So according to Google Analytics, this morning someone found my blog searching for this:
Seriously people, I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s disconcerting. Plus when you google that phrase and click “I’m feeling lucky” google is all “O-o-oh, you want to know about how to beat off a ninja with a Japanese shoe horn” and it goes straight to my blog . So like, everyone loses.
Baffled.
PS. This one though I’m pretty sure I deserve…
Comment of the day: Why would anyone want to know how to beat off a ninja? Don’t they have geishas for that? ~The Husband
WTF?
The “God strangles cats” I totally get.
Petra’s last blog post..The Wise (*Young*) Mommy: The Early Years
Do what I did and title one of your posts “Grotesque Breast Implants.” Then at least you know you’ve got some normal perverts sniffing around your site.
Velma’s last blog post..It’s All About Me
Have you ever considered leaving your brain for science? I certainly would be interested in how it works.
Oh, GREAT. Now I need to find out who that guy is.
Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..I Think I Might Be Getting Old Because I Am Thinking About A Colon Cleanse. Or Maybe I’m Just Turning Into A Hippy. Neither Prospect Delights.
What I find most interesting is that this guy expects Google to know what kind of shoes his grandpa used to wear. Like how would Google know that?
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..And finally, the good news…
And you’re concerned why? What am I not seeing here? Is this weird or something? What kind of sheltered provincial world do you love in?
A recent search that found our site (and made me laugh) was “important things in Germany”.
If only we could look into the hearts and minds of random searchers, eh?
Darren’s last blog post..Online Fundraising
Why would anyone want to know how to beat off a ninja? Don’t they have geishas for that? But I guess that would distract him a little. And then you could totally run away. Wow, Google’s already got it all figured out.
The Husband’s last blog post..A neat little trick
I don’t even know how to respond to that. It’s the most random search imaginable.
Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..An Impending Sense of Birth
I got one recently that was “Pictures of boobs with stretch marks” I have never posted pictures of my boob stretchmarks, only my stretch marked abs…
kd@abitsquirrelly’s last blog post..Then the dryer buzzes reminding you that you suck
It’s nice that these days people can drop acid and then google.
Marinka’s last blog post..Guess What?
You make me laugh all day long. Loudly. The neighbors will think I’m a loon — which of course, I am. Food blog searche stats are never this warped.
kellypea’s last blog post..Warm Spinach Salad with Bacon and Pomegranate
Sometimes I stay away from Google Analytics. Because there is a dark underbelly of society I realize it’s best I don’t know about.
Well, truthfully I stay away because nobody wants to log on and see “NOBODY VISITED YOUR SUCK-ASS BLOG VIA AN F’D UP GOOGLE SEARCH OR ANY OTHER ARRIVAL METHOD. YOUR BLOG HAS ZERO VISITORS. DO GOOGLE ANALYTICS A FAVOR AND FOLD YOUR BLOG NOW.”
But, you know, the dark underbelly thing too.
Lesley’s last blog post..Dead Lizards And Birds Really Aren’t That Inspiring, Frankly (But A New Soda Machine In My Living Room Would Be)
I get a lot of searches with the phrase “the frog does not drink from the pond it lives in.” A LOT of searches for that. I’m baffled. Are these women searching for their frog princes? People who are concerned about where frogs drink?
Rhea’s last blog post..Pink Light Sabers are used to fight Shame.
And what exactly would someone expect to find with that search? The search “diaper girls” consistently finds my site and I can’t figure out why. It’s kind of funny and a lot creepy.
Kim Woodbridge’s last blog post..Google Page Rank – A Sudden 3 Point Drop!!!
According to Google Analytics NOBODY finds me through a Google search. A warning flashes – YOUR TOPICS ARE BORING AND NO ONE IS SEARCHING FOR THEM!
The good news is that it shows people go there ON PURPOSE. Yup. By direct links.
There is a god. Someone loves me. 🙂
kristin’s last blog post..Twilight Zone
I can’t even come close to this, but my blog ranks very highly for any search containing the words “barf” and “airplane”.
Best searches this month include, “mom caught son naked but both ok with it” and “girls sitting on guys lap and peeing.”
Honestly, I don’t think people even understand how Google works.
jamie’s last blog post..Holiday Escape Hatch
I’m pretty sure it’s someone’s job at google to come up with the most ridiculous searches anyone could ever think of and search them just to give people stuff to blog about. I would take that job any day…
gingela5’s last blog post..This Is What You Get When I’m Sick…
Did I miss something? I mean I know your last post killed my cat but i had no idea about the shoes. Clearly, I am behind. I’m such a Blogess loser.
The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..Oh Superman Where Are You Now?
So I understand why they sent people doing a search for “God Strangles Cats” to you, what I can’t believe is that FIVE people did a search for “God Strangles Cats.” Who the fuck does a search for “God Strangles Cats???”
Cara’s last blog post..Hoity Toity
Probably Jesus, wondering where all his cats went too. Although if Jesus owns cats they’d have to already be dead to be in heaven so I guess they’re probably safe from being strangled up there. Which begs the question…”Where did all of Jesus’ cats go?”
Your grandpa was a ninja? That’s awesome. Congrats.
Jim’s last blog post..Safe Harbor
So this guy’s grandpa had his shoes stolen by a ninja? SHIT, why can’t my grandpa tell cool stories like that? Grandpa, consider this a warning: you got to step things up dude.
katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..two years ago today
My grandpa used to think he was a black dude wearing ninja shoes, but I’ve never googled it.
think i would have found what i was looking for had i been more descriptive with the shoes?
monica’s last blog post..closing ceremonies
that is one hell of a search, seriously what are people doing these days.
katelin’s last blog post..I came, I saw and I Twilighted.
People only seem to find my blog if they Google whether the woman who plays the mom on “The Suite Life of Zac and Cody” is pregnant. Or is naked. Or naked while pregnant. Or is naked while pregnant with the child of Carrie from “Mythbusters.”
always home and uncool’s last blog post..Nothing But Puke and Plugs
You’re the dirty whore of the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. You should be so proud.
mrtl’s last blog post..Rally ‘Round the Debutaunt
The health department really needs to launch a “don’t do drugs and google” campaign.
The weirdest one I’ve gotten lately was “bunny busting”. I don’t know what that is; clearly Google doesn’t either.
Keely’s last blog post..8 Laws My House Should Have, and 2 it has in spades
I did a post on Oprah’s favorite bra once, I put it on my kids head and said it looked like Mickey mouse ears. That was about two years ago and I still get about a dozen google searches a day from it. People really want to have Oprah’s boobs.
clickmom’s last blog post..refreshing
Wow, that actually works. I typed in the whole thing and your blog shows up as the first two hits, followed by backyardchickens and babyrific.
Me, I get stuff like “perverse and often baffling”, “so a seagull walks into a shop” and “bondage made easy”.
Steve’s last blog post..Everything’s Amazing / Nobody’s Happy
The movies taught me that white dudes can’t be ninjas either, so how many hits have you gotten off of that?
Daisy J. Wonderdog did the last search. She said that cats deserve it.
the slackmistress’s last blog post..A Very Slack Thanksgiving.
I’m pretty sure that ninja-wannabes in grandfather shoes don’t use the Internet. But I’m starting to think that more cats should, for their own protection.
Tracy’s last blog post..Noodling
Jenny, if Jesus is hanging around WIFI hot spots, googling to find out why his Dad is offing cats, I’m going to have to say that the apocalypse is upon us. And then I’m going to make some cat jerky to get through the hard times.
That’s it! Now you’ve gone and made me install google analyzer onto my blog because I am so darn curious to see what people are searching for.
Also, you people must be really creepy if those are the things that link to your blogs.
Mikki’s last blog post..It’s Monday
Well, Google at least got the cat thing right.
annie’s last blog post..Back When I was Cool is the Monday Meme
My greatest search from google was “Dancing Poop”….I can assure you that none of the poop in my house dances.
Kerrie’s last blog post..With Lightning Speed
hahah that is great! where in Analytics do you find that?
(Under the “traffic Sources” pie chart click “view report” and then on the bottom right hand click “view full report” under the keyword section. Prepare to be totally freaked out. ~Jenny)
I’m not sure it’s a good thing to know what people are googling when they find you. You’re looking in the face of the raw cesspool of humanity. Kinda like going to the Walmart on the other side of the tracks.
It does make for some entertaining blog posts, though.
Kat’s last blog post..Kerfis – Update
Must have been someone looking for the guy she (he?) met in a bar. You know…one of those chance encounters like on Craig’s List where your eyes met across a crowded room but the fates kept you apart that evening so you have to do a Google search to find him. MMM…Grandpa’s shoes. Must have been hot.
Wanda’s last blog post..I am thankful for all things that remind me of warm weather.
That first search phrase only looks strange out of context. I’m pretty sure it’s from Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities.
I get searches for ‘Bloggess’ and ‘Ninja’ and “ninja Bloggess’ and I am all WTF? And then I go and Google that shit and come up with nothing.
Cause Google is broken.
Or I don’t know how to drive it.
But I am thinking of renaming my blog ‘More ninja than the Bloggess’ whatcha think?
Kelley’s last blog post..GoldenChild-mas
Oh boy, now you’ve done it. Just think about all the nasty hits you are going to get by publishing the words ‘beat off a ninja’!
Megan’s last blog post..Is This Real? I Don’t Know
it will not surprise you that “fatty finger sex poop fatty poop” gets me LOADS of visitors
flutter’s last blog post..Therapy notes :A little disconcerting
well, you know, quite honestly i’m happy you’re out there providing a service to all the wackos on the internet. when they’re not beating off with a shoe horn they’re killing kittens in the name of God. and really, we should all thank you for entertaining them…
lol
Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Fun Fact Friday
Are we back to God stangling kittens again? Are you doing whatever it was that caused him to to that again? Oh you!
AmberStar’s last blog post..These are the days of our lives
I’ve had several folks find my blog through “Gay Eastern Interrogation Bloc.”
I’m seriously fucking jealous of that awesome google.
shonda’s last blog post..I’m An Asshole
I thought He strangled kittens.
patois’s last blog post..Five Things I Want My Children To Know Before They Grow Up
The ONLY search used for my blog is “slutty shoes” and they are all, to a person, from Saudi Arabia. Or, okay, several southern states. And then there was the person looking for “lycra genitals” (which I so do not have, but what convenience!).
Barbara’s last blog post..Shopping therapy
Until you’ve been beaten off by a shoe horn,
You really don’t know what you’re missing.
I love these search term posts. Even though it reminds me I am totally not in the same league.
After a flurry of yawn-inducing searches such as “I am sorry for forgetting our lunch date”, I was so excited to finally spot “Playplace pee pants”.
Google is magic! It knew. I didn’t even need to blog about it.
Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..Spelling the Beast
I sure hope Grandpa wasn’t buried in those shoes. ‘Cause that would be disturbing.
Momma Trish’s last blog post..You say it’s your b-day? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
I favor the usage of “this sucks donkey balls” whenever I’m upset. So I’m not suprised that a search for “sexy woman suck donkey balls” leads back to my blog.
Disturbing as fuck.
But, no. Not surprised
the constantly dramatic one’s last blog post..That car was a ninja and it totally did ambushed me…..
Seriously? The things people google. People find my website through searches like “pee in plastic pants” and “they’re just hatin’ on you cuz you’re dope”
deidre’s last blog post..You Got Here How?
Too funny! I get strange search strings, but that one takes the cake!
If you deserve “God strangles 5 cats” then I have been seriously neglecting myself by not reading your blog sooner!
sorenj’s last blog post..Will v. Will final!!
me love you long time.
Kimberlee’s last blog post..blogger album project
Awesome.
Kylie’s last blog post..Seasonal Ambiguous Disorder
on this blog, no one can hear you scream
galveston dewey’s last blog post..draw: the lovers
Sometimes, I find myself typing phrases to see what it pulls in from random searches.
Sadly? Some of them are actually GOOGLED.
tracey’s last blog post..What’s your holiday mission statement?
OK, had to add this…
Just now, I checked my logs and about 4 hours ago someone in Australia landed on my blog with the search messy leg cast poo. An image search. Dude. Seriously.
My blog was the #4 image. An image of a woman looking through wine glasses. An it’s not even on the page. WTF?
I think Google’s massive network of server farms and search algorithms has finally achieved sentience and is sending people to random pages to relieve the boredom. I bet it’s even inserting false searches like Michelle Meyrink scuba gear when you’re not paying attention. Yeah, that’s it. Ahem.
Steve’s last blog post..Everything’s Amazing / Nobody’s Happy
LOLZ at least yer gettin some traffic!
Uh, yeah that’s messed up. You get much more interesting results than I do. My blog gets boring stuff like, “Did the French invent french toast?” and “what did Megan get on her backpack because of other kids?”. Maybe I should start writing about vibrators or something to make it a bit more exciting.
Jen W’s last blog post..The shortest wrestling show in history
TOTAL. FUCKING.AWESOMENESS.
thordora’s last blog post..“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. “
Google is a public service of the catholic church or the scientologists or something like that. It divines that you have a sin or toxin via those search terms and purges it when the searcher, also known as the “bishop” clicks through. Click = purge.
You are supposed to say thank you.
Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..And then Kaos broke loose
Honestly, I want to learn how to beat off ANYONE with a shoehorn.
Sometimes I make up words just so I’ll be the top Google for that word. Like plubacity.
That dude really must think the Internet is magical. I wish I believed things like that. His world must be wondrous and amazing (and disappointing a lot of the time, though he probably doesn’t notice.)
Hello, Jenny the BBllooggeess. (I can never remember which letters to double.)
The best I ever get is “tomato soup from scratch” and I didn’t even post that recipe.
Kristine’s last blog post..7 degrees of Elvis
What can I say, I have a thing for old fogie shoe wearing ninjas. Makes me all hot and bothered.
nikki’s last blog post..You can quit your whining now Janet
We really need to pin down what kind of shoes EXACTLY..I’m picturing the old tan loafer/houseshoes that most papaw’s just push down to make them slip-ons..? Anyone else?
I just can’t see a ninja getting down in a pair of othopedic velcro kicks.
that girl’s last blog post..I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sor-…
At least they just think you’re an angry black ninja who kills cats and thinks he’s the almighty profit sent from god. Google thinks I’m a perverted girl who “goes commando” every day and let’s her kitten lick her.
SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..Perverted sea creatures and misguided signage
i too love days when i can blog about my blog and how fucking crazy it is.
furiousball’s last blog post..tales of bygone days and puffy pirate shirts
Don’t get me started on why “Dan Blocker Spanking” goes to my blog.
t2ed’s last blog post..Pretty Fry for a White Guy
Funny as hell. What did they expect to find when they typed “God strangles cats”?
Lula’s last blog post..Exhausted
hilarious
You know, I Googled the ninja thing and I bet they were looking for either the Muslim Man’s Guide to Style or the Ninja High School websites. I think I found you a couple of months ago by Googling Kabuki Squid Vagina. Call it serendipity.
Someone came to my blog yesterday looking for Harry Potter’s boner. I advised him to look at Ginny Weasley’s blog.
I hope that holds him off a few days.
father muskrat’s last blog post..Muskrat’s New Home
I wonder if “Grandpa Shoes” are like the “Christmas Shoes”?
kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..Twilight Zone
I had a search hit recently from Google – “gay guys slouch socks”.
That elbowed squid link you sent in Twitter is freaky!!! It looks like an underwater version of the queen Alien from the movies.
avonlea’s last blog post..What’s a Nice Date Without Barf on Your Clothes?
Oh yea? Five people came to my blog this week searching for the term “balls chopped vet today.” And the number one search term of all time is “butt sweat.” I rock.
How come you never hear about God strangling a dog?
apathy lounge’s last blog post..White Meat or Dark: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
This blog is filled with depressingly interesting people.
I blame my mundane life on my granpa for not being a ninja. He does have granpa shoes and a shoehorn….. but something tells me the ninja is the essential ingredient.
Yaya’s last blog post..New flatmate needed
Fuck CATS!
Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..Managing Application Servers with WSUS
My Grandfather wore really ugly shoes, and I’m pretty sure a ninja wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything un-stylish.
Kaila’s last blog post..Of hairy boogers and good books
How come you never hear about God strangling a dog?
Because every time a god strangles a dog, a dog selgnarts a god.
Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
Ah, but do you think you a ninja?
Avitable’s last blog post..Five questions from Avitable
this just in…
bloody pot-smokin’ ninja kittens are being accosted by Jenny the Bloggess
google rocks
reeky’s last blog post..We Have Marital Fleas
You’re lucky, I just have people coming to my blog after searching for “Masturbating Boys”, “Mass Human Sterilization”, and “lesbians making out in the front car seat”…
cyniclite’s last blog post..Comments…
My only interesting one: “ooooh, it looks like the fourth of july… and makes me want a hotdog real bad!” sent 2 total visits. Which, when googled, sends you to Crazy Aunt Perl’s blog and not to mine. Odd, that.
Just as I am a little distressed by your searcher’s lack of understanding of the rules of grammar, I am quite bothered by all of the O’s in my search. Quite. Bothered.
Karen’s last blog post..PROMPTuesday 32
You get all the funny people.
But I had someone (from India) searching on “keys to a strong marriage.” I about spit coffee when I saw that. I think I lost the keys a loooong time back.
ben’s last blog post..just keep swimming
Dude, that’s odd. I totally strangle cats, too. Maybe I’m god? Might need to check into that.
Cat’s last blog post..Ready or Not
Yeah, just wrote about our Christmas stool at my place, bracing for “Christmas Shit,” “nativity dump,” and other festive fecal searches. Maybe I should write about corn.
amanda’s last blog post..Croatians and Bunnies
heehee
ANALytics.
I get weirdos looking for naked grandfather pictures, which is wrong on so many levels.
Mr Farty’s last blog post..Just A Quicky
I have Analytics set up for my blog but have no idea how to find out what people are googling to find me.
To be honest, I’m probably better off not knowing as the two words that appear most often are “anus” and “jesus.”
Jennifer’s last blog post..Why You Gotta Be Like That?
Oh shit! That’s absolutely hilarious. I want to know what I come up under. I do know that many of my AdSense contextual ads are for Robert Goulet memorabilia, but that only makes sense.
Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Punk rock progeny
I couldn’t stop laughing after reading this post. Seriously, could. not. stop.
Marisa’s last blog post..True love is…
“the bean shaped thing in my vagina”
I’m not kidding.
bejewell’s last blog post..More Bizarre Randomness
For some reason I didn’t catch your man’s comment the first time. I kinda love him right now.
shonda’s last blog post..Shameless Self-Promotion Contest….
I love looking at those “searches that brought the strays to your door.” Sometimes, they make sense… sometimes…not.
Like, when I wrote about Sarah Palin and someone from Wasilla just HAPPENED to find my blog because they were trying to figure out whether to spell out numbers under twelve.
Yeah, I believe in coincidence. And the Tooth Fairy (seriously, he lives in San Francisco with Finster, the Fingernail Fairy).
Ok – so I got back my first report from Google Analytics, and guess what my Google hit came from?
I kid you not:
“Why is my bulldog’s butt itchy?”
Mikki’s last blog post..The Traditional Lack of Tradition
My most popular search string is still “batshit crazy ocd schizophrenic” — but sadly, I deserve that one.
Amy’s last blog post..Hump Day Reading for the Restless Soul
” Can we go see him?” because there’s something wrong with me.
Pretty sure I love you now.
JDC