And now for the rest of my life I will have nightmares about rattlesnakes that can fly

Me: Did you see my latest Ask the Bloggess column?

My mother: Oh.  I thought that was just a one time thing.

Me: What? Why would I have a one time advice column?  That would be the worst advice column in the history of the world.

My mother: I thought it was just a one-time joke.

Me: IT IS NOT A ONE-TIME JOKE.  I AM A SERIOUS COLUMNIST.

My mother: Of course you are!  Ha ha!

Me: That wasn’t a joke either.

My mother: Oh.  It’s very hard to tell with you.

Me: *sigh*  I know.

My mother: So you know that big wooden box that your father keeps rattlesnakes in?

Me: Um…what?

My mother: Your father.  He was keeping all his rattlesnakes in that big wooden box behind the taxidermy shop but when we had that last tornado we were afraid to leave the house in case the box had gotten broken and there were snakes everywhere.

Me: Wow. So were there?

My mother: Oh no.  They were all fine.  But we won’t be keeping live rattlesnakes in a rickety wooden box from now on, I assure you. Could you imagine if those rattlesnakes had gotten sucked up inside the tornado?  It would have been flinging live rattlesnakes at people all over the county!   That would be the worst tornado ever.

Me: Why would people be standing outside in a tornado?

My mother: Well.  It’s Texas.

Me: Touché.

Comment of the day: We don’t have tornadoes here in Alaska. Or rattlesnakes. Just earthquakes and bears. Remind me to never keep my bears in a wooden box. Because of the earthquakes and all. ~ Mommica

117 replies. read them below or add one

  1. HAHA I see where it comes from.. The awesomeness and all.. 🙂

    Karen’s last blog post..Easter 2009 Style

  2. This explains a lot.

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..Unintentioned hilarity

  3. I didn’t know how badly I needed a giggle until I read this. Thanks!

    catnip’s last blog post..Easter Baby!

  4. I love you.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..No Lyrics

  5. I think that may be a first-ever coining of the phrase “So you know that big wooden box that your father keeps rattlesnakes in?”

    amy’s last blog post..Creative aging.

  6. And NOW we see where you get it.

    Personally, I love your advice column. I’ve been trying to fit the word ‘fart superhighway’ into sentences all weekend long.

    Which was a little tricky, being Easter and all.

    amo’s last blog post..Because Mondays need more funny…-UPDATED

  7. Wow. The imagery is awesome. It seems almost everytime I read your blog I develop a new phobia….

    Thanks for that.

    Jelly’s last blog post..Happy Easter Everyone!

  8. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Wait. Why does your father HAVE rattlesnakes, anyway? I’m not from Texas. I don’t get it.

  9. That makes me want to hang out with your mom.

    Except for the rattlesnake part.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Do You Ever Get Photographers and Zombies Mixed Up?

  10. 10
    Just A. Reader

    That’s what Texas needs! Flying rattlesnakes! What better way to keep the Yankees away?

  11. Your mother and my mother must have been separated at birth…

    Joy

    moggit girls’s last blog post..Cows: Not As Dumb As You Think…

  12. Like mother, like daughter!

    Mara J.’s last blog post..About me

  13. Like mother, like daughter!

  14. That just explained everything. I think.

    AdrianaHearts’s last blog post..Wasn’t that you giving up?

  15. I think that the Firenado is up there with the rattlesnake tornado. We should figure out a way to combine those tornadoes and sell it as a weapon of mass destruction…to Canada, they need help.

  16. This has inspired me to Google my nearest rattlesnake dealer. It’s come up blank.

    Can I have your mother’s contact details please?

    Meg’s last blog post..Jacko just came round for a cup of tea, and to do some music…

  17. And I’m suddenly thankful that I don’t live in Texas.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..And this is why my husband is desperately hoping that our unborn child is a boy.

  18. I’m adding this to the list of things I miss about Texas – the possibility of flying rattlesnakes. Kidding – just the idea that you can say the craziest-ass-shit and, as long as you tack, “well, it is Texas” on there, it’s ok. That and Cabana’s breakfast tacos. And I’m pretty sure I forgot the intent of this comment, now that I’m all Cabana-dreaming.

    Liza’s last blog post..In which I blame The Bloggess for my eternal damnation

  19. AWESOME!
    Funniest thing I read all week.
    I think I’d be a bit more worried about all the steer wandering around than rattlesnakes, although that WOULD make for an awesome movie! I’m thinking ‘Snakes on a Plain’?

    DavidWright’s last blog post..Welcome to the Inkwell

  20. I was hoping for the story of how you grew up in one of those snake-handling cults. Oh well.

    Middle-Aged-Woman’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: Celebrity

  21. Great. Now I want to fling snakes at people. Thanks, Jenny.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..I Don’t Want To Fall In A Pie Or Anything

  22. So what WILL they be keeping their rattlesnakes in now? WAY TO TELL ME HALF THE STORY.

    Also? Ditto what Mr. Farty said.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Updated To Increase Overall Fanciness: This Blog Is A Stinking Bugger! (Or Maybe I Am?) Plus: We Should Totally Bring Back Microfiche!

  23. You’re both adorable.

  24. You have to admit, though, “Local Man Bitten by Flying Snake During Tornado” would make a great headline. Also: http://www.flyingsnake.org

  25. I think I saw that rattlesnakes-whipped-around-breaking-out-of-their-box-by-a-tornado on the sci-fi channel last fall. I think it starred Lou Diamond Phillips and Traci Lords.

    andy’s last blog post..Undead Dog Dream

  26. I love your mother. Is she available for parties?

    Hannah’s last blog post..honestly confused…lucky you

  27. never have I been more glad to not be from Texas.

    miss thystle’s last blog post..Ouiser Says

  28. Wow! I think I love your mother too! That’s “too” as in “I love you, too”, not “I, too, love her.” Just in case you were worried that my admiration for you had slipped or something.

  29. You can tell I’m from Texas ’cause that TOTALLY makes sense. I didn’t even have to ask why you would keep a box of live rattlesnakes……

  30. 30
    ms. procrastination

    I’m torn between horror and hysterical laughter.

    Also you and your mother are the definition of awesome.

  31. Thats sounds like the next big Movie idea. “Tornado of snakes” or “Night of the snake flinging twister!”

    Brandy’s last blog post..ADOS- I have Attention Deficit Oh Shiny….

  32. So… Catholics handle snakes?
    Good to know.
    Feel free to come to church here in Tennessee any time you’re in town.

  33. That’s so dangerous. It’s not responsible.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..40

  34. I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year and I had no idea that you had a mother. Well, mostly I’ve been skimming and looking at pictures.

    Marinka’s last blog post..Whoever Said That Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me is a Liar. And an Asshole

  35. Yeah, but what a cool thing it would be to survive! Imagine the stories you’d tell your grandkids …

    Lynn @ human, being’s last blog post..I’ve been such a bitch

  36. So the explanation for the rattlesnake storae is what?

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Happy Easter 🙂

  37. Maybe your mom needs her own blog site?

  38. There’s nothing like talking to your mother. Mine used to drive me insane, knowing the exact wrong thing to say, but since the dementia set in she’s much more entertaining. Yesterday during church she leaned over and whispered, “Buddha.” Twice. I have no idea why.

    Alison (aka cluckandtweet)’s last blog post..In which I try to talk about designy things and then get all preachy. Also, if this video doesn’t touch you, you have no soul.

  39. I think you just gave someone the concept for the next cult classic horror-camp film.

    Katy’s last blog post..Enough

  40. Your mom rocks!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..7 Things I’ve Learned While House Hunting

  41. Another reason not to visit Texas besides the fact that my ex-husband lives there.

    Chris O’s last blog post..Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunnytrail

  42. And my mom told my Canadian fiance about our “FROG CHOKING RAINS” here in Texas. I am so telling him about your mom’s “RATTLESNAKE TWISTERS” . . . LOL!

    PS: It sounds like a ride at Fiesta Texas, don’t it?

    J Phoenix’s last blog post..JUST WHAT CAN YOU DO? from backpackingdad . . .

  43. That is awesome! And so true, of course, the part about Texans being outside during major storms. I live in Houston, and I may have wandered outside myself during the last hurricane or three. Curiosity killed the cat, perhaps, but somehow I got back in the house in time to avoid an early demise! No flying snakes here, though … we’re really missing out.

    d.g.’s last blog post..SOS

  44. Being from Texas I never blinked an eye at your dad keeping rattlesnakes in a box, but the thought of them flying around is a riot.

  45. We don’t have tornadoes here in Alaska. Or rattlesnakes. Just earthquakes and bears. Remind me to never keep my bears in a wooden box. Because of the earthquakes and all.

    Mommica’s last blog post..Spring is in the air

  46. I loved this . . . just loved this! Still laughing!

    Elaine at Lipstickdaily’s last blog post..What I Know for Sure…”about Peeing”

  47. Reason 74 why I’ll never live in Texas…

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Oh, and before I forget…

  48. Jenny,

    I answer sex advice questions and thought you could start doing double duty. That way I can sit around and eat bon bons, or simply have my way with my Naked Garden Slave while you do my work for me. Here’s the latest question:

    I haven’t had sex in a LONG time and now when I use my dildo it hurts. How do I reintroduce the dildo, so that when I start dating again, his penis won’t hurt? ~Jersey

    Can you answer it for me here?

  49. i’m still crackin’ up over this. i lived in tx for 5 years & when i was in denton we would ALWAYS go outside when the sirens went off. never mind that it was a warning, we just had to see what was going on. & to have seen flying rattlesnakes would have been awesome (of course, right before our house was ripped apart). ROFL

    thx liza (#18) cuz now i’m cabana-dreaming too. i miss their quesadillas!

    uthostage’s last blog post..penis doggie, penis doggie, penis doggie…..haha now it’s stuck in your head too!

  50. reading your blog, I think dirty.

    Like, “big wooden box” was literally a vagina.
    And “rattlesnake”… yah, you know where I’m headed on that.

    So, if you answered yes to your mother’s question about knowing which box your father keeps his rattlesnake in, you would have technically been correct in answering yes.

    Debbi’s last blog post..A post of pictures

  51. I thought “now I know where she gets it” but everyone else already said that, so I won’t be so lame. Then I thought, hey, I should blog a conversation w/ my mom so everyone understands me, but then I realized that could be a very bad thing, I should remain mysterious instead of having everyone understand that I’m totally neurotic.

    Elizabeth Potts Weinstein’s last blog post..ElizabethPW: so talked to the city inspector chick, someone complained about the height of the fence/gate (but was not our neighbor). lame!

  52. I used to read all these weird books called things like “Strange But True” about weird stuff that really happened; as a kid I sucked it in but when I became an adult I put off childish ways etc etc & realised it was a load of twaddle.

    It was stupid ridiculous stuff that could never possibly be true that some idiot had made up to sell books to gullible boys, stuff like – damn!- the sky raining rattlesnakes!

    You do realise you’ve fucked up my entire life now? Thanks. Did either of your parents used to write books called things like “Strange But True” by any chance?

    I was in Texas once. Wore a cowboy hat in a urinal, a local mistook me for a Texan,’til I opened my mouth (to speak; I’m not George Michael). I was very proud.

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  53. while I was cleaning the pee off of the floor, I couldn’t help but worry about where your folks were gonna keep their snakes now…

    I will never look at a tornado the same way again…
    (hey I think I saw that movie on SciFi too)

    Sticky’s last blog post..Workin’ for the Man

  54. You are scaring me because more and more I find myself sounding like your mom when I talk to my own daughters instead of the young hip blogger that I imagine myself to be when I forget that I have children the ages of most of y’all young hip bloggers. Because flying tornadic rattlesnakes are so something I would warn my children about.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Easter Leftovers

  55. I think your mom needs her own blog!

    Malibu Niki’s last blog post..I don’t need a better thing

  56. Awesome!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Easter Earring Sale!

  57. And that, friends, is why I don’t fucking live in Texas anymore. Because that story? Totally rings true.

    Shana’s last blog post..Apparently Easter Monday is a holiday, and today is it

  58. It would make an even better movie than Twister because when the second rattlesnake came around the dialog would go like this: “Rattlesnake”
    “‘Nother Rattlesnake”
    and they would be right. It would be another rattlesnake.

  59. Wait, is your mother doing your homework for you? Has she been writing this blog all along????

  60. Awesome. Where else can you learn about fart superhighways and how NOT to store rattlesnakes?

    Lula’s last blog post..Friday Funny

  61. Oh yeah. That’s a conversation I have with my mom every day…

    tracey’s last blog post..A welcome surprise….

  62. At least your mom kinda gets you. Mine just wonders where the eff I came from…

    LiLu’s last blog post..I Can Handle "Manic", But What the Eff Is This Monday

  63. That made perfect sense. I am suddenly very afraid.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY: Monday Should Be Fry-Day

  64. Bwahaha! You’re definitely not the only one thinking this was funny.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Retrospective March Madness (And How Cliche Is That?)

  65. I and my kids stood outside during the hurricane. We had to clear the leaves out of our drains to keep the house from flooding.

    I figure my kids have Bad Mother stories for the psychiatrist for YEARS to come.

    The Mother’s last blog post..Censorship? That’s MY Job

  66. Once I woke up with a spiny caterpillar biting me between the toes. It was hurricane season and it was fucking terrifying. So basically the same thing.

    Lemish’s last blog post..Goonies never say die. (Especially when they are deaf vigilantes of justice.)

  67. Hot Damn. Snakes are scary enough when they are just sticks on the ground that just look like snakes but I shoot them with my 45 just in case.

    Prosy’s last blog post..My New Award Winning Blog

  68. Rattlesnake tastes like chicken.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Whoopie on the Playground

  69. I just make known my love for the underappreciated “That would be the worst tornado ever.” I don’t know why, but the idea of a Texan getting hit in the face with a rattlesnake and angrily shouting out, “Damnit! This is the worst tornado I’ve ever seen! This tornado sucks! Just sucks!” while flinging the snake into the ground makes me laugh for minutes on end.

  70. I heard Samuel L. Jackson is thinking of signing on to “Snakes in a Texas Tornado” as long as his dialogue is peppered with enougg “motherfuckers”. Negotiations motherfucking continue.

    Coco’s last blog post..The Whine List

  71. I lived near Homestead, FL, when Hurricane Andrew hit. My family, a bunch of insane Cubans, thought it was an excellent idea to take 8 year old me outside at midnight of the night it hit, point to the palm trees near the house about to be uprooted, and say “that’s what a hurricane looks like.” It ain’t nothing but a thang when you grow up around it I guess. I still insist that earthquakes are “fun.”

    Angelita’s last blog post..angiewa: I have a very suspicious mole on the side of my left boob. Now would be an excellent time to have/afford health insurance.

  72. I love your mother.

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Eating My Bunny

  73. I’ve said this before, but it had a very different meaning at the time, but I definitely do not want to see that box.

    steenky bee’s last blog post..Ima Guest Postin’

  74. Your mom sounds awesome!

    Anna’s last blog post..Men Boys At Work

  75. people don’t seriously stand outside during tornados in texas, do they? that’s just…silly.

    melissa’s last blog post..Cutting The Cord

  76. This must be a new feature. If anyone wondered where your awesomeness came from, here is the answer.

    I bet your mom birthed you in the middle of a rattlesnake-spewing tornado. She seems like the type.

    And yes, that IS a type.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Mano a womano, eggo a eggo

  77. I’m scared now. I had no idea there were 2 of *you* out there.

    Is she coming to BlogHer? Because that would be awesome.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Pokemon Cards Find a New Home *Updated!

  78. I can’t think of anything better than what’s already been said – although first thought I had was “now we know” – so I’m sending you this link instead. http://www.axcessmypics.com/athsndwords/_entry/c885520d20940f140120a2f2a3a312e7/jsps/entry?foneblog=1239684492723 Wanted to let you know the Wolverine!! love is spreading :).

  79. Texans sound hardcore.

    Do you think Medusa was a Texan?

  80. Good Christ, it’s completely genetic. And here we were all thinking you were this completely awesome one-off aberration.

    Also, Snake-Flinging Tornado should totally be the name of your novel.

  81. oooooookay then. Well there is a Christmas present idea.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Holy Cow Russell!

  82. The local news would have a field day with Tornado-Flung Rattlers. They already poo themselves when we get golfball size hail, and then send the newest (and the next to leave) reporter to go stand in it for a live shot.

    It’s not enough to pepper-spray the reporter on-air & watch him try not to cuss, now they have to have anti-venom shots before a tornado passes by. I mean, getting footage of a ‘gust-nado’ that tossed a trampoline onto a roof is nothing compared to getting footage of a thick four-foot rattlesnake flying through the air!

    And we wonder why our news teams have a high turnover…

    Heather’s last blog post..Doin’ it my way

  83. It’s obvious where you get it from isn’t it!?

    Aoj & The Hounds’s last blog post..Tuesday Challenge #13

  84. And that’s why mothers know best.

    Because they think of everything, including why you should not keep live rattlesnakes in a box outside of your house.

    Natalie’s last blog post..Detachment

  85. A one time advice columnist? Well, I do have to say that with you, she probably wasn’t sure. Just saying…

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: No Crutches!!

  86. I totally see where you get it from. You should include posts from your mom just like you do that other crazy paralegal lady. Good Times

    R~’s last blog post..You won’t get away with it.

  87. 87
    The Isopteran King

    To make it a truly terrifying tornado I think it would require…WOLVERINES!

  88. That explains it all. Mystery solved. Life continues.

    SoMo’s last blog post..Evil Lurks

  89. Oh, shit. It’s genetic. Now I’m wondering which one of my parents was the closet nut-job!

    Lori’s last blog post..Lack of Magic

  90. 90
    BurkeInTheOzarks

    I spent 35 years in Texas (out of 43 and counting) and, yes, a good chunk of the people there really are bat-shit crazy enough to stand outside during a tornado. And I’m sure that number would increase dramatically if they knew it was a rattlernado (Snake-ado? Torsnake-o?) because, how often will you get a chance to see one of those?

    On a different note, the Tex-Mex in Arkansas really sucks.

  91. I can just see someone with a grasp on reality that is tenuous at best seeing rattlesnakes falling from the sly during a tornado and thinking it was a biblical plague. Fantastic.

    Dani’s last blog post..Somewhere neil clark warren just shed a tear without knowing why…

  92. That is so weird! I keep a box of rattlesnakes in case a tornado hits my house. I waited for almost a year then got impatient and just started throwing them at the neighbors. It just seemed there was never going to be a tornado around when I wanted to see my neighbors scream in terror while watching rattlesnakes fly towards them. Admittedly, the mood strikes me often enough where I could almost always be up for it, so it really just became a matter of getting hit by a tornado when I was home. But tornadoes are rare and unpredictable and simply can’t be relied on for my impulsive entertainment needs, so I had to take matters into my own hands. Anyone in my position would have done exactly the same.

    mayopie’s last blog post..Do not read if you watch Grey’s Anatomy

  93. It is Texas 🙂

    Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..SEO First – How To Move your WordPress Blog

  94. Great. Just great.

    I thought all I needed to worry about falling from the sky was the space station and asteroids. Now you tell me it’s raining rattlesnakes, too?!

    I think I need some advice. Quick. Please.

  95. Today it will be partly cloudy with a chance of Diamondbacks. And kids, after your lunch of Grilled Cheese and tater tots, you’re gonna get a cookie!

    Hex’s last blog post..Where Are You From?

  96. And the hair on the back of my neck is in a permanent upright position.

    Oh. EEK!

    Pocklock’s last blog post..Purple For Maddie

  97. Tornadic Rattlesnakes are surely a sign of The Apocalypse.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Peep Week Round-Up

  98. Well, this will make me think twice before standing outside during a tornado.

    Kyla’s last blog post..Sick, sick, sick.

  99. Live rattlesnakes???? Why?

    Smelly Kelly’s last blog post..My Little Ice-T

  100. there are no words to express my horror at this moment

    cat’s last blog post..my birthday in photos (aka easter)

  101. I thought the rattlesnakes being flung around imagery related to your advice you’re dispensing in your advice column…?

    Am I right? Am I right?

    What do I win?

  102. God, I am glad we decided not to move to Houston.

    annie’s last blog post..10-10-10, a Review of Suzy Welch’s New Book

  103. What is it about Texas? I was born and raised in Galveston County and I’m still surprised by things like people with snake storage issues. That’s why I was “unsupportive” when my husband’s cat died and he wanted to build and sell his own line of kitty coffins. He had the domain name (petcoffins.org) all picked out. I was like “Dude. I love you. But we are not becoming one of those stereotypical crazy Texas people with dozens of little coffins in the shed.” And he accused me of being insensitive. But what the hell would people do with their dead animals while he made the coffins? Because I know my husband. His turnover rate would be like 3 months or something. Unless people are proactive in their pet’s burial plans I’m thinking that might be a problem. Just saying.

  104. I think Samuel L. Jackson is already signed up for the movie. Along with Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, and Seymour Philip Hoffman — that’s right it’s the long-awaited sequel to Twister, called Snakes In The Air.

  105. I must still be in the ’90s. Nobody has yet mentioned that “Flying Tornadic Rattlesnakes” would be a good name for a rock group.

    Time to move on, I guess…

  106. Ha. This post is great and has the best comments.

    zandor’s last blog post..The Mom List

  107. What’s your mom’s blog URL?

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..Senseless and faithless

  108. Flying snakes also scare the crap out of me. Thankfully TSA has been pretty alert about not letting them board. What really scares me is snakes taking private flying lessons. Tornadoes may fling rattlesnakes for several miles, but a Beach Barron full of cottonmouths heading wherever they want? That’s just damn scary.

    Rob’s last blog post..2009 Yamaha FZ6

  109. Oh hell, now I am going to be paranoid of my neighbours having rickety wooden boxes of snakes and we don’t even have rattlers here in Saskatchewan. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 😉

    melistress’s last blog post..listening to "Fuck You, Shit Song Remix – Lily Allen" on Blip

  110. What the hell does your father keep rattlesnakes for? I live in Texas, have family all over the state, and I’ve never heard of anyone keeping ANY snake in a rickety wooden box out back…much less rattlesnakes.

    Your Dad has got to be the greatest cowboy EVER!

    Byron’s last blog post..No Prescription Needed…

  111. I must share a story I read….

    Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.
    When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement.
    A reptile expert searched for the 6-inch (15-centimeter) -long snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed.
    … WHAT IF THEY ESCAPED AND FELL OUT WHILE THE PLANE WAS FLYING???

  112. Doesn’t is suck when someone creates something cool and freaks out when anyone looks sideways at it?

    That is so J.K Rowling.

    spazz.me’s last blog post..Juice, baby!

  113. er.. that was in response to the Vagina post… i think i put it in the wrong place.

    spazz.me’s last blog post..Juice, baby!

  114. […] through the air during a tornado.  If you don’t currently read The Bloggess, you really need […]

  115. […] with a squished rat. Who, knows, I probably even peed a little. I truly loved the bit about a tornado filled with rattlesnakes, but OMG the teabagging post was what added the squished rat to my strange laugh sound. To think of […]

  116. […] “we won’t be keeping live rattlesnakes in a rickety wooden box from now on, I assure you. Co… […]

  117. 117
    Lady Penelope

    (shock) Those snakes were all the way from *Texas*?

    Be prepared for the ‘Return To Sender’ package. Your welcome.

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