A letter to my very anal husband who is asleep in the other room

Hi. 

I know.  The weird pattern in the butter dish, right?  By now you’ve surely discovered it and are probably freaking out.  Well, last night I discovered that if I make eggos I can skip the butter knife and just drop the waffle in the butter tub.  It’s awesome.  Except that the hot waffle melts a weird pattern in the butter like an all-yellow plaid and the plastic tub melts a bit.  I know you’d prefer I use a knife because you’re kind of a little neurotic about this stuff but honestly I’m just not that kind of girl.  Mostly because I’m trying to save the environment by not dirtying a knife that would have to be washed.  I’m kind of a hero.  Also the knives are like all the way on the other side of the kitchen.  Poor planning on your part.  And by “on your part” I mean “by letting me unpack the kitchen when we moved in”.  I mean, I guess we could just switch the utensil drawer with the take-out menu drawer but that seems like a lot of work.  Unless I just pulled out the drawers completely and switched them!

Okay, now we have two drawers lying on the kitchen floor.  I got them both out but I can’t get them back in.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Don’t look in the butter dish.

PS.  If anything you should be thanking me for the butter texturizer.  Remember that fucking ridiculous kick-ass burberrry car we saw and you were all “Wow!  I wish someone would do that to my car butter!”  Well, merry Christmas, asshole.

PPS.  I’m sorry I called you an asshole.  That was uncalled for.  Also, by now you’ve read this post and will surely exclaim that you did not ask me to burberry the car or anything else but really, you’ve got more important things to focus on.  Like fixing the 3 drawers that are on the kitchen floor.  I know.  But I thought if I took one more out slowly I could see how it worked and fix the others before you wake up but that totally didn’t work.  But I stopped at three.  You’re welcome.

PPPS.  Shit!  Okay, I thought maybe one more would give me the secret putting-the-drawer-back key.  Turns out?  Not so much.  At this point I’m considering setting fire to the kitchen to cover my tracks but I’m sure you’d just blame that on me too.  So I won’t because I know you’d be a jerk about it.  Also because that would be wrong and I would never set fire to our house.

PPPPS.  Okay, I just set fire to the house but it was on accident.  I was trying to make you a pizza for breakfast and accidentally put a bunch of towels in the oven.  I know it seems suspicious since I was just talking about burning down the house but it’s just a horrible, horrible coincidence.  I have to think that this never would have happened had our builders not put the bathroom so close to the oven.  It’s like they wanted me to set fire to the house.  Those guys are the assholes.  Not you.  I love you. 

PPPPPS.  I’m going to stop at the store on the way home and buy you your very own tub of butter so you don’t have to see the melty burberry one.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I didn’t just think of that in the first place.

PPPPPPS. None of this is actually true except for the butter part.  Aren’t you relieved?  I know you are.  And now you’re much less likely to freak out about the butter because, Jesus, it’s not like I tried to burn the house down (except for that one time when I did but that was an accident and the builder’s fault too because who the hell leaves the oven instructions inside the oven?  Someone who wants us all dead, that’s who.)  This was all just an exercise in perspective.

PPPPPPPS. Don’t look in the butter dish.

Comment of the day: I just shaved our dog to distract my kids from the dead hamster. It’s all about smoke and mirrors and subterfuge.  ~CarolynOnline

200 thoughts on “A letter to my very anal husband who is asleep in the other room

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I just realized that the tub of Country Crock……is so large that an Eggo will fit perfectly. Sigh……you are a freaking genius! Note: Works for pancakes too. I don’t do dishes….plastic is forever(recyclable). Peace, Mike.

  2. “…I’m trying to save the environment by not dirtying a knife that would have to be washed. I’m kind of a hero. ”

    A true hero would use the knife and then simply wipe it clean on their shirt. This way you would not have to run water to clean it before putting it back into the drawer. In doing so you are actually sacrificing something by walking around with a grease stain all day. Additionally, it would be a fantastic conversation piece and would allow you to come up with some zany story to tell everyone you see. If you ask me THAT would truly be a win/win for all.

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Paradoxical sleep…

  3. Excellent distraction technique, Grasshopper. You are well on your way to becoming a Master of Distraction Ninja. Soon, you will have mastered the ultimate skill: distracting your daughter when she loses a beloved toy or drops her ice cream.

    Velma’s last blog post..The Funny

  4. Don’t feel bad, I almost burned my house down with a microwave. Note to self: NEVER put chips in a microwave for safe keeping from non-existent rodents.

  5. You have an actual butter DISH? Very high klass, Bloggess. Very high klass.

    P.S. I know I’m spelling Klass wrong. I did it on purpose.

    P.P.S. Highlarious post.

    P.P.P.S. I know I spelled Highlarious wrong. I did it on purpose.

  6. It should be illegal to make someone laugh this hard this early in the morning!
    My, what an exciting life you lead…all these would-be assassins after you!

  7. This really sounds like something I would be explaining to my poor husband. In a lot of ways, marrying a not typical woman like myself has advantages. I don’t give a shit if he stays out all night playing poker, unless of course he doesn’t put out first.
    But, with all sunshiney good times, you do have to put up with my dragging your kids to war protests or teaching them to tell other adults that, “My momma doesn’t care if I cuss so long as I never use a double negative, hillbilly.” This butter thing just sounds like something out of my play book. I’m just sad I didn’t think of it.
    I can give you my husband’s number if you think yours would like to call him to form some sort of support group for men married to quirky women.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Bedroom Invasion

  8. I love the butter thing. I may try it. Except that we use Country Crock, and when you open it, there is a swirly bit in the center that looks like a Hershey Kiss, and I always keep there that as long as possible. I wouldn’t want to mess that up. 🙂

    3carnations’s last blog post..CYOB

  9. ::rolling around laughing::

    ::assuring my coworkers that I wasn’t having a seizure, I was just laughing at this awesomely funny blog post online::

    ::rolling around laughing with my coworkers::

  10. Well, there’s got to be something good about having an anal husband, right? I mean, I’ve had to resort to drastics measures at my house, basically because my hubby is the antithesis of all that is anal.

    http://www.houndrat.com/2008/08/03/how-to-sell-your-husbands-crap-on-ebay-and-not-tell-him/

    But I guess the grass is always greener, lol…

    And I love the butter tub waffle idea.

    houndrat’s last blog post..How to sell your husband’s crap on ebay and not tell him

  11. Wow. If he has a problem with your awesome butter/waffle hack, you can call the ninja to whip some sense into him. That has got to be the cleverest hack I’ve seen all week… wait it’s Monday… counting last week. I think you should write to Make Magazine about that one… that’s just too cool.

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..Fighting Dogs

  12. OK, seriously, I was having a kind of ugly Monday morning. Not so much now. Thanks for the laugh, that is awesome!

  13. The current tragedy in my life- earth balance butter only comes in small tubs… *sigh*

    Guess I’ll have to be happy with the cool corn cob marks on our cube of butter in it’s little, crystal dish. (We will not be adding a third variety of butter to our line-up.)

    Bet your getting a giggle out of all us crazy peeps making art in our butter a la Jenny.

  14. My hubs drags a fork through the butter when applying it to veggies and such. A FORK. Where I have nice, smooth butter, he puts in grooves like he’s plowed the back forty. I don’t like the extra time I have to put in re-smoothing it.

    Robyn’s last blog post..Books: Dead Or Undead?

  15. What you really need is a wonderfully sweet animal that is willing to take the fall for anything you do wrong. For example: my sweet, sweet Nikopol is just a darling cat who once got up on the fridge and knocked over a bottle of the hubby’s scotch. Ever since then, he’s been the scapegoat for any of my idiot moves. . .like breaking yet another wine glass. . . .or tripping on the tv cables and forcing the hubby to spend an hour re-wiring everything. . .or spilling orange juice on the hubby’s new book. 🙂

    Cory O’s last blog post..Imitation is the Best Form of Flattery?

  16. If my wife was making funny shapes in the butter with waffles I’d just say “Thanks for making waffles”.

    Of course last week I mentioned to her that if faced with the prospect of having to put the cover on the comforter I’d just as soon burn the house down because it is too damn complicated. I’d just say that I was almost done when the flames overtook me.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..Never Losing The Feeling

  17. just had to say thanks because I thought I was weird but I am not. I think like you and I did not find that post weird, just funny so I must not be weird, just funny and anyone who does not laugh just has no sense of humor. That or maybe they are the asshole. Right. So, thanks!

    daphne’s last blog post..The Sneak Attack

  18. some days i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does, which is how you write. which makes me believe that your brain works that way too. and now, i’m sad for us both.

    i too, dislike unnecessary dirtying of dishes and utensils.

    piglet’s last blog post..so maybe i do have tourettes

  19. Mmm. I want Eggos. But my butter dish isn’t big enough. Really, the Eggo in the butter dish is genius, just like the ear of corn in the stick of butter. That would probably drive him nuts too, though, huh.

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Perfect Day

  20. I’ve got to try this .. the whole do something regrettable, confess to things 10 times worse, then retract the really bad things to make the original sin seem not so bad at all. It’s pure genius.

    mrs b. roth’s last blog post..A Night Job For Mommy

  21. Hey, I just broke a glass trying to kill a fly, but I reassured Mistah that it’s a WHOLE hell of a lot better than burning the house down, so give me a break, wouldja?

    Ellie’s last blog post..Putt Putt

  22. I come by your site every few days looking for helpful cooking tips and wa-laa! the butter thing. Can’t wait to try it out. (Of course that will require me to make an eggo waffle, but I’ve been meaning to branch out anyway…)

  23. My college roommate hated it when the butter in the tub wasn’t smooth. I used to put butter on things that obviously didn’t need butter just to have the chance to furrow her smooth butter.

    (that sounds kinda sordid, but really, I just liked screwing with her)

    (but not like that)

    (Not that there’s anything wrong with it…)

    ktjrdn’s last blog post..Your opinion please

  24. Much MUCH worse are those people who butter their corn by rolling the ear over the entire stick. Ack! Corn silks and bits of corn embedded forever in my stick of butter. That is truly a tragedy.

    Your post? Hilarious. The kitchen drawers alone will have me giggling all day.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..The End of the Secrets

  25. Joe hates it when there are toast crumbs in the butter. I imagine waffle-prints in the butter would make him cross-eyed.
    It makes him damn-near psychotic when we roll our corn on the cob directly on the stick of butter causing a “corn-dent”.

    Catizhere’s last blog post..Church talk

  26. Great. Now I have that song “Big Butter Jesus” by Heywood Banks stuck in my head. “Country Fresh Jesus, Oleo Lord…”

  27. In college, I used to dunk my oreos in the peanut butter jar (best idea I’ve ever had, seriously.) and my roommate hated it because there would always be oreo crumbs in the peanut butter.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Day #25

  28. I have to make sure I use certain things in the proper order to appease my fella. Like always peanut butter before jelly because jelly apparently turns into little grape turds when accidentally knifed into the PB. Oh and mustard/mayo…don’t even think about using that mayo knife in the mustard jar. Might as well start packing.

  29. @fairlyoddmother

    I know, that is the worst. Wait, no it’s not. According to my husband, the worst is when I am making guacamole and ***accidentally*** get the avocado in the sour cream. It really makes my man fucking crazy.

  30. Of all the Bloggess posts I wish I could send back in time to read when I was the parent of young children, this is one of them.

    Back when the kids were still Eggo-ists, parenting success was determined solely by my ability to fill every little Eggo crevice with butter. Any square (or triangle – don’t forget the edges) left unbuttered was akin to neglecting some important aspect of their mental and/or emotional development. (And I think it screwed with their immune system, too.)

    Had I known about the butter-tub process then (and applied it daily), perhaps my children wouldn’t have grown up to be hackers and spammers and terrorists. Not that they are yet. But based on my recollection of the number of Eggo holes left unbuttered, it’s only a matter of time.

  31. You husband’s anal tirades (how’s that for interesting Google searches) must be as frightening as my husband’s. Do they have any idea how much they stress us out?

    The Introvert’s last blog post..self love

  32. So why don’t you just rub the waffle in the butter prior to toasting it then put it in the toaster? That would take care of it all… burning down the house I mean. Then you could blame it on the fucking toaster!

  33. That car is plaid. Your husband could get a matching pair of golf pants and hat. If he does divorce him, become a Lesbian. A Lesbian could fix your drawers.

  34. When we get odd marks in the butter it’s not even from corn. It’s because one of the cats has been licking it because someone left it out on the counter uncovered again. Personally? I’d prefer waffled butter.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Comfortable? Really?

  35. Bonus environmentally friendly butter tip. If you use sticks of butter instead of tubs, you can unwrap one end, leaving the other for a handle and use it like a crayon to draw butter on your toast, eggo, etc. My dad griped at me for it when I started doing it, but now that I’m out of the house he swears by it.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Monthly Newsletter #22

  36. You didn’t fool me, bitch. Now move your skinny little butt across that kitchen, get out a butter knife and smooth those dents out! Now, damn it!

    P.S. Use the straight top edge of the knife, not the ridged part. And only go in one direction, not back and forth.

    {Anal People Rule!}

    Momish’s last blog post..Then & Now – Same Old, Same Old

  37. From now on, this is the way I will eat my Eggos. That sounds absolutely divine.

    Oh, and builders with fire issues can SUCK IT. Our builder put the only smoke detector on our main floor in the hallway just opposite the kitchen and the oven. Whenever we open the oven, the smoke detector gets a blast of heat. Nothing like a fire alarm dinner bell. Bastards.

    Andrea’s last blog post..Embarrassing Moment #3521987

  38. OH MY HECK, Jenny!
    You crack me up!
    I’m a long-time, Twitter-connected lurker, but had to tell you that you made my day. Belly laughs are good for the soul and the kegels must be paying off because the laughs were okay with the bladder, too.

    Kate’s last blog post..Reason to Celebrate!

  39. I hope my wife doesn’t see this post since it would appeal to her laziness. Also, why the hell are the knives always dirty? I can NEVER find a clean knife when I need one.

    Kile’s last blog post..Gin and Tonic

  40. Gotta love the Bloggess but I am sorry, I can’t read you anymore. I almost died reading this. I was laughing so hard that I started coughing, the coughing turned to not breathing…. and still I couldn’t stop laughing.

    And that is how the Bloggess almost killed Single Mom Finding herself. Did I mention I am on a Medical Leave from work and can’t have this kind of stimulation?

    Love ya, girlie… I was just kidding, I will read you until I die. (smoooch)

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Waaayyyyy toooo cute!!

  41. Who says laziness can’t lead to artfulness? It’s amazing how sometimes those three short steps across the kitchen to the utensil drawer just seems like a marathon not worth running. And, in this case, it wasn’t!

  42. I. LOVE. YOU!

    I still can’t work butter. I know there is a knack, but no matter how much I leave it to soften I still rip the bread into pieces. Butter is my nemesis.

    And Avocados (Devils testicles) EW Buttery Avocados. VILE mental image. Buttery avocados and squid cooked in a volcano. WORST MEAL EVER!

    Clint’s last blog post..Boy for hire…

  43. We use our stick butter like glue sticks. Since my children eat toast at least once a day, I taught them how so I wouldn’t have to get out a knife every time they wanted to have toast. Now we use it for everything, corn, bread, waffles, pancakes.
    Jenny, you crack me up, I have nothing witty to say because you sucked all the wit right out of me with that post. It would be a great scene in a sitcom. I love you.

  44. Normally I would sit here and try and say something witty to match your wittiness… and fail miserably but not actually REALISE that I had failed miserably until like 4 in the morning when I would realise that what I said was completely stupid and only made sense to me and the ninja that live in my closet.

    So I will just say, girl, that was so funny I am stealing it and leaving it on my husbands pillow, substituting the ‘butter’ for ‘YOUR FACE’.

    Oh, and I like snorted Fruit and Nut chocolate out my nose. Do they have that on Planet Jenny? Cause it is totally awesome. But not so much when it is lodged in your nasal cavity. Where do I send the bill for its removal?

    Kelley’s last blog post..I was going to write a post…

  45. The last time I had Eggos, I got this kind of short term addiction to Eggos and ate about eight boxes in a couple of days. I’ve got to stay away from those kind of things. Fortunately I don’t think that they have Eggos in Oz. But they do have the most ungodly crack laced ice cream sandwiches…

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Well child, are your lessons done?

  46. I need you to write a letter to my husband to explain the following:
    Why I cannot balance a checking account
    Why I cannot make the bed EVERY single day
    Why I need more attention whilst I’m sick or in any small amount of pain

    Queenie’s last blog post..DESERTED ISLAND LIST

  47. Jesus, that was hi-larious. I should quit blogging right now because I could never write anything so funny, but I’m too full of myself to stop my public rambling.

    Not So Exciting Andi’s last blog post..Tired.

  48. Wow! You get up early enough to even make breakfast? That my friend is NOT lazy. Hitting the snooze button until you have exactly 45 minutes to get dressed and out of the house, now THAT is lazy. (uh, who does that?) What a great idea of dipping the waffles in the butter. Genius!

    Oh! And my son almost burned our house down once putting a can of jalapeños in the microwave.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I Made Good Mom/Bad Mom Again!

  49. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  50. I love when I learn things from other people and wow this post I learned so much. First, the proper application of butter to eggos and second, when telling something start the explanation with…”Okay, I just set fire to the house but it was on accident.”

    Girl…you my brain happy and my sides hurt!

    Jenn’s last blog post..The Dark Knight

  51. Hello gorgeous! I’m going to write a note to your husband too.

    “Dear Jenny’s husband. Do you realize that your wife is BRILLIANT. That she should be hanging out with David Sedaris and swapping crazy stories with him over gin and tonics? Think of that the next time you trip over the kitchen drawers sir. Maybe take a picture of that butter tub and frame it so you can say you knew her when she was just messing with eggos in your kitchen.”

  52. You should put food coloring in the butter Burberry to make it even more plaid. That way, it would be both butter and art. You can’t go wrong with that. Like the dudes at the fair who make butter sculptures? You would be the DIY butter sculptress. Awesome.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..My couch! It’s exciting!

  53. The best is when you get the stick butter. Then you can use it like a butter crayon on everything. You’ll never need a butter knife again.

    P.S. My husband hates when I do this.

  54. Although I lurve the idea of the ‘EBD’
    Eggo-Butter-Drop, doesn’t anyone use
    squeeze butter? Butter in a squeeze tube…what could be more 21st century? A Burberry Car perhaps?

  55. Wow! I can relate with the anal husband! If I perhaps left a light on because maybe I planned to go back into that room or heaven forbid I just forgot to turn it off it’s like I am the anti-christ and we are living through the apocalypse. And holy fuck if he finds toast crumbs in the butter he is likely to shit blood for a week! The ultimate crime, using the same knife for peanut butter as for the jam! Last week I made strawberry rhubarb crisp and apparently the “crisp” wasn’t quite right thus I heard about it all fucking week long! Needless to say we have separate butter dishes!

    Loving Danger’s last blog post..Your Nerd

  56. I’m the anal one in my family, so there’s a tub of margarine in the fridge with my husband’s name on it. Same as the mayo. That way he can leave all his crumbs up in there and I won’t go ape-shit on his ass.

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Clutter Begets Clutter

  57. Amazon is SO judgemental. Just wait until they ping one of the ten thousand entries where I post a picture of my butt. I’ll be getting ads for lipo! But, JOKE IS ON THEM because I’m saving my butt fat for a flotation device in event of a water landing!

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Fame, Fortune and Porn

  58. Genius. And let me now reiterate it as an anal husband myself– this is just genius. It almost makes me not want to kill my wife when she does stuff like this, thinking that maybe she could tell me a hilarious story about it to make up for it.

    Little Ms. Scheherezade had better get cracking.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..10 ways work differs from home

  59. We go through so many butter knives every morning because there are four kids and they are incapable of coordinating their wake-up times so that I can butter bagels and waffles and toast all at the SAME TIME with ONE KNIFE. But NOW it is all clear to me – just dip the shit in the butter tub. Done. No muss, no fuss.

    Fiona Picklebottom’s last blog post..Which ones should I enter?

  60. Okay what you should do is invest in that spray butter. Then you can hose down the eggo, shove it in your mouth, squirt syrup directly in there and save both a knife AND a plate! 🙂 Super hero!

    Oh, just watch out for the spray butter on the floor…. 🙂

  61. So how that tongue twister go?

    The Bloggess bought butter but the butter was bitter so The Bloggess bought better butter to make the bitter butter better…

    Musing’s last blog post..First kiss

  62. This post was hilarious because I have actually done the drawer thing. We rented this old house that had the weirdest tracks I have ever seen. You practically had to turn the drawers upside down and inside out to get them back in. Anyway, my husband ended up having to put 3 back because I couldn’t figure out how to get the first one back in. And now that my kids talk, I can’t blame that kind of shit on them anymore (I tried, oldest piped up, “I DID NOT TAKE THE DRAWERS OUT, QUIT KIDDING MOM!”)

  63. First, I should no better than to read your posts before going pee first. In the toilet, I mean. Because now, I have to change my pants. That’s annoying. At least the bed didn’t get wet. That would have been hard to explain to the hubs.

    Second, butter. Yum.

    Third, I think they actually sell things that make patterns in your butter. Like on eBay. Antiques. So, you have totally save your husband a shitload of money. He should be thanking you.

    califmom’s last blog post..Near and Far

  64. My first time reading your blog and this is the funniest blog post I have ever read. I think I have fallen in love with your blog. I guess since I am the 500th person to comment and all I can come up with is to kiss your ass I should probably delete this comment. Except that I am totally sincere. Hope you have a great day because you totally made mine.

    Marsha’s last blog post..First day of Kindergarten

  65. I don’t even WANT to find this so funny, because I kind of hate things that are funny, but I do, and so I’m laughing and feeling annoyed all at the same time. Maybe I have issues that could be fixed by eating more butter.

    becky’s last blog post..In No Particular Order

  66. Ok the bus and the finger on the screw thing is a little weird but all the other stuff?

    I am so afraid of using public restrooms that I have rented hotel rooms before just to go…

  67. I stumbled across this, i have not laughed so hard in a long time. Thank you for writing this. I will share with all my friends.

  68. I hope your husband knows how blessed he is to have you in his life. And also that when he stops thinking that he is probably out of his his prescription meds 😉

    No but seriously. Your husband is lucky. He should be yelling “Score!” at the top of his lungs every morning he wakes up and sees you.

    Elisa’s last blog post..The road to mess is paved with good intentions

  69. OMG… I almost wet myself with this one. You know when you want to laugh hysterically but you can’t bc you’re in your office, alone, and people walking by would look at you funny? I’m so there. Which caused me to do the horrible “laughing with no noise”, which then caused me to laugh until I cried. Really.. not my coworkers are asking if everything is ok. Rats….

    Stephanie’s last blog post..I’ve been called worse.

  70. This is possibly one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read.

    I feel like it’s future me writing a note to my future husband.

    Erin’s last blog post..Loves it.

  71. I agree with my sister, post 185. Mr. Perfect, I hope you read this. I love you Erny, you crazy biatch!

  72. I have to say that I found this blog completely by accident – random link to an army of transvestites…anyways, this specific blog about the butter dish is one of the funniest things I have ever read and I thank you for making my day. I physically had to leave my desk because of laughter.

    You’re great!

  73. Funny that you’re talking about butter and you mention Jesus AND fires in the same post.. True story, no shit, but there was a 60 ft. statue of Jesus down the road from me who was golden yellow. The exact color of butter. In fact, he was known as “Big Butter Jesus” by the entire state of Ohio. A goddam 60tf tall butter statue resembling Jesus.! He was also called Touchdown Jesus for other reasons. That is, until he got struck by lightening and burnt to the ground. I can’t even make this shit up.

  74. Now .. don’t laugh. But I really did start a fire in my brand-new apartment on the day we moved in. Yup, we were the first tenants and the stupid builders/installers left the instructions to the oven IN the oven. I mean .. why should I look inside the electric oven, it’s not like I had to light the pilot light or something. All I wanted to do was make Italian/garlic bread to go with the spaghetti and meatballs to feed the three guys who helped us move in. I admit to always having a fireman fantasy, but this was not the way I wanted to meet one!!!

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