Hi. I’m a dumbass.
I have a degree in Journalism (seriously) and yet I cannot use apostrophes. In fact, the very reason I’m not actually a Journalist right now is that AP Style was created to destroy me.
Me: The client plead guilty.
My editor: Incorrect. The client pleaded guilty.
Me: Tonight I will set fire to your car.
Some people think it’s kinda hypocritical that so many of my posts deal with me crucifying people for not double-spacing, ninja punctuation and grammatical homicide when I can’t even tell the difference between “heroine” and “heroin” but here’s the deal: I get a pass. I get a pass because I write in Bloggess-Style which is largely characterized by writing under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Bloggess-style is less about “rules” and more about how it sounds in my head and what I’m drinking at the moment. For instance, whereas the AP style of this story might like this:
“A report of a ninja sighting in the woods near the Robert L. Horbelt elementary School prompted a brief lockdown of the township’s public schools”
Bloggess-style would sound more like:
MOTHERFUCKER, y’all! There’s no recess today because someone saw a. fucking. ninja. Seriously?! Is this what we’ve come to, people? Because if a teacher told me no recess because of a because of a ninja sighting I’d be like “How good of a ninja could he be if someone saw him running out in the woods? Answer: Not a very effective one. Now open the damn door and let’s play some motherfucking kickball, beeyotch.”
It’s not exactly well-written and is missing some verbs and has punctuation marks wildly sprinkled in like glitter but it gets the damn point across. That’s why every post of mine is marked by people telling me I spelled something wrong (which is awesome because, hello, I need help) and the commenter is pretty much always right except for the comment I got this week on my “screaming into noseholes because people are not using the double-space after a period anymore” post which was totally insane.
Here is the comment:
And do you know who I hate so much I just want to stab them in the face and then peel off all their face skin and scream into their open nose holes about how much I hate them? (Actually, I don’t hate them that much, but it was such a good opening sentence.) It’s those who can’t use “however” correctly. Oh look, Jenny can’t! 🙂 ~Angie
So I brought in my coworker and was all “You know how I kind of suck at punctuation?” and she’s like “Yeah.” and I’m all “You’re an asshole!” but I only said that last part in my head because I needed her opinion. So I showed her the quote and she agreed with Angie and said that “however” used in that form always needs a comma after it. And I explained that when I said the sentence there would be no pause in it so the comma would fuck up my sentence flow. It’s supposed to be like “DH Lawrence once said if you have nothing to say then be still, (big pause here like it’s the end of the sentence but then it’s like HA! I fooled you! The sentence is still going! I’m like Houdini) howeverIhavealwaysfoundthat….” And my coworker nodded, humoring me, and told me it was still wrong. But then I found this:
The use of however as a conjunction meaning “although” is identical to its use as a clause-initial adverb meaning “nevertheless“, except in punctuation (when written) and in prosody (when spoken). Hence, the following proscribed sentence:
(proscribed) He told me not to do it, however I did it.
is equivalent to the following accepted one:
(accepted) He told me not to do it; however, I did it.
Bingo. Thank you, Wikipedia: The most reliably accurate source on earth.
Anyway, my point is that you can find pretty much any style to back up the way you write. And if you can’t, just put a footnote in there and call it Bloggess-style. Unless you’re saying “But I thought she been done did that“. Then you are dead to me.
Comment of the Day: Uh, I’m confused. Are you saying that the proscribed sentence validates your writing style? cause that doesn’t really help you. proscribed isn’t a good thing. And now I can be one of those commenters that points out your mistakes. Unless I’m just high and don’t understand anything you wrote. Then I just suck ~ktjrdn
And my response to the Comment of the Day: That depends. What does “proscribed” mean? I’m assuming it means “kick-ass”. If, in fact, it means “forbidden and assy” then I’m going to say that it still counts because it says the proscribed one is “equivalent” to the accepted one and so in a roundabout way I’m still totally right.