Heroin addiction > My job

I got my hair dyed last night and it was supposed to be blonde but ended up the color of a nice brown mouse but that’s not the point.  The point is that because it was dyed super late last night I couldn’t wash my hair this morning because I was afraid I’d strip the color, but I must be allergic to the dye because it FUCKING ITCHES SO MUCH I WANT TO SCRATCH MY SCALP OFF WITH A SPORK.  It’s so bad that all I can think about is that story where the girl had that 1950’s beehive hairstyle and never washed it and it itched like mad but she kept putting on more hairspray and then one day a billion baby spiders poured out of her ear because a hairspray loving spider had burrowed in her scalp and laid eggs in her brain and they hatched and now all I can think is that HOLY SHIT WHAT IF THERE WERE SPIDER EGGS IN THE HAIR DYE?!  I mean, there probably weren’t, but still. 

So I’m basically freaking out and scratching at imaginary bugs under my skin like a heroin addict coming down off the horse, except without the whole being-tied-to-the-bed-and-forced-to-take-methadone part.  Which at this point? Kinda doesn’t sound too awful.  Like if I had a choice between being here at work or being forced to stay in bed and take drugs I’d be all “Fucking sign me up, Dr. Feelgood”.  And that’s when I realized that I am officially: jealous of heroin addicts.

Seems like a bad sign. 

Update:  As requested, a picture of my new itchy hair…

Me: If I just smile and pretend the imaginary bugs don’t exist people will think I’m normal.  Unless they do exist.  Then I’m fucked.

Comment of the day:  It seems to me this scratching action of yours has had an unexpected side effect: cleavage enhancement. You should buy a case or two of that dye, make up some labels touting it as a “Proven Breast Enlargement System” and sell the stuff online at an insanely high markup. You’ve already got the perfect photo for your labels (if you like that Jones Soda, homegrown vibe).  However, you might want to replace the bug’s “Oh, hi” with a marketing gem like “Scratch me for bigger boobs!” or “The feminine itch you wantto have.  And give that talking bug a name, too. That way you can license his likeness and make a ton of money from the t-shirts, beer cozies, and breakfast cereal. I suggest “Boob, the builder,” because then you can have a cartoon of your own on Adult Swim. ~ “I can’t read my nametag

119 thoughts on “Heroin addiction > My job

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Okay – I’m the first commenter! Shit…in my excitement I forget what my comment was going to be about. Crap. BRB

  2. I’m back – I’m a little shaky and now really nervous because I’m forced to leave a good comment. I’ve really screwed myself, haven’t I?

    It was about the use of spork – I love it, thanks for working it in. That was it. Phew. Oh, yeah – and what student teacher just said.

    I think I’m still too excited.

  3. Oh my God, I bet you totally have spiders in your hair! Either that or I could really use a Vicidon right now. Or maybe both. They’re not mutually exclusive. So, are we or are we not having a threesome?

    stefanie’s last blog post..Random Thoughts Monday

  4. Reminds me of an old “Twilight Zone” where an earwig got stuck in someones brain and made it through to the other side and cameout his ear. It was torture but he was releived it came out … until the doctor said it was a female …. and had laid EGGS!

    Now go wash your hair!

    Nancy’s last blog post..Does Comerica Park Need Excavating?

  5. The good news is, Snopes says that whole spider nest in the hairdo thing’s an urban legend, so you probably don’t have baby spiders hatching in your scalp. Of course, there’s a first time for everything.

    Steve’s last blog post..Tunguska: 6/30/1908

  6. Hey…was it ‘Hair day’ at the Bloggess Corral?

    1 – If your hairdresser did the color, or even if you did and it was ‘permanent hair dye’…then washing it won’t rinse the color out. I wash mine as soon as I get back from the hairdressers
    most times…..mainly because I hate the way she styles it…but she does bad ass color.

    2 – Blonde? Do tell, and we all want pics.

    Love you.

  7. So how come you’re still sexy even with what appear to be ladybugs crawling on your head?

  8. Spiders in the hair. So didn’t need that mental image, and I was going to dye my hair to hide the few grays I recently discovered. Way to ruin my enthusiasm.

    kate’s last blog post..Shakespeare

  9. I’m just curious. Do you think they are white spiders, brown spiders or the really yukky black spiders?

  10. Don’t believe Steve/Snopes- that story about the baby spiders is TOTALLY TRUE. And so is the story about a fly laying eggs in some guys ear. You have to be really careful when it comes to insects.

    Mamasphere’s last blog post..New Digs

  11. Sure, right now you may feel awkward and uncomfortable, but I promise you, soon enough, like a beautiful, graceful butterfly emerging from its cocoon, millions of tiny insects will be emerging from their eggs and setting forth from your scalp into a bright, limitless future.

  12. I knew a guy once who had dreds, which he was very proud of. He also had to be taken to the hospital about three months after I met him because a june bug had lodged in his ear on a camping trip and he couldn’t get it out. Coincidence? I think not.

    bejewell’s last blog post..My Therapist Says I Have Chutzpah

  13. I knew this person that dyed their hair brown and it itched like crazy just like yours is itching. Finally she washed it the next day, but it was to late. The itching was from the hair dye seeping into her brain. In about a couple of days everything began to look like shit to her. True story.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Patsy Cline – Crazy – 45 rpm

  14. Um. Yeah thanks. Now I’M going to itch all night.

    And coincidentally I just dyed my hair this weekend and it’s a little darker than intended, but I’m too lazy to go get it fixed and afraid if I do all of my hair will break and fall out and then I’ll be bald for BlogHer which wouldn’t be bad because then I’d have something to blog about–you know how I was bald for BlogHer and all and I might eve be able to make a cool new button that said “Bald for BlogHer” but after that I’d have to decide if I was going to let it grow back or just keep shaving it off like Michael Jordan and then one day if I did decide to let it grow back but it was bald in spots I’d be really sad, so I think it’s just a good idea to live with the darker brown.

    What do you think?

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..They’re Just Preparing Me for the Big Injury

  15. It seems to me this scratching action of yours has had an unexpected side effect: cleavage enhancement. You should buy a case or two of that dye, make up some labels touting it as a “Proven Breast Enlargement System” and sell the stuff online at an insanely high markup. You’ve already got the perfect photo for your labels (if you like that Jones Soda, homegrown vibe).

    However, you might want to replace the bug’s “Oh, hi” with a marketing gem like “Scratch me for bigger boobs!” or “The feminine itch you wantto have.”

    And give that talking bug a name, too. That way you can license his likeness and make a ton of money from the t-shirts, beer cozies, and breakfast cereal. I suggest “Boob, the builder,” because then you can have a cartoon of your own on Adult Swim.

  16. Not to make you feel worse or more paranoid or something but the story I heard had roaches in it. They wouldn’t be nearly as cute as your bugs. 🙂

  17. I had PUPPP (pronounced “pups” while pregnant with my 2nd child. Essentially it is an allergic reaction to the placenta. It’s something like only 2% of women get it and only 2% of those get it before the eighth month, I got it in the fourth. I was so FRAKKING ITCHY all over my body, and my husband bites his nails so he couldn’t help. I ended up buying a bunch of cheap combs so he could scratch me once in a while.
    Really the only relief was an ice cold bath, so I just laid around in my tub for five months and was induced on my due date to get that damn placenta out already.
    Also we had our wedding in my fifth month. Between the wedding and the reception, I laid on my aunts bed with my dress over my head scratching, and I spent our first night married in the ice cold hotel tub. It was HORRIBLE! I feel your pain.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..Why I Haven’t Been Posting More

  18. I introduce myself, “Heather Spohr – like spork, but without the K.”

    Then I tell people that my husband is heir to the Spork Throne, and about half the time, people believe me. Then I award them 1,000 shares of Spork, Inc.

    This comment has nothing to do with your hair.

    heather spohr’s last blog post..Twenty Nine and Feelin’ Fine

  19. How is it that I’m always the 4,002nd commenter, even when I check your blog before I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning? Wait, does that make me sound like a stalker?

    And hair bugs…ew, just ew.

    I’ll send you some funky Polish hair dye and then you can have hair in all colors that are not found in nature.

    Kylie’s last blog post..I Kissed A Girl

  20. Did you ever see that episode of House where the patient had bugs in his eyeballs? You’re not as bad off as you think you are. And blond mice have even more fun.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..Built for Speed(o)

  21. yeah, I am sure that a billion other people said it. But in my mind I am always the first. And I am too lazy to read the rest of the comments cause I know the only important one is mine.

    But you look hot, chick. Even if it was done with the venom of the thousands of baby spiders that are currently hiding behind your frontal lobe causing you to spell heroin with an e on the end. Or were you being all fancy and shit like when people go ‘crappe’ and ‘shite’ and ‘ye olde’…

    Kelley’s last blog post..My head hurts Monday.

  22. And that’s when I realized that I am officially: jealous of heroine addicts.

    OK, I understand the feminism thing and all, but why would you be jealous of someone who was addicted to heroes of the female persuasion? Does the fact that I watch “Heroes” just to see Hayden Panettiere count?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Yellow

  23. Oh, and did everyone else notice the way she is holding that camera? That sure looks like she is giving us all The Universal Sign That Houston Drivers Use To Communicate With Anybody About Anything.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Yellow

  24. I’ve washed it twice and it still itches. Not like yesterday when there were bugs crawling in my skin but more like tiny eggs shivering inside my head.

    So, you know, much better.

  25. I’m having this fantastic Star Trek – Wrath of Khan moment….imagining that SLUG that had to be yanked out of Enterprise Guy #4’s brain through his ear. It was the grossest thing my 10 year old mind had ever conceived…until this very moment. THANKS!

    Anissa – Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..A letter of apology to my kids

  26. The first (and last) time I got really stoned, I was in Amsterdam. I had to go back to my hotel, and I was lying on the bed with a terrible headache imagining that there were Doozers (from Fraggle Rock) sliding down each of my individual hairs as if they were fireman’s poles.

    Bugs and heroin sound much, much worse. At least the Doozers sing fun songs.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Whip it up #1 – Summer Pasta

  27. I thought you were going to tell the one where she goes to brush out her hair and out jumps a man with a bloody hook who leaves her for dead in the woods with her boyfriend. So really, are spiders THAT bad?! Because I think having a murderer in your hair is way worse.

  28. Did the murderer leave eggs in his vicitms head? No? Then I’m sticking with the spider story. At least the hook guy was quick. Chronic spider itchiness is much more annoying.

  29. Why is everyone commenting about bugs and spiders?? Jenny wrote about being tied to a bed … that’s enough for me 😉

  30. I’ve heard about that scratchy head condition before. I belive doctors refer to it as “itsallinyourcrazyheaditosis.” It’s a condition that comes and goes. I myself am often afflicted with it.

    I think your color looks fab, by the way.

    Jen Maselli’s last blog post..Save Me From Myself

  31. Jenny! I love your craziness! Your little bugs remind me of little spotted cows. I had to look closer to see if they were spiders, bugs or cows. LOL!!! Love the new hair-do!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Dear Beauty Editor

  32. my scratching enhances cleavage comment was already taken (yes, I read all the comments) so instead, I will say…I will say…hey, so if scratching increases your cleavage, please tell me what kind of hair dye you are using. (Original! Brilliant!)

    missburrows’s last blog post..Step away from the computer

  33. Oooooh, what if the dye gave you that crazy condition that causes people to scratch all of their skin off only to find crazy red and blue threads lurking under the surface?

    Look at me, helping make the problem worse.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Peachtree Memories

  34. Oh! I forgot to mention the sexy cleavage, half boob peeking out at us. You should have put a little bubble there saying, “hi!” to all of us too. LOL! I just went back and saw that others did in fact comment on the boob. Of course they did. Your readers don’t let anything get past them.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I’m The Opposite of Green, Whatever That Is

  35. this blog entry made me shiver so hard so many times that any and all spiders have fleed my tangled earthquake head.

    UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    kate’s last blog post..sixteen months

  36. Forgot to mention in my last comment, but wanted to freak you out all the same. My son had bugs living under his skin. It was my very first blog post. His didn’t come from hair dye though, just sitting on wet cushions (in Africa).

    Tell me that doesn’t freak you out a little bit.

    Kylie’s last blog post..200th Post! – Updated

  37. ok, why not wash it as soon as you do it? i do that EVERY time, and the color always comes out fine, and my hair is always SUPER soft and feels GREAT and NO itchy head syndrome…good luck and i hope the bugs don’t eat the blogging part of your brain, cause that’s the part that i read, and it’s funny.

    Jamie’s last blog post..Met My Goal

  38. When I was in labor and my epidural stopped working, they gave me Fentanyl. Imagine that head itch thing on YOUR WHOLE FUCKING BODY!

    Izzy’s last blog post..So NOT Fair…

  39. I supposed that now would be a really unfortunate time to refer you to the 30 June New Yorker article, “The Itch“?

    [ducks potential objects being hurled from Texas to Hawaii]

    Actually, seriously, do not read that article if you haven’t already; it gets completely mind-blowing creepy on page 2. Just trust me that this is totally a funny / ironic connection for me to have made with your article.

    Also, P.S., hello! I fucking love your blog. Like, it never fails to make me laugh. Also, P.P.S. (and have you ever wondered why some people write, “P.P.S.” and some write “P.S.S.”?), your new hair color is fabulous, spider nests or not!

    Atherton Bartelby’s last blog post..GhettoNerd At The End Of The World

  40. Your hair looks too cute! I need to do something with mine — at some point it might not be a good idea to wear a ponytail every day.

    I have had the same problem with itching the one and only time that I have attempted to use hair dye…hopefully that itch is gone soon!

    Maggie’s last blog post..Theme Thursday – Linear

  41. How cute is your new hairs?

    You know, I know that spider story but instead it was a lady that had a lump develop on her leg and it got bigger and bigger and then she accidentally bumped the bump on a coffee table and all these spidies came out.

    True story.

    LaLa’s last blog post..Advance Australia Fair

  42. LUV you r hair!!!
    But now after this post… All the way up here…I am itching like crazy!!!!
    And without the nice hair…
    I just look like a heroin addict!

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