If I get fired before my last day of work I’m totally going to act out that scene from Jerry Maguire when security comes. Not that “Show me the money” scene. The one where he rides off in a jet and is all “That’s right, Iceman. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Val Kilmer. I may be confusing my Tom Cruise movies. I’ll probably just yell “Wolverines” instead.

Manager:  You sure are working hard today.

Me:  Well all these viruses aren’t going to program themselves.

One way or another this is going to be my last week of work.

Comment of the day: How about hosting an open house of your office? Cookies on the desk, to rent signs on the door, even hire an agent. That will get you quick notice. ~ Sprite’s Keeper

116 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Badass.

  2. Whoa, take it easy! No need to make everyone else look bad!

    Congrats on your impending unemployment!

    becky’s last blog post..Blind Date

  3. Try talking only through a sock puppet. It worked for me. And it was especially great when HR called me in, because I just assumed the puppet was the one in trouble.

    Oh, and you ARE HR! That will give the puppet thing an extra “multiple personality” dimension!

    Man, you are so lucky.

    Libby’s last blog post..Tara Ruins Everything

  4. Just talk in a high pitched voice all day. It worked for me.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..Twilight: The Live Action Role Playing Game

  5. You’re in HR – your manager should already be aware that no one works until a performance review is imminent. And with no performance reviews in your future, why on earth would you work?

    On the plus side, if you do get fired, you can apply for unemployment benefits, because clearly they fired you for your disability (not sure if it’s the mental one or RA, but whatever).

    a’s last blog post..Insurance

  6. Is it wrong that I’m jealous you’re going to be unemployed? Because I am…

    gingela5’s last blog post..The Next Ansel Adams…

  7. DOOD. Your TITLE was longer than your POST. That is nine kinds of STELLAR. You’re my hero!

    Dory’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #21

  8. I love that your post title was longer than your actual post. Also, I’d love to see you do that weird biting action that Tom Cruise did in Top Gun when you make your “scene.” That would be fantastic.

    Except that it was Val Kilmer who did that.

    Fuck me. Now I’m totally confused. (But still think you should totally do it).

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..And So, To Summarize, Mine Are Pink

  9. Be sure to steal as much office supplies as possible before you go. On the plus side, now that you’re unemployed you can come live at our place with the hobo neighbors.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..The Show Will Go On After I’m Gone

  10. … didn’t Goose take a picture while Iceman slipped Maverick the tongue? You should totally photo shop some sort of *ahem* parting gift for your boss… Boss added to the Iceman/Maverick French kiss might be appropriate. Ya know, just a thought.

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..…and Your Little Dog of a Don’t Follow Link Too! *updated*

  11. I personally think you should have some fake eyeballs implanted NOW…you know, just to be safe. And then, when the firing time comes you can jump up on the desk and be all like, “I’ll be your Huckleberry,” and twirl your coffee mug with your finger before you bolt out of the office, cursing HR in a REALLY bad Irish accent.

    Byron’s last blog post..No Prescription Needed…

  12. Pretty please let me know if you require any assistance making out with Val Kilmer.

    penne’s last blog post..If you are employed by Child Protective Services just go on ahead to the next blog now, and have a nice day.

  13. I will not be finishing my breakfast now thanks to your making me picture Tom Cruise making out with Val Kilmer. Because honestly? I don’t want to picture Tom Cruise making out with ANYONE. Dear god.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Blog Is A Stinking Bugger! (Or Maybe I Am?) Plus: We Should Totally Bring Back Microfiche!

  14. Tom Cruise makes me want to punch myself in the face.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Dear Allie

  15. We are talking about THEN Val Kilmer right? Cause NOW Val Kilmer is kinda creepy. Or maybe Tombstone Val Kilmer…but without the TB…yeah that would work.

    Dani’s last blog post..Just so you know, pagans send the best easter greetings…

  16. I like the uncertainty of impending sabotage.

    Thank you so much. I was on auto-pilot for TWO years, getting superlative (non)performance evals. Gawd, is there anything worse than pretending to work? Now I feel normal. Happy ending to HR drudgery, from one drudge to another, that is.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post.."Happy, Happy Birthday, Blahgy…"

  17. so nasty…so truthful…so what…i mean, so wunderful

  18. If that happens, please videotape it and post it here.

    David Cain’s last blog post..Raptitude Experiment No. 1 — Sharpening the Mind

  19. Me? I’m just twittering asshole things. That should get my point across.

    So now you can drink at like 11:30 and it doesn’t matter.

    And you’ll write better.

    I do.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..mysqlerror

  20. And then take off your shirt. I’m telling you, it works every time. Usually.

    Bridget’s last blog post..Wednesday’s Song of the Week

  21. What does your company’s dress code say about roller skates?

    What do you think you can make it say about roller skates from now on?

    jenniebee’s last blog post..Context

  22. Steal supplies!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..My Kids Are After My Life Insurance

  23. Hey, Jen? If you get really good at spreading viruses there…I have an ex (or two, or three) that I’d perhaps be interested in hiring you to infect. Oh wait…that didn’t come out sounding quite right…

    Lori Hutcherson a.k.a. kcgirlgeek’s last blog post..Disabilities Do Not Make Us Less Than Other People

  24. I hope it’s at least one of those viruses that takes a fraction of a penny off everything and puts it in your offshore account … oh wait, that was Office Space.

    CasaRosa’s last blog post..QTF Was I Thinking?

  25. 25

    Only effective if done whilst dressed in only tighty whities, I’m afraid.

  26. Is that the scene where he’s just wearing a oxford shirt with the tighty whiteys? Because that was my favourite part too.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..Overheard on the subway

  27. Hurry up and get back to dishing out advice on PNN – we all will be better for it.

    Meryl’s last blog post..The Birds

  28. man, if only you could find a programmer to engineer SOFTWARE that made “WOLVERINES” flash on everyone’s screen at least 5 times a day. now THERE’S an untapped niche: subversive software engineer

    cat’s last blog post..Safety First

  29. Speaking of reenacting movie scenes for your Grand Exit, how bout that last scene in ‘An Officer And a Gentleman,’ with Guy Kawasaki coming in to whisk you away to your awaiting social media/blog bliss-state. Then you could REALLY say you’d been Kawasaki’d. 😉

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..It’s Just Another Kind of Grass

  30. Goose, ya big stud… I won’t play Top Gun without Goose.

    Tammy’s last blog post..Hello Cleveland!

  31. If you act out Jerry Maguire does that mean you have to try to get someone to leave with you?

    Good luck with that in this economy. Only a total boob would quit a decent…. oh wait.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Pregnancy and Gardening

  32. I think you should just talk at an elevated volume all day and look perpetually shocked at everything that happens.

    Natalie’s last blog post..All This Can Be Yours If…..

  33. How about hosting an open house of your office? Cookies on the desk, to rent signs on the door, even hire an agent. That will get you quick notice.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Breaking The Rules

  34. Wolverines!!!

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Something in the water

  35. You need to outsource to India for your virus needs.

    One Love.

    Eddie Lynn’s last blog post..PSA – Know the Rules

  36. just keep yelling:

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  37. We have a really inappropriate HR person at my company. Almost every day she does something that makes me think she is quitting so she is just doing crazy things to fuck with us. Like the day she made these little “you know your co-worker is gay when…” flyers and put them in everyone’s mailbox. That was an awesome day.

    Lemish’s last blog post..Mine is about vah jays

  38. Take the red stapler!!

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Interview With A Mother

  39. 39
    skinny malinky

    Any chance you just missed your manager’s sarcasm?

  40. If its your last week you should totally go out with a bang and start talking with a different accent like every few hours. First southern, then european, new york.

    I did that when I worked retail…Good Times

    Or learn to say wolverine in several different languages and shout it out randomly during the day… That’s a great way to make your exit.

    R~’s last blog post..You won’t get away with it.

  41. 41

    As someone in a similar position to you, I say turn your laziness into a selfless act for your employer. You’re not slacking — you’re preparing the workplace for your absence by gradually phasing your output to nil. Really, they should be thanking you.

  42. You know what you should do? Right before you walk out the door, you should be all like, “HEY RICHARD! Yeah! By the way, Jim from accounting slept with your wife at the Christmas party. And Betty! Yeah, everyone knows those are fake!”
    It works on two levels: if you do actually have all those people in your office, you’ve totally gone out in a blaze of glory. If you don’t, then everyone’s gonne be like, “Who the F were those people? OMG, do you think she was really talking about people in this office?!” And then they spend all their time trying to figure out who you were talking about, and thereby talking about you and how awesome you are to know all the office gossip.

    OMG, I really need a better job.

  43. buy an issue of tiger beat, and make an altar for Zac Efron in your office, telling everyone that he is your new god. “Come and worship at the alter of Zac Efron!”

  44. No, you NEED to reenact the security scene from “Fight Club”. That way you can be unemployed and still be receiving paychecks to fund your destructive lifestyle.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..white trash

  45. Just walk around knocking shit off people’s desk and then yell loudly “What are you gonna do? Fire me?”. Do that enough times and maybe they will.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Unemployment Is An Asshole

  46. 46

    Put a sign on your trash can that says “In-Box”

  47. They’ll miss you when you’re gone.


    pam’s last blog post..Snow on April 7 God? Really

  48. I love you. You always say the things I want to and don’t have the nerve to.

    V for Vicarious, I guess.

    –V’s last blog post..Results from my evaluation

  49. 49

    Infect something for me 🙂

  50. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!

  51. I don’t think you confused the Tom Cruise movies, because isn’t that every Tom Cruise movie?

  52. Wait, wait, wait…was this before Val Kilmer got all fat and fugly? Because really, I can’t recall a time when Val would even be close to being hot enough for Tom’s secret gay buddy range. Now Val Kilmer being eaten by a wolverine, more believable, why? I haven’t seen him in gay porn, that’s why.

    Anyways, good luck with the last week of work, you’re gonna need it. Probably not, but it sounded good to say.

  53. Kudos for the Blog-length title. Well played my friend…well played.

    Michel’s last blog post..Cream to the Cheese

  54. 54

    With each post you become slightly more unhinged and display ever-increasing maniacal tendencies. I say go for it!


  55. You are hilarious. I’m pretty sure my site would annoy the fuck out of you, but, to be honest, it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes.

    Positively Present’s last blog post..getting to know you

  56. Don’t work so hard. Remember – it’s a NON-profit.

  57. I totally see this as your last day at work

    Maybe ripping your shirt off may be a bit much … but maybe not.

  58. Here’s a suggestion: When you’re in HR, just fix them with a steely glare and shout, “You can’t HANDLE the truth!”

    Then show them your cleavage. Works every time…trust me.

  59. I pity the fool that takes your old job.

    “Oh, you’re not half as funny as Jenny. And where are your meds? And your confidence wig? And your cleavage? Jeez, Simon, you really suck.”

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..I’m Too Grown Up To Be Playing With Toys

  60. So are you the person responsible for the Connicker (Conficker? Confucker?) worm that we supposedly knew about forever but no one decided to inform the general public UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING? In which case, you won this round Batman.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Students

  61. Stock up on pens before you leave. I’m getting low on pens again and should have gone “office supply shopping” one more time before I quit last year…

  62. I think you should just stand next to the fax machine all day and tell them your waiting for a very important document. Or you could page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) and then if your manager bugs you again just tell her you are in an important meeting and ask to take a message. Then go back to chiseling your window so at least you can feel you accomplished something at this darn job.

  63. Wow, and I didn’t even bother to steal office supplies before I left my job (and I love me some office supplies).


    annie’s last blog post..A Mountain Wedding

  64. Make several batches of your new infamous cookies called Wolverines. Like snickerdoodles only with ex-lax and walnut bits. Hand them out with reckless abandon. Then, as they escort you out, hoardes will be shouting, from the bathrooms all over town, “Wolverines!”

  65. Anxiously waiting to get all the forwarded emails alerting me to the new “Wolverine Virus” that could wioe out my system.

    I will write to Snopes right now so they can start their research.

    William’s last blog post..Guns and the Tooth fairy

  66. Just took a deep breath, shook my head back and forth and now I’ll go back and reread this post. I bet your coworkers are crying a little bit right now.

    Beth’s last blog post..

  67. it would be even cooler if Tom Cruise slid into your office in only socks and a button down, yelled “Wolverines!”, and then made out with Val Kilmer. That would be an awesome last day. you should work on that.

    Hannah’s last blog post..the one where I think I can play tennis and get my arm stuck in a park bench

  68. I love you!

    Jules’s last blog post..Think this Shit Happens to Hillary?

  69. 69

    I keep thinking ~ what if your manager secretly reads your blog and knows you want this to be you last week? your plans could backfire and they might make you work overtime out of spite!

  70. 70

    Wow, do you even have a character limit on your blog titles?
    Unless you want to be able to go back to that job if your newfound freedom doesn’t work out (which totally won’t happen, cos you’re awesome), I’m pretty sure that between you and your readers you can come up with an incredible list of things to do when it’s your last week on the job. And do them all.

  71. Just jump on a couch and join Scientology already.

    Snotty McSnotterson’s last blog post..A Different Kind of FAIL Whale

  72. You should slide across the floor in your underwear and a button-down with a fake microphone and sunglasses as you shout “Wolverines”.

    Just saying.

    Kelley Clark’s last blog post..Huzzah for the Melanoma Gene!

  73. i started laughing from the title. but then…i read some of the comments and i practically farmer blew all over my computer screen. and that kinda sucks because i have a really heavy duty cold.
    sorry about your upcoming unemployment.

  74. hahahahahaa…


    ms. changes pants while driving’s last blog post..little earthquake

  75. Hehe

    Karen’s last blog post..In Memory of Madeline

  76. Brilliant answer! I want it on a t-shirt!

    emma’s last blog post..Romance with Robitussin

  77. there’s a movie where tom cruise makes out with val kilmer? kewl *goes to blockbusters and demands a copy*

    yeah – and WOLVERINES!

    Sheila’s last blog post..Sit on Kev’s face, and tell him you love him

  78. Awesome. Looking forward to things getting more entertaining as your last week progresses…

    Make the most of every oppurtinity to frustrate your boss. I mean, it’s the last chance you’ll get for a while since you’re taking time off. Though I suppose that technically means you’re working for yourself and therefore your own boss, so you could always frustrate yourself…

    I am confused. More coffee.

    Jelly’s last blog post..The Gardener and the Blow Job.

  79. Have you considered simply mumbling?

    Time-tested, fool-proved, disarmingly effective non-communication.

    You can have your mmmm hmmmhmmmm . . … and eat it too.

    BTW, Where the fuck are the answers to all our burning questions at WWTBD? The crowd is getting muy impatiente, muher. Most of them can no longer feed or dress themselves because all they do is wait for a solution . . . I have lost 8 pounds.

  80. jenny, you rock! you can be my wingman ANYtime!! ;D

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  81. ps. can i borrow your confidence wig. o, and some meds too…evidently someone volunteered me for my first solo in church this weekend… 😛

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  82. having just cleaned up my own puke, I don’t have it in me to read all 81 comments, so I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned it, but…

    I think you need to add the part about, “And I’m taking the fish.”

    If that’s not a way to walk out with your head held high, I don’t know what is.

    jen from boston’s last blog post..It’s Hard Out Here for a Caucasian

  83. You must, must, must, must, must scream “WOLVERINES!!!!” as you are escorted out of the building by security.

    You simply must.

  84. What an amateur. Viruses. *SNORT!* You’re totally supposed to download so much porn that you crash the server! DUH!

    Some people…

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Ice Ice Baby

  85. Kick ass! This was my first week of self-employment, too. It’s a bit stressful.

    father muskrat’s last blog post..it is finished

  86. Hope your stealing some good office supplies. Be all casual as you walk out with the printer shoved down your dress.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Odd Ad

  87. You wanted that to be a tweet, dintcha? 140 characters don’t always encompass the thoughts that a title can carry. Thank Gawd, I think.

    Jess’s last blog post..Tweets

  88. i think you could probably fit a stapler in your vagina.

    if you wanted.

    katiekins’s last blog post..twenty five months

  89. You should shout Wolverines and see if anyone gets it confused for the movie that was leaked on the web. For better effect, do this in the IT department.

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Education

  90. There was a scene in Top Gun where Tom Cruise said something to Val Kilmer that really pissed him off (I’m not sure what it was because they were in the locker room and most of them were topless so I was too busy looking at man boobies to pay attention to the dialogue) (and also, I think I should have said “shirtless” up there instead of “topless”but I’m not sure why it feels wrong to call a man “topless” so until someone can give me a good reason I’m leaving it) but anyway Val Kilmer makes this biting gesture at Tom Cruise and it was like the hottest thing I’d ever seen (I was 13 and hadn’t gotten out much at that point) and made me all sweaty but in a good way. And ever since then I have wanted Val Kilmer to bite me. And by “bite me” I don’t mean “You suck, I hate you, you can bite me” — I mean… Well, I think you know what I mean.

  91. Val Kilmer has gotten really, really fat. Just so you know. Not that I care what he does with his life, but the fantasy for me is over.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Ten Years, Retrospective

  92. Let me clarify: I want hot, young, 1984 Top Gun Val Kilmer to bite me. Not the 2009 fat version.

    Just so we’re clear.

  93. I made a photo montage just so we’re all on the same page here:


    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Males Showing Off

  94. I’d settle for Top Secret or Real Genius Val Kilmer. God I miss the 80s.

  95. WOLVER… fuck. 30 people already said that.

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..Rants/Bitching/FAILs/Boo!

  96. I think EVERYONE needs to come to work and find their office supplies suspended in green gelatin. Tell them you brought snacks to work.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Nice People Acting Badly or Why I’m Damn Close to Quitting My Job

  97. That’s grand 🙂 Good luck with the paper clip vest btw!

    Marisa’s last blog post..Vaccinations – The Big Debate

  98. Live the dream, baby. Do it because we can’t.

    ozma’s last blog post..Hell!

  99. it’s like 3am here and I’ve just found this.. and I’m feeling all warm and mezzed out on the Xanax and thinking “when did I start writing this shit?” I got fired after returning from a short term disability leave for, get this, BEING SICK!! I wanted to yell something, not really Wolverines, more like “fuck you assholes!” So now I’m unemployed, sitting on the computer and have more money now than when I was working, and the EEOC and ADA are going to represent me. I told them, don’t fuck with bitch you hired me to be! So, like, anyway, I’m with ya. Oh and labia thingy. Check this. I’m like watching my labia get longer and longer over the years and thinking, Jesus, if I push them to one side I look like I’ve got the best package but then most people think I’m a tranny before surgery so I thought maybe, use a clip or something, but then, I farted. I can’t tell you the feeling. I was sitting and it was one of those “slip out the ass” types that roll out like bubbles. You know? And then it hit the labia and while they fluttered I swear, I had an orgasm. Get me a job?

  100. Aim high! You should do your best to get “escorted” out by armed personnel. I’ll call the press for you. Any publicity is good publicity, after all…

    LiLu’s last blog post..The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume VI

  101. I just visited one of your other sites, Ask the bloggess. I was offended by the obscene picture of a body part I was forced to I.D.
    Does Derek know you are using his favorite place to have sex as a way to fight off spammers?

  102. 102

    Happy Unemployment!

  103. I idolize your complete Awesomeness. If I grow up, can I be just like you? Please?

    Erin’s last blog post..A letter to Ryan.

  104. Hello, Jennifer, this is Ted in Accounting.

    We have a little discrepancy here in bookkeeping… we seem to be short a little bit. Well, only three million. . …and four hundred fifty thousand. We managed to track the discrepancy to your computer, Mrs Lawson, and we discovered that you somehow purchased 46,320 costume wigs and also 33,845 bottles of Female Phermone Male Enhancement Guaranteed To Get Him So Hot You Won’t Make It Upstairs and charged all of it to this agency. . . . ?
    We’d like to talk to you Mrs Law——MRS LAWSON?!? ARE YOU THERE?!? Where the FUCK did she get to?!?!? Hello, Mrs. Lawson, we just want to talk . . . we don’t want any trouble……we just need to talk. . . . .

  105. I throw feces. Nothing says “I hate you people” more. Then if your next prospective employer calls your references and says “hey, would you rehire this guy?” They’ll say “Hell no, he threw shit all over me.” Then you can sue them after having thrown shit on them. It’s a total double whammy.

    mayopie’s last blog post..I shot a 12 year old in the face

  106. Don’t you mean the one where he drives off in a car and is all “That’s right, Russ. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Cary Elwes? It’s possible I’m more confused about Tom Cruise movies than you are. Yelling “Wolverines” is better anyway.

    Love that not only your heading but even the category list is longer than your actual post but it’s still great.

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  107. Hello, Jennifer, this is Ted in Accounting again.

    We are a little worried. We did further checks on your computer on the matter raised with you earlier. When we tried to check your internet history again we could only find websites concerning ninjas, wolverines doing things we would rather not know about, & errrrr, female body parts. In fact the entire accounting system seems to have been replaced with these sites. There is also now what appears to be a locked screensaver on the whole network saying something about “pwnd” & “Bloggess” which we couldn’t quite understand. Hello, Mrs, Lawson, sorry, did you say “stabbed” & “ankle”, is that laughter I can hear?, hello, are you there, hello….?” *click*

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  108. Are you saying you want to make out with Val Kilmer? Or you want to watch Tom Cruise make out with Val Kilmer? ‘Cause the latter would be more than a little creepy, if you ask me. And, it might piss Katie off.


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Financial advisors secrets, revealed

  109. yah. employers, especially bosses in hr, should know by now that having someone stick around for more than a week after giving notice is asking for a shitshow. it’s too tempting.
    your reply btw, brilliant.
    you are so my new hero.

    &hearts, leel

  110. I went through the danger zone, but only got a “meets expectations” on my performance review. I knew I should have yelled “Wolverines”. Thanks for the tip.

    popGeezer’s last blog post..Ben Folds’ Ryman Chorale & The Lost Art of Music Appreciation

  111. You are listed on the blog list of Angie at Keep Believing. You know that she lost her husband to cancer on March 17. Angie and Brian would have celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary on April 19. I am hoping that I can get everyone in her blog list to post on their blogs at 12:00 am on April 19 a post with the title “Keep Believing” so that when she opens her blog, her blog list is filled with recent posts all titled “Keep Believing”. I don’t know how else to arrange this other than commenting on blogs, so forgive my off-topic comment. I would ask that you keep the post up for 24 hours in case she doesn’t look right away, and you don’t have to publish anything with it, just the title will do. I am using the scheduled post feature provided by blogger so I don’t forget. Thanks so much. Heather.

  112. Its interesting how your title is longer than your post. Your talents never cease to amaze me.

    Brandy’s last blog post..What it be yo?

  113. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so impressed by you! I love that you quit your job to write full time. That is super cool!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Amigoland by Oscar Casares

  114. I’m thinking “Wolverines” is what Tom Cruise yells every time he’s impregnating Katie Couric, or whatever her name is.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Happy Easter

  115. laughs out loud…Finally a blog I can love.

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