I was at a party tonight and I was talking to my friend Marc Nathan (who I called Nathan Marc for like a year because he has two first names and also because I only see him when I’ve been drinking) and he mentioned that he was supposed to be at a funeral but bailed and I’m all “Who has a funeral at 8 o’clock at night?” and he said that it was actually the viewing except he couldn’t think of the word for the viewing so I was all “O-o-oh, the dead guy display.” And then I starting talking about how I bet some of the people who do the dead guy displays are real designers just like the people who do window displays except the corpse displayers never get to break out of the box and I wonder if there’s like a totally chic corpse displayer who is all “You know what this dead guy needs? Some fucking glitter. And some tinsel and the words ‘Bad Ass’ in graffiti font on his coffin.” And then he’d snap his fingers and be all “Work it, girl! This dead bitch is fierce!” Also I think the corpse designer’s gay. In my head. And then I was all “Oh fuck, Marc. I’m sorry. I’m going on about corpse displays and your friend is dead.” and there was this awkward pause and I decided to fill it with ” Can we go see him?” because there’s something wrong with me. And then Marc was all “My grandfather?!” and I’m all “Holy shit! Your grampa is dead?! Oh my God, I suck.” but then he said he was just kidding and that the funeral was actually for the guy who invented the weed wacker. True story. Then later I told someone else that they should pour honey all over dead people because it’s pretty and it’s a good preservative and then she was all “And everyone could take home a jar of corpse honey as a souvenir”. It was pretty much the best party ever.
PS. I’d like to apologize to everyone at that party. Especially to the guy who asked “You know the very best way to watch football?” and I’m all “To have the whole stadium demolished and then afterward they firebomb it and bulldoze the ashes and then they never, ever rebuild it?” That was mostly uncalled for.
Long-ass Comment of the day: So I really feel like I have to set the record straight on this one:
First of all, I started the conversation by saying, “You must really be comfortable, since you’re not wearing your wig” and she says “I didn’t have time to go home and pick it up”. Now this embarrasses me for two reasons 1) I basically just asked Bruce Wayne where his Batman mask was – essentially outing Jenny as her alter ego @thebloggess and 2) because I made her laugh during the speech part of the party last night.
On a down note, the gentleman who passed away was Spencer Stone, a truly great man – a philanthropist and investor who I met earlier this year. He was not the inventor of the Weed Wacker, but the VP of marketing for Weed Eater who made it a household name. He was an overall awesome person in every way – with enough of a sense of humor that I hope he doesn’t haunt me (with any part of his anatomy) for not attending his corpse display.
This is just a sample of some of the topics of our conversation:
Jenny: “Can we all go see the body?”
Marc (Nathan): “No”
J: “I read this book that my sister told me not to read about necrophilia, it’s gross but I couldn’t put it down”
M: “um, OK.”
J: “My husband is real, not just some dry, made up fictional character who is out to foil my plots and squash my dreams even though it might sound that way”
M: “He must be so happy to hear that”
J: “Child rape – not cool”
M: “No kidding”
M: “Childrens Charities are a big waste – even though the event was sponsored by a really good childrens charity”
J: “My child is in a closet right now, but she’s safe since she’s with the cat”
These things were actually said, out loud and in public with witnesses, but not once did it get awkward or weird. You should also know that I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach towards the end of the conversation when I noticed the ‘I’m totally going to blog this gleam’ in Jenny’s eye. That’s why it’s taken me so long to respond to this post because my hand was shaking with trepidation to click on the link. It’s nice to know that while I may have been shocked today, I certainly wasn’t disappointed. Lastly, ‘Corpse Honey’ will be my first pick if I ever have to name a Scandinavian Death Metal Band, a Roller Derby Girl Nickname, or a pony. ~ Marc Nathan (aka Nathan Marc)