Eve Ensler doesn’t want to hear about your vagina

So last year my friend Yvonne and I started writing open letters to our vaginas and mailing them to each other.  Eventually we had a whole series of open letters to and from vaginas and we decided to create The Vagina MonoBlog, where people could submit letters to their vaginas but we thought  first we should check with Eve Ensler since she’s the creator of The Vagina Monologues to make sure she wouldn’t sue us.  So I emailed her (slightly paraphrased):

Dear Eve,

(We would call you “Ms. Ensler” but it seems weird to be so formal since we know so much about your vagina.)  My friend Yvonne and I have a vagina correspondence and we thought, “Damn, we should start a whole blog about letters to and from our vaginas because God knows there isn’t enough vagina stuff on the internet”.  And we want to call it The Vagina MonoBlog in your honor.  It’s going to be awesome.  Like, here’s an example of what I wrote yesterday:

Real-Time Thoughts From My Vagina The First Time She Encountered a Tampon:

Um…What the fuck is that?!  What the Fuck!  WHAT THE FUCK?!

Holy shit, I’ve been shot!  But oddly with *less* blood.  What the hell?!

God, cotton mouth. What, vulva?  Some  little string is tickling you?  Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering from a mild “yarn annoyance” but it appears that I’VE BEEN FUCKING SHOT.  Or possibly gagged.  I’m not sure from this angle.

Oh fuck you, asshole.  I’m sick of your smug grin just because this kinda shit never happens to you. What?  No, vulva…I wasn’t talking to you.  I was talking to the asshole.  That’s why I said “asshole”.  If I was talking to you I’d say “Evelyn”. Or cunt.  Ha!  High five, ovaries!

Are you calling the police? Because that is not our intention. 

Our intention is to create a place where women can share intimate stories and laughter about their vagina (with possibly some “intermittent dick dialogue” thrown in to keep it fair and balanced).  We want to share a little laughter with the world. 

Laughter inspired by your vagina.
 
Love,  Jenny and Yvonne.

Then we got a letter from her lawyer telling us we were not allowed to use that title and he kind of implied we should maybe never contact Eve again.  Which was disheartening.  So then we decided we’d start another blog named EveEnslerDoesn’tCareAboutYourVagina but then we realized we’re both too disorganized to start another blog anyway and that neither of us are prepared for a long vaginal court battle with Eve Ensler even though now that I’m typing that out it kind of sounds awesome.  Like, exhibit A: a letter from my vagina about freedom of expression.  Care to cross-examine, prosecutor?  No, I didn’t think so.  The defense rests, your honor.

Comment(s) of the day:  Since the Vagina Blog thing doesn’t seem to be happening, maybe you could twit (or tweet or twat) about your vagina. Then you could say that thousands of people follow your vagina. ~ Puravida
     
OMG, that’s it! You could start a platform for vaginas across the world to throw their wisdom out into the internet (with a 140 character limit) and call it Twatter! ~ Kari
     
I call bullshit. Her vagina is practically public domain. Which means you can do what ever you want with it.  Ok. That’s not exactly what I meant, but surely you can play around with the idea of her vagina. Ok. That’s not it either. Shit. What I mean is that I’m sure that fair use laws govern what you do with her vagina.   DAMMIT. ~ Well Read Hostess

164 thoughts on “Eve Ensler doesn’t want to hear about your vagina

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What’s weird is that I would definitely have read that blog. It’s pretty sad Eve didn’t have more of a sense of humor about how she made her fame. Cuz really? The Vagina Monologues is pretty ridiculous and if she’s all about taking herself seriously then there’s really no point in taking her seriously, is there?

    Parsing Nonsense’s last blog post..Nonsense for Dinner

  2. I think there’s probably an outstanding visual art series (or maybe just some porn) to do from the perspective of the courtroom artist charged with sketching Eve Ensler v. Jenny and Yvonne’s Vaginas.

    PS – Thanks for answering my question about tit cancer on your advice column. It’s sad that it’s contagious, but I am not sorry at all.

    Ryan’s last blog post..Wine & Choice Paradox Redux – More Alternatives

  3. So, you pretty much HAVE to start that blog now. Just give it a name that you can’t get sued for. Like, “The Vajayjay Chronicles” except something witty.

    Steph’s last blog post..Hoarding Issues.

  4. Oh god, do it. You must do it. Vaginas everywhere must have a place to voice their opinions, Eve Ensler be damned. Just because her vagina paved the way (and let me just say, the mental images that brings about are horrid) doesn’t mean the rest of them have to suffer in silence.

    Amie’s last blog post..There’s always room for Jell-O.

  5. My vagina can’t read. It grew up in Florida. It also really sucks at geography, which really doesn’t matter when it comes to reading blogs, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

    Also, my vagina is mute. I guess I could teach it sign language, but I would need a giant labia for that.

  6. If you created that blog I’d write letters to my vagina like every single day. My vagina would be my penpal. That never writes back.

  7. My vagina is close family friends with Eve’s best friend forever!!!! She (my vagina) says go ahead and call it a monoblog and when the lawyers call, just blame it on the damn kissing disease… vaginas have lips too!

  8. I still own the domain, so if you get bored with your unemployment and want to participate in a little “copyright infringement” just say the word and I’ll get thevaginamonoblog.com up and running again.

    My vagina’s not scared!

    Y’s last blog post..Doing What We Can

  9. Letter writing is so last century. My vagina texts.

    And I can’t believe that Eve Ensler said that. You should have your vagina contact hers.

    that last sentence doesn’t look right for some reason, but congratulations on your upcoming lesbian affair!

    Marinka’s last blog post..I love the airport

  10. P.S. Now I kind of think we HAVE to do a blog written by vaginas BECAUSE if someone else starts one after reading this, I’m going to be PISSED.

    Y’s last blog post..Doing What We Can

  11. I get Eve’s resistance. I mean, she’s trying to do a respectable thing by making people more aware of domestic violence, women’s issues, etc.

    You, on the other hand, are snarky and silly. I get that she wouldn’t want to confuse the brands.

    On the other hand, my vagina has always wanted an artistic outlet. So when you decide on the blog name, sign her up!

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Birthday Diary

  12. I’m trying to think of the most inoffensive things my vagina would say and, sadly, nothing comes to mind. It would mostly complain about not being able to breathe in these jeans. And lets not even start on the period talk.
    So, yes, this blog needs to happen.

  13. Did you know the plural of Vagina is Vaginae?

    Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to tell someone that?

    Did you know that you have now committed to starting a Vagina blog? Because you know we’re expecting one now.

    And I nominate Apryl’s comment for comment of the day. Giant labia. 🙂

  14. I can imagine the Court TV:

    Eve Ensler vs Vaginas

    And there really should be a blog….I wonder if its the “Monoblog” part that would be “illegal” or the Vagina part. Could “Letters From My Vagina” work? So intrigued.

    And my vagina says “Like, zomg hi!” to your vagina!

    Mrs Soup’s last blog post..Alexander Dumas

  15. You know, since the Vagina Blog thing doesn’t seem to be happening, maybe you could twit (or tweet or twat) about your vagina.

    Of course, then you could say that thousands of people follow your vagina.

    Fuck, I crack myself up sometimes.

  16. OMG, that’s it! You could start a platform for vaginas across the world to throw their wisdom out into the internet (with a 140 character limit) and call it Twatter!

    Kari’s last blog post..Lunch Conversation

  17. Oh you so have to do the blog now… it would make you a legend in the blog world..

    The Vagina letters.
    Letters from Internet The Vagina
    Vaginas Across America
    Vagina Says..
    The Night Before Eve’s Vagina
    Eve’s Vagina takes a Blogsphere hit.
    Where Eve’s Vagina came to Die..
    Have You Seen Eve’s vagina?

    oh there are so many things you could call it.

    Juice’s last blog post..Did you vote?

  18. Fuck that! You’re Vagina MonoBlog is a parody and therefor legally protected. Stand up for your freedom of expression–take that bitch on!

    Mara J.’s last blog post..About me

  19. I’m pretty sure that word play is fair game vis-a-vis copyrights. I remember Al Franken mentioning something about that when he got sued by O’Reilly.

    I say fucking do that shit anyway and fuck that “cunt” for sicking her lawyers on you instead of just being cool, or talking to you like a person.

  20. I would totally read the vagina monoblog and think Eve Ensler should get a sense of humor already. . . I’d like to see what your personal legal adviser Nancy W. Kapps, paralegal has to say about all of this.

  21. But would a vagina strike affect my sex life? I guess your supporters, like myself, could get together and work on a million labia march; though in truth we have to at LEAST call it a two million labia march, since these things come in pairs.

    Dorsey’s last blog post..Photoshop is your friend?

  22. I think it’s an excellent idea. While vaginas are very popular on the internet, so few things are written from the vagina’s perspective… for the vagina. I for one have lots of questions that I’d be embarassed to ask the vagina’s host like, “So, when’s the last time you had a guest in? Was it a party or just a familiar friend?” or “I know she said it’s big, but what do you think? You’re the expert.” Then I know I would get the truth because vaginas are incapable of telling lies due to not being able to access the brain’s creative center. You can look it up if you don’t believe me.

    mayopie’s last blog post..Do not read if you watch Grey’s Anatomy

  23. The most vagina awesomeness ever, in one place.

    Not that I’ve ever seen any other vagina awesomeness, but if I had, this would be the most, ever.

    I think I hear my vagina starting a draft now. Let us know when you’re open for submissions.

    Uh Oh. Did I really just type that?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Mac and Cheese

  24. I got in trouble in poetry class for writing a poem about penises. One of the angry girls in class said it was offensive to the vagina and to writers like Eve Ensler. Eve Ensler doesn’t want to hear about your penis either, apparently.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Meatload?

  25. This reminds me of Stepbrothers. If only Eve Ensler would become a miniature and walk around in a vagina for a while, she might be willing to let the blog happen. At least let her lawyer try it.

    Drama Queen Jenner’s last blog post..Super-Good Friday

  26. DO IT!!! call it:
    The Vaginae DiaBLOGs

    Multiple vaginas having conversations with multiple people…plus, no copyright infringment…

    jenny, ur a genius. we MUST have this blog, now!!!

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facebook Stinks III

  27. My Vagina hates me and I am sick of her venting, but I would like to hear what other Vaginas are saying.
    Also, maybe my vagina is pissed because she doesn’t have any friends. Maybe, just maybe, she will meet some if you only made your blog so she can see she is not alone. Please for the sanity of all vaginas out there, start the blog and start the healing process.

  28. My vagina letter:

    Claire, please stop trying so many different hair removal methods on me. I have hair for a reason. I know you hate the hair and decide to burn me with Nair, shave it off with a razor, even waxing–ouch! Then I get all itchy and yucky. So, for the love of all that is holy, please stop.

    Signed,
    Anges…. your vagina.

  29. My vagina letter:

    HELLOOOO!!!??? Anybody out there? For so long I had Dick and Willy visit on a rather regular occourance. *usually on their way to go visit that asshole, but never AFTER visiting!) Anywho, so, WTF?! Where’s the party now!? It’s like, you get divorced and I get NO action. not even from tampon, seeing as you’ve got that annoying exchange student, IUD, tagging along for the ride. nothin!

    Send some love soon. I’m bored. And I think I just shoed out a spider from it’s web!

    -V

    Debbi’s last blog post..A post of pictures

  30. Oh. My. God. I did a little sketch a while back featuring a conversation I had with Gwendomama and called it “The Vagina Dialogs,” but this is way better. It concerned her recent “female troubles” and a conversation she had with an OB-friend about them where the OB-friend said “if it WAS cancer it would have to be REALLY advanced to cause symptoms like THAT” and Gwen was freaking out and I was like “that wasn’t very nice of her, the cow,” and she was like “well in her defense we hadn’t talked in a while and what would you expect calling a friend out of nowhere and being all ‘wanna look at my vagina?’ without even asking them to have coffee first” and I was like “Personally? Gratitude and exultation, but maybe that’s just me” and then we both DIED. It was like Take Your Vagina on G-chat day. If you decide to do the copyright infringement I’m definitely in 🙂

  31. I heartily cheer on this endeavor because I want to hear stories from the more talented vaginas out there, you know the ones that can do fascinating things with ping-pong balls and such. My vagina is not so talented, but she yearns to learn!

    Heather’s last blog post..Doin’ it my way

  32. I’m pretty sure my vagina would complain about the bad sex its been forced to partake in. Then it would tell me to bring back the asshole in my life… aka the only one who knew what he was doing down there. God he was good. *going through her phonebook*

    Also, She probably has never let go of the “i forgot i already had a tampon in there!” incident. God, Vaggy, I’m still so sorry about that.

  33. My vagina wanted you to know that she’s changing her name to Gertrude b/c Eve Ensler’s ruined it for her.

  34. Dude, you might have triggered Eve’s reaction when you let your vagina refer to your vulva as “Evelyn” and then said “If I was talking to you I’d say ‘Evelyn’. Or cunt. Ha! High five, ovaries!”

    Evelyn is to vulva as Eve is to cunt.
    So you were off to a bad start right there.

    I would have your own lawyer write back that she couldn’t sue, though. Parody and satire have a lot of leeway in fair use. Or maybe your own paralegal will do it.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..On Bo Obama, Dog Whispering, and Placenta Helper

  35. If there were some way to work in that photo of Phil Spector with his giant weird afro into potential news accounts of court precedings (because seriously, that’s a hell of a head bush going on in that photo), then legal battle might totally be worth it?

    Also making it sort of worth it? Playful news headlines, like “Lady Justice – Not only blind, but also on the rag”

    foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)’s last blog post..‘if you know what i’m singing about up here come on raise your hand’

  36. Wait, you don’t say whether we’re going to get to see the entire collection of letters. Also, I suggest in the future you subscribe to the “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission” school of thought or the “do what I want until I receive the cease and desist letter” school of thought.

    Fiona Picklebottom’s last blog post..Easter chicks from hell

  37. If you start a petition to boycott Eve Ensler until she capitulates, I’ll sign it.

    If you make the audiobook, I’ll buy it.

  38. LMAO! Fell off the sofa reading this, girl! How friggin’ hilarious! Well, it’s really best that you don’t have a vaginal run-in…hmmm. That sounds like another of my famous Freudian slips. To continue…a vaginal run-in with Eve…unless it’s with your favorite douche-bag. Damn…another Freudian ship.

    Fran Lee’s last blog post..Make a Book Trailer…

  39. Take her to court! I know your vagina would kick ass in the opening arguments.

  40. Hey! Isn’t her vagina technically a celebrity and its own persona so why can’t you write about it or refer to it. I think you should just go ahead and DO IT! I have never thought about what I would say to my vagina…hmmm..

    But you know I totally remember that first tampon moment. I didn’t know you had to remove that little tube!! I walked around all day with that thing in me.

    shoegirl’s last blog post..Maria Palacios – Karate on Wheels

  41. That broad ain’t the boss of my vagina! No matter what her lawyer thinks.

    Not that I do anything special with it except allow it to self-clean, but that’s a natural characteristic of all vaginas, not just mine. Can you imagine me trying to get a patent on the Self-Cleaning Vagina? I think not!

    Why don’t y’all do a parody like “The Pussy Dialogues?” If I recall correctly, parody or satire or both (I wasn’t listening during that session of theatre class.) are fair game. That way you could exercise your vagina, I mean pussy, obsession, without threat of a gag, I mean tampon, order from Ms Ensler’s lawyer’s judge-on-the-take.

    Just a suggestion…

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..I Think, Therefore I Move To France…

  42. A man goes to the doctor and says:
    “Doc, everybody tells me I look bad, but I feels fine”. The doctor checks him out and finds nothing so he consults his medical encyclopedia.
    Doc: Let’s see.. Feels bad, but looks fine.. that’s not you cause you feels fine but looks bad.
    Next.. Feels bad, looks bad? Nope, that’s not it either cause you feels fine, but looks bad..

    AH.. here it is, Feels Fine, Looks bad.. it says here you’re a Vagina.

  43. I’m depressed to hear that Eve Ensler doesn’t have a sense of humor. I would have been like, “Hell, yeah!” If you’d like to name your blog VaginaRawr, I’d be totally honored. Or MonsterVagina. But I understand if you don’t.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Squeeze that square ass!

  44. uhm, Maya Angelou, Eve Ensler…Bloggess, promise me that when you become a famous pseudo-doctor you won’t make everyone feel like shit because they have to like you…

  45. I left this post open while my wife used the computer, and after I got it back, I asked if she had read this. She said, “I flipped to it, but it looked stupid, so I didn’t read it.”

    I couldn’t believe this, but I told her, “It ALWAYS looks stupid, but it’s always gold. You should know that by now!”

    And you know what, even when it IS stupid, it’s still great.

    I would read this blog– I’m pretty sure that as long as you put a disclaimer on the page that it was in no way related to The Vagina Monologues, no judge in the world would bother taking up their case, except to order them to stop harassing you (as needed).

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Mano a womano, eggo a eggo

  46. I have a vagina joke:

    Q) “What did one vagina say to the other vagina?”

    A) “Is that semen, or are you just drooling with delight to see me?”

    Okay, it’s not very funny.

    But it only proves once again that guys don’t know squat what vaginas are saying.
    In fact, I wouldn’t trust me with vagina dialog if I had one.
    Wait!</b. that didn’t come out right…..

    Never mind. Just .. . never mind.

  47. One vagina says to the other,
    “I’m late for lunch—how’s the tuna salad?”

  48. I love Eve Ensler, but DAMN, HARSH. I bet she’d reconsider if she know how popular your site is. And how awesome your readers are. And how awesome your reader’s vaginas are. Mine in particular. No, I will not send you a picture.

  49. My roommate in college was in the vagina monologues – and she came back drunk after the show, clearly, and all she could do was repeat her monologue over and over again her sleep!

    My vagina just wanted to bitch slap her.

    Deidre’s last blog post..The Best Second Date Ever

  50. I was in the Vagina Monologues one year and I had the one where I didn’t want to shave my vagina. Not me, the character I was playing.

    And, you know what I thought the entire time I was up there? Everyone in this damn auditorium is wondering if I fucking shave. Damn it.

    Jamie’s last blog post..one step closer to world domination

  51. Well there you go, it’s obvious what needs to be done now.

    My mind is full of so many other possibilities for this: social networking sites and such.

    And now I’ve written social, all I can think of is Britney Spear’s vagina and how it’s trying to run away from her…

    Um, never mind…

  52. You know, it seems a little selfish of her to not care about other people’s vaginas. I mean, we have to deal with the fact that she wrote a book about hers.

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Foot Update!

  53. I call bullshit. Her vagina is practically public domain. Which means you can do what ever you want with it.

    Ok. That’s not exactly what I meant, but surely you can play around with the idea of her vagina. Ok. That’s not it either.

    Shit. What I mean is that I’m sure that fair use laws govern what you do with her vagina.

    DAMNIT.

    Fuck it.

    this comment, not anyone’s vagina.

    Unless you know.

    Never mind.

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..RIP Easter Bunny

  54. How about Pussy Tails or Tales? “Deep thoughts by Vagina”?

    Who cares about Eve, for crying out loud, she was named after a feminine product… you make the correlation (douche bag).

  55. I got an email from Southwest advertising their “Awesome Autumn Fares” to Florida. I thought it was so rad to write back to them telling them that (while I know I am awesome) being Autumn Fares, I felt that there was a certain amount of rights that I could claim to the profits they gained from exploiting me in their advertising.

    …4 pages of legal mumbojumbo later – lawyers basically don’t think I’m rad.

    They blow.

    Gypsy Mom’s last blog post..Gypsy Boy might walk on water

  56. Nice twist to the Vagina Mono’s but not really funny….right up there with potty humor. Be more creative and original and a little less crass and you might actually be entertaining.

  57. Oh my. Ms Ensler’s vagina clearly doesn’t have any sense (and perhaps too many lawyers at its disposal). A heavily lawyered vagina is a scary thing. I think the vajayjays have spoken and they want to be read!

    Emily’s last blog post..Baby Bore?

  58. You should contact the lady with the giant legs and therefore probable giant labia. I bet her vagina would have some great stories to tell.

  59. This is too funny. I have an excerpt in my manuscript called “The Burnt Vagina Monologue.” I wonder if I’d get sued of I shared it online in my blog?? Anyway, let me know if you get something up and running. I’d post for sure!!!

  60. Can you imagine if the legal case made it to the US Supreme Court?

    I BET that Clarence Thomas would enjoy examining the evidence and hearing the arguments on THAT case! And would probably include a few double entendres in the written decision!

  61. Aside from “The World According to Jenny The Bloggess” nature of your blog, which I appreciate for its hilarity, I love to visit your blog because normally those who comment here have a wonderful esprit de corps and make me laugh almost as hard as you do.

    With that in mind, I hope Amy gets a job as a theater critic and leaves your blog to those who adore your zaniness.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..I Think, Therefore I Move To France…

  62. Just adding my voice to the chorus – do it, you have an audience of 143 (minus Amy) and it seems most of us have a vagina or are interested in vaginas.

    In Ireland vaginas are sometimes known as fannies (that’s why Irish people snigger when we see Frugal Fanny stores) or gees, from Sheila na Gee an ancient stone carving of a woman holding her vulva open.

  63. Somehow, you dirty old woman, you make my dingy days a little brighter. SO what if people look at me weird when I smile thinking about something you wrote. I love it. I love you.

    If your diablogical vaginas start their own blog, both me and my vagina would be reading it like forever.

    Oh. I don’t have a vagina.

    Damn.

    Damn!

    Does anyone have a spare vajayjay I could buy? Lease? Rent to own? exchange or trade?

  64. My vagina has a message for Eve Ensler, my vagina says “Hey Eve, read my lips”.

  65. To: My Vagina
    From: My brain- Logic Headquarters
    Cc: My heart-Emotions LLC

    April 16, 2009

    Dear Vagina,
    This letter serves as a formal apology. I want to express my sincere regret for the mate I have chosen as our monogamous partner until death do us part. I have come to realize the implication that means for you, dear vagina. I never imagined that the beginning of our marriage would be the end of all pleasure for you. “What about all of those hot buff dudes at the gym?”, you ask. “Wouldn’t one of them suffice?” I wish you were right, friend. Unfortunately, there is this moral dilemma with that scenario that I don’t have the time or energy to deal with. For now, synthetic pleasure will just have to do. I hope you can find it within your clitoris to forgive me.

    Sincerely,
    Your loving brain

  66. I’m not positive, but I am reasonably certain that titles cannot be copyrighted and therefore, fair use or not, The Vagina Monoblog is totally legal. You might want to check with your poonanny’s attorney before moving forward though. (If someone already covered that sorry for being redundant – it was a long day and I’ve been drinking).

  67. Okay, now, legal talk can sometimes make my brain fuzzier than, well, I’ll just leave the metaphor to your imagination, but I’m pretty sure parody is protected by the fair use law or something.

    As long as the “newly created work that purports itself to be parody is a valid parody.” http://www.publaw.com/parody.html

    So, just purport away and you’re set.

    Musing’s last blog post..Something you crave

  68. Oh. My goodness. Did the format of this page just change before my very eyes? IHATEITIHATEITIHATEIT MAKE IT GO AWAY! I FEAR CHANGE!

  69. I had plans for later tonight, but since I’ve not heard back from Eve concerning matters of this “permission” thing, I guess I’ll just put on my huge hideous flannel gown with the ripped underarm seam and read my book on the couch.

    Wait. . . those WERE my plans for tonight.

    Eve sounds like a schmuckus. And parody is protected by law. I say, go for it.

    Mamacita’s last blog post..Quotation Saturday: The Movies!

  70. The problem with Eves Vajayjay is it spits out money.. And since its not idea, she doesnt profit from it (I call shennnanigans on that)… Personally id think more people would be intrigued to read her book/see her show.. With a reaction like that, though you wonder if she wants a patent on all vajayjays and will sue anyone who uses or talks about one…

  71. Did you ever fart… and since you are slightly overweight… and you’re sitting down… the fart gets caught and cant travel backwards up your a$$ crack… so it sneaks forward and gets caught up in your vagina???? and you can squeek it out but it’s still caught… and it can’t go back towards your arse… and you don’t want it back up in your vagina…

    So did you ever????

  72. I laughed silently in a coffee shop reading this post, then I hit comment 16 and lost it.
    Out loud.
    In public.
    With peppermint tea on my laptop screen, which I’m pretty sure now voids my warranty…

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