Twitter will not fix your car.

Today after I picked up Hailey from daycare I rolled down all the car windows to get a bug out of the car and then they wouldn’t roll back up.  Then it starts raining sideways and Hailey is freaking out and we’re both soaked and screaming and everyone passing us slows down to look at us like we’re mentally ill and I keep hitting the window wipers because I can’t see and then I realize that it’s because of all the water on the inside of the windshield.  Then we finally get home and Victor checks all the fuses and they’re fine but the windows are still all stuck down and so I decide to ask twitter how to fix stuck windows on a Saturn and within an hour I had like 80 responses, which is kind of amazingly helpful until you look at them. A few direct quotes:

“It’s a fuse.”

“It’s not a fuse.”

“It’s the relays to the hood.”

“it’s probably a bad wire to the circuit board.”

“Sounds like it could be a memory chip”

“maybe the window thingy got wet?”

“A Saturn Vue?  I think it says in the manual that you can’t roll all the windows down at once or else they might get stuck.”

“All signs point to……special window motor?”

“Is the car running? Some power windows don’t work if you don’t have the car on.”

“turn the car on”

“use the wind-y handle thingy.”

“Grab both sides of the window (flat hands) and pull up while someone else pushes the button.”

“duct tape. garbage bag. done.”

“I think the car will eventually dry…or smell.”

“Turn the car upside down and shake it.”

“I think the Gov backs up GM stuff now.”

“It’s the battery”

“pee on the battery”

“the solution is dead hobos. drape them over the windows. 8 should do it unless they’re fat. or blankets.”

“Did you put the window locks on accidentally? You know, like so the kids won’t roll them down and throw your purse out on I10?”

“You have the child locks on.”

“pee on the child locks”

“Looks like you’re screwed.”

“Ok, you’re going to need an old priest and a young priest….”

Moral:  People on twitter don’t know shit about cars but they are very entertaining.  Also my car is totally fucked.

Comment of the day: I feel bad I didn’t offer a suggestion now. Which would be “just go with it and tell the kid it’s a recession log ride.” See? Also not helpful. ~ lettergirl

141 thoughts on “Twitter will not fix your car.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you had some freak pig virus, Twitter would have been all over it with sage advice. You just picked the wrong emergency.

    P.S. Really sorry that happened to you and your vehicle. 🙁

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..Jeep Swine Flu

  2. It’s just because you asked the wrong questions. I want to know fifty words for fart and I have them in less than sixty seconds, but if I have a serious question about WordPress, the only help I get is fifty words for fart.

    Writer Dad’s last blog post..Rolling Through the Rough Draft

  3. Who suggested the dead hobos. That is awesome… and probably illegal… but some things that are illegal are still awesome. I bet they would feel useful for once.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..Jeep Swine Flu

  4. The pee thing might not be such a bad idea. You know. You seem to have a pee theme going on in your life right now…giraffe pee, pee colored blog, etc. I mean really, what do you have to lose other than your dignity? Oh right, the giraffe took that already.

    melistress’s last blog post..Into Your Ocean

  5. That’s interesting because I have the opposite problem- my window doesn’t go down. So if I go to a drive-thru at a restaurant, I have to order out of my backseat window.

    As if it isn’t socially unacceptable enough to be eating at McDonalds, I’m the redneck yelling out my backseat window that I’d really like to have that hamburger without pickles. Classy.

    Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Wanted: Good thoughts and prayers

  6. I saw a Saturn with a license plate holder that said, “Thank God NASA doesn’t fly Saturns”. Maybe it’s just the car.

  7. All this talk about peeing on the windows, peeing on the battery, peeing in the rain while looking at your pee yellow background has made me need to pee…it is like putting a sleeping girls hand in ice water while she sleeps.

    Shari’s last blog post..Rah, Rah, What?!?

  8. i am so fucking jealous that there are people who you follow on twitter and I am not one of them. I mean, sure you don’t know me, and I am just a rabid fan who rarely comments. But you never know, I could be an expert in Saturn Vue window electronics or some shit. What if you REALLY NEED ME at some point and you are like twittering for your life and I am the only one who has the answers?

    OTOH, my twitter sucks and it’s just me whining about life and you would have to totally wade through that shit on the off chance I may at some point be useful, so like I totally understand.

  9. um and I a moron. I meant to say people who YOU follow on twitter. I mean cause clearly I follow you and all. and now I am just some weird stalker chick who doesn’t even fucking make sense.

    [gildaradner]nevermind [/gildaradner]

  10. It’s obvious what happened. You tried to throw the bug out of your car and now it’s seeking its revenge. It started by sabotaging the windows. Next will be the brakes. Your only option now is to fill the car with spiders to hunt down the bug. But then you’ll have a car full of spiders.

    Steve’s last blog post..Metric

  11. I think what happened was that a Giant Squid wanted to come to your house for a visit, but obviously there is the problem of drying out on the way. Solution: wait for a rainy day, plant a bug in your car, and fix the windows so they only roll down. If I were you, I’d check the back seat, that’s probably where it is hiding.

  12. “I think the car will eventually dry…or smell.”

    Yes, unfortunately. It will smell like ass sweat. I know this from personal experience.

    I wish people on twitter would help me with useless crap. I still feel like I am sitting in the corner talking to myself most of the time. Which suits me. I can be a little self involved. Or so I tell myself.

    Jelly’s last blog post..Apparently it’s not just Mondays that hate me. It’s the universe.

  13. Your readers are oddly obsessed with you peeing on your car. Sounds like a fetish to me. Time to get a new reader fan base, my friend.

  14. “… Also my car is totally fucked.”
    but you already said that when you tweeted it was a Saturn Vue …

  15. “Pee on the battery” Sounds like something my father would say… “Oh, just pee on the battery”

    *shakes head*

    I would have told you to take it out on a date first.

  16. On top of laughing my ass of at this post, I then came and read the comments and laughed my other ass off. That’s how big my ass is. Now I can’t think of anything funny to say because I am laughing from these comments. Overflowing Brain about made me piss myself, but I was able to Kegel that shit up real quick.
    I am picturing you and Hailey screaming the entire drive home. Poor Hailey. I hope she recoved from this.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Dear (insert person, place or thing here) letters

  17. Laughed my butt off about the turn the car upside down and shake it comment! Oops. Just looked and butt is still there. I lied. Didn’t actually laugh my ass off. Hell, I can’t even work it off. Too lazy. Oh, well, hope you get the windows up so it will dry out or smell.

    Enchanted’s last blog post..Ding Dong

  18. Damnit! Apparently listening to “Car Talk” on NPR every Sunday is not the least bit helpful in remembering what to do in these situations or else I could have swooped in with some good, authoritative advice…maybe you could call them.

    Alexis’s last blog post..The ugly truth

  19. Yeah, it really looks like you need to squeegee all that runoff pee from your blog.

    I was gonna say the fuse, since it was all your windows, but other than that, just try pounding on the middle of the door with a fist or a rubber mallet while someone pushes the button to put each window up. Seriously. That works magic in Buicks, at least.

    Throw a tarp over that thing and hope for the best! Sorry life sucks right now.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Classic quotes, Vol. 13

  20. When this kind of stuff happens to me I usually just cry to The Man and throw hissy fits until he fixes it. So far it’s never failed me.

  21. This weird Christian marketing group is now following me on Twitter. And then today I was talking about boners or something and someone stopped following me, but it wasn’t my new business-minded Christian friends. I never learn anything interesting. Except for all the interesting things about myself (and Brent Spiner).

    Don’t they rent cars? You could get one of those.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Things that are not okay: Wanting to slather your naked self in frosting and only not doing it because you’re at tea with your mother-in-law who probably wouldn’t care if you did it but might still think less of you even though she might not say anything.

  22. Poor Hailey – first she barely survives the deadly Garlic fever epidemic, then she is exposed to the dark underbelly of the giraffe porn industry and finally nearly drowned in her mother’s car with the old “I can’t get them up” excuse. Has Child Services been contacted yet?

  23. All I can say is I’m so glad I don’t own a Satarn Vue. Now watch my windows won’t work on my Mustang tomorrow.

  24. We had a 98 Olds when I was growing up. It had an antenna that went up when you turned the car on. Except when it didn’t go up. Then you took the handle of the ice scraper (you don’t have one of those, which might be your first problem) and opened the passenger door and hit the thingy with the thingy and the antenna would go up and your and your teenage friends were good to go. And all the windows would freeze in the down position. Don’t know how to fix that one.

    Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..Is Your Glass Half-Full? I Can’t Tell Because of the Hard-Water Stains

  25. I actually did that thing where you have the child lock on. I didn’t have children at the time. I hit it by accident. I went home and told my husband the window wouldn’t roll down. He took the whole door apart before he finally figured it out. It sucked, but was also kind of funny. We have a kid now. Looking at this comment, it occurs to me that perhaps we shouldn’t have reproduced.

    Jennie’s last blog post..Totally Random Crap (a.k.a. I don’t feel like working at 2:30 pm on a Friday.)

  26. All humor aside, go digging for a Saturn dealer you trust. Personal experience with my Vue (and a new engine plus another $2500 in miscellaneous repairs later) tells me it is NOT the one on the Gulf Freeway. If possible, find one not even owned by the same people as that one. I mean it.

    And don’t go out today–it’s supposed to keep raining

    Dynila’s last blog post..Tuesday Tirade: Off Again!

  27. Hmmm… i definitely don’t think it’s swine flu. BUT you did have some scarlet fever flying around your house last week …. very suspicious. Dump some of that amoxicillin in the gas tank – hey, it *could* work you know.

    Perhaps you should have torched the car along with your dishwasher – or you should have at least gone through the car wash with the windows open – or maybe you DID and now you’ve fried the electical that used to make your windows work.

    Either way your screwed.

  28. Ignore these suggestions. They are how you protect yourself from Swine Flu. Everyone knows you drape yourself in hobos for THAT.

  29. I don’t know how this happens. I check your blog EVERY DAY for a week and NOTHING IS NEW. So I go offline for ONE freaking day and come back to see you have two posts and over 200 comments. I want to steal your internet mojo. Or at least find some for myself.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Oh. I Thought This Was the Point, Actually

  30. “A recession log ride” – that’s too funny even though it’s not helpful.

    Just reboot, wait 5 seconds and turn it on again. Problem solved.

  31. i had a car that did this once.
    i wound down the windows when the air-con broke, and they wouldn’t wind back up. for the whole of the three hour motorway journey i had left!
    if i knew peeing on the battery would work, i’d have definately tried it. or gotten someone to pee on it for me – it doesn’t sound very ladylike.

    em’s last blog post..Times are a changing

  32. I think it’s obvious: you quit your job at the God place, right? How do you think God feels about that? He gives your first born bubonic swine fever or whatever, he nukes your blog, and he somehow manages to make it rain on you when you’re not even outside. Clearly the answer is to welcome Jesus into your fuel injector so that your car is born again. That or join a convent, but I don’t think God will appreciate a nun who swears as much as you do.

  33. I was concerned at first that your blog was not going to be properly color coordinated today. Fortunately, all of your readers helped you out with all the peeing suggestions.

    And for the record…try taking the car to a.) a mechanic or b.) the dealership.

    If you want to fix it for free, then it’s garbage bags and duct tape.

    a’s last blog post..I love the news!

  34. I once got in my old car and started to back out of my spot only to discover that when I turned the wheel AT ALL, even a smidge, my horn would honk. So smart little me drives it down some of my town’s main roads hoping it’ll eventually stop. Back then, I didn’t have Twitter to help me, but I did have a boyfriend who did some google searching, and at the end of the day, he was just about as useless as Twitter, but nowhere near as funny.

    Samantha’s last blog post..My cat is an attention whore, even when I sleep.

  35. I have a Vue too, but never had this problem. If it happens to me tonight, I’m going to pee on yours (ok, I can’t come to TX, but I’ll send a vial of pee and you can toss it on the car).

    Take a hammer and smash the other windows, then call your insurance company and have them pay to replace all the window, but drive it through the car wash first.

  36. Peeing on the battery only works on Toyotas. In Saturns you have to pee directly on the window motor, but it has to be done by a certified Goodwrench mechanic or it will void the warranty. That’s how they get you.

    mayopie’s last blog post..Bathroom gravy

  37. Well my hobo suggestion wasn’t technically to fix the windows. Just, you know, to block the rain. One of my windows has been broken for approximately one million years so I’m clearly not someone who knows how to fix that shit.

    Just a Girl’s last blog post..Sunday Morning Therapy

  38. GIT OUTTA HERE!!! The Passenger side window on my car just crapped out on me yesterday! I think it’s a pandemic. Luckily, we’ve had really nice weather the past 2 days. I think it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, so maybe I should have someone look at it.

    Catizhere’s last blog post..Easter Finery

  39. My usual MO for fixing my car problems is to turn up the radio. However, in this case, I guess you would have ended up soaked, but with a soundtrack.

  40. I can always count on your website to fulfill my quiet yet deep need for mentions of pee and hobos.

  41. I just got back from a trip to Lethbridge, Alberta, and those peeps totally believe in UFOs and Lizard People and shit. I bet they’d be able to fix your car with a telepathic mechanic.

    CasaRosa’s last blog post..The Road Warriors Are Back

  42. This is TOO funny! I happen to have a Saturn Vue and I roll all my windows down at the same time all the time.. they don’t get stuck! lol I too have asked those types of questions on Twitter… I never got that many interesting responses though! Hope you get it fixed…:)

    Chrissy Morin’s last blog post..Thyme the Herb in your Garden

  43. the same thing happened to my husbands car, we arent sure why, but it smelled pretty awful after it dried. While mentioning this to my mother in law, she promptly told me that it was probably a demon and I should pray over it to cast it out of the car.

    Yeah…the mildew demon. You’ve never heard of it either? Weird.

    bekah’s last blog post..That Pesky Brother in Law of Mine…

  44. I cannot give you any better advice than you have already received . . .
    Only to caution that there is some advice that others may give you which is only going to make your life worse, not better. Better that your life not be worse than it already is, since you’re obviously on a one way greased off ramp to Hell, my Bloggess friend.
    I suggest that the easiest thing to do is tear the door off the vehicle and take it to the nearest window dressing shop and ask them to make some nice shower curtains for it.
    See? Sound, easy advice. One more to add to your prized collection.

  45. The same thing happened to an old banger I had when I was young and poor. And the boot didn’t open either. I don’t know what was in it, nor did I ever find out, as it was still stuck shut when I sold it. Also, the windscreen wipers were tempramental so I couldn’t go out if it looked like it might rain. Once I was driving on the freeway and got caught in a freak downpour, and couldn’t see anything. I had to manouver the car across three lanes of traffic while frantically hitting the wipers and praying for them to work. Then they got a sudden lease of life and got so excited to be working the wiper on the drivers’ side flung off the windshield and was sticking out past the driver’s door. But it was STILL GOING, frantically clearing water from an imaginary windshield. People were driving past, staring at me, just going, ‘dude, buy a new car’.

    *Man* that car was a piece of shit.

    Sorry about your windows.

    FruGal’s last blog post..David Cameron: thrift’s new poster boy

  46. OK I want to rescind the advice I gave earlier.
    There’s no reason to take the door off the vehicle and get shower curtains.

    And there’s no reason why the windows have to go up and down, is it?
    All it does is create wind and internal bugs and lend to a mother’s concern that her daughter may have bailed on the interstate.

    So Have Non-Opening Bulletproof Glass Installed On All The Doors—-you’ll feel safer, you’ll be able to drive through those “difficult” neighborhoods, and you won’ t have to worry about those bothersome insects again. Plus, if there’s that ‘special withdrawal’ at the bank you’ve been thinking about for some time——now you’ll have the vehicle for it.

  47. Sell it to someone on a diet, you’ll never go through the drive thru again….unless your not like me and actually take it to get fixed.

  48. the problem is that automatic windows suck trucknutz. i managed to pay extra for a car with the “manual window roll-down” feature. with the handles and whatnot! just like in the 1890s! works like a charm.

    highway’s last blog post..My Superbowl Picks

  49. I hate you for not posting a new blog everyday.
    Where is my lmao reading for the day?!

  50. I learned the hard way that fixing anything on a Saturn is harder than it needs to be. Maybe you should just toss it out and get something else? That was my plan before I realized I don’t make enough money to get a new car.

  51. I don’t get it. Why use dead hobos? Why not have them walk along side the car or run?
    That way the rain can’t get in.

  52. I was under the impression that power windows wouldn’t work on every single model of car ever invented if the car was off. However, I neither drive, nor own a car, and when I did, I didn’t have power windows. What I do have is a basic understand what the word power means. Still, I feel the need to google it.

    Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Being Lucky

  53. How do all these people think you were driving down the road with your ignition off? Who are these people and what sort of cars do they drive? For some reason, I can only get my Honda to drive when the power is on. Huh, funny.

    Perhaps you should name your car and try sweet talking it. That always works for “Gadget” (as in Go Go Gadget Honda). Ok, well not always. Sometimes it just makes you look more crazy when you are screaming curse words at “Gadget” in the car by yourself. Ok ok, I am so not a pro advise giver like you. I just end up sounding more crazy…and around here that is hard to do.

  54. OMG! I didn’t know Gadget read your blog. Now she is refusing to roll up my driver side window. Crap!

  55. It’s actually probably the tiny window motor. We had a similar problem with my husband’s P.O.S. Firebird. A friend fixed it for some beer and pizza though! Savings of about $400.

  56. THIS is the reason to have old-fashioned roll up by hand windows.

    The other reason is if you drive off a bridge into the lake and the power goes out so you’ll be able to unroll the windows by hand and get out of the car and not die.

    class factotum’s last blog post..The $70 tomato

  57. Comment 13 – you slay me!

    Jenny, I wish I was there so I could have driven along side you screaming WOLVERINES to divert the attention.

  58. This post is absolutely hilarious and hilarious. I don’t use twitter, however I have added a few good feedback to their FB page. I like how you stated that the unicorn who threw in the 90s. If anyone is ever in doubt that autistic individuals lack a sense of humor or sarcasm, they ought to be directed right here.

  59. THIS is the motivation to have older style roll up by hand windows. The other explanation is in the event that you drive off an extension into the lake and the power goes out so you’ll have the option to unroll the windows manually and escape the vehicle and not pass on. class handyman’s last blog entry..Caravan Doors

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