Nancy W. Kappes is the greatest letter writer ever

Every couple of days I get an email from a woman in Indiana named Nancy W. Kappes and it is the highlight of my entire fucking week.  Basically it’s like we’re having a really long weird conversation except I’m not actually talking.  Also in my head she sounds exactly like the drag queen from Midnight in the Garden of Good And EvilShe is the standard upon which all other emails are judged and I honestly feel guilty that I’m the only person who gets to read them so I’m reprinting some of her emails here.  You’re welcome:

 

 

From Nancy W. Kappes:

My thank-you-jesus-EX MIL was a complete psycho. When her little sonny boy (Oedipal much? Don’t let me commence), finally passed his architectural boards (after the fourth try) she had a dinner party, but explained that I couldn’t come because she “didn’t have enough chairs.”

Well, it’s been 16 glorious years since those days, and I enjoy nothing more than watching my two girls leave to go to a bat-shit-crazy-screaming match; “family function” sacrificing a goat in thanksgiving that I no longer have to go.  “Bye, guys! Have a great time!” (middle finger from the 20 year-old and a tender “Bite me, Mom” from the 19 year old.) Plus? SHE WILL NEVER EVER DIE just to keep torturing my grrlz. So I sit back with a trashy book, a tumbler of Grey Goose (when I’m flush-Seagram’s when I’m not) and my huge bottle of assorted pharmaceuticals. (My “Judy Garland Trail Mix.”)

p.s. oh, and crazy ex-husband? Used to get the valium with his lemonade at dinner. Crush those suckers up and it’s all “Oh you motherfucking asshole sweetie, here’s a little Crystal Light.” It was the only way I got through those 5 years. He made the Baby Jesus cry.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

Jenny, I’ll trade you 3 percocet and 3 valiums for 5 xanax. Now I can’t even take my afternoon nap at work. Shit.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

RE: Tha’ Rheumatiz: Ah, fuck me running!!  My index finger blowed up real good just last month. Now when I point at people, I am one scary motherfucking memaw. Age has it’s rewards? BOLLOCKS. The only good thing is you get to live on Planet I-Don’t-Give-A-Rat’s-Ass-About-Anything. My sympathies are with you, my dear. Just wait till your ass sags down on your thighs. HOWEVER, the good thing about ageing is that your croaker physician will write you script for just about anything. Yee-haw!

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

JJEEEEENNNNNNNEEEEEE,

Fuck me running, but this goddamned rheumatoid arthritis shit has got to go! It’s about 22 degrees below zero with the wind chill and I am at work guzzling vodka under my desk curled up in my Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag.

Okay, several things. I know you said you work in some religious organization, or whatever. I just bought the Ultimate Trucker Cap. It is the Trucker Cap that All Other Trucker Caps Want To Be. If I knew how to post photos, I would totally do it, but I suck ass with computer shit. Anyhatz, it is white with (are you ready?)

 

 

                       Jesus Christ

 

..on it. How Motherfucking sweet is that?? I am totally wearing it all the time, flipping people off in traffic, pretending I have Tourette’s Syndrome  (have you ever done that? The Tourette’s I mean—it’s a complete blast) screaming at random strangers, “Lick your leg for a quarter, baby!” and “Wanna buy some heroin?”. The only thing is now I so have to get one for LaBloggess  to wear at work or just out on the town. (I totally would have bought all they had, but it was the only one left.) Cool, n’est-ce pas?

So have you named the Wonkster yet?  ‘Wonky McVincent” has a nice ring to it and instead of piercing his ear, you could cut one off. Plus, he’s named after family.

 However, here is the tale of the GREATEST NAME IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, I DON’T CARE., THIS IS IT.

So, I’m drivin home from work one summer eve and am crusin thru a funky part of town when all of a sudden this enormous, gigantic black woman comes out on her porch and bellows:

“SPATULA! SPATULA! YOU GIT YO ASS IN THIS GODDAM HOUSE RIGHT NOW! SPATULA! I’M TALKING TO YOU, GIRL! GODDAM IT, SPATULA, DON’T MAKE ME COME GIT YO ASS!”

 I mean, see above in red letter, oh, jesus christ, I am driving all over the fucking sidewalk, over curbs, wetting my pants, diet coke coming out of my nose, choking on cigarette smoke,crying and thinking I was going to have a heart attack. She named her child after, so help me God, a motherfucking COOKING UTENSIL I mean holy fucking shit, what is up with that?  There you have it. The tale of the Best Name Ever.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

Ah, shit, Dude!  Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died yesterday at age 93.  When they put him in the coffin, they put his left leg in. That’s when the trouble started.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Tranny Mess

 

What the fucking hell?  Maybe the goddamned cat WANTED to be all goth and shit….I send this as a warning, so when Mr. Pickles or whatever the hell you decided to call him, gets his shit done, close the curtains. I want to get a teany weany dog, shave its back and tattoo BAD MOTHERFUCKER on it.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

JJJeeeeennnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee.

Whoa! That happened to a friend of mine when we were all hallucinating our fucking asses off on some—er….well, I read this story where some guy I never knew was on DRUGS which we know are BAD, but he was on some blotter acid and was driving his car. Okay, so we know DRUGS are BAD and I TOTALLY NEVER DID ANY but this guy in the story saw a “donkey” in the middle of the road (this was in I read it was in New York where you would never see a fucking donkey in the road) so he thought he was hallucinating and shit, and just kept driving.  Into the motherfucking donkey that was totally standing in the middle of the road.  In New York.  At least that’s what it said.  Sorta.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal  The Acid Queeen I Never Done No Drugs,Officer, I swear, But Why Does Your Head Look Like a Cockatoo

 

Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (my head hit the keyboard—we had a big-ass lunch party and my head is lolling around like a bladder on a stick.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! What the fuck? What is going on with your feet?  Jesus Christ, it sounds like you have Hilary Clinton cankles.  EWWW!  DRUGS FOR LA BLOGGESS, STAT, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now, see if you lived near me, you would totally not have this problem, because I am always PREPARED for emergencies, biatch! Like a hangnail, and you need just 25cc of Chinese black tar heroin, hey! It’s all good!  I don’t know about high school, but as I told my grrlz when they were of age: Mommy is going to know:

1.  What you’re on

2.  How much you have done

3.  Whether you are liking it or not

4.  If you have any for mommy

So, my sweet little 20 year old  comes home the other night and I’m all, “Fuck! Who’s been smoking fucking Thai Stick? I haven’t seen that shit in years!!!”  Well, after I told her as I said before that DRUGS are BAD and you shouldn’t do them, unless you don’t have a choice, and maybe your mother needs to make sure you are smoking only the Very Best Weed, but OKAY CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES, I SO DID NOT SMOKE WEED WITH MY KID. GOT IT? Thankyouverymuch

 

p.s. bite me

 

okay so, jens, I totally know wh…shit! THEY’RE HERE! BASTARDS!

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Totally Needing Bail Money 

 

JJEEEEENNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

DO NOT TAKE THAT SHIT! What the fuck kind of a goddamned doctor do you fucking have anyway???  You need one like mine where I’ll call up and be all, “Hmm. Yes it’s Ms.Kappes and I need refills on my vicodin, valium, dexadrine and dilaudid. Oh, and throw in some more syringes. And some morphine suppositories*  Of course I want them delivered you bitch! Who do you think you are talking to? DO NOT make me come in their with my                                        

          Jesus Christ

 

hat on an get all the fuck up in yo’ grille.”

See if you can get Lyrica-it’s usually for nerve pain, but it’ll give you a decent buzz. Wash them down with brandy.

Sounds like you need some help out there and if I fucking show up, those motherfuckers will be SMOTE! Word.

Looking out for all Your Medical Needs,

 

Dr. Nanola Whitini

 

*oohh, morphine suppositories! You’re high before your finger is out yo’ ass! (A slogan I tried to market to them. Unsuccessfully.  Stupid Bastards.

Oh, yeah. Here is a very olde tricke which I have been playing for years. Before a big party, fill your medicine cabinet with fucking marbles! Yes! Cause you know those spying little dope-fiend friends of yours are totally going to be raiding that shit, right? The fun comes when some sucker opens it up, and…let’s just say it is one of the loudest godamned noises you’ll ever hear. Over your ringing ears, scream, “BUSTED MOTHERFUCKER!” Great party game.

Now you git out there and try to score for some good shit that won’t make hair grow all over you. NO! WAIT!! SEND VICTOR OUT! Yeah, with the kids in the car seats-you ALWAYS get a better deal and better shit when you bring the kids to buy dope. (free tip from me.)

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

 

Okay, I know! We can do like the ole college days when you sent your buddy at Cornell a letter with LTS on it (meaning lick the stamp.) However, my carrier got wind of mah little  trixy and he is now in the Cayuga Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane (it’s just that they had chains strong enough to hold him down.)

What about making tracks on your arm and heading down to Ye Olde Methadone Clique? WAIT! What is wrong with this picture?? I’m tellin ya, make fucking Victor do something besides bitch like a white chick all the time. HEY! VICTOR! PUSSY-MAN! YEAH, I’M TALKIN TO YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU’RE THE GODDAMNED MAN OF THE FAMILY, NOW PUT THOSE KIDS IN THE BACKSEET AND GO GET YOUR WIFE SOME MOTHERFUCKING DRUGS ALREADY.! Jesus. Didn’t your mama tell you how to act like a MAN??

You Better Stay The Fuck Away From My Area Code,

 

Nancy

 

And before you ask, yes.  I did ask Nancy for permission to publish these and I even offered to change her name or block out the law firm she works for.  Her response: 

 

Fuck, Woman, you don’t even need to block shit! My Thank-You-Baby-Jesus Ex-husband’s name was “Philip Miles” and he goes by “Big Fat Fucking Dumb Ass-Hat Motherfucker” I mean “P. Miles” and he actually got a letter from someone addressed to “Piles Krappes.” As God is my witness, baby; don’t make me do that goddamned Scarlett O’Hara Turnip Scene. I’d send you the actual envelope (hells, yes, I kept it!) but it has snot all over it where I was laughing my guts out.  What the fuck, post it. Everyone at works knows I am an alcoholic drug addict with a big, fat smart-ass fucking mouth who will put a cap in yo ass if y’all fuck about with me. Besides, how much do you think a skanky ho with a “Jesus Christ” trucker cap could get an hour? Fucking tons! “Hey Buddy! You want Jesus to suc….oops. I better have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up right now. See? Even for me some things are untouchable.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Unemployed Drunken Slut Junkie 

 

Comment of the day: I think she’s real. And also a Rage Against the Machine fan. I found this review she wrote

Grandmother-to-be-Gets-Wish Fulfilled
By Nancy the Oldest Rage Fan in the World from Indianapolis, Indiana on 8/27/2007

“Yes, this old soon-to-be (next week) Grandmother, fulfilled a long-time dream to be able to experience a Rage Against the Machine Concert. “D***!” said Nancy W. Kappes, who drove from Indianapolis with her daughter (19 yrs-not the pregnant one) “If we had Rage Against the Machine in the 60’s we would have blown up even more stuff! Viva Zapata” The 53 year-old (who only looks 29!) now just needs to hold her grandbaby and she can die in peace! Thank you, Rage Against the Machine! The very old woman also suggested it would be a good thing for the band to stay together or she would, “Come back and haunt the you-knnow-what out of you! And it won’tbe pretty!” ~ delia

163 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Holy snap. She needs a blog . . . like immediately.

    Untypically Jia’s last blog post..13 Things To Do While Reading Twilight

  2. Oh no, now Nancy W. Kappes is gonna get a book deal because of this exposure!

  3. I gotta get one of them hats!

    Just wear it around the house waiting for mormons or jehovah’s witnesses…

    and when they come a-knockin’, I open the door with it on… they think they hit the jackpot… then I ask them if they wanna lick peanut butter out of my- oh no you didn’t!

  4. Wow. I don’t even know what to say.

  5. Holly crap, Jenny and I thought you were funny. That chick’s off the hook, off her rocker, off her meds …

    Robin’s last blog post..Markel Farkel Friday

  6. That’s it, I’m calling my firstborn Balloon Whisk.

    Meg’s last blog post..Putting plans on ice

  7. Ummmm…why doesn’t she have a blog. I’d follow her to the ends of the earth and back. If we could find our way back, that is.

    Mama Dawg’s last blog post..Totally Random Post For Like The 541st Time

  8. LMFAO- this bitch is fucking HILARIOUS!!!!!! MORE MORE MORE! encourage her to blog.. like YESTERDAY! ha!

    jennster’s last blog post..is this real life?

  9. Yes, Nancy, a blog. Pronto. And perhaps a phone number.

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..With God As My Witness, I Swear I Will Never Use Me Where I Should Use I. That’s Where I Draw The Line.

  10. You tell me Hoosiers aren’t the shit. Go ahead.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Feeling sheepish

  11. Nancy reminds me of my aunt Nancy… Oh, shit!

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: What is Love?

  12. This is you contacting yourself from the future via a time travel device, isn’t it?

  13. I didn’t know that I was missing out. Now I know my life is hollow.

    Is ignorance bliss?

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..This is not Candy Land

  14. I am from Kansas and at my old elementary school I heard a mother yelling “Sha-theed, Sha-theed!” trying to get her kid’s attention. Thinking that was an interesting name, I turned and looked. The child was wearing one of those screen printed shirts with his name on the back… and are you ready for this? It said… SHITHEAD. No lie. Shithead – and you blend the “th” so you pronounce it “Sha-theed”.

  15. I echo the sentiments — Nancy W. Kappes, get ye a blog! I’ll help you set the damn thing up and will be the first to subscribe!

    And I’m totally psyched to try your marbles in the medicine cabinet party trick. Awesome.

    You one rad chick.

  16. Someone show that woman how to use her computer… quick.

    I’d pay to read her blog. Oh, and ummm, yours too Jenny… Really.

    Sue

    Sue’s last blog post..What is This Lifecoaching Thing Anyway? Or Is It Life Coaching?

  17. You have too much fun. Or she does. Or we do.

    And yeah, she needs a book contract. Or a talk show or something.

    magpie’s last blog post..Snow

  18. You + Me + Nancy (vodka and barbituates) = best threesome God ever made.

    Oh yeah, baby, God will be watching! Maybe we should all wear JESUS CHRIST caps during our threesome?

  19. Separated at birth.

    One thing I am cocerned about is that you may be channeling “Nancy” to clear out all of your unpublished blogs. Usually, when there is a simple and ordinary explanation for something I suspect an elaborate ruse. I especially think it would be a great way to get your frustrations out on your husband by blaming old “Nancy”

  20. Please ask if she would CC us every time she writes to you. Oh my god.

    Or tell her to start a blog. Hell, let’s just set one up for her.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..I don’t think this was what she meant…

  21. Wow, and I thought I was the craziest person in Indiana.

    Nancy – we’re practically neighbors. I’ll buy you lunch. You bring the trail mix!!

    Amy

    Amy’s last blog post..Stories Everywhere

  22. “Judy Garland Trail Mix.” Brilliant! And RIP Larry LaPrise. Who knew someone actually wrote “The Hokey Pokey?”

    I learn so much from this blog.

  23. I love this woman. More than I love Vicodin.

    Nancy, get yourself a blog woman!

    Meghann’s last blog post..Being the “bad guy”

  24. I can’t stop laughing over spatula

    Oh and I have photos of the hat–swear.to.god.

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..So Much Beauty

  25. Nancy! Jesus fucking God while Mary holds his ass open! You sound like home, girl! Get your righteous ass over to http://www.blogger.com before I spank it raw.

    deb on the rocks’s last blog post..Are You My Mommyblogger? A Night-Night Story for My Birthday!

  26. “Fuck me running” is my catchphrase of 2009. Fuck me running, it’s only 8 pm and I’m already shitfaced!

    Love and nice weekends,
    me

  27. “In a world without bipolar meds…”

  28. Can you ask her to cc me on her weekly emails?

    And I had to cut back from charging a quarter to charging a dime to lick legs. Guess the economy is gettin’ everyone.

    Amber D.’s last blog post..Dating and the Black Hole Theory

  29. Oh my fucking god…I can’t see straight I’m laughing so hard!!!!!!!! Jenny, get her a god damn blog like NOW!!! Promise her more drugs, more alcohol, anything!!!! I’ll be standing in line waiting to sign up!!! OMG I haven’t laughed that hard in I don’t know how long!!!

    The Mad White Woman’s last blog post..THE MOJAVE RATTLESNAKE AND ITS HABITAT – The Report

  30. I’m exhausted after reading all of that. Holy crap, she’s hysterical.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..I’ve been interviewed. Again!

  31. I think I have found my new best friend. Please continue to share. I HAVE to know what happens next.

  32. I am in awe. A little scared, but mostly just in awe.

  33. I really need to develop a drug dependency. Or start making more stuff up.

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..My Little Chickadee

  34. I’m dying reading this shit! LMAO!

    If Nancy had a blog…or a show…

  35. Two things:
    1) Nancy needs her own blog. Hell yes. And the banner should have that hat in it.

    2) How this for a name: my sister and her husband were at the movies in Philadelphia when a child ran down the aisle past them followed by his mother, who was shouting: “Isosceles! You come back here! I do not wanna sit down front!”

    –V’s last blog post..Fair warning

  36. I was all for drugs. Until I read this. Now, I’m thinking drugs might = bad.

    Undomestic Diva’s last blog post..Ice, ice baby

  37. *head explodes after witnessing the greatness*

  38. Oh my god I didn’t think anyone could make me laugh as hard as you, Bloggess, but there you go! I know realize what’s missing in my life. A penpal by the name of “Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal”.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Everything Old Is New Again

  39. I’m with Yelocrab. You’re just like Jess/Tess on One Life To Live except you aren’t stealing babies yet. Yet.

    If her name was Penny, I’d be 110% sure it was you writing these (Penny/Jenny). As it stands, I’m just 99.9% sure it is you.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..You Know You Live in a Farming Community When…

  40. Okay. Seriously: Is this woman writing you in some kind of character…or is this really who she really is??

    And if this is the real Nancy? Oh dear God: Our country’s legal system would be in a lot better shape if people like her were JUDGES instead of paralegals.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Is Not A Political Blog…But His Name Looks Like "Boner" So, You Know, What Do You People Want From Me??

  41. Let’s make this a weekly read– she’s great. I agree– she needs a blog.

    Debbi’s last blog post..Needing to Nourish

  42. Jenny,

    Ever been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder?

    andy’s last blog post..How will these stimulate the economy?

  43. LOL! Wow, Jenny, next to Nancy you’re pretty subdued. LOL

    Greis’s last blog post..Weigh-In Wednesday Week 4

  44. Oh my. I used the “c” word on my blog yesterday and have been saying Hail Mary’s all morning. Clearly, I need to loosen up.

    I love that Nancy Kappes.

    Candy’s last blog post..In Which I Declare “Bullets! Now, Improved!”

  45. Dude, she’s….awesome!

    Im jealous!

    Seraphim’s last blog post..What. The. Hell.

  46. Holy. Hell.

    kerrie’s last blog post..Because I’m Really More Of A Baker

  47. Damn, why don’t I ever get any fan mail.

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday (or Why I Love Winter)

  48. I have seen the face of god.

    Cat’s last blog post..I Kinda Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Winner

  49. I have tried to convince her she needs a blog but so far it’s fallen on deaf ears. And yes, she totally exists and is not just a figment of my imagination. Her email address is from the law firm she works for. Nancy W. Kappes = Awesomeness.

  50. Definitely a book deal for starters, but I’m smelling a whole media property. Oh…the licensing…

  51. Please god; Nancy, in the name of all that is awesome I BEG YOU – start a blog!

    Hayden Tompkins’s last blog post..What’s Your Vision for 2009?

  52. Wouldn’t you miss her emails if she put them into a blog of her own? Then you’d have to subscribe to emailstothebloggess.com

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Secret Language of Poop

  53. Jesus Christ is right!

    flutter’s last blog post..A bewildering and intriguing tale

  54. She can’t have a blog. That would be like handing a loaded gun to a child.

  55. You need to start publishing her letters on a regular basis. That is the funniest shit I have ever read.

  56. Someone get this woman a blog! Better yet, get her her own damn cable network.

  57. Seriously that chick needs a blog right now! I just about had Pepsi coming out of my nose. Thanks for the share Bloggess.

    Mad Woman’s last blog post..Enter the world of…..Mutant Sperm!!

  58. @ Andy

    HAHAHAHAHHAHA.

    Best. Comment. Ever.

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat’s last blog post..Without You, I Might Just Float Away

  59. Holy shit! I need a daily subscription to that! Seriously, it would make my day a WHOLE fucking lot better!

    Ty’sMommy’s last blog post..a picture worth 1000 words…

  60. HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    JENNNNNNNNN…. MY head just hit the keyboard from laughing hysterically.

  61. Wow, she is truely insane. I agree she needs her own blog though. I would follow

    R~’s last blog post..Damn Baby

  62. Ellen Degeneres should totally phone her on the show.

    Also, I got an email forward the other day that informed me that forwarding it on to others was “what Christ would do.”

    Swistle’s last blog post..Positive Stories About Single-Child Families

  63. I think she should be on “The View.”

    And go out with me.

    The Dead Acorn’s last blog post..Them Interwebs Is Funny!

  64. Hmmm…paralegal.tumblr.com appears to be available.

    We need to at least get her on the twitter.

    Found a JC Trucker Hat… http://www.gazebo-gifts.com/cp/cpshop.cgi/2404961584.gazebogifts-103073383+jesus-christ-trucker-hat.html

    They’re gonna be saying, “Fuck, we just sold 800 hats to people with teh Tourette’s.”

    DeanJ’s last blog post..L4D They are on Zoey!!!!!

  65. Jenny,

    Don’t get me wrong, if you DO have multiple personality disorder (aka, hit over the head with the crazy stick), I’m not suggesting you get help. I like you just how you are.

    andy’s last blog post..How will these stimulate the economy?

  66. Are you sure that’s not your sister? Seriously!

    Jen @ Mommay’s Mayhem’s last blog post..Friday Fragments 2.6.09

  67. omg! she does sound JUST LIKE the lady chablis. i saw a poster for her show when i was in savannah in december. next, i work up the nerve to go see it when i go visit again.

    zeghsy’s last blog post..holy creepiness dude!

  68. What a peach! I love her! Why isn’t this slut blogging?!

  69. holy shit, is there a cliff’s notes version of this?

    furiousBall’s last blog post..my tube top-shedding, gassy Asian friend

  70. ok-first of all, I hope Nancy’s kids realize how totally fucking wickedly awesome their mom is. Secondly, can you have a weekly guest post from Nancy? She could be your side-kick. Like Silent Bob and Jay- only funny. Fucking marbles in the medicine cabinet. Genus. Except I really hope none of my rich suburban friends read this. I dont want to get busted or my score.

  71. Even Jenny has a role model.

    Get that woman a blog. Stat!

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Apparently…

  72. Fuck, Jenny. You get all the awesome stalkers. I don’t even get any hate mail. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Trust Me, You Do Not Want To Know What I Think. For Serious.

  73. Lady Chablis Nancy is a hoot! Please tell her that you will find her thank-you-jesus-Ex MIL and tell her that Nancy would like to patch things up with her. That will either start another Grey Goose binge or another string of emails — either way, we’re all winners.

    Dingo’s last blog post..Ice, Ice Baby (Seals)

  74. I kind of don’t know whether to laugh or call A&E to get The Intervention over to Nancy’s like, pronto.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..How the Recession Punched My Baby in the Gut

  75. There is no Nancy W. Kappes. She’s like Mr. Kobayashi to your Kaiser Soze. What’s written on the bottom of this coffee cup? Never mind. It’s a Robitussin bottle.

    Kurt’s last blog post..This Is Pretty Much The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Written

  76. Dear Nancy – you would totally rock a blog. . I’d read it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

  77. Nancy Kappes is totally my hero.

    WM’s last blog post..Things that should never be Tweeted

  78. OMG! Wherever you found Ms. Nancy W. Kappes, I want the hookup cause I gots to get me one! Thanks to you and Nancy I’m out of special-reserve-just-for-reading-blogs-Depends. Fuck, is it payday yet?

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Tagged By Weirdness

  79. Fuck me running, Nancy needs a blog. And we need photos of that Jesus Christ hat.

    Oh goodness. AWESOME.

    Christine’s last blog post..Change is a Lovely Thing…

  80. she is freaking awesome! Hells yeah!

    Karen’s last blog post..Anonymity

  81. OMG–she sounds just like my mom–and i havent decided if this is a good thing or not

  82. Love it!

  83. I have GOT to quit reading this shit at work! I look retarded when I try not to laugh!

    Jodi’s last blog post..religion in a public school – excellent!!

  84. 84
    Jill Watkins

    OMG- She is a riot!

    jill.watkins@gmail.com

  85. I agree with, apparently, everyone else. That chick needs a blog. Not that I would ever give you up for her, but I may stray her way, every now and then.

    Brandy’s last blog post..I’m not on crack I swear!

  86. Woah. That was awesome. I’m totally working on a paralegal certification and need to find a lawfirm that will hire my cranky/unexperienced/crazy ass – I should work with her. Have her people call my people and offer me piles of money (or at least a drinking buddy).

    Kate’s last blog post..Adventures in (fake) parenting…

  87. I think she’s real. And also a Rage Against the Machine fan. I found this review she wrote…

    Grandmother-to-be-Gets-Wish Fulfilled
    By Nancy the Oldest Rage Fan in the World from Indianapolis, Indiana on 8/27/2007

    Pros:
    Crowd Was In To It, Engaging Stage Presence, Great Encores, Great Lighting, Great Sound, Perfect Set List

    Best For:
    Everyone

    Yes, this old soon-to-be (next week) Grandmother, fulfilled a long-time dream to be able to experience a Rage Against the Machine Concert. “D***!” said Nancy W. Kappes, who drove from Indianapolis with her daughter (19 yrs-not the pregnant one) “If we had Rage Against the Machine in the 60’s we would have blown up even more stuff! Viva Zapata” The 53 year-old (who only looks 29!) now just needs to hold her grandbaby and she can die in peace! Thank you, Rage Against the Machine! The very old woman also suggested it would be a good thing for the band to stay together or she would, “Come back and haunt the you-knnow-what out of you! And it won’tbe pretty!”

  88. Ok, and I thought you were the only one who could make me spray Pepsi out of my nose! She either needs to get her own blog or you need to start a little corner of your blog just to post her emails on a regular basis. Because, damn that’s funny stuff.

    Andi’s last blog post..Seven Years Ago Today

  89. I like you better Jenny, but I’m crazy into hobos and zombies.

    If you could throw in a shiv and a dead hooker once in a while and maybe even Teen Wolf, I’ll mug a pharmacist for you.

    What I’m asking here is if you could kindly shank a skank. That’s all.

    Betsey’s last blog post..Carry On

  90. That’s the best name since we convinced a guy to name his daughter “Libidinous” and told him it was like Ancient Roman and classic and shit and that he could call her Libby for short. God some days I really do miss high school.

    jenniebee’s last blog post..In Which I Relate News of No Importance to Anyone by Myself

  91. Holy effin’ crap I’m laughing so hard my boss may figure out I’m not actually working! Too funny!

  92. I’m with Kurt et al who think Nancy is your Tyler Durden.
    And I’m concerned.

  93. Oh. My. God. I love Nancy. I want her email address. I want to move next to her. Seriously funny shit.

  94. I blame the paralegal system. She was probably once a very sane individual.

    Beth’s last blog post..The Eight Perfect Valentine’s Day Gifts

  95. Holy Hell is right. I think I sprained something and I am totally pissing of my 9 y/o laughing my ass off and not letting her read it.

    My new signature:

    *oohh, morphine suppositories! You’re high before your finger is out yo’ ass! – Nancy

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..On Marriage and Motherhood

  96. OMG! I thought you were the funniest thing on two wheels…but no, that lady is crazy and funny as hell!

  97. I. LOVE. HER.

    HEY NANCE? BLOG BABY. THOSE WORDS COMIN OUT OF YOUR FINGERS SHOULD BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD! HOLY SHIT BALLS WOMAN, YOU HAVE CREATED YOURSELF A FAN BASE. WE ARE ALL WITH YOU!!! (by that i mean all drunk/on some kind of drugs)
    I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE ABLE TO READ WHATEVER YOU WRITE ON A CONSISTANT BASIS.
    BLOGGESS DARLING, THANK YOU FOR INVITING US INTO THE AWESOME-NESS.

  98. WHOA.

    One the one hand: LOVE.

    On the other: this woman sounds like a complete and total lunatic.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Things I Kind of Love

  99. Oh pretty please ask her to be my friend!!!! I think I love her!

    Katrina’s last blog post..Lordy, y’all, please read Gluttony Gals latest post!

  100. How can I get someone to send me emails like this huh? Don’t be selfish. We all need a little crazy.

  101. FANfuckingTASTIC.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..Spinning Baby.

  102. You really don’t have to write THAT many emails to yourself just so we think you have friends. One, maybe two, would do.

    Michelle’s last blog post..Wilson flat note cards -personalized- set of 12

  103. I loved each and everyone of them. And that’s about all I’m going to say because I dpn’t really want Ms. Nancy to put a cap in my ass!

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Be expecting something…

  104. Day-um. All I get is emails saying ‘change your font’, ‘your blog is loading slow’, ‘the colours are too bright’, ‘I wish I was as damn awesome as you’

    I need me some Kappes. You think she will stalk me too?

  105. Fuck me running, the spatula story is cracking my shit up!

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..You Can’t Handle The Flying Bitch Slap!

  106. I remember the marble in the motherfucker’s medicine cabinet from an old Dear Abby column.

    But Dear Abby’s letters can’t touch this whack shit. Loves to Nancy.

    moonfly’s last blog post..All mortals must pay homage

  107. 107
    Just A. Reader

    What are all these people going on about? She’s funny, but she’s no Jenny the Bloggess.

  108. Oh my fucking god! I have to go lay down…my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

  109. Man, you get all the good mail. The one about the Hokey Pokey guy made me spit up my Grey Goose. I mean Boones Farm.

    sweatpantsmom’s last blog post..Doing our part to stimulate the economy

  110. You know, they don’t call them “spatulas” anymore. Now they call them “flippers”. And that brings a whole kaleidoscope of twisted images to mind. I heart Nancy BTW.

    clickmom’s last blog post..hydrants and lunges and squats, oh my!

  111. Oh, gawd do I want her to come to my blog. She’d sooooo take care of my conservative family who found and outed my blog. They openly disapprove and aren’t talking to me anymore. Gah! They hate my blog, but can’t seem to leave it. I need some psycho biotch like Ms. Nancy to stalk them away. Pretty please Nancy. Scare ’em away from my blog.

    Your worshipper,
    Scout’s Honor

    Scout’s Honor’s last blog post..We’ve come a Long Way, Baby

  112. Not to be a wet blanket, but I guess I don’t find real prescription drug abuse all that hilarious, it’s kind of annoying/sad.

    I’m with #107, she’s no Jenny.

  113. Thank You so much, I have’nt had a laugh like that in way to long. I’m gonna read it all over again. I love an inabler.

  114. Love it! Perhaps a monthly column of her emails?

  115. Well, I love her. Or you…your other personality…the actual woman from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” (who was The Lady Chablis, btw – and I didn’t even have to Google that, I loved her so much.)

    I don’t care who Ms. Nancy W. Kappes is, I love her, and I want more. Which is not to say that I will limit by one second the amount of time that I’m here with you, Jenny (may I call you Jenny?). I’ll just give up something else to make the extra time. Y’know…like doing the dishes. Seriously, my DH is very understanding.

    Ri’s last blog post..…so….um….er…

  116. “JJEEEEENNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    DO NOT TAKE THAT SHIT! What the fuck kind of a goddamned doctor do you fucking have anyway??? You need one like mine where I’ll call up and be all, “Hmm. Yes it’s Ms.Kappes and I need refills on my vicodin, valium, dexadrine and dilaudid. Oh, and throw in some more syringes. And some morphine suppositories* Of course I want them delivered you bitch!”

    May be the best paragraph I’ve ever read. She is the bomb!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Slowly Restocking

  117. OMG! Who wyuld have thought it possible that you would find your match and then some? This woman is freakin’ HILARIOUS!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Even the Little Girls Loved Kat Von D in Houston

  118. I want Nancy W Kappes for my bff. The two of you are some funny.

    Chris O’s last blog post..Nicole’s House Tour or Nix Cool Pix

  119. Grey goose when she’s flush .. I gotta use that one, in my case its Svedka when I’m flush and McCormack’s when I’m not. You definately hit the jackpot when Ms Kappes hit the send key.

  120. Holy Shit Balls! This woman is my hero!!!!! I need to know her, and I want to know if she will please adopt me???? I’m so not even kidding.

    Courtney at Blogging Matilda’s last blog post..Pictures Pictures Pictures

  121. Gorram… I think I busted a rib laughing…

    (…and I want the name, address, phone number, and any incriminating photos of her more-generous-than-mine doctor, too…)

    Andrew Ironwood’s last blog post..Well, At Least *Someone* Out There Shares My Philosophy Of Music…

  122. Dude, I’m totally lazy, but I was wondering if Nancy posted here.

    My life would be complete then.

    Seraphim’s last blog post..What. The. Hell.

  123. Hey, it is 2:30 in the morning, I’m at Blissdom, I can’t sleep, my husband WAS sleeping and snoring loudly until I almost “bust a gut” laughing. That shit is hilarious. Why does this person not have a blog? Have you asked her? Oh shit, that’s funny. I totally didn’t read the other posts to see if you’ve already answered this…sorry, I have 800 reads in my feed reader, think I can get through them if I quit commenting on posts? ACK…sorry if someone already asked.

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..I’m at Blissdom….are you here yet

  124. Is this because I haven’t written for a while? You said you’d be nice. Now I’m nobody to you? Jesus.

    Braja’s last blog post..Color me every color under the sun, basically…

  125. I really need that woman to get her own blog. Seriously. Think of the genius.

    sherendipity’s last blog post..Random Friday: The BRING ON THE WEEKEND!!! edition.

  126. Pretty much the most amazing letters ever. I’d read her blog.

  127. http://www.wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/517769/TheBloggess

    This is what Wordle says of your life. <3 you!

  128. I wish Nancy Kappes would send me a Jesus Christ trucker hat. And some morphine suppositories.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Lethargically Yours

  129. You are shitting me. This chick is great!!! She can write and I will publish!!! I want more

    Rhea’s last blog post..Any good fake picture you recommend???

  130. I humbly bow at the feet of the master……funniest fucking thing I have ever read

  131. OH, my holy jesus, I want to BE her! I have a new aspiration in life.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..The short thoughts are often the most profound.

  132. oh my, that just made my fucking day! you have no idea…

    seriously,. she needs a blog.

  133. I think you’re totally out of a job now Jenny. Even Forrest can’t save you now. If somebody put both of you in the same room I think the universe would implode. Or God would condemn our entire race of species to extinction since the shit that would come out of your mouths would be so blasphemous as to scare even him, he who has seen everything. Or has this meeting already happened?

    Julia’s last blog post..My Husband is Strange

  134. I love her with every bit of my marrow. Sweet Dilatid Mainline!!! I love that woman.

    I want to be her William S. Burroughs.

    cIII’s last blog post..Interview – Fin

  135. I couldn’t look at this picture without thinking of the beloved Bloggess and Ms. K on a road trip–“It was just outside of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold”:
    http://www.plan59.com/images/JPGs/eth5401.jpg

  136. This was my last email http://bbkf.tumblr.com/post/76486926

    Who wins the most?

    bbkf’s last blog post..Well this is an email I didn’t expect on a saturday night.

  137. That is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. I laughed til I cried. That lady needs her own blog, like yesterday!

    Tamara’s last blog post..Brazen Raven

  138. Holy crap, that’s some good shit. How did you get to be on her email list? No fair.

    stacey’s last blog post..Poppet explores fiction

  139. 139
    wendy (tramps like us)

    oh man, I want me some Judy Garland trail mix…do they have that at whole foods? trader joe’s???? Cosco????

  140. I am hardly able to see my keyboard through the tears of laughter. Thank you for giving those letters the voice of “the lady Chablis”. It would have been funny without, but that was class A comedy genius. I hope she doesn’t keep her Judy Garland Trail Mix where the Lady Chablis would “hide her candy”.

  141. She is bringing the crazy in a big ole Mack truck. Wearing a Jesus Christ gimme cap. Beautiful.

    lettergirl’s last blog post..Friday Moron Round-Up

  142. If Nancy ever starts blogging, your days are numbered. Better keep on her good side.

    annie’s last blog post..And the Blog Award Goes to…

  143. She is The Jeffersons to your All in the Family,

    And I do believe The Bloggess has found her first spin-off.

    Lauren’s last blog post..Barbara and Linsey get in a Cat Fight on the Senate Floor

  144. i want to know what kind of lawn art she has.

    Lindaloohoo’s last blog post..Saturday with the Stevens Family…they’re sleepy and they’re snoozy…

  145. Funniest shit I read all day.

  146. I wonder if she would adopt me. I’m full grown and financially independant already… plus, I’d share my xanax.

    I was in your fine city this past week for the Oil and Gas Expo. Maybe you notcied a bunch of geeky people running around?

    Sabine’s last blog post..Obama Llama Ding Dong

  147. Holy shit, I love her. I want to be Nancy when I grow up.

    Plus, you get the coolest emails from your readers ever. All I ever get is “How do you get the Twitter thingy on the side of your blog” and “I think you talk about drinking too much”.

    Zak’s last blog post..Weekend Review: Jerks And Bicycles

  148. That clinches it. We’re naming our next pet Spatula.

    Ms Martyr’s last blog post..I Call Bullshit

  149. thanks for the best laughs I’ve had in a long time…Nancy, I love you 🙂

    Krystyna81’s last blog post..Critique Night…Mojitos are a must!

  150. 150
    The Daughter

    That’s right folks… this crazy bitch is my mother. I think she’s ready to publish, but she’s hesitant… HELP ME CONVINCE HER!!

    <3 the middle-finger-wielding 20 yr old

  151. I read this post on the 6th and got a headache from laughing so hard.. I’m back for more, I just had to read this again.. I really need some of what she takes!!

  152. This is, by far, my favorite blog post I’ve ever read. I’ve sent it to all my friends and family, because I had to share this with everyone I know. I think I’m also going to put this in my company’s newletter next month.

  153. Holy Fucknuts!!!

    that was the best thing I’ve read all week.

    I may permanently use this for mood enhancement.

    THANK YOU, and Nancy of course.

    Catootes’s last blog post..Because the fun never ends

  154. […] pounds when you void your bowelsTo be honest, I don’t even remember writing about a donkey party.Nancy W. Kappes is the greatest letter writer everNow I just need to find someone who sells human […]

  155. […] Read [The Bloggess via Stephanie] Share with others… Hide Sites $$(‘div.d274’).each( function(e) { e.visualEffect(‘slide_up’,{duration:0.5}) }); […]

  156. I want her to be my aunt. You know, that crazy foul-mouthed aunt who lives out of state, but when you go to visit her you know you’re in for a ridiculously good (drunken) time.

    Diana’s last blog post..One Million Pages

  157. I’ve known Nancy as well as the entire family dynamic for decades; believe me, she isn’t expressing nearly the half of it. To equate her loveliness and brilliance to the foolish Lady Chablis does her an immense disservice. Count your blessings, kids to have the opportunity to discover what maturity can, and should be!

  158. […] but holy crap is she hysterical. You should definitely read her if you need some perking up. The correspondence between her and “Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal” alone makes her blog worth […]

  159. […] if I wasn’t a lazy bitch, I would make some for you to pass out, but maybe a shit load of the Jesus Christ hats where we cross out Jesus Christ with a fucking sharpie and write in“The […]

  160. […] reading my blog for long then you know Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. She first started emailing me years ago and her correspondence was the most bizarre, amazing, roller-coaster of profanity and […]

  161. God I miss her…

    Zandria recently posted I Said I Wasn’t Going to do Anymore of These….

  162. I just happened to stumble on the info that Nancy passed. I knew her back in the mid 90’s when I was in high school. She was pretty damn cool and I was sad to see that she’s no longer with us. She was wild, crazy and very interesting to say the least.

  163. 163
    Lady Penelope

    Jeepers! People already think I’m crazy for laughing uncontrollably in public as I sneakily read your blog.
    THIS did not help … but thanks, Nancy is a hoot!

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