And now for the rest of my life I will have nightmares about rattlesnakes that can fly

Me: Did you see my latest Ask the Bloggess column?

My mother: Oh.  I thought that was just a one time thing.

Me: What? Why would I have a one time advice column?  That would be the worst advice column in the history of the world.

My mother: I thought it was just a one-time joke.

Me: IT IS NOT A ONE-TIME JOKE.  I AM A SERIOUS COLUMNIST.

My mother: Of course you are!  Ha ha!

Me: That wasn’t a joke either.

My mother: Oh.  It’s very hard to tell with you.

Me: *sigh*  I know.

My mother: So you know that big wooden box that your father keeps rattlesnakes in?

Me: Um…what?

My mother: Your father.  He was keeping all his rattlesnakes in that big wooden box behind the taxidermy shop but when we had that last tornado we were afraid to leave the house in case the box had gotten broken and there were snakes everywhere.

Me: Wow. So were there?

My mother: Oh no.  They were all fine.  But we won’t be keeping live rattlesnakes in a rickety wooden box from now on, I assure you. Could you imagine if those rattlesnakes had gotten sucked up inside the tornado?  It would have been flinging live rattlesnakes at people all over the county!   That would be the worst tornado ever.

Me: Why would people be standing outside in a tornado?

My mother: Well.  It’s Texas.

Me: Touché.

Comment of the day: We don’t have tornadoes here in Alaska. Or rattlesnakes. Just earthquakes and bears. Remind me to never keep my bears in a wooden box. Because of the earthquakes and all. ~ Mommica

117 thoughts on “And now for the rest of my life I will have nightmares about rattlesnakes that can fly

Read comments below or add one.

  1. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Wait. Why does your father HAVE rattlesnakes, anyway? I’m not from Texas. I don’t get it.

  2. That’s what Texas needs! Flying rattlesnakes! What better way to keep the Yankees away?

  3. I think that the Firenado is up there with the rattlesnake tornado. We should figure out a way to combine those tornadoes and sell it as a weapon of mass destruction…to Canada, they need help.

  4. I’m adding this to the list of things I miss about Texas – the possibility of flying rattlesnakes. Kidding – just the idea that you can say the craziest-ass-shit and, as long as you tack, “well, it is Texas” on there, it’s ok. That and Cabana’s breakfast tacos. And I’m pretty sure I forgot the intent of this comment, now that I’m all Cabana-dreaming.

    Liza’s last blog post..In which I blame The Bloggess for my eternal damnation

  5. AWESOME!
    Funniest thing I read all week.
    I think I’d be a bit more worried about all the steer wandering around than rattlesnakes, although that WOULD make for an awesome movie! I’m thinking ‘Snakes on a Plain’?

    DavidWright’s last blog post..Welcome to the Inkwell

  6. I think I saw that rattlesnakes-whipped-around-breaking-out-of-their-box-by-a-tornado on the sci-fi channel last fall. I think it starred Lou Diamond Phillips and Traci Lords.

    andy’s last blog post..Undead Dog Dream

  7. Wow! I think I love your mother too! That’s “too” as in “I love you, too”, not “I, too, love her.” Just in case you were worried that my admiration for you had slipped or something.

  8. You can tell I’m from Texas ’cause that TOTALLY makes sense. I didn’t even have to ask why you would keep a box of live rattlesnakes……

  9. I’m torn between horror and hysterical laughter.

    Also you and your mother are the definition of awesome.

  10. There’s nothing like talking to your mother. Mine used to drive me insane, knowing the exact wrong thing to say, but since the dementia set in she’s much more entertaining. Yesterday during church she leaned over and whispered, “Buddha.” Twice. I have no idea why.

    Alison (aka cluckandtweet)’s last blog post..In which I try to talk about designy things and then get all preachy. Also, if this video doesn’t touch you, you have no soul.

  11. That is awesome! And so true, of course, the part about Texans being outside during major storms. I live in Houston, and I may have wandered outside myself during the last hurricane or three. Curiosity killed the cat, perhaps, but somehow I got back in the house in time to avoid an early demise! No flying snakes here, though … we’re really missing out.

    d.g.’s last blog post..SOS

  12. Being from Texas I never blinked an eye at your dad keeping rattlesnakes in a box, but the thought of them flying around is a riot.

  13. We don’t have tornadoes here in Alaska. Or rattlesnakes. Just earthquakes and bears. Remind me to never keep my bears in a wooden box. Because of the earthquakes and all.

    Mommica’s last blog post..Spring is in the air

  14. Jenny,

    I answer sex advice questions and thought you could start doing double duty. That way I can sit around and eat bon bons, or simply have my way with my Naked Garden Slave while you do my work for me. Here’s the latest question:

    I haven’t had sex in a LONG time and now when I use my dildo it hurts. How do I reintroduce the dildo, so that when I start dating again, his penis won’t hurt? ~Jersey

    Can you answer it for me here?

  15. i’m still crackin’ up over this. i lived in tx for 5 years & when i was in denton we would ALWAYS go outside when the sirens went off. never mind that it was a warning, we just had to see what was going on. & to have seen flying rattlesnakes would have been awesome (of course, right before our house was ripped apart). ROFL

    thx liza (#18) cuz now i’m cabana-dreaming too. i miss their quesadillas!

    uthostage’s last blog post..penis doggie, penis doggie, penis doggie…..haha now it’s stuck in your head too!

  16. reading your blog, I think dirty.

    Like, “big wooden box” was literally a vagina.
    And “rattlesnake”… yah, you know where I’m headed on that.

    So, if you answered yes to your mother’s question about knowing which box your father keeps his rattlesnake in, you would have technically been correct in answering yes.

    Debbi’s last blog post..A post of pictures

  17. I thought “now I know where she gets it” but everyone else already said that, so I won’t be so lame. Then I thought, hey, I should blog a conversation w/ my mom so everyone understands me, but then I realized that could be a very bad thing, I should remain mysterious instead of having everyone understand that I’m totally neurotic.

    Elizabeth Potts Weinstein’s last blog post..ElizabethPW: so talked to the city inspector chick, someone complained about the height of the fence/gate (but was not our neighbor). lame!

  18. I used to read all these weird books called things like “Strange But True” about weird stuff that really happened; as a kid I sucked it in but when I became an adult I put off childish ways etc etc & realised it was a load of twaddle.

    It was stupid ridiculous stuff that could never possibly be true that some idiot had made up to sell books to gullible boys, stuff like – damn!- the sky raining rattlesnakes!

    You do realise you’ve fucked up my entire life now? Thanks. Did either of your parents used to write books called things like “Strange But True” by any chance?

    I was in Texas once. Wore a cowboy hat in a urinal, a local mistook me for a Texan,’til I opened my mouth (to speak; I’m not George Michael). I was very proud.

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  19. while I was cleaning the pee off of the floor, I couldn’t help but worry about where your folks were gonna keep their snakes now…

    I will never look at a tornado the same way again…
    (hey I think I saw that movie on SciFi too)

    Sticky’s last blog post..Workin’ for the Man

  20. You are scaring me because more and more I find myself sounding like your mom when I talk to my own daughters instead of the young hip blogger that I imagine myself to be when I forget that I have children the ages of most of y’all young hip bloggers. Because flying tornadic rattlesnakes are so something I would warn my children about.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Easter Leftovers

  21. It would make an even better movie than Twister because when the second rattlesnake came around the dialog would go like this: “Rattlesnake”
    “‘Nother Rattlesnake”
    and they would be right. It would be another rattlesnake.

  22. Wait, is your mother doing your homework for you? Has she been writing this blog all along????

  23. I and my kids stood outside during the hurricane. We had to clear the leaves out of our drains to keep the house from flooding.

    I figure my kids have Bad Mother stories for the psychiatrist for YEARS to come.

    The Mother’s last blog post..Censorship? That’s MY Job

  24. I just make known my love for the underappreciated “That would be the worst tornado ever.” I don’t know why, but the idea of a Texan getting hit in the face with a rattlesnake and angrily shouting out, “Damnit! This is the worst tornado I’ve ever seen! This tornado sucks! Just sucks!” while flinging the snake into the ground makes me laugh for minutes on end.

  25. I heard Samuel L. Jackson is thinking of signing on to “Snakes in a Texas Tornado” as long as his dialogue is peppered with enougg “motherfuckers”. Negotiations motherfucking continue.

    Coco’s last blog post..The Whine List

  26. I lived near Homestead, FL, when Hurricane Andrew hit. My family, a bunch of insane Cubans, thought it was an excellent idea to take 8 year old me outside at midnight of the night it hit, point to the palm trees near the house about to be uprooted, and say “that’s what a hurricane looks like.” It ain’t nothing but a thang when you grow up around it I guess. I still insist that earthquakes are “fun.”

    Angelita’s last blog post..angiewa: I have a very suspicious mole on the side of my left boob. Now would be an excellent time to have/afford health insurance.

  27. This must be a new feature. If anyone wondered where your awesomeness came from, here is the answer.

    I bet your mom birthed you in the middle of a rattlesnake-spewing tornado. She seems like the type.

    And yes, that IS a type.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Mano a womano, eggo a eggo

  28. Good Christ, it’s completely genetic. And here we were all thinking you were this completely awesome one-off aberration.

    Also, Snake-Flinging Tornado should totally be the name of your novel.

  29. The local news would have a field day with Tornado-Flung Rattlers. They already poo themselves when we get golfball size hail, and then send the newest (and the next to leave) reporter to go stand in it for a live shot.

    It’s not enough to pepper-spray the reporter on-air & watch him try not to cuss, now they have to have anti-venom shots before a tornado passes by. I mean, getting footage of a ‘gust-nado’ that tossed a trampoline onto a roof is nothing compared to getting footage of a thick four-foot rattlesnake flying through the air!

    And we wonder why our news teams have a high turnover…

    Heather’s last blog post..Doin’ it my way

  30. And that’s why mothers know best.

    Because they think of everything, including why you should not keep live rattlesnakes in a box outside of your house.

    Natalie’s last blog post..Detachment

  31. To make it a truly terrifying tornado I think it would require…WOLVERINES!

  32. I spent 35 years in Texas (out of 43 and counting) and, yes, a good chunk of the people there really are bat-shit crazy enough to stand outside during a tornado. And I’m sure that number would increase dramatically if they knew it was a rattlernado (Snake-ado? Torsnake-o?) because, how often will you get a chance to see one of those?

    On a different note, the Tex-Mex in Arkansas really sucks.

  33. That is so weird! I keep a box of rattlesnakes in case a tornado hits my house. I waited for almost a year then got impatient and just started throwing them at the neighbors. It just seemed there was never going to be a tornado around when I wanted to see my neighbors scream in terror while watching rattlesnakes fly towards them. Admittedly, the mood strikes me often enough where I could almost always be up for it, so it really just became a matter of getting hit by a tornado when I was home. But tornadoes are rare and unpredictable and simply can’t be relied on for my impulsive entertainment needs, so I had to take matters into my own hands. Anyone in my position would have done exactly the same.

    mayopie’s last blog post..Do not read if you watch Grey’s Anatomy

  34. Great. Just great.

    I thought all I needed to worry about falling from the sky was the space station and asteroids. Now you tell me it’s raining rattlesnakes, too?!

    I think I need some advice. Quick. Please.

  35. I thought the rattlesnakes being flung around imagery related to your advice you’re dispensing in your advice column…?

    Am I right? Am I right?

    What do I win?

  36. What is it about Texas? I was born and raised in Galveston County and I’m still surprised by things like people with snake storage issues. That’s why I was “unsupportive” when my husband’s cat died and he wanted to build and sell his own line of kitty coffins. He had the domain name (petcoffins.org) all picked out. I was like “Dude. I love you. But we are not becoming one of those stereotypical crazy Texas people with dozens of little coffins in the shed.” And he accused me of being insensitive. But what the hell would people do with their dead animals while he made the coffins? Because I know my husband. His turnover rate would be like 3 months or something. Unless people are proactive in their pet’s burial plans I’m thinking that might be a problem. Just saying.

  37. I think Samuel L. Jackson is already signed up for the movie. Along with Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, and Seymour Philip Hoffman — that’s right it’s the long-awaited sequel to Twister, called Snakes In The Air.

  38. I must still be in the ’90s. Nobody has yet mentioned that “Flying Tornadic Rattlesnakes” would be a good name for a rock group.

    Time to move on, I guess…

  39. Flying snakes also scare the crap out of me. Thankfully TSA has been pretty alert about not letting them board. What really scares me is snakes taking private flying lessons. Tornadoes may fling rattlesnakes for several miles, but a Beach Barron full of cottonmouths heading wherever they want? That’s just damn scary.

    Rob’s last blog post..2009 Yamaha FZ6

  40. What the hell does your father keep rattlesnakes for? I live in Texas, have family all over the state, and I’ve never heard of anyone keeping ANY snake in a rickety wooden box out back…much less rattlesnakes.

    Your Dad has got to be the greatest cowboy EVER!

    Byron’s last blog post..No Prescription Needed…

  41. I must share a story I read….

    Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.
    When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement.
    A reptile expert searched for the 6-inch (15-centimeter) -long snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.
    … WHAT IF THEY ESCAPED AND FELL OUT WHILE THE PLANE WAS FLYING???

  42. (shock) Those snakes were all the way from *Texas*?

    Be prepared for the ‘Return To Sender’ package. Your welcome.

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