114 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I laughed out loud 14 times reading this. I know because I started keeping tally after I’d done it twice. And wondered why my laughs are so short and sporadic.

    Maria’s last blog post..I’m in The New York Times, bitches.

  2. oh my crazy goodness! that was freakin’ hysterial. i can only imagine the people working with you. you sound like you put the “fun” in dysfunctional! i love that!

    natalie’s last blog post..My day and a message.

  3. Freaking hilarious! Come to Vegas and we’ll see if we can bust open the hotel windows from the 2094th floor.

    Missy’s last blog post..The Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Awkward Award: Backpacking Dad and Redneck Mommy

  4. I think I would go crazy working in a building where the windows didn’t open. I need air, fresh air. It is hot and humid in Houston though so maybe that is why they don’t want the windows open. It sounds like they are conspiring against you to me.

    heartache heartburn’s last blog post..Glimpses of me

  5. I can’t even imagine your personnel file. New entry: “Jenny wants a razor blade and cyanide; denies trying to kill herself. Have supply bring up another filing cabinet.”

  6. Don’t do it, Jenny The Bloggess!

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Guests/Wii/Burritos/Eggrolls

  7. I’m trying to pull myself away from the computer…but then I see a post from the amazing bloggess in my reader and i just have to read it… I AM SO GLAD! Too freaking funny. You crack me up. I wish we worked together. (Well, at least when I used to work. Which I did. BUt I don’t. Anymore. I mean real work. Like money-paying work. Not like raising the kids, thankless, get no lovin’, someone take me away, kinda work.)

  8. [ uncontrolled giggling ]


  9. You freakin’ crack me up. I SO wish the story hadn’t ended. It’s like a soap opera…….only better.

    A Cowboy’s Wife’s last blog post..The Blogher End

  10. How stoked was I when up popped the Bloggess on my reader? Super stoked! I swear your freakin’ posts get funnier every time. The mental image of you working at your desk surrounded by a windstorm is enough to keep me laughing all day.

  11. Hmmm, DJ skillfully diverted your attention when you asked just WHAT it was you smelled like. Now I’m curious. You don’t smell like Camels, unplugged, so what DO you smell like?

    The whole razor blade thing reminds me of the convo I had w/my doctor this week. He asked me if my moods were swinging (trying to nail me for early menopause); I said, “Yeah, I never understood PMS from the inside-out til now… Sometimes I just wanna KILL somebody…or at least, hurt ’em” and he quickly said, “Don’t think I’ll put THAT in writing” and he changed the subject.

    Don’t tell anyone, k?

    Robin’s last blog post..Simple pleasures ARE the best!A must-do as soon as you can

  12. Too stinkin’ hysterical… besides, every girl needs fresh air – it’s good for the pores and stuff.

    koehmstedt’s last blog post..Etsy Weekend: Aprons

  13. I love the “prison break” imagery. Also, do you have a photographic memory? That was one long conversation and a very entertaining one.

    rimarama’s last blog post..I’m Just a Kid

  14. I don’t have a photographic memory but I’m often writing down what I’m saying to people as I’m saying it. It’s a terrible, terrible habit and probably come off as crazy or at the least, extremely rude.

  15. That window thing would drive me crazy. Luckily, you already are. In a good way.

    Whit’s last blog post..The Tide is High

  16. That was fan-fucking-tastic! You never fail to entertain. My old office had painted shut windows and it used to drive me crazy. I often thought of it in terms of a jail, of course that might also have had to do with the assholish warden, I mean, boss and the painfully long hours.

    Cara’s last blog post..Touching Down

  17. I do have windows that open. Thank god. Because in my east-facing teeny office directly above the building’s boiler (What? I teach at a university) the temperatures occasionally reach over 100 degrees, and I MUST open the windows in order to let the hot air out before I DIE. Especially when that happens in February and I’m not dressed for the beach.

    But I think your friend is right about the cyanide. It doesn’t work to strip paint. Or so I’ve heard…

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Hanging

  18. When I was 13 or so I used to visit my cousin Robin at her farm. Her dad owned the local feed store, and we would steal CAMEL’S (straight ones) and smoke the whole damn pack while hiding in the cornfield. Then, we would saunter back to the house like we were tough shit. (as if no one could SMELL us…) Jesus that was fun.

    vodkamom’s last blog post..Not my kids…

  19. Jenny totally smells like ninjas and hobbits. In a word, awesome.

    heather spohr’s last blog post..My Daughter, The Dress Up Doll

  20. 20
    Just A. Reader

    I wish I worked with you. My coworkers are really sane and boring. And they all smell like camels. But not cigarettes.

  21. My Jenny is back-Yay!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Wait! Come Back!

  22. You could stand under my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. You know, if I moved to Houston and stood behind you while you were working. That wouldn’t be creepy at all.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..I Think Dylan Needs To Stop Playing Ghost Recon

  23. Ask me for the razor blade next time. I keep plenty around for slicing the leather off the bottoms of my feet from wearing flip-flops all day.

    Alice’s last blog post..Things In Our Playroom I Hate: Part Three & Four

  24. ah, “the yellow wallpaper.” what a great story.

    your story was funnier, though.

    Lara’s last blog post..Inevitable Crash and Scavenger Hunt Update

  25. Is it just me… Or does the thought of being responsible for a wind tunnel sound sorta of god-like and awesome?

    Judith Shakespeare’s last blog post..Hmmmm… I Wonder If Your Jock Strap Will Burn As Well As My Bra Does.

  26. Why is it that people assume razorblades and high windows mean suicide? I mean, just because a person is a tad bit psychotic…

    Kate anon’s last blog post..Enlightenment

  27. Thank you for adding the “a tad bit” part.

  28. Can I work with you? Puh-lease?? It’s boring here.

    anymommy’s last blog post..Remembering the Little Things

  29. You know, chucking a computer modem through that window would probably open it-in the event there was a fire or a bad performance review or the desire to shake things up at the next employee Christmas party.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..The Seventies

  30. LOL. I frequently make the mistake of trying to write smokers into my fiction and I always get called out for making some comment that a “real” smoker would never make. LE SIGH.

    I need windows open too. Although not until like, November.

    Maria’s last blog post..Wanna hit Krispy Kreme? I’m soooo gigglesome.

  31. I did try to jump out my office window once. But I only got minor scrapes and bruises being that my hands touched the sidewalk before my feet could make it out the window. Short fall. And, no one pitied me or worried about my mental health. Instead they just laughed, called me a dumbass and asked me to “do it again” so they could get a picture of it. I can’t tell you what that’s done for my self esteem.

  32. You my dear have an extremely unique voice, regardless of the hoarseness. It has more to do with what you call a filterless.
    I love that you’re gnawing at the latch during lunch, like a “prison break”. Aptly put.
    But where does the cyanide fit in again?

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Painting With Words

  33. Hilarious! Maybe a pointy pen will do the trick, or unbend a paperclip? Gosh, I was a girl scout, you would think I could provide a good answer to this…um…want the recipe to campfire stew? Instructions on a boondoggle keychain? The proper way to french kiss your hand….yeah…our leader was drunk and passed out most the time…ahhh childhood.

    brittany’s last blog post..Running (er briskly walking) with the devil

  34. you are a nut. Straight.

    flutter’s last blog post..Sex and things related

  35. Do you ever get any actual work done?

    bejewell’s last blog post..The Dog We Called the Lorax

  36. If I had worked with you I never would have become a stay-at-home mom.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – Search Terms Edition

  37. I laughed and laughed at this–oh my.

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..Fun In The Lion’s Den

  38. I think straight are the opposite of gay Camels.

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..Guest Post From a Vacationing Me, Part Deux: The Music

  39. My mom painted my windows shut as a teenager. But I managed to get the paint off..so then she had to screw them shut. But if I remember correctly, I used one of those skinny paint scrapers to get the window open. I just wedges it in there a bunch.

    Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..The One Eyed Creeper

  40. PS. I think I’m going to go confront my mother about why she created such a fire hazard for me?

    Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..The One Eyed Creeper

  41. Oh my god, I love this. I’d send you some razor blades, but they’d get confiscated by the post guys…they hoard them for that one day, when they go postal.

    Try an electric saw. Or maybe not..maybe you should just get a fan.

    Issa’s last blog post..Mothering is hard…..

  42. This post is so rich with good material to comment on that I can’t think of a damn thing to say. Except, dayum. Good post.

  43. I *knew* it! I knew you were secretly standing in a bucket of water with the hairdryer on in your header picture. How long has it been like this? You know there are help lines, right? Here’s the number- 1-800-SAVE-JENNY.

    Tracey’s last blog post..How Do You Rate?

  44. You should start hand-rolling your own. You’d probably wind up with a mouthful of tobacco grit but you’d look fucking cool.

    manager mom’s last blog post..I’ve Had The Time Of My Life

  45. What was it with Houston women, BlogHer, and laryngitis? Did y’all like share germs or something? Did you get pictures?


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Campaign ’08: Tacky & Tasteless vs. Terroristic & Threatening

  46. Sooo, what DO you smell bad enough to be?

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..The Healing Power of Ribbons

  47. If you REALLY want the cyanide, you can use your window hacking skills to crush peach and cherry pits…just saying.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Oh, Snarfblatt! A Dinglehopper!

  48. OMG!! You have me rolling! LMAO! Well at least it was Camels and not Bugler! LOL Wind tunnel… that would so be my luck!

    Amy Vittonel’s last blog post..Step Brothers

  49. I had a fly in my office. Could not figure out how it got in, what with all windown hermetically sealed. Did it like sneak in behind someone, then wait for them to open the stair door and fly up the stairs. It would probably be more noticable in the elevator.

    Nicole’s last blog post..The Week in Libations… and some food

  50. I worked in a shortrise (we don’t have high ones here) a few years back and one of the old windows fell out — frame and everything.
    It was on the same floor as I was, and it was down the hall. The biggest problem after that was the pigeons.

    Pamela’s last blog post..Pensieve’s Poetic License

  51. You crack me up.

    The windows in our hotel in NYC did open. And it FREAKED ME OUT.

    Kyla’s last blog post..95 Days. THE END.

  52. I wish I worked with you. My colleagues think contract jokes are funny.

    Now that I think about it, that’s enough to make *me* want to look for some cyanide.

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Mommy Blogging and BlogHer ’08

  53. I think I would like to just follow you around all day listening to your conversations. I would laugh so much that I would never feel sad ever again.

    Rachael’s last blog post..Saturday Share #2

  54. “…I’m often writing down what I’m saying to people as I’m saying it.”

    I know that previous conversations in your blog took place while in a vehicle. Was it moving and were you driving. That would be as bad as texting while driving.

    Then again I could be the crazy one.

    Jeremy Martin’s last blog post..PC vs. Mac the final edition…

  55. 55
    I can't read my nametag

    Because of this little conversation with DJ, I’m afraid that your requisition listing…

    * 3 to 5 razor blades – definitely not to be used for suicide


    * cyanide – because we’re out of Liquid Paper

    …will probably go unfilled. But never fear! I have a solution to the whole stuck window problem. When no one is looking, lick the paint away, layer by layer. The first few layers will probably just cause dizziness and mild nausea, but if you’re lucky, at layer 17 or so, you’ll discover lead-based paint. Now you have leverage!

    After licking a layer of lead-based paint, sneak away to have your tongue analyzed using a process called X-ray fluorescence. (Seek out a street vendor who moonlights as an analytical chemist. He’ll know what to do.)

    Then go back to work, hand the test results to your boss, stick out your tongue and say, “If I can’t have my rathor bladeth or my thyanide I’ll go to the thix o-clock newth…” [it’s okay, you can stop sticking out your tongue now] “…and I’ll tell them about the unsafe working conditions.”

    Bingo! You get your razor blades AND your cyanide. Of course, it’s reasonable to assume that if you just keep licking the paint, eventually you won’t need either.

    [Please note the following disclaimers: Cyanide is not an FDA-approved substitute for Liquid Paper. The lead in that #2 pencil you saved from when you were in second grade is not the same as the lead in the paint that makes the pencil yellow. Razor blades are very, very sharp. Neil Patrick Harris is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Neither the advice offered in the above comment nor the disclaimers in these brackets have been verified for accuracy by a street vendor who moonlights as an analytical chemist. Cigarette smoking can lead to death, bad breath, and/or a really sexy voice. Contrary to the claims presented in the “M.A.S.H.” theme song, suicide is not painless.

  56. So, I’m still trying to figure out how you got the camel into the smoker, and why you would smoke straight camels as opposed to gay camels… Oh, you meant the cigarettes!



    Ed T.’s last blog post..I can haz Amazon Burger pleeze?

  57. You’re funny Bloggess. I’d bake a chisel in a cake to get out of there man.

    Carolyn…Online’s last blog post..It’s not procrastination, it’s spon-tan-eous.

  58. Please don’t let the cigarette companies find this post. They’ll start advertising “Extreme Smoking!”

    Jessica’s last blog post..UPDATED: JD & Jessica do the Houston Chronicle

  59. Good lord, that was funny. I nearly peed myself. And then I read I Can’t Read My Nametag’s suggestions and had to go find the Depends.

    Major Bedhead’s last blog post..The Good, The Bad And The Hote Party

  60. you are hysterical. that’s all my hungover brain can think to say right at this moment.

    qt’s last blog post..Wednesday Obsessions: Dos, Deux, Due

  61. This is priceless, and makes me miss working in an office. That’s quite a feat, by the way, so you should feel appropriately honored.

    I wish I was considered valuable enough to have had a window in my office, just for the light. Though being always unsatisfied with what I’ve got, I definitely would have had those windows open after week 1. So you can begin deferring to me now on that speculation alone.

    One last thing– you need to do a sequel of you confronting DJ and demanding to know what you smell like.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Sometimes you feel like a nut

  62. Totally harkened me back to the time I asked a coworker to borrow some rope, a garbage bag, and a shovel.

    The reality was, my car was stuck in the snow and I had an elaborate scheme to haul it out of the muck. But he immediately deduced I was planning to kidnap, violate, and bury him on some godforsaken country road.

    Which would not have been half as funny if he didn’t outweigh me by a good 70 pounds and tower over me by nearly a foot. I was flattered until I realized I was being mocked. Still…

    Danke, Lipschin, for the laugh.

    MeL’s last blog post..Have You Seen My Brain?

  63. You’re a total Cracker. And I mean that only in the best sense of the word.

    VDog’s last blog post..The Adventures of Carl, Roaming Flyswatter (WHAT? He’s not a real person??)

  64. Try nail polish remover to get rid of the paint. Stash it in your desk 😉 Awesome post, laughed my arse off….!

    Robin’s last blog post..Starbucks and the Internet Slut

  65. Why do bosses only pay attention and listen to you when you say you’re not going to kill yourself but otherwise they ignore you when you say you could just die? Whassup with that?

  66. I live in a really old house and I have also had problems with windows that have been painted shut. What I usually do is fashion a a tool out of a toothbrush and a fork. A shank, if you will.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Dave’s Hog

  67. “Bare Assed” – that’s smokin’ a ciggy “straight.” Just so you know, hon! 🙂

  68. I’ve referred to filterless as smoking it straight before. DiscoJamboree is wrong!

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Give me the good stuff.

  69. Jenny, you are too funny. I love when ‘The Bloggess’ appears in my reader, it just makes me happy. Thank you for the glimpse into the wonderment that is you 🙂

    Rachel’s last blog post..The Day I Broke My Vagina

  70. Well, the Matron besides you, thinks this is funny. She would totally toss you the razor, although she might have tossed something through the window, long before.

    Minnesota Matron’s last blog post..More on the High-End Offspring She’s Raising

  71. You just need one of those things that cuts glass in a circle (you know.. with the little suction cups?). But maybe I shouldn’t be giving you ideas like that.

    holli’s last blog post..My ridiculously long post about San Francisco. (with pics for the bored).

  72. “That’s like me leaving you with a bottle of cyanide. Or a footbath with a toaster nearby.” PRICELESS! You have such good friends. And you are funny beyond words.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Salmonella or Dirty Butts?

  73. Hilarous.

    But… wouldn’t razorblades be too flimzy? What about scissors? Or a screwdriver?

    Allie’s last blog post..Definition

  74. well, at least I know I’m not the only one with some weird thing about open windows…

    Lynette’s last blog post..Because I like to keep it real

  75. Just try to resist eating the paint chips if you get it open! Mmmm. Paint chips.

    Raging Dad’s last blog post..“Is Mommy a woman? Does she fight bad guys?”

  76. So why haven’t you taken paint thinner and a blowtorch to it yet? Do you forget what it was you wanted to bring to work when you get home?

    Kylie’s last blog post..My Name is Kylie and I’m an Alcoholic.

  77. Every damn time. In fact, I just got here and looked at the windows and screamed in frustration. Actually it was more of an argh than a scream but you know what I mean.

    Although Allie brings up an excellent point. I do have scissors. And a stolen lighter.

    Either I’m opening the window or I’m burning down the building. Whichever happens first.

  78. I think it’s time for vacation. Meet me in Buffalo.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..Obama in Ohio, meet Amy in Ohio

  79. Just more proof that you, my dear Jenny, are the most perfect woman ever.

    Robin’s last blog post..Stranger danger

  80. Your blog is hysterical… and I’ve totally pulled the ravorblades-to-windows manouver at an old apartment. Tell me it’s not a safety concern that the windows that faced the fire escape were painted shut??? (On further inspection they were also NAILED shut. I think that’s when I just gave up and hoped there was never a fire. After 6 months I moved out.)

    Kimmers’s last blog post..Weekend Wrapup

  81. New reader here. Heard about you from BlogHer and decided to check you out. I love this post! Hilarious.

  82. We’re melting in Texas and you want to open the windows? You are a tad bit crazy. But I love you anway.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Day #18

  83. Dude – it’s totally “Camel straights” – that’s how I actually ordered the unfiltered. Or when someone would pop off the filter? That’s a straight.

    Everyone else is crazy, Dear. Don’t you worry. And keep chiseling!

  84. You have way more fun at work than I do. Even when I have snide and cynical conversations with myself in my head. At least, I’m pretty sure they’re just in my head…

    CircusKelli’s last blog post..Pausing for station identification

  85. Way too funny! It’s nice to have that kind of witty banter with others.
    No one at my office understands me at all.

  86. I thought “straight” was a term everybody used. I know I’ve heard it used around here from time to time (not by me of course, I am way too civilized to smoke a cig without a filter.) And good luck with the paint. And thanks for the kind words.

    Julie Gribble’s last blog post..Insomnia, kinda.

  87. Damn it dude. Your shit is so funny I can’t even come up with a witty comment.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..Saying Goodbye

  88. Whew!

    ‘Cuz when I first read that I thought it said “footballs with toasters”.

    That would be nuts.

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..O Mighty Ketosis…osis….osis

  89. This is my first time here. I was at Mr. Lady’s and was crying as I watched her read her post from Blogher on youtube. Then I clicked on your video and I was crying again, but in that really fucking ugly uncontrolable laughing while simultaneously crying kind of way. I thought I had to come and thank you for that!

  90. My first smoke ever was at about age six, a Camel no filter which my father smokes to this day. He call’s them “Camel-no filter” when buying them, not “straights”.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..Random Blogging Thought

  91. Do I ever come to this place and ever say anything more original than, “DEAR GOD, YOU ARE FUNNY!”



    Loralee’s last blog post..Things Loralee needs to have tattooed on her forehead

  92. Or you could just “break” it. Then they’d have to replace the whole window and render it openable. Openable? Is that like “straight”?

    moosh in indy.’s last blog post..they’re purely ornamental.

  93. i think this is precisely why i love you.

    liv’s last blog post..things can get nasty.

  94. I thought all camels were unfiltered? It’s hard to tell without Joe Camel telling me every day.

    Kile’s last blog post..Cheapo Depot Sangria

  95. I used to carry a small bottle of paint thinner and some razorblades around all the time. Also a medium sized whittling knife. The paint thinner was to take wax build-up off of the cork on my oboe. My teacher showed me how. The razorblades and the knife were to make alterations to my reed. Besides tuning the orchestra and having lots of solos in Tchaikovsky’s works, this is another reason why the oboe is the coolest instrument ever.

    If you needed to borrow them, I would let you. Not my oboe. Just the razorblades and stuff.

    C’s last blog post..There’s A reason Why It’s Called, “The Curse”

  96. A boxcutter might do the windows better than razor blades. But imagine what DJ might have done if you asked him for one of those.

    phd in yogurtry’s last blog post..mother of all hugs or that’s a mother hugger

  97. that’s not funny, it’s serious. i have tried to open windows with a razor blade before and it is IMPERATIVE that you do it right. For INSTANCE…do NOT tell your roommate that you will just shimmy up the outside to the access roof to your third floor apartment in boston( which you have to do because it is 98 degrees and it is the 3rd floor)to slice the painted window open from the outside, and THEN she can hand the razor blade to you.
    Because you wouldn’t want to do anything UNSAFE, like SCALE A WALL WITH A RAZOR BLADE IN YOUR POCKET.
    (tap tap tap)(imperative that you do it right)

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Blogher 08 in a (Very Large) Nutshell

  98. As usual, this is completely brilliant. I could never come near your bloggy brilliance, however, I recently posted a picture of my office window on my blog which will put your office window to shame. Is it rude to post a link to my blog in your comment section? Probably. It would be like I was trying to advertise or something. Anyway, it’s on my blog from July 21 and it’s called “Lockdown.” Seriously, I’d like to see anyone compete with the farce that is my new office.

    New Duck’s last blog post..Ill advised

  99. how is it i NEVER have conversations like this with anyone?!

    biddy’s last blog post..Watch Out!

  100. You should come work here. These are pretty much the only conversations we actually have.

  101. You are hilarious!

    Angela Green’s last blog post..Sunset and Bubble Wrap

  102. I get the same reactions from people, like I’m carrying biohazardous weapons in my pocket and the whole word knows it. My favorite comic Lewis Black says that the people get all blood thirsty cheering on air strikes are the same ones who get said if you say fuck. Interesting.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Ashley Dupre: The Dr. Phil of High-Priced Hookers?

  103. lol…too funny.

    Whatever happened to sleeping pills?? They out of fashion nowadays??

  104. This actually made me laugh out loud which is SUPER rare. I’m totally subscribing now.

  105. I share your pain. Similar challenges with remaining vertical with or without alcohol.


    Maddy’s last blog post..Welcome Home

  106. Waaay too funny!

    Jeff’s last blog post..Dear Diary – Help Me Rhonda

  107. You are beyond funny drunk or sober.

    Adrienne’s last blog post..Saga Roundup

  108. This is all good stuff.

    shonda little’s last blog post..I love you, as long as you don’t touch my beer.

  109. Bossy thinks that you – in any condition she can get you – are terrific.

  110. I haven’t laughed like this in quite a while. I was reading this at work and cackling like a hyena. I just couldn’t stop myself. I only wish that my conversations were this witty and funny. LOL

    Melissa’s last blog post..Children

  111. Holy shit! I have tears streaming down my face I laughed so hard. You always crack me up.


  112. I prefer teddy bears anyway.

    Why It’s Good to Enmesh Your Children

    therapydoc’s last blog post..Bruce Ivins

  113. I just came across your blog and have been silently wheezing and crying with laughter so as not to freak my coworker out. Although I sound like a very sad leaking tire. I hope she’s grateful.

    silverscreenpipedreams’s last blog post..Great New Hope

  114. I realize that this is about 3 years too late, but it’s totally Camel Straights. If for no other reason, because Ethan Hawke says so
    “So I take pleasure in the details. You know… a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle… and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt. ” from Reality Bites.

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