114 thoughts on “I'd settle for some paint thinner and a blowtorch”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. oh my crazy goodness! that was freakin’ hysterial. i can only imagine the people working with you. you sound like you put the “fun” in dysfunctional! i love that!

    natalie’s last blog post..My day and a message.

  4. I think I would go crazy working in a building where the windows didn’t open. I need air, fresh air. It is hot and humid in Houston though so maybe that is why they don’t want the windows open. It sounds like they are conspiring against you to me.

    heartache heartburn’s last blog post..Glimpses of me

  5. I can’t even imagine your personnel file. New entry: “Jenny wants a razor blade and cyanide; denies trying to kill herself. Have supply bring up another filing cabinet.”

  7. I’m trying to pull myself away from the computer…but then I see a post from the amazing bloggess in my reader and i just have to read it… I AM SO GLAD! Too freaking funny. You crack me up. I wish we worked together. (Well, at least when I used to work. Which I did. BUt I don’t. Anymore. I mean real work. Like money-paying work. Not like raising the kids, thankless, get no lovin’, someone take me away, kinda work.)

  10. How stoked was I when up popped the Bloggess on my reader? Super stoked! I swear your freakin’ posts get funnier every time. The mental image of you working at your desk surrounded by a windstorm is enough to keep me laughing all day.

  11. Hmmm, DJ skillfully diverted your attention when you asked just WHAT it was you smelled like. Now I’m curious. You don’t smell like Camels, unplugged, so what DO you smell like?

    The whole razor blade thing reminds me of the convo I had w/my doctor this week. He asked me if my moods were swinging (trying to nail me for early menopause); I said, “Yeah, I never understood PMS from the inside-out til now… Sometimes I just wanna KILL somebody…or at least, hurt ’em” and he quickly said, “Don’t think I’ll put THAT in writing” and he changed the subject.

    Don’t tell anyone, k?

    Robin’s last blog post..Simple pleasures ARE the best!A must-do as soon as you can

  14. I don’t have a photographic memory but I’m often writing down what I’m saying to people as I’m saying it. It’s a terrible, terrible habit and probably come off as crazy or at the least, extremely rude.

  16. That was fan-fucking-tastic! You never fail to entertain. My old office had painted shut windows and it used to drive me crazy. I often thought of it in terms of a jail, of course that might also have had to do with the assholish warden, I mean, boss and the painfully long hours.

    Cara’s last blog post..Touching Down

  17. I do have windows that open. Thank god. Because in my east-facing teeny office directly above the building’s boiler (What? I teach at a university) the temperatures occasionally reach over 100 degrees, and I MUST open the windows in order to let the hot air out before I DIE. Especially when that happens in February and I’m not dressed for the beach.

    But I think your friend is right about the cyanide. It doesn’t work to strip paint. Or so I’ve heard…

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Hanging

  18. When I was 13 or so I used to visit my cousin Robin at her farm. Her dad owned the local feed store, and we would steal CAMEL’S (straight ones) and smoke the whole damn pack while hiding in the cornfield. Then, we would saunter back to the house like we were tough shit. (as if no one could SMELL us…) Jesus that was fun.

    vodkamom’s last blog post..Not my kids…

  20. I wish I worked with you. My coworkers are really sane and boring. And they all smell like camels. But not cigarettes.

  29. You know, chucking a computer modem through that window would probably open it-in the event there was a fire or a bad performance review or the desire to shake things up at the next employee Christmas party.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..The Seventies

  31. I did try to jump out my office window once. But I only got minor scrapes and bruises being that my hands touched the sidewalk before my feet could make it out the window. Short fall. And, no one pitied me or worried about my mental health. Instead they just laughed, called me a dumbass and asked me to “do it again” so they could get a picture of it. I can’t tell you what that’s done for my self esteem.

  32. You my dear have an extremely unique voice, regardless of the hoarseness. It has more to do with what you call a filterless.
    I love that you’re gnawing at the latch during lunch, like a “prison break”. Aptly put.
    But where does the cyanide fit in again?

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Painting With Words

  33. Hilarious! Maybe a pointy pen will do the trick, or unbend a paperclip? Gosh, I was a girl scout, you would think I could provide a good answer to this…um…want the recipe to campfire stew? Instructions on a boondoggle keychain? The proper way to french kiss your hand….yeah…our leader was drunk and passed out most the time…ahhh childhood.

    brittany’s last blog post..Running (er briskly walking) with the devil

  39. My mom painted my windows shut as a teenager. But I managed to get the paint off..so then she had to screw them shut. But if I remember correctly, I used one of those skinny paint scrapers to get the window open. I just wedges it in there a bunch.

    Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..The One Eyed Creeper

  41. Oh my god, I love this. I’d send you some razor blades, but they’d get confiscated by the post guys…they hoard them for that one day, when they go postal.

    Try an electric saw. Or maybe not..maybe you should just get a fan.

    Issa’s last blog post..Mothering is hard…..

  42. This post is so rich with good material to comment on that I can’t think of a damn thing to say. Except, dayum. Good post.

  43. I *knew* it! I knew you were secretly standing in a bucket of water with the hairdryer on in your header picture. How long has it been like this? You know there are help lines, right? Here’s the number- 1-800-SAVE-JENNY.

    Tracey’s last blog post..How Do You Rate?

  49. I had a fly in my office. Could not figure out how it got in, what with all windown hermetically sealed. Did it like sneak in behind someone, then wait for them to open the stair door and fly up the stairs. It would probably be more noticable in the elevator.

    Nicole’s last blog post..The Week in Libations… and some food

  50. I worked in a shortrise (we don’t have high ones here) a few years back and one of the old windows fell out — frame and everything.
    It was on the same floor as I was, and it was down the hall. The biggest problem after that was the pigeons.

    Pamela’s last blog post..Pensieve’s Poetic License

  53. I think I would like to just follow you around all day listening to your conversations. I would laugh so much that I would never feel sad ever again.

    Rachael’s last blog post..Saturday Share #2

  54. “…I’m often writing down what I’m saying to people as I’m saying it.”

    I know that previous conversations in your blog took place while in a vehicle. Was it moving and were you driving. That would be as bad as texting while driving.

    Then again I could be the crazy one.

    Jeremy Martin’s last blog post..PC vs. Mac the final edition…

  55. Because of this little conversation with DJ, I’m afraid that your requisition listing…

    * 3 to 5 razor blades – definitely not to be used for suicide

    …and…

    * cyanide – because we’re out of Liquid Paper

    …will probably go unfilled. But never fear! I have a solution to the whole stuck window problem. When no one is looking, lick the paint away, layer by layer. The first few layers will probably just cause dizziness and mild nausea, but if you’re lucky, at layer 17 or so, you’ll discover lead-based paint. Now you have leverage!

    After licking a layer of lead-based paint, sneak away to have your tongue analyzed using a process called X-ray fluorescence. (Seek out a street vendor who moonlights as an analytical chemist. He’ll know what to do.)

    Then go back to work, hand the test results to your boss, stick out your tongue and say, “If I can’t have my rathor bladeth or my thyanide I’ll go to the thix o-clock newth…” [it’s okay, you can stop sticking out your tongue now] “…and I’ll tell them about the unsafe working conditions.”

    Bingo! You get your razor blades AND your cyanide. Of course, it’s reasonable to assume that if you just keep licking the paint, eventually you won’t need either.

    [Please note the following disclaimers: Cyanide is not an FDA-approved substitute for Liquid Paper. The lead in that #2 pencil you saved from when you were in second grade is not the same as the lead in the paint that makes the pencil yellow. Razor blades are very, very sharp. Neil Patrick Harris is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Neither the advice offered in the above comment nor the disclaimers in these brackets have been verified for accuracy by a street vendor who moonlights as an analytical chemist. Cigarette smoking can lead to death, bad breath, and/or a really sexy voice. Contrary to the claims presented in the “M.A.S.H.” theme song, suicide is not painless.

  56. So, I’m still trying to figure out how you got the camel into the smoker, and why you would smoke straight camels as opposed to gay camels… Oh, you meant the cigarettes!

    [self-FWAP!]

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..I can haz Amazon Burger pleeze?

  61. This is priceless, and makes me miss working in an office. That’s quite a feat, by the way, so you should feel appropriately honored.

    I wish I was considered valuable enough to have had a window in my office, just for the light. Though being always unsatisfied with what I’ve got, I definitely would have had those windows open after week 1. So you can begin deferring to me now on that speculation alone.

    One last thing– you need to do a sequel of you confronting DJ and demanding to know what you smell like.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Sometimes you feel like a nut

  62. Totally harkened me back to the time I asked a coworker to borrow some rope, a garbage bag, and a shovel.

    The reality was, my car was stuck in the snow and I had an elaborate scheme to haul it out of the muck. But he immediately deduced I was planning to kidnap, violate, and bury him on some godforsaken country road.

    Which would not have been half as funny if he didn’t outweigh me by a good 70 pounds and tower over me by nearly a foot. I was flattered until I realized I was being mocked. Still…

    Danke, Lipschin, for the laugh.

    MeL’s last blog post..Have You Seen My Brain?

  65. Why do bosses only pay attention and listen to you when you say you’re not going to kill yourself but otherwise they ignore you when you say you could just die? Whassup with that?

  66. I live in a really old house and I have also had problems with windows that have been painted shut. What I usually do is fashion a a tool out of a toothbrush and a fork. A shank, if you will.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Dave’s Hog

  77. Every damn time. In fact, I just got here and looked at the windows and screamed in frustration. Actually it was more of an argh than a scream but you know what I mean.

    Although Allie brings up an excellent point. I do have scissors. And a stolen lighter.

    Either I’m opening the window or I’m burning down the building. Whichever happens first.

  80. Your blog is hysterical… and I’ve totally pulled the ravorblades-to-windows manouver at an old apartment. Tell me it’s not a safety concern that the windows that faced the fire escape were painted shut??? (On further inspection they were also NAILED shut. I think that’s when I just gave up and hoped there was never a fire. After 6 months I moved out.)

    Kimmers’s last blog post..Weekend Wrapup

  81. New reader here. Heard about you from BlogHer and decided to check you out. I love this post! Hilarious.

  83. Dude – it’s totally “Camel straights” – that’s how I actually ordered the unfiltered. Or when someone would pop off the filter? That’s a straight.

    Everyone else is crazy, Dear. Don’t you worry. And keep chiseling!

  85. Way too funny! It’s nice to have that kind of witty banter with others.
    No one at my office understands me at all.

  86. I thought “straight” was a term everybody used. I know I’ve heard it used around here from time to time (not by me of course, I am way too civilized to smoke a cig without a filter.) And good luck with the paint. And thanks for the kind words.

    Julie Gribble’s last blog post..Insomnia, kinda.

  89. This is my first time here. I was at Mr. Lady’s and was crying as I watched her read her post from Blogher on youtube. Then I clicked on your video and I was crying again, but in that really fucking ugly uncontrolable laughing while simultaneously crying kind of way. I thought I had to come and thank you for that!

  95. I used to carry a small bottle of paint thinner and some razorblades around all the time. Also a medium sized whittling knife. The paint thinner was to take wax build-up off of the cork on my oboe. My teacher showed me how. The razorblades and the knife were to make alterations to my reed. Besides tuning the orchestra and having lots of solos in Tchaikovsky’s works, this is another reason why the oboe is the coolest instrument ever.

    If you needed to borrow them, I would let you. Not my oboe. Just the razorblades and stuff.

    C’s last blog post..There’s A reason Why It’s Called, “The Curse”

  97. that’s not funny, it’s serious. i have tried to open windows with a razor blade before and it is IMPERATIVE that you do it right. For INSTANCE…do NOT tell your roommate that you will just shimmy up the outside to the access roof to your third floor apartment in boston( which you have to do because it is 98 degrees and it is the 3rd floor)to slice the painted window open from the outside, and THEN she can hand the razor blade to you.
    Because you wouldn’t want to do anything UNSAFE, like SCALE A WALL WITH A RAZOR BLADE IN YOUR POCKET.
    (tap tap tap)(imperative that you do it right)

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Blogher 08 in a (Very Large) Nutshell

  98. As usual, this is completely brilliant. I could never come near your bloggy brilliance, however, I recently posted a picture of my office window on my blog which will put your office window to shame. Is it rude to post a link to my blog in your comment section? Probably. It would be like I was trying to advertise or something. Anyway, it’s on my blog from July 21 and it’s called “Lockdown.” Seriously, I’d like to see anyone compete with the farce that is my new office.

    New Duck’s last blog post..Ill advised

  110. I haven’t laughed like this in quite a while. I was reading this at work and cackling like a hyena. I just couldn’t stop myself. I only wish that my conversations were this witty and funny. LOL

    Melissa’s last blog post..Children

  114. I realize that this is about 3 years too late, but it’s totally Camel Straights. If for no other reason, because Ethan Hawke says so
    “So I take pleasure in the details. You know… a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle… and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt. ” from Reality Bites.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

We have played and loved every single gorgeous, solve-a-crime box @puzzlingpursuits has made and their latest one is perfect for game night AND they’re giving a bunch away to y’all. Just leave a comment here saying why you want one and they’ll let you know if you win. Whoop!
Happy Caturday to all who celebrate.
Poem of the day:
If you ordered signed copies of my books from @nowherebookshop I just signed a shit-ton of them with increasingly erratic inscriptions. I’m so sorry.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d