So last year my friend Yvonne and I started writing open letters to our vaginas and mailing them to each other. Eventually we had a whole series of open letters to and from vaginas and we decided to create The Vagina MonoBlog, where people could submit letters to their vaginas but we thought first we should check with Eve Ensler since she’s the creator of The Vagina Monologues to make sure she wouldn’t sue us. So I emailed her (slightly paraphrased):
(We would call you “Ms. Ensler” but it seems weird to be so formal since we know so much about your vagina.) My friend Yvonne and I have a vagina correspondence and we thought, “Damn, we should start a whole blog about letters to and from our vaginas because God knows there isn’t enough vagina stuff on the internet”. And we want to call it The Vagina MonoBlog in your honor. It’s going to be awesome. Like, here’s an example of what I wrote yesterday:
Real-Time Thoughts From My Vagina The First Time She Encountered a Tampon:
Um…What the fuck is that?! What the Fuck! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Holy shit, I’ve been shot! But oddly with *less* blood. What the hell?!
God, cotton mouth. What, vulva? Some little string is tickling you? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering from a mild “yarn annoyance” but it appears that I’VE BEEN FUCKING SHOT. Or possibly gagged. I’m not sure from this angle.
Oh fuck you, asshole. I’m sick of your smug grin just because this kinda shit never happens to you. What? No, vulva…I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the asshole. That’s why I said “asshole”. If I was talking to you I’d say “Evelyn”. Or cunt. Ha! High five, ovaries!
Are you calling the police? Because that is not our intention.
Our intention is to create a place where women can share intimate stories and laughter about their vagina (with possibly some “intermittent dick dialogue” thrown in to keep it fair and balanced). We want to share a little laughter with the world.
Laughter inspired by your vagina.
Love, Jenny and Yvonne.
Then we got a letter from her lawyer telling us we were not allowed to use that title and he kind of implied we should maybe never contact Eve again. Which was disheartening. So then we decided we’d start another blog named EveEnslerDoesn’tCareAboutYourVagina but then we realized we’re both too disorganized to start another blog anyway and that neither of us are prepared for a long vaginal court battle with Eve Ensler even though now that I’m typing that out it kind of sounds awesome. Like, exhibit A: a letter from my vagina about freedom of expression. Care to cross-examine, prosecutor? No, I didn’t think so. The defense rests, your honor.