Shit that shouldn't be published, part whatever

You know how some people are always like, “Oh, I wish I could fly” like that would be so kick-ass?  I bet it totally wouldn’t be.  I bet it’s like people in wheelchairs who are all “Oh, I wish I could run” and you’re like “Well I’ll tell you, it’s overrated.”  I once had to run a mile in junior high and I totally threw up all over the track.  I bet it’s like that if you’re a bird too.  Like, it looks all kick-ass and soary but really it’s hard and your boobs get in the way and later you hurt in places you didn’t even know existed.  Like your…I dunno…wing fingers. 

I wonder if birds ever throw up if they have to fly too much?  Don’t birds throw up into their babies mouths anyway?  I wonder if any of them ever get really sick and their babies are all “Don’t let that shit go to waste!” and the mama is like “NO, THIS IS REAL VOMIT.  I just flew a mile for fuck’s sake!  You don’t want to eat this.” 

PS. This post came from an extraordinarily large file titled “Shit that shouldn’t be published”. 

Aptly named.

Comment of the day:  I tried taking up running last year. I thought my iPod would be the perfect motivator, but I was too cheap to buy an actual case for it, so since I don’t have much in the form of boobs, I just put the iPod inside my sports bra. Now when I want to skip a song, it looks like I’m fondling myself. ~ Duchess Jane

96 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I love your twisted brain. We need to get drunk and have inappropriate conversations at a loud volume together.

    Nicole P.’s last blog post..Late To The Party Yet Again

  2. I used to have nightmares about the time of the year where we had to do the Pres. Physical Fitness exam in elem. school b/c they’d make you RUN A MILE. And I hated it with every ounce of my soul.

  3. it’s good to have an insurance policy.

    piglet’s last blog post..all the good names are taken

  4. I accept the fact that I cannot fly. But you know who really pisses me off? Those really smug birds, like pidgeons and parking lot grackles, who mock you because you can’t fly. You walk toward them, and they just walk away with that “Yeah you know I can totally fly, mutherf-” look on their faces. Their smug, smug little faces.

  5. That’s what I tell everyone about having kids. “Yeah, it looks like fun, but then you have to puke in their mouths to feed them”

    or something like that.

    ktjrdn’s last blog post..Kirtsy

  6. And yet… here it is.

    Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday – I’m a Jerk

  7. Of course you should know that you are probably the only blogger I read that swears in her posts. That makes me sound all goody-two shoes, now doesn’t it?

    But I can’t resist because you make me laugh so hard with your slightly tilted view of…everything.

    In fact, if your life was a pinball machine you’d have a constant “TILT” in bright red letters running across your sore breast and wing fingers, because baby, you soar with the best of them.

    OMSH’s last blog post..Grandpas

  8. OMSH, the very fact that your initials stand for “Oh My Stinking Heck” led me to that conclusion already and I have to say that I have special love in my heart for all the wonderful, non-cursing, conservative people who come here and laugh at me in spite of themselves.

    You guys fucking rock.

  9. I think you’ve got the beginnings of a Oprah’s Book Club book and could write the next ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’ with life lessons about vomit and all that.

    Alice’s last blog post..Vamp News Twilight Alert

  10. I was watching a guy in a wheelchair get off the bus today and once the bus driver got the hydraulic ramp down and unchained the guy’s wheelchair from the seats and I noticed everyone staring at him (yours truly included), even though you really shouldn’t, I was no longer thinking ‘wheeling yourself around and never having to stand up? I should cut off my own legs!’

    But then he was off the bus and zipped down the sidewalk twice as fast as I can run and I changed my mind.

    Erica’s last blog post..Art Project

  11. Maybe you hated running because you’ve been an out-of-shape person your whole life.

    How about you get your ass off the couch and go for a walk? Take a break from stuffing donuts and liquor down your maw and drink some water, eat something healthy and enjoy the outdoors.

    Just a suggestion…

  12. I told you, Dr. Fleischman, I don’t want to date you. Also, I’m allergic to donuts which you would know if you ever looked at my chart. You really are a horrible doctor. And please stop referring to yourself as “Rob”. You’re embarrassing both of us.

  13. No way – that definitely SHOULD have been published. When I run, my boobs hit me in the face. If I were to fly, I’m sure they would then, too. And then, after all that boob slinging, if I were to lie down on my back, I’m sure my boobs would be in my armpits like any good self-respecting woman’s.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..Gratuitous Sumo Photos

  14. I used to think if I could fly I’d have a better sense of direction, since I’d be seeing everything from above. Google Earth has cured me of that notion. I’d still get hopelessly lost. And then throw up.

    Robyn’s last blog post..Random Rainy Wednesday Musings

  15. i just threw up a little in my mouth at the idea of bird vomit.

    thank you for that.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..To J-bear on your 18th birthday

  16. You go girl! You know what, you are so right!

    It’s just like all those guys who want to have a va-jay-jay just so they can look at it all day long and get nothing done and then 28 days later the appeal is lost on them.

    Houston’s last blog post..Depressing

  17. Dude, bird fingers is the scientific term for wing-bone things. You’re smart.

    Robin’s last blog post..The Count loves to … what?

  18. hitting the pain meds again, are we??

    Biddy’s last blog post..a trip through the archives

  19. I just told somebody that my laptop died yesterday and that I got a little behind. Then I almost broke down and cried because the phrase “I got a little behind” didn’t mean I was banging a chick with a tight ass.

  20. You know, I was just talking about birds vomiting into their babies’ mouths with someone else yesterday! And yeah, still kinda gross, but not as bad as freaking owls who spit up owl pellets. Nasty.

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day!

  21. Get a refill.

    I believe the pharmacy even has a drive through.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..I’m All Out of Cute American Idol Titles

  22. My Shit That Shouldn’t Be Published File posts never have beginnings or endings. I’m impressed!

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..I’m going to go ahead and call it BrittCon

  23. I tried taking up running last year. I thought my iPod would be the perfect motivator, but I was too cheap to buy an actual case for it, so, since I don’t have much in the form of boobs, I just put the iPod inside my sports bra. Plenty of room! Now when I want to skip a song, it looks like I’m fondling myself.

    Jane’s last blog post..I’d name him Geoff. Or maybe Gerard. Yeah, Gerard.

  24. More like “shit that should be published because it’s flippin’h hilarious.”

    🙂

  25. I’m kinda with OMSH…you put a sailor to shame and yet, somehow, you manage to infuse your thoughts with enough humor, you totally get away with it. Anyone else? it’d just be Tarantino gratuitousness….

    As for me?

    I wish I could write like The Bloggess but really it’s hard and your boobs get in the way and later you hurt in places you didn’t even know existed.

    Robin’s last blog post..Turndown Service ~ Friday’s 40PC #3

  26. Jenny, you should never publish anything, because you suck are the best blogger on Earth. Then what would we read every morninging evening day? Remember, never forget the people who made you puke who you are today.

  27. “Shit that should be published in leather hardcover with archival paper pages trimmed in gold leaf.”

    Fuck yes.

    Ree’s last blog post..Meeting Mr. Hot

  28. Just thought you’d like to know, on the way here, I accidentally typed in “theboogess” into my browser .

    (lecture me later about shit like feed readers and favorites etc…I still do my interneting old school aw’ight?)

    Meanwhile, you should totally be The Boogess.

    Greta’s last blog post..Metrosexual Diet

  29. This is one among many posts that makes me glad there are other people like me in the world with weird streams of thoughts.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Dissing Your Dog

  30. I SWEAR that I’ve read this somewhere before…

    HAHAHA.

    I am your inspiration!

    Y’s last blog post..I Am Not Lying When I Say She is Very Dramatic.

  31. I threw up after a high school track meet, too. It’s what happens when you go to Catholic school and the art teacher is also your track coach. I TOLD him I wasn’t a distance runner. I should have puked on his shoes.

    rimarama’s last blog post..And Now I So Happy, I Do the Dance of Joy

  32. Also: WING FINGERS is one of the top ten funniest things in my life right now.

    Y’s last blog post..I Am Not Lying When I Say She is Very Dramatic.

  33. Baby, we were born to lounge.

    buddy ambergris’s last blog post..G*d and Einstein

  34. I think flew-too-much-vomit is a bonus in birdland. Like, hey – I don’t have to cook dinner tonight!

    Kimberly’s last blog post..In What Appears to be a Hair Pull by Jen Lancaster

  35. Damn, whiny baby birds – can’t a mamma bird get a little me time?

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..A Mother’s Dream

  36. I’m really beginning to believe that this blog can cure cancer.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..quirky

  37. Speaking of vomit: Is bird vomit more gross than people vomit? I mean, let’s be honest. Birds eat worms and bugs and people eat…well…not bug or worms. Cake, for example. Is cake vomit less disgusting than bug vomit? Or is this simply a case of bird prejudice and that even if you saw a bird eat a slice of very delicious chocolate cake and then run–or fly– a mile and then spew chunks all over the track at a local junior high campus…this would still be gross because we’re talking about birds and not people? Because, lady, I don’t tolerate any kind of bird profiling or bigotry. But, if you’re just saying that a throw up aftermath is really harsh to witness…then, yeah…I’m with you all the way.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..You Don’t Have to be Blonde to Play Me (Did that sound bad?)

  38. Boobs always get in the way, even if you don’t have them. Trust me. I know.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..In Memoriam

  39. You are your own special brand of Awesome.

    ali’s last blog post..Weekend (plus Monday) Discoveries

  40. I am so going to have to quit reading this at the office… It’s getting too hard to say “I’m laughing at this stupid phishing email scam, what did you think I was laughing at?” with a straight face…

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Hell’s Kitchen: Whining and Dining

  41. You know if laughter cures cancer, then like motherbumper said, this blog totally cures cancer.

    Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to add to this string. And actually, since I just seconded another commenter, then I have nothing to add at all. So this is really just a wasted comment. Move along move along, nothing to see here.

    Kylie’s last blog post..You ruined a funny joke, you.

  42. 42
    The Original Lisa

    Speaking of puke, what’s with all the puking on TV and movies all of a sudden? I mean really, it’s just nasty. If I really wanted to see someone hurl, I’m sure one of the short people in my house could oblige.

  43. Wow. You’ve left me rather speechless. And, I can now only picture the kid in the mall playground yesterday who yaked pink strawberry smoothie. Ugh.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..When it Ain’t Easy Being Green.

  44. But… I loved it and it made me laugh!

    Shades’s last blog post..Atypical

  45. Does it take you a long time to come up with these insane ideas, or are they just innate? lol

    Hottdog’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  46. You give me such confidence to write the “questions” that plague my brain.

    I love that you are in my world. Can we please be BFF rightthisminute??!!

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..My Medicated Mother’s Day

  47. Actually, I raise birds, and I can tell you from experience that they do actually throw up. I had left my cockatiel while I went on holiday and it stressed him very much..lol. When I got home, I was playing with him and I looked away for a minute and suddenly got pelted in the face with seeds and other stuff. Poor thing threw up. I couldn’t believe it!
    Anyway, you are hilarious and read your post every day.
    Take care
    Tory

  48. And PS–Did you ever notice how boobs can get in the way when you’re trying to play pool too?

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..My Medicated Mother’s Day

  49. why don’t birds fall from the sky when they die?

  50. Honestly, I have never wished I could fly. It looks scary as shit.

    Candy’s last blog post..More Effective than a Breathalizer

  51. Hee… I have a “shit I’m not allowed to blog about, lest I hasten my impending divorce” file. But that won’t stop me from throwing a hail mary plug for the husband to finally get that vasectomy I’ve been begging him to get. HELLO!

    manager mom’s last blog post..My Outsourced Motherhood

  52. I wish birds could actually talk. Then the babies that fell from our trees could have told us they were infested with weird licey bugs before they CRAWLED UP MY CHILDREN’S ARMS.

    Just sayin’.

    janet’s last blog post..You Gotta Have Friends

  53. It should also be filed under “Shit I Think About All the Time”.

    Arjewtino’s last blog post..Even online, high school reunions are awkward

  54. bird vomit! hilarious.

    Heather’s last blog post..The Skinny

  55. you are not right. Wanna come over for dinner?

    flutter’s last blog post..Connections

  56. Holy shit.

    Now I have new things to tell the kids about the bird nest in the back yard.

    You’re like the Science Channel, but cooler.

    ben’s last blog post..Hmm, was that thunder?

  57. I love you! How come you are always inside my brain and stuff, and then writing down the things I am thinking? It’s like magic.

    Faith’s last blog post..Things That Pop-Pop Taught Him

  58. So when will the rest of this file be available? You’ve taken vomit to a new level.

  59. You know what I love? I love that you are totally mad and 58 people will quickly come out and agree with anything you say. You are like, THAT COOL.

    I aspire to be as cool as you babe, oh and fly. That would be ‘soary’.

    Kelley’s last blog post..A Ninjariffic Mothers Day!

  60. Totally random, yet entertaining. How do you come up with this? I have been sitting here for 10 minutes thinking, what can I talk about?

    Eighty eight’s last blog post..Wine, cleavage, and psychological experiments

  61. Thanks for this. I now have burned into my brain the image of a top-heavy pigeon trying not to barf before her ass explodes all over my car.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..The Luckiest

  62. Please pass a tissue. Because I now have snot all over my dear computer. As it flew from my nose while reading this post. Please rename this file to “Shit I oughta post right away.” Because you oughta.

  63. Um…okay.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Prepare Your Ovaries…

  64. I wonder if birds do squats.

    Y’s last blog post..I Am Not Lying When I Say She is Very Dramatic.

  65. Oh – but it was priceless!
    I love the whole vomit spin out – I’m speechless…

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Blog? What Blog?

  66. Jenny, if you wrote this while sober, I’d like to see how your mind works after a few glasses of wine.
    Well, maybe not.

    shuttle mom’s last blog post..Fun in the Sun cont’d

  67. Running blows. Anything over a fast walk, unless one is being chased, is totally uncalled for. We should have evolved past that sort of nonsense by now.

    I really can’t comment on the bird vomit, though, since my son just wrote that his favorite meal I make is hot dogs.

    You should always publish stuff like this.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..A good day…

  68. but i still hear them walking in the trees: not speaking.
    waiting here, away from the terrifying weaponry, out of
    the halls of vapor and light, beyond holland into the
    hills,

    i have come too wound the autumnal city.
    so howled out for the world to give him a name.
    the in-dark answered with wind.

    buddy ambergris’s last blog post..eat me

  69. Are you getting enough sleep? Or, is it just nightmares again…*tosses over a voodoo pillow to chase the meanies away, or at least so you can poke ’em in the ass*

    The Pear Lady’s last blog post..Hey, I’m Alive!

  70. I totally bet birds throw up from flying too hard. Like in a thunderstorm? Jeepers.

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Just keep on going and have a good lunch

  71. Well I figure if they can shit while they’re flying…and we all know they do…. then they can vomit too

  72. and honey is just another word for Bee Vomit!

    Pamela’s last blog post..Sagging Naturally

  73. Wow…nature is really disgusting isn’t it? My boobs work also as a bookshelf…so flying with a bookshelf probably isn’t a good thing, lol.

    Jenn’s last blog post..If I Had A Million Dollars…

  74. fuckin hilarious

  75. You should just publish all your shit. I mean, at least the mental diarrhea kind. Not the other kind. That, I don’t need to see. After all, if I did, there’s always ratemypoo.com

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Friends

  76. …You had me at, …”I just flew a mile FOR FUCK’S SAKE

    Jenny, really, how does it feel knowing you are superiorly funny for fuck’s sake?

  77. Having trouble emailing you- get in touch, K?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..I’m All Out of Cute American Idol Titles

  78. One of our birds named “Cher” used to throw up in my hair all the time.

    Kevin Charnas’s last blog post..To Gong Or Not To Gong…

  79. Most of your posts…. I have no idea what to say in response to. This is just one of them.

    You are way too cool to be friends with me. Yet you are. Love ya!

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..The bricks that surround me…..

  80. I love a twisted mind.

    Dani’s last blog post..Sharks with frickin’ laser beams

  81. jenny,
    totally cool. just like the shit that clogs up my brain but i never got out into any public arena. I’ll buy you a drink in the local!

  82. You are really weird.

    I like it.

    Kat’s last blog post..The Goddaughter Goes 4H

  83. I threw up on the floor and let the cat eat it.

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..Kicking and screaming

  84. God, I love your blog! I just recently found it and I try to check it out as often as I can. You write like I WISH I could…but my mom reads my blog and even at 47 I’m a goody-two shoes (at least when she’s around).

    Don’t hate me, but I’m a runner. I don’t do it because I love it, though, I do it so I can drink wine and eat fried chicken. Not at the same time.

    esa’s last blog post..Cosmetic Dentist vs. Family Dentist

  85. Dude, I think you ate paint chips as a child. But like in a good way.

    Sunshine’s last blog post..Sorry This is Late, But…

  86. That post was worth writing just to get that great comment!

  87. So funny. xo–

  88. 88
    Cedarflame

    No, really, if you were in a wheelchair you would love to be able to get up and run and hurl.

  89. You’re probably right. I asked a friend who’s in a wheelchair and she said the same thing. Except for the hurling part.

  90. 90
    Cedarflame

    Wait I asked a friend in a wheelchair and she said even the hurling part. Great my friend is not only in a wheelchair she may also have an eating disorder.

  91. Birds don’t throw up – they poop on my head when they have to fly too much.

    I promise you.

  92. How the hell did you just make suicide so funny?

    Heidi’s last blog post..When in doubt – eat it

  93. I love visiting here. I can honestly say I have never heard the phrase, “it looks all kick-ass and soary” before. I am going to try to work it into a sentence everyday this week.

    Is it me or Heidi that is commenting on the wrong post? I am too lazy to figure it out.

    HRH’s last blog post..Park place…

  94. Dude, you rock. I bow down to your rockness.

    Chris in Happy Valley’s last blog post..Workingman’s Blues Revisited

  95. This is the funniest thought process of someone’s brain. I was DYING! Well…obviously not literally, but for a few seconds I couldn’t breath.

  96. Joliet NHRA and Musical Motorcycle Musings…

    Another weekend, another racing adventure with Dano.  Y’all getting sick of this yet? The last dozen or so items on my 101 in 1001 list (which I will be updating shortly with a LOT of completions) all involve attending sporting events from major…

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