The internet doesn’t even *know* your grandfather.

in bizarre, blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, Random Crap, this blog cures cancer

So according to Google Analytics, this morning someone found my blog searching for this:

 

Seriously people, I don’t even know what to say anymore.  It’s disconcerting.  Plus when you google that phrase and click “I’m feeling lucky” google is all “O-o-oh, you want to know about how to beat off a ninja with a Japanese shoe horn” and it goes straight to my blog .  So like, everyone loses.

Baffled.

PS.  This one though I’m pretty sure I deserve…

Comment of the day: Why would anyone want to know how to beat off a ninja? Don’t they have geishas for that?  ~The Husband

103 thoughts on “The internet doesn’t even *know* your grandfather.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Have you ever considered leaving your brain for science? I certainly would be interested in how it works.

  6. And you’re concerned why? What am I not seeing here? Is this weird or something? What kind of sheltered provincial world do you love in?

  7. A recent search that found our site (and made me laugh) was “important things in Germany”.

    If only we could look into the hearts and minds of random searchers, eh?

    Darren’s last blog post..Online Fundraising

  8. Why would anyone want to know how to beat off a ninja? Don’t they have geishas for that? But I guess that would distract him a little. And then you could totally run away. Wow, Google’s already got it all figured out.

    The Husband’s last blog post..A neat little trick

  13. Sometimes I stay away from Google Analytics. Because there is a dark underbelly of society I realize it’s best I don’t know about.

    Well, truthfully I stay away because nobody wants to log on and see “NOBODY VISITED YOUR SUCK-ASS BLOG VIA AN F’D UP GOOGLE SEARCH OR ANY OTHER ARRIVAL METHOD. YOUR BLOG HAS ZERO VISITORS. DO GOOGLE ANALYTICS A FAVOR AND FOLD YOUR BLOG NOW.”

    But, you know, the dark underbelly thing too.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Dead Lizards And Birds Really Aren’t That Inspiring, Frankly (But A New Soda Machine In My Living Room Would Be)

  16. According to Google Analytics NOBODY finds me through a Google search. A warning flashes – YOUR TOPICS ARE BORING AND NO ONE IS SEARCHING FOR THEM!

    The good news is that it shows people go there ON PURPOSE. Yup. By direct links.

    There is a god. Someone loves me. 🙂

    kristin’s last blog post..Twilight Zone

  17. I can’t even come close to this, but my blog ranks very highly for any search containing the words “barf” and “airplane”.

    Best searches this month include, “mom caught son naked but both ok with it” and “girls sitting on guys lap and peeing.”

    Honestly, I don’t think people even understand how Google works.

    jamie’s last blog post..Holiday Escape Hatch

  20. So I understand why they sent people doing a search for “God Strangles Cats” to you, what I can’t believe is that FIVE people did a search for “God Strangles Cats.” Who the fuck does a search for “God Strangles Cats???”

    Cara’s last blog post..Hoity Toity

  21. Probably Jesus, wondering where all his cats went too. Although if Jesus owns cats they’d have to already be dead to be in heaven so I guess they’re probably safe from being strangled up there. Which begs the question…”Where did all of Jesus’ cats go?”

  24. My grandpa used to think he was a black dude wearing ninja shoes, but I’ve never googled it.

  27. People only seem to find my blog if they Google whether the woman who plays the mom on “The Suite Life of Zac and Cody” is pregnant. Or is naked. Or naked while pregnant. Or is naked while pregnant with the child of Carrie from “Mythbusters.”

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..Nothing But Puke and Plugs

  30. I did a post on Oprah’s favorite bra once, I put it on my kids head and said it looked like Mickey mouse ears. That was about two years ago and I still get about a dozen google searches a day from it. People really want to have Oprah’s boobs.

    clickmom’s last blog post..refreshing

  31. Wow, that actually works. I typed in the whole thing and your blog shows up as the first two hits, followed by backyardchickens and babyrific.

    Me, I get stuff like “perverse and often baffling”, “so a seagull walks into a shop” and “bondage made easy”.

    Steve’s last blog post..Everything’s Amazing / Nobody’s Happy

  34. I’m pretty sure that ninja-wannabes in grandfather shoes don’t use the Internet. But I’m starting to think that more cats should, for their own protection.

    Tracy’s last blog post..Noodling

  35. Jenny, if Jesus is hanging around WIFI hot spots, googling to find out why his Dad is offing cats, I’m going to have to say that the apocalypse is upon us. And then I’m going to make some cat jerky to get through the hard times.

  36. That’s it! Now you’ve gone and made me install google analyzer onto my blog because I am so darn curious to see what people are searching for.

    Also, you people must be really creepy if those are the things that link to your blogs.

    Mikki’s last blog post..It’s Monday

  39. hahah that is great! where in Analytics do you find that?

    (Under the “traffic Sources” pie chart click “view report” and then on the bottom right hand click “view full report” under the keyword section. Prepare to be totally freaked out. ~Jenny)

  40. I’m not sure it’s a good thing to know what people are googling when they find you. You’re looking in the face of the raw cesspool of humanity. Kinda like going to the Walmart on the other side of the tracks.

    It does make for some entertaining blog posts, though.

    Kat’s last blog post..Kerfis – Update

  42. That first search phrase only looks strange out of context. I’m pretty sure it’s from Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities.

  43. I get searches for ‘Bloggess’ and ‘Ninja’ and “ninja Bloggess’ and I am all WTF? And then I go and Google that shit and come up with nothing.

    Cause Google is broken.

    Or I don’t know how to drive it.

    But I am thinking of renaming my blog ‘More ninja than the Bloggess’ whatcha think?

    Kelley’s last blog post..GoldenChild-mas

  46. well, you know, quite honestly i’m happy you’re out there providing a service to all the wackos on the internet. when they’re not beating off with a shoe horn they’re killing kittens in the name of God. and really, we should all thank you for entertaining them…
    lol

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Fun Fact Friday

  50. The ONLY search used for my blog is “slutty shoes” and they are all, to a person, from Saudi Arabia. Or, okay, several southern states. And then there was the person looking for “lycra genitals” (which I so do not have, but what convenience!).

    Barbara’s last blog post..Shopping therapy

  52. I love these search term posts. Even though it reminds me I am totally not in the same league.
    After a flurry of yawn-inducing searches such as “I am sorry for forgetting our lunch date”, I was so excited to finally spot “Playplace pee pants”.
    Google is magic! It knew. I didn’t even need to blog about it.

    Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..Spelling the Beast

  55. Seriously? The things people google. People find my website through searches like “pee in plastic pants” and “they’re just hatin’ on you cuz you’re dope”

    deidre’s last blog post..You Got Here How?

  56. Too funny! I get strange search strings, but that one takes the cake!

    If you deserve “God strangles 5 cats” then I have been seriously neglecting myself by not reading your blog sooner!

    sorenj’s last blog post..Will v. Will final!!

  61. OK, had to add this…

    Just now, I checked my logs and about 4 hours ago someone in Australia landed on my blog with the search messy leg cast poo. An image search. Dude. Seriously.

    My blog was the #4 image. An image of a woman looking through wine glasses. An it’s not even on the page. WTF?

    I think Google’s massive network of server farms and search algorithms has finally achieved sentience and is sending people to random pages to relieve the boredom. I bet it’s even inserting false searches like Michelle Meyrink scuba gear when you’re not paying attention. Yeah, that’s it. Ahem.

    Steve’s last blog post..Everything’s Amazing / Nobody’s Happy

  63. Uh, yeah that’s messed up. You get much more interesting results than I do. My blog gets boring stuff like, “Did the French invent french toast?” and “what did Megan get on her backpack because of other kids?”. Maybe I should start writing about vibrators or something to make it a bit more exciting.

    Jen W’s last blog post..The shortest wrestling show in history

  65. Google is a public service of the catholic church or the scientologists or something like that. It divines that you have a sin or toxin via those search terms and purges it when the searcher, also known as the “bishop” clicks through. Click = purge.

    You are supposed to say thank you.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..And then Kaos broke loose

  67. Sometimes I make up words just so I’ll be the top Google for that word. Like plubacity.

    That dude really must think the Internet is magical. I wish I believed things like that. His world must be wondrous and amazing (and disappointing a lot of the time, though he probably doesn’t notice.)

    Hello, Jenny the BBllooggeess. (I can never remember which letters to double.)

  76. You know, I Googled the ninja thing and I bet they were looking for either the Muslim Man’s Guide to Style or the Ninja High School websites. I think I found you a couple of months ago by Googling Kabuki Squid Vagina. Call it serendipity.

  80. Oh yea? Five people came to my blog this week searching for the term “balls chopped vet today.” And the number one search term of all time is “butt sweat.” I rock.

  82. This blog is filled with depressingly interesting people.
    I blame my mundane life on my granpa for not being a ninja. He does have granpa shoes and a shoehorn….. but something tells me the ninja is the essential ingredient.

    Yaya’s last blog post..New flatmate needed

  85. How come you never hear about God strangling a dog?

    Because every time a god strangles a dog, a dog selgnarts a god.

    Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

  88. You’re lucky, I just have people coming to my blog after searching for “Masturbating Boys”, “Mass Human Sterilization”, and “lesbians making out in the front car seat”…

    cyniclite’s last blog post..Comments…

  89. My only interesting one: “ooooh, it looks like the fourth of july… and makes me want a hotdog real bad!” sent 2 total visits. Which, when googled, sends you to Crazy Aunt Perl’s blog and not to mine. Odd, that.

    Just as I am a little distressed by your searcher’s lack of understanding of the rules of grammar, I am quite bothered by all of the O’s in my search. Quite. Bothered.

    Karen’s last blog post..PROMPTuesday 32

  90. You get all the funny people.

    But I had someone (from India) searching on “keys to a strong marriage.” I about spit coffee when I saw that. I think I lost the keys a loooong time back.

    ben’s last blog post..just keep swimming

  92. Yeah, just wrote about our Christmas stool at my place, bracing for “Christmas Shit,” “nativity dump,” and other festive fecal searches. Maybe I should write about corn.

    amanda’s last blog post..Croatians and Bunnies

  95. I have Analytics set up for my blog but have no idea how to find out what people are googling to find me.

    To be honest, I’m probably better off not knowing as the two words that appear most often are “anus” and “jesus.”

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Why You Gotta Be Like That?

  96. Oh shit! That’s absolutely hilarious. I want to know what I come up under. I do know that many of my AdSense contextual ads are for Robert Goulet memorabilia, but that only makes sense.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Punk rock progeny

  100. I love looking at those “searches that brought the strays to your door.” Sometimes, they make sense… sometimes…not.

    Like, when I wrote about Sarah Palin and someone from Wasilla just HAPPENED to find my blog because they were trying to figure out whether to spell out numbers under twelve.

    Yeah, I believe in coincidence. And the Tooth Fairy (seriously, he lives in San Francisco with Finster, the Fingernail Fairy).

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: