If I get fired before my last day of work I’m totally going to act out that scene from Jerry Maguire when security comes. Not that “Show me the money” scene. The one where he rides off in a jet and is all “That’s right, Iceman. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Val Kilmer. I may be confusing my Tom Cruise movies. I’ll probably just yell “Wolverines” instead.

in conversations, I'm not really full of mosquitoes, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, Sometimes I get Top Gun and real life confused in my head, terrible titles

Manager:  You sure are working hard today.

Me:  Well all these viruses aren’t going to program themselves.

One way or another this is going to be my last week of work.

Comment of the day: How about hosting an open house of your office? Cookies on the desk, to rent signs on the door, even hire an agent. That will get you quick notice. ~ Sprite’s Keeper

116 thoughts on “If I get fired before my last day of work I’m totally going to act out that scene from Jerry Maguire when security comes. Not that “Show me the money” scene. The one where he rides off in a jet and is all “That’s right, Iceman. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Val Kilmer. I may be confusing my Tom Cruise movies. I’ll probably just yell “Wolverines” instead.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Try talking only through a sock puppet. It worked for me. And it was especially great when HR called me in, because I just assumed the puppet was the one in trouble.

    Oh, and you ARE HR! That will give the puppet thing an extra “multiple personality” dimension!

    Man, you are so lucky.

    Libby’s last blog post..Tara Ruins Everything

  5. You’re in HR – your manager should already be aware that no one works until a performance review is imminent. And with no performance reviews in your future, why on earth would you work?

    On the plus side, if you do get fired, you can apply for unemployment benefits, because clearly they fired you for your disability (not sure if it’s the mental one or RA, but whatever).

    a’s last blog post..Insurance

  8. I love that your post title was longer than your actual post. Also, I’d love to see you do that weird biting action that Tom Cruise did in Top Gun when you make your “scene.” That would be fantastic.

    Except that it was Val Kilmer who did that.

    Fuck me. Now I’m totally confused. (But still think you should totally do it).

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..And So, To Summarize, Mine Are Pink

  11. I personally think you should have some fake eyeballs implanted NOW…you know, just to be safe. And then, when the firing time comes you can jump up on the desk and be all like, “I’ll be your Huckleberry,” and twirl your coffee mug with your finger before you bolt out of the office, cursing HR in a REALLY bad Irish accent.

    Byron’s last blog post..No Prescription Needed…

  16. I like the uncertainty of impending sabotage.

    Thank you so much. I was on auto-pilot for TWO years, getting superlative (non)performance evals. Gawd, is there anything worse than pretending to work? Now I feel normal. Happy ending to HR drudgery, from one drudge to another, that is.

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post.."Happy, Happy Birthday, Blahgy…"

  19. Me? I’m just twittering asshole things. That should get my point across.

    So now you can drink at like 11:30 and it doesn’t matter.

    And you’ll write better.

    I do.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..mysqlerror

  21. What does your company’s dress code say about roller skates?

    What do you think you can make it say about roller skates from now on?

    jenniebee’s last blog post..Context

  24. I hope it’s at least one of those viruses that takes a fraction of a penny off everything and puts it in your offshore account … oh wait, that was Office Space.

    CasaRosa’s last blog post..QTF Was I Thinking?

  25. Only effective if done whilst dressed in only tighty whities, I’m afraid.

  28. man, if only you could find a programmer to engineer SOFTWARE that made “WOLVERINES” flash on everyone’s screen at least 5 times a day. now THERE’S an untapped niche: subversive software engineer

    cat’s last blog post..Safety First

  29. Speaking of reenacting movie scenes for your Grand Exit, how bout that last scene in ‘An Officer And a Gentleman,’ with Guy Kawasaki coming in to whisk you away to your awaiting social media/blog bliss-state. Then you could REALLY say you’d been Kawasaki’d. 😉

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..It’s Just Another Kind of Grass

  37. We have a really inappropriate HR person at my company. Almost every day she does something that makes me think she is quitting so she is just doing crazy things to fuck with us. Like the day she made these little “you know your co-worker is gay when…” flyers and put them in everyone’s mailbox. That was an awesome day.

    Lemish’s last blog post..Mine is about vah jays

  40. If its your last week you should totally go out with a bang and start talking with a different accent like every few hours. First southern, then european, new york.

    I did that when I worked retail…Good Times

    Or learn to say wolverine in several different languages and shout it out randomly during the day… That’s a great way to make your exit.

    R~’s last blog post..You won’t get away with it.

  41. As someone in a similar position to you, I say turn your laziness into a selfless act for your employer. You’re not slacking — you’re preparing the workplace for your absence by gradually phasing your output to nil. Really, they should be thanking you.

  42. You know what you should do? Right before you walk out the door, you should be all like, “HEY RICHARD! Yeah! By the way, Jim from accounting slept with your wife at the Christmas party. And Betty! Yeah, everyone knows those are fake!”
    It works on two levels: if you do actually have all those people in your office, you’ve totally gone out in a blaze of glory. If you don’t, then everyone’s gonne be like, “Who the F were those people? OMG, do you think she was really talking about people in this office?!” And then they spend all their time trying to figure out who you were talking about, and thereby talking about you and how awesome you are to know all the office gossip.

    OMG, I really need a better job.

  43. buy an issue of tiger beat, and make an altar for Zac Efron in your office, telling everyone that he is your new god. “Come and worship at the alter of Zac Efron!”

  44. No, you NEED to reenact the security scene from “Fight Club”. That way you can be unemployed and still be receiving paychecks to fund your destructive lifestyle.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..white trash

  51. I don’t think you confused the Tom Cruise movies, because isn’t that every Tom Cruise movie?

  52. Wait, wait, wait…was this before Val Kilmer got all fat and fugly? Because really, I can’t recall a time when Val would even be close to being hot enough for Tom’s secret gay buddy range. Now Val Kilmer being eaten by a wolverine, more believable, why? I haven’t seen him in gay porn, that’s why.

    Anyways, good luck with the last week of work, you’re gonna need it. Probably not, but it sounded good to say.

  54. With each post you become slightly more unhinged and display ever-increasing maniacal tendencies. I say go for it!

    WOLVERINES!!!

  58. Here’s a suggestion: When you’re in HR, just fix them with a steely glare and shout, “You can’t HANDLE the truth!”

    Then show them your cleavage. Works every time…trust me.

  60. So are you the person responsible for the Connicker (Conficker? Confucker?) worm that we supposedly knew about forever but no one decided to inform the general public UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING? In which case, you won this round Batman.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Students

  61. Stock up on pens before you leave. I’m getting low on pens again and should have gone “office supply shopping” one more time before I quit last year…

  62. I think you should just stand next to the fax machine all day and tell them your waiting for a very important document. Or you could page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) and then if your manager bugs you again just tell her you are in an important meeting and ask to take a message. Then go back to chiseling your window so at least you can feel you accomplished something at this darn job.

  64. Make several batches of your new infamous cookies called Wolverines. Like snickerdoodles only with ex-lax and walnut bits. Hand them out with reckless abandon. Then, as they escort you out, hoardes will be shouting, from the bathrooms all over town, “Wolverines!”

  65. Anxiously waiting to get all the forwarded emails alerting me to the new “Wolverine Virus” that could wioe out my system.

    I will write to Snopes right now so they can start their research.

    William’s last blog post..Guns and the Tooth fairy

  66. Just took a deep breath, shook my head back and forth and now I’ll go back and reread this post. I bet your coworkers are crying a little bit right now.

    Beth’s last blog post..

  69. I keep thinking ~ what if your manager secretly reads your blog and knows you want this to be you last week? your plans could backfire and they might make you work overtime out of spite!

  70. Wow, do you even have a character limit on your blog titles?
    Unless you want to be able to go back to that job if your newfound freedom doesn’t work out (which totally won’t happen, cos you’re awesome), I’m pretty sure that between you and your readers you can come up with an incredible list of things to do when it’s your last week on the job. And do them all.

  73. i started laughing from the title. but then…i read some of the comments and i practically farmer blew all over my computer screen. and that kinda sucks because i have a really heavy duty cold.
    sorry about your upcoming unemployment.

  78. Awesome. Looking forward to things getting more entertaining as your last week progresses…

    Make the most of every oppurtinity to frustrate your boss. I mean, it’s the last chance you’ll get for a while since you’re taking time off. Though I suppose that technically means you’re working for yourself and therefore your own boss, so you could always frustrate yourself…

    I am confused. More coffee.

    Jelly’s last blog post..The Gardener and the Blow Job.

  79. Have you considered simply mumbling?

    Time-tested, fool-proved, disarmingly effective non-communication.

    You can have your mmmm hmmmhmmmm . . … and eat it too.

    BTW, Where the fuck are the answers to all our burning questions at WWTBD? The crowd is getting muy impatiente, muher. Most of them can no longer feed or dress themselves because all they do is wait for a solution . . . I have lost 8 pounds.

  81. ps. can i borrow your confidence wig. o, and some meds too…evidently someone volunteered me for my first solo in church this weekend… 😛

    Gillian’s last blog post..Facing the Giants

  82. having just cleaned up my own puke, I don’t have it in me to read all 81 comments, so I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned it, but…

    I think you need to add the part about, “And I’m taking the fish.”

    If that’s not a way to walk out with your head held high, I don’t know what is.

    jen from boston’s last blog post..It’s Hard Out Here for a Caucasian

  83. You must, must, must, must, must scream “WOLVERINES!!!!” as you are escorted out of the building by security.

    You simply must.

  86. Hope your stealing some good office supplies. Be all casual as you walk out with the printer shoved down your dress.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Odd Ad

  87. You wanted that to be a tweet, dintcha? 140 characters don’t always encompass the thoughts that a title can carry. Thank Gawd, I think.

    Jess’s last blog post..Tweets

  89. You should shout Wolverines and see if anyone gets it confused for the movie that was leaked on the web. For better effect, do this in the IT department.

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Education

  90. There was a scene in Top Gun where Tom Cruise said something to Val Kilmer that really pissed him off (I’m not sure what it was because they were in the locker room and most of them were topless so I was too busy looking at man boobies to pay attention to the dialogue) (and also, I think I should have said “shirtless” up there instead of “topless”but I’m not sure why it feels wrong to call a man “topless” so until someone can give me a good reason I’m leaving it) but anyway Val Kilmer makes this biting gesture at Tom Cruise and it was like the hottest thing I’d ever seen (I was 13 and hadn’t gotten out much at that point) and made me all sweaty but in a good way. And ever since then I have wanted Val Kilmer to bite me. And by “bite me” I don’t mean “You suck, I hate you, you can bite me” — I mean… Well, I think you know what I mean.

  92. Let me clarify: I want hot, young, 1984 Top Gun Val Kilmer to bite me. Not the 2009 fat version.

    Just so we’re clear.

  94. I’d settle for Top Secret or Real Genius Val Kilmer. God I miss the 80s.

  99. it’s like 3am here and I’ve just found this.. and I’m feeling all warm and mezzed out on the Xanax and thinking “when did I start writing this shit?” I got fired after returning from a short term disability leave for, get this, BEING SICK!! I wanted to yell something, not really Wolverines, more like “fuck you assholes!” So now I’m unemployed, sitting on the computer and have more money now than when I was working, and the EEOC and ADA are going to represent me. I told them, don’t fuck with bitch you hired me to be! So, like, anyway, I’m with ya. Oh and labia thingy. Check this. I’m like watching my labia get longer and longer over the years and thinking, Jesus, if I push them to one side I look like I’ve got the best package but then most people think I’m a tranny before surgery so I thought maybe, use a clip or something, but then, I farted. I can’t tell you the feeling. I was sitting and it was one of those “slip out the ass” types that roll out like bubbles. You know? And then it hit the labia and while they fluttered I swear, I had an orgasm. Get me a job?

  101. I just visited one of your other sites, Ask the bloggess. I was offended by the obscene picture of a body part I was forced to I.D.
    Does Derek know you are using his favorite place to have sex as a way to fight off spammers?

  104. Hello, Jennifer, this is Ted in Accounting.

    We have a little discrepancy here in bookkeeping… we seem to be short a little bit. Well, only three million. . …and four hundred fifty thousand. We managed to track the discrepancy to your computer, Mrs Lawson, and we discovered that you somehow purchased 46,320 costume wigs and also 33,845 bottles of Female Phermone Male Enhancement Guaranteed To Get Him So Hot You Won’t Make It Upstairs and charged all of it to this agency. . . . ?
    We’d like to talk to you Mrs Law——MRS LAWSON?!? ARE YOU THERE?!? Where the FUCK did she get to?!?!? Hello, Mrs. Lawson, we just want to talk . . . we don’t want any trouble……we just need to talk. . . . .

  106. I throw feces. Nothing says “I hate you people” more. Then if your next prospective employer calls your references and says “hey, would you rehire this guy?” They’ll say “Hell no, he threw shit all over me.” Then you can sue them after having thrown shit on them. It’s a total double whammy.

    mayopie’s last blog post..I shot a 12 year old in the face

  107. Don’t you mean the one where he drives off in a car and is all “That’s right, Russ. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Cary Elwes? It’s possible I’m more confused about Tom Cruise movies than you are. Yelling “Wolverines” is better anyway.

    Love that not only your heading but even the category list is longer than your actual post but it’s still great.

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  108. Hello, Jennifer, this is Ted in Accounting again.

    We are a little worried. We did further checks on your computer on the matter raised with you earlier. When we tried to check your internet history again we could only find websites concerning ninjas, wolverines doing things we would rather not know about, & errrrr, female body parts. In fact the entire accounting system seems to have been replaced with these sites. There is also now what appears to be a locked screensaver on the whole network saying something about “pwnd” & “Bloggess” which we couldn’t quite understand. Hello, Mrs, Lawson, sorry, did you say “stabbed” & “ankle”, is that laughter I can hear?, hello, are you there, hello….?” *click*

    Greg (aka Drolgerg)’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  110. yah. employers, especially bosses in hr, should know by now that having someone stick around for more than a week after giving notice is asking for a shitshow. it’s too tempting.
    your reply btw, brilliant.
    you are so my new hero.

    &hearts, leel

  112. You are listed on the blog list of Angie at Keep Believing. You know that she lost her husband to cancer on March 17. Angie and Brian would have celebrated their 12th wedding anniversary on April 19. I am hoping that I can get everyone in her blog list to post on their blogs at 12:00 am on April 19 a post with the title “Keep Believing” so that when she opens her blog, her blog list is filled with recent posts all titled “Keep Believing”. I don’t know how else to arrange this other than commenting on blogs, so forgive my off-topic comment. I would ask that you keep the post up for 24 hours in case she doesn’t look right away, and you don’t have to publish anything with it, just the title will do. I am using the scheduled post feature provided by blogger so I don’t forget. Thanks so much. Heather.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Hailey wrote a 10 minute play for school called Happy Fun Times and it won the audience choice award last night! So proud of them.
My doctor is ghosting me.
May we all have as much joy as Dorothy Barker when the treat drawer opens.
Dear anonymous stranger who left this for me: you saved me right back. Thank you.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

%d bloggers like this: