The internet wants me to be a super-fat shut-in, God hates kittens

Today I started a diet and it’s not going well because I’m starving and I used to be really good at anorexia but I’m not anymore and all I can think about is mashed potato sandwiches, so I thought I’d visit some blogs to distract me and then this happened:

 So then I left that comment and this word verification code popped up:

 Awesome.

Also, today someone sent me an email telling me that God strangles a kitten every time I say “awesome” and I was all “There’s no way God has enough time to strangle that many kittens” but then I realized that God could probably multi-task like a mofo and that it’s probably some kind of sin to question his magical kitten-strangling abilities.  Also, I’ve killed a lot of kittens.  Apparently.

PS.  This is my third post in three days.  I am totally awesome drunk.

PPS.  When I go to other people’s blogs theirs is all, “Look!  A bunny!” and mine is all “God strangled your kitten”.  I’m really shocked you people are still here.  I don’t know what it says about the world that this blog is popular but it’s probably a sign of the apocalypse.

Comment of the day: I had a word verification the other day that said “tardo” and I was like, well, kind of. ~ Overflowing Brain

210 thoughts on “The internet wants me to be a super-fat shut-in, God hates kittens

Read comments below or add one.

  1. When I read your blog I feel guilty that my blog is all serious about law and finance and shit like that. But then I remember my twitter account where I’m tweet like I’d had a bottle of wine and share too much information. When people who follow me meet me in real life they are like wow, you are so funny/honest/refreshing – which I know means they think I’m freaking nuts. But still more people keep following me, so what does that mean about society?

    I do get worried that my granddaughter will read my twitter posts and be upset. But then I remember that my granddaughter will be born in like 30 years and then we will be on internet 20.7 and she will be my genes and probably will also be a bit odd. Then I feel better.

    ~ ElizabethPW

    Elizabeth Potts Weinstein’s last blog post..How Much Money Are You Leaving on the Table?

  2. Punishment.

    God wants me to stop cursing and that is why my blog is banned by most workplaces and now apparently in ISRAEL!

    HUZZAH!!!!

    (you have no freaking idea how ironic that is)

    Kelley’s last blog post..Sad.

  3. I’ve noticed that word verification has changed the past few months. Real words are popping up – often looking like they were staged just for the post.

    It’s a conspiracy.

    ps. don’t worry. He’s not strangling any kittens. But be careful that you don’t choke on that mashed potato sandwich. What the heck is that anyway?

    Pamela’s last blog post..Rows

  4. I think you are awesome. And I blog about bunnies. Apocalypse? According to Sir Isaac Newton, should be around 2060. Unless all the kittens get strangled first.

    Amanda Nicole’s last blog post..hi mom!

  5. Oh Jenny, I have nothing to add, so instead, I’ll just kiss your ass. Because why not?

    Anyway, I’m starting a weight loss blog, a really embarrassing one, like PICTURES of my flab and food diaries (and i’ll like, NOT LIE) and I’m totally setting my captcha word to “pringles” to be an even bigger ass kisser.

    Maybe you could write a guest post once I launch? I could return the favor over here. I’d just write “awesome ninja vagina doritos” and no one would ever be the wiser.

    kissy kisses…

    PS- I actually AM drunk. Pinot Noir whole fuckin bottle.

  6. God told me if I came and read your blog today, that’s one less kitten strangled.

    Just doing my part for the sake of a kitten.

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Kate’s last blog post..Happy Hump Day

  7. Definitely a sign of the apocalypse.

    famine, pestilence, lawlessness, people having no love for one another, earthquakes and Jenny the Bloggess’ blog. All signs.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Awesome Giveaways

  8. Diets totally fucking suck, so check out:

    The Diet Cure
    The Mood Cure
    both by Julia Ross, MA
    available at amazon.com, of course

    Also, Elisabeth at As My World Turns has been doing WW and exercising and has already lost 13+ lbs. I am so envious!

    Get 30grams/4oz of protein per 3 meals and, if you have a sweet tooth, you can take L-Glutamine & GTF (Glucose Tolerance Factor) Chromium in capsules 30 minutes before meals and it will cut the craving. Cut white sugar, high fructose corn syrup, pasta, potatoes, rice, and bread, eat your veggies and limit fruits to a small piece a couple of times a day for “dessert” and you will be svelte for Easter (1-1.5 lbs per week loss, no more).

    And, of course, you are fucking hilarious and I’m sorry to hear about your guilt over God’s strangling kittens because of your liberal use of the word “awesome.” Try not to let it weigh you down or increase your donation to the SPCA–whatever it takes.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..“C’est si peu dire que je t’aime…”

  9. Why do you get normal (albeit evil) words like “pringles” and I always get ridiculous words like “snarflehgkfy” – which confuses me and I get flustered and mistype the damn thing, and then I get “wiyfhvfsellisade” and I mistype THAT, and then the system assumes I’m special and I get a word like “boy”.

    Kimmers’s last blog post..Friendship rant

  10. If I had a blog, I’d want the verification wordage to be “bloatation device.” Because that’s what I feel like and it’s funny. Bloatation device, Bloatation device, Bloatation device.
    I’m pretty much as fucked up as you. HEY! You could go for four blog posts in four days – and write all about how awesome I am.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Fern

  11. Should I start to worry when the word verification starts coming up as “devil” and “evil” and “Jen, you’re not alone. Those voices in your head are not your imagination. Everyone IS out to get you..”? I mean, do you know how easy it is to fuck up the spelling when you’re typing it out and then having to do it all over again because you tripped up on “imagination”?

  12. Word verification is a tricky thing. One time I got “bonar” while technically that’s not how you spell boner but that’s the first thing that popped through my head. And yes, I did use the words “boner”
    and “popped through my head”in the same sentence…I think God strangles a puppy everytime I read your blog. 🙂

    gingela5’s last blog post..Maybe It’s A Tumor…

  13. Mostly I’m just really jealous that you a) know how to magically get the word veri picture into your post or b) know how to magically make up the word veri picture and put it in your post.

    Either way…magic.

    Franki’s last blog post..Online Dating

  14. I think your friends have it wrong. It’s that God eats a Pringle every time you write “kitten.” This has led to God being fat and now He has to take up jogging, which is hard without a corporeal form. So He feels your pain.

    Jess’s last blog post..Good Idea

  15. I think God might strangle kittens regardless. Cats are not his best work.

    And I don’t think the whole blogosphere is conspiring to make you fat. It’s probably just one or two people who monitor your every keystroke and plant things like the “pringles” to undermine your confidence so you won’t be able to blog up to standards and therefore lose your technorati rating and audience to the jealous blogger who wants you to fail. And that would not be me, by the way, because I could never think up and execute such an elaborate plan.

    annie’s last blog post..Getting Picked Up Again

  16. well you know… kitten created the internet and they’re out to get you. god is protecting you by strangling them.

    also, what’s up with getting real words? i get sh*t like “voi4598uklero($E*&$JFIVJLSDGKMLSDKFJSODJRFGKJRO” and it takes me four hundred tried and it shuts down on me and i lose the comment and get all distracted. just like that.

    Ericka’s last blog post..Like That’s Going to Stop Me…

  17. I just realized that my comment made me sound like some sort of awesomely sick cat torturing maniac. I just want to clarify: just because I hate cats doesn’t mean I kill them. Can’t speak for my dog though.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Pretty Hate Machine

  18. When I go to other people’s blogs theirs is all, “Look! A bunny!” and mine is all “God strangled your kitten”.

    Hmm, my blog seems to be completely devoid of both bunnies and kitten-throttling deities. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t get any traffic.

    Steve’s last blog post..Lost and Found in Space

  19. I think your blog is waaaaaaay more awesome than kittens. And pringles suck…. now when it says “frenchfries” or “bacon” THEN you will be in serious trouble.

  20. Damn, I don’t know what is funnier, the post or the comments; but I’m literally laughing out freakin’ loud (well, quietly so I don’t wake the rest of the house). I’ve typed ‘lol’ before, but I don’t know that I was actually doing it before.

    Praise Pringles & AWESOME all around.

    JustanotherSAHM’s last blog post..Christmas Giveaway @ 5MinutesforMom

  21. Ok, So God does not do all the dirty work himself, he leaves it up to the animal shelters to do his strangling for him. So by that account you have probably said awesome about 1000 times today. Yes I am sick that way, but I can speak blasphemously since I have five fucking cats too. They are like a tasty Pringles potato chip, you can’t have just one. Now back to my yummy peanut butter cup for dessert.

    PS I like having a place where I can swear once in a while. Thanks!!!

    Julia’s last blog post..How to Hatch a Tree

  22. I’m totally ok with strangling kittens. Because they grow up to be cats and cats love porn, which is the reason we are headed to the apocolypse. Your blog is bringing it all full circle.

    Now please tell me the secret code word for killing raccoons. Seriously. I need it. They’re after me.

    Chrystal’s last blog post..3 Interesting Tidbits

  23. I can’t even focus on all the dead kittens… I just want a sandwich so bad I think I’m starting to hallucinate.

    I should probably just go to bed now, stomach rumbling like a starving orphan under a box in an alley, though I am if anything overfed. And my apartment is at least slightly nicer than a box.

    But now thanks to you, I’d trade it all in a heartbeat for some fucking Pringles. Oh man…

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Indisputable facts, Vol. 2

  24. the only time I say “look, a bunny” is when I want rabbit stew. What can I say, I live in France now.

    Fortunately, we narrowly averted the apocalypse on November 4th. Sure its still one hellish moment after the other. but no Armageddon. phew. pass me the pringles.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..eat my cake.

  25. Don’t call it a diet…call it a Cardiovascular Health Program, and you’ll feel much better about it. Phffft.

    My daughter, The Kitten, is still alive, so I think you’re awesome.

    Catazon’s last blog post..Even Exchange?

  26. If I were to strangle a cat, in front of God would he be like “awesome!” or would I be punished? Not that I’d ever get that chance (seeing as I’m going to hell for eating squid potato sandwiches with a side of pringles), I was just curious.

    Best captcha I saw was “focking”. Way to go interwebs!

    Ben’s last blog post..Better

  27. God has a problem. I mean, he/she might claim that it’s your saying of “awesome” that causes the kitten strangling, but it’s really just a choice he/she made. It didn’t have to be that way.

    And don’t even get me started on this whole “hell” thing.

    This is why I don’t believe in god. It’s because of all the strangled kittens. (Which, of course, makes it all your fault. Thanks for the damnation and such.)

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

  28. I have noticed that word verification has been doing funny things lately. Frangria came up and a friend and I were trying to figure out what a French sangria would be made of.

    mmmmm…… Pringles. I don’t think the internet wants me fat though. A pity that I have nothing to blame that on.

    Mrs C’s last blog post..The Vagina Dialogues

  29. You’ve found your niche market in blog readers. Those of us who find God strangling kittens to be funny. Since you’re the only blog that offers that, where else would we go?

    Also – dieting the week before Thanksgiving? You obviously are drunk.

  30. My daughter kills small animals. I like to read about other people that also kill animals to know that my daughter is not the cruelest person in the world.

    Really. We’ve had three chinchillas, 2 rabbits, 1 hamster, and 1 cat die in my daughter’s care. I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, but she’s only 14 and isn’t that a lot of animals to die in your care?

    Kylie’s last blog post..The Wisdom of Children

  31. If the popularity of your blog is a sign of the Apocalypse I say, BRING IT ON!

    You’re one funny and awesome (damn…there goes another one) chick.

  32. Obviously, the internet wants you to be fat AND terrified. Awesome Awesome Awesome (if you read it does it still count as kitten murder? Awesome)

  33. If only I got such intelligible words from those friggin word verification things! I almost avoid blogs with those because I inevitable end up spending 10 minutes longer there, just trying to get the damn word right and wondering if it’s a “u” or is it a “v”! Oiy!

    And if God strangles a kitten everytime I say the word “awesome”, then when I get there and present my case for entrance through the pearly gates, there’s gonna be a oil tanker full of dead kittens just waiting for me!

    Auds’s last blog post..Laughter – Thankful Thursdays

  34. I giggled a lot this blog. It may be because you’re funny. I may have been touching myself, but only I know which one’s true or not! lol

  35. You shouldn’t spend too much time wondering why your blog is popular. I don’t think you blog is like “Hannah Montana” popular. I think it’s like that “Faces of Death” video I saw in high school.

  36. I am so glad I found your blog. I make audible snickering noises that I cannot contain. It is purely “awesome”! Thanks for being so full of snark. Let me make sure our stock of beer and snacks is good at the house and then … let the apocalypse hit.

    prettyneato’s last blog post..It’s ALIVE!

  37. Word Verifications hates me as well… a while back my word was “uckfu.” Now I am not bilingual, but I don’t think that was very nice.

    Today I just got “colic” which isn’t funny except that I have a two week old.

    Kyle Ray’s last blog post..Baby Booter Blog

  38. Life is funny in a twisted sort of way. I seem to always get f’d up word verifications. Sometimes they are in English and other times they’re in some OTHER language. I think it all comes back to Big Brother .. they’re watching us through our monitors now you know. I saw a secret message on Twitter that confirmed it.

  39. Are you pregnant?

    I mean, if you’re craving pringles with squid on them. All signs point to yes. Either that, or you’re some sort of culinary genious!

    Ok, maybe an idiot savant.

    JachiCue’s last blog post..Whaa?

  40. I think Chuck only kills a kitten if YOU say awesome. So next time, just put a tweet out and all of your followers will shout “AWESOME” at the same time and it will be totally awesome. I wonder how many other times I can saw awesome in this comment.

    Ruby Soho’s last blog post..I just don’t have any answers.

  41. Yeah, when I start my diet site, the confirmation words are going to be encouraging, like “thighs” and “floppy underarms” and “more chins than the Hong Kong phone book”.

  42. Listen up, God/the Universe does not want you to be fat… YOU do. And until you keep sending out all these fat messages you are gonna be a beached whale, sister.

    I also suggest you dump all your fat friends and only hang out with skinny B’s like me and my friends. It’s good insurance. Good luck finding some skinny friends though. We don’t want to catch your fat!

    Queen B’s last blog post..Amberleigh’s Pageant Wear

  43. I haven’t gotten a real word in a long time. I make up words with the letters though. I may need to find a life.

    I’ve been told that I overuse the word Dude and every time I do, a kitty dies. But dude, really? I just don’t believe that shit. If it were true, it’d be raining dead kittens.

    Issa’s last blog post..Thanksgiving food post…..take one

  44. What is UP with Blogger making the word verification thingys be real words. Once day they stopped being nonsense, and started using real crap…

    I’m not sure which is worse.

    AwesomeAwesomeAwesomeAwesome
    AwesomeAwesomeAwesomeAwesome
    I’m evil.

    Eternal Sunshine’s last blog post..When it rains…

  45. I’m already on a diet so I pretty much cleared all the good stuff out of the house, but I swear I can hear the bag of sugar calling to me because during my worst of times, I have been known to add sugar to just about anything, or even, dare I say, lick my finger and dip it into the bag a few (or dozens of) times.

    clickmom’s last blog post..what’s funny?

  46. I would strangle kittens if it meant I could eat all the macaroni & cheese I want and not be fat. And I don’t think God would be made at me for feeling that way.

    Unless he thought I was robbing him of his own kitten killings.

  47. everytime you masterbate, god kills a puppy.

    So, if you masterbate and scream awesome, you could totally kill the two pet species.

    Awesooommme.

  48. God obviously orchestrated the appearance of those verification codes to mess with your head and give you material for a blog post. (Because He loves you, Jenny, and likes to read your stuff.) But clearly he’s having a difficult time figuring out how to create plastic lids that stay on those pregnant Pringles cans.

  49. I don’t believe the dead kittens idea. Because between you and me, at least, there would be no kittens left anywhere.
    Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

  50. Is it bad that your mashed potato sandwich kicked off a craving for pierogi pizza–a food I’ve never tasted but have heard praised so much that it’s now mythical. Like manna or something.

    Sorry. This isn’t helping with your anorexia diet, is it?

    Jaci’s last blog post..So What Tail Would You Pick?

  51. I was gonna diet, but then I didn’t. Oh well…

    I’m trying to get started blogging, but I can’t decide how much is TMI. I think I will just go for it because of some of it is FUNNY.

    How many kittens are left?

    Effie Zuella’s last blog post..Hi…I’m New

  52. Dude. I thought God killed a kitten every time you masturbated. (Not you specifically. We. The ROYAL we.)

    I had no idea they were also dropping off because of awesomeness. Son of a bitch. The little things never had a chance.

  53. I thought God strangled kittens when you masturbated. If that’s not the case, then I need to hit CostCo for a jumbo pack of batteries.

  54. Pringles and squid do NOT go together.

    I might’ve mentioned that before but I’m too lazy to go back and check. Sorry.

    (I’m not really sorry, but it seemed rude to acknowledge that I might be repeating myself without, you know, apologizing for it.)

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..More random shots from the week

  55. This site is awesome. Not to mention the bloggess is awesome. This post is one of the most awesome posts ever. 156 comments so far (at this time), pretty awesome. It is awesome that this many people “care” about kittens getting strangled.

    Ok – hopefully I just took care of all the cats that would be shitting in my flower beds in the future. F-U KITTENS!

    James’s last blog post..DIY = Death Induced by Yourself

  56. maybe the reason your blog is so popular with us “normal” bunny loving folks is because reading your blog is like rubber necking a car accident. You just have to watch the destruction and horror.
    lol.

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Barf Inducing

  57. You can come over to may blog there’s no “Look! A bunny!” or “Pet the itty bitty cutesy kitty!” there. You’ll find “Hey the vet stuck a cat’s muzzle that looks like a fishbowl on my dog’s head which the dog thinks is kinda cool and while he’s playing Spaceman Spiff the vet shaves the dog’s hoo-ha shaved and then the dog gets all pissed off and fogs up his cat space helmet beause he wants to bite all of our faces off but he can’t because that’s why the vet velcroed a bowl on the dog’s head. In the name of love.”

    Awsome.

  58. Why oh why do women diet? Do you not know we want you plump and juicy? We do. Except for some guys who get all their ideas from the same women’s magazines dieters do and don’t know what’s good.

    Eat, eat. You’re like a twig over there.

  59. you know what would be great? a mashed potato sandwich with pringles and squid inside. it would be like a we’re mushy party in your mouth.

  60. OMG, I thought I was the only one with issues with the word verification thing. Don’t ever ever click on the wheelchair thing…it does awful things and probably strangles something.

    Speaking of that my weird cousin sent an email referencing someone by the name of Dr. Sheets that said God had made a mistake by allowing Obama to be elected. I was thunderdstuck that first of all there was someone named Dr. Sheets, other than some idiot in the klan, and to have the hubris to suggest the Almighty Diety could possibly make a mistake was totally mindbogling to me. I’m going to google that guy’s name and check on his credentials. Ha! I was pretty thunderstruck that these people are actually related to me. We have been not on close terms for all our lives. I know why now.

    AmberStar’s last blog post..What this yarn wants

  61. That is awesome.

    I was in a fight with my husband a few weeks ago and I had a word verification present me with the word “wrong.” Of course, it was talking to my husband through my computer screen. Freaked me out though.

    Scary Mommy’s last blog post..Ben, Meet Nutella

  62. I love your blog and you are dead on about how dieting feels. Why is it once you go on a diet you start wanting wierd things like mashed potatoe sandwiches? The last time I went on one it was canned chili. Ugh!

  63. I just read this on the recommendation of a friend…i have no idea how these blog thingys work…but is a coincidence that there is now a pringles advertisement to the left of this story? hmm

  64. Well, it looks like the next verification word is squid, which I found particularly painful since sushi has been haunting my dreams and I can’t fucking sleep or be satisfied with any other food but I live in western Oklahoma where we are long on cows and short on sushi so I just have to be fucking miserable.

    shonda’s last blog post..Dear Axl, Dreads Ain’t For Gingers

  65. I saw this banner at my daughter’s school. It said “Whatever it Takes” Now that is some motivation for your ass!

  66. Oh, craptastic! I don’t know if it’s the cold meds or the fact that I’ve been online for like 7 hours straight, but this post nearly killed me. I am not even kidding.

    Hy husband – a pastor – describes himself as “the awesome” all the time. Talk about a conflict of interest! I can just hear God up there when he hears his prayers… “You want me to do WHAT? After all those kittens I had to strangle because of you?”

    Yeah.
    Good times.

    Mikki’s last blog post..The Sun is Shining

  67. My husband hates cats, so I don’t think he would mind; except for strangling them does seem kind of mean. I say awesome a lot too…

    Yeah, the internet makes me fat too, that is my new excuse. 😀

    Amber’s last blog post..Small Fry Giveaway

  68. Well, you were pretty funny until my cat REALLY vanished! What’d you do with my cat biotch!! Seriously, we haven’t seen him since Thursday. If you hadn’t said “awesome” that ONE time he might still be alive. Of course, he completely detests our dog also, so this might (I said MIGHT, but you are still our prime suspect, naturally) have something to do with it. So uh, yeah.

    david’s last blog post..Shows This Week

  69. All I wanted to do was avoid my last half hour of work reading this blog…now I have this intense urge to eat squid flavored pringles while strangling kittens…Awesome

    *Sadly this urge cannot be satisfied…while there is an abundance of kittens at my disposal, squid flavored pringles have yet to be invented…it just won’t be the same without them 🙁

  70. Like to add that god does strangle kittens. Someone has to do it.

    Can’t believe I’ve missed out on this witty bloggity blog! Awesome fun! Here via Kyla.

  71. My cat just starting shitting on my daughters “favorite” stuffed animals…awesome!

    What do I get to say about my 11 year old dog who can’t hold her bowels?

    Btw, I’m about to change my blog to ellenmental.com…seems suitable since your blog is now my FAVORITE one to read, like I need more SHINY things to keep my adhd brain from tracking ANYTHING!

    zaellen’s last blog post..Treehouse Point Thanksgiving

  72. Damn, I thought God kills kittens when you masturbate. Here I have been trying so hard to control the cat population single handedly!
    Awesome, just fucking awesome.

    And if God didn’t want us all to be super fat shut-ins he wouldn’t have invented the internet and take-out.

    ben’s last blog post..alberta bound and gagged

  73. I’m always really amused by the word verifications that come up. Half the time the sound exactly like vomiting, which is usually pretty on point.

    Also? If saying “awesome” kills kittens, I’ve killed about a million. Which sucks, because kittens are awesome.

    Shit.

    Sarah Booz’s last blog post..Poor Kids

  74. I’m reading this at work and it is really quiet and I am trying my hardest not to laugh but failing miserably at it, and I’m pretty sure everyone is completely freaked out because I keep making these word mm-uh huh huh noises in my attempt not to laugh. And pepsi just came out my nose a little, because I thought drinking something would help me to not laugh, but it was a total and utter fail.

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