Another tiny sasquatch sighting!

So apparently a plane flew over this uncontacted Amazon tribe to take pictures of them and to not contact them at all except to scare the shit out of them and possibly give them untreatable Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  But that isn’t the big news.  This is the big news:

 Bingo.  The second tiny sasquatch sighting in one week.  I think God is trying to tell me something.  Possibly that I’m being punished for letting Hailey play with the tiny Jesus action figure I bought as a joke.  I totally told her it was Jesus though so I should get points for that.  Not my fault that she’s under the impression that Jesus is a superhero who can fly and uses “his accessories” to deflect lazer beams shot at him from the Wonder Pets. 

Clarification:  When I say “his accessories” I mean his tiny plastic bowl filled with miniature loaves and fishes which…actually is pretty funny.  Very clever, tiny-Jesus-producers.  I bet when you read “his accessories” you thought I meant his ballsack.  I would never talk about Jesus’ ballsack, people.  It’s called “decorum”.  I have a little.

PS.  This is where I lose all of my new Christian readers.  I know.  You’re all “You don’t have any Christian readers” but yeah, I actually do.  This super popular Christian guy wrote about me and now The Bloggess keeps showing up on Christian blogrolls wedged between “For His Glory” and “The Lord, He is risen”.  It’s shocking and awesome.  Much like one of the Christian blogs that I clicked on that had a bunch of dead baby pictures.  Which was not actually awesome at all.  Just horribly, horribly disturbing.  But now that I think about it, in comparison to the dead baby pictures this blog is probably not so shocking to Christians.  Except for the tiny sasquatch stuff.  That shit is mind-blowing.

Comment of the day is from super awesome Christian guy who not only is not offended by Jesus’ ballsack, he even sent me this.

WTF, indeed.

130 thoughts on “Another tiny sasquatch sighting!

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Yet again your powers of observation astound me.

    And I would talk about jesus’s ballsack. I hope you won’t hold it against me. The conversation, not the ballsack.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Snotty Sobs

  2. Oh thank you! Why didn’t I know anything about this?

    I’d buy a Jesus action figure for my son. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. I remember when they released Buddy Christ in the movie Dogma, I think the idea is cool. I’d get myself a buddy Christ if I have the chance.

    Great, great journal by the way.

  3. In this post, you got “Jesus’ ballsack” very close to your “tiny Sasquatch.” I don’t know whether you’re going to burn in Hell or give birth to the next Messiah. Is anybody else still reading this, or have we chased them all away with the fear of being struck down by a lightning bolt?

  4. So I just heard my husband laughing hysterically to himself, and I’m like, “WTF? Is he cheating on me!?” and it turns out, he is.
    With the Bloggess. And her website. It’s his newest source of enjoyment, humor and happiness.
    This is the best post ever written by a husband stealer.
    Jesus is saying to you, “Repent, Jenny.”

    Elle’s last blog post..Growing Pains

  5. It was Brody Harper. Never heard of him before but he sent me a slew of people although the vast majority stayed for less than 30 seconds and bolted so that probaby says something.

  6. You won’t loose them as readers- They’ll just come back to see why they need to pray for you today, and tomorrow, and so on….

    It could actually increase your traffic!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Accomplished!

  7. I can’t beleive I missed the Jesus action figure! Up here we have an independent television network, on one of their many weird channels, they have a show called Bibleman, starring Willie Aames, from Charles in Charge. It’s surreal. If you get Bibleman in your town, you should totally check it out. I’m positive there’s a blog post in there somewhere, but a) I’m just not quite clever enough and 2) I don’t want to go to Hell.

    Melody’s last blog post..Busier than a one-legged man…

  8. I’m a children’s pastor and I read novels about medieval clansmen who kidnap English ladies and have energetic, er, tea and crumpets with them. What’s my excuse?

    And I totally want that action figure.

    Robyn’s last blog post..The Winnah!

  9. dude – it is only a matter of time before that tiny ‘quatch is in your closet or some shit, trying to steal your shoes. Mark my words.

    qt’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday

  10. That is obvs. a tiny Godzilla, not a sasquatch. Also, how appropriate to your tiny-Jesus talk. Tiny God(zilla).

    I never comment here anymore. Or blog much. But I still love you. I thought of you when, yesterday, the lady at the pizza place reached for my card, realized she was already holding it, then leaned over and whispered to me, “RETARDED! Me retarded, not you retarded.” Which I think should be my new catch phrase:

    “Me Retarded, not You Retarded”

    ps: Marnie and I are thinking of joining a religious sect and becoming Jesus Sisters. You should join us. Oh yeah. Three-way sects.

    melissa’s last blog post..I miss you, sometimes.

  11. We’ve got the Jesus action figure, and the Einstein action figure. I love watching the kids duke it out with them – we don’t go to church, and we rarely discuss physics with the kids, so I figure they are evenly matched, yo.

    Velma’s last blog post..Say No To Pixie Rights!

  12. the tiny sasquatch, as you so callously refer, is the Amazonian tribe’s version of the M1A1 Abrams tank, rolled out to attack the big hovering bird in the sky. and you scoff !!

    haha. popping over from Mrs G’s blogroll. so glad I did. thanks for finishing off my evening with a big laugh!

    and now, to read about your first sasquatch sighting.

    phd in yogurtry’s last blog post..just got my jane austen fix

  13. Scary thing is, when you said his accessories I am all ‘SHOOOOOES! He comes with SHOOOOOES!’ And I am picturing some awesome boots like in Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

    And just like a man to pack fish with the bread. I mean, shit, will they ever learn? You pack the fish separately. Damn Emo Jesus baggers at the supermarktet.

    Yeah, I know, straight to hell…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Tiny hands

  14. Now Now darling! Stop picking on the Christians! Some of my NICEST friends are Christians! Funny you should post this, my dh was raving on about this yesterday and I did not believe him! Will have to go and check it out now! Is it perhaps a bunch of lost Mayans? That would really make his day! Now the tiny sasquatch may just make mine! LOL!

    Karisma’s last blog post..Wasn’t Me!

  15. it’s shit like this that reminds me anew of my simultaneous seething envy of/blinding love for the jenny. (and, ftr, jesus probably didn’t even *have* a ballsack. i mean, he was JESUS. which i’ve always assumed was synonymous with “eunuch.”)

    (but then, my people also taught me that some dude from the bible flew to heaven in a chariot, and that? is not necessarily much further-fetched than jesus as eunuch. or, possibly, even less. i’m confused. heck. what do i know? i’ve been drinking water all evening that i just turned from wine, which sounds totally stupid, only it’s stupid-BRILLIANT, since i left in the alcohol. see? *genius*.)

    jesus loves the tiny sasquatch and you!

    lildb’s last blog post..telephone game.

  16. Shock and awesome? With that kind of tagline, you could totally fit in with the religious right. And with Toby Keith.

    Bigfoot is totally real, you know. (Of course you do. And now we have proof.)

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..…But now I’m found

  17. you know that song “I like dreamin'” well for some odd reason I can’t get this out of my head:

    “I like Jesus, cause Jesus can make me wine”

    I’m a heathen.

    Maggie’s last blog post..Poetry Friday – Rain

  18. What about all you OLD Christian readers? And by “old” I don’t mean over 40…

    Honey, we’re stuck to you like stink on skunk, so if you’re tryin’ to lose Christian readers, you’re gonna have to come up with something better than that talking about Jesus’ anatomy or his miracles…. He invented both, remember ;).

    Robin’s last blog post..I’m toast if she finds out I posted this, so let’s keep this our little secret ~ Project Blue, #2

  19. I call B.S. on the “uncontacted” tribe. I swear I saw one of those red guys buying a bunch of belts at Neiman Marcus a couple of weeks ago.

  20. Amen. Some of my best friends and most of my family (the ones who aren’t Athiests and Buddhist) are Christians and by some flexible definitions I am too. (Most) Christians are cool. And many (praise God) have a fabulous sense of humor and are not offended by Jesus’ ballsack. In fact, they even revere it. Which is odd but, you know, who am I to judge? I’m just the girl seeing miniature sasquatches everywhere.

    Secondly, if they had had a black Jesus action figure I totally would have bought it but sadly, the store I bought it at was run by the KKK. Or maybe there was a rush on the black Jesus’s. I don’t know.

    Third, I have to believe that God that has a terrific sense of humor because I don’t know that I want to go to a heaven that doesn’t have David Cross and Eddie Izzard. Although, I probably wouldn’t want to go to a burning, torturous hell with them either. Maybe a nice pergatory with Bill Cosby? That wouldn’t be so bad. Young, funny Bill Cosby though. Not old, crazy Bill Cosby.

  21. I know they make a dashboard Jesus but a figurine with accessories? I’m sure if my child had this figurine, she would spend her days trying to see if Jesus had a ballsack.

  22. Will you please start sending photos RIGHT AWAY to all the very fine sasquatch sighting organizations I provided links for on the last post? Preferably BEFORE you clean your camera lens and the “tiny sasquatch” smudge disappears forever. Or before your MAGIC EYES, which can spot sasquatch everywhere, get glasses or some other mundane thing? Thank you.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..The Good, the Bad, and the Prom-y

  23. I totally submitted my initial sasquatch sighting to two of the organizations you sent me. Surprisingly I’ve received no follow-up calls from investigators.

  24. you know if you would use that brain in your head lady, you would realize you have a blessing. have you taken a second and pondered the untapped market that is sasquatch on sasquatch porn?

    seriously. there is not a single movie featuring sasquatch on sasquatch action.

    get down on it (as Kool and his gang would advise you to do… well, if you really want it)

    furiousBall’s last blog post..Picassofonz

  25. Go to Hell. Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200.00

    I guess I’ll be saving seats at the bar for everyone since I thought it was funny that you have a post about Jesus’ man-bits and you sneak in “The Lord, He is risen”.

    Ooooh, I love me some Eddie Izzard!

    Catizhere’s last blog post..He’s going to hate me

  26. Ah Jenny. What would the internet do without you?
    Thanks for the giggles.
    I have no idea who that Brody? guy is, but I’m a Christian and I adore you. Personally, I think you’re hysterical and witty and real and if people don’t get that… well. Hmph.

    One of my favorite sayings ever: ‘It’s not God I have a problem with, it’s some of his fan clubs.’

    ’nuff said.

    Tiny Sasquatch, Jesus Action figure… your Google Searches must be hysterical.

    rachel’s last blog post..Tonguegasmically Good Enchiladas Verdes

  27. I’m wondering if tiny sasquatch sightings are actually one of the seven signs of the apocalypse – perhaps a latter amendment or something. Four horsemen, tiny sasquatch, etc. I think I might be onto something here.

    If a painting of Jesus were to feature a tiny sasquatch, the end would certainly be nigh.

    MsPrufrock’s last blog post..Music Monday: Nostalgia

  28. You have at least one Christian that reads your blog “religiously”…just b/c we believe in Jesus doesn’t mean we don’t know how to laugh! 🙂

  29. I’m a Christian and the only thing that offended me about this post was your slander of the Wonder Pets. They would NEVER shoot laser beams at Jesus. They’d get in the flyboat and go get him down off that cross.
    (wonder pets, wonder pets, we’re on our way
    to help the Baby Jesus and save the day…)

  30. A super-sized Jesus action figure? Does that come with fries and a 48-ounce Coke?

  31. Let’s all say it together…”Super Popular Christian Guy”.. ha ha… I’m honored. No offending being done here. Also no pictures of dead babies. That’s really creepy.

    I think we are most likely on the same page about a lot of things. Especially that creepy thing in the picture.

    Brody’s last blog post..Positive Post Tuesday

  32. Personally, I think Jesus gets mighty vexed at those of his humorless followers who would like to pretend he didn’t have a…uh…package. Verily I say to you that Jesus was was not a eunuch. However, that sasquatch has a vicious “smiting” expression on his face and he’s looking in your direction. And lo, you should be sore afraid.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Pardon My Ennui

  33. I lost all my Christian readers last week when I posted the Jesus Light Switch with Jesus sharing his wang with children. But, he was doing it LOVINGLY, so that makes it all better. Or maybe it was because I said I don’t believe in God.

    Either way, apparently I’m going to Hell.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Mooching Monday – Take One

  34. Jesus’s ballsack? Seriously one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. And aside from the tiny sasquatch in the picture (which is obviously real), the dudes painted red and woman (maybe?) painted black totally reek of Krippendorf’s Tribe.

    Missy’s last blog post..Socks

  35. I am lollerskating all over my own little section of Hell here… Which just froze over immediately following your mentioning of Jesus’ marriage tackle.

    …And the neighbors just informed me I should set you up with some sort of “welcome” basket. Fucking neighbors in Hell – never do their share of the welcome to Hell (in a) handbaskets.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..Plague?

  36. A super-sized Jesus action figure? Does that come with fries and a 48-ounce Coke?

    Get caught bringing 48 ounces of coke into this country, and you will probably fry for it.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..This is your brain…

  37. Get caught bringing 48 ounces of coke into this country, and you will probably fry for it.

    Jesus’ ballsack will protect me.

  38. Oh my god, girl – you make me laugh so hard!
    I love that you’re on Christian blogrolls – that ought to blow at least a couple of minds right out of the water. I want a Jesus action figure – where can I get one? Oh, and decorum – can I order that through Amazon? Does it come in a refill as well, because I’m thinking I’m going to blow right through a case of it right off.

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Well Look Who Just Crawled In

  39. And I thought by “his accessories” you meant things the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy would carry around. Is that show still on? Would Jesus ever be a guest on it?

    andrea’s last blog post..The Overanalyzer

  40. I am a Christian and although I imply a lot of joke about your (Danger Zone), I find you too dang funny.

    Or am I just trying to butter you up so I am get to grilling some sazqutatch sesquat BIGFOOT on the grill!

    Seasoned with Furiousball’s BBQ flavored lubricant of course.

    Houston’s last blog post..What Is Sadie Writing?

  41. I love it!! You’d better watch out for the pissed off Christians! Hey, where can I get a Jesus action figure? Maybe if I buy one for my daughter she’ll stop asking me if she can go to church! LOL

    Christy’s last blog post..Sauce And Bytes

  42. As many have mentioned before me, I am strongly in support of the Jesus, and I gotta tell you – God thinks stuff’s funny.

    Plus, I’d have been way more offended by the dead babies than anything I’ve ever seen here. Except that tiny sasquatch. That’s just wrong.

  43. Um…I posted a few posts ago about an unfortunate evening wherein I consumed several glasses of wine too many and insulted a priest in front of three other priests.

    THE NEXT DAY I accidentally ran over a frigging BIRD. A robin or something. I’ve nailed my fair share of squirrels, and those little buggers are usually asking for it, but who runs over a bird? Is that some Seventh Sign shit or something?

    Manager Mom’s last blog post..Little Shop Of Horrors

  44. Jennifer … you know you’re going to Hell, right? We’ll save you a seat at the bar.

  45. When you said accessories I really thought Jesus came with a purse and a scarf!

    I love that the little sasquatch/prairie dog (I still think it’s a prairie dog) turned up to haunt you again! How cute is that??

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Crazy Week Synopsis

  46. Repent, sinner!

    (I honestly cannot believe no one has said that here yet. Weeeeellll, I kind of scanned comments #234234 through #234234256, so I could be wrong.)

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..She’s okay.

  47. Something I’ve never told you…..I am a Pastor’s wife. And I’ve taught children’s church for almost 25 yrs. And I enjoy reading your wacky posts. OMG! Does this mean I’m going to burn in hell?

    shuttle mom’s last blog post..Are you ready for summer?

  48. Holy toledo! Found you by way of the “super popular Christian guy.” Too dang funny. You crack me up.

  49. Oh my, dear Bloggess, you made a Pastor’s wife read about Jesus’ ballsack! The end is surely upon us.

  50. I suggest you hide under your desk. That’s what they always did in those 1950’s educational videos. Also, remember to tuck your head in between your legs. That helps keep out nuclear waste and would probably protect you from the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse.

  51. I bought a case of bubbles once (meaning the containers, not just a very fragile case of bubbles) because they were branded “Religious Bubbles”. I loved handing them out to people and didn’t once get struck by lightning for my sacrilege.

    jennie’s last blog post..Little Momma Meggie, v.2

  52. Oh! That tiny sasquatch needs a sandwich. I kind of want to catch it and nurse it back to health in a shoe box. And then it slowly regains its strength and then eats my face off.

    This is the way with tiny sasquatches.

  53. Um…I’m a Christian and I don’t joke about Jesus’ balls either. I don’t even think about his “accessories”. I’ve only got one man’s balls on my mind – and last I heard he hasn’t mastered the art of resurrection, nor can he feed five thousand with just a few fish and loaves of bread.

    Off to read about the rare uncontacted tribe, b/c wow…THAT is cool.

    And? YOU are weird…quite possibly that’s why I have a special affinity for ya.

    OMSH’s last blog post..ch-ch-ch-chimnea

  54. Jesus has many accessories, the least of which is his ball sack. Which is not to say that Jesus’ ball sack is not impressive, not that i’ve seen it, but I would wager it’s pretty good. Probably glows or something. He is half deity and stuff. Although maybe his ball sack comes from his mom’s side of the family… Then it would just be, like a regular ball sack and not at all interesting. Still, probably best to assume Jesus’ ball sack is something special and CAN deflect lasers and stuff.

    MichaelTAdams’s last blog post..I’m bout to do something I haven’t done in a long time…

  55. Wow, loaves and fishes are accessories?

    Just like loafers and fishnets. Although that’s probably not a flattering look for anyone.

  56. The Jesus action figure rocks, and I think all kids should have one. But I’m still waiting for the Celestial Kingdom Dream House to come out. Now that’s gonna be one of those hard-to-get Christmas presents next year. I can feel it.

  57. OK, forget about Jesus and tiny sasquatch–*why* are those tribesmen/woman a different color than any other person I’ve seen before? Orange? Do they use paints? It’s all over color! What’s up with that? Why has no one talked about it?

    And the one looks really, really hairy. Maybe that’s little sasquatch’s mom or dad.

    Oh wow, I’m going to the bad place for making fun of the Amazon people, aren’t I?

    tela’s last blog post..The D-Word

  58. i am actually a christian, who teaches at a local church community.

    i find your blog and twitters hilarious!

    btw: i don’t think jesus would be offended either by the action figure post…

    if some christians get offended…well, they need to grow a brain and laugh a little!

  59. Hmmm… I still prefer my superheropowered RING, but I might use the “tiny plastic bowl filled with miniature loaves and fishes” for my Plan B…

    Ellie’s last blog post..Sonny’s Tree

  60. Screw Sasquatch, those bows are BIG. Do you think the “big hands, big accessories” thing applies to “big bows, big accessories?” Just askin’. A girl wants to know what is below the loin cloths. Can you blame me?

    Tracey’s last blog post..Hands Down…the Coolest Thing

  61. I have a Jesus action figure hanging from my rear view mirror. Creeps my husband out every time he sees it. Always wants to know why I feel the need to strangle Jesus while I drive.

    That’s when I tell my husband to be quiet or I’ll just nail my Jesus to the dashboard. That tends to shut him up.

    I mean, just cuz I’ve got a rope tied around a plastic Jesus figurine’s neck doesn’t mean I’m not a Christian does it?

    As for the red pygmies and the sasquatch, well, I was gonna make a remark about how it kinda looks like my husband’s family reunions, but now after thinking about it more, it really looks more like my own.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Why I love the Country

  62. I am a pastor and I think this crap is funny. I read everyday and check my rss feed a couple times a day to see if you have posted something new. This is nothing compared to some the people and things I encounter.

  63. Tiny sasquatch!

    It really is a dream come true.

    p.s. Some day I am going to copy & paste this blog onto my own and just roll with it.

    p.p.s When can I come live in your Victorian dollhouse?

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Where My Bitches At?

  64. This is so flippin’ hilarious. I mean, really, here the cover is being blown on some primative nekked people AND a beaver-like sasquatch.

    Are you, like me, marveling and so curious to see a human being so clueless about arrow flinging range…..go ahead, dudes, let one fly, but it just..might…not…reach…airspace.

  65. ok amazing blog. I am hooked. Need to get this daily! I take back those things I have been posting about the ugly Americans and how they love to keep women repressed and fight for the sake of spending.
    You are giving me hope.

    David’s last blog post..“Dead To Us” Depot

  66. Okay, okay ~ let me catch by breath and wipe the tears from my eyes so I can type.

    Please tell me the drugs you are one so I can enjoy life this much!! Hysterical, I tell ya, hysterical!

    Mia’s last blog post..Another year bites the dust

  67. So I said I’m having a rotten birthday. My first comment was for this blog post: I’m fine. (Updated – No, I’m not.)

    Well, off to the couch to sleep this day away. If I can drown out the Wii and noise from the Webkiz World.

    Mia’s last blog post..Another year bites the dust

  68. Christ on a bicycle this blog is hilarious!

    Here I am on a conference call (paying very close attention to the business being discussed) laughing so hard I am crying. I do have to say that I’m glad I wasn’t reading aloud since I was not.on.mute!!!!!

    I will spend the next few days using all of my waking moments reading the past posts that I have not had the pleasure of seeing as of yet.

    Thank you for saying what I think!!!

    Jarrard’s last blog post..Seriously???

  69. New to your blog! Laughing hysterically. I’m going to have to read this one at home, lest my employers think I’m unstable. Should get back to work now.

    Teresa Tebbe’s last blog post..How to Start

  70. As I sit at my computer desk gobbling up a sandwich of my own creation and some Lemon Cream Pie yogurt I type in “Oh no! Sasquatch” into Google search. It brings me first to a blog about a guy who is performing a play with zero responses because honestly his writing style is nothing to go crazy about. “WELCOME TO MY LIFE!”

    The second one I click brings me here, not only to your amazing humorous blogging but to a picture of a stump, that is claimed to be a little sasquatch hanging out with some guys who decided today they’d like to be checkers. King me.

    I should tell you, I too have a Jesus action figure. I keep him with the DBZ figures of my childhood, I’m fairly certain he could send Goku straight to Hell with a snap of his divine fingers. Mine too came with loaves of bread and some fish. However, I got the extra gift of a jug of water, and guess what… No.. Seriously guess. When you turn it upside down… IT TURNS TO WINE!

    HOLY … FUCKING… SHIT! Go Jesus.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: