The time I got disqualified for an award moments after it was announced.

Last week I kept getting emails from the Blogher Ad network telling me I needed to check a box to agree to the new lower rates so I emailed them back:

I’m thinking I may take a break from Blogher ads for a bit.  I’m going to say that I’m going to look into private ads but then not actually do anything about it because I’m lazy but I’ll keep talking about how I’m definitely going to do it and then several months later I’ll realize that I’m way too irresponsible to try to get private advertisers and I’ll want to come back to Blogher ads but then when I go to click on the box accepting the lower rates it will be gone and instead will be replaced with a message that says “Screw you, loser!  That’s what you get for not checking the box back when we told you to!”  Then I’ll be sad and quit blogging for a few months to backpack around Europe.  And by “backpack around Europe” I mean “start doing crack”.  Because I can’t afford Europe but I heard crack is quite cheap.  Of course, I *would* be able to afford Europe if I got private ads which I’m sure I will get whenever I actually start working on that.  Next week…or maybe the week after.  Hey, are you guys interested in running private ads on my blog advertising Blogher ads to other people?  Like maybe a flashing banner that says “If you don’t run blogher ads your vagina will fall out.”  I charge $500,000 a year.  Maybe less.  $100,000?  Eight dollars?  I should really figure this sort of thing out before I send out any more proposals. 

 And then like 3 seconds later I got a personal email back saying that they still loved me and that I could take the ads down whenever I wanted.  Which is totally fucking classy.  And enabling.  But not the good kind of enabling that pushes you to change, like when the chick from Saved By the Bell got hooked on speed and Zack made her quit.  More like the bad, easy kind of enabling like when your dad is an alcoholic but you keep buying him booze because he’s funnier drunk and also because you know if he sobered up he’d remember how much money you owe him even though most of the money went for gin anyway so he should just fucking lighten up and stop yelling at me to clean my room because I DON’T EVEN LIVE THERE ANYMORE.  Honestly dude, that’s the fucking kitchen.  Get your shit together.

**********************

In completely unrelated news, I was a finalist for two Weblog Awards for about six hours until I was forced to resign from one.  True story.  I’m still in the running for “Best Humor Blog” but not for “Best Very Large Blog” which doesn’t actually sound like a real award anyway.  Apparently there’s a rule against being a finalist in more than one category but I guess the guys running the award didn’t realize that I was there twice because they were spelling my name wrong (the blogess) in one category so I publically resigned and so they explained why I quit on their site but then they kept referring to me “the blogress” over and over, which I think is implying I’m half blogger, half ogress.   It’s pretty much the most insulting prestigious award I’ve ever been asked to resign from.

The 2008 Weblog Awards

Comment of the day: Well if your vagina fell out, it wouldn’t be so bad would it?? You could carry your purse in the erm…. ‘void’ and you could wear your vagina as a hat. You know, like the hats that have those big droopy ear flaps. ~ Dave

89 thoughts on “The time I got disqualified for an award moments after it was announced.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Dude, “Blogress” is totally a subtle poke at the Mythical Hobbit thing. DO NOT LET THEM DO THAT TO YOU, the bastards. You have been through enough.

  2. I just guffawed so hard my vagina fell out.

    I resigned from BlogHer ads this week too. Or, will. Maybe. Like you, I’m still waiting for the Chipotle $$$ to roll in. Who wants a vagina burrito?

    Anna’s last blog post..happy nude year

  3. I was all getting ready to comment out of pity due to the sadness of the twitter uh… twit, but people have already beat me to it. So now I’m totally not even going to comment because it’s not like you need it.

    Well shit I’ve already typed all this out might as well click the button. Dammit.

    Awlbiste’s last blog post..Agnes Nutter

  4. At least it wasn’t ‘blogrus’, which I guess would be a cross between a blogger and a walrus, which somehow seems worse than an ogre if only because ogres are sentient bipedal mammals, whereas walruses might well be mammals but are neither sentient or bipedal, which I guess sucks either way but at least it’s less of a step down.

    Dan Udey’s last blog post..CSS and Javascript Tricks

  5. Holy f—ing sh– (replace with profanity if you choose), you honestly run the only blog that makes me laugh out loud. If you decide to go with blogress, I have a direct line to Shrek for language lessons.

    If I could remember that humor wins most training battles, my blog would be so much cooler.

  6. Half ogress? Recently a reader gifted me with a sex toy from his business. It is a neon green … device. I named it Shrek. Shrek has never been played with … because who wants to do it with an ogre?

    Why am I telling you this?

  7. I don’t even understand Blogher. Or blog ads. Or Blogher blog ads. I barely understand blogging (and even this is up for debate). However, I do kinda like “the blogress” thing. It’s like if you go off on a lot of tangents in your posts, but you’ve copyrighted the act of doing so. “Oh, I’m sorry. I blogress.”

    And then maybe you could charge other people to use that term and then THAT’S where your fortune rolls in from. Brilliant! Thank you. My work here is done.

    Lesley’s last blog post..2008: The Year In Photos (None of Which I Took Myself, Of Course, Because What Do I Look Like? A Photojournalist?) (I HAVE NO IDEA, ACTUALLY)

  8. Hey, if Blogher goes for the “If you don’t run blogher ads your vagina will fall out” idea (and why wouldn’t they?), then you should definitely coerce a plastic surgeon who specializes in “vagina replacement surgery” to run a private ad right next to it.

    Sounds like a win-win to me.

  9. “Best Very Large Blog” is sort of a strange sounding award. Now if it was for “Best Very Large Boobs,” that would be something.

  10. I am supposed to be helping clean out the “office” which is just where all my stuff is kept (still in boxes) because we are turning this into the “baby room.” And I was trying to be all quiet about being on the computer instead and you made me laugh so loud I got busted.

    So thanks a lot!

    i think you should start charging other bloggers to advertise their blogs on your side bar where the blogher stuff is that I NEVER look at. Start charging “rent” on your sidebar and extra cash for personal endorsements… Kind of like when good bands are paid by labels to say nice things about shitty bands to put on the front of album covers so people feel safe buying crap they have never heard of because Stevie B said it was smooth.

    I have to get back to work now.

    Ryan’s last blog post..Living With The Light On (Dreaming, a dream, and a Nightmare)

  11. How many names do you go by? Bloggess? Blogess? Blogress? It’s getting a little confusing. Can’t we just call you something simple, like The “B.” Sort of like “The Fonz,” but it would be “The B.” Not Aunt Bee, like on the Andy Griffith Show, but “The B,” would would be sort of cool.

    “Hey, did you read “The B” today?”

    You could then put a “bee” in your header to help with your “branding.” That will bring in the big advertising bucks that you are looking for. You write well, but you need to think more about your “brand.”

    “The B” — the “buzz” from Jenny!

  12. Be glad you’re not with my ad network. Instead of the funloving “punch the monkey to get paid less!” game, mine went with the “hey, we can like, just not pay anybody for months! we’re fucking geniuses!” ploy. Bo-ring.

  13. Why, oh why do I read your stuff when I have just downed half a bottle of wine? and a cookie? Personally, i think I should bill you for the rug cleaning.

    And since I’m old ( as in old, but also as in RA inflicted), when I laughed so hard I spit, my bladder got into the act. Where are those friggin Ben Wah balls when you need them.

    Dana Corey, Spicy Princess’s last blog post..Fun Female Facts. Just Because.

  14. So I get a burrito for blogging? How big is it? Can I cut it half and feed the chittlins? Cool. What’s that number again? Wait, let me go get a nubby pencil…

  15. No, it was TOTALLY enabling because they were so awesomely laid-back about not giving me a deadline to quit I decided to just keep them until I got a new sponsor, which I probably won’t do now because I’ll convince myself there’s no reason to because I already have one. It’s confusing, I know.

  16. Well if your vagina fell out, it wouldn’t be so bad would it?? You could carry your purse in the erm…. ‘void’ and you could wear your vagina as a hat. You know, like the hats that have those big droopy ear flaps. There! A practical solution to your problem.

    I feel really good about myself now. All warm and fuzzy.

    Dave’s last blog post..Shaving

  17. OMB! My wife keeps calling you the Blogress and I keep giving her shit for it but she doesn’t seem to get it. I wouldn’t have thought other people could catch that affliction… it must be like when one person invents something and then someone else invents it at the same time half way across the world or maybe it’s just like herpes. Yeah, it’s probably more like herpes.

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..100 Word Challenge: Doorway

  18. Hmm… apparently only I can prevent wildfires because that is what the BlogHer add and Smokey the Bear are saying. And since it is on your blog, it *has* to be true! But I don’t know if I can handle that much pressure! How am *I* supposed to prevent all those wildfires?! I can’t even control the people I work with – or my wife and daughter for that matter! HELP!

  19. I read it as “Brogless” which would mean you were lacking Brogs.
    Which might mean there’s no Japanese translation of your Blog, but then I guess it would have to be “Brogress”. But I digress, and this is just making me sound racist.
    So lets just say you’re the Bloggess, who digresses from time to time.

    No wait – I decided to look up Brog:
    (br?g)
    n. 1. A pointed instrument, as a joiner’s awl, a brad awl, a needle, or a small sharp stick.
    v. t. 1. To prod with a pointed instrument, as a lance; also, to broggle.

    Do you lack that?

  20. You are listed as one of the top 100 Mommy Blogs or something like that. You beat out D0oce (whose blog I totally don’t get and I keep thinking it’s pronounced douche which can’t be right can it?), of course I don’t actually consider this a Mommy Blog either.

  21. Have you considered looking into the societies for “little people” as potential advertisers? With all the midget porn hits and now the ogre-hobbit theme you have going, you are sure to get gnomes and and kinds of other little beings. And who knows you may attract short stops and short ribs and short cases and all other diminutive types.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Weather…or not.

  22. How come crap like this only happens to you? I think people are starting to do this stuff to you on purpose so that you’ll write hilarious blog posts about it – or so that you’ll go insane and have a nervous breakdown and run down your cul de sac naked – cuz that’s hilarious too.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..good riddance, 2008

  23. @mrtl

    I would totally run BlogHer ads on my site. It’s all about knowing your audience, innit?

    Or maybe you mean “Why did BlogHer let him have ads?” in which case I have no idea. Maybe he passes.

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..Not cool, Willy

  24. Can I have your cast-off award nomination thing?

    And, while we’re at it, can I also have your spot in the BlogHer ad rotation? They seem to think I have too much penis to belong to their elite club.

    Flattering, I suppose, while also empoorening.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A heart-rending ending?

  25. Well, hell. I damn near laughed my vagina out my nose. Do you know how much that hurts?

    Do the Very Big Blog blogs have large font for seniors? Or are they blogs that assure you they are well sized but have just stuffed their blog with a sock?

    MayB’s last blog post..Now that’s excited

  26. You should have told them it was a typo and it was magnetoboldtoo that should have got that award.

    Cause you know I am good for the eight dollars.

    Kelley’s last blog post..The hutch

  27. The Blogress???? WTF lol
    I say if they can’t even SPELL then they should resign THEMSELVES and let ME take over their STUPID awards.
    Then, I would pronounce BLOGESS the winner and we would live HAPPILY ever after (in HER house lmao)

    Julian Meteor’s last blog post..The GREATEST Pub Game?

  28. I saw the Tweet where you resigned. It was a very emotional moment. How are you dealing with it? Between that and the tough decision to give up BlogHer ads, you are having quite a week, you poor thing. Has the burrito coupon arrived yet? Burritos are great comfort food.

    Elisa’s last blog post..A brand new year of ramblings

  29. Choked on my damn morning tea! Tell me you did not just pull out that SBTB episode where the girl from “Showgirls” kept trying to sing “I’m so excited!” while tripping out?!

    LMAO!!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..No More Parties

  30. I just read that whole post and don’t think I comprehended a word of it. Except ogress, because who the hell uses that word? You do. Also, I think I might have dyslexia. Or ADHD. Or both.

  31. I’m always amazed at the connections you make and the amount of unrelated crap you throw into one post.

    Saved by the Bell? Ogres? Crack and advertising.

    Bloody brilliant. (I’m doing my best to sound Upper crust British these days)

    Rhea’s last blog post..Doodling Legos…Forms of Art.

  32. I’m pretty sure I was disqualified from those awards, too. Because I’m not a finalist for any of them so that’s really the only rational explanation.

  33. WOW! Half ogre and half Blogger! What an honor! Congrats on the nominations, both of them, even if they made a mistake and made you step out of one. You always crack me up!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..New Year & Goals

  34. So I’m trying to think who would be a good advertiser that fits with your blog niche, since those Chipotle peeps don’t know a good thing when they see it, and I’m guessing Vagina Mittens aren’t pulling in the big bucks yet to afford you. I’m thinking you should hit up XXX Shops. There’s a lot of money in that industry! You know, either them, or JC Penney. It’s really a toss up!

  35. Burritos are great, but cash is better. Why not put up some Google AdWords ads? Would be pretty simple with your WordPress setup and you could probably keep the BlogHer ads on top of it.

    Happy to help if the above sounded like gibberish. 🙂

    P.S. The Blogress is a biatch.

  36. I still haven’t really jumped on board the whole BlogHer bandwagon. I think that I need to, though; just so I can go to BlogHer and get fucked-up drunk with a whole bunch of hilarious people who I won’t physically recognize because I’ve only ever seen them in 1-inch blog avatars.

    And yes, do tell me more about the Houston Bloggers meeting. I did not know there was such a thing, but I’d love to join up. I’ll even bring cookies! Or maybe vodka instead. Fuck it, I’ll just bring a bunch of hookers; it’s easier. Is that okay?

    M. Butterfly’s last blog post..Returning to routine……or trying to, anyway.

  37. 1) Don’t knock crack. If used properly and in moderation, it can be very effective (this statement does have a few holes in it)

    2) I think “burrito” is a great euphemism for vagina, much better than taco.

    3) I think blog or even blogher would be good sexual euphemisms, too.

    Therefore:

    “I’d sure like to blogher burrito if she wasn’t such a crackwhore, if you know what I’m saying.”

  38. I want to nominate you for the best Run On Sentence Blog. You rock the run on sentence. You have to work on your modifier dangling though.

  39. I don’t actually have a blog but I’ve been reading yours pretty much nonstop for the past several months. And I checked out the other blogs in the “best humor blog” category and have to say yours puts them all to shame. Of course, I’m obviously biased because I have a total lady boner for you, but either way, I can’t wait to vote for you every day until the polls close. Because if you don’t allow yourself small goals in life, like making sure a perfect stranger across the country wins a virtual award, then there really isn’t much of a point to living.

  40. A Blogress is a blogger who digresses. With tresses. Who blesses. The messes.

    Fuck. Drank too much wine AGAIN.

  41. Ah, so that’s why BogHer recently talked to me about putting ads on my blog. Now that you’re leaving they need to fill their required number of Jennys. I’m holding of for Chipolte though. I’m sure those naked pictures I sent them of me will get their attention. I hear they like that kind of stuff.

    Jen @problem girl’s last blog post..Will poop for painkillers

  42. I went to vote for you for that award (the “funniest blogress” one), and saw that you were NOT in first place! C’mon people, we can do better than that! Let’s all go and vote now, and hammer their damn servers so hard that they end up being Bloggessed.

    That’s an order.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Name That Food: Round 1

  43. Makes me wonder how much crafting you do on the posts. Does this stuff just fall out of your vagina or do you actually hafta think, hmmm, is that idea funny enough for a post? The other blur is between truth and fiction. Victor for example, completely made up. You’re a homeless woman with a $399 Dell laptop, aren’t you? I suspect you spend your days sitting in the Pubic Library parking lot close enough to pickup their Wi-Fi but not so close that they can call the police on you.

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..…it’s O-S-C-A-R…

  44. Yeah … we’ve been trying to decide who to go with for an ad network ourselves. From what I’ve heard from other bloggers, Blogher isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when it comes to the advertising? We’re still growing up so I want us to be with someone “cool” ;).

    … maybe we should just put our heads together and start our own ad network? I mean with your people skills and my typing speed … we’d be golden. Thoughts?

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..2009 What is Not On Your To Do List

  45. With the economy, Europe is not that expensive. And if by Europe, you mean Poland, you would have a place to stay if you ever should want to come visit. We have a beautiful river view if beautiful means trashy river filled with crap and lovely communist era architecture. Warsaw is a gem!

    Kylie’s last blog post..Having a Bad Day? Try the DPS.

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