Conversations I have with my husband when stangers are standing too close to us

Me:  I’m out of my anti-anxiety meds again.

Victor:  You don’t need those.  Just relax.

Me:  I could relax more if I had some xanax.

Victor:  You need to get off the drugs.  You know what I do to battle anxiety?  I have sex with prostitutes.

Me:  No.  WayI battle anxiety by having sex with strangers for money!

Victor:  Waaaaait a minute

Me:  Oh my God!  You!

Victor: I did not even recognize you without the wig and the tube top.

Me:  You totally still owe me money.

PS.  Does this post make sense?  Because I’m still a little high and it might be missing an entire sentence for all I know.  I’m still on the drugs but I’ve sobered up enough to realize that the red warning label on the box of steroids they gave me to help fight off infection says “THIS MEDICINE MAY LOWER YOUR ABILITY TO FIGHT OFF INFECTIONS!”  The hell?  Also, Victor would like me to clarify that while he did not fire the riot gun this weekend, if there had been a tiny leperachaun outside he totally would have nailed it and he doesn’t appreciate my doubt.

Comment of the day:  I can only hope you were a little high when you chose to sell your wares in a tube top.  Perhaps the tube top is contributing to your anxiety. Perhaps you should knit a tube top out of xanax, like a candy necklace. Then you could relax when you were all tarted up.

I’m not high.  ~Epiphinita

91 thoughts on “Conversations I have with my husband when stangers are standing too close to us

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  1. Awesome! Don’t believe those leperachaun johns – they claim to pay you out of a pot of gold. But you have to get to the end of the rainbow first. And honey, the end of a leperachaun’s rainbow? Not. Worth. It. Not even in the efforts of reducing anxiety.

    I hear, anyway.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..The Adventures of Off The Pill Anne

  2. thought you might like this high. i like it “not high” but people always think i must be high for liking this. but maybe you will like it. high or not. feel better

  3. Damn dirty Leprechauns!

    Kill ’em all Victor!

    BTW, I think you can get out of paying Jenny for “Anxiety Relief” since is your wife… However, I would consult an attorney first as your HMO may require a co-pay.

    Houston’s last blog post..I’ve Felt Like This

  4. Umm, are you sure you want to publish this during tax season? Like, man, you could totally get audited-you for unreported income, and the Leprechaun Annihilator for dubious “medical” expenses…

    (And yes, steroids are immunosuppressant; they would be prescribed to hold back inflammation.) (uh, and they also fug with metabolism and weight gain.)

    Menchuvian Candidate’s last blog post..Wilding, Mommy-style

  5. I find that as far as antagonizing my husband, with two daughters and a third on the way very little is required on my part. Just the other day our three and half year old was teaching the 22 month old just how exactly one ought to suck on a popsicle. She advocates a very forceful, long suck, which she demonstrated time and gain as she exclaimed, “Look how I suck, Daddy!” Sean almost fainted.

    Amanda’s last blog post..Confession born from compliments

  6. SD and I like to pretend we just met, in the grocery store checkout line, and loudly discuss forgoing the preliminary courting niceties, calling our spouses to tell them we “have to work late” and just go to the motel and have loud, sweaty monkey sex.
    The looks we get are priceless!

    Hairy Weisenheimmer’s last blog post..Things That Changed My Life – pt 1

  7. Hands down the funniest thing I have read all week! Sorta a modern “The Gift of the Magi.”

  8. I’m sorry but…I doubt Victor’s ability to hit a leprechaun with a riot gun. Those are a little slow, and I hear leprechauns are very dodgy and hard to see. I’ve never even seen one, myself.

    The rest of it I totally buy, except that you weren’t wearing a wig during this conversation. Cannot suspend my disbelief.

    😉

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Maxim (and its readers) can BITE ME!

  9. S’okay, I’m kinda wondering how many “stangers” she has wandering around near her.

    I am also wondering if the warning on my pain meds “not to operate heavy machinery” includes the vacuum cleaner. ‘Cause it’s kinda heavy. Hey, so is the washer. And dryer. And stove. And dishwasher. Man, I’m getting out of ALL this stuff.

    markira’s last blog post..St. Patty’s Day surprise

  10. As for your past post… I know that wonderous happy drug of which you speak — the kind at the surgeon’s. I’d had two wisdom teeth cut out prior to this past time. So I knew how awesome it was. I spent alot of time trying to talk them into just keeping the iv in and letting me lug a little red wagon full of the “good stuff” around. And now when I think of Leperachaun’s? I’ll have visions of some guy lurking around his darkened yard with a gun while you sit on a couch high as a kite.

    And as for this post… Start calling him “John”…

    motherofbun’s last blog post..The essence of Amanda

  11. What a coincidence! My hubby was subscribing to my live webcam show, and we didn’t even know it. At least the money he spent was all coming back to us. Wait…is that money laundering?

    The Introvert’s last blog post..never boring

  12. I’m not quite sure how I JUST got around to finding your blog, but you are brilliant.

    I’m writing you a love letter right now. Don’t deny me, Bloggess.

    whoorl’s last blog post..Easter Panic!

  13. If I were the stranger standing too close to that conversation, I’d be offering you more money. Cash.

  14. you mean he didn’t shoot anything? damn! that would have been so much more fun.

    this makes sense to me but that’s not a great assurance as I can be pretty weird. Or maybe that’s just all in my head…

    Maggie’s last blog post..Happy Easter!

  15. The hell? LOL

    I am totally employing that method when people invade my personal space. Which is often. Which makes me wonder if I require more space than the average person, or if people really are attracted to me by gravity. because I am fat. Oh God, I’m fat, and now I have anxiety.

    I need Xanax too.

    flutter’s last blog post..So any vacation that starts like this?.

  16. I can see how the wig would throw him off. Dude, you’d better make him pay or your anxiety will just increase.

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who engages in this type of banter in elevators. I’m such a showboat (complete with all you can eat buffet… wait, the double entendre behind all you can eat is gross but who cares – I’m leaving it in)

    motherbumper’s last blog post..Are you lookin’ at me?

  17. Am I the only one who, as a result of reading this conversation, now has Escape (The Pina Colada Song) running rampant about her brain?

    I am? Shit.

    Well then, while I’m revealing all, I may as well confess that I read this as I was wolfing down my scrumptious Kashi lunch, and very nearly aspirated a grain of barley.

    Also, a quick glance at the clock affirms that yes, I am now five minutes late fetching the kids from school.

    So, to summarize: heinous earworm. Near-death experience. And a fresh infusion of mother guilt.

    Your blog, it is a dangerous place for me.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon…

    mrs. f5’s last blog post..Countdown

  18. Made perfect sense to me. Reminded me of my daughter a few years back. She (at the time) still had pacifiers. My husband told her he was going to cut their tips off the next day because she was getting too big for them.

    Later, at T-ball, my daughter told everyone who’d listen…

    “Hi. How are you? My Daddy is going to cut my nipples off tomorrow.”

    Ow…’cuz that shit doesn’t grow back. Oh, but if it did that would be awesome!!!!

    Greta’s last blog post..Pick Your Favorite Body Part

  19. I’m starting to think there was no “gun” at all, just Victor running around in the back yard with his giggle stick in his hands making bang-bang noises and yelling things like “gotcha you little leprechaun!”, All to make you feel better about your hallucinations brought on by the trauma of having no wisdom teeth on top.

    MichaelTAdams’s last blog post..I watched MOVIES! and ate candy.

  20. Michael T said, “I’m starting to think there was no “gun” at all, just Victor running around in the back yard with his giggle stick in his hands making bang-bang noises and yelling things like “gotcha you little leprechaun!”

    Oh, dear. I suppose we’re lucky Victor wasn’t arrested for waving his “giggle stick” around at the leprechauns…

    Sayre’s last blog post..45 + 1 = me

  21. My husband just made me re-read The Yellow Wallpaper because he wanted me to do his homework. It’s just like a husband to insist you don’t need your meds. Only to cause you to go nuts by locking you in a room with ugly wallpaper to try to make you less crazy and then actually make you more crazy cause the wallpaper has a stupid design that you can’t help analyzing until you think you are trapped inside of it.

  22. I can only hope you were a little high when you chose to sell your wares in a tube top.

    Perhaps the tube top is contributing to your anxiety. Perhaps you should knit a tube top out of xanax, like a candy necklace. Then you could relax when you were all tarted up.

    I’m not high.

  23. Firstly, congrats on only TWO wisdom teeth to remove. That’s half the healing time in theory right? Secondly, you need to get bombed and post that way more often. Seriously.

    Allison’s last blog post..paper basket bouquet.

  24. Niiiiiiiiiiice!!! I frequently ask my husband “if the cream worked” and that brings on some classic looks, hee hee!

    Hope the steroids come to an end soon. Equally amusing.

    ooh, thanks for visiting me btw 🙂

    Nin’s last blog post..Isadora

  25. But at least you two aren’t as bad as the woman who accidentally slept with her brother-in-law claiming it was late at night and she thought it was her husband.

    Jacki’s last blog post..Doggy Haute Couture

  26. Is there any way you could turn this blog into a sitcom? Cuz it would so totally rock.

    Of course, it would have to be on cable. And it would probably be boycotted by the Parents Television Council. And you would probably wind up on “The Soup” at least every other week.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: sitting on top of the world

  27. I approve of your method if making strangers back off and I shall now claim it as my own. Though they may not believe Kara when she claims I look different without the wig and tube top.

    I don’t care if Victor fired the riot gun. I’m just so dog-gone happy he HAS a riot gun. I’m also happy he didn’t shoot any leprechauns … they aren’t in season.

  28. We used to do the ho/john thing and then we went the naughty school girl/teacher thing, but now we are older and lazy and we just do the caveman/cavegirl thing, because they didn’t bother much with grooming or foreplay and the whole deal took about a minute and a half. Wow, I can’t believe I am not posting this anonomously!

    clickmom’s last blog post..5 glimpses into today

  29. You guys sound almost exactly like us. Sometimes I think we’re a stand-up act, which is hard for people who don’t “get us” to understand!

    Carrie’s last blog post..Fast Forward

  30. Went to the doctor and apparently they don’t like to treat chronic sinusitis with any sort of muscle relaxant or narcotic. Fucking assholes. I need a new doctor.

    …So I’ll be needing you to mail me a few of everything you are taking. Do they mix well with vodka or should I just chop them up and snort them? I do have anti-biotics which should help build your resistence to infection. Let’s work out a trade.

    marnie’s last blog post..OMFG Paula Abdul is totally wearing fingerless gloves. Alert the authorities.*

  31. Do you wear clear heels with your wig and tube top? I do…especially if I’m working a really busy corner of my ‘hood. My favorite pair is done in an American flag motif and there is a space in the heels where I can fill them with water and let tiny goldfish swim around. Lately they’ve started to smell a little because my feet sweat what with all that plastic, but I just blame it on the fish. I’m saving up for a gold tooth which I hope will bring in more business from the mens…and maybe even a guest spot on HBO’s “Taxicab Confessions”. It could happen.

    AB’s last blog post..Public Schools, Guns & Money (with apologies to Warren Zevon)

  32. Myself and a friend do this often enough. A popular one was…

    “And Michael didn’t even realise she was a siamese twin!”

    “Hell, hadn’t they been dating for like 3 months?!”

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