How not to market to pretty much anybody

So I was going through my email and found this spam…


 …which looks innocent enough until you highlight the body and that’s when I discovered it was actually an invisible, secret code


More specifically?  It’s an invisible, secret code calling me an “asshead”.  Repeatedly.  Awesome.  It’s like the Da Vinci Code.  Except, way more insulting.

And also?  Why exactly am I still getting billions of spam emails about penises?  And who is buying all of the penis enhancements and vi@gra from random emails because technically, this is all your fault.  Asshead.  And why do I never get spam about vagina enhancements?  Because it seems a little unfair and is probably some sort of conspiracy from “the man” to intimidate us with penis-envy.  Perhaps if dudes were assaulted with as many disturbing emails about vaginas as I get about penises they would get to work on some better spam blockers.  “Increase your vagina’s girth by 300%!  Make it smell like grapes!  Control the world with your giant vagina!  Asshead!  Vagina!”   In fact, I suggest you send random vagina enhancement emails to at least 5 of your male colleagues a day just so they know we mean business.   Maybe then they would focus on solving this spam problem and turn away from less pressing matters, like building cat playhouses and tables that will totally kill you.

Updated:  Wow.  Okay, this one isn’t technically “spam” because it was sent to me specifically asking me to write about them on my blog.  And that makes this even more disheartening:

It is better than “Asshead” though. 

Updated again:  I’m on candid camera, right?  Because I just got this spam comment from “Daniel”:

“I think your thinking is nearly matching the great suckrats concept.”

So…I’m nearly as good as “Suckrats”.   How flattering.  Is this my birthday?  I mean, I’m assuming this is a just a terrible misspelling of “Socrates” and I might even have fallen for it if the exact same comment wasn’t left on my blog 27 times in one minute.  Very subtle, Daniel.  You asshead.

Comment of the day: If I encountered a vagina that smelled like grapes there would be a nearly irresistable urge to step on it to see if I could make wine come out. I can’t be running around stepping on vaginas all day. I have to get to work.   Thanks for nothing, Grape Vagina! ~ Kurt

135 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You bring up a great point…does this spamming actually work? Who actually buys this crap?

    I win the lottery many times a month in the UK. I have unbelievable luck.

    suckrats. hehe

    Rhea’s last blog post..The Starbucks Experience – brought to you live & personal

  2. 2
    I can't read my nametag

    Has anyone else noticed how much “viagra” looks like “vagina” and “cialis” (sorta) looks like “clitoris” if you write them vertically and then squint while reading?

    No? Me neither.

  3. Dear Ariana,

    I think ‘suckrats’ goes better with big penises than with giant va-jay-jays. That’s just me, though.


    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..Two Lists of Different Lengths

  4. You wanna know why the words are vertical like that? It’s a subliminal message about the sad, dangly unenhanced penis. 🙁
    We vagina owners are always happily horizontal. A permanent smile, if you will.

  5. I’m already controlling the world with my giant vagina. Bwaha ha ha ha.

    (That’s evil laughter, in case you couldn’t tell).

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..‘Mo Babies Are A Blessing

  6. I’m not sure I want a giant vagina. Aren’t vaginas supposed to be little, that way we can deal with all the tiny penises.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..This One Time at Band Camp.

  7. The average vagina is 4.5 inches in length, and that length is only expandable up to the point of the cervix which, as women who aren’t in the porn industry can attest, hurts like HELL when it is pummeled.

    The phallic-sy of the GINORMOUS penis being an instrument of awe and pleasure is a male concept, and the sad thing is, they’re not even trying to impress women, but each other!

    Now, if they really wanted to re-create their God-given parts for the pleasure of women, they’d find a way to make them more like The Rabbit vibrator. Dual action beats out a love-log any day.

    Jane’s last blog post..WTF Friday: In Which My Feelings are Best Expressed by Stuart Smalley

  8. Thinking of changing my blog name to Asshead. That’s even better than Twatwaffle and I was obsessed with that one for about three weeks. I found the gina Vagina that is taking over the world. It’s a pedicab –

  9. i so totally mean to say giant vagina and it came out gina. now everyone will think its mine. crawling under a rock now.

  10. and i meant to say meant – i hate my keyboard

  11. Gina, that is totally the kind of comment I leave at everyone elses blog. I feel your pain.

    Also, I think Gina Vagina would be the best name ever. If I’m ever Next time I’m hiding from the law I’m totally gonna use that as my alias.

  12. If you ever get spam that claims they can make a vagina smell like a grape PLEASE give them some free publicity. Maybe someone will get an idea from your blog and invent a product.

    Maxie’s last blog post..It’s Raining Snakes!

  13. 13
    Just A. Reader

    But he called you a Radiant Asshead! That’s almost like a compliment. Except not.

  14. My dad was at our house this weekend all pumped because we have high speed and wireless. They have no wireless, although it wouldn’t matter because they have DIAL UP. Anyway, he was freaking out becuase, of all the spam he gets on his Yahoo account.

    Who gives them my name?
    Who are these people anyway?
    How are you supposed to go through all this stuff?
    When do people find the time to send this stuff?
    Does anyone actually BUY these things?
    Who is this person named Vernonica? and why does she keep saying she wants to meet me?

    and on and on and on.

    I think it is good they still have dial up.

    Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..Gavin is SEVEN today

  15. I did have an 8th grade math teacher (Mr. Empey prounounced impey) that repeatedly called me Regina (not my name) and he pronounced it so that it sounded like Vagina, and all the boys snickered. I got in trouble for writing Fuck You on the chalkboard in retaliation. Suspended.

    Hey Mr. Empey – Fuck you. I turned out well.

  16. It would be nice to get just one “vagina” spam for 10 of the viagra/penis ones.

    Lazy Crazy Mama’s last blog post..Tween Troubles

  17. Less than 1% of men click on penis spam, but I’d bet the click-through rate would skyrocket if they switched their tactics to advertising vagina spam…

    cyniclite’s last blog post..Woman’s True Sexual Responsibility

  18. Dear Asshead,

    You made me laugh so hard I almost DIED.



    Rachael’s last blog post..Five Months Married, YARRRR!

  19. (was talking to Jenny Asshead, because I totally do not read comments before posting. nope.)

    Rachael’s last blog post..Five Months Married, YARRRR!

  20. i think i’m gonna have to re-read this post after a few bottles of wine….

    Biddy’s last blog post..four…

  21. I wonder if you could technically sue the spammers b/c TECHNICALLY a woman’s not supposed to touch those things. That’s something to think about…that and vagina enlargements.

    gingela5’s last blog post..Free For All Friday…

  22. I’ve been getting alot of that kind of spam all of a sudden, too.

    Shades’s last blog post..Newsy

  23. DAMN. I was going to send you an email saying “I think your thinking is nearly matching the great pluto concept.” but maybe Daniel was a little closer with suckrats comparison. Darn it. Lost my chance in the sun.

    cage’s last blog post..Why is there a light in the refrigerator, but not in the freezer?

  24. We have a killer firewall at work and it’s difficult for some clients to even send me an email without it bouncing back because of something they wrote in the subject line. But any and every male enhancement ad comes right through. Big and proud.

    jenboglass’s last blog post..It Took Ten Years, But I Finally Managed To Gross Out My Husband

  25. Oh, give the girl a break! Ariana, Jenny – practically interchangeable! I almost made that mistake myself…

    god I laughed so hard (poor Gina! My daughter is Gena but everyone insists on pronouncing like that horrid teacher or, even better, calling her Talia. so fucking funny.)

    I love how this blog totally expands my vocabulary! Asshead, waffletwat, suckrat. Do you have any idea how difficult it will be to NOT let these wonderful gems fly from my mouth when an episode of situational Tourett’s kicks in?

  26. About an hour ago I emailed myself some HTML code for a blog post to another computer in my house. I sat. and sat. and sat. It didn’t come through. Wha? I then noticed my junk folder had something new in it….yep, my email that I sent myself was in my junk folder. Nice. Super effective spam control. I can’t email myself but I get three offers a day to move large amounts of money out of foreign countries. Nice.

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s last blog post..Apples?

  27. I have been getting spam like that and even had one from my yahoo mail send one to everyone in my contact list! I asked yahoo help why that was and their reply was no one really accessed my email. WHAT?

    Jo~Jo’s last blog post..They Love Me! They Really Love Me!

  28. God I hate these kinda of emails! It’s a sure thing that the Bobs, Daves, and Mikes of the world aren’t getting breast enhancement emails.

    It might almost be funny if, between the eleventy million spam emails I get for deals on Viagara and Cialis and penis pumps, if I got just one for douche’s or tampons. That would at least be logical. But nope, I’m doomed to be slammed with Jahindrah emailing me about how I can bang 100 girls in one night after taking some natural male enhancement pill!

    Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..The Place I Call Home

  29. What? That’s not how you spell Socrates? I should stop signing up for all those “philosophy classes” that show up in my spam filter.


    Havi Brooks (and duck)’s last blog post..Non-gross marketing and my Canadian love-child

  30. 30
    System Contrary

    I wonder how my professors are going to feel when I start replacing “Socrates” with “suckrats” in every single paper I write that makes mention of him.

    …Actually, I don’t care what they think. I’m doing it anyway.

  31. I am so going to call everyone a suckrat. That is fabulous. I love you so much Ariana.

    Kristin’s last blog post..Ima Whiner

  32. o.k., i have to say that the “suckrats” reference made me laugh out loud and will probably continue to do so for some time. i fact, i may never read the name Socrates in the same way again. 😉

  33. It’s disturbing, I know, but I’ve heard from many IT/computer geek friends that TWENTY percent of people click through on those spam emails.

  34. okay, now I just want my vagina to smell like grapes.

    Damn internet, always making me covet things I can’t have.

    Keely’s last blog post..Farewell, Mazda B2200

  35. I’m going to start working on that vagina spam. You’ve TOTALLY got something there, Ariana.

    qt’s last blog post..Protected: Wednesday Obsessions: Goodbye & God Bless

  36. I’ve been getting the: This is Pastor Pauline from embassy in Nigeria and I have authorize 950,000 US dollars for your transfer. Escort is waiting for instruction to bring you money…blah blah blah. Like everyday lately.

  37. Funny. I get all of those adds too. The best part: at my job, elementary school. Seriously.

    heather’s last blog post..The Soccer Mom Post

  38. I am curious. How did you find the invisible code? Do you have an invisible code secret decoder ring? And if you do have said ring, do you use it on every email or only the ones touting penis pills?

    Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..Do Something

  39. My vagina wants to rule the world.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..The Things That Mrs. G. Loves and Hates About the Interweb

  40. hmmm. that kelley chick wrote me too.

    although she managed to get the name right. i think you got the better end of the dea.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..Weekly Winners: September 14-20

  41. I love that the woman who just typed found the name Ariana twirling around in her brain and figured it was as good as any for the greeting on the email. That is an astonishing level of oopsidaisicalness.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Apple Spice Muffins — Perfect for Fall

  42. I used to think all those penis enhancement ads were spam too until I found out my wife was the one sending them.

  43. I desperately want to know what the great suckrats concept is. Google tells me nothing.

    Take care, Ariana. 😉

    Trish’s last blog post..Shock the monkeys

  44. Just to be clear, I am not the spammer. That suckrat is giving Daniels around the world a bad name.

    Daddy Dan’s last blog post..Watch Any TV Show For Free…and It’s All Legal…on

  45. Dude. Vagina “enhancements” exist and you do *not* want one. Trust me.


    Not because I’ve had one, because I haven’t… but…

    Wow. There’s just no way I can save myself here, is there?

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Unconscious Mutterings Week 295

  46. I get so many viagra emails that I finally decided to start using the stuff.

    I haven’t noticed any changes in sex drive, but my skin is significantly smoother. I’m just sayin’.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Holy F Word

  47. “Ariana” is just more evidence of how awesome this blog is. I’m going to start signing that on office birthday cards.

    And I’m going to buy dinner someday for The Bloggess and her family as way of saying thanks for writing posts like this.

    Ariana Forever,

    todd’s last blog post..Confessional 9/21/08

  48. I think we could make a fortune on the vagina enhancement idea. Call me, Ariana, OK?

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Dear Seattle Aquarium–Uh, maybe don’t get a shark after all

  49. Wow. No o0ne has ever told me to suck rats. That makes the old “suck eggs” insult seem downright appealing…

    kittenpie’s last blog post..The Thing About Babies

  50. Ariana Vagina will be my new name. I can’t wait to introduce myself to heads of state and the like.

    My priest will not be impressed though. Especially since I teach religion.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Chased By A Midget

  51. very funny. spam makes no sense to me. Do people actually open up their email and go, “oh, I have an important email from Viagra”.

    bluestreak’s last blog post..Echinacea? Is that what I need to be taking?

  52. This morning my vagina made me a cup of coffee, checked my emails and wormed the cat while I read the paper in bed. I don’t think you can improve on that.

    FruGal’s last blog post..Let it ride… all the way to the curb.

  53. I can’t wait to start seing the vagina spam start rolling in!

    wright’s last blog post..A Second Set of Hands

  54. I’m wondering what a vagina enhancement would look like. Does it add features like an mp3 jack or would it be size? If it’s size, what direction would they take it? Hmm…so many conundrums.

    Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved

  55. Why are “dudes” responsible for writing better spam blockers? Couldn’t “chicks” write code just as well?

  56. Jason, it’s my impression that the brilliant female coders who write spam blockers all have to go through a final vetting process where a group of men look at the code and add some sort of hole for all things penis related to slip through. I’m pretty sure I read that on NewsWeek or possibly dreamt it. Regardless, I blame men. And their penises. And that’s not sexist because I’m a chick and I’m pretty sure that whole sexism thing only works one way.

  57. I totally fell in love with you the day I read “fuctardery”, but now sukrats might be my new favorite word. I love your blog!

    Hotch Potchery’s last blog post..I do it for love. Love. LOVE.

  58. I’m guessing the vagina simply doesn’t need improvement. God got it right with us the first time?

    Jen E’s last blog post..Do you <3 Martha?

  59. I get lots of spam from women I can only assume are Ariana, and they apparently want to date me on the down low, but what they fail to realize is thatI don’t do the dating thing very well. I could say I suck at it, but that opens up a whole other realm of spam mail.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..the curse of ‘the curse’

  60. Grapes? Well, that certainly would be an, erm, unexpected scent.

    Just out of curiosity, I googled “vagina perfume” and got exactly the opposite of what I expected.

    Steve’s last blog post..Always Have a Spare Handy

  61. listen Ariana, you need to update your spam protection software, it’s as simple as that.

    furiousBall’s last blog post..Eagles – Steelers Game

  62. I agree that science should focus less on penis enlargements and stuff like viagra. I like the idea of products that shrink vaginas, make them smell like grapes and maybe even make them more sensitive (bringing on the O faster). That would take a lot of pressure off of me.

    Andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2008-09-21

  63. Some day the Suckrats are going to hit it big and you’ll be able to say “I’ve been following their work for years.”

    t2ed’s last blog post..Smooth Operator

  64. This is a way better war to watch than what’s on TV

  65. Three cheers for grape-y vaginas! Four cheers for grape-y smelling penises! Five cheers for spam blockers that work!

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Stuck

  66. Now I totally want to search my spam folder for any hidden messages. Someone could be calling me names and I’ve been missing out.

    Kaila’s last blog post..I’ll have a bacon/hot pepper sandwich please.

  67. Shit. I guess I should really return that bottle of penis cream, huh? I rubbed it in for a good 15 minutes and no penis ever grew. But then after 16 minutes I didn’t really care anymore.

    Candy’s last blog post..Smart Dilemma

  68. Oh, don’t you know that you are just asking them to spam the hell out of you when you mention their misdeeds?? I didn’t know that either until I mentioned how much I hated them on my blog. Then they really found me. Then I wept for my folly. 😉

    Stacy’s last blog post..A little behind

  69. Do you think if you went awhile without washing a grape-scented vagina it would start to smell like wine? That would be awesome. And if you had a yeast infection, VOILA – wine AND cheese.

    The Introvert’s last blog letter to hurricane ike

  70. Being compared to So-crates. I think that’s how youknow you made it.

    brittany’s last blog post..Gloria Steinem come punch me in the face now.

  71. If I encountered a vagina that smelled like grapes there would be a nearly irresistable urge to step on it to see if I could make wine come out. I can’t be running around stepping on vaginas all day. I have to get to work.

    Thanks for nothing Grape Vagina!


    Kurt’s last blog post..The Curious Incident of the Stolen Patio Furniture

  72. Dearest Asshead –

    I think your spam emails are actually trying to subliminally convince you that you are, in fact, an asshead. Thus you will buy their new and exciting products such as Depends for the face and/or suppositories taken orally.

    Hope you’re enlightened!


    Asshead (it’s hard to type with Depends on yor head)

    Tranny Head’s last blog post..If It’s Not Scottish, It’s CRAP!

  73. I just want to know how these people find you. You seem to be a magnet for such things.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Bunches of Thanks

  74. I don’t think men would be too disturbed by vagina emails. Oooh, “The Vagina Emails” – the modern sequal to “The Vagina Monologues”.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Warning

  75. seriously, suckrats? that’s my new favorite word.

    jenni’s last blog post..The Post Where I Whine Like an Asshole About Being Pregnant

  76. I am definitely using suckrats as a cuss word from this point forward.

    Suckrats! I can’t believe I forgot to buy milk!

    Don’t cut me off you fucking asshead! Yes. There are good things coming.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Born on the Cusp

  77. Seriously… I am laughing so hard I just fell out of my chair, in my mind. I think we should round up all the asshead spammers and make them sit through hours of The Lawrence Welk Show with their eyes held open ala Clockwork Orange.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Blogiversary

  78. All I want to know is how the hell did you even think to highlight the body of the email to find that?

    Wendy’s last blog post..The Consequences of Shushing

  79. I automatically highlight stuff while I’m reading it. It’s a weird nervous habit. Also my legs jump uncontrollably while I’m reading so basically it looks like I’m coming down off a heroin binge at my desk all day.

  80. Cool…I always wondered what one does with SPAM. One mocks it and shares the jocularity with the world. Excellent 🙂

    Jenn’s last blog post..Misunderestimated

  81. Seriously, are there really that many small penises running around?

    (m’yeah…I got nothin’ today)

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..Why I Joined Weight Watchers This Weekend

  82. Thanks for unraveling that mystery.

    I need to start composing my vagina enhancement spam email now.

    Summer’s last blog post..College is the best diet ever

  83. But more importantly, let me know if someone invents that magical spray or suppository or foam or whatever that will make my vagina smell like grapes. Or better yet, skittles.

    manager mom’s last blog post..Manager Mom’s Gallery Of Shame, Part 2

  84. Ariana, if you ever figure out how to make your vagina smell like grapes, be sure to share with the rest of the world. I’m sure you could make a fortune on that.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Back to the real world

  85. 85
    Just A. Reader

    But more importantly, let me know if someone invents that magical spray or suppository or foam or whatever that will make my vagina smell like grapes. Or better yet, skittles.

    Holy crap! I need to file for a patent right now on Ben-Wa Skittles! I’ll make a fucking fortune!

  86. I don’t even know what the spam is about that I get. The spam I get is in Chinese. For real. Maybe someone in China actually has invented a spray to make vaginas smell like grapes but since I can’t read Chinese I can’t tell y’all about it.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..Fun Monday – He’s Got Legs, He Knows How to Use Them

  87. That’s wild! I noticed today that when I read a spam in my junk folder with the preview pane. (Still folling this train of thought?) I can see secret stories that were hidden in the HTML code. Like, “It was a dark night and Steve crept down the stairs…”. Wild!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Send In The Clowns and Their Escorts

  88. Meant to write, “still following this train of thought”. Clearly I wasn’t anymore.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Send In The Clowns and Their Escorts

  89. Very
    Anal-raping of spammers.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Giving the Bucky His Due

  90. Crap. That didn’t work. The spacing was all off. I was trying to be funny. And inventive. And the comment form fucked me over.

    Such is my life.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Giving the Bucky His Due

  91. Okay so did anyone else notice that the subject title was ” Today Oprah showers audience with her favorite things.”

    I didn’t know her favorite things included calling people AssHeads and wanting to sell them Viagra. Come on. I knew she used secret codes but Asshead. Come on. What would “suckrat” say about that if he was still here. He wouldn’t be impressed.

    P.S. Adriana you need to buy me new panties mine are wet now. and not smelling like a grape. Im a little sad.. I like pink..


    ~J-ME~’s last blog post..It could have only been worst if it rained.

  92. okay, first of all my vagina is already HUGE, thank you sassy, bitchy and golden boy. AND, if I wanted a penis enhancement, which frankly would totally gross my husband out, I certainly wouldn’t go ONLINE for it. dammit I need a drink.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Get the Smelling Salts!

  93. Because of you I used the word Asshead in a sentence today. Thanks for that! 😉

    Anna’s last blog post..Awwww

  94. Ariana,

    I would never call you a suckrat. I promise.


    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Good To Know

  95. So I am totaly an asshead because I just called you my co workers head because I was talking to her when I sent the comment. You are not Adriana you are Ariana.. Sorry!! at least Adriana isn’t an asshead. I am.. feel free to blog slap me now

    ~J-ME~’s last blog post..Shink Tube!!

  96. Name not head… Damn I need to have a drink. Or possibly stop drinking.

    ~J-ME~’s last blog post..Shink Tube!!

  97. They don’t have to intimidate me with penis envy, I already fucking have it. My husband can spell his name when he pees and I am totally jealous.
    Seriously, though, I think the same thing. How did every viagra peddler on the internet find me when I only bought it that once, I mean, never?

    shonda’s last blog post..Breakfast Chubbie at the Quick Lube

  98. Oh my, you’re going to get so many porn hits in your blog!! It’s going to make a great post. Watch your statcounter…

    Melissa’s last blog post..Things my hubby says a lot

  99. Can we please start a SPAM campaign about increasing your vagina size?

    It would have to go something like this:

    Push a 6-10 lb baby out of your hoo-ha and watch it grow…

    Not that I’m bitter or anything…

    Petra’s last blog post..I Stress;Therefore, I’m FAT

  100. I don’t think you look much like an Ariana or Asshead. But I do love the word Suckrats. Totally using that from now on.

    You are sooo going to get awesome spam after this. 🙂 I can’t wait.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Hurricane Ike and the Single Mom

  101. Suddenly, I am very disappointed in my Spam… it’s really not an achiever.

    Kristin’s last blog post..Yes Virgina, There Really Is A Mid-Life Crisis…

  102. I’m jealous! I used to get the viagra and penis enlargement e-mails for a while. Now I just get some crazy Pfizer and Eli Lilly ones. What the heck is a suckrat???

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..I’m Running Away!!!

  103. What the hell is an “asshead” anyway (besides you obviously…and me by association)? I mean an ass has a crack as in “asscrack” and a hole like in “asshole” but not a head as near as I can tell. By the way did you happen to get the price on that Viagra because I’m fresh out?!

    Kile’s last blog post..Growing up

  104. God, that’s funny! After the giant vagina spam, we could send out ‘shrink your vagina to match the penis size of the people selling viagra’ spam.
    Love the idea of smelling like grapes… make mine a shiraz.

  105. Wasn’t that table in my SIMS(tm) game? I could have sworn I owned that…it was right by the rocket launcher and the swimming pool with no ladder…

    jennydecki’s last blog post..Abby the Fainting Goat Girl

  106. S



    Swampy’s last blog post..Guess Who I Found?

  107. HA!! No no…the Suckrat is an Asshead. Socrates had his viagra already. 😉

    Grandy’s last blog post..Feeling a Bit Inadequate

  108. You’re going the wrong way with this– we’ve gotta push for smaller vaginas:

    “M@ke ur t!ny m@n feel HU6E by shr!nk!ng ur pu$$y T0D@Y!!”

    “He th!nks itz 2 l00se aNd pr@ys for th@t t!me of the m0nth. One p!ll c@n ch@nge th@t!”

    “Click here to t!ght3n ur h0le 2 the size of ur b@by’s n!pple NOW!!!!”

    I could go on and on. If popular demand warrants, I may have to.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Hey buddy, can I get a spot?

  109. omg it’s a conspiracy. I’ve recently received plenty of spam that insists it’s a reply to some message I sent to viagra.
    Cos um, my vagina has an erection problem? Seriously, the “cate” part of my email should’ve given them the hint.

    I tried to send them an email along those lines, but of course there was some sort of error that means they don’t accept replies. Rude.

    And that vagina bike? Kinda makes me wanna stick a leg on either side of it. Like that doorway in Patch Adams. Or whatever movie that was.

  110. The vagina enhancement emails? I think they’re coming. Apparently ‘cosmetic vaginal surgery’ is a growing trend:

    Erica’s last blog post..On (expensive) Pie

  111. Amazing
    Every bit as good as Asshat
    Dainty, almost

  112. I’m allergic to grapes, so at first I thought I would pass on any grape-smelling vagina enhancers. But then again, red wine does plump my facial lips a bit, kind of like Botox…wonder how this would work elsewhere??!!

    PS…you’ve been nominated by a small group of Amateur bloggers. Thanks for the laughs.

    Susan’s last blog post..And I would like to thank…

  113. I am completely astonished at his gall. What an asshead. Wow.

    Kat’s last blog post..Liquid Motivation

  114. i’m gonna start calling people suckrats instead now. lol.

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Oh Chad, how I love thee! What would I do with out you? Watch the boring ol’ news? blah!

  115. I am definitely using suckrats as a cuss word from this point forward.

    I think I will use “Socrates” – that way, people will think I am being all high-brown instead of insulting.

    “Hey, dood who just cut me off in traffic, I think you can go Socrates!”


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Financial Singularity: who is responsible?

  116. You know Socrates’ thinking wasn’t really appreciated in his day, so he probably was called suckrats quite often. Thankfully times have changed. I mean, 27 spam emails vs. one goblet of hemlock? You’re doing OK, girlfriend.

    Momish’s last blog post..As I Was Saying

  117. Uhh, why would you want your vagina’s girth increased? Trust me on this one, you want the opposite. It is called vaginal rejuvination and it is alllllll riiiggghhttt!

    daphne’s last blog post..Mark 7:24-30

  118. Am I the only one who never has to worry about vaginal rejuvenation due to the “daddy stitch”? Please tell me some one else has heard of this!

    Lula’s last blog post..Happy Birthday

  119. Lula, I know what you’re talking about your name for it is totally creeping me out. Can we just call it the “extra stitch”? Or the “make me almost a virgin again stitch”?

  120. Jenny, I thought you never replied after this many replies and an extra stitch or make me almost a virgin again stitch or whatever you want to call it just covers one small part of a truely complex part of anatomy. The rejuvenation is inside and out and is like being 16ish again, well, vaginally speaking, that is

    daphne’s last blog post..Mark 7:24-30

  121. although these emails get on your nerves, just think of the poor souls who are contemplating buying them everytime they arrive in their inbox.

    Should I buy some… nah, we’ve not had sex for 20 years why should I start now. ha lol.

  122. I need your blog every morning more than I need my coffee.

    AV Flox’s last blog post..Is Infidelity A Gender Issue?

  123. I have nothing witty to say Asshead. Just wanted to mention that that was the most hilarious post I’ve read in a long while.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  124. And you know what is really fucked up? No matter how many times I comment on your blog, every single time your “comment luv” thingamajiggy has my last blog post as the same one- and it’s one from like 6 months ago at that.
    Just thought I’d mention that in case someone actually clicks through to my blog on that thing and goes “wow this bitch hasn’t posted anything since like March”.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  125. I kind of get the fruit thing, after all, I look like I’m carrying a watermelon under my coverup. Oh, wait! Holding it in your HAND?!?!

    Dorsey’s last blog post..Comments on comments…

  126. LOL! That swimsuit test chart cracks me up. Towel it? Yea, because I bring a towel with me into the store all the time, and because no one’s going to think I’m crazy when I whip out a towel in the middle of macy’s.

    “Mommy, why is that lady taking a bath in the store?”

    “Don’t stare at the nice lady, Bobby. She’s just having a hard day.”

    Karen’s last blog post..Not So Secretly Obsessed with Calvin Klein Secret Obsession Perfume

  127. I would like the “cleaning the bathtub test” because sometimes I do that so I don’t get my beautiful scullery maid/housework clothes wet. Except I guess that me crouched over, vigorously scrubbing and cursing the Tilex in my eyes would not be a very pretty picture. But more practical than the apple/orange test.

  128. This totally happened to Snow White in the one episode, ‘cept it was a dwarf and not a toddler and the diaper was in fact a diaper because it was geriatric dwarf from the post modern Snow White who actually works at an old age farm, i mean home, and now she’s covered in like diaper gel because the old dwarf was like “You’re hot” and squeezed her ass and then she was like, “dirty old man” and put him in the pool to cool off but she didn’t change his diaper first. Weird.

    JL’s last blog post..Sometimes I work… again

  129. I went to get my hair done today in the first time in forever, and then dye smelled like grape candy. All I could think about was grape vagina. Thanks a lot, Jenny, thanks a lot.

  130. don’t be so sure you aren’t going to try to pick me up. You’ve never met me.

    I love this whole post. Actually I love your blog. You are hilarious.

    followthatdog’s last blog post..My Neurotic Need to Know.

  131. Oh Holy Moses! I hate leaving comments that say “oh that’s so funny!” cause I think that’s lame and totally worthless information. But I’m sitting here, acting like I’m watching the presidential debates, nearly peeing myself thinking about how my giant vagina is going to take over the world of Assheads, and I just HAD to say THAT’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY!!!! Thank you for doing your part in keeping me from the debates. So far, the assheads haven’t said anything my giant vagina has found interesting.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday – It’s THOMAS!!!!

  132. The baby in the pool thing is a hoot. This happened to me with my nephew who shall remain nameless because he is in his formative years now. What did I know about gel in diapers? My own kids were in their late 20’s. Anyway I let him in the pool with his diaper and 3 minutes later he looked like he was wearing a giant white turnip. He weighed about 243 lbs. with all but 28 being water. Had to refill the pool and hide the diaper before his mom saw what I had done to him. Thanks for the memories!

    Cynthia Conciatu’s last blog post..Don’t Give Your New Bride The Vapours!

  133. 133
    Briana Delaney

    Sukrats, $14.95!

  134. 134
    Briana Delaney

    Oops, I meant “Suckrats, $14.95!”

  135. What a joke! Cant believe the cheek! funny at the same time though, what made you highlight the text, i will do that when i next get spam, which should be any minute now.

    .-= Pretty Me Pink´s last blog ..How to Grow Hair Faster =-.

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