Random crap I thought about this morning:
I just saw this new rug that’s supposed to help polar bears or something.
I don’t really get it but the little 3-D polar bear is supposed to make you realize why global warming sucks and then when people come to your house they see it and they feel bad and then that somehow helps the bear. It’s some metaphoric art thing that is deeply meaningful and probably hard to vacuum. Also, in my house my cat would eat the shit out of that bear in like 5 seconds. So metaphorically speaking, the real danger here is cats. Or maybe the message here is that cats are more dangerous than global warning or polar bears. Which, is a pretty poor analogy because cats aren’t dangerous at all unless you trip on them and fall without using your hands to catch you and you left a wooden dowel on the floor and it goes straight through your eyeball and into your brain and kills you. Which would suck and actually now that I think about it, is probably more of an concern than global warming because I have lots of friends with cats and wooden dowels and I’ve never even seen a polar bear. In fact, I’m not even sure they really exist. So I guess the real message here is “Your cat is trying to murder you so make sure you catch yourself with your hands if it trips you because if you left wooden dowels sticking straight up around your house you’re probably gonna get impaled, dumb-ass.” And also that polar bears are probably made up and don’t really exist.
I just looked at this picture of Johnny Depp was all “Oh my god, his arms are so skinny! Why does he look like a muppet? Is he sick?” and then I realized that that was his scarf and not his body. I think the lesson here is that men shouldn’t wear scarves. That look like arms. There might not be a lesson here at all.
There’s this website called “i am neurotic” that lets people submit their neuroses and then other people can say whether they have it too. I’ve submitted several of mine and they never get past editorial approval which is kinda totally crushing. So like, I’m so weird I can’t even get on the neuroses board. That’s why instead, I’m going to put a few of my neuroses here and then you can tell me your neuroses and that would make me feel better by comparison. So pony up, freaks.
- I can’t leave the house without asking the cats to wish me good luck. I don’t really think they’re giving me good luck but if I don’t do it I assume God will notice and think I think I’m too good to ask the cats for good luck and he’ll punish me with slow traffic or yellow fever.
- I can’t leave a comment on my own blog after the first ten unless it’s a direct question that someone is asking me because I get all intimidated by all the other people in the comment section. On my own blog.
- I can’t say the unlucky number out loud and if I have to say it I’ll need to say it one more time because somehow saying it the second time cancels out the first. Sometimes if I’m having a bad day I’ll wonder if I accidentally thought the unlucky number and that’s what’s causing my bad day and so I’ll have to think it again in order to reverse the unlucky number spell. If I’m in a building and I have to go to the unlucky number floor I can’t hit the button so I just ride the elevator until someone else presses it. Did I mention that my real job is all about working with numbers? And that whenever I have say the unlucky number I just say “12 plus 1” and then my coworkers laugh at me and say “You mean (UNLUCKY NUMBER)?” and then I throw them out of my office before the building can collapse from their wrecklessness.
UPDATED: My coworkers just called me on the phone and yelled the unlucky number at me and then told me I spelled “wreckless” wrong and I’m like “No, I’m pretty sure that’s totally how you spell wreckless. Because if you’re wreckless it causes wrecks.” Then they laughed derisively at me and said the unlucky number again. This is my life.
Comment of the day: Another commenter said she has to check the toilet so a snake doesn’t bite her on the ass. I absolutely do this too. I think it’s because a friend of mine lifted the lid on her toilet one morning and found an opposum in it. For real. Also, I sometimes find myself humming the most annoying combination of sounds that anyone in the world could ever come up. I annoy the hell out of myself and can’t make myself stop humming the sounds. In fact, the more I annoy myself the louder I hum them. It can sometimes go on for 45 minutes to an hour. ~ Sauntering Soul