Now I just need to find someone who sells human skin

in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, Just sad, no one thinks this is funny but me, NOT dismembered baby feet, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of talking to someone and I’ll be all “HOLD ON. I have to write something down because if I don’t I’ll forget it forever and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant” and then they sit there in my office looking at me uncomfortably while I spend two minute typing furiously and then I’m all “DONE!” and they’re all “So…what did you just write?” and I look at it and realize that it’s the sort of thing that should never actually be shared so I say “Oh, something about servers and, you know…process analysis?” and they’re all “Then why did you ask me how to spell ‘labia’?” and then I pretend they aren’t there anymore and they leave. Then later I think I should go back to delete it but I can’t because I never delete anything I write so I have 187 draft blogs that are just one paragraph of stuff that even I look at and go “Fuckin-A, I need help”.  Like this post I wrote and never published last month:

I think newborn babies are kind of gross.  They’re adorable like 2 weeks later when they start looking normal but babies fresh out of the womb are all new-boiled and look like something that had to be forcibly removed from your body.  Because they are. And everyone else thinks that newborn babies are the cutest things ever but no one ever thinks other things you had removed from your body are cute and the only thing that really separates babies from other organs are skin.  Hence, if you were to remove your gallbladder and immediately cover it with skin then it would be cuter than week-old baby.  I haven’t checked the math on this but I’m pretty sure it works and also my horoscope says “If others can’t see what you’re proposing is the coolest thing since the ipod, don’t sweat it.  Persevere!”  And that’s why I’m going to start wrapping skin on medical waste and selling it directly to customers. 

And then I’ll look at the post again and I’ll be all “This bitch is gettin’ published” and but then right before I publish it I’ll read it again and I’m like “The hell?  I need more medicine”. Now I’ve read it four times and honestly I can’t even tell what I was trying to say. Basically I’m just posting this so that everyone who’s all “Why don’t you write something every day?” can know that there’s a lot of total shit just like this that never gets published and you should probably thank me for not making you read it.

UPDATED: Wait. I just read it a fifth time and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant.

UPDATED AGAIN:  No.  No, it’s not.

PS.  Meth is a miracle drug and I highly recommend it.  It’s like getting healed by Jesus except that instead of leprosy I had arthritis and instead of being healed I’m just too high to notice the pain.  Also, I haven’t slept in 4 days and last night I vaccuumed my cats.  I FEEL AWESOME.

Comment of the day: Newborn babies are completely gross. When I visited my best friend in the hospital the day she gave birth to her daughter, I was holding the baby and kissed her on the cheek, and then later my friend is like, ‘I’m going to give her her first bath later’, and I was like ‘what? Hasn’t she already been washed??’ and my friend was like, ‘no, she’s fresh out’. And then I gagged and vomited in my mouth a little bit because I basically kissed my best friend’s uterus juice and that shit is not cool. ~ FruGal

133 thoughts on “Now I just need to find someone who sells human skin”

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  3. You’re pretty brave for saving all that stuff, although the organ stuff is pretty brilliant, but I’m one of the ones that also thinks newborns are creepy (probably because I’ve never spawned). I re-read my unpublished posts and am like “Holy shit, I’m even embarassed that MYSELF is reading this right now”.

    bluestreak’s last blog post..It might just be my imagination.

  5. Finally, someone has the guts to speak the truth about newborn babies, despite the wrath of mommybloggers everywhere. I am now standing on my chair, just like they do in movies like “Dead Poet’s Society” to show my solidarity in the face of the opposition. I will go even one step further. Babies are pains in the asses, and sort of yucchy, until they are four or five years old. C’mon, seriously women of the internet, would you DATE a guy who crapped in his pants, didn’t work, and just wanted to suck on your tits all day? That is exactly what a baby is all about. It is time for you to accept the truth.

    Jenny, you are a born leader.

    Neil’s last blog post..The Top of the Bookcase

  6. I’m a mom and I will admit that babies do look a little like a wrinkled old man at birth until their features come in, but because it’s a baby, they can ‘pull it off’ in a “cute” way. Um, did that make any sense at all?

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Go Away Cupid!

  7. Um, yeah. My MIL keeps harping on me to have kids and I’m all like “um, I work, go to school, pee and sleep. And you want me to add a tiny, screaming, angry, wrinkled little person to the mix? No thank you!”

    And really, when you visit them in the hospital, babies are kind of gross. I have no faith that one little baby wipe managed to get off 9 months of uterus. You know uterus is like baby oil. It soaks in and is going to take WAY more than a little wipe down to get it off. No thanks, no holding my friend’s uterus slime…….

  9. Didn’t I warn you that you’d be high after you snorted all seven pills?

    I used to take that stuff out of people (dead people) for a living. We kept a lot of it in pretty jars, so we could share the joy.

    You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a liposuction bottle after surgery.

    The Mother’s last blog post..I Got to Say I Told You So…And I Liked It!

  10. O Captain, my Captain!

    Babies are NOT cute after they just made the trip out the vagina. But I feel the need to say so to my friends because they just gave birth and I can only imagine the pain and horror they went through and saying the baby’s cute seems more appropriate than saying congratulations on pushing out such an ugly watermelon.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Star Trek and Monty Python

  11. When I had my baby, I was going to send out announcements that stated that “the cutest alien prune ever was just born.” But my grandma got a little upset about that, and then, lo and behold, I actually thought my baby was cute, so I didn’t. But I totally know what you mean.

    Stacia’s last blog post..Growing the family

  12. Just as kittens turn into cats, babies turn into teenagers and then you’re really fucked.

    And, I’m pretty sure you can’t make mittens out of them.

  16. They can surely look wholly weird.

    Oh, but the way the smell!

    (as soon as the blood and stuff has been rinsed off)

    New baby smell – Its like new car smell, only better, like an organic car made in heaven.

    I used to get high on sniffing that smell. Don’t know how it would mix with meth, though.

    Christian Jakobsen’s last blog post..Bravo Bale!!

  18. Newborns are terribly gross, and I have the pictures — and the emotional/mental scars — to prove it. You should see the weird thing growing on my kid’s upper lip. And I love scrapping the poop out from under his balls everytime he has a blowout. Ahh, the miracle of life!

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Blog Suicide

  20. My cat won’t be in the same room with a vacuum. So I use the clothes/lint roller on him. Works like magic, but without the noise and claws in your leg.

    I once posted about trimming my bush. So… no shame in your post; really.

  21. I totally agree, and kudos for you having the balls to say it. Human babies are not cute! They’re like the one baby animal that I do not want to cuddle. Baby ducks, check. Baby puppies, check. Real babies, I just tell the moms I’m afraid I’ll drop them. Plus, babies can sense fear. Even Angelina Jolie, (who I don’t even like, but who obviously is pro-kid, so maybe her opinion holds some status) called her daughter, ‘a little blob.’ Of course everyone hated on her, but at least she was being honest.

    Prosy’s last blog post..Working for a Living

  22. A followup on this: thanks to a newborn, my mom has her big toe. She got gangrene in her toe and had to have a partial amputation. The skin they used to graft over the wound came from a newborn’s foreskin. That’s pretty gross, if you ask me. And pretty existential, considering a newborn can be gross outside of its own body. My mom is amused by the whole thing — she likes to joke she now has a bigger dick than my dad!

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Blog Suicide

  23. Y’know what’s scary? I think like you write.

    Seriously, I’m amazed by how often my stream of consciousnesses (that’s what I call them. Yeah, I know it should be “streams” but I’m a nonconformist) mirror your posts. (Except that my husband’s name isn’t Victor. I have an Uncle Victor, but it’s totally not the same.)

    Problem is, I’m way too lazy to write them down. So, if I had even an iota more hutzpah, I’d have written this fabulous blog first. Except for the Dead Hobo Fingers – I’m pretty sure I’d have never come up with anything that awesome.

    Hey…that’s a pretty good source for “wrapping skin” – hobo fingers! ‘Course, it would come off in small patches, so you’d have to sew them together…like, maybe a quilt. “Medical Waste lovingly wrapped in a Custom made, Handstitched Hobo Finger Skin Quilt”.

    Dude – you could totally sell that on Etsy dot com.

    Ri’s last blog post..I love Larry David.

  24. You’re so funny. I agree with you about newborns–I actually think up until babies stop needing formula is when they’re cute. Because formula smells disgusting especially when it comes back up all over clothes, skin, and burp cloths. Also I really think people should give tumors a shot–because really they’ve got a lot of personality–I think they could be just as cute as a newborn.

    gingela5’s last blog post..I Heart {Dog} Faces…

  27. Newborns are gross, agreed, but um skin on gallbladders and such, that’s where the meds kicked in (or out). I would say seek therapy, but first of all, therapy didn’t do shit for me, and we’re along the same lines of twisted (I just keep a tighter lid on my twisted), so you’re screwed as far as the whole therapy angle. I’d say seek better meds, but next you’ll be vacuuming Victor, and after everything else, that might well be the straw that makes him get a restraining order. You could find someone to read those paragraphs who could give you an unbiased opinion~ not sure where, but ya know, it’s worth investigating. Aside from that…just don’t know

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Where Is My Sign

  28. I kinda laughed when you talked about fisting, and thought you were just quirky when you shared your thoughts of ‘kitten mittens’ but the skin wrapped around Kleenex boxes-now that is just brilliance.

    traci’s last blog post..I Hate It When Wednesday

  30. I work in a rheumatologist’s office…something tells me that I need to stock up on some of this meth you’ve been raving about. My cats could use a good vaccuuming.

    Kate’s last blog post..25.

  31. I see why you go back and forth between “brilliant” and “no, no it’s not.”

    Your sample of a saved draft is kind of like one of those prizes you used to get in Cracker Jack – remember the fat little pictures with the plastic diffraction grid on them that changed from an image of a smiling clown riding a unicorn to an image of a unicorn plunging his magical horn into the clown’s skull depending on the angle you were holding it?

    Your paragraph is just like one of those, except you don’t need a diffraction grid to see two different things, which is some kind of medical miracle because even the technology wizards at Dreamworks can’t figure out how to give us 3D without requiring us to wear dorky plastic glasses that probably are never cleaned and therefore are responsible for the spread of lice in Select Theaters Only.

    Hey, this gives me an idea. You should type up all 187 draft posts on a really tiny computer and print them out on an equally tiny printer and send them to the Cracker Jack people so they can start including them as prizes.

    I mean, that would be great, right? Instead of, “Hey, I got a picture of a clown riding a unicorn. What the fuck? How come the picture doesn’t change when I tilt it? And where are all the candy coated peanuts? Cracker Jack has really lost its vision,” children of all ages would be saying things like, “I’m gonna totally get me some skin to wrap on medical waste! Cracker Jack rocks! And where are my fucking candy coated peanuts?” and the world would be a happier place.

    Just the possibility of getting a Bloggess Draft Blog prize in a box of Cracker Jack would increase sales a thousandfold. You would totally save the Frito Lay corporation from bankruptcy.

    It’s like those 187 blogpost drafts are your snack food bailout fund.

  32. This? Is exactly why when my husband said to me the other day, “the inside of your head must be a strange place.” I was all, “Oh really, because I bet I could show you something that would blow your mind.”

    And if I can figure out how to show him the inside of your mind without you know, cutting your head open and wrapping your brain in skin, then I’ll type it up and send you a proposal and maybe we can sell the story.

    I dunno. I’m just throwing it out there.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..From The Legal Department

  33. 1) When they wrap newborns in blankets and they twich and jerk around I always thought it looked like a scakful of maggots. Does that make me a bad person. Yeah, I thought so.

    2) I have a friend who vacuums his cat. Or at least did it once. Apparently this was a long-time goal of his. He’s a bit strange but not obviously mentally ill. Maybe there should be a cat-vacuumers club or something.

  35. What a post. And the comments are definitely turned up to 11 today. Jenny, you have a way of bringing out the CRAZY in people.

    When my fist kid was born, I was NOT seeing the beauty. Babies are hideous and angry. When the nurse said she was beautiful I knew she was either lying (must be a job requirement) or talking about someone else.

  36. Really? Because the last time I vaccuumed an animal it made me kind of anxious. But then I wasn’t high on meth. Just high on life. And hydrocodone. But mostly life.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..Mush Mouth

  38. I totally this deserved to make the cut because it addresses current issues (ugly babies), cutting edge science (skin covered organ huggables) and porn (labia). That’s like a power crystal of awesome. You should throw this blog into the snow of the North Pole and then go live in the ice castle that grows from it.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Total Man Formula

  40. Vacuuming the cat is brilliant so that has to count for something. And my mother used to vacuum the cat, so does that mean she was on Meth? Because that would explain so much – I can’t wait to confront her at our next family get together – this family dinner is going to have the best knock ’em/sock ’em slamdown EVER – BOOYAH – IN YOUR FACE MA!

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..place holder with wrist support

  41. Meth (aka Medrol) IS quite the miracle drug. I have RA too (I give a big WTF to my 35 year old body) and it helped immensely, as I was in so much pain I was not really able to function (except reading your blog, of course). Sadly, when the medrol ended, the pain came back and I ended up on a more steady dose of predinsone. Which also helps, but dear god the hair loss! Stupid steroid side effects. I keep waiting for the side effects like “inappropriate happiness”, but so far…NADA.

  43. Here’s why everyone thinks newborn babies are “cute.” Pregnant women are by definition batshit crazy. 9 months of messed up hormones will do that to a person. So when they push this little turd out, their brain tells them that it’s adorable, because if it doesn’t, they will go crazy from the realization that they just gave 9 months of their lives and 6 hours of agony for this ugly little thing, and are now stuck with it. In turn, everyone who sees the baby must agree that it’s the cutest baby ever, because if they don’t the mother will personally rip their eyeballs out and shove them down their throat. Thus the myth that newborn babies are cute is carried on. And I die a little inside.
    Keep up the great work. Even your absolute crap fills me with glee!

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Seven Reason Smackdown-Part 2

  44. My grandmother used to tell her children not to mail her pictures of their ugly newborn babies. Her advice to me was not to take a single photograph until three months after the birth (of my hypothetical future children). She had 18 kids, so I consider her the authority on the subject.
    Anyway, apparently other people don’t get this type of memo from their grandparents. I once worked with a women that covered the inside and outside of her cubicle with pictures of her her 4 week old baby. It was like a damn Benjamin Button exhibit!

  47. Babies look like 90 year old wrinkly people when they come out and they are covered in vagina vomit. So yeah nothing cute there. Your post reminded me of when I had my tumor removed and the doctor gave me a picture of it and suggested I use it for my Christmas card picture. I wonder if it had skin would it be more festive for Christmas?

    One thing though, I noticed your lack of using the word VAGINA in this post, cutting Back???

    Jenn’s last blog post..Frosty Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

  48. I hate to say it … but I agree with you … newborns aren’t cute. They turn into cute but for the beginning days … not so much.

    Do you think you’ll sell the skin covered medical waste on ebay or do you think craigslist might be a better fit?

  50. I don’t think your idea will work. I got a big blister on the palm of my hand from breaking up ice on my sidewalk this weekend. The blister popped and really hurt. A few days later it was still hurting (raw flesh and all that), so this morning I put some NuSkin stuff on it. It stung like a bee stingy my tongue. Now, it hurts, looks like newborn baby skin and I have this incredible urge to peel off this “new skin” like when I was a kid and would let elmar’s glue dry on my hand and peel it off pretending it was real skin.
    So, I think if you started selling livers covered in skin, people would just try to peel the skin off and then bitch at you cuz there was no warranty and the liver doesn’t work anymore.

    andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz for the week 2009-02-01

  53. Calm down. It’s not meth, it’s steroids. And the next thing you may be pushing out of your body will probably be a penis. But, there is an upside. There will be a spot for you on the East German swim team.

  54. First you impress us minions with the kitten mittens idea…I had a dream about “cat finger gloves”, and using their leg holes for finger holes? My kids say that finger gloves are bitchin’. But then I realized that you would be missing a hole for your thumb unless you used the anus so I shelved that proposal until I could figure out something better…but I totally give you props for the mitten thing-y. Brilliant…keeping people’s hands warm, while @ the same time recycling. And now we’re BOTH talking about leprosy? Great minds dude, great minds.

    Andy’s last blog post..@ least girls gone wild can’t kill you

  59. I don’t know why anyone expects something that is squeezed out of that particular area to be instantly adorable. Have you people gotten a close look at a vagina lately? It looks like an inside-out squid. Wow- I’m sorry for that visual you just had.

  60. Newborn babies are completely gross. When I visited my best friend in the hospital the day she gave birth to her daughter, I was holding the baby and kissed her on the cheek, and then later my friend is like, ‘I’m going to give her her first bath later’, and I was like ‘what? Hasn’t she already been washed??’ and my friend was like, ‘no, she’s fresh out’. And then I gagged and vomited in my mouth a little bit because I basically kissed my best friend’s uterus juice and that shit is not cool.

    FruGal’s last blog post..How to find a job in a recession

  61. My husband looked at me as though I had lepresey the other day because I told him to F*ck Off and that I wouldn’t stop blogging. I even asked him why he was looking at me like a leper. He had no response. Or it could have been the huge zit on my chin.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..My Tax Return

  63. I hate when you have a friend who has a baby and it really isn’t all that cute. Then they are like OMG isn’t this the cutest thing you ever did see?! And then you’re all like…It’s a BAAABYYY!!! Cause that’s the only thing you can say.

    Lorelei’s last blog post..The thoughts of a 10 year old Lorelei

  65. Actually, I’ve learned quite a lot from this. I’ve never really pretended that someone wasn’t there when they actually were. I just did it now and VIOLA! There gone. You must be some kind of wizard.

    Chris’s last blog post..The Towel I See But Cannot Use

  66. Why does it frighten me, only slightly, that I completely see your point and am in agreement with you on the whole newborn baby thing? Hmmmm…..

  67. I can’t even come up with a coherent comment when I’m here because I’m usually wiping something off my screen or my chin after reading.

    PS-Can you come vacuum my cat, cause she all matted from the tumor or some other disease and is too old and tired to groom, but not too old or tired enough to pee on any soft object that is left on the floor (or our vents).

    PPS–Old, tired cats suck.

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..Home on Fumes

  69. C’mon you know you thought your kids was wrinkly and funny looking but the awesomest looking baby ever!
    I too thought the same thing about my kids. But then I look back at their newborn/3 day old picture and I’m kinda like…hmm…they were kinda funny looking.

    WM’s last blog post..And now a kid friendly giveaway…

  71. You are totally like that guy from Silence of the Lambs. The one who wanted skin. Not the one who liked to drink chianti with livers. Although maybe you want to do that too.

    This is what meth does to people.

    Just say NO, Jenny!

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..The Sorrow of Puppyless Girls

  72. Ever notice how little baby animals are cute?

    Cute kitten.

    Cute puppy.

    Cute elephant.

    Cute human…not so much.

  73. One of my Dad’s favorite stories about my early life is that when they brought my newborn self out of the delivery room to show him, he said,
    “That’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It looks like an orangutan.”

    Thanks Dad! Good to meet ya’!

    China’s last blog post..More wasted sarcasm

  76. I have a strong intuition that some idea even greater than the iPod is just on the verge of coming together in this blog. Right now, it’s kind of hard to see exactly where it’s going appear …

    skin covered medical waste? kitten mittens? vaccumming cats? gall bladders? labias? new born babies?

    There some link between all this stuff, but it’s just out of reach of my poor brain … it’s infuriating!

    Ian Peatey’s last blog post..Lament for my world

  78. People seem to agree that newborns are NOT cute but baby bunnies and duckies ARE cute.

    So what the market needs is “Infant Fur’n Feather Onesies.” With matching hoodies and leggings. To cover up the wreckage with cute until the babe creates cute of her own.

    Pitch it to Guy. I’ll get Target to add it as a default Shower Registry item, and ka-pow. Golden.

    deb on the rocks’s last blog post..She blinded me with science, but, hey, can’t you smell that smell?

  79. It is a good thing you don’t post every day. Whenever you do post I hurt myself laughing. I need your days off to heal.

    My insurance company does not want me to read you anymore,

  81. Wait! I just had an idea. Does this concept work for other things?

    Like dead hookers. What can I wrap a dead hooker in to make her look cute? Or at least less like a dead hooker I may or may not be burying in the desert?

    Any thoughts? I figure this is the place to turn.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Yeah, I’m having THAT day

  82. My friend’s sister had a baby this weekend, and I quote “He’s beautiful! Or, he will be beautiful. He has a huge conehead right now.”

    Also, other than that, I don’t even know what to say to you.

    Bridget’s last blog post..I just pooped my pants

  83. Actual phone conversation between myself and my mother after my son was born:
    Me: “Everyone’s doing fine; he was born 7lbs 1oz and has a full head of hair!”
    Her: “Yay! Who does he look like?”
    Me: “Umm… Gollum.”
    She laughed at the time, but later agreed.

    cyniclite’s last blog post..Blogger vs IKEA 2: The returnening!

  84. “Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of talking to someone and I’ll be all ‘HOLD ON. I have to write something down because if I don’t I’ll forget it forever and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant.’”
    I do that, too. Do it all the time when I’m stoned out of my goddamn mind high on Jesus. Except I’m totally shameless about it and I’ll read whatever I just wrote to my 90-year-old grandfather-in-law. Because if he’s around me when I’m stoned he’s obviously partying, too. (My mother isn’t reading this, is she?)

    Actually, now I’m sober all the time because I’m pregnant, but rampaging pregnancy hormones + the effects of puking four hours a day = pretty much the same thing as being baked. And I agree, newborn babies are weird looking. I want mine hurry up and come out; then hurry up and start looking cute, goddammit.

    P.S. I’ve never used XHTML on a blog comment before, so it’s entirely possibly that none of my strikethroughs show up and this comment makes no sense. In which case, I blame pregnancy-brain.

  87. True story. I had my gall bladder removed over twenty years ago and my doctor gave me the gallstone in a vial. It looked like a hairy olive. I don’t think covering it with skin would have improved it. I thought it was gross but my husband was fascinated by it. It finally made it to the trash bin. I wonder if it was considered hazardous medical waste? You never read this.

    ms. martyr’s last blog post..Funniest Thing I’ve Seen (so far) Today

  88. My mom once told me that all newborns look like Dwight D. Eisenhower. A few years later I did some research on DDE and sure enough, they do! Well, except me, I looked like a little Asian baby with Downs Syndrome. I am neither Asian, nor have Downs (or any other genetic/developmental disorder) so I think she used the DDE reference to make me feel better. It didn’t.

  90. Hopefully you’re better off than those ppl in “Jesus Christ Superstar” who were all “See my skin, I’m a mass of blood!” and then gave me nightmares as a kid. Oh! You should find some of those ppl and try to sell them skin-covered appendixes. Just get your local leper colony on the horn, they’ll hook you up with some clientele.

    carolinemichelle’s last blog post..Realizations, with a touch of dyslexia

  93. I write insane amounts of stuff too but the stuff that doesn’t make it to the blog is the result of my husband vetoing it and deleting it from my drafts section. Like the time I mentioned his mom (in the nicest of ways because I love her – she is far superior to the MIL I had the first time around) and truthfully, I knew it was a bit over the full disclosure line even for me (even for you and that would be something, eh?).

    annie’s last blog post..It’s (semi)Official: Only the Middle Class Pays Their Taxes

  94. Meth? Ehh, it’s overrated. Freebrasing crank through the exhaust pipe of ’72 Ford Pinto…while it’s running. It’s like Meth XR. You won’t just vacuum the cat, you’ll clean them with varnish stripper. The only drawback is having to avoid acidic food since it aggravates the burn marks left on your lips.

    If you’re looking for a good deal on human skin, there’s guy off of the Beltway and 288 in a vacant lot just after the light. It looks like he’s selling polyester oriental rugs and novelty towels like the Pittsburgh Cardinals, but just say ‘epidermis makes us squirm-es’ and he’ll bring out the stash he keeps in the back of his ’88 Silverado.

    CK Lunhbox’s last blog post..Death Wish

  95. A few nights ago I TRIED to vacuum my cats. One ran away and hid in the dishwasher. The other one clawed its way over my shoulder – I was holding it at the time – but, finding nowhere to go, clawed its way back down my front and to my bum from which it jumped and ran to join the other (much cleverer) cat. I was bleeding from everywhere a woman is known to bleed. Except my vulva.

    Great minds think alike. Although I did not have to ask my co worker how to spell vulva so perhaps mine is greater. On the other hand, you aren’t scarred for life by your scared shitless cat. I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT THEY’D LOOK LIKE WITHOUT HAIR.

    Owl and the Grapes’s last blog post..Tight Fit

  96. See this post right here???? This is why I come here!!! You had me cracking up with the whole….”The Hell?? I need more medicine.”
    giggle…snort….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
    You rock.
    dawn

    dawn’s last blog post..On quilting……

  99. I swear, this is the kind of thing that I try to read out loud to my husband but I’m laughing to hard to speak. But he gets the gist anyway and is laughing so hard that he can’t hear me and the whole thing just devolves into a laugh fest. Thank you for that.

    And I am glad to hear that I’m not the only person who thinks that fresh babies are a little icky.

    And maybe you could cut a deal w/ Dexter. He could harvest skin for you. Just a thought.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Is There a Recipe for a Cool Whip Substitute?

  100. Bloggess; I’m a little worried about you. I’ve shared your contact info. with friends / colleagues as the Gilda reincarnation. (She is indeed smiling up upon you.) Although, to be fair, had she had the freedom and venues you have, I would have been worried about her too. So, I retract the worried part and will attempt to read up on “how to understand the contemporary comedian utilizing all of the technology and social media to her own advantage” book. Oh shit, books don’t really exist anymore.

    Tina’s last blog post..More on Aging

  101. Do not see “The Curious Life of Benjamin Button,” especially the first 15 minutes or so. Just trust me on this. If you think “normal” newborns are creepy, you will never, ever be able to sleep again.

    Claire in CA, USA’s last blog post..Trust

  105. when i had my first son, my then-husband was facsinated with the placenta.

    this was before placenta was all fashionable and served on a cracker.

    i was less fascinated with the placenta because some bitch had just pushed on my stomach to make it come out of my vagina, which had coincidentally just birthed a creepy earthling conehead baby with a twelve and a half inch head circumference.

    Lindaloohoo’s last blog post..Oh, the Bermuda Triangle only has THREE sides

  109. P.S. I have my gallstones. I actually made them into a bracelet. Seriously. They came out a golden satiny color about the size of my pinky nail only in 3D. They reminded me of fortune cookies. So my dad drilled tiny holes in them and I strung them together like beads. They gave me like 25 of them, saying they had to keep a few in my medical record? Where do they put that stuff? Do they keep peoples appendix, too? It was amazing how they were all so uniform in size, too. I consider it my most prized piece of jewelery. Very expensive those gallstones!

  111. One piece of advice: don’t ask the high school kids at Taco Cabana to sell you some skin. I’d laugh hysterically hate to hear about you having to register as a sex offender due to continued harrassment of minors at fast food restaurants.

  116. Note to self- Do not read this blog while trying to answer the phone at work. It is very hard to hide hysterical laughter and I am unable to explain the whole Cat-Varnish Stripper connection and why it is so damn funny to my clinical supervisor, who is also an animal super-freak.

    Discarded organs wrapped in skin…not really doing it for me. Now shrink wrapped so I can poke at them and watch the squishiness = fabulous!

  117. There are a few cute newborn babies but they’re few and far between. I think the bigger epidemic is the effed up fugtacular baby problem. Like babies that are 6 months old who look like Chuck E Cheese. That shit is just awful. And I can’t ever lie to the parents, either, and tell them the kid is cute. I’m all, “He looks JUST LIKE YOU!”

    trannyhead’s last blog post..Dear Tranny Head: How to Release Your Inner Biotch

  118. Oh, I forgot! Speaking of fug babies, you have to go to babyvsbaby.com!

    (Sorry, I forgot how to hyperlink so you’ll have to copy-paste, sads.)

  119. Let me know if you find the human skin because I’m getting my gallbladder out next month and we can cover it with the skin, take a picture and then put it up for a vote next to a picture of a newborn. Of course, I probably have a particularly cute gallbladder, so it might not be fair. But let me know, ‘kay? So I can make sure it doesn’t get thrown out by the doctor.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..If I Had Some Disposable Income….

  127. DUDE, so I totally do that when I’m blogging, too. Except I start blogging normal things and then my mind wanders off to the more awesome things that I should be blogging about in the first place. Like the other day I was thinking about Valentine’s Day. VD. There’s a reason why Valentine’s Day is abbreviated VD – it’s gotta be the biggest day of the year for STD rates to skyrocket. It would be AWESOME if we could send the people we hate VD in a box, like Justin Timberlake put is dick in a box a few years ago (yeah, what was up with that?). But then you have to have to get your hands on blood serum so that whatever STD you decided to give was still viable when they opened it. But then when they opened it, they would have to get it into their bloodstream somehow. So you should just give someone a needle filled with cocaine and AIDS so then when they shoot it up they’d get an awful STD and then you could laugh at them and be like ‘take that bitch, that’s what you get for calling me fat in the 8th grade!’. But then you have to go and buy the coke, and that would suck having to take the risk of getting arrested for someone you hate. Except if they did catch you then the government would somehow find out about your VD in a box operation and then you’d be arrested for trying to start biological warfare. And c’mon…that’s TOTALLY worth the risk b/c you’d be in the papers and everyone in the world would know your name, albeit for being a crazy psychopath who tried to wipe out the world with a bigger AIDS epidemic (although it’s all in good faith because you tried to only wipe out the BAD people). You’d be famous AND seek your revenge. It’s a win-win.

    And then I look back to my half-written blog about cats and think about how I need to up my meds again.

    PS, that was the longest. comment. ever. I should just put my blogs on your blogs, because that seems to be the only way that I can get any blogging done.

    PPS, I’m going to med school, too. Doesn’t it scare you that your nasty, fresh out of the womb babies are going to be subjected to treatment by a crazy woman seeking biological warfare? If you’re not, you should be.

    PPPS, I’m just kidding because I would never be able to pull that off since all my student loans prevent me from having the capital I need to buy enough cocaine to feed me and all the baddies in the world.

  131. This makes me feel so much better– I happen to think all newborns look like aliens and I LOVE babies but newborns look like aliens aaaaand so now everyone thinks I’m a horrible person. Except perhaps you.

  132. Babies are basically just parasites.

    Think about it: they are a foreign object feeding from the nutrients within the body, they move about and (ultimate ick factor) you can feel them inside you. It’s like being impregnated by an alien species and you are the host of their alien spawn.

    Then they burst out of you in a fit of screaming and pain.

    Really, who’s doing the PR on this gammit?

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Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.
Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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