Nancy W. Kappes is the greatest letter writer ever

Every couple of days I get an email from a woman in Indiana named Nancy W. Kappes and it is the highlight of my entire fucking week.  Basically it’s like we’re having a really long weird conversation except I’m not actually talking.  Also in my head she sounds exactly like the drag queen from Midnight in the Garden of Good And EvilShe is the standard upon which all other emails are judged and I honestly feel guilty that I’m the only person who gets to read them so I’m reprinting some of her emails here.  You’re welcome:

 

 

From Nancy W. Kappes:

My thank-you-jesus-EX MIL was a complete psycho. When her little sonny boy (Oedipal much? Don’t let me commence), finally passed his architectural boards (after the fourth try) she had a dinner party, but explained that I couldn’t come because she “didn’t have enough chairs.”

Well, it’s been 16 glorious years since those days, and I enjoy nothing more than watching my two girls leave to go to a bat-shit-crazy-screaming match; “family function” sacrificing a goat in thanksgiving that I no longer have to go.  “Bye, guys! Have a great time!” (middle finger from the 20 year-old and a tender “Bite me, Mom” from the 19 year old.) Plus? SHE WILL NEVER EVER DIE just to keep torturing my grrlz. So I sit back with a trashy book, a tumbler of Grey Goose (when I’m flush-Seagram’s when I’m not) and my huge bottle of assorted pharmaceuticals. (My “Judy Garland Trail Mix.”)

p.s. oh, and crazy ex-husband? Used to get the valium with his lemonade at dinner. Crush those suckers up and it’s all “Oh you motherfucking asshole sweetie, here’s a little Crystal Light.” It was the only way I got through those 5 years. He made the Baby Jesus cry.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

Jenny, I’ll trade you 3 percocet and 3 valiums for 5 xanax. Now I can’t even take my afternoon nap at work. Shit.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

RE: Tha’ Rheumatiz: Ah, fuck me running!!  My index finger blowed up real good just last month. Now when I point at people, I am one scary motherfucking memaw. Age has it’s rewards? BOLLOCKS. The only good thing is you get to live on Planet I-Don’t-Give-A-Rat’s-Ass-About-Anything. My sympathies are with you, my dear. Just wait till your ass sags down on your thighs. HOWEVER, the good thing about ageing is that your croaker physician will write you script for just about anything. Yee-haw!

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

JJEEEEENNNNNNNEEEEEE,

Fuck me running, but this goddamned rheumatoid arthritis shit has got to go! It’s about 22 degrees below zero with the wind chill and I am at work guzzling vodka under my desk curled up in my Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag.

Okay, several things. I know you said you work in some religious organization, or whatever. I just bought the Ultimate Trucker Cap. It is the Trucker Cap that All Other Trucker Caps Want To Be. If I knew how to post photos, I would totally do it, but I suck ass with computer shit. Anyhatz, it is white with (are you ready?)

 

 

                       Jesus Christ

 

..on it. How Motherfucking sweet is that?? I am totally wearing it all the time, flipping people off in traffic, pretending I have Tourette’s Syndrome  (have you ever done that? The Tourette’s I mean—it’s a complete blast) screaming at random strangers, “Lick your leg for a quarter, baby!” and “Wanna buy some heroin?”. The only thing is now I so have to get one for LaBloggess  to wear at work or just out on the town. (I totally would have bought all they had, but it was the only one left.) Cool, n’est-ce pas?

So have you named the Wonkster yet?  ‘Wonky McVincent” has a nice ring to it and instead of piercing his ear, you could cut one off. Plus, he’s named after family.

 However, here is the tale of the GREATEST NAME IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, I DON’T CARE., THIS IS IT.

So, I’m drivin home from work one summer eve and am crusin thru a funky part of town when all of a sudden this enormous, gigantic black woman comes out on her porch and bellows:

“SPATULA! SPATULA! YOU GIT YO ASS IN THIS GODDAM HOUSE RIGHT NOW! SPATULA! I’M TALKING TO YOU, GIRL! GODDAM IT, SPATULA, DON’T MAKE ME COME GIT YO ASS!”

 I mean, see above in red letter, oh, jesus christ, I am driving all over the fucking sidewalk, over curbs, wetting my pants, diet coke coming out of my nose, choking on cigarette smoke,crying and thinking I was going to have a heart attack. She named her child after, so help me God, a motherfucking COOKING UTENSIL I mean holy fucking shit, what is up with that?  There you have it. The tale of the Best Name Ever.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

Ah, shit, Dude!  Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died yesterday at age 93.  When they put him in the coffin, they put his left leg in. That’s when the trouble started.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Tranny Mess

 

What the fucking hell?  Maybe the goddamned cat WANTED to be all goth and shit….I send this as a warning, so when Mr. Pickles or whatever the hell you decided to call him, gets his shit done, close the curtains. I want to get a teany weany dog, shave its back and tattoo BAD MOTHERFUCKER on it.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

JJJeeeeennnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee.

Whoa! That happened to a friend of mine when we were all hallucinating our fucking asses off on some—er….well, I read this story where some guy I never knew was on DRUGS which we know are BAD, but he was on some blotter acid and was driving his car. Okay, so we know DRUGS are BAD and I TOTALLY NEVER DID ANY but this guy in the story saw a “donkey” in the middle of the road (this was in I read it was in New York where you would never see a fucking donkey in the road) so he thought he was hallucinating and shit, and just kept driving.  Into the motherfucking donkey that was totally standing in the middle of the road.  In New York.  At least that’s what it said.  Sorta.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal  The Acid Queeen I Never Done No Drugs,Officer, I swear, But Why Does Your Head Look Like a Cockatoo

 

Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (my head hit the keyboard—we had a big-ass lunch party and my head is lolling around like a bladder on a stick.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! What the fuck? What is going on with your feet?  Jesus Christ, it sounds like you have Hilary Clinton cankles.  EWWW!  DRUGS FOR LA BLOGGESS, STAT, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now, see if you lived near me, you would totally not have this problem, because I am always PREPARED for emergencies, biatch! Like a hangnail, and you need just 25cc of Chinese black tar heroin, hey! It’s all good!  I don’t know about high school, but as I told my grrlz when they were of age: Mommy is going to know:

1.  What you’re on

2.  How much you have done

3.  Whether you are liking it or not

4.  If you have any for mommy

So, my sweet little 20 year old  comes home the other night and I’m all, “Fuck! Who’s been smoking fucking Thai Stick? I haven’t seen that shit in years!!!”  Well, after I told her as I said before that DRUGS are BAD and you shouldn’t do them, unless you don’t have a choice, and maybe your mother needs to make sure you are smoking only the Very Best Weed, but OKAY CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES, I SO DID NOT SMOKE WEED WITH MY KID. GOT IT? Thankyouverymuch

 

p.s. bite me

 

okay so, jens, I totally know wh…shit! THEY’RE HERE! BASTARDS!

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Totally Needing Bail Money 

 

JJEEEEENNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

DO NOT TAKE THAT SHIT! What the fuck kind of a goddamned doctor do you fucking have anyway???  You need one like mine where I’ll call up and be all, “Hmm. Yes it’s Ms.Kappes and I need refills on my vicodin, valium, dexadrine and dilaudid. Oh, and throw in some more syringes. And some morphine suppositories*  Of course I want them delivered you bitch! Who do you think you are talking to? DO NOT make me come in their with my                                        

          Jesus Christ

 

hat on an get all the fuck up in yo’ grille.”

See if you can get Lyrica-it’s usually for nerve pain, but it’ll give you a decent buzz. Wash them down with brandy.

Sounds like you need some help out there and if I fucking show up, those motherfuckers will be SMOTE! Word.

Looking out for all Your Medical Needs,

 

Dr. Nanola Whitini

 

*oohh, morphine suppositories! You’re high before your finger is out yo’ ass! (A slogan I tried to market to them. Unsuccessfully.  Stupid Bastards.

Oh, yeah. Here is a very olde tricke which I have been playing for years. Before a big party, fill your medicine cabinet with fucking marbles! Yes! Cause you know those spying little dope-fiend friends of yours are totally going to be raiding that shit, right? The fun comes when some sucker opens it up, and…let’s just say it is one of the loudest godamned noises you’ll ever hear. Over your ringing ears, scream, “BUSTED MOTHERFUCKER!” Great party game.

Now you git out there and try to score for some good shit that won’t make hair grow all over you. NO! WAIT!! SEND VICTOR OUT! Yeah, with the kids in the car seats-you ALWAYS get a better deal and better shit when you bring the kids to buy dope. (free tip from me.)

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

 

Okay, I know! We can do like the ole college days when you sent your buddy at Cornell a letter with LTS on it (meaning lick the stamp.) However, my carrier got wind of mah little  trixy and he is now in the Cayuga Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane (it’s just that they had chains strong enough to hold him down.)

What about making tracks on your arm and heading down to Ye Olde Methadone Clique? WAIT! What is wrong with this picture?? I’m tellin ya, make fucking Victor do something besides bitch like a white chick all the time. HEY! VICTOR! PUSSY-MAN! YEAH, I’M TALKIN TO YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU’RE THE GODDAMNED MAN OF THE FAMILY, NOW PUT THOSE KIDS IN THE BACKSEET AND GO GET YOUR WIFE SOME MOTHERFUCKING DRUGS ALREADY.! Jesus. Didn’t your mama tell you how to act like a MAN??

You Better Stay The Fuck Away From My Area Code,

 

Nancy

 

And before you ask, yes.  I did ask Nancy for permission to publish these and I even offered to change her name or block out the law firm she works for.  Her response: 

 

Fuck, Woman, you don’t even need to block shit! My Thank-You-Baby-Jesus Ex-husband’s name was “Philip Miles” and he goes by “Big Fat Fucking Dumb Ass-Hat Motherfucker” I mean “P. Miles” and he actually got a letter from someone addressed to “Piles Krappes.” As God is my witness, baby; don’t make me do that goddamned Scarlett O’Hara Turnip Scene. I’d send you the actual envelope (hells, yes, I kept it!) but it has snot all over it where I was laughing my guts out.  What the fuck, post it. Everyone at works knows I am an alcoholic drug addict with a big, fat smart-ass fucking mouth who will put a cap in yo ass if y’all fuck about with me. Besides, how much do you think a skanky ho with a “Jesus Christ” trucker cap could get an hour? Fucking tons! “Hey Buddy! You want Jesus to suc….oops. I better have a nice tall glass of shut the hell up right now. See? Even for me some things are untouchable.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal Unemployed Drunken Slut Junkie 

 

Comment of the day: I think she’s real. And also a Rage Against the Machine fan. I found this review she wrote

Grandmother-to-be-Gets-Wish Fulfilled
By Nancy the Oldest Rage Fan in the World from Indianapolis, Indiana on 8/27/2007

“Yes, this old soon-to-be (next week) Grandmother, fulfilled a long-time dream to be able to experience a Rage Against the Machine Concert. “D***!” said Nancy W. Kappes, who drove from Indianapolis with her daughter (19 yrs-not the pregnant one) “If we had Rage Against the Machine in the 60’s we would have blown up even more stuff! Viva Zapata” The 53 year-old (who only looks 29!) now just needs to hold her grandbaby and she can die in peace! Thank you, Rage Against the Machine! The very old woman also suggested it would be a good thing for the band to stay together or she would, “Come back and haunt the you-knnow-what out of you! And it won’tbe pretty!” ~ delia

163 thoughts on “Nancy W. Kappes is the greatest letter writer ever

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I gotta get one of them hats!

    Just wear it around the house waiting for mormons or jehovah’s witnesses…

    and when they come a-knockin’, I open the door with it on… they think they hit the jackpot… then I ask them if they wanna lick peanut butter out of my- oh no you didn’t!

  2. I am from Kansas and at my old elementary school I heard a mother yelling “Sha-theed, Sha-theed!” trying to get her kid’s attention. Thinking that was an interesting name, I turned and looked. The child was wearing one of those screen printed shirts with his name on the back… and are you ready for this? It said… SHITHEAD. No lie. Shithead – and you blend the “th” so you pronounce it “Sha-theed”.

  3. I echo the sentiments — Nancy W. Kappes, get ye a blog! I’ll help you set the damn thing up and will be the first to subscribe!

    And I’m totally psyched to try your marbles in the medicine cabinet party trick. Awesome.

    You one rad chick.

  4. You have too much fun. Or she does. Or we do.

    And yeah, she needs a book contract. Or a talk show or something.

    magpie’s last blog post..Snow

  5. You + Me + Nancy (vodka and barbituates) = best threesome God ever made.

    Oh yeah, baby, God will be watching! Maybe we should all wear JESUS CHRIST caps during our threesome?

  6. Separated at birth.

    One thing I am cocerned about is that you may be channeling “Nancy” to clear out all of your unpublished blogs. Usually, when there is a simple and ordinary explanation for something I suspect an elaborate ruse. I especially think it would be a great way to get your frustrations out on your husband by blaming old “Nancy”

  7. “Judy Garland Trail Mix.” Brilliant! And RIP Larry LaPrise. Who knew someone actually wrote “The Hokey Pokey?”

    I learn so much from this blog.

  8. “Fuck me running” is my catchphrase of 2009. Fuck me running, it’s only 8 pm and I’m already shitfaced!

    Love and nice weekends,
    me

  9. I think I have found my new best friend. Please continue to share. I HAVE to know what happens next.

  10. Two things:
    1) Nancy needs her own blog. Hell yes. And the banner should have that hat in it.

    2) How this for a name: my sister and her husband were at the movies in Philadelphia when a child ran down the aisle past them followed by his mother, who was shouting: “Isosceles! You come back here! I do not wanna sit down front!”

    –V’s last blog post..Fair warning

  11. I have tried to convince her she needs a blog but so far it’s fallen on deaf ears. And yes, she totally exists and is not just a figment of my imagination. Her email address is from the law firm she works for. Nancy W. Kappes = Awesomeness.

  12. You need to start publishing her letters on a regular basis. That is the funniest shit I have ever read.

  13. HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    JENNNNNNNNN…. MY head just hit the keyboard from laughing hysterically.

  14. ok-first of all, I hope Nancy’s kids realize how totally fucking wickedly awesome their mom is. Secondly, can you have a weekly guest post from Nancy? She could be your side-kick. Like Silent Bob and Jay- only funny. Fucking marbles in the medicine cabinet. Genus. Except I really hope none of my rich suburban friends read this. I dont want to get busted or my score.

  15. Lady Chablis Nancy is a hoot! Please tell her that you will find her thank-you-jesus-Ex MIL and tell her that Nancy would like to patch things up with her. That will either start another Grey Goose binge or another string of emails — either way, we’re all winners.

    Dingo’s last blog post..Ice, Ice Baby (Seals)

  16. OMG! Wherever you found Ms. Nancy W. Kappes, I want the hookup cause I gots to get me one! Thanks to you and Nancy I’m out of special-reserve-just-for-reading-blogs-Depends. Fuck, is it payday yet?

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Tagged By Weirdness

  17. Woah. That was awesome. I’m totally working on a paralegal certification and need to find a lawfirm that will hire my cranky/unexperienced/crazy ass – I should work with her. Have her people call my people and offer me piles of money (or at least a drinking buddy).

    Kate’s last blog post..Adventures in (fake) parenting…

  18. I think she’s real. And also a Rage Against the Machine fan. I found this review she wrote…

    Grandmother-to-be-Gets-Wish Fulfilled
    By Nancy the Oldest Rage Fan in the World from Indianapolis, Indiana on 8/27/2007

    Pros:
    Crowd Was In To It, Engaging Stage Presence, Great Encores, Great Lighting, Great Sound, Perfect Set List

    Best For:
    Everyone

    Yes, this old soon-to-be (next week) Grandmother, fulfilled a long-time dream to be able to experience a Rage Against the Machine Concert. “D***!” said Nancy W. Kappes, who drove from Indianapolis with her daughter (19 yrs-not the pregnant one) “If we had Rage Against the Machine in the 60’s we would have blown up even more stuff! Viva Zapata” The 53 year-old (who only looks 29!) now just needs to hold her grandbaby and she can die in peace! Thank you, Rage Against the Machine! The very old woman also suggested it would be a good thing for the band to stay together or she would, “Come back and haunt the you-knnow-what out of you! And it won’tbe pretty!”

  19. Ok, and I thought you were the only one who could make me spray Pepsi out of my nose! She either needs to get her own blog or you need to start a little corner of your blog just to post her emails on a regular basis. Because, damn that’s funny stuff.

    Andi’s last blog post..Seven Years Ago Today

  20. I like you better Jenny, but I’m crazy into hobos and zombies.

    If you could throw in a shiv and a dead hooker once in a while and maybe even Teen Wolf, I’ll mug a pharmacist for you.

    What I’m asking here is if you could kindly shank a skank. That’s all.

    Betsey’s last blog post..Carry On

  21. Holy effin’ crap I’m laughing so hard my boss may figure out I’m not actually working! Too funny!

  22. Oh. My. God. I love Nancy. I want her email address. I want to move next to her. Seriously funny shit.

  23. Holy Hell is right. I think I sprained something and I am totally pissing of my 9 y/o laughing my ass off and not letting her read it.

    My new signature:

    *oohh, morphine suppositories! You’re high before your finger is out yo’ ass! – Nancy

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..On Marriage and Motherhood

  24. OMG! I thought you were the funniest thing on two wheels…but no, that lady is crazy and funny as hell!

  25. I. LOVE. HER.

    HEY NANCE? BLOG BABY. THOSE WORDS COMIN OUT OF YOUR FINGERS SHOULD BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD! HOLY SHIT BALLS WOMAN, YOU HAVE CREATED YOURSELF A FAN BASE. WE ARE ALL WITH YOU!!! (by that i mean all drunk/on some kind of drugs)
    I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE ABLE TO READ WHATEVER YOU WRITE ON A CONSISTANT BASIS.
    BLOGGESS DARLING, THANK YOU FOR INVITING US INTO THE AWESOME-NESS.

  26. How can I get someone to send me emails like this huh? Don’t be selfish. We all need a little crazy.

  27. Day-um. All I get is emails saying ‘change your font’, ‘your blog is loading slow’, ‘the colours are too bright’, ‘I wish I was as damn awesome as you’

    I need me some Kappes. You think she will stalk me too?

  28. What are all these people going on about? She’s funny, but she’s no Jenny the Bloggess.

  29. Oh, gawd do I want her to come to my blog. She’d sooooo take care of my conservative family who found and outed my blog. They openly disapprove and aren’t talking to me anymore. Gah! They hate my blog, but can’t seem to leave it. I need some psycho biotch like Ms. Nancy to stalk them away. Pretty please Nancy. Scare ’em away from my blog.

    Your worshipper,
    Scout’s Honor

    Scout’s Honor’s last blog post..We’ve come a Long Way, Baby

  30. Not to be a wet blanket, but I guess I don’t find real prescription drug abuse all that hilarious, it’s kind of annoying/sad.

    I’m with #107, she’s no Jenny.

  31. Thank You so much, I have’nt had a laugh like that in way to long. I’m gonna read it all over again. I love an inabler.

  32. Well, I love her. Or you…your other personality…the actual woman from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” (who was The Lady Chablis, btw – and I didn’t even have to Google that, I loved her so much.)

    I don’t care who Ms. Nancy W. Kappes is, I love her, and I want more. Which is not to say that I will limit by one second the amount of time that I’m here with you, Jenny (may I call you Jenny?). I’ll just give up something else to make the extra time. Y’know…like doing the dishes. Seriously, my DH is very understanding.

    Ri’s last blog post..…so….um….er…

  33. “JJEEEEENNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    DO NOT TAKE THAT SHIT! What the fuck kind of a goddamned doctor do you fucking have anyway??? You need one like mine where I’ll call up and be all, “Hmm. Yes it’s Ms.Kappes and I need refills on my vicodin, valium, dexadrine and dilaudid. Oh, and throw in some more syringes. And some morphine suppositories* Of course I want them delivered you bitch!”

    May be the best paragraph I’ve ever read. She is the bomb!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Slowly Restocking

  34. Grey goose when she’s flush .. I gotta use that one, in my case its Svedka when I’m flush and McCormack’s when I’m not. You definately hit the jackpot when Ms Kappes hit the send key.

  35. Hey, it is 2:30 in the morning, I’m at Blissdom, I can’t sleep, my husband WAS sleeping and snoring loudly until I almost “bust a gut” laughing. That shit is hilarious. Why does this person not have a blog? Have you asked her? Oh shit, that’s funny. I totally didn’t read the other posts to see if you’ve already answered this…sorry, I have 800 reads in my feed reader, think I can get through them if I quit commenting on posts? ACK…sorry if someone already asked.

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..I’m at Blissdom….are you here yet

  36. I think you’re totally out of a job now Jenny. Even Forrest can’t save you now. If somebody put both of you in the same room I think the universe would implode. Or God would condemn our entire race of species to extinction since the shit that would come out of your mouths would be so blasphemous as to scare even him, he who has seen everything. Or has this meeting already happened?

    Julia’s last blog post..My Husband is Strange

  37. oh man, I want me some Judy Garland trail mix…do they have that at whole foods? trader joe’s???? Cosco????

  38. I am hardly able to see my keyboard through the tears of laughter. Thank you for giving those letters the voice of “the lady Chablis”. It would have been funny without, but that was class A comedy genius. I hope she doesn’t keep her Judy Garland Trail Mix where the Lady Chablis would “hide her candy”.

  39. I wonder if she would adopt me. I’m full grown and financially independant already… plus, I’d share my xanax.

    I was in your fine city this past week for the Oil and Gas Expo. Maybe you notcied a bunch of geeky people running around?

    Sabine’s last blog post..Obama Llama Ding Dong

  40. Holy shit, I love her. I want to be Nancy when I grow up.

    Plus, you get the coolest emails from your readers ever. All I ever get is “How do you get the Twitter thingy on the side of your blog” and “I think you talk about drinking too much”.

    Zak’s last blog post..Weekend Review: Jerks And Bicycles

  41. That’s right folks… this crazy bitch is my mother. I think she’s ready to publish, but she’s hesitant… HELP ME CONVINCE HER!!

    <3 the middle-finger-wielding 20 yr old

  42. I read this post on the 6th and got a headache from laughing so hard.. I’m back for more, I just had to read this again.. I really need some of what she takes!!

  43. This is, by far, my favorite blog post I’ve ever read. I’ve sent it to all my friends and family, because I had to share this with everyone I know. I think I’m also going to put this in my company’s newletter next month.

  44. I want her to be my aunt. You know, that crazy foul-mouthed aunt who lives out of state, but when you go to visit her you know you’re in for a ridiculously good (drunken) time.

    Diana’s last blog post..One Million Pages

  45. I’ve known Nancy as well as the entire family dynamic for decades; believe me, she isn’t expressing nearly the half of it. To equate her loveliness and brilliance to the foolish Lady Chablis does her an immense disservice. Count your blessings, kids to have the opportunity to discover what maturity can, and should be!

  46. I just happened to stumble on the info that Nancy passed. I knew her back in the mid 90’s when I was in high school. She was pretty damn cool and I was sad to see that she’s no longer with us. She was wild, crazy and very interesting to say the least.

  47. Jeepers! People already think I’m crazy for laughing uncontrollably in public as I sneakily read your blog.
    THIS did not help … but thanks, Nancy is a hoot!

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