How not to market to pretty much anybody

So I was going through my email and found this spam…

 

 …which looks innocent enough until you highlight the body and that’s when I discovered it was actually an invisible, secret code

 

More specifically?  It’s an invisible, secret code calling me an “asshead”.  Repeatedly.  Awesome.  It’s like the Da Vinci Code.  Except, way more insulting.

And also?  Why exactly am I still getting billions of spam emails about penises?  And who is buying all of the penis enhancements and vi@gra from random emails because technically, this is all your fault.  Asshead.  And why do I never get spam about vagina enhancements?  Because it seems a little unfair and is probably some sort of conspiracy from “the man” to intimidate us with penis-envy.  Perhaps if dudes were assaulted with as many disturbing emails about vaginas as I get about penises they would get to work on some better spam blockers.  “Increase your vagina’s girth by 300%!  Make it smell like grapes!  Control the world with your giant vagina!  Asshead!  Vagina!”   In fact, I suggest you send random vagina enhancement emails to at least 5 of your male colleagues a day just so they know we mean business.   Maybe then they would focus on solving this spam problem and turn away from less pressing matters, like building cat playhouses and tables that will totally kill you.

Updated:  Wow.  Okay, this one isn’t technically “spam” because it was sent to me specifically asking me to write about them on my blog.  And that makes this even more disheartening:

It is better than “Asshead” though. 

Updated again:  I’m on candid camera, right?  Because I just got this spam comment from “Daniel”:

“I think your thinking is nearly matching the great suckrats concept.”

So…I’m nearly as good as “Suckrats”.   How flattering.  Is this my birthday?  I mean, I’m assuming this is a just a terrible misspelling of “Socrates” and I might even have fallen for it if the exact same comment wasn’t left on my blog 27 times in one minute.  Very subtle, Daniel.  You asshead.

Comment of the day: If I encountered a vagina that smelled like grapes there would be a nearly irresistable urge to step on it to see if I could make wine come out. I can’t be running around stepping on vaginas all day. I have to get to work.   Thanks for nothing, Grape Vagina! ~ Kurt

136 thoughts on “How not to market to pretty much anybody

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Has anyone else noticed how much “viagra” looks like “vagina” and “cialis” (sorta) looks like “clitoris” if you write them vertically and then squint while reading?

    No? Me neither.

  2. You wanna know why the words are vertical like that? It’s a subliminal message about the sad, dangly unenhanced penis. 🙁
    We vagina owners are always happily horizontal. A permanent smile, if you will.

  3. The average vagina is 4.5 inches in length, and that length is only expandable up to the point of the cervix which, as women who aren’t in the porn industry can attest, hurts like HELL when it is pummeled.

    The phallic-sy of the GINORMOUS penis being an instrument of awe and pleasure is a male concept, and the sad thing is, they’re not even trying to impress women, but each other!

    Now, if they really wanted to re-create their God-given parts for the pleasure of women, they’d find a way to make them more like The Rabbit vibrator. Dual action beats out a love-log any day.

    Jane’s last blog post..WTF Friday: In Which My Feelings are Best Expressed by Stuart Smalley

  4. Gina, that is totally the kind of comment I leave at everyone elses blog. I feel your pain.

    Also, I think Gina Vagina would be the best name ever. If I’m ever Next time I’m hiding from the law I’m totally gonna use that as my alias.

  5. My dad was at our house this weekend all pumped because we have high speed and wireless. They have no wireless, although it wouldn’t matter because they have DIAL UP. Anyway, he was freaking out becuase, of all the spam he gets on his Yahoo account.

    Who gives them my name?
    Who are these people anyway?
    How are you supposed to go through all this stuff?
    When do people find the time to send this stuff?
    Does anyone actually BUY these things?
    Who is this person named Vernonica? and why does she keep saying she wants to meet me?

    and on and on and on.

    I think it is good they still have dial up.
    KEEP BELIEVING

    Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..Gavin is SEVEN today

  6. I did have an 8th grade math teacher (Mr. Empey prounounced impey) that repeatedly called me Regina (not my name) and he pronounced it so that it sounded like Vagina, and all the boys snickered. I got in trouble for writing Fuck You on the chalkboard in retaliation. Suspended.

    Hey Mr. Empey – Fuck you. I turned out well.

  7. Oh, give the girl a break! Ariana, Jenny – practically interchangeable! I almost made that mistake myself…

    god I laughed so hard (poor Gina! My daughter is Gena but everyone insists on pronouncing like that horrid teacher or, even better, calling her Talia. so fucking funny.)

    I love how this blog totally expands my vocabulary! Asshead, waffletwat, suckrat. Do you have any idea how difficult it will be to NOT let these wonderful gems fly from my mouth when an episode of situational Tourett’s kicks in?

  8. About an hour ago I emailed myself some HTML code for a blog post to another computer in my house. I sat. and sat. and sat. It didn’t come through. Wha? I then noticed my junk folder had something new in it….yep, my email that I sent myself was in my junk folder. Nice. Super effective spam control. I can’t email myself but I get three offers a day to move large amounts of money out of foreign countries. Nice.

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s last blog post..Apples?

  9. God I hate these kinda of emails! It’s a sure thing that the Bobs, Daves, and Mikes of the world aren’t getting breast enhancement emails.

    It might almost be funny if, between the eleventy million spam emails I get for deals on Viagara and Cialis and penis pumps, if I got just one for douche’s or tampons. That would at least be logical. But nope, I’m doomed to be slammed with Jahindrah emailing me about how I can bang 100 girls in one night after taking some natural male enhancement pill!

    Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..The Place I Call Home

  10. I wonder how my professors are going to feel when I start replacing “Socrates” with “suckrats” in every single paper I write that makes mention of him.

    …Actually, I don’t care what they think. I’m doing it anyway.

  11. o.k., i have to say that the “suckrats” reference made me laugh out loud and will probably continue to do so for some time. i fact, i may never read the name Socrates in the same way again. 😉

  12. It’s disturbing, I know, but I’ve heard from many IT/computer geek friends that TWENTY percent of people click through on those spam emails.

  13. I’ve been getting the: This is Pastor Pauline from embassy in Nigeria and I have authorize 950,000 US dollars for your transfer. Escort is waiting for instruction to bring you money…blah blah blah. Like everyday lately.

  14. I am curious. How did you find the invisible code? Do you have an invisible code secret decoder ring? And if you do have said ring, do you use it on every email or only the ones touting penis pills?

    Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..Do Something

  15. I get so many viagra emails that I finally decided to start using the stuff.

    I haven’t noticed any changes in sex drive, but my skin is significantly smoother. I’m just sayin’.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Holy F Word

  16. “Ariana” is just more evidence of how awesome this blog is. I’m going to start signing that on office birthday cards.

    And I’m going to buy dinner someday for The Bloggess and her family as way of saying thanks for writing posts like this.

    Ariana Forever,
    Todd.

    todd’s last blog post..Confessional 9/21/08

  17. Ariana Vagina will be my new name. I can’t wait to introduce myself to heads of state and the like.

    My priest will not be impressed though. Especially since I teach religion.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Chased By A Midget

  18. I’m wondering what a vagina enhancement would look like. Does it add features like an mp3 jack or would it be size? If it’s size, what direction would they take it? Hmm…so many conundrums.

    Jim’s last blog post..I’ve moved

  19. Why are “dudes” responsible for writing better spam blockers? Couldn’t “chicks” write code just as well?

  20. Jason, it’s my impression that the brilliant female coders who write spam blockers all have to go through a final vetting process where a group of men look at the code and add some sort of hole for all things penis related to slip through. I’m pretty sure I read that on NewsWeek or possibly dreamt it. Regardless, I blame men. And their penises. And that’s not sexist because I’m a chick and I’m pretty sure that whole sexism thing only works one way.

  21. I agree that science should focus less on penis enlargements and stuff like viagra. I like the idea of products that shrink vaginas, make them smell like grapes and maybe even make them more sensitive (bringing on the O faster). That would take a lot of pressure off of me.

    Andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2008-09-21

  22. Shit. I guess I should really return that bottle of penis cream, huh? I rubbed it in for a good 15 minutes and no penis ever grew. But then after 16 minutes I didn’t really care anymore.

    Candy’s last blog post..Smart Dilemma

  23. Oh, don’t you know that you are just asking them to spam the hell out of you when you mention their misdeeds?? I didn’t know that either until I mentioned how much I hated them on my blog. Then they really found me. Then I wept for my folly. 😉

    Stacy’s last blog post..A little behind

  24. Dearest Asshead –

    I think your spam emails are actually trying to subliminally convince you that you are, in fact, an asshead. Thus you will buy their new and exciting products such as Depends for the face and/or suppositories taken orally.

    Hope you’re enlightened!

    Love,

    Asshead (it’s hard to type with Depends on yor head)

    Tranny Head’s last blog post..If It’s Not Scottish, It’s CRAP!

  25. I am definitely using suckrats as a cuss word from this point forward.

    Suckrats! I can’t believe I forgot to buy milk!

    Don’t cut me off you fucking asshead! Yes. There are good things coming.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Born on the Cusp

  26. Seriously… I am laughing so hard I just fell out of my chair, in my mind. I think we should round up all the asshead spammers and make them sit through hours of The Lawrence Welk Show with their eyes held open ala Clockwork Orange.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Blogiversary

  27. I automatically highlight stuff while I’m reading it. It’s a weird nervous habit. Also my legs jump uncontrollably while I’m reading so basically it looks like I’m coming down off a heroin binge at my desk all day.

  28. But more importantly, let me know if someone invents that magical spray or suppository or foam or whatever that will make my vagina smell like grapes. Or better yet, skittles.

    Holy crap! I need to file for a patent right now on Ben-Wa Skittles! I’ll make a fucking fortune!

  29. That’s wild! I noticed today that when I read a spam in my junk folder with the preview pane. (Still folling this train of thought?) I can see secret stories that were hidden in the HTML code. Like, “It was a dark night and Steve crept down the stairs…”. Wild!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Send In The Clowns and Their Escorts

  30. Okay so did anyone else notice that the subject title was ” Today Oprah showers audience with her favorite things.”

    I didn’t know her favorite things included calling people AssHeads and wanting to sell them Viagra. Come on. I knew she used secret codes but Asshead. Come on. What would “suckrat” say about that if he was still here. He wouldn’t be impressed.

    P.S. Adriana you need to buy me new panties mine are wet now. and not smelling like a grape. Im a little sad.. I like pink..

    ~J-ME~

    ~J-ME~’s last blog post..It could have only been worst if it rained.

  31. okay, first of all my vagina is already HUGE, thank you sassy, bitchy and golden boy. AND, if I wanted a penis enhancement, which frankly would totally gross my husband out, I certainly wouldn’t go ONLINE for it. dammit I need a drink.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Get the Smelling Salts!

  32. So I am totaly an asshead because I just called you my co workers head because I was talking to her when I sent the comment. You are not Adriana you are Ariana.. Sorry!! at least Adriana isn’t an asshead. I am.. feel free to blog slap me now

    ~J-ME~’s last blog post..Shink Tube!!

  33. They don’t have to intimidate me with penis envy, I already fucking have it. My husband can spell his name when he pees and I am totally jealous.
    Seriously, though, I think the same thing. How did every viagra peddler on the internet find me when I only bought it that once, I mean, never?

    shonda’s last blog post..Breakfast Chubbie at the Quick Lube

  34. What the hell is an “asshead” anyway (besides you obviously…and me by association)? I mean an ass has a crack as in “asscrack” and a hole like in “asshole” but not a head as near as I can tell. By the way did you happen to get the price on that Viagra because I’m fresh out?!

    Kile’s last blog post..Growing up

  35. God, that’s funny! After the giant vagina spam, we could send out ‘shrink your vagina to match the penis size of the people selling viagra’ spam.
    Love the idea of smelling like grapes… make mine a shiraz.

  36. You’re going the wrong way with this– we’ve gotta push for smaller vaginas:

    “M@ke ur t!ny m@n feel HU6E by shr!nk!ng ur pu$$y T0D@Y!!”

    “He th!nks itz 2 l00se aNd pr@ys for th@t t!me of the m0nth. One p!ll c@n ch@nge th@t!”

    “Click here to t!ght3n ur h0le 2 the size of ur b@by’s n!pple NOW!!!!”

    I could go on and on. If popular demand warrants, I may have to.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Hey buddy, can I get a spot?

  37. omg it’s a conspiracy. I’ve recently received plenty of spam that insists it’s a reply to some message I sent to viagra.
    Cos um, my vagina has an erection problem? Seriously, the “cate” part of my email should’ve given them the hint.

    I tried to send them an email along those lines, but of course there was some sort of error that means they don’t accept replies. Rude.

    And that vagina bike? Kinda makes me wanna stick a leg on either side of it. Like that doorway in Patch Adams. Or whatever movie that was.

  38. I’m allergic to grapes, so at first I thought I would pass on any grape-smelling vagina enhancers. But then again, red wine does plump my facial lips a bit, kind of like Botox…wonder how this would work elsewhere??!!

    PS…you’ve been nominated by a small group of Amateur bloggers. Thanks for the laughs.

    Susan’s last blog post..And I would like to thank…

  39. You know Socrates’ thinking wasn’t really appreciated in his day, so he probably was called suckrats quite often. Thankfully times have changed. I mean, 27 spam emails vs. one goblet of hemlock? You’re doing OK, girlfriend.

    Momish’s last blog post..As I Was Saying

  40. Uhh, why would you want your vagina’s girth increased? Trust me on this one, you want the opposite. It is called vaginal rejuvination and it is alllllll riiiggghhttt!

    daphne’s last blog post..Mark 7:24-30

  41. Lula, I know what you’re talking about your name for it is totally creeping me out. Can we just call it the “extra stitch”? Or the “make me almost a virgin again stitch”?

  42. Jenny, I thought you never replied after this many replies and an extra stitch or make me almost a virgin again stitch or whatever you want to call it just covers one small part of a truely complex part of anatomy. The rejuvenation is inside and out and is like being 16ish again, well, vaginally speaking, that is

    daphne’s last blog post..Mark 7:24-30

  43. although these emails get on your nerves, just think of the poor souls who are contemplating buying them everytime they arrive in their inbox.

    Should I buy some… nah, we’ve not had sex for 20 years why should I start now. ha lol.

  44. And you know what is really fucked up? No matter how many times I comment on your blog, every single time your “comment luv” thingamajiggy has my last blog post as the same one- and it’s one from like 6 months ago at that.
    Just thought I’d mention that in case someone actually clicks through to my blog on that thing and goes “wow this bitch hasn’t posted anything since like March”.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  45. LOL! That swimsuit test chart cracks me up. Towel it? Yea, because I bring a towel with me into the store all the time, and because no one’s going to think I’m crazy when I whip out a towel in the middle of macy’s.

    “Mommy, why is that lady taking a bath in the store?”

    “Don’t stare at the nice lady, Bobby. She’s just having a hard day.”

    Karen’s last blog post..Not So Secretly Obsessed with Calvin Klein Secret Obsession Perfume

  46. I would like the “cleaning the bathtub test” because sometimes I do that so I don’t get my beautiful scullery maid/housework clothes wet. Except I guess that me crouched over, vigorously scrubbing and cursing the Tilex in my eyes would not be a very pretty picture. But more practical than the apple/orange test.

  47. This totally happened to Snow White in the one episode, ‘cept it was a dwarf and not a toddler and the diaper was in fact a diaper because it was geriatric dwarf from the post modern Snow White who actually works at an old age farm, i mean home, and now she’s covered in like diaper gel because the old dwarf was like “You’re hot” and squeezed her ass and then she was like, “dirty old man” and put him in the pool to cool off but she didn’t change his diaper first. Weird.

    JL’s last blog post..Sometimes I work… again

  48. I went to get my hair done today in the first time in forever, and then dye smelled like grape candy. All I could think about was grape vagina. Thanks a lot, Jenny, thanks a lot.

  49. Oh Holy Moses! I hate leaving comments that say “oh that’s so funny!” cause I think that’s lame and totally worthless information. But I’m sitting here, acting like I’m watching the presidential debates, nearly peeing myself thinking about how my giant vagina is going to take over the world of Assheads, and I just HAD to say THAT’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY!!!! Thank you for doing your part in keeping me from the debates. So far, the assheads haven’t said anything my giant vagina has found interesting.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..PhotoStory Friday – It’s THOMAS!!!!

  50. The baby in the pool thing is a hoot. This happened to me with my nephew who shall remain nameless because he is in his formative years now. What did I know about gel in diapers? My own kids were in their late 20’s. Anyway I let him in the pool with his diaper and 3 minutes later he looked like he was wearing a giant white turnip. He weighed about 243 lbs. with all but 28 being water. Had to refill the pool and hide the diaper before his mom saw what I had done to him. Thanks for the memories!

    Cynthia Conciatu’s last blog post..Don’t Give Your New Bride The Vapours!

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