Why I shouldn’t drink or go to parties or be allowed to talk to normal people

I was at a party tonight and I was talking to my friend Marc Nathan (who I called Nathan Marc for like a year because he has two first names and also because I only see him when I’ve been drinking) and he mentioned that he was supposed to be at a funeral but bailed and I’m all “Who has a funeral at 8 o’clock at night?” and he said that it was actually the viewing except he couldn’t think of the word for the viewing so I was all “O-o-oh, the dead guy display.”  And then I starting talking about how I bet some of the people who do the dead guy displays are real designers just like the people who do window displays except the corpse displayers never get to break out of the box and I wonder if there’s like a totally chic corpse displayer who is all “You know what this dead guy needs?  Some fucking glitter.  And some tinsel and the words ‘Bad Ass’ in graffiti font on his coffin.” And then he’d snap his fingers and be all “Work it, girl!  This dead bitch is fierce!”  Also I think the corpse designer’s gay.  In my head.  And then I was all “Oh fuck, Marc.  I’m sorry.  I’m going on about corpse displays and your friend is dead.” and there was this awkward pause and I decided to fill it with ” Can we go see him?” because there’s something wrong with me.  And then Marc was all “My grandfather?!” and I’m all “Holy shit!  Your grampa is dead?!  Oh my God, I suck.” but then he said he was just kidding and that the funeral was actually for the guy who invented the weed wacker. True story.  Then later I told someone else that they should pour honey all over dead people because it’s pretty and it’s a good preservative and then she was all “And everyone could take home a jar of corpse honey as a souvenir”.  It was pretty much the best party ever.

PS. I’d like to apologize to everyone at that party.  Especially to the guy who asked “You know the very best way to watch football?” and I’m all “To have the whole stadium demolished and then afterward they firebomb it and bulldoze the ashes and then they never, ever rebuild it?”  That was mostly uncalled for. 

Long-ass Comment of the day: So I really feel like I have to set the record straight on this one:

First of all, I started the conversation by saying, “You must really be comfortable, since you’re not wearing your wig” and she says “I didn’t have time to go home and pick it up”. Now this embarrasses me for two reasons 1) I basically just asked Bruce Wayne where his Batman mask was – essentially outing Jenny as her alter ego @thebloggess and 2) because I made her laugh during the speech part of the party last night.

On a down note, the gentleman who passed away was Spencer Stone, a truly great man – a philanthropist and investor who I met earlier this year.  He was not the inventor of the Weed Wacker, but the VP of marketing for Weed Eater who made it a household name. He was an overall awesome person in every way – with enough of a sense of humor that I hope he doesn’t haunt me (with any part of his anatomy) for not attending his corpse display.

This is just a sample of some of the topics of our conversation:

Jenny: “Can we all go see the body?”
Marc (Nathan): “No”

J: “I read this book that my sister told me not to read about necrophilia, it’s gross but I couldn’t put it down”
M: “um, OK.”

J: “My husband is real, not just some dry, made up fictional character who is out to foil my plots and squash my dreams even though it might sound that way”
M: “He must be so happy to hear that”

J: “Child rape – not cool”
M: “No kidding”

M: “Childrens Charities are a big waste – even though the event was sponsored by a really good childrens charity”
J: “My child is in a closet right now, but she’s safe since she’s with the cat”

These things were actually said, out loud and in public with witnesses, but not once did it get awkward or weird. You should also know that I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach towards the end of the conversation when I noticed the ‘I’m totally going to blog this gleam’ in Jenny’s eye. That’s why it’s taken me so long to respond to this post because my hand was shaking with trepidation to click on the link. It’s nice to know that while I may have been shocked today, I certainly wasn’t disappointed.  Lastly, ‘Corpse Honey’ will be my first pick if I ever have to name a Scandinavian Death Metal Band, a Roller Derby Girl Nickname, or a pony.  ~ Marc Nathan (aka Nathan Marc)

161 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Damn, I can’t believe your husband lets you out of the house anymore.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Their Secret Plot to take over the World

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  2. Well, at least you say interesting things. When I start drinking I just get mean.

    Annika’s last blog post..Tens

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  3. You just had to go rub it in and make me doubly sorry I had to miss the party, didn’t you?

    Like

  4. I knew you should have come to my Halloween party.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Five questions from Avitable

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  5. OMG – I don’t know what I want more…To BE the crazy dead-guy-display designer or just to stalk him! I could be his first groupie!

    I, uh, could go without the Corpse Honey though…thanks anyway :).

    Kendra’s last blog post..Admission – Its Time

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  6. You are so silly! Your comedy never ceases to amaze me. Hilarious. And I love the idea of tinsel. On a dead guy. Work it!

    Renée aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..Word(less)ful Wednesday

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  7. A party is not a party until someone has referenced “dead guy” and “honey” in the same sentence. Don’t act like you don’t know…

    Gwen Bell’s last blog post..Links for 2008-11-24 [del.icio.us]

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  8. I’m going to tell my husband to spend all of my life insurance money on a corpse designer when I’m dead, cause bitch I’m the shit!

    Like

  9. Dude, corpse honey. I am totally putting that in my will. You want my stuff? Get ready for a big ol’ jar of CORPSE HONEY.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..And Now, I Am Blonde. VERY BLONDE.

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  10. I wonder what kind of google searches this one will bring in. I would like to hear the results if possible!

    Sal’s last blog post..Multitasking Sucks!

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  11. this one time at band camp i read the bloggess and it changed my life

    Like

  12. I’m buying my BlogHer ticket 60% to meet fun people and have a good time and 32% to get the fark out of FL and 8% to witness the Bloggess freak show. I can’t wait!

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Ya’ll Are NOT Funny!

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  13. That last part was uncalled for? Personally, I don’t think you went far enough. But then again, the last time I was invited to a party, I was working for the caterer.

    Jody Reale’s last blog post..Now You’re Voting With Gas

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  14. I looked all over for “Dead Dude Honey”… I think you can corner.. (coroner) the market, if you act quickly.

    Like

  15. My husband has declared that when he dies, he wants a U-Haul rented and pulled behind the hearse and that he’ll haunt me forever if I don’t comply.

    I kind of want to NOT do it just to mess with him. But part of me is scared of the idea of ghost penis; the other part of me is intrigued.

    Dory’s last blog post..How many damn times can I say the word “Comment” in one post?*

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  16. dude.. i want to go to the parties you go to.. can i be your date?? they’d totally let us in.. everyone likes chicks with chicks, right??

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..10 Things Tuesday

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  17. dead guy honey…

    sweetener to die for

    amyz5’s last blog post..Spam Spam Spam, Wonderful Spam

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  18. I bet you could make grrrreat ladyfingers with corpse honey.

    Okay, that was dumb, even for me.

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  19. Yep. You should be locked up. Or just come to my parties.

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..The Bloscars (Blog Awards Extravaganza!) – Part 2

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  20. This reminds me of the song “Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox If I Die” which reminds me of my husband’s version of the song “Dress Me Up in Women’s Clothing If I Die.” He may have been trying to be funny, but I’m totally going to do it. Hope he likes chiffon.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..food coma

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  21. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of football.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..Gratitude

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  22. I could completely see the funeral guys from the Stephanie Plum novels using glitter. Janet Evanovich should work that into the next book.

    Honey is good for zits, too. Maybe it would help smooth out some of the dead wrinkles. Might attract flies, though…Not good.

    Jamie Simmerman’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Dad

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  23. Holy crap. I thought the post was too damn good, but “ghost penis”?! I am screwed for sleeping tonight…

    elfini’s last blog post..Equal Time rule

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  24. You know what else the dead guy needs? Strings of white christmas lights and that spray snow.

    Vanessa’s last blog post..The Nightmare Before MacWorld

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  25. Watch. Marc Nathan is going to help get a corpse design company off the ground (those financial people need a distraction these days). You keep an eye on that one.

    “Corpse honey” is right up there with cooking with semen. Thanks for the image.

    mrtl’s last blog post..The first picture? Total coincidence. I’m just saying.

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  26. I bet you could sell the “Corpse Honey” to all those skeletons and zombies that are on fire. they would be like toasted marshmallows…only flesh. it would be like a totally weird yet glorious s’more

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  27. I was getting set for sleep and the ghost penis thing stopped me dead in my tracks. I’ve been wondering about these goofy girls who just love the hell out of vampire dudes and what about that dead ice cold penis. Ugh. I just think they read Beauty and The Beast way too many times.

    Oh yes…you did great at the party. You were totally in control of yourself. Why not corpse honey and demolishing sports stadiums is ok with me.

    AmberStar’s last blog post..These are the days of our lives

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  28. Sweetie, I would totally go to a party with you.

    Cause then I can finally be the one who doesn’t do the dead guy jokes.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Conversations with my boy.

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  29. I don’t understand the “viewing” tradition, or the want of an open casket, even. When I die, I don’t want people looking at me. I don’t like it when I’m alive.

    Unless maybe I was dressed in a funny teeshirt. “I’m With Stupid” or “I (heart) midget porn.

    Like

  30. Dude ghost penis is a real thing. Don’t you watch Grey’s Anatomy? How else could Izzie have an orgasm when she sleeps with her dead fiance? If it’s on TV, then it has to be true.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..New Shoes

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  31. 32
    Alonso Quijana

    While I’m behind you 100% on the football thing, I don’t think you’re actually allowed to live in Texas and hold such an attitude … I’m just sayin’

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  32. Let’s face it, you’re the “IT” girl and everyone wants you to attend their party. Probably even the dead guy would have wanted you to attend his viewing and funeral!

    Like

  33. Psh. Embalmers are typically Republican, not Christian Siriano. Haven’t you ever seen Six Feet Under?

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  34. On the Mom2Summit Flickr page, why is your photo the tiniest one? It is almost midget-sized. Are you lacking self-confidence compared to the other speakers? Send in a big photo. I mean… really large. Twice as large as any of the other speaker photos. Like a life size photo, that would take a half hour to download. That would be impressive.

    Neil’s last blog post..Thank Your First Commenter Day, Year Four

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  35. Graffiti, glitter and corpse designers. I’m loving this. I’d be much more likely to attend a few viewings if the corpse were dressed in something y’all wouldn’t be caught dead in. Imagine, you could be wearing anything you damn well chose and you KNOW they can’t speak ill of you… And, in closing of the last will and testament, the deceased requests that she be laid to rest in that gold lamé tube top, black suede mini and thigh high leopard boots with the 6″ heels. I mean it’s not like you gotta try and walk anywhere in them.

    Like

  36. I went right from corpse honey to zombies to BRAIIIINS and well now I am little worried about the chip they are going to put in my brain when I am dead to reanimate me so I can destroy football fields?

    I think I need to drink.

    Anyabeth’s last blog post..Small Scare

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  37. I wish this stuff happened to me… Tonight all that happened was some dude from Nashville Star and I sang at karaoke.

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  38. Do you think they could build a corpse design and display studio where the demolished football stadium used to be? ‘Cause that would totally rock!

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..A petri dish of principle

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  39. I totally concur with your assessment of football.

    But Corpse Honey seems like some type of lube for people who fetishisize over dead people – does that have name? Anyhoo – I guess the ghost penis could use it.

    deidre’s last blog post..You Got Here How?

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  40. Freakin’ awesome post. Corpse Honey hopefully will be a new flavor of Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale.

    Like

  41. I hate it when I read your post and I’m just so in love with you that all I want to write is I LOVE YOU.

    I suspect this post may have been written under the influence, much like this comment. I love vodka. And you. Merry fucking Christmas, bitches.

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  42. Corpse Honey, awesome band name. And I agree with your football views.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Entourage

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  43. I hope I get the glitter guy someday.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Too Broke For Christmas Giveaway

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  44. Oh my. Why oh why do I never get invited to such great parties as you?? I thought I was pretty cool. But not cool enough. And when I die, I totally want “badass” in glitter on my coffin. Or “Dead Bitch is Fierce” and do you think we can request a gay funeral guy? That would be the shit.

    Dana’s last blog post..Sleep is Overrated

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  45. That must have been some mojito. What exactly were you drinking?

    Wanda’s last blog post..Shutter Sisters: The Love of Family

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  46. My husband says move over jesus baseball cards* hello jar of corpse honey, cause my cheerios need a little something extra in the morning.

    (the little card notices at Catholic funerals)

    jessica mommynightowl’s last blog post..Blog party day 9

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  47. The only bad part to this whole story, as far as I can gather, is that I was not there to witness it, and keep refilling your glass. Drunken awkwardness and conversational mishaps FTW!

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  48. Dude. The best way to watch football? AWESOME! And I don’t think it was at all uncalled for.

    An aside, have you seen that episode of My Name is Earl where the funeral home director does weird things with the corpses. Not THAT kind of weird. I mean, he, um dressed them up and poses them like they’re alive.

    Yeah, it’s not getting better.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Seasonal Ambiguous Disorder – Updated

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  49. Oh heavens. I’m inviting you to my next party. Screw panty-less Paris. Having you around will make the party 🙂

    Love you!
    Happy Thanksgiving.

    veep veep’s last blog post..Circle Circle Dot Dot

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  50. PLEASE come to my viewing. Sorry I don’t know when it’s going to be, but hopefully not anytime soon.

    Unless our fucking internet goes out again, then I might as well give up.

    RhodesTer’s last blog post..The Holy Booger

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  51. Once again you have proved why you are my favorite blog to read. Also did you intentionally write “except the corpse displayers never get to break out of the box”? Pun intended or not, that shit was funny. The whole time you were talking about the designer guy I just kept thinking of Christian from Project Runway. Maybe they’ll do a Project Casket or a Top Designer: Corpses!

    By the way, this sounded pretty much like my string of drunk posts I did. Keep’em comin.

    Ben’s last blog post..Oh Sarah….

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  52. I’m sick I wasn’t able to go to this party. SICK.

    Instead I’m in England, as cold and wet as a dog’s nose. Yippee!

    Can’t wait to hear all about it in person. Shall we get drunk sometime soon?

    Chookooloonks’s last blog post..the cotswalds

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  53. Jenny, you need to start talking to a TV producer, like, now before someone steals your idea. A reality show about designer funerals? That’s cable TV gold. I mean, everything on there’s all designer this or dead people that anyway.

    I’m thinking “It’s Your Funeral”, “Queer Eye for the Dead Guy”, “Pimp my Hearse”, “Trading Graves”, “Project Gravesite”, “Iron Undertaker”… Something… Definitely not “Flip this Coffin”. That’s just weird.

    Oh, wait! How about “I Wouldn’t be Caught Dead in That”?

    Steve’s last blog post..Another RepRap Milestone

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  54. Dead hobo fingers too unappetizing? Just dip them in tasty corpse honey. You know it makes sense.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Just A Quicky

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  55. i love that you can speak American Gay. even gay guys i know can’t speak American Gay. i think it needs to be offered as a foreign language in school. I’m pretty sure it’s on the endangered language list.

    you’re muy fantabulosa

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  56. last night I was also at a party and I met this old guy who totally wanted to be my sugar daddy. He kept buying me drinks and I think he got all pissed because he was trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me but he underestimated how well I could hold my liquor. Take that old man!

    I’m Jo. And I’m awesome.’s last blog post..oops.

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  57. I don’t know, I thought your football stadium comment was right on the ticket. And I think I love you.

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  58. Okay, never eating honey again. Thanks.

    Cara’s last blog post..Hoity Toity

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  59. You went to a party with BB King? I’d have led off with that instead of sticking it in a postscript but you don’t tell me how to do my job so cest la vie.

    xoxo, SG

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  60. Ooooh! That’s my favorite way to watch football too!!!!! (except when it’s my cousin and then of course I love to watch it all normal like on TV).

    Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..If I Had An Ice Pick

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  61. Just the mere visual of some gay stylist sprinkling glitter on a corpse is hilarious to me for some reason. Hell, I laugh at most random “glitter” references. The shit just sounds funny when you say it LOL

    ListenToLeon’s last blog post..More Black Dynamite!

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  62. The death ritual I want is so simple but probably not legal. I don’t want to be dressed up and propped up and I don’t want people to pretend I’m still alive and come visit me. I want to be stripped bare and put directly into a hole the dirt somewhere. No coffin, no chemicals, no stupid suit, no concrete vault. Just cover me with dirt and let me turn into dirt. That’s what I want.

    Either that or fill me with helium and use me in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, then let me float away.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

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  63. Well, I guess it’s better that he chose to go to a party and eat there. Us Jews have to sit Shiva with the body for a few days and eat in the SAME HOUSE. I always feel the need to ask if we should get him something. You know, keep his strength up. (Dude, again, lucky I’m Jewish. If we believed in Hell, this comment would have been my first class ticket.)

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..The Bananas Are Sleeping

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  64. I think that is totally the best way to watch football. But if we could get some of those football players naked and pour honey all over them.. that would so totally rock. I hope my funeral planner guy is fabulously gay, just to freak my hillbilly relatives the eff out.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Louise Sticks Her Foot In It and More Drunken Chicklet

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  65. OK, OK, forget what I said up there. This is perfect: “Drop Dead Gorgeous”. I can just see the opening credits now…

    Start with a fashion runway, camera flashes all over the place, intense thumping electropop that’s just barely recognizable as a funeral dirge. The designers come strutting up the runway, carrying a coffin. They’re all decked out in Goth gear. Not cheap stuff, though. Like, serious haute morture. Imagine Gwen Stefani attending Dracula’s funeral wearing a Jean Paul Gautier and you’d be close.

    They get to the end of the runway, and strike a pose, just as the word “DROP” drops down from the top of the screen, landing with an earthquake shudder, accompanied by a syntho-trumpet blast. Everybody shifts their pose and same effect for “DEAD”. And one more time with “GOPGEOUS”.

    Then, just as everyone’s going “WTF? They spelled ‘gorgeous’ wrong”, a shovel comes in from the upper left (shhnk) to complete the R.

    Yeah, I know, everyone’s going to be all “This is sick. Shouldn’t be allowed on TV. Kids could be watching.” But they’ll all wait until the commercial break to run and grab their family-size bag of Cheetos and a Diet Coke. And they’ll keep tuning in week after week to see if Carleé tries to pass off Funyuns spray-painted black as “mini wreaths” again.

    Steve’s last blog post..Another RepRap Milestone

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  66. You’re so invited to what ever party I go to next.

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  67. I always look like I’m trying to dislodge water from my ears when i read your blog.

    amanda’s last blog post..Croatians and Bunnies

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  68. Oh Jenny, where have you been all my life!? Well, not really all my life, but just my partying years..where were you? We could have filled each other’s awkward pauses and neither would ever have had that drunk blurter’s remorse – because we could have comforted ourselves with that inappropriate thing the other had said..sigh, such a shame.

    that girl’s last blog post..I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sor-…

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  69. Methinks that the guy who invented the weed wacker probably had some serious cash, and the snackies at the dead guy display were probably better than whatever you had at your party!

    Also, corpse honey might be a good idea. When The Boy (aka my son) worked in the bio lab in college, he brought home “corpse juice” and gave some little jars of it to his friends. (Yes, we are a very strange family) Would have been more useful if there’d been honey involved, though I’m not sure what those uses would be.

    Lori’s last blog post..Book Snob

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  70. All I’m picturing is everyone sitting quietly and calmly at this viewing and then BAM! Rip Taylor runs through with his bag of confetti yelling totally inappropriate crap. You know he hasn’t been around lately so I bet that’s what he’s doing. Either that or he’s dead…

    gingela5’s last blog post..Let’s See, Work or Catch Up On Blogging…

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  71. You only see him when you are drinking…does that mean he is a figment of your drunk imagination, like a pink elephant?

    MidLifeMama’s last blog post..Cereal in my coffee cup and stickers on my butt

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  72. Wow, I apparently only offend people with the things I post on my blog. Which is puzzling since the offended people in question upset about unflattering things I mostly post about myself. Concerned about my self-esteem perhaps?

    I like that foot stadium scenario. You should totally write a book. It would make a great movie.

    annie’s last blog post..Damn You, Facebook

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  73. Wait a minute. George Ballas died?

    Steve’s last blog post..Another RepRap Milestone

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  74. I wonder if you could sell corpse honey on Etsy?

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..Have I Mentioned, He’s Two?

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  75. My father-in-law died this time last year (well, not exactly this time… a few weeks ago last year). At the viewing, all of his kids, his wife were walking around saying how he just looks different. I pointed out that the funeral home cut the combover he had been sporting for 25 years. They all agreed he looked better that way and that he would be pissed wherever he ended up.

    andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2008-11-25

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  76. Its a good thing we don’t hang out…..I tend to comment on boob jobs and hair plugs when I drink.

    Karyn’s last blog post..My Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

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  77. I think we should all start calling him Nathan Marc.

    Mostly because my 6th grade crush was a guy named Nathan so I really like that name.

    MagsMac’s last blog post..Social Media Lessons “Wii” Can Learn from Nintendo

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  78. I have a plan in my head to mix corpse honey with a lovely, unsalted butter. I’ll put it into little glass jars painted black, label it “Sweet-ass dead-dude honey butter, what?”, and sell it at a roadside stand in South of The Border, South Carolina. I’ll have a BOGO sale every Friday where you can get some sweet-ass fireworks for half price with every jar of dead-dude honey butter.

    Karen’s last blog post..Welcome to a meme, girls and boys!

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  79. Glitter is great! It can even make a corpse fabulous….

    Viewings are so weird. Thank god I’m Jewish.

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  80. I always miss the good parties. I’m also thinking you might be onto a new “reality” series: Flip This Dead Guy? Extreme Dead Guy Makeover? Queer Eye for the Dead Guy?

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  81. I think that if you allowed corpses to be decorated, than a certain segment of society would insist on being “bedazzled” post-mortem and the idea of a dead body with sequins stapled to it is disturbing.

    Also, slightly erotic.

    Kurt’s last blog post..The One About the Snow and the Bears

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  82. I had a friend named Mark Richard once. I called him Steve.

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  83. Hmmm anybody else find it hysterical that the ad next to this blog is about whether or not people can recover from mental illnesses? No, just me??

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  84. I toooooatlly agree w/ your football assessment. And I just might have to use that line myself. Good one!

    Steph’s last blog post..For Melinda:

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  85. I’m always kind of disappointed when I go to a wake (that’s what they’re really called, because we’re all hanging around to see if maybe the stiff will wake up after all), when it’s closed casket, because what kind of VIEWING is that!?!? Seriously.

    I could go on about the best viewing ever, but I think I’m just not going to go there…
    sorry.

    david’s last blog post..Shows This Week

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  86. You are one crazy beyotch.
    Can you come to my parties?

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  87. Mostly uncalled for. But not entirely.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..It’s an annual thing

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  88. Don’t apologize for that comment to the football guy. In fact, I think this should be a call to arms for all of us who feel the same.

    SUCK IT, FOOTBALL! WE ARE COMING FOR YOU!

    shonda’s last blog post..Shameless Self-Promotion Contest….

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  89. Yeah. When I croak, I will leave instructions to just sharpen my toes and drive me into the ground. No freak shows for me, no siree.

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Psychic Hotline

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  90. Wait a minute.

    You know a guy who knows the guy who invented the weed wacker?

    I mean glitter covered corpses are cool and all, but THE WEED WACKER?

    Holy. Crap.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Dead Lizards And Birds Really Aren’t That Inspiring, Frankly (But A New Soda Machine In My Living Room Would Be)

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  91. You need to come to my parties. We need more insane people. I can only cover so much, and I tend to start talking to myself after a half a fifth of rum, so it’s not quite as entertaining.
    I take that back, it probably is. For everyone else.

    gathering dust’s last blog post..Ooooh, shiny….

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  92. @Dory – what will be in the U-haul???

    steph’s last blog post..Die Another Day

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  93. great idea – they could team up with my idea of having grief pics – open casket family photography. My aunt passed recently and as it was a traditional service, the viewing was open casket, and everyone said she looked gorgeous, so I was hoping someone took pictures (which they did, but non too professional). So I thought perhaps three would be a market to have some professional hair and makeup and photos done with he family around the casket…

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  94. You’re hereby, forthwith and forevermore invited to ALL my parties…and all the parties to which I am invited.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..OCD in a Good Way

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  95. Mummies! You didn’t even get to mummification!
    Think what you could do with designer bandages and a cute sarcophagus…

    Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..The Hasbro Habit

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  96. I’m considering starting a whole line of corpse condiments. Think of it: corpse honey, corpse chutney, corpse marmalade….totally endless possibilities. You want in? I’m warning you that this offer won’t last forever.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Car Smarts

    Like

  97. Dead Guy Glitter – where can I find some of that? I could have put it on my cat.

    Kaila’s last blog post..Of hairy boogers and good books

    Like

  98. What were the appetizers served at this party? Magic brownies? Stuffed mushrooms? Could you please ask them for the recipe for me?

    Summer’s last blog post..Green Bean Casserole

    Like

  99. *shakes head*
    Fascinating.

    Ash’s last blog post..A-PL: The Always Pleasant Lifestyle

    Like

  100. I probably shouldn’t be laughing, but I totally am.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Sinda the Tiger

    Like

  101. So I really feel like I have to set the record straight on this one:

    First of all, I started the conversation by saying, “You must really be comfortable, since you’re not wearing your wig” and she says “I didn’t have time to go home and pick it up”. Now this embarrasses me for two reasons 1) I basically just asked Bruce Wayne where his Batman mask was – essentially outing Jenny as her alter ego @thebloggess and 2) because I made her laugh during the speech part of the party last night.

    On a down note, the gentleman who passed away was Spencer Stone, a truly great man – a philanthropist and investor who I met earlier this year. (In case you were morbidly curious http://www.legacy.com/HoustonChronicle/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=120590289). He was not the inventor of the Weed Wacker, but the VP of marketing for Weed Eater who made it a household name. He was an overall awesome person in every way – with enough of a sense of humor that I hope he doesn’t haunt me (with any part of his anatomy) for not attending his corpse display.

    This is just a sample of some of the topics of our conversation:

    Jenny: “Can we all go see the body?”
    Marc (Nathan): “No”

    J: “I read this book that my sister told me not to read about necrophilia, it’s gross but I couldn’t put it down”
    M: “um, OK.”

    J: “My husband is real, not just some dry, made up fictional character who is out to foil my plots and squash my dreams even though it might sound that way”
    M: “He must be so happy to hear that”

    J: “Child rape – not cool”
    M: “No kidding”

    M: “Childrens Charities are a big waste – even though the event was sponsored by a really good childrens charity”
    J: “My child is in a closet right now, but she’s safe since she’s with the cat”

    These things were actually said, out loud and in public with witnesses, but not once did it get awkward or weird. You should also know that I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach towards the end of the conversation when I noticed the ‘I’m totally going to blog this gleam’ in Jenny’s eye. That’s why it’s taken me so long to respond to this post because my hand was shaking with trepidation to click on the link. It’s nice to know that while I may have been shocked today, I certainly wasn’t disappointed.

    Lastly, ‘Corpse Honey’ will be my first pick if I ever have to name a Scandinavian Death Metal Band, a Roller Derby Girl Nickname, or a pony.

    P.S. The best way to watch football is in a private skybox, being fed morsels by Amazon chicks. Duh.

    Like

  102. I think “display” funerals are creepy! Howerver, for my funeral, I have plans. It would begin as soon as someone was looking down at me and say “She was such a lovely woman.” (And I am.) Then everyone would immediately break into song and dance and THEN the glitter and tinsil would ensue. My funeral wouldn’t have a displayer, but a stage director! 🙂

    Brandy’s last blog post..You Will Obey Me!

    Like

  103. What is the name of this necrophilia book?

    Like

  104. I think it was called “Death to Dust” but only a few pages are about necrophilia. It’s most about embalming and stuff. Don’t judge me.

    Like

  105. You know, if you threw a bunch of glitter and some decorative sand layers in with the cremains, you could show off Great-Aunt Betty on the mantle in a glass container in all her fabulousness! Great idea!

    mark’s last blog post..What’s This Lack of Posting All Aboot, Eh?

    Like

  106. Marc (or Nathan, whichever) — I personally prefer Barnes & Noble chicks, but I’ll have to agree with the private skybox sentiment.

    Like

  107. That is exactly how I prefer my football… in utter ruin and destruction. Awesome. Damn… another dead kitten.

    The corpse display is the weirdest part of any corpse exhibition. I would like that corpse designer to design my post-death look. Only adding a chastity belt to protect me from the necrophiliacs. Ew.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Thankful

    Like

  108. Corpse Honey, is that anything like ear wax muffins??

    mariah’s last blog post..I’ll Be Naked For The Next Few Days

    Like

  109. I think that secretly I would like to dress the dead and put make-up on them.

    mariah’s last blog post..I’ll Be Naked For The Next Few Days

    Like

  110. Is it “All of a sudden” or “All of the sudden”? This has nothing to do with anything but I couldn’t hink of anything witty to write about corpse honey – Weird.

    Like

  111. I want to know how the Weed Whacker guy died. Was he weed whacking?

    And I’m totally with you on the honey thing. Sometimes dead people taste so bitter.

    sweatpantsmom’s last blog post..As Thanksgiving Traditions Go, This One’s a Gamble

    Like

  112. If you glitter up your dead bodies, AFTER they have been cremated, you could make Aunt Fiona into a nice Snow-Dome. Then every time you feel sad about not being able to call her up you could give her a little upside down shake.

    I know that would make me feel better.

    Like

  113. On the honey thing.

    It could work like amber and mosquitoes(cue the Jurassic park music). It might like totally preserve the dead. Long enough that we can bring them back through DNA cloning technology of the too near future.

    And then one day there is the knock at the door and here’s a guy who wants to collect that bet you welshed on and would like to know what his wife is doing at your house.

    Well, thanks for staying dead!

    Lets use that honey selectively.

    Like

  114. You talked to BB King about football ? Cool!

    WM’s last blog post..Lawd help me I’m thinking about doing it again

    Like

  115. You.Are.Awesome.

    groovehouse’s last blog post..Tuesday – 11.25.08

    Like

  116. that girl stole my comment, but seriously, Jenny where have you been all my life??? How have I gone all these years without reading your blog?

    Christy’s last blog post..Oh. Mah. Gah.

    Like

  117. “Scandanavian Death Metal Band” conjures up way too many images involving Tom Fischer eating a chicken caeser salad. Egads.

    mrtl’s last blog post..The first picture? Total coincidence. I’m just saying.

    Like

  118. 120
    Just A. Reader

    The comment about wakes reminded me of a true story. Many years ago, I worked at a newspaper, and we shared a parking lot with the police station next door. One of the local cops was killed in the line of duty. One evening as I was walking out to my car, a man who appeared to be about 80-something years old approached and asked me, “Do you know where they’re going to wake that police officer that was killed?” O_O I had never heard it used as a verb like that before. That kind of confusion could be avoided if everybody would just call it a dead guy display.

    Like

  119. If anything, this post represents a mandate for you to drink near the point of alcohol poisoning 5 nights a week, while attending parties across the country for a living.

    I will gladly be your Designated Driver!

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Telegram from Hellegram

    Like

  120. I think I could add something to your party: I tend to drink a lot, and always end up alone, playing with toys. (No, the children’s kind.) And I make my own sound effects, so there’s that. Yup, I am SO much fun. Not lame at all. Not. At. All. (Or, very lame: http://dearhearts.org/images/rex.jpg)

    I would make you look good, is what I’m saying.

    Like

  121. I think you are onto something with the honey and would desperately like to talk to you about a multi-layer marketing biz opportunity. If honey works like that for the dead, imagine what it can do for the living! Call me! xx, B

    Queen B’s last blog post..My New Passion – The Pole!

    Like

  122. Seriously, no more white wine spritzers for you. But also, you could totally market that corpse design idea. I bet Los Angeles would be a good place to set up shop. Can’t you just picture it? Burberry lined coffins and shit?

    Like

  123. Okay.

    Now I see from Marc Nathan/Nathan Marc that the deceased gentleman isn’t connected to the weed WACKER but instead with something having to do with weed EATING and since I’d rather wack my weeds than eat them, this isn’t nearly as impressive to me. (Who the hell wants to eat weeds, anyway? Did this company make ANY money?)

    Lesley’s last blog post..Dead Lizards And Birds Really Aren’t That Inspiring, Frankly (But A New Soda Machine In My Living Room Would Be)

    Like

  124. Is Marc Nathan really real? I know he commented but that is easy to fake.
    It’s kind of a celebrity name. I keep clicking on those links and – disappointment!! No photo!
    I expect him to at least be wearing skin tight leather. When you link to his photo.

    Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..The Hasbro Habit

    Like

  125. I should clarify I meant skin tight leather in a Marc Jacobs kind of way – not in a pervy way at all.

    Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..The Hasbro Habit

    Like

  126. This is why I stay home and get drunk in the privacy of my own home. That way, only my husband sees me act like a drunk idiot! Which happens often!

    Janah’s last blog post..One of Those Days

    Like

  127. Nathan Marc is real. And he’s fantastic. As was my idea about corpse honey takeaway gifts. I’m just sayin.

    Like

  128. I have trouble with people with two first names. The parents should be more considerate and give them a last name as their first name.

    Jim’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: What I am Thankful for

    Like

  129. My high school English teacher once (seriously, once) wore a suit to school and I asked him, “Wow! Who died?” thinking I was such a smart-ass and aren’t I funny? And his aunt had died and I felt like such a dumb-ass.

    I wonder if she had glitter?

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..The ABCs of Me

    Like

  130. OK, remind me to take corpse designer off my resume before I meet you at a party!

    Linda’s last blog post..My Life In Barbie Form

    Like

  131. Corpse Honey…I could see a market for that here on the East Coast…it’s trendy and yet healthy. I personally am all about the healthy corpse honey.

    Jenn’s last blog post..Just Because It’s Funny

    Like

  132. They’ve been doing this in places like Jamaica and the Caribbean for years where they make wild ass customized caskets for people that are crazy colorful and are actually huge sculptures. Like one guy had a casket made that looked like a big, pink Cadillac and another guy had one that looked like a chicken ( don’t ask).

    Maybe you could have a casket built that looks like a dead hobo finger? You might want to think about getting the specs for that together now. It’s probably one of those things that even Jamaican casket makers don’t see every day…. and yeah. I’m sure they do glitter.

    Like

  133. I like coming here because I can say fuck, which I don’t do on my blog. I’m fucking dying over Mark and Ian’s comments on the Sno Globes and mantle displays. Your readers are so twisted, I love it!

    But I love football so I may have to break up with you for awhile.

    melanie @ meladramatic mommy’s last blog post..Snippets: And You PAY Her?!

    Like

  134. Today, I’m thankful for you, Jenny…and that my sister in law who just died will be cremated. I’m not sure the rest of the family could have handled the glitter, although I’m sure she would have been all for it.

    Like

  135. Yet another wait-a-minute moment: Is this the same Marc Nathan who “is an angel investor and technology enthusiast who lives with his wife and two bulldogs in Houston, Texas” and wrote “Flexible Gooseneck Camera Mount”?

    Also, glad to hear George Ballas didn’t die. Somewhat mixed feelings on the marketing VP, though. In my past jobs, marketing VPs have been responsible for promising customers features that a) weren’t finalized, b) weren’t even planned or c) defied the known laws of physics and would’ve required us to build an Einstein-Rosen bridge just as a temporary workaround. We lost Jerry on that project. It was OK, though. He showed up again five years earlier, safe and sound.

    However, seeing as how Mr. Stone never actually caused me any marketing-related headaches, I’ll extend my condolences.

    Steve’s last blog post..Another RepRap Milestone

    Like

  136. I bet they do have top designers for coffin displays. Hey–that could be a series on Bravo. Top Embalmer, hosted by George Hamilton.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Thanks and No Thanks

    Like

  137. I’ve been to a funeral in the evening – friday night, in fact – and it is odd. You don’t know if it’s okay to go to the bar afterwards or just go home or what. Cause it’s friday. And that’s what one does on friday.

    Janine’s last blog post..Dear Old Navy:

    Like

  138. HA! I looked up Marc Nathan and read his blub but I thought it ended with “transsexual matters” but no. It says “transactional matters.” Not that transsexuals couldn’t have transactional matters, but at least he’s not tying himself down to just one type of matter. Good for him.

    Rikki’s last blog post..I should be more grateful for towels.

    Like

  139. I told me damn family that when I die, the only way they can display me is if the do TONS of lipo, some botox and have my damn hair done. Jesus. It’s gonna be a lot of work.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Thanks, People…

    Like

  140. Corpse Honey and Ghost Penis – there ought to be a TV show in there somewhere! 😉

    Oh, and I could definitely get into demolishing football stadia. Use them for nuclear target practice, we could.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Top Chef 5: Foo(d) Fight!

    Like

  141. You are fucking hilarious. I just wanted to say that.

    Also, I heard about this wake where the dead guy wanted to “be there” so the corpse designer had to find a way to rig the guy up so he was FUCKING STANDING IN THE CORNER by like tying him to the wall or something. Can you imagine being at a wake and you start talking to some quiet guy and you’re like (fuck he’s a corpse o shit how do i get out of this without looking like a total assbag maybe i can get him a drink or some peanuts or some shit)? That would suck.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Punk rock progeny

    Like

  142. You know, back when I was a little kid in small town PA, people used to have viewings of their dead relative inside their house, usually in the living room.

    I would have loved for you to be my best friend when I was about 9. We could have been all freaked out together.

    Like

  143. I just finished reading a book called The Mummy Congress which is full of mummy lore including the fact that Alexander the Great’s corpse was preserved in honey. For 300 years or so but then apparently went missing somewhere in Egypt. Apparently that honey stuff really works, now if only all the bees weren’t dying off…

    Like

  144. Wait a minute – you’re bashing football? And I thought I loved you; we had a moment in the bathroom at BlogHer. My heart is broken.

    But my God, you are hilarious when drunk.

    stephanie (bad mom)’s last blog post..[noisy] tidings of good will

    Like

  145. gosh. i gotta get me invited to those kinda parties.

    raino’s last blog post..How dare you!

    Like

  146. I totally lost it at “Some fucking glitter.” If I were at the party, that would have been a cocktail up my nose.

    Stacey’s last blog post..The Spirit of Giving

    Like

  147. Oh honey on a dead guy! Gagamacious! But highly entertaining, as usual.

    New Duck’s last blog post..Heartbreak in a green dress

    Like

  148. The corpse designer never gets to break out of the box? That’s some funny stuff right there.

    Like

  149. I’ll take some corpse honey.

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Birthday boy

    Like

  150. wow…if you used honey AND glitter it would be like an episode of project runway but with corpses and stuff. You should call Bravo stat and get that show on. the. air.

    3am cable television needs you.

    jennydecki’s last blog post..Tell Everyone You are Poor for the Holidays

    Like

  151. Plus, you should know I’m going out later to shop for turkey basters.

    jennydecki’s last blog post..My Husband is Leaving me for @TheBloggess

    Like

  152. Actually, I think you pretty well nailed the football thing. No need to apologize. I clearly need to go to better parties.

    Madelyn’s last blog post..I AM DYING HERE

    Like

  153. Awww … couldnt have been too bad. You did remember SOME stuff. 🙂

    Giyen’s last blog post..Thanksgiving Day Row

    Like

  154. I know Marc Nathan! I just left a comment on Beyond Mom’s blog saying I would leave my husband for you. I need more laughter in my life. 🙂

    Like

  155. It’s awesome knowing that I’m not the only person who says inappropriate things. I unintentionally just killed a kitten in this comment, freakin great.

    Lauren’s last blog post..I have the flu, and an awesome boyfriend

    Like

  156. about halfway through this post i thought of a really great comment, but then i finished reading and completely forgot…

    awesome

    Babushka…er…Biddy…’s last blog post..have you heard?

    Like

  157. I SO SO SO hope to end up at a party with you someday.

    Cat’s last blog post..Blog Roll

    Like

  158. I hate to say it, girl, but your “long-ass comment of the day” was pretty damn funny! I hesitate to say “funnier than your post” only because you have the android phone that could probably kill me with a laser from space. Anywho, if you ever go on vacation, you should get Nathan Marc or Marc Nathan or whoever the hell he is to fill in for you!
    (PS – love your comment about the kid being in the closet! For some reason, every time we go out, sans kid, everybody asks us what we did with her. Do they not trust us? I get annoyed and have to come up with a new answer every time. Personal favorites – She’s in the car with the window cracked; We left her a bowl of food and a sippy cup with her in her crib. I’m glad we have the same twisted sense of humor!)

    Jen@Happily-Ever-After-Land’s last blog post..Home for the Holidays

    Like

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