The difference between midgets and dwarves

The other day Victor was in the shower doing the “We Represent The Lollipop Guild” song from the Wizard of Oz, complete with the kicky-feet-dancey-thing.

Me: When I was a kid I thought that dance was some sort of a midget-spasm and I felt bad for them.

Victor:  You thought all those little people were having spasms?

Me: Yeah. 

Victor:  At exactly the same time.

Me:  Mmhmm.

Victor: Totally in time to the music?

Me:  Yeah. 

Victor:  Didn’t it strike you as weird that only those little people were doing it and none of the others were?

Me:  I thought it was like the difference between dwarves and midgets.

Victor: Wh…what?

Me:  Like, I knew there was a difference between midgets and dwarves but I didn’t know what it was and so I thought maybe one type had spasms and the others didn’t and that they’d put them all together so it’d look like a funny dance .  But it didn’t look funny.  It just looked mean.  I felt bad everytime the spasm-y guys came on.

Victor:  What the hell is wrong with you?

And then I said, “What the hell is wrong with me?!  What the hell is wrong with you?!  You’re the one singing about the lollipop guild in the shower!” And then he was rendered speechless by my quick-witted retort and I was all “Buuuuurn you!” and then I walked off to his dead silence. 

That whole last paragraph didn’t happen in real life but it did happen in my head later when I was driving to work and it was awesome.  So then I called Victor and yelled my comeback at him and he did that thing he does where he pretends that I’d dialed the wrong number but I was all “Whatever!  You just don’t want to admit that I beat you in the midget-battle-of-the-wits, asshole” and then I looked at my cell phone and realized I actually *had* dialed the wrong number.  Then I got to work and looked up the difference between midgets and dwarves and turns out you aren’t even supposed to say “midget” anymore so basically I just yelled a politically incorrect word at a total stranger on the phone at 6 o’clock in the morning. 


PS.  Sometimes I look at my sidebar to see if my latest post made it onto the “More from BlogHer” box and sometimes I’m all “Hey!  There I am!  My post is being highlighted!  And that one’s me too!  Holy crap, it’s all me!  All these post are mine!!”  And then I realize I’m looking at my “recent posts” box. 

Comment of the day: My Mom has a serious problem with dwarves/midgets…as in, she finds them funny. Not in a hateful way, really, just really cute and then she gets tickled. If I spot a midget/dwarf before she does, I re-route her path, it’s that embarrassing.  ~Jenny O.

127 thoughts on “The difference between midgets and dwarves

Read comments below or add one.

  1. The difference between midgets and dwarves is very clear, I can’t believe you didn’t know it.

    Dwarves live in trees and make shoes, cookies or they go to “the show” and work for Santa.

    Midgets were put on this earth to frighten and/or entertain us.

    I’m sure there’s a Wiki about it someplace.
    (I am also totally going to hell for this reply. Whatevs.)

    Kari’s last blog post..Another Week in Review: Karaoke, Zane, Emma, the Katies, George and a Fantastic Fourth. (whew)

  2. Pardon me ma’am. But I think there’s a fish in your stream of consciousness. Yep. Looks like a clown fish. I’ll go get my pole. I mean rod.

    I said pole and rod.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Guest Post

  3. ha! I had a discussion last week with a friend about the difference between dwarves and midgets. It wasn’t an interesting discussion, because neither one of knew what the difference was, but that didn’t make it end any sooner.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Like Skydiving

  4. i freakin’ love your ps! you are all kinds of awesome, and they should do a day of highlighted bloggess posts. and i’m not just saying that. that totally cracked me up!

    natalie’s last blog post..Music…

  5. i was laughing through the whole post.

    then i got to your p.s.

    and i totally lost it.

    note to self: do NOT read the bloggess at work. and especially do not if you are drinking hot liquids.

    i’m not sure i can ever show my face in here again…..

    janet’s last blog post..Fun Monday: the Gone Fishin’ edition

  6. Damn, all the best comebacks come to mind in the car … or in the shower. I would be totally awesome if I could have said all of the great comebacks I thought of while driving to work.

    Diane’s last blog post..Oh, my aching back

  7. I have never seen The Wizard of Oz – I felt the need to confess that here. Anyhow, I’m more of a oompa loompa kinda gal.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..meh

  8. I hope that random person you dialed has a blog. Or that he Googles your name from caller ID and finds yours. And then he’d be all, “I’ve got to block her number except I’m strangely drawn to her.” And then he’ll start blog-stalking you. (Is that blalking?)

    Talk about awesome.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..Try a byte of this

  9. Why doesn’t anybody ever call and yell politically incorrect words at me at 6 o’clock in the morning? That would beat the hell out of yet another call from my sister telling me things I really don’t give a flying tiny Sasquatch about.

  10. i was in such a bad mood that i was about to murder someone and then i read this blog entry and it cheered me up just enough to just beat the shit out of a few people.

    thanks for keeping me out of jail.

  11. Interesting… I’ll bet that most couples, in the shower on or about their anniversary (or any other time for that matter), are talking about something other than dancing to a song from the Wizard of Oz.

    But, then, most couples aren’t a dead ringer for the Sonic couple.


    Ed T.’s last blog post..A wee bit o’ color to start your Monday off

  12. And now, I’ll blame you and Victor when I’m singing that song to my husband during “business time” tonight.

  13. Best. PS. Ever.

    Pure awesomeness

    You need to write a book. Just so I can have your wisdom in portable form to carry around so when I quote it, my boyfriend won’t look at me like I’m crazy.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Is it 2011 already?

  14. You never said and I feel the need to know, did you ever actually call your husband and finish yall conversation? Then what did he say?

  15. I never mentioned it to Victor again. Too mortified. Then the next day I called him to tell him that I was going to strangle him because I went all the way to the post office to pick up a package for him and there was no package. The guy was all “Um…what?” I’d dialed the exact same wrong number again.

  16. Thinking that they were having spasms is much less crazy than the fact that when I was a kid, I thought troll dolls lived in my Grandma’s toilet.

    It’s also much less crazy than doing the lollipop guild dance in the shower.

    And, yes, though I’ve never noticed it, they totally look like they’re having some kind of seizure. You are completely in the right here.

    wendy’s last blog post..Fireworks Cake Toppers

  17. Dude. I am coming off my SSRI, and I think your blog may be the only thing that actually helps.

    Also, wine. So, your blog and wine. You’re in good company, obviously.

    ali’s last blog post..Query

  18. Dude. I am coming off my SSRI, and I think your blog may be the only thing that actually helps.

    Also, wine. So, your blog and wine.

    Wow! I’m not alone!

  19. My husband prefers to call me a wierdo over much more mundane things. Like the fact I grew up without a TV so basically without culture and have never seen such movies as The Wizard of Oz.

    If he was singing that song in the shower I would probably say “Hey, that’s not so bad! Do you have that on iTunes?” Or maybe not. The kickey-dancey thing? He does that all the time anyway, I wouldn’t notice the difference.

    Sophie’s last blog post..Yummy Yummy Breakfast

  20. You triggered my OCD with your spelling of
    “dwarves”. Although Merriam says it’s okay…

    ~ Why must we always be so politically correct?
    My best friend is a midget/dwarf/munchkin/little fella/short stack….

  21. Okay, that was really weird. There I was, sitting in Barnes & Noble mindlessly flicking jimmies off a cupcake at the women talking way too loudly about how much they’d totally “do” Jon Stewart but… “not that other guy with the funny news show, you know, Stephen something – the guy who’s on the The Office.” “No, that’s a different Stephen.” “I thought it was the same guy.” “Nope, the Office guy has a bigger nose.” “Oh…that/i> guy. Wait…is he the Get Smart one?” – “I think so.” – “Um…okay, I’d do him, but not that other guy.” – “Yeah, me neither.”…when my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, so I let it go to voicemail.

    Here’s what the message said:

    “What the hell was that all about, Jenny? I don’t sing Lollipop Guild in the shower. I sing Abba songs. And I don’t take showers, I take baths. Long, luxurious, bubble-frothy baths. And what do you mean by ‘there is no package’? Of course there’s no package. I told you last week: the surgery was a success! Anyway, I’m going by Wendy now, not Wil. Please make a note of it. And, hey…call me when you’re free. We’ll go shopping for shoes.”

    The voice was strangely familiar, but I think it was for you.

  22. I just had to reply, because when I was 10, I caught my mom singing that very same song in the shower. Evil child that I was, I taped her and played it at her next dinner party! Victor is in good company!

    Lori’s last blog post..Balls, balls and more balls- Part 3

  23. ROFLMAO… even though that’s outdated and stooooopid, it’s true. You never fail to make me laugh my ass off. The more I think about those twitchy little people, the harder I laugh! Dude… seriously. You just ROCK. Can I be your stand in when you get tired of being you? Just wonderin…

  24. I do that. Which? you ask.

    All of the above. The spasms? From time to time. The dialing the wrong number? Yep. The listening to my husband say “Whatever”. Uh-huh (Well, I guess it’s not like I listen to him.)

    And the amazement that BlogHer has only my posts listed?

    Oh mah holy hell, yes.

    Ree’s last blog post..The Birthday Pain-in-the-Ass

  25. Well, the fact that he could have seriously injured himself dancing in the shower like that aside, I’d think he’d understand there is nothing wrong with you.

    I mean really, Victor, isn’t that a case of the pot calling the kettle?

  26. I once dated a guy who was terrified of dwarves. Terrified to the point where the even the mere mention of a little person would launch a panic attack. He was also a crackhead (no, really!) so maybe that had something to do with it. Put that in your (tiny) pipe and smoke it.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Thinking We Might Have to Amputate…

  27. There was a whole TV show that got canceled (largely due to the Priestly curse I think) all about a girl who meets this Voice on a Phone when she misdials her fiance’s number, and while she’s absolutely crazy, he’s like her anchor to sanity and reality, so she calls him all the time. Until he goes to Japan. Speaking of, I think they prefer Little People. People of shorter than normal height, I mean, not the Japanese.

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Lakshmi’s Story: The ethics of deciding when someone is broken and needs fixing, and the broader societal implications

  28. Dwarf Alliance For The Love Of Littleness 2008 Conference.

    Where? San Francisco
    When? July 18-20.

    Who’s laughing now funny girl? You’re fucking dead meat. And I can’t say I really feel sorry for you. My kids are short as hell.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Shiva Nataraja

  29. there are way too many people named kate or katie that comment on your blog.

    i feel like i’m back in 3rd grade again where i must identify myself as “Katie C.”


    katie c

    p.s. the “c” does not stand for cocksucker. or cunt.

  30. I always think of good come backs in my head when it’s too late. Don’t feel bad about the dwarf thing… I once told my daughter that drinking alcohol before you are 21 can stop you from growing and she thought I meant that all dwarfs stopped growing because they drank alcohol before they were 21, sigh.

    Jen W’s last blog post..That face, that face, that beautiful face

  31. Freakin’ awesome. My Mom has a serious problem with dwarves/midgets…as in, she finds them funny. Not in a hateful way, really, just really cute and then she gets tickled. If I spot a midget/dwarf before she does, I re-route her path, it’s that embarrassing. Also, I think the difference is that the dwarves have the bigger heads and shorter arms. Midgets are more proportional, I think. Re-reading over this comment doesn’t make me proud. *sigh*

    Jenny O.’s last blog post..I am a sexy beast.

  32. I was just going to write a comment stating that your GoodMom/BadMom friend Mindy was right: bunnies are evil, and one of them stole a carat from the html code in my earlier comment, rendering it italicly dysfunctional. But then I realized my lame attempt at homonym humor would be two steps from funny because, in fact, the typographic character is spelled “caret” (not carat) and the item that went missing wasn’t really a caret at all but one of its 90-degrees-sideways cousins (who are members of the much more well-known Bracket family) and both of these errors would have added further evidence to support the unwelcome truth that I probably shouldn’t get paid to edit other people’s words. For what it’s worth…here’s the missing bracket thingy that’s not a carat or a caret or a carrot: <.

    Oh, and bunnies are cute. Except for the evil ones.

  33. Is this before coffee or after coffee? lol and I didn’t know we’re not supposed to say midgets anymore?

  34. since our AD NETWORK fucked with your rotation, i am going to have to quit them. i miss being in your category. it gave me a false but nevertheless comforting feeling of comraderie. why did they move you to the sex slaves category?

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Heroes Are All Around Us

  35. I suspect they moved me because of comments dealing with “sex slaves”. All we need to do is just leave a bunch of sex related comments on your blog and they’ll move you too. Maybe something lascivious about farm animals?

  36. Well, I am shunning the fuckheads at Blogher anyways so who gives a crap what’s being posted? why you ask? well they can’t even be ASSED to issue a generic rejection email to a blog submission request. First they rejected me cause my blog was too new and then they just didn’t respond. who needs their girly asses anyhow. just because all the cool blog chicks are there. I prefer to think of them as blogladies with sticks up there collective asses and who wants to join their old broads club ANYWAY?? harumph.

    whatever. I always hoped the flying monkeys would fly in and eat the midgets and dwarves. now that I think of it, I wish some flying monkeys would swoop in and do away with those old blogher bags. double harumph. /rant.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..a new me.

  37. From the recent comments, it seems you have a lot of editors reading your blog. And probably not many midgets. Or dwarves. Or dwarfs. And who’s responsible for “dwarfs” anyway? Is it Disney’s fault? They were always dwarves until that damn Snow White movie, weren’t they? Anyway, back to those editors. You seem to attract them. Does that worry you? If not, it should. Editors. Dwarves. Word. Wine.

  38. I used to work with a 6 foot tall heavy set black guy who did a dead on lollipop guild dance, including the song. Hands down one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

    And the PS was hysterical.

    Cara’s last blog post..Dr. Internet

  39. A cautionary tale: My friend Mark was trying to impress a blind date once by showing what a great “family guy” he could be. He saw some kids at another table and said, “Oh, look at those adorable little people!” He thought calling the kids “little people” was terribly clever because it just meant that they were little, and they were also people.

    Turns out, it was a family of ACTUAL little people, who heard him say how “cute the little people were” and I guess understandably took offense. The mother little person came over to his table and let a string of f-bombs fly while also calling him an insulting asshole.

    Needless to say, he didn’t get laid that night.

    bejewell’s last blog post..It’s Just a Blog

  40. Sometimes I find it helpful when I first wake up in the morning,before my feet even hit the floor, to just take a Xanax.

  41. Well, since you felt bad for the “little guys” didn’t it make you feel even a little better to know that, at least, they ALL had lollipops?

    Sheila’s last blog post..Exhausted.

  42. I’d dialed the exact same wrong number again.

    Yes, and my wife would appreciate it if you would please take our home phone number off your speed-dial. The heavy breathing combined with invitations to phone sex combined with the screams of “Victor, it’s a BUSINESS call, dammit!” are driving my son nuts.

    Just kidding 🙂

    On a slightly different subject: Guess what I found? (See CommentLuv for answer. But not with a mouth full of food/drink, or a cat in your lap. I feel obligated to warn you.)


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Tastes great, looks like…

  43. I’ve been contemplating a post about these two dogs I saw having sex in the park while a squirrel looked on. Yet that would still put me a little short to get in the naughtiness to get me into the sex & relationships network. Here’s hoping I see some horses going at it on my drive home from work!

    Heather B.’s last blog post..Defective

  44. I can’t stop laughing at this post. Seriously. I’m sending you the hospital bill when I start hyperventilating and pass out and hit my head on my desk and get carried out by EMT’s one whom will fall in love with me and try to be cute by sending me flowers in a bedpan.

    What? It could happen!

    P.S. I do the greatest imitation of Glinda the Good Witch EVER. NO LIE. 😀

    Fuzzball’s last blog post..You guessed it…

  45. Those little posers always piss me off. Lollipop Guild. That’s the best they could do? A gang named after a candy best known as a porno prop? I’d be all: Shorties, bring it on. I represent the Licorice Guild. Black Licorice. And I’m going to tie you up and whip you! Huh!

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..The Forties are Fierce!

  46. I think Victor has chosen the kickiest song ever for a shower. Does he know any songs from “Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang”? My dear you must embrace our inner Musical Demon!

    Jenn’s last blog post..What’s With today, today?

  47. Now that song is in my head. The song from the Baron in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is a good one for disturbing shower fare…that movie is seriously dark. “Looooollllipops! Come and get your lolllipops!” Shudder.

  48. I cannot get the image of the little Lollipop Guild Mayor out of my head. Wearing a green suit I think. And red hair, maybe.

    And you carrying him around in your purse.

    And now that’s how I’ll picture Victor. Always.

    mommypie’s last blog post..Twitterho has a dream.

  49. I have to tell you that you are my new work addiction. I spent the entire afternoon reading your archives.

  50. Every time I feel like my weirdness must be so bad that it’s detrimental to my children, I read your blog and feel better about myself.

    Because the other day I was thinking about the difference about midgets and dwarves.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..How To Be An Asshole

  51. I run a daycare and had one of the little girls out on errands with me when she shouted “A LITTLE PERSON!!! Awwwwww. Me and my Mom LOVE little people!! Aren’t they cute!?!” I’m sure the midget felt real good that a 6 year old thought he was cute. And now I can’t shake the vision of her and her mom excitedly pointing out little people they see from in the streets.

    Mama’s Losin’ It’s last blog post..Daycare Diaries: I Blame Society

  52. I NEVER thought anyone other than me thought those little people had a medical condition. I thought that they gave them injections to make them dance like that. Well, I thought the witch injected them. HELLO! She’s a WITCH!

    I love being married. When I say, “Buuuurn you!” like I did earlier this week, he can’t leave. I mean, forever. I hope. Crap.

  53. The difference between dwarfs and midgets is that midgets get offended and file lawsuits when you pick them up and shake them and dwarfs just kick your ass and hit you with an ax.

  54. OK. You are not going to believe this, but this is TOTALLY TRUE. My sister worked with a woman at American Airlines who used to take the bus to work and she would often run into one of the poor little guys who was in that movie as a very young boy and now was an old man (this was in the 90s). He would do that little click with his tongue and kick like one of the Lollipop Kids. She was pretty much creeped out by it. The poor guy was now a homeless alcoholic guy. He was either really the Lollipop guy or he was just pretending to be one and was doing a really great job. Very creepy she said. Sad and kind of funny all at the same creepy time. (OK I’m a horrible person)

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Enough Said!

  55. Lollipop Guild, Lollipop League or Munchkins. WTF?

    Ding-dong the witch is dead
    Which old witch? The wicked witch
    Ding-dong the wicked witch is dead
    Wake up you sleepyhead
    Rub your eyes, get out of bed
    Wake up the wicked witch is dead
    She’s gone where the goblins go
    Below – below – below
    Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out
    Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low
    Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead

    (Lullaby League)
    We represent the Lullaby League
    The Lullaby League, the Lullaby League
    And in the name of the Lullaby League
    We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land

    (Lollipop Guild)
    We represent the Lollipop Guild
    The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild
    And in the name of the Lollipop Guild
    We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land

    Sing away My Pretties.

    Polka Dot Mommy’s last blog post..More Mommy to Love

  56. You know my feed reader keeps saying to me ‘New post from the Bloggess’ and I do the happy dance and then realise that it is this one again. Then 10 minutes later the feedreader screams at me NEW FROM THE BLOGGESS! And again this post.

    And I am all ‘I have already commented on this post fucker, do your job RIGHT or I will go and shmooze up to Google reader’

    And then 4 hours later the feedreader taps me on the shoulder and tells me NEW FROM THE BLOGGESS and it is the same freaking post AGAIN.

    You paying my feedreader woman? Or has Bloglines like fallen totally in love with you and wants to have your babies?

    Kelley’s last blog post..Mosh!

  57. Just as I thought this story couldn’t be funnier, my silent chuckle turns into a full-blow-out Laugh. Loved it! I wonder what the guy thought.

    Angela’s last blog post..Sick and Tired

  58. someone was unexpectedly served a side order of awesomeness with their eggs at 6am. I dont think i could be angry if someone accidentally called me that early and yelled at me about midgets.

    fidget’s last blog post..Putting Children In Peril

  59. you weren’t kidding about reading this only if not easily offended. next.

  60. I just found your site today, very funny stuff. However, this post, OMG! I have tears in my eyes from laughing so frackin hard! Good stuff!

  61. This is my first hour ever reading anything you’ve written (by way of Amalah), and even though I usually avoid posting comments when more than 30 people have already commented cause it makes me self conscience that the blogger isn’t going to read it anyway, I have to tell you that this is my favorite post I’ve ever read on a blog. Ever.

    That dance those “little people” did scared and saddened me so much when I was little. I thought they were twitching uncontrollably, too. Plus I had no idea they were saying the word “guild”, so it just sounded like a bunch of nonsensical ramblings…much like this comment.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Randoms

  62. Dwarfism is a disease midgates are not. It is offensive to term someone as a midget,it is not so in the case of dwarfs.Dwarfism is associated with both plants and animals while Midgets are only humans.

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