And now I totally want a pet chicken

So this weekend my friend Erin invited me to this special blogger event at the Houston Museum of Natural Science to celebrate a new dinosaur exhibit and to meet brilliant scientists but I didn’t have a babysitter so I brought my 4 year old because it’s illegal to leave her in a closet even if the cats are in there with her.  Then Erin ushered Hailey and me into the private lab and then a live chicken attacked me.  It didn’t really attack me so much as it just walked up to me, but when you aren’t expecting a live chicken to confront you it kind of feels like an assault.  Then the chicken perched itself on my shoulder for the next hour where it tried occassionally to peck out my earring.  Her name was “Schmaltzie Nugget” and Erin said she was there to show us that chickens are just like dinosaurs, which I guess means dinosaurs taste delicious.

The lab had a weird mix of dirt, chickens, live piranhas and very eccentric scientists who were extremely entertaining and didn’t bat an eye when I mentioned that I’d grown up in a house with a bathtub of raccoons and a professional taxidermist for a father.  Then one of them told me his wife found a dead dog and was boiling the flesh off it to put the bones together to find out what kind it was and that’s when it kind of felt like I was home. 

Then this guy wandered in and he looked like my dad if my dad had been living in his car for two weeks and he looked at this sign on the freezer that said “Do not open” and he read it out loud and then shrugged and totally opened it and I didn’t ask what was in there because then he started talking about how some exec at the museum had the heart of a 10 year old boy and that’s probably where he stored it and I wondered why they let the janitor open freezers that clearly said not to open them and then Erin introduced the janitor as Dr. Bakker, who is a totally famous and brilliant paleontologist and not a janitor at all.  Also, according to his wikipedia page, an actor actually played him in Jurassic Park 2 and was eaten by a T-Rex, and if I was him that would totally be how I’d introduce myself to everyone:   “Hi, you may know me from being eaten by dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 2.  Also, I have a PhD from Harvard.  Sorry I look homeless.” 

Hailey attached herself to him immediately because, like her mother, she likes weird guys and they made molds of dinosaur parts.

Then my friend Erica O’Grady walked in and she asked why I’d brought a chicken with me which was kind of insulting but also kind of fair since the last time she’d seen me I was somewhat inappropriately naked on national TV.  And it was also sort of indicative of my status as a blogger because I’m standing next to a blogger who just returned from a red carpter, star-studded Emmy party in LA and I’m wearing a chicken like some kinda fucked-up pirate. 

Then the famous paleontologist dude started this really deep conversation about whether acceptance of evolution leads to increased ethical behavior and the other people in the room were all super smart and were quoting people I’d never heard of and some other scientist solemnly said that “knowledge could be a curse” and I was all “Yeah!  Like with the cyclopses!” and then it got silent and I explained that Cyclops know the day that they are going to die and it makes them clinically depressed and I was a little surprised that they didn’t learn that in college and then after that I just tried to stay quiet.  Then we made some fossil molds of giant T-rex teeth and Hailey tried to put them in her mouth, which was very funny and also probably toxic and she was yelling, “My toofs grew!” and I was very glad she was there because she was the only person there who made me look intelligent in comparison. 

Then I remembered that the last time I was at the museum I went to the butterfly exhibit and some stranger offered me a bug to eat and I totally ate it and it tasted like a cheeto, if cheetos were made of bugs.  Also I had to explain to Hailey that taking candy from a stranger was totally forbidden but turning down the chance to eat a bug was just stupid and I’m pretty sure she got it  she probably didn’t get it at all that I’m the worst mother ever.  So then this time I went back to the butterfly exhibit and found the Insect-O-Matic vending machine that the stranger got the bugs from and bought a whole package of BBQ larvae for you, gentle reader.  It’s kind of a pathetic apology gift because I might be MIA for a little bit because I have to write a book so I may be taking a small break to refocus because I have a book inside me and I’m going to get it out even if I have to forcibly squeeze it out of my vagina.  Because that’s what the world needs.  A book squeezed out of my vagina.

Anyway, leave a comment to enter the “Oh-I-won-some-bugs-to-eat-apparently” contest and I’ll randomly choose a lucky winner next week.

PS.  Dude.  I just looked at the package of BBQ Larvets and there’s only 9 calories in the whole fucking box.  Larvets are totally the new rice cake.

 Comment of the day: I had a pet chicken. His name was midnight. He did tricks, and was trained. He came when you called him, and he’d sing, and he’d dance.   Then my dog bit his head off one night because I forgot to close the door to his coop. ~ Maria

*******************

We have a “winner”.  I asked Hailey to pick a number to see who gets to eat the BBQ larvae and she chose “1,000” which is flattering but useless, so I told her to try again and pick a number under 225 and she chose 21 which belongs to Steph, who didn’t want to win the bugs at all but is now pretty much required to eat them.  Such is life.  The people who don’t want to eat bugs have them mailed to them with threatening letters about children starving in Africa, and the people who desperately want to eat bugs never get the medical attention they need.

234 thoughts on “And now I totally want a pet chicken

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It totally didn’t poop on me at all but it did peck my teeth once which scared the shit out of me but which the scientist said I should take as a compliment since they like shiny things.

  2. That looks like you had a great time.
    I want those bugs! rofl. I’m sick like that though…when my husband and I found bertie bots every flavour jelly beans (or whatever the hell the name is) I totally fed him the gross shit, like vomit, boogers, ear wax, etc. After he ate the vomit one, I thought he was going to kill me!

  3. Just be sure that after you squeeze that book out of your vagina, you wipe it all clean before you share it with all of us. I’ll have that with a side of Insecty Poofs, thank you.

    F.’s last blog post..But I know I am lucky.

  4. I’m really happy that I’m a vegetarian, because if I ever take the Birdy to a science museum, and they want me to eat a bug, I can be all “No thanks *sniff* I’m a vegetarian.”

    But the same guy better not offer me sushi later because I’ll get busted as only mostly vegetarian.

    daisybones’s last blog post..this is me backing up, chilling out.

  5. When the wife and I used to live in Houston (before kids), we went to the Sci. museum often. It is a great museum.

    My family and I went to a local museum where they had the Crick-ettes to eat. My youngest who hasn’t eaten a meal in her 6 years on this planet, LOVED the crickets. We were out for a hike and kept begging to eat more crickets.

    As a mother, you can understand my plight. Please, help me feed my kids. 🙂

    Advanced congrats and best of luck on the impending book. I can’t wait to read it.

    Daddy Joe’s last blog post..A Laurel and Hardy Daddy Daughter Date

  6. I would love a pet chicken. And a pet duck. Probably I would love the duck more and this would make the chicken mad and it would likely peck out my eyes while I was sleeping.

    And my dogs would probably eat it.

    Perhaps I shouldn’t get a chicken.

    Cat’s last blog post..night out

  7. So I don’t know what I’m going to do with you going missing for a while, and I’m not sure I want to win any larvets, but how could I not comment on such a cool afternoon.

    Good luck with the book. Please don’t go so far as to perform a self c-section just to get the book out though.

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..I’m Breaking Up With My Orthopedist

  8. I take this post to mean that you hereby give Dr. Ding all your bloggy rights & privileges thereunto appertaining. Or something. Basically I get to cut & paste the contents of TheBloggess.com into my own blog. For purposes of world domination, you see. Which makes it totally okay.

    Right?

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Ike III: How To Keep From Going Batshit Crazy

  9. OMG! I am so jealous that you got to meet Dr. Bakker! I love him and would have fainted, and possibly humped his leg simultaniously upon meeting him. (Yes, even with that chicken on my shoulder.) He is so the reason that I wanted to be an Archaeologist…and now I am going to finish my degree if it is the last thing I do.

    I was told that I am supposed to write a book too. All of this time though, I have been trying to make it come out of my brain, maybe pushing it out of my vagina would be easier. Then we could start a whole series of books “Pushed out of our vaginas” but only if you are cool with it. Because I so don’t want to steal you thunder, or anything. Plus there is no way in hell mine is going to be as funny as yours.

    Mrs. Tantrum’s last blog post..Tuning Out

  10. I love homeless doctors! They’re the best kind! Didn’t Dr. Red Duke look a little homeless too?

    Anyway, I’ll miss you, so you have to hurry back. Because it’s all about me. At least in my head it is.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Wait! I Teach Religion?

  11. I’m just going to throw the adoption idea out there. And by that, I mean, I would like you to adopt me and become the woman who totes me along with her on her field trips.
    Although I’m prone to temper tantrums, I’m completely potty trained and promise to be on my best behavior.

    sherendipity’s last blog post..Alright, lay it on me

  12. Dude. Pirates should have had chickens instead of parrots. It would have been a replenishing food source on the ship! And also, it could peck someone’s eyes out. Just sayin’.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Totally tubular

  13. You’re awesomeness never ceases to amaze.
    People who can see the world threw fresh eyes and then have the intelligence to share it.
    You really have a gift.
    Thank you for exercising it.

  14. I know that guy! I’m pretty sure that he was walking down the street in NYC pushing a shopping cart covered with filled plastic bags…. filled with who-knows-what.

    I would eat anything once, I think, but I would more likely feed them to my kids. That’s why I am an awesome mom. 🙂

  15. I think I enjoyed your recounting of this event even more than watching Hailey run around with T. rex/walrus teeth. And that’s really saying something, because Hailey is awesome. 🙂

    A few things:

    The story about the Cyclops was brilliant – so much so that it flew right over our heads. I had no idea they know the date of their own deaths. Cool. Well, not for them, obviously.

    With Dr. Bakker, people make that mistake all the time. They either recognize him and geek out or think that the Museum really should beef up it’s security. I kind of wish he could carry his wikipedia entry around with him as some kind of projection/hologram.

    Ed, unfortuntately, no one found any fossil poop. In fact, I think you guys took it all because we poured the 290-million-year old dirt out and everyone was all “that’s just dirt,” and our paleontologists were all “hey, you’re right, maybe we ought to bring out something people can’t actually just see in their backyards” and then we saw some fossil bones. But no poop.

    Book?!? Awesome! I can’t wait to read it!

  16. I remember the larvae/Cheetos post because I TOTALLY misunderstood and thought you had bought some Cheetos that turned out to have bugs in them. Would somebody at the Larvettes packaging company get in trouble if a Cheeto (is there a singular form of Cheetos?) was mistakenly added to the package?

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..Ooh, Pretty Colors!

  17. That sounds like no trip to a museum that I’ve ever taken. Because if they were like that, I would go to museums much more often!

    Are those real bugs in the packets or, you know candy and crap?

    Elisa’s last blog post..Here Comes the Sun!

  18. Somehow I missed that your dad was a taxidermist. Or I thought you were joking. That totally explains a lot. I also thought you were joking about the chicken being on your shoulder, but there it is!

    Good for you for writing a book and all, but I’m annoyed at losing my regular Blogess fix. Clearly my needs were not taken into account.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Sams Holaween

  19. If you google corpralite, you can see pics of dino poop. Truly. People wear them as jewelry.

    I have a few dino bones I’m going to cut into…just never found any poop…yet.

  20. I’m not sure that I want to win, but I definitely had to comment that you must have been a pirate in the past…no women could pull off a chicken on her shoulder like that unless they were. Period.

    p.s. What’s the book about? Vaginas?

  21. Okay.. first.. chickens are evil spawn of the devil and you’re darn lucky Nugget didn’t turn on you and eat your face. Don’t ask me how I know.

    Second, if you intend to push a book out of your vagina, I hope it’s the children’s squishy kind of book or at least paperback.. or that you have an uber tough, iron clad vagina.. in which case, Nugget probably sensed that and that’s why she didn’t peck your eyes out.

    Because that’s what chickens are.. evil little peckers.

    Mahala’s last blog post..County Fairs, Eddie Izzard and The Beatles

  22. You are totally my hero, so I’m going to ignore your accidental mis-grammaring of “Erin ushered Haley and I,” when it clearly should read, “Haley and me.”

    (God, I always do that. I spelled “piranha” wrong too. ~Jenny)

  23. I can’t wait to read a book squeezed out of your vagina. But please don’t go away for too long.

    Also, this post? Explains a lot.

    And I’m jealous because I wish we lived near a cool museum where homeless-looking dudes with Harvard Phd’s would make molds of dinosaur teef with my kids. That would rock.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Tina Fey Rocks As Sarah Palin Again

  24. I went to the blogger preview on Tuesday night instead of Saturday. If I had been there Saturday I would have had your back because I totally knew about the cyclops thing.

    Good luck with your book.

  25. No, you’re not the worst mother ever. That would be the woman in my town who got arrested for being so drunk at 1:30 in the afternoon on Labor Day that her six year old son tried to rouse her by throwing buckets of alternately scalding and freezing water, and when her skin started to bubble up from being burned, had to call 911 and they called the police and found her in a dead drunken stupor.

    You wear your chicken well, by the way.

    manager mom’s last blog post..A Little Help Please…

  26. I don’t even want a box of bugs! NO THANKS! I’ve had cricket lickets, larvae on pizza, and ants dipped in creme de menthe and then rolled in chocolate, and I can safely say THANKS BUT NO!

    But I did want to say, good luck with the book. My first comes out this spring and I’m probably going to be bald, and an alcoholic by the time it comes out, but by damned, it’s coming out! Although, I’m not shooting it out my vajayjay!

    Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..Little Miss Marker

  27. I don’t really want the larvets. Also: I wish you weren’t taking a bloggy break, but I wish you success in your book squeezing extravaganza!

    Love the picture of you with the chicken. But your eye patch appears to be missing. Arrrr, matey!

    Trish’s last blog post..Logical song

  28. Holy shit, and I thought I was crazy for wanting a pet chicken! A few weeks ago at the farmers market, my favorite vendor lady FOUND a baby chicken wandering the neighborhood so she took it in, bought it a cage and a chicken run, the whole 9 yards. She brought him to the market with her and he totally just hung out on her shoulder.. cutest thing ever.

    And good luck with that book, no matter which orifice it comes out of!

    Candace’s last blog post..Fear and loathing in SLC

  29. OMG, OBGYN! FYI, I totally need those larva.

    I went to Thailand and I totally missed out on eating bugs–even though I know they were there somewhere. I just need them. I’ve been ruing the day(s) ever since–even though I loved it there and I’m totally going to move back there and become an ex-pat or something.

    LARVA!!!11!!!!1!!1!!!!!one!11!!!!

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge: Moral

  30. Best blog post ever! It has all of the elements that all best blog post evers do. Children not being locked in closets (with or without cats), real people upon whom movie characters were based (who also look like hobos, but are not hobos), yummy low-cal food shaped like totally un-appetizing things, and casual use of the word vagina in a funny and somehow appropriate context.

    Thank you for that.

    Where can I pre-order your book?

  31. Wow… that was hilarious. I so wish I could just follow you around in a non-creepy, non-stalkerish kind of way and just see how this kind of thing happens because I would totally love to be able to do thinks like this with my kids. Maybe I just need to write more on my own blog and then crazy stuff like this would happen to me, too.

  32. Oh man. Do you know how insanely cool my kids would think I am if I said “Guy! We got bugs in the mail! I’m going to eat them!!” It would be the best.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Pre Flight

  33. I had a pet chicken. His name was midnight. He did tricks, and was trained. He came when you called him, and he’d sing, and he’d dance.

    Then my dog bit his head of one night because I forgot to close the door to his coop.

    Maria’s last blog post..BusyDad: FuckShitStupid

  34. If that book is coming out of your vagina, I hope that it is hermetically sealed because dude… you EAT BUGS and god knows what kind of cooties you got girl. But I’ll still buy the book even if it isn’t hermetically sealed even though the odds are I’ll get the one that was squeezed out of some sweatshop bloggesses vagina because I could never score one that was an original vaginal squeezed edition. I can’t believe I just said vagina so many times in a rough without coughing uncomfortably once. I deserve a drink and I don’t mind if I do.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..motherbumper on modern dentistry

  35. I want the bugs. It’ll make me feel better about that fact that I don’t have my very own tranny legos. And I have chickens. Do you think they would survive the trip to Texas if I shoved them in an envelope and sent them parcel post?

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..A glut of birthdays

  36. 9 calories?

    Dude I could eat those all day long and never go over my Weight Watchers Points. Whoopee.

    Must have!

  37. I need your friends because my friends never take me anywhere fun. They just ask me to water their plants while they go fun places. Maybe I should see that as a sign. I prefer to think that they see me as responsible. Yeah, that’s it.

    Cara’s last blog post..Carpe Diem

  38. Wow. My local museum has wooden puzzles, not a bug vending machine. I’m wicked jealous. I’ve also never been ridden by a chicken. So I’m pretty much swallowed by jealousy right now, and if I show up at your house with a wig like your BlogHer wig, demanding that we trade lives, I’d say you should agree, because you need to share the bugs and chickens and stuff. It’s only fair. Plus, I totally have… um… some stuff that is awesome. Hold on while I try to find something as cool as crunchy bug snacks and chickens that ride your shoulder. Maybe this big bag of yarn has something neat inside it.

    superblondgirl’s last blog post..Scatterbrained

  39. The chicken reminded me of a time I was holding a spider monkey at the zoo. It had diarrhea on my arm, the handler said it was because of the print on my “busy” jacket. So I am suppose to believe my fashion choice was so bad that I made the monkey sick.
    The only thing our local museum has is a lousy, too bright planetarium.
    P.S. Your daughter is adorable.

  40. Look at you hob nobbing with famous scientists. And I can’t believe that you didn’t photoshop a patch over your eye in the picture of you and the chicken.

    (And don’t feel bad about the cyclops comment. Myth is an important way of viewing our world. They should know that.)

    Good luck with the book. (I just pictured it sitting in the bookstore, all dripping with amniotic fluid.)

    Wendy’s last blog post..Embroidered Shade

  41. See if that chicken can give you advice on laying–er–squeezing an oval-shaped book out of your lady parts. You know…because cornerson a regular book would totally hurt. Also wondering if that machine had any Dos Equis-flavored butterfly urine to go with the BBQ bugs. You can’t eat barbeque without beer.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Rest In Peace, Butch Cassidy

  42. Thank Chuck for the archives! I’ll miss you terribly but damnit, I can’t wait to read your book (after it’s wiped clean that is). Did I mention I review books? On three no four websites and an online magazine?

    That chicken totally makes me want to go and make homemade mole and pour it over chicken.
    I’m hungry.

    Gina’s last blog post..Fiestas Patrias Dinner Downsized

  43. I am so totally jealous! This sounded like such a FUN trip! Especially the fact that I missed out on eating BBQ larvae. YUM! Oh, that and having the chicken sit on my shoulder. How special!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..New Shoes

  44. OMG I love this post and am totally and completely jealous that you got to hang out with brilliant paleontologists for the afternoon. When I was a kid, that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was the longest, coolest sounding word I knew. “English professor” is not nearly as cool. And doesn’t come with an awesome homeless guy beard either.

    P.S. If you enter this comment to win the larvets, I will be very sad because I DO NOT want them. If I win them, I will be even sadder. And forced to host a contest for some kind of even grosser edible that I will then fix, so that you will win it no matter whether you enter it or not, just so I can read the blog post you write about eating THAT little “delicacy.” And now that my PS is effectively longer than my comment, my work here is done. Happy Sunday!

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Send in the Clowns (and win free circus tickets!)

  45. Although I’m excited about your Vagina Monologue, I am pissed because your taking a break is obviously part of my curse. No matter what, everything that I discover (I discovered you only about a week ago) and decide that I really, really like gets discontinued shortly thereafter. Grooming products. People. Blogs. Food brands. You name it. I am doomed to be ungroomed, friendless, hungry, and without reading material. Crap.

  46. the chicken would have been totally stoked if you had shared your cheeto larvae. but you didn’t, did you? and i bet it DID poop on you which is what was the dead giveaway that you were not in possession of a PhD.

    my daughter ate one of those things at the san diego zoo, which was indicative to me that she is not really my daughter, much as she resembles me. i would NEVER eat larvae. in front of other people.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Outreach Smackdown

  47. omg. That is the coolest damn event ever. I LOVE the homeless paleontologist and the chicken is the icing on the CAKE. I mean the chicken on the salad. I mean….you know what I mean.

  48. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  49. I totally want a pack of bugs so I can give them out on halloween, claiming them to be made out of jelly. Then I’ll laugh to myself all night.

  50. Oh dear Bloggess .. I am totally going to miss you while you grow that book inside of you and then squeeeeze it out of your vagina. Let me know how that works out .. it HAS to be easier than squeezing a baby out. Although.. of the five babies Ive squeezed out of my vagina, wouldnt you know that the 10lb 10oz baby was the easiest to get out?? (coincidentally he is now the hardest one to deal with..what the hell gives there?)
    Anyway .. good luck with the book . .please done be gone gone gone for too long .. as I now only live for THREE .. count them THREE blogs, and yours happens to be on top.
    Love
    Madness

    Madness’s last blog post..BEE-ESS

  51. PS. Bloggess .. Perhaps I shouldnt sign After School Detention forms for my 7th grade son immediately after reading your blog. My son was given an after school detention for being “tardy to class” and where normally I would say “Respect authority, serve your detention” .. this time I had just finished reading The Bloggess and my written reply on his detention form was this:
    “Being tardy does not warrant an after school detention and Daniel will NOT be serving this. (Mainly because it is an inconvenience to me)”
    I totally just earned bitchiest parent in the entire school .. all thanks to you.
    Love
    Madness

    Madness’s last blog post..BEE-ESS

  52. My mom and dad have chickens. They’re totally creepy. The way they look at you, and then move their head around? Ugh. Gives me nightmares.

    Another thing that would give me nightmares is eating bugs. Nope. Not gonna happen, and I’ve eaten some weird things in my day. Like rattlesnake.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Confessions of an Earth-Murderer

  53. We have a special section at the bookstore for vaginally-produced books, which is kind of odd when you consider BN isn’t really *that type* of bookstore, but there are times when it seems like it. Not when your book would be there, though. I’d make sure of that. You can trust me to be sure your book, however it comes to pass, is represented with care.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..i like big twits and i cannot lie

  54. First of all, if I’m going to be eating anything that’s BBQ flavored, it’s going to be Schmalzie Nugget. Her name already has ‘nugget’ in it for goodness sakes. That’s like naming a cow ‘Greta Burger’. It’s a little morbid, but also kind of tempting.
    Second, good luck with the book. I hope for your vagina’s sake that it’s a paperback.

  55. I can totally hook you up with a chicken. My brother raises them. I know what you are thinking…he lives on a farm right, no. But it is in Tn. They are wierd and don’t have all those “city laws” like we do here.

    Oh, not only are you able to write an awesome blog but you are able to look fantastic in a bff picture with a chicken! Is there something that you can’t do?

  56. I ate a crunchy bug once when I was on mescaline, so I’ll let someone else have that experience. It would be really nice if you sent your winner some mescaline to go with it. The feel of that crunch down my spinal column, oh dear god, it was more purple than the smell that comes out of paper clips when you straighten them.

    Never mind, don’t mail mescaline. Save it for you book writing process. You never know when you might need a spare epidural substitute.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..The Five Ineffective Habits of those who Duck Productivity

  57. “I’m wearing a chicken like some kind of fucked up pirate.” – It’s like you’re inside my head. You speak straight to my heart(I’m a little worried about it, yeah.) I would totally think about eating the larvae now that you’ve told me the whole box is only 9 calories…plus I love anything BBQ flavored. Oh, and I love larvae. And tacos.

    Lacey’s last blog post..Want to know a secret?

  58. I don’t think I can win cause there are laws and crap about bringing foreign bugs in to Australia. We got enough of the mothers here anyway.

    But you could totally bring them to me. Smuggled in your vagina. After you take that book out. God I hope for your sake it is a paper back.

    Kelley’s last blog post..I rock. You rock. We totally rock!

  59. LOL…oh, how I wish I was still a scientist (I would be if it paid better). I miss working in an environment where pretty much everyone either looks homeless or like someone too far gone for “what not to wear”. It was very…freeing.
    But meeting Dr. Bakker, you are SOOO lucky!!!! I have envy.

    becoming mommy’s last blog post..The Time-Bomb and Casual Dining

  60. Oh my God Jenny… I simply can’t get enough of you and your blog. I laugh OUT LOUD every time and my heart does this “tug” thing because I think we were separated at birth (or I’m having a seizure, not sure which). But either way, you RAWK and you and Schmaltzie Nugget should totally tour the country when you squeeze out your book. I’d even eat a larvae if you promise to come to my town… 🙂

  61. GENIUS! This is some coffee-snorting hilarity in its finest!

    THEBLOGESS: “and I was all ‘Yeah! Like with the cyclopses!'”

    I am still laughing over the above comment and your following explanation AND the scientists oblivion.

    Have fun getting that book out of your Vagina, I’ll be ready to read it, armed with condoms and vinegar. Thank god I just found your blog and have lots to read in the meantime.

    DQFSS!’s last blog post..Hybrid Mom Cupcakes: a Recipe for Disaster

  62. Not everyone can rock the live chicken look,
    poultry is the new “dior”
    I just discovered your blog (did you know it was hidden) please don’t go on blog vacation. You are too stinking funny, as for squeezing out a book good luck with that. I would stand in line to read it, especially if there were more chicken references in it.

  63. And third, which I have only discovered this morning, I have now subconsciously adopted “Schmaltzie Nugget” as a new nickname for my 3 month old daughter. It suits her perfectly.

  64. Hi. I don’t want to win your prize because I’ve already eaten bugs. Granted, they were crickets and they were roasted and dipped in chocolate, but still.

    Can’t wait to read your book! Oh yeah, and you’re officially my new favorite blogger. Sorry Slackmistress. Bloggessed is the new puce.

  65. “You’re soaking in it.” Best photoshop addtext I have ever seen. I’m still brainwashed to this day that Palmolive will get me through the dry season. My sister brought be home an entire shopping bag full of dried caterpillars from Botswana. Can I throw those into the giveaway? They are kind of morbid sitting in my cupboard. Next to the severed heads.

    BusyDad’s last blog post..The Adventures of Agent 00Fury

  66. This book you are writing had better be good, because I am quitting coffee and I have replaced my morning cup of coffee with decaf and reading your blog, which has become my pseudo caffeine high. Depriving me of both caffeine and your blog may be too much to take!

    P.S. I don’t want the larvae.

  67. Around here, we have Hot Lix, they’re suckers and various candies with a worm, scorpion, ands, etc. inside the candy. One of the worm lollypops is actually tequila flavored. When I was in Austin this summer, I saw them in one of the novelty shops, shipped from our little town. They’re from this little area here called Grover Beach. Rather funky, indeed. Oh! I’d also like to be entered into the drawing. My 11 year old son totally likes eating dead and live bugs.

  68. I took a trip to a farm in middle school. I dared a friend to give a chicken a piece of her chicken nugget. She did … and the stupid thing ate it.
    At the time .. totally funny .. however, not long after I felt awful. Now, twenty years later, I’m still wracked with guilt over it. I wonder if karma works it’s magic for chickens.
    The thought of how I might pay for that one … whoa. No “mystery meat” for me … ever.

    caroline’s last blog post..I can’t explain it either.

  69. Okay, can I be really stupid? Are the insects in the vending machine real or are they candy? Are they really for people to eat? I’m sorry, I’m just so confused/disturbed.

  70. You are jeenius about the cyclops. I had no idea.

    When I was in Oaxaca (Mexico) people ate chapulines – tiny grasshoppers – ALL the time fried with a little chile and salt. I mean, you would go to a party and there would be a bowl of chapulines on the table. No big. They are pretty good, too.

    Suebob’s last blog post..That was the day that was

  71. I don’t know that I want to eat the bugs, but I sure would love to work at that factory. Do they just wait for things to crawl across the floor then scoop them up to cook them? And BBQ….who thought up that delicious combination? I hope you aren’t gone too long but a book from your vagina might be worth it, just please wash it off ans swaddle it real cute before presenting it to us okay? 🙂

    Kristin’s last blog post..Monday Montage #10

  72. There’s just too much in this post for me to wrap my head around making a short, pithy comment.

    Let me just say that I will buy your book, absolutely, because only you could make “no one thinks this is funny but me” and “stuff better left unpublished” that is this good.

    And only you could offer me paragraphs this big and sentences this long, and still leave me knowing there’s gold inside.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Book Review: I Went Walking

  73. I squeezed a book out of my vagina once. For similar reasons actually. I hope your experience goes better than mine did. ER doctors are just so cynical when you’re clearly innocently trying to squeeze a book out of yourself, and as a last resort it happens to come out of your vagina. It was as if they’d never seen anything like it before, and I was like ‘I thought you were doctors!’

    I seem to talk about my vagina every time I comment on your blog. Come back soon, it’s the only place my vagina talk is tolerated.

  74. Can I comment without entering the “win some yummy larvae” contest? I just wanted to inform you that you have a great deal of impact on people’s lives. I, for instance, dreamt tonight that I had a pet seagull (and this is true, yes).

    Classical Chick’s last blog post..Aaaarrrgghhhh!!!

  75. Yeah, so we had some pet chickens for a year. I kept expecting them to die over the longest winter in history – but they are really resilient. We named them all “Dinner” because we were in a ‘trying to live off the land’ phase and planned to eat them. After the first home butchering chicken experience, though, we gave them away to a family who changed there names to Dina 1 and Dina 2. But the chickens probably weren’t fooled, they still knew there names were Dinner1 and Dinner2.

    Mitzy’s last blog post..No H2O On the Go…(Jr.)

  76. Dude! I went to Good MomBad mom, and saw your last name. I went to high school with a Jenny Lawson! Funny thing is when we graduated she moved to Texas (Im in SE New Mexico), with her daughter. I am totally not making this up…her kids name is Penelope though. Coolness.

    Anywhoo …..just wanted to share and say Hi, neighbor!

  77. Maybe you could just write one of those little tiny useless inspirational books they sell by the cash registers at Borders? Or write a full length book, sure, but as a clever marketing gimmick you could have it published in teeny tiny volumes, chapter by chapter? ‘Cause your book-birthin’ imagery is making my vagina hurt.

    Velma’s last blog post..Papaginos, Papaginos, Papaginooooosss!

  78. I’m commenting only to say I hope you do write a book so I can buy it and then read it and then give it to someone else to read because you’re just so flipping funny and as others have stated many, many times before, I think I love you too (in that sort of one writer to another way, although you definitely have a larger fanbase than my three readers plus my mom, so I guess that makes four, but if you go to my blog you’ll only see three even though I swear I have more than that).

    Please write a book.

    Thanks. And I’ll totally take those larvets if I do happen to win.

    Janine’s last blog post..Productivity at an all time low.

  79. Interesting timing. My husband and I just just had one of those wine-induced conversations (where you’re totally serious, but know you won’t follow through) where we decided we should get some chickens for the back yard to lay eggs to feed our large family. Went so far as to Google how many eggs chickens lay (one every 26 hours, unless emotionally scarred by, say, my two year old) and how long they produce eggs (2-4 years, then it’s KFC for the lot of them). We rent in a rather hoity toity subdivision outside Wash DC, so the best part was picturing the Homeowners’ Assoc calling the landlord to complain that we had “livestock” in the back yard. Hmph, seemed so much more do-able after a bottle of Chianti.

    Dolanmama’s last blog post..Christmas Letters – Part 2

  80. I have never tried a bug, but when my daughter was in preschool she had a fondness for ants. If the whole box is 9 calories, I could eat like 6 boxes, and it would only be like one Weight Watchers point!

  81. Dear Blogess,
    I am totally in love with you 😉 You are hilarious. I’ve recently found your blog and and I can’t stop coming back to read what you have to say. Never stop!
    Your Admirer

  82. You know, “schmaltz” means “chicken-fat”. They just called your chicken FAT! Are you gonna take that?! Yeah, I thought not.

  83. Oh my God! I had a chicken pet when I was a kid! Her name was Mattea!
    When she died I was on holiday so my granmother, who was taking care of her, put her in the freezer so that I could see her one last time…I think that’s why I don’t like chicken…

  84. Love your pirate chicken.

    Dr. Bakker is world renowned. Very cool that you and your daughter were able to spend the afternoon with him.

    I’d love to be considered for the Oh-I-won-some-bugs-to-eat-apparently, I’d be sure to share them with my 4-yr old daughter and 9-yr old son.

  85. wow…I totally want those bugs. It would be a totally awesome present at Christmas. Wait…do they have an expiration date? Do bugs “go bad”? Either way it’ll be funny.

  86. Lucky for you that chicken wasn’t an asshead and the janitordoctor didn’t think like suckrats.

    See? Things are definitely better!

    I really hope I can get to try bbq larva for free. I promise to post pictures!

    Best of luck with squeezing things out of you vagina – I will miss you, but will no doubt be rewarded with a wonderful (if not slightly sticky) book!

    Rikki’s last blog post..Peanuts and Grapes

  87. I totally get the Cheeto reference now. I want to win so I can say to my 4yo son “It’s the broccoli or the bugs, what’s it gonna be?”

  88. okay, I’m going to pull a Palin on you and say “yes, that’s a funny story but I don’t understand it so I am going to change the subject to something I want to talk about”…. a conversation I had with my 5 year old daughter, Halle (who is always mistaken for a Hailey)…about the dismembered Barbies I found in her doll drawer. I asked…”Halle, what happened to all these Barbies?…and she got sort of quiet and then said…”well, really, mommy… I don’t really want to kill Barbie. But I kind of do.” …and I had to admit that I thought a lot of women feel that way. or maybe I should get her some counseling. any advice?

  89. Oh my go, I`ve never laughed so hard in my life…and I am at work and probably gonna get fired now…thanks a lot. No, just kidding, but I am so glad that I found your blog because your totally crack me up.

  90. “Does this cock make me look fat?”

    Squeeze fast because I can’t take my life without your blog in it! But if I had a book squeezed out your Beautiful Bloggess Vagina then I could take your wisdom everywhere and share it with the world. Then we could all be on the look out for Tiny Sasquatches and Ninja Everywhere.

    Sorry Victor, Vagina in Use!

  91. cool story. really. i usually keep my trap shut around people because, like, only two people in the world would get my references. one is dead and the other isn’t speaking to me. nice to see the word vagina in a blog again. it has been too too long.

  92. For someone with a chicken on her shoulder, you live quite an enviable life…

    I already want an autographed copy of your book, so I hope you schedule a signing somewhere around H-town.

    SpondyGirl’s last blog post..Where have I been?

  93. OMG, you’re a freak of nature, and I love it!!!!!!!! Just popped over here from Texas Word Tangle, and really enjoyed your dinosaur/chicken/bug experience! Did the chicken shit on you?

    Justine:o )

    Justine’s last blog post..The Block Par-Tay!

  94. Bwhahaha! You can come to visit us next. Mad professors, chickens, bugs, weirdos and dementors… We,ve got it all!

  95. My boyfriend and his coworker had a contest to see who could buy the other one the most ridiculous calendar for 2009 to hang in the office (sans nudity, since it is a workplace). My boyfriend searched long and hard and found the best calendar ever: “Exraordinary Chickens.” Yes, that’s right, Barnes and Noble offers such a calendar, 12 months of truely extraordinary pultry. He was a little embarassed when his coworker got him a calendar of Indiana Jones, because he actually thought some of the pictures were pretty bad-ass.

  96. Chickens are fantastic pets. I have 10. I’m the crazy chicken lady. People pretend to like me for the fresh eggs. My girls would do all kinds of chicken tricks for the larvae. I wonder if the machine was really meant for chicken treats.

  97. Hiyaaaa! Have you considered – Ads Crix Paleo Diet (do a google search)? I’ve heard some awesome things about it and my GF got excellent results with it.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: