Hi. Oh hi. I’m high. I just took 6 pills. 6 pills is a lot.
But I’m alive and minus wisdom teeth.
I thought I wrote a post explaining about being high earlier but I can’t find it? Where are you little entry about being high? Did I dream you? Did you know that I have 61 unpublished entries in my draft file? That’s a lot, right? I’m tempted to publish all of them right now just to freak you all out but I feel like I’d regret it a lot once I sobered up because seriously? Not so good.
So I got some laughing gas and then I was all “This stuff is poorly named. I don’t feel like laughing at all.” Then they started an IV of “the good stuff” and suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge to laugh and I got stuck in a giggle loop where you try to stop laughing and it just makes you worse like when you’re at a funeral and you’re laughing so hard at something you shouldn’t be laughing at and so you start shaking and tearing up and everyone thinks you’re grieving and taking it really hard but in actuality you’re laughing about how funny the word “c*nt” is. Is “actuality” a word? Because I use it all the time in my head but not out loud. Also, I pronounce it with a british accent. In my head. C*nt. Ha!
So anyway, the surgery was fine except that I got super pissed off that they wouldn’t give me my teeth because I wanted to sell them on ebay like Corey Haim did but they said they already threw them away. Bastards. (Also pronounced with an English accent.) Then I got in the car and threw up out the window and the dentist assistant had to come out and change out my gauze in the parking lot while I acted like a total idiot. It was much like being back in college but with more dental assistants.
After that I fell asleep for the rest of the day and Victor woke me up at midnight to tell me someone was sneeking around our house. I was all “Something’s sneeking around in our house? Like a leprechaun?” and he was all “No, drunky. Someone’s OUTSIDE the house” and he grabbed the riot gun and ran outside. And I sat there thinking that he was never going to be able to shoot a lepreachan because those things are freaking nimble. So I find the phone and dial 9 and 1 and wait until I hear a gunshot before I dial the other 1 and then I see Victor lugging in a giant box. Turns out that our neighbor signed for a package and was just leaving it on our porch. It also turns out that I’d pressed memory and 1 accidentally and left a really weird muttery message on my work voicemail about leprechauns.
Anyway, I’m ouchy and need more drugs. Oh and you know what?! Turns out I didn’t have wisdom teeth on top. Just on bottom. When they told me that I yelled “KICK-ASS!” and some kid down the hall started laughing his ass off. Then the giggle loop started again. Also, I every time I say “Guess what?” to Victor he’s all “You didn’t have wisdom teeth on the top of your mouth? Because you’ve told me that like nine times already.” I’m all “Really, nine times?” and he’s like “Yeah, nine times.” and then I think of Ferris Beuller when Principal Roony tells Ferris’s mother that Ferris has been absent nine times and she all “Nine times?” and he’s all “Nine times!” and then I start laughing again but I’m too high to explain why it’s so funny and Victor makes me go back to bed.
Hey did you know I have a really big announcement to make that I can’t make yet? Because I do and it will BLOW. YOUR. MIND. Or possibly you won’t care at all.
I’ll probably delete this whole post when I sober up.
Comment of the day: Is the big announcement that you only had wisdom teeth on the top? ~ Kittenpie