Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of talking to someone and I’ll be all “HOLD ON. I have to write something down because if I don’t I’ll forget it forever and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant” and then they sit there in my office looking at me uncomfortably while I spend two minute typing furiously and then I’m all “DONE!” and they’re all “So…what did you just write?” and I look at it and realize that it’s the sort of thing that should never actually be shared so I say “Oh, something about servers and, you know…process analysis?” and they’re all “Then why did you ask me how to spell ‘labia’?” and then I pretend they aren’t there anymore and they leave. Then later I think I should go back to delete it but I can’t because I never delete anything I write so I have 187 draft blogs that are just one paragraph of stuff that even I look at and go “Fuckin-A, I need help”. Like this post I wrote and never published last month:
I think newborn babies are kind of gross. They’re adorable like 2 weeks later when they start looking normal but babies fresh out of the womb are all new-boiled and look like something that had to be forcibly removed from your body. Because they are. And everyone else thinks that newborn babies are the cutest things ever but no one ever thinks other things you had removed from your body are cute and the only thing that really separates babies from other organs are skin. Hence, if you were to remove your gallbladder and immediately cover it with skin then it would be cuter than week-old baby. I haven’t checked the math on this but I’m pretty sure it works and also my horoscope says “If others can’t see what you’re proposing is the coolest thing since the ipod, don’t sweat it. Persevere!” And that’s why I’m going to start wrapping skin on medical waste and selling it directly to customers.
And then I’ll look at the post again and I’ll be all “This bitch is gettin’ published” and but then right before I publish it I’ll read it again and I’m like “The hell? I need more medicine”. Now I’ve read it four times and honestly I can’t even tell what I was trying to say. Basically I’m just posting this so that everyone who’s all “Why don’t you write something every day?” can know that there’s a lot of total shit just like this that never gets published and you should probably thank me for not making you read it.
UPDATED: Wait. I just read it a fifth time and I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant.
UPDATED AGAIN: No. No, it’s not.
PS. Meth is a miracle drug and I highly recommend it. It’s like getting healed by Jesus except that instead of leprosy I had arthritis and instead of being healed I’m just too high to notice the pain. Also, I haven’t slept in 4 days and last night I vaccuumed my cats. I FEEL AWESOME.
Comment of the day: Newborn babies are completely gross. When I visited my best friend in the hospital the day she gave birth to her daughter, I was holding the baby and kissed her on the cheek, and then later my friend is like, ‘I’m going to give her her first bath later’, and I was like ‘what? Hasn’t she already been washed??’ and my friend was like, ‘no, she’s fresh out’. And then I gagged and vomited in my mouth a little bit because I basically kissed my best friend’s uterus juice and that shit is not cool. ~ FruGal