blog post..Toby – New and Improved Version!

  56. …maybe you should create your own line of greeting cards. i am completely fucking serious, you would rule the world of dysfunctional greeting cards.

    Hey, I would totally spam send your greeting cards out to complete strangers, along with a Trojan for their PC.

    ~EdT.’s evil doppelgänger

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday meets the Texas Two-Step

  58. I personally like this card idea: “It’s your LAST anniversary!”

    For those (like me) who went through a divorce and their anniversary happened to fall in there during the mandatory waiting period.

    markira’s last blog post..Unsolicited Review

  59. I’m really sorry, baby. Truly, I am…I just think it’s BULLSHIT when someone pops someone else’s bladder.

    I remember one time when I had this fantastic Himalayan. His name was Raja Kuala Lama Ding Dong…or something similar. And we made out for hours. Until there was an avalanche. That pretty much ended that scene…which wasn’t completely tragic. He smelled like Yak fur and well…there’s a reason that they don’t bottle that scent.

    Anyway, I also had a Himalayan cat. And when she was a kitten, she only trusted me. I told the arrogant vet this, but he ignored me. Well…”Simba” went ape-shit on his ass…or actually, technically his face. His face was literally bleeding within seconds of meeting her and dismissing my warnings. It was awesome.

    Kevin Charnas’s last blog post..Curbing My Enthusiasm

  63. Pingback: Feed Meme « Spin Me I Pulsate

  66. I wish I hadn’t giggled at this post. I feel all dirty now.

    But in an “I’m still laughing” kind of way.

    But I’m still sorry about Bubba.

    Too… many… conflicting… emotions…

    My head hurts.

    Melanie’s last blog post..Mulling

  70. Pingback: Friday Five - Technorati Plummets: You’re All Sick, Sick, Sick | Baby Boomer Going Like Sixty

  74. I have worked at an emergency clinic where a technician flushing a bladder has done that exact same thing, and all I can say is…I sort of giggled then, too. I keep looking for the lightning to take me out, pretty much on a daily basis.

    As to the ‘pink’ juice, the worst is when someone drew up a syringe and left it unlabeled. Because Distemper and Rabies vaccines are very similar in color to the Death Juice. And I really hate to waste anything.

    Saskia’s last blog post..People and Trauma and all of the Beauty in between.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: