This is not a cry for help

in I am totally overrated, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, phoning it in, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

Xanax, a glass of wine and a long hot bath: the perfect accidental suicide way to end the day.

PS.  Why is it that some people kill themselves and don’t leave notes?  It’s not like you’re in a hurry or anything.  If I were to kill myself I would totally leave a note (unless I was in terrible pain from a cheetah attack) so if I die and there isn’t one then probably someone murdered me.  I bet if I did write a suicide note it’d probably have a typo in it and I wouldn’t see it until right before the poison hit and I’d be all “Oh shit, wait..is that how you spell ‘repugnant’?  Because that looks wrong” and that would totally be my last thought.  I should look up repugnant now just to be on the safe side.

PPS.  Speaking of misspellings, whenever I spellcheck my post and I don’t have typos my blog is like “DING!  You Don’t Have Any Misspellings!” like it’s all shocked that I actually spelled shit right for once.  It makes me feel kind of proud and insulted all at the same time.

*****************************

In totally non-suicide-related news. Hubba Bubba is just not even trying anymore:

glop.jpg

Way to phone it in, Hubba Bubba.

Comment of the day: The best way to off yourself would be to do it in some remote place. But then just before you take the big sleep come up with some super cool scavenger hunt and mail it to someone you really don’t like and promise them there would be a big prize at the end. Ta-da, it’s YOU! That would be the best last laugh in the history of the world. Not that I’m saying you should do that, but it would be totally awesome.

P.S. If you ever send me a scavenger hunt I’ll be totally on to you.

P.P.S. I had GLOP for dinner last night. It was supposed to be nachos. Either way, yummy. ~The Original Lisa

Alternate) comment of the day: So, if you overdosed on Xanax and wine in the bath, would that be OD’ing? Or drowning? And if a cheetah attacked you WHILE you were going under, what would THAT be? Because that stuff is really important to know. I mean, it goes on your death certificate and in the Wikipedia article about you. And “Cheetah Attack while Drowning due to Overdose” is way too long to be on a death certificate.   I think I would have to set up some kind of Rube Goldberg contraption in order to off myself. Something like, you know, a ball rolls down a ramp made of Legos and hits a mouse in the butt which startles the mouse and makes it run on a wheel which powers a lighter where the flame burns through a piece of string that is attached to a mallet which knocks a toaster into the bathtub. Something like that. Because how awesome would that look on a death certificate?

Cause of Death: Rube Goldberged ~jm

81 thoughts on “This is not a cry for help”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. That’s why you should always commit suicide with a gun. No chance you can either chicken out OR have your last thought be repugnant. BTW, is me bringing up “repugnant” redundant?

  5. You don’t leave a note if you are faking an accidental death to give you family the life insurance payout.

    You know the worst part about the glop is I know in August I am going to be suckered into buying it and end up eating it.

  10. Damn it. You are in my head woman. I just realised that I didn’t spell check my last post. I know some arsehat is gunna jump in between now and when I go back and check and be all ‘that is not how you spell that Kelley’ and ‘here you go again with the desecration of the English language’ and I will have to go and have a bath…

    But I will be sure to write a note first. And spell check it.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Dunno what to call this, what about Kelley loses her shit again..

  12. Hubba Bubba? My kids love it. Eeew.

    That said… The recipe for a perfect night’s sleep? One too many with the neighbors. You know… Today was the first ‘good’ day since early October. Oh, and the police stopped by to tell us to ‘keep it down.’ Such rebels we are… In the suburbs.

    Oy.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Mark your calendars…

  14. Hey, maybe the poison could be in the gloppy Hubba Bubba? Awesome to go out blowing a ginormous bubble. That would make the papers.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..The music

  15. it is interesting that you chose poison. an old college acquaintance killed himself two months ago. left a very detailed 2 page note. I for one completely appreciated the explanation.
    i just worry about leaving the apartment clean.

    buddy ambergris’s last blog post..Good News down there.

  20. If you ever do cry for help, be sure you have plenty of Xanax on hand. I’ll bring the wine.

  23. Honestly, a coworker called to check on me since I didn’t come in. I promised her I wouldn’t kill myself until I got a chance to kiss the hot secretary. She said “OK, good”.

  26. Death by cheetah is a good way to disguise a suicide. Kind of like jumping in front of a train. “What, she didn’t commit SUICIDE! She was killed by a TRAIN!” It doesn’t matter that you totally threw yourself in front of it. It’s the trains fault for not stopping!

    I could never commit suicide just spur of the moment. I’d have to clean out my house of things I’d be mortified if my parents found. I mean, I know I’d be dead and all, but…still. There is just some reading material they don’t need to know about!

    Also, just think, if you DIDN’T leave a note people would be forced to think about you FOREVER. They’d be all “hmm, I wonder WHY? Or, what did I do?!” If you left a note, that would be that. It would be all, “Oh, she was just crazy, I get it. Next.”

    Xanax is my best friend.

    js’s last blog post..Indecent Exposure

  27. I’m with myocardia up there: gotta go with shooting myself. My dad and I have actually discussed our preferred way of offing ourselves and we went with that because it seems to be the most permanent. And remember when it was a fight to the death between Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious? I always wanted them to thrown down while I was waiting for mum to check out.

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..The New Iris Uber Alles 2008!

  28. Hmm. . . maybe you should write a suicide note and keep it handy in case you decide to do it on a whim. Wait no, then I wouldn’t have ultra funny posts to read. You so should NOT kill yourself. ‘kay?!?!

    wright’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – 100 Things

  30. I. Am going to piss myself laughing. So if I die and there’s no note, it’s Jenny’s fault.

  32. Xanax? Bubblebath? C’mon – nothing about you is that straight-lined-thinking, even for offing yourself.

    I see you hijacking a hot air balloon and braiding fireworks into your hair. But accidentally getting those ‘worm’ fireworks that just sizzle black and ooze sludge. And then you’d be bald and burned, but alive. And then you’d cross the country screaming things like “holy motherfucker! My scalp!” from your balloon.

    But also? No note.

    And also? Noooooooooooooooooooo! You rob the world of Jenny and there will be dire consequences.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..It’s in Leviticus Somewhere, Next to the Sins of Polymer Fabric

  33. I hear FOX is getting ready to film the pilot for a new reality show, in which random people get clawed to death by ferocious, felonious felines. The show is called “Cheetahs!”, and supposedly the pilot is to be filmed in a suburb just to the south of Houston.

    Is there anything you want to tell us now, Jenny?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Flower Power

  35. Hopefully you’d write a really good long farewell blog post before doing it. Poison doesn’t taste good! You should totally pick something else. Not that I’ve tasted poison, but I can imagine.

    And Hubba Bubba just doesn’t want to get sued later by anyone who wasn’t fairly warned that they were eating glop.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Glad I Ran Friday

  39. So, if you overdosed on Xanax and wine in the bath, would that be OD’ing? Or drowning? And if a cheetah attacked you WHILE you were going under, what would THAT be? Because that stuff is really important to know. I mean, it goes on your death certificate and in the Wikipedia article about you. And “Cheetah Attack while Drowning due to Overdose” is wayyyyy too long to be on a death certificate.

    jm’s last blog post..My Public Shame

  40. Okay, I’m thinking about this too much. I think I would have to set up some kind of Rube Goldberg contraption in order to off myself. Something like, you know, a ball rolls down a ramp made of Legos and hits a mouse in the butt which startles the mouse and makes it run on a wheel which powers a lighter where the flame burns through a piece of string that is attached to a mallet which knocks a toaster into the bathtub.

    Something like that.

    Because how awesome would that look on a death certificate?

    Cause of Death: Rube Goldberged

    jm’s last blog post..My Public Shame

  41. So are you in danger of a cheetah attack? Would a pocket dictionary be a good thing to have on a hike, in case you were bitten by a poisonous snake and needed to leave a not before the venom kicked in?

    These are the questions this post raised for me, after I could breathe again, of course.

    And I think Hubba-Bubba has been phoning it in for awhile now – ever since the bubble-tape debacle back in the 80s. Where is Bazooka Joe when you need a bubblegum hero?

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Ludicrous Beauty

  42. The best way to off yourself would be to do it in some remote place. But then just before you take the big sleep come up with some super cool scavenger hunt and mail it to someone you really don’t like and promise them there would be a big prize at the end. Ta-da, it’s YOU! That would be the best last laugh in the history of the world. Not that I’m saying you should do that, but it would be totally awesome.

    P.S. If you ever send me a scavenger hunt I’ll be totally on to you.

    P.P.S. I had GLOP for dinner last night. It was supposed to be nachos. Either way, yummy.

  43. Dear Blogess,
    You just helped a potential future murderer get away with it by writing a fake suicide note a la Heathers. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, she SAID if she killed herself, she’d write a note. Ergo, if she wrote a note, she killed herself. The defense rests, your honor.”
    Maybe this comment will be evidence to the contrary.
    HTH,
    Anne

    Anne’s last blog post…wait, there is none! I forgot my password and can’t figure out how to get back in.

  44. Holy crap, people. These fucked-up, hysterical comments make me just want to lick all of you. Just the top half though. The bottom half is immoral and makes Jesus cry. The bottom half of you, that is. Not the bottom half of these comments.

    Actually they bottom half of these comments too.

  46. If you won’t lick the bottom half of us, would you please at least give us a crotch concussion? Is that asking too much?

    Ass.

  48. Oooo Hubba Bubba..

    It tells me that I don’t misspell, but then I have like you’re and your mixed up. I have NEVER had a perfect post. I got denied from this site I wanted to work with called socialspark.com. They said I didn’t write clear and has too many misspelled words. I wanted to just say “fuck you” but I took the high road.

    Would you write a NOTE or a blog post?

    mp’s last blog post..First Things First..and my moving response

  49. I’d write both…a note and a blog post. But I’d have to work on it for days and by the time I was happy with it I probably wouldn’t want to kill myself anymore. But then I wouldn’t want the post to go to waste so maybe I would anyway.

    I guess it just depends on how good a blog post it was.

    Also, Ali? You’re kidding with me, right? Who hasn’t heard of Hubba Bubba?

  50. Committing suicide via cheetah is the best. thing. I’ve. ever. HEARD!

    Only slightly better would be if you were eating Cheetos when you threw yourself at the cheetah.

    Delicious and deadly.

    Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s last blog post..Revelations

  51. OK. I just wrote a really funny (scoff) post and I hit a key and made it disappear. OK what I was saying was this: Don’t you love how sick all your readers are? I’m jealous. I wish they would come over and leave snarky and hilarious comments on my blog, but then again I’m not as funny as you are and they’d be all bored with my rants about Hispanics reading English and stuff like that. OH and I love the reminder of the Hubba Bubba-Bubbalicious war. I think I remember that! I’m a ’80s child.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Growing up with Tamales

  53. Obviously you haven’t tried my nachos Jennifer. Gloppy and delicious.

  54. You are a riot. I would absolutely write a note. I mean, if you’re going to all the trouble to commit suicide, it would be such a bummer if people mistakenly thought you were maybe murdered and then you would be the subject of a Dateline mystery episode and you would want to explain to everyone and clear everything up but unfortunately, you would be dead so you can’t.

    so yeah, i would totally write a note.

    the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..the elephant who loves volkswagens

  55. i wish i could come up with something snarky and clever like the others but alas, i cannot. perhaps i need a xanax and some wine and a bath. oh wait. i’m sober now. what a fun time THAT would be. heh heh heh. with that lovely cocktail, i wouldn’t even have time for a note… 🙂

    shell’s last blog post..another conversation with my mother.

  56. Re Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s idea about Cheetos: In my house, the two are often confused. Cheetos are called Cheetahs, and “Cheetahs are dessert” (because they aren’t healthy food, and apparently there are only two categories of edibles) — which begs the question: if Cheetahs ARE dessert, what does that make what they eat? And you want to know this if you’re contemplating being eaten by one, obviously.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Green Up Your Thumb, part 1

  57. i didnt know what hubba bubba was. i thought it might be like that gum from the 70s “freshen up” that squirt when you bit into it. we called in cum gum. can i say that on your blog?

    vagina.

    always buddy’s last blog post..Good News down there.

  59. What is with all the references to Xanax? Is your blog secretly sponsored by Upjohn? That would probably be a pretty effective marketing scheme, actually. But then you could blackmail them by threatening to reveal their unethical advertising practices. Maybe you should talk about alprazolam so you seem less biased. Also not like one of those kooky old ladies who says things like “I’m not allergic to penicillin, only the generic.”

  60. Xanax is not my secret sponsor and I do not endorse it even though I love it and it makes me invisible and also thin. (Xanax, please send me money.)

  63. I would not leave a note. That way anyone I ever knew would sit around wondering if they were part of the problem. If I left a note and forgot to mention someone that hurt me then they might think they were off the hook. Oh wait, is that even what people say in notes? Or do they say it isn’t anyone’s fault? Now I can’t do it because I don’t even know what a good note says! But I’d totally be the type to leave the blaming kind.

    uh…How obvious is it that I am in need of some serious attention here?

    clickmom’s last blog post..manly

  67. Okay if you OD on Xanax and Wine in the bath, then you drown…. which actually reminds me of a conversation I was having with my youngest. I am have been trying to teach him what drowning means, ya know, as encouragement to SWIM!!!

    Anyway, I said do you know what happens if you drown? He said, “Yes, I will sink down and a shark will eat me.” After I stopped laughing, I tried again…. He was stuck on death by sharks. Is that accidential suicide too?

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..The greatest love and the biggest heartbreaks

  68. I actually just read something the other day that talked about suicides and notes. Apparently a large percentage of suicides do NOT leave notes. The piece I read then went on to theorize that the suicide IS the statement, notes are for people who kinda hope they fuck up and someone saves them. That way they have a note to explain why they tried and they don’t have to talk about it.

    This comment wasn’t funny at all. Unless you find suicide attempts and cries for help funny.

    Do you?

    Cause I do.

    MichaelTAdams’s last blog post..Troy and Mike Show!

  71. If you drown via death by sharks, try to get with the Nemo sharks…they have a 12 step program. I heard step #10 is to let you write a note.

    OMSH’s last blog post..Full Throttle

  72. I won comment of the day?!?! I’ll be waiting by my mailbox for my crown and sceptre.

  74. Come on now, all of us here write about our lives for a bunch of strangers in the world to know every.detail.of.our.lives. I don’t believe anyone who says they would not leave a note.

    And my daughter has a friend who makes her invisible – top that, Xanax!

    Kylie’s last blog post..Acrylic Revealed!

  75. I love how when prescribing xanax or any drug from the benzo family, Doctors say that you really shouldn’t be drinking while taking this, blah blah blah. It’s like hello, drinking HELPS with the anxiety. Duh.

    Heather B.’s last blog post..Familia

  77. i used to work with this guy who lived near the edge. the kind of guy who would have his last goodbye tattoed on body parts jenny wouldn’t lick. i asked him one friday about his weekend plans and he said he was going to take viagra and xtacy. he wasn’t sure what the results would be, but knew enough not to make other plans.
    how do you think that would mix with a cheetah? yeah, i’m thinkin’ one more rockin’ party that i will never be cool enough to get invited to.
    you realize my computer just said dude, wtf, XTACY?? ding.

  78. This is the funniest comment in this whole thread so I’m reposting it in case any of you missed it so you can pee in your pants like I just did………

    [ see you hijacking a hot air balloon and braiding fireworks into your hair. But accidentally getting those ‘worm’ fireworks that just sizzle black and ooze sludge. And then you’d be bald and burned, but alive. And then you’d cross the country screaming things like “holy motherfucker! My scalp!” from your balloon. ]

  79. Itook azanax adn 1/2 andsomeine(lik a bottle.STillhere. uh,whatwill it taketo not wakeup?

  80. Hey. You didn’t leave an email so I’m responding here. I’m really hoping this is spam but if not, don’t do it. I’ve been there and it sucks but it *does* get better, I promise. Call a doctor or a counselor or the suicide helpline. They can help you. They’ve helped me.

  81. Bored, sick, and so having my own personal thebloggess marathon reading session. Mmmm …you just forecast Whitney Houston’s death here. Nastrabloggess?

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