So lately my rheumatoid arthritis has spread into my feet, making it almost impossible to walk and Victor felt so sorry for me that he decided to get me a puppy, which is a lot like giving a piano to someone who is only a torso but WHO CARES BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING PUPPY!
His name is _____________.
This is where I’ve been sitting for the last 6 hours because none of us can agree on a name so now we’re just calling him different names all the time, waiting for one to stick. The top contenders so far:
Alfie
Truman
Oliver
Chester
Barnaby
Leo
Mr. Pickles
TacoBama
Snugglepants the Death Bringer
I-am-Spartacus
Knuckles McGee
I have to get a name quick though because I need to know what to call him when I take him to the vet because last time we took the cat to the vet they accidentally declawed her and I was all “The fuck?” and they were all “Oh. We thought that’s what you wanted” but it wasn’t and I had to pay anyway but they said I could have a credit so I’m going to use the credit to have the dog declawed because now neither of the cats have claws so it only seems right to level the playing field. But then when I called the vet they were all “Uh. We don’t de-claw dogs” and I was like “Well that seems kind of racist” and then there was this big pause probably because she was thinking “Yeah. That totally is kinda racist”. Then we got disconnected. So I’m just going to take him up there and ask them in person. And if they refuse to declaw him I’ll just have his ears pierced instead.
UPDATE: Our ASPCA doesn’t even have ear piercing equipment, y’all. What, do we live in the ghetto? So then I asked how old dogs have to be before they can start getting tattoos and the receptionist was all “WE DON’T GIVE DOGS TATTOOS“. And I was all “LIKE I’D EVEN LET YOU GIVE MY DOG A TATTOO, LADY”. And then we had to leave because Mr. Pickles was getting nervous from all the shouting. I mean, honestly, these are the same people who accidentally declawed my cat. You think I’m going to trust them to tattoo my dog? We’ll go to a professional for that, thankyouverymuch. The last thing I want is Truman ending up with some prison tattoo from the ASPCA.
PS. I called the tattoo parlor and they were all “Huh?” Honestly, I’m getting the worst customer service ever. So I made a mock-up of how I want Alfie to look and I’m emailing it to them because maybe they just can’t appreciate how kick-ass this dog is going to look when he’s done.
And the answer to your question is “Yes. Yes, he is the luckiest dog ever.”
Comment of the day: You need to name him “My Vagina” that way you can call the vet and say things like “there’s something wrong with My Vagina” or “My Vagina just swallowed a shoe, is that dangerous?” ~ Anissa@hope4peyton