A letter to my very anal husband who is asleep in the other room

Hi. 

I know.  The weird pattern in the butter dish, right?  By now you’ve surely discovered it and are probably freaking out.  Well, last night I discovered that if I make eggos I can skip the butter knife and just drop the waffle in the butter tub.  It’s awesome.  Except that the hot waffle melts a weird pattern in the butter like an all-yellow plaid and the plastic tub melts a bit.  I know you’d prefer I use a knife because you’re kind of a little neurotic about this stuff but honestly I’m just not that kind of girl.  Mostly because I’m trying to save the environment by not dirtying a knife that would have to be washed.  I’m kind of a hero.  Also the knives are like all the way on the other side of the kitchen.  Poor planning on your part.  And by “on your part” I mean “by letting me unpack the kitchen when we moved in”.  I mean, I guess we could just switch the utensil drawer with the take-out menu drawer but that seems like a lot of work.  Unless I just pulled out the drawers completely and switched them!

Okay, now we have two drawers lying on the kitchen floor.  I got them both out but I can’t get them back in.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Don’t look in the butter dish.

PS.  If anything you should be thanking me for the butter texturizer.  Remember that fucking ridiculous kick-ass burberrry car we saw and you were all “Wow!  I wish someone would do that to my car butter!”  Well, merry Christmas, asshole.

PPS.  I’m sorry I called you an asshole.  That was uncalled for.  Also, by now you’ve read this post and will surely exclaim that you did not ask me to burberry the car or anything else but really, you’ve got more important things to focus on.  Like fixing the 3 drawers that are on the kitchen floor.  I know.  But I thought if I took one more out slowly I could see how it worked and fix the others before you wake up but that totally didn’t work.  But I stopped at three.  You’re welcome.

PPPS.  Shit!  Okay, I thought maybe one more would give me the secret putting-the-drawer-back key.  Turns out?  Not so much.  At this point I’m considering setting fire to the kitchen to cover my tracks but I’m sure you’d just blame that on me too.  So I won’t because I know you’d be a jerk about it.  Also because that would be wrong and I would never set fire to our house.

PPPPS.  Okay, I just set fire to the house but it was on accident.  I was trying to make you a pizza for breakfast and accidentally put a bunch of towels in the oven.  I know it seems suspicious since I was just talking about burning down the house but it’s just a horrible, horrible coincidence.  I have to think that this never would have happened had our builders not put the bathroom so close to the oven.  It’s like they wanted me to set fire to the house.  Those guys are the assholes.  Not you.  I love you. 

PPPPPS.  I’m going to stop at the store on the way home and buy you your very own tub of butter so you don’t have to see the melty burberry one.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I didn’t just think of that in the first place.

PPPPPPS. None of this is actually true except for the butter part.  Aren’t you relieved?  I know you are.  And now you’re much less likely to freak out about the butter because, Jesus, it’s not like I tried to burn the house down (except for that one time when I did but that was an accident and the builder’s fault too because who the hell leaves the oven instructions inside the oven?  Someone who wants us all dead, that’s who.)  This was all just an exercise in perspective.

PPPPPPPS. Don’t look in the butter dish.

Comment of the day: I just shaved our dog to distract my kids from the dead hamster. It’s all about smoke and mirrors and subterfuge.  ~CarolynOnline

200 replies. read them below or add one

  1. What butter dish? LOL. Good work distracting Victor and us!

  2. Dude, at least you have a butter dish. I get back home to discover my butter is GONE. Like, you couldn’t use your own butter while I was away? Stupid men.

    Missy’s last blog post..Home Sweet Birthday

  3. 3
    Mike Marshall

    I just realized that the tub of Country Crock……is so large that an Eggo will fit perfectly. Sigh……you are a freaking genius! Note: Works for pancakes too. I don’t do dishes….plastic is forever(recyclable). Peace, Mike.

  4. Naw, he didn’t really like that fugly car. Did he? Really?

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Medicine Man

  5. LOL 🙂

    Who tooted in the butter?

    Greis (Grace)’s last blog post..What’s a girl gotta do to get this kind of deal???

  6. “…I’m trying to save the environment by not dirtying a knife that would have to be washed. I’m kind of a hero. ”

    A true hero would use the knife and then simply wipe it clean on their shirt. This way you would not have to run water to clean it before putting it back into the drawer. In doing so you are actually sacrificing something by walking around with a grease stain all day. Additionally, it would be a fantastic conversation piece and would allow you to come up with some zany story to tell everyone you see. If you ask me THAT would truly be a win/win for all.

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Paradoxical sleep…

  7. The pattern is not the only benefit. The butter is now also sprinkled with Eggo jimmies. He’s getting FREE toppings on his next ear of corn or wheat toast. Or Eggo. Damn, he is on ungrateful summabitch.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..How to Survive a Terrorist Attack by a Supermodel

  8. You should have just told him you used the eggo to cover up the mouse tracks.

    Jim’s last blog post..The youngest Marx brother

  9. Thank you so much for enlightening me. I’ve already had a couple Eggo’s this morning but now I feel the need for another.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Sunday: For Jenboglass

  10. zOMG, now I have this overwhelming urge to eat Eggos with poached eggs on top for dinner.

    After dipping the Eggos in the butter dish, of course.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Manic Monday: not all it’s cracked up to be

  11. Excellent distraction technique, Grasshopper. You are well on your way to becoming a Master of Distraction Ninja. Soon, you will have mastered the ultimate skill: distracting your daughter when she loses a beloved toy or drops her ice cream.

    Velma’s last blog post..The Funny

  12. Don’t feel bad, I almost burned my house down with a microwave. Note to self: NEVER put chips in a microwave for safe keeping from non-existent rodents.

  13. I was all ready to send you instructions on how to get the drawers back in. That’s just the kind of awesome person I am.

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..What We Have to Look Forward to in Our Golden Years

  14. You have an actual butter DISH? Very high klass, Bloggess. Very high klass.

    P.S. I know I’m spelling Klass wrong. I did it on purpose.

    P.P.S. Highlarious post.

    P.P.P.S. I know I spelled Highlarious wrong. I did it on purpose.

  15. I have to scare the butter out of the dish evenly or it makes me crazy that one side is more used then the other. Same with hand cream jars, and peanut butter…and…crap. I am crazy.

    KD @ A Bit Squirrelly’s last blog post..“As You Wish” Auds!

  16. It should be illegal to make someone laugh this hard this early in the morning!
    My, what an exciting life you lead…all these would-be assassins after you!

  17. Gawd, I hope he thanks you for all your trouble!

    rimarama’s last blog post..Clicktastic

  18. you know, i’m torn here, farting means you’re relaxed. so in a way you blessed the butter dish.

    furiousball’s last blog post..canoe carnival

  19. This really sounds like something I would be explaining to my poor husband. In a lot of ways, marrying a not typical woman like myself has advantages. I don’t give a shit if he stays out all night playing poker, unless of course he doesn’t put out first.
    But, with all sunshiney good times, you do have to put up with my dragging your kids to war protests or teaching them to tell other adults that, “My momma doesn’t care if I cuss so long as I never use a double negative, hillbilly.” This butter thing just sounds like something out of my play book. I’m just sad I didn’t think of it.
    I can give you my husband’s number if you think yours would like to call him to form some sort of support group for men married to quirky women.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Bedroom Invasion

  20. I love the butter thing. I may try it. Except that we use Country Crock, and when you open it, there is a swirly bit in the center that looks like a Hershey Kiss, and I always keep there that as long as possible. I wouldn’t want to mess that up. 🙂

    3carnations’s last blog post..CYOB

  21. I wish I had a butter dish 🙁

  22. Welcome to my world, where everyone has their own cartoon of milk and the counter is covered in his and hers butter.

    Whit’s last blog post..For Whom the Bell Tolls

  23. I think in some cultures they would call you a ‘butter artiste’.

    Or ‘arsonist’.

    Alice’s last blog post..Please Don’t Be Shy!

  24. ::rolling around laughing::

    ::assuring my coworkers that I wasn’t having a seizure, I was just laughing at this awesomely funny blog post online::

    ::rolling around laughing with my coworkers::

  25. This had me laughing so hard cause I’m the type to take out another drawer to see if I can find the secret behind putting them back in. Too funny!

    Mary Beth’s last blog post..ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME, AND MORE!

  26. Well, there’s got to be something good about having an anal husband, right? I mean, I’ve had to resort to drastics measures at my house, basically because my hubby is the antithesis of all that is anal.

    http://www.houndrat.com/2008/08/03/how-to-sell-your-husbands-crap-on-ebay-and-not-tell-him/

    But I guess the grass is always greener, lol…

    And I love the butter tub waffle idea.

    houndrat’s last blog post..How to sell your husband’s crap on ebay and not tell him

  27. This is freaking hilarious!!!!

    The Diva’s Thoughts’s last blog post..Can Someone Call Jerry Springer?

  28. Honey, butter that waffle with pride. And please stay away from my kitchen.

    Kelley’s last blog post..More Geek Squad

  29. Only a true genius can do the old dodge and distract like you, dear Bloggess. Good work.

    Robin’s last blog post..Getting linked

  30. I think that asparagus would leave cool impressions. Especially large asparagus.

  31. Wow. If he has a problem with your awesome butter/waffle hack, you can call the ninja to whip some sense into him. That has got to be the cleverest hack I’ve seen all week… wait it’s Monday… counting last week. I think you should write to Make Magazine about that one… that’s just too cool.

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..Fighting Dogs

  32. I’m new to this blog but will DEFINITELY be coming back for more. There are so few good blogs out there and you are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, on that short list.

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..And This Is What Makes It Very Much A Women’s Blog

  33. OK, seriously, I was having a kind of ugly Monday morning. Not so much now. Thanks for the laugh, that is awesome!

  34. I just shaved our dog to distract my kids from the dead hamster. It’s all about smoke and mirrors and subterfuge.

    CarolynOnline’s last blog post..Summer is coming to a close.

  35. Feeling v. v. jealous that our waffles will not fit in our butter dish. Damn you, Land o’ Lakes. DAMN YOU.

    cagey’s last blog post..What if one good turn does not deserve another?

  36. I love starting the day with a good laugh. Thanks for that!!

    ppppppppppps… You are brilliant with the whole butter thing. I am going to have to try that!

    Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..Blog the Recession

  37. LOL. He’s lucky to have you. Otherwise, life would be just, well, boring.

  38. The current tragedy in my life- earth balance butter only comes in small tubs… *sigh*

    Guess I’ll have to be happy with the cool corn cob marks on our cube of butter in it’s little, crystal dish. (We will not be adding a third variety of butter to our line-up.)

    Bet your getting a giggle out of all us crazy peeps making art in our butter a la Jenny.

  39. My hubs drags a fork through the butter when applying it to veggies and such. A FORK. Where I have nice, smooth butter, he puts in grooves like he’s plowed the back forty. I don’t like the extra time I have to put in re-smoothing it.

    Robyn’s last blog post..Books: Dead Or Undead?

  40. What you really need is a wonderfully sweet animal that is willing to take the fall for anything you do wrong. For example: my sweet, sweet Nikopol is just a darling cat who once got up on the fridge and knocked over a bottle of the hubby’s scotch. Ever since then, he’s been the scapegoat for any of my idiot moves. . .like breaking yet another wine glass. . . .or tripping on the tv cables and forcing the hubby to spend an hour re-wiring everything. . .or spilling orange juice on the hubby’s new book. 🙂

    Cory O’s last blog post..Imitation is the Best Form of Flattery?

  41. What a genius idea! I might have to try that!

    Of course my husband is anal, too.

    Boo to him.

    And this is about the funniest post I have read in a very long time!

    Jenni’s last blog post..The Daughter-In-Law Rules

  42. ohmygod. I just freaked my kids the fuck OUT laughing so hard. now I have to go change my pants because I MAY have peed a little.

    Thank you.

    xo

    b.

    just beth’s last blog post..Blog the Recession

  43. You ARE a hero. A true American hero. It’s obvious.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..WELCOME!

  44. If my wife was making funny shapes in the butter with waffles I’d just say “Thanks for making waffles”.

    Of course last week I mentioned to her that if faced with the prospect of having to put the cover on the comforter I’d just as soon burn the house down because it is too damn complicated. I’d just say that I was almost done when the flames overtook me.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..Never Losing The Feeling

  45. I like to roll my corn on the cob around in the butter dish. It’s not popular with anyone but me. Well, me and everyone else who realizes how AWESOME it is.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..(Sort of) Famous Relations

  46. just had to say thanks because I thought I was weird but I am not. I think like you and I did not find that post weird, just funny so I must not be weird, just funny and anyone who does not laugh just has no sense of humor. That or maybe they are the asshole. Right. So, thanks!

    daphne’s last blog post..The Sneak Attack

  47. some days i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does, which is how you write. which makes me believe that your brain works that way too. and now, i’m sad for us both.

    i too, dislike unnecessary dirtying of dishes and utensils.

    piglet’s last blog post..so maybe i do have tourettes

  48. […] perspective, I refer you to today’s post from The Bloggess on butter patterns and having some perspective. It all could always be so much worse. Digg, Share, Stumble… These icons link to social […]

  49. Mmm. I want Eggos. But my butter dish isn’t big enough. Really, the Eggo in the butter dish is genius, just like the ear of corn in the stick of butter. That would probably drive him nuts too, though, huh.

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Perfect Day

  50. This is really all his fault. If he liked Pop-Tarts, you wouldn’t have this problem.

    the slackmistress’s last blog post..The Real Seven Dwarves.

  51. You may butter my Eggos anytime, just never leggo of them.

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..This is Not An American Girl Production

  52. I’ve got to try this .. the whole do something regrettable, confess to things 10 times worse, then retract the really bad things to make the original sin seem not so bad at all. It’s pure genius.

    mrs b. roth’s last blog post..A Night Job For Mommy

  53. mmmm burberbutter.

    flutter’s last blog post..It appears I am clairvoyant

  54. Really, I just love you.

    Why don’t I think of this stuff??

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..Friends

  55. Haha…that’s a great idea actually…thanks for the advice!

    gingela5’s last blog post..He Has a Mole There Too…

  56. Hey, I just broke a glass trying to kill a fly, but I reassured Mistah that it’s a WHOLE hell of a lot better than burning the house down, so give me a break, wouldja?

    Ellie’s last blog post..Putt Putt

  57. Holy crap, the mosquitoes were restless this morning.

    Jeff’s last blog post..It’s Party Time!

  58. I come by your site every few days looking for helpful cooking tips and wa-laa! the butter thing. Can’t wait to try it out. (Of course that will require me to make an eggo waffle, but I’ve been meaning to branch out anyway…)

  59. My college roommate hated it when the butter in the tub wasn’t smooth. I used to put butter on things that obviously didn’t need butter just to have the chance to furrow her smooth butter.

    (that sounds kinda sordid, but really, I just liked screwing with her)

    (but not like that)

    (Not that there’s anything wrong with it…)

    ktjrdn’s last blog post..Your opinion please

  60. OK seriously, I need to live next door to you.

  61. I. cannot. breathe….

    You are my hero. Truly.

    (two spaces after the period)

  62. I can’t WAIT to get home and make my own burberry butter! And burberry sour cream, and burberry cream cheese, and uh, what else comes in a tub? Fashion for the fridge, I say!

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..I Just Want to Stay Off the Registry….

  63. At least you can say, “None of this actually happened.”

    I actually have caught my kitchen on fire.

    Twice.

    Jennifer @ SmallTownShopaholic’s last blog post..I’m Feeling A Little Shortchanged

  64. Cannot currently comment because I am too busy laughing my ass off. Something that is sorely needed by the way.

    Rachel’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Monkey Style

  65. tears…. streaming down my face.

    katie’s last blog post..sophistication is a terrible thing to waste

  66. They should make butter dishes long enough for corn cobs. Seriously.

    I needed this laugh this morning.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..Lord, it is (finally) time

  67. Much MUCH worse are those people who butter their corn by rolling the ear over the entire stick. Ack! Corn silks and bits of corn embedded forever in my stick of butter. That is truly a tragedy.

    Your post? Hilarious. The kitchen drawers alone will have me giggling all day.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..The End of the Secrets

  68. Genius! I’m SO buying bigger tubs of butter!!

    PunkOnFire’s last blog post..Anberlin – ‘The Unwinding Cable Car’

  69. And we didn’t get a photo of this…..

    Karyn’s last blog post..A Journey Through Time

  70. Joe hates it when there are toast crumbs in the butter. I imagine waffle-prints in the butter would make him cross-eyed.
    It makes him damn-near psychotic when we roll our corn on the cob directly on the stick of butter causing a “corn-dent”.

    Catizhere’s last blog post..Church talk

  71. Great. Now I have that song “Big Butter Jesus” by Heywood Banks stuck in my head. “Country Fresh Jesus, Oleo Lord…”

  72. In college, I used to dunk my oreos in the peanut butter jar (best idea I’ve ever had, seriously.) and my roommate hated it because there would always be oreo crumbs in the peanut butter.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Day #25

  73. I have to make sure I use certain things in the proper order to appease my fella. Like always peanut butter before jelly because jelly apparently turns into little grape turds when accidentally knifed into the PB. Oh and mustard/mayo…don’t even think about using that mayo knife in the mustard jar. Might as well start packing.

  74. @fairlyoddmother

    I know, that is the worst. Wait, no it’s not. According to my husband, the worst is when I am making guacamole and ***accidentally*** get the avocado in the sour cream. It really makes my man fucking crazy.

  75. Loving it! in a fit of giggles now!

    Shades’s last blog post..Counting My Blessings

  76. You make me laugh, especially at “butter texterizer.” Damn this was funny.

    elaine’s last blog post..I Just Wanna Go Back…

  77. He should be thanking you. All I get in my butter tub is leftover toast crumbs. Plaid would be welcome at my house.

    Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s last blog post..The Wanderer

  78. 78
    I can't read my nametag

    Of all the Bloggess posts I wish I could send back in time to read when I was the parent of young children, this is one of them.

    Back when the kids were still Eggo-ists, parenting success was determined solely by my ability to fill every little Eggo crevice with butter. Any square (or triangle – don’t forget the edges) left unbuttered was akin to neglecting some important aspect of their mental and/or emotional development. (And I think it screwed with their immune system, too.)

    Had I known about the butter-tub process then (and applied it daily), perhaps my children wouldn’t have grown up to be hackers and spammers and terrorists. Not that they are yet. But based on my recollection of the number of Eggo holes left unbuttered, it’s only a matter of time.

  79. Waffle butter is Hawt.

    It somehow got garbled up in my head and it came out Twat-Waffle butter. You should be glad I didn’t put that in the comment.

    Adriane’s last blog post..The Laminated List

  80. You husband’s anal tirades (how’s that for interesting Google searches) must be as frightening as my husband’s. Do they have any idea how much they stress us out?

    The Introvert’s last blog post..self love

  81. 81
    baltimoregal

    Now I want an Eggo!

  82. Hi-larious post. Thanks for sharing your wit and humor.

    Erin’s last blog post..Summer Fun

  83. Josh taught me that it is easy to butter toast if you just rub the butter stick on the toast itself…like a glue stick, only buttery.

    Kyla’s last blog post..She doesn’t look sick, does she?

  84. So why don’t you just rub the waffle in the butter prior to toasting it then put it in the toaster? That would take care of it all… burning down the house I mean. Then you could blame it on the fucking toaster!

  85. That car is plaid. Your husband could get a matching pair of golf pants and hat. If he does divorce him, become a Lesbian. A Lesbian could fix your drawers.

  86. OMG I can’t breathe. Seriously. I mean I was sick yesterday, so I threw up, and now all my muscles hurt, and laughing didn’t help like AT ALL!

    And now I want eggos.

    Jia@ColorMeUntypical’s last blog post..Maybe it Could be a Fashion Statement

  87. Transfats made pretty, because you are a fraking insane genius.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Picking the best summer photo

  88. When we get odd marks in the butter it’s not even from corn. It’s because one of the cats has been licking it because someone left it out on the counter uncovered again. Personally? I’d prefer waffled butter.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Comfortable? Really?

  89. Bonus environmentally friendly butter tip. If you use sticks of butter instead of tubs, you can unwrap one end, leaving the other for a handle and use it like a crayon to draw butter on your toast, eggo, etc. My dad griped at me for it when I started doing it, but now that I’m out of the house he swears by it.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Monthly Newsletter #22

  90. You didn’t fool me, bitch. Now move your skinny little butt across that kitchen, get out a butter knife and smooth those dents out! Now, damn it!

    P.S. Use the straight top edge of the knife, not the ridged part. And only go in one direction, not back and forth.

    {Anal People Rule!}

    Momish’s last blog post..Then & Now – Same Old, Same Old

  91. We are still married to the same man. My husband doesn’t like CRUMBS in the butter tub. How in the heck do you use the butter without getting crumbs in it? I’m getting him his own tub this afternoon.

    PS – Your posts are always hilarious.

    anymommy’s last blog post..The Obligatory Blog Post About Blogging

  92. Ha! Ha! Ha! My husband and I have a dirty version/explanation for the phrase “butter dish”. However, your use and misuse of said butter dish is definitely messier! Loves.

    jenboglass’s last blog post..If This Doesn’t Make Us Closer I Don’t Know What Will

  93. From now on, this is the way I will eat my Eggos. That sounds absolutely divine.

    Oh, and builders with fire issues can SUCK IT. Our builder put the only smoke detector on our main floor in the hallway just opposite the kitchen and the oven. Whenever we open the oven, the smoke detector gets a blast of heat. Nothing like a fire alarm dinner bell. Bastards.

    Andrea’s last blog post..Embarrassing Moment #3521987

  94. So was he sleeping in the other room because he was pissed about the butter?

    Candy’s last blog post..Freakiest Comment Ever

  95. You CRACK. ME. UP!!!!

    And you’re a genius….I have to teach the kids to do that to their Eggos 🙂

    Tami’s last blog post..Tag! I’m It!

  96. OH MY HECK, Jenny!
    You crack me up!
    I’m a long-time, Twitter-connected lurker, but had to tell you that you made my day. Belly laughs are good for the soul and the kegels must be paying off because the laughs were okay with the bladder, too.

    Kate’s last blog post..Reason to Celebrate!

  97. I hope my wife doesn’t see this post since it would appeal to her laziness. Also, why the hell are the knives always dirty? I can NEVER find a clean knife when I need one.

    Kile’s last blog post..Gin and Tonic

  98. Gotta love the Bloggess but I am sorry, I can’t read you anymore. I almost died reading this. I was laughing so hard that I started coughing, the coughing turned to not breathing…. and still I couldn’t stop laughing.

    And that is how the Bloggess almost killed Single Mom Finding herself. Did I mention I am on a Medical Leave from work and can’t have this kind of stimulation?

    Love ya, girlie… I was just kidding, I will read you until I die. (smoooch)

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Waaayyyyy toooo cute!!

  99. Who says laziness can’t lead to artfulness? It’s amazing how sometimes those three short steps across the kitchen to the utensil drawer just seems like a marathon not worth running. And, in this case, it wasn’t!

  100. I have been reading (stalking) your blog for a month now and woman, you are more than funny. I have no words for the hilarity that is you. Seriously……I can’t breathe from laughing.

    Michelle’s last blog post..Bitter? Party for one……..

  101. There is alway room for one more super hero.

    threio’s last blog post..Who’s Giggling Now

  102. I. LOVE. YOU!

    I still can’t work butter. I know there is a knack, but no matter how much I leave it to soften I still rip the bread into pieces. Butter is my nemesis.

    And Avocados (Devils testicles) EW Buttery Avocados. VILE mental image. Buttery avocados and squid cooked in a volcano. WORST MEAL EVER!

    Clint’s last blog post..Boy for hire…

  103. I’m scared of everything in that last post.

    Clint’s last blog post..Boy for hire…

  104. Let’s discuss the real point. Are you trying to kill him with all that butter? Doesn’t anyone know the word “cholesterol” in your home?

    Neil’s last blog post..How I Would Explain the Internet to John Adams

  105. Well, it could be worse. It could be little snickets that fell off the kernels of corn on the cob when you didn’t use a knife to butter the corn but merely set the corn down on the stick and rolled it around a few times. Really, he should be thanking you.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Ten Things I’ve Learned from My Children

  106. I have no idea what an eggo is. But I want one. One that has preferably been dipped in your butter dish.

    amanda’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Wordly Wise

  107. How do you just keep getting funnier? It’s annoying. In an endearing way.

    Maura’s last blog post..Do your part – Blog the Recession

  108. I love the neurotic development and the internal arguing- you are too funny!

  109. We use our stick butter like glue sticks. Since my children eat toast at least once a day, I taught them how so I wouldn’t have to get out a knife every time they wanted to have toast. Now we use it for everything, corn, bread, waffles, pancakes.
    Jenny, you crack me up, I have nothing witty to say because you sucked all the wit right out of me with that post. It would be a great scene in a sitcom. I love you.

  110. It’s not our fault. We are products of the twenty-first century, for fucksakes.

  111. Butter dish….definitely a slippery slope…

    JCK’s last blog post..I’ve got to zip up those old suitcases and toss them into unclaimed baggage

  112. That was hilarious. Seriously hilarious. I like your take on the butter dish though. Very time saving.

    Rachael’s last blog post..Help Wanted: Got a click for your fellow bloggers?

  113. Normally I would sit here and try and say something witty to match your wittiness… and fail miserably but not actually REALISE that I had failed miserably until like 4 in the morning when I would realise that what I said was completely stupid and only made sense to me and the ninja that live in my closet.

    So I will just say, girl, that was so funny I am stealing it and leaving it on my husbands pillow, substituting the ‘butter’ for ‘YOUR FACE’.

    Oh, and I like snorted Fruit and Nut chocolate out my nose. Do they have that on Planet Jenny? Cause it is totally awesome. But not so much when it is lodged in your nasal cavity. Where do I send the bill for its removal?

    Kelley’s last blog post..I was going to write a post…

  114. The last time I had Eggos, I got this kind of short term addiction to Eggos and ate about eight boxes in a couple of days. I’ve got to stay away from those kind of things. Fortunately I don’t think that they have Eggos in Oz. But they do have the most ungodly crack laced ice cream sandwiches…

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Well child, are your lessons done?

  115. You are so weird that I love it.

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..What’s the deal with Facebook?

  116. WOW. butter has never been so funny before. (well, except for that one time, but i think it was the pot making everything funny, not the butter.)

    Lara’s last blog post..I Used to LOVE Recess…

  117. I really and truly never laugh as much at a blog as I do when I read yours. Excellent.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Random Photos From My Weekend

  118. I need you to write a letter to my husband to explain the following:
    Why I cannot balance a checking account
    Why I cannot make the bed EVERY single day
    Why I need more attention whilst I’m sick or in any small amount of pain

    Queenie’s last blog post..DESERTED ISLAND LIST

  119. Jesus, that was hi-larious. I should quit blogging right now because I could never write anything so funny, but I’m too full of myself to stop my public rambling.

    Not So Exciting Andi’s last blog post..Tired.

  120. Wow! You get up early enough to even make breakfast? That my friend is NOT lazy. Hitting the snooze button until you have exactly 45 minutes to get dressed and out of the house, now THAT is lazy. (uh, who does that?) What a great idea of dipping the waffles in the butter. Genius!

    Oh! And my son almost burned our house down once putting a can of jalapeños in the microwave.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I Made Good Mom/Bad Mom Again!

  121. Holy shit that was funny! You have once again proven that the art of distraction is just that…AN ART! You deserve an award for this one!

    heartache heartburn’s last blog post..No Words

  122. I’m totally going to put patterns in my butter! That is flipping awesome!

    No one would think I was crazy for that. They mostly think I’m crazy when they find me drinking and trying to jump off the second floor balcony into the 2 ft pool.

    Kylie’s last blog post..The One Where The Tooth Fairy Gets Her Money!

  123. I’m kind of a hero.

    Oh, my stomach hurts. As usual, another awesome entry. Can I get you to write a letter to my husband? We have other issues.

    Carri’s last blog post..Bring it on, Edouard!

  124. Now that breakfast is over, what’s for LUNCH?

    PAPA’s last blog post..OMG! I TOTALLY just got FRANKED!

  125. Laughing too hard to come up with a coherent comment…

    Kateanon’s last blog post..Interview project

  126. PPPPPPPPS: at least *I* didn’t American Pie the butter dish.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Saint September

  127. I have become what I sneered at…

    By Jenny (bloggess & mom of 3.5 year old) Remember last week how I made fun of the Sumerians for making sophmoric fart jokes and then the very next day I wrote a fart joke laden post and now today……

  128. I love when I learn things from other people and wow this post I learned so much. First, the proper application of butter to eggos and second, when telling something start the explanation with…”Okay, I just set fire to the house but it was on accident.”

    Girl…you my brain happy and my sides hurt!

    Jenn’s last blog post..The Dark Knight

  129. Hello gorgeous! I’m going to write a note to your husband too.

    “Dear Jenny’s husband. Do you realize that your wife is BRILLIANT. That she should be hanging out with David Sedaris and swapping crazy stories with him over gin and tonics? Think of that the next time you trip over the kitchen drawers sir. Maybe take a picture of that butter tub and frame it so you can say you knew her when she was just messing with eggos in your kitchen.”

  130. my husbad stopped being so picky about our butter when he caught our kid licking it. Now he’s all like “so long as it’s not licked, I’m cool” I just dont mention my butter licking habit and all is harmonious.

    fidget’s last blog post..I win, you can win, and we all win with the naked rocking horse rodeo

  131. bwhahahahahah I just typed my husbad instead of husband… can you tell who’s on my shit list?

    fidget’s last blog post..I win, you can win, and we all win with the naked rocking horse rodeo

  132. I am laughing my ass off at this, you have got to be the funniest girl on the web.

    Bekah’s last blog post..Spiedie fest pictures

  133. PPPPPPPPS: Don’t look in the toilet either.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Two things that almost never happen…

  134. You should put food coloring in the butter Burberry to make it even more plaid. That way, it would be both butter and art. You can’t go wrong with that. Like the dudes at the fair who make butter sculptures? You would be the DIY butter sculptress. Awesome.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..My couch! It’s exciting!

  135. The best is when you get the stick butter. Then you can use it like a butter crayon on everything. You’ll never need a butter knife again.

    P.S. My husband hates when I do this.

  136. Although I lurve the idea of the ‘EBD’
    Eggo-Butter-Drop, doesn’t anyone use
    squeeze butter? Butter in a squeeze tube…what could be more 21st century? A Burberry Car perhaps?

  137. DUDE. That’s pure fucking genius. The butter dish part, not the drawer removal or burning down of the house part.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..The Healing Powers Of The Internet

  138. Aren’t criss-cross butter patterns kind of like crop circles? If so you could have just blamed the aliens.

    janet’s last blog post..Clowns and Womanhood

  139. Wow! I can relate with the anal husband! If I perhaps left a light on because maybe I planned to go back into that room or heaven forbid I just forgot to turn it off it’s like I am the anti-christ and we are living through the apocalypse. And holy fuck if he finds toast crumbs in the butter he is likely to shit blood for a week! The ultimate crime, using the same knife for peanut butter as for the jam! Last week I made strawberry rhubarb crisp and apparently the “crisp” wasn’t quite right thus I heard about it all fucking week long! Needless to say we have separate butter dishes!

    Loving Danger’s last blog post..Your Nerd

  140. I’m the anal one in my family, so there’s a tub of margarine in the fridge with my husband’s name on it. Same as the mayo. That way he can leave all his crumbs up in there and I won’t go ape-shit on his ass.

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Clutter Begets Clutter

  141. Yeah, okay, so the drawer thing? I’ve totally done that.

    Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..Even One of our Three Children was Conceived in it

  142. Amazon is SO judgemental. Just wait until they ping one of the ten thousand entries where I post a picture of my butt. I’ll be getting ads for lipo! But, JOKE IS ON THEM because I’m saving my butt fat for a flotation device in event of a water landing!

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Fame, Fortune and Porn

  143. But wait – your butter comes in TUBS?

    kittenpie’s last blog post..It’s a Spider-Eat-Spider World

  144. You are a true genius.

    But I don’t want to share butter with you.

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Newsflash: Rubber Gets Hot In The Sun

  145. It has been a long time since I laughed so hard I cried.

    Thanks.

    Mrs. F’s last blog post..You Ask, I Answer~Part Two

  146. Holy shat I laughed hard at this post.

    andrea’s last blog post..Oh Hai!

  147. OMG…now I want burberry butter! Burberry Crock!

    I must have missed the part where you built a new house…I am SO out of the blogging loop lately.

    Tiggerlane’s last blog post..Fun Monday – WORD!

  148. Genius. And let me now reiterate it as an anal husband myself– this is just genius. It almost makes me not want to kill my wife when she does stuff like this, thinking that maybe she could tell me a hilarious story about it to make up for it.

    Little Ms. Scheherezade had better get cracking.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..10 ways work differs from home

  149. I just wet myself. Seriously. Its funny AND embarrassing.

  150. clever post…..and I am all over the eggo in the butter thing. Perfectly genius

    Marcy Massura-The Glamorous Life’s last blog post..How Blogging found me…

  151. This post felt very familiar to me, but not because I am anal like your husband… Quite the opposite. I am pretty sure I either have or could have done those same things myself! Hilarious!

    Raging Dad’s last blog post..Anniversaries and milestones

  152. You are crazy in the very best possible way. Thanks for making my day!

    Anna’s last blog post..Show of Hands

  153. Is this live your version of latte art?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Because Nobody Wants To See The “Democrapic” Convention

  154. That should have been “… like …”

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Because Nobody Wants To See The “Democrapic” Convention

  155. Next time just wrap an entire stick of butter with one Eggo. It’ll be like a no muss-no fuss butter burrito.

    bejewell’s last blog post..As Requested, a Four-Liner About Farts (UPDATED)

  156. For future reference: Drawers slide in much more smoothly if you grease the tracks with butter.

    cyniclite’s last blog post..How To Help Your Boy Curb Masturbation

  157. I can’t stop laughing. Great post…great blog – will be back.

    Traci’s last blog post..ABC’s – Kids Slip On Shoe

  158. mmmm… pizza for breakfast.

  159. This is brilliant. Just brilliant.

    Adding anything else would be redundant. So I won’t.

    But…brilliant!

    Elisse’s last blog post..Mental Stretches

  160. We go through so many butter knives every morning because there are four kids and they are incapable of coordinating their wake-up times so that I can butter bagels and waffles and toast all at the SAME TIME with ONE KNIFE. But NOW it is all clear to me – just dip the shit in the butter tub. Done. No muss, no fuss.

    Fiona Picklebottom’s last blog post..Which ones should I enter?

  161. This is hilarious.

    RphMommy’s last blog post..Blast from the past: My most embarassing moment (thus far)

  162. i’m now my children’s favorite parent for teaching them the eggo in the butter dish trick. so thanks for that. 😉

    ali’s last blog post..a summer bonus. and i don’t know how to be single.

  163. Now I am off to dip my eggos in butter tubs.

  164. If he ever leaves you? DIBS.

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..The Post That Will Get My Ass Kicked, or Served With Divorce Papers

  165. My God. You are so fucking funny it makes me angry.

    Stefanie’s last blog post..Top Reasons Why Men May Have Broken Up with Me

  166. Okay what you should do is invest in that spray butter. Then you can hose down the eggo, shove it in your mouth, squirt syrup directly in there and save both a knife AND a plate! 🙂 Super hero!

    Oh, just watch out for the spray butter on the floor…. 🙂

  167. Oh my gosh, I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard at a post in a while! Hilarious!

    Channah @ Get a Grip, Mom!’s last blog post..MicroPoll : Where should BlogHer 09 be held (July 17-19, 2009)

  168. So how that tongue twister go?

    The Bloggess bought butter but the butter was bitter so The Bloggess bought better butter to make the bitter butter better…

    Musing’s last blog post..First kiss

  169. For the record, laziness is the mother of invention. Not necessity.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..Just Wash Them Already

  170. This post was hilarious because I have actually done the drawer thing. We rented this old house that had the weirdest tracks I have ever seen. You practically had to turn the drawers upside down and inside out to get them back in. Anyway, my husband ended up having to put 3 back because I couldn’t figure out how to get the first one back in. And now that my kids talk, I can’t blame that kind of shit on them anymore (I tried, oldest piped up, “I DID NOT TAKE THE DRAWERS OUT, QUIT KIDDING MOM!”)

  171. First, I should no better than to read your posts before going pee first. In the toilet, I mean. Because now, I have to change my pants. That’s annoying. At least the bed didn’t get wet. That would have been hard to explain to the hubs.

    Second, butter. Yum.

    Third, I think they actually sell things that make patterns in your butter. Like on eBay. Antiques. So, you have totally save your husband a shitload of money. He should be thanking you.

    califmom’s last blog post..Near and Far

  172. My first time reading your blog and this is the funniest blog post I have ever read. I think I have fallen in love with your blog. I guess since I am the 500th person to comment and all I can come up with is to kiss your ass I should probably delete this comment. Except that I am totally sincere. Hope you have a great day because you totally made mine.

    Marsha’s last blog post..First day of Kindergarten

  173. Silly girl, you should have your own stash of butter (perhaps, made from those kitties of yours) and then another for show and/or husband use.

    missburrows’s last blog post..There will always be a bigger penis

  174. I don’t even WANT to find this so funny, because I kind of hate things that are funny, but I do, and so I’m laughing and feeling annoyed all at the same time. Maybe I have issues that could be fixed by eating more butter.

    becky’s last blog post..In No Particular Order

  175. Now that I have met you in person, your posts are even funnier because I can hear you talking in my head.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Perfect Post and a Thank You

  176. Ok the bus and the finger on the screw thing is a little weird but all the other stuff?

    I am so afraid of using public restrooms that I have rented hotel rooms before just to go…

  177. I laughed literally out loud. And I am trying not to, because everyone else is asleep, and that is only making it worse.

    Swistle’s last blog post..The Financial Worries of Parenthood

  178. Saw this on a friend’s twitter, such a great way to start my day! I’m married Mr. Anal Supreme!
    God this was great….

    Christy’s last blog post..Rise and Shine Bananarita Smoothie

  179. I stumbled across this, i have not laughed so hard in a long time. Thank you for writing this. I will share with all my friends.

  180. I submitted my earring phobia. I hope that I am not alone…

    manager mom’s last blog post..Further Proof That The Girl is My Biological Daughter

  181. I hope your husband knows how blessed he is to have you in his life. And also that when he stops thinking that he is probably out of his his prescription meds 😉

    No but seriously. Your husband is lucky. He should be yelling “Score!” at the top of his lungs every morning he wakes up and sees you.

    Elisa’s last blog post..The road to mess is paved with good intentions

  182. […] never even occurred to me to butter waffles this way. The Bloggess is a […]

  183. Where have you been all my life? The butter trick? Amazing. I’m a new woman.

    daisy’s last blog post..The Return

  184. […] I know, I know- this is shocking. At Creme, we rarely give a nod to The Big Guns, if only because we believe it’s the smaller, boutique blogs toiling away that need the most love and support. Still, a laugh is a laugh and you deserve a laugh. I recommend you start with  “A letter to my very anal husband who is asleep in the other room.” […]

  185. You made me laugh so hard I scared my husband.

  186. Brilliant! I love it!

    Theresa’s last blog post..Feng Shui for luuuurve

  187. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.

    Theresa’s last blog post..Feng Shui for luuuurve

  188. Monday Morning Good Writing…

    FICO, FICO un day. Torches and pitchforks, absolutely. A letter to my very —- husband who is asleep in the other room. I don’t need any more wack searches coming to my blog than I already have, so I’m editing……

  189. OMG… I almost wet myself with this one. You know when you want to laugh hysterically but you can’t bc you’re in your office, alone, and people walking by would look at you funny? I’m so there. Which caused me to do the horrible “laughing with no noise”, which then caused me to laugh until I cried. Really.. not my coworkers are asking if everything is ok. Rats….

    Stephanie’s last blog post..I’ve been called worse.

  190. This is possibly one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read.

    I feel like it’s future me writing a note to my future husband.

    Erin’s last blog post..Loves it.

  191. I agree with my sister, post 185. Mr. Perfect, I hope you read this. I love you Erny, you crazy biatch!

  192. […] ~ This brings a whole new spin on “Leggo my […]

  193. Holy crap. I stumbled over here from chron.com. This blog made me laugh out loud… which isn’t something I do often. Love it!

    Jessie’s last blog post..Fun (Tuesday) Monday

  194. Does laughing (loud enough to wake the baby) until I cry big tears (really, it’s not snot) mean I need to up my meds?

    Dolanmama’s last blog post..Joy-fully Ignorant

  195. I have to say that I found this blog completely by accident – random link to an army of transvestites…anyways, this specific blog about the butter dish is one of the funniest things I have ever read and I thank you for making my day. I physically had to leave my desk because of laughter.

    You’re great!

  196. First time here but I will DEFINITELY be coming back. My children do this not only with their eggos but also with their corn on the cob. You know the little ones you get in the freezer section. This totally pisses my man off…

    Toni’s last blog post..A good cause & a chance to win $50,000.00…

  197. I only hope and pray that the woman I marry loves me enough to tell me that she does not give much of a fuck about the domestic shit you mentioned here.

    That type of brutal honesty = undying devotion from Leon! LOL

    ListenToLeon’s last blog post..Leon Forgiveness Amnesty ‘09

  198. […] There are other bloggers who use the excessive post script much more effectively than me, I know.  You […]

  199. Funny that you’re talking about butter and you mention Jesus AND fires in the same post.. True story, no shit, but there was a 60 ft. statue of Jesus down the road from me who was golden yellow. The exact color of butter. In fact, he was known as “Big Butter Jesus” by the entire state of Ohio. A goddam 60tf tall butter statue resembling Jesus.! He was also called Touchdown Jesus for other reasons. That is, until he got struck by lightening and burnt to the ground. I can’t even make this shit up.

    Alitalyn recently posted Genius or Devilish Depends On Who You Ask.

  200. Now .. don’t laugh. But I really did start a fire in my brand-new apartment on the day we moved in. Yup, we were the first tenants and the stupid builders/installers left the instructions to the oven IN the oven. I mean .. why should I look inside the electric oven, it’s not like I had to light the pilot light or something. All I wanted to do was make Italian/garlic bread to go with the spaghetti and meatballs to feed the three guys who helped us move in. I admit to always having a fireman fantasy, but this was not the way I wanted to meet one!!!

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