My readers are occasionally more fucked up than me and that’s why I love them so damn much

So yesterday I was writing a SexIs column about weird looking guys I would do and I could only come up with like 10 so I asked people on twitter which strange-looking guys they think are hot and holy shit, y’all. Like, at first it was all “I’m slightly attracted to Mickey Rooney” and “I’d date Ron Perlman” and within minutes it turned into this:



And that’s why my sex column today is officially more safe for work than this post.  I don’t even know how that happened.

Comment of the day: Danny Trejo. And Grace Jones. And The Predator. I’m going to marry The Predator. He’s going to have to get used to apartment living though ’cause I’m not moving to the jungle. ~ Sawing on a Jawbone

140 thoughts on “My readers are occasionally more fucked up than me and that’s why I love them so damn much

Read comments below or add one.

  1. ROFL! Wow. Just wow. People have very creative sexual minds. How exactly does a monkey ride an elephant? The Lil Wayne comment about made me throw up because I’m sure it’s true. Bleh! Now I have to go read today’s sex post you sex pots!

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Welcome back to the daily grind

  2. I originally was going to answer Russell Brand but I don’t think that is all that odd…or maybe it is…who knows. But then I remembered my huge crush as a teenager on Richard Moll…go figure?!

    melistress’s last blog post..Mother

  3. Me, I want a piece of Andy Samberg. Is that weird? I want his “I’m On a Boat” persona, so I can wear his nautical themed pashmina afghan during.

  4. I’m with melistress on the Russel Brand but I’d have to add in Noel Fielding with that also and Eddie Izzard. Nothin like some complicated, silly Brits to make you wanna shag.

  5. “A monkey on an elephant”
    That image will stay with me forever. I can just imagine a tiny little monkey humping furiously at an elephant’s back. The real question: would the elephant even notice? Or does the elephant know that he’s a pity fuck and just take what he can get?

  6. Ok – thank you for planting this seed in my brain because I had the most explicitly disturbing dream last night of Dennis Farina.


  7. Um. Alton Brown. From Good Eats. Maybe Rick Steves from those travel videos. Can’t believe I just typed that and am about to publish it for the Whole Damn Internet to see. Oh well. Alton or Rick, if you read the Bloggess, gimme a call, okay?

  8. Gingela5 said ” Gil Grissom” from CSI. Oh, yes. In a heartbeat. Brooding, intelligent, dark. Any day. Also, the star from “Life”. He’s strange, but “sexy ugly” (from Kissing Jessica Stein).


  9. Um, hello–Tony Soprano. At his fattest, in his most threadbare wifebeater.

    Maggie’s last blog post..

  10. Too bad Dumbledore is gay. Duh.

    Also, Maxie loves Lil Wayne so much. She’s a brave soul for even thinking of touching him!

  11. Hey if Alton Brown cuts it as “weird”, then Mike Holmes:

    I even bought my husband a pair of those overalls AND a wifebeater (thanks Maggie, for the reminder…mmm… undershirt…), said “wear this”. Then I took a picture of him with his arms crossed, pooching out his biceps. It’s for when he’s working. On the house. True story. You don’t get it here. Maybe someday I’ll post it. Someday when he’s not looking.

    harmzie’s last blog post..A Lot of Wining, a Little Dining

  12. Ew. That movie “Happiness” scared the crap out of me and I still can’t look at some of the people in it. It totally had that Ned Beatty in “Deliverance” affect on me.

  13. I’m not sure why Johnny Depp is funny lookin as Captain Sparrow but considered assumably do-able as Willy Wonka. I think the Wonka persona is more disturbing and would thus be more of the category weirdlookingguysiwouldstillhavesexwith, and less…
    Ooh, I totally would do Johnny Depp as Edward Scissor-Hands. um… sorry can no longer finish my original thought, have wonderful fantasy going on now…

    One Reader’s last blog post..Flowers, Casa & Hair

  14. After this we had a discussion about whether Jonah Hill is funny enough to do.

    I voted yes, yes, and YES.

    Maxie’s last blog post..My Secret

  15. Also, I’d happily cough up hair balls after sha-boinking Chewbacca! Rawr!

    He’s big and strong … and all over I assume. See that pigeon-toed walk he has? It’s ‘cos he’s tucking “stuff” in like a proper sasquatchian creature would so no one gets intimidated … or so I hear.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Just A Little Giggle

  16. Uhhh…lesseee now.
    Steve Buscemi, really thought I was alone in finding him so…”intriguing”, but glad to see him on Blogess’ list.
    Tim Roth, kind of needs to wash his hair in his that new Fox show, but still totally do-able….all sad eyes and all.
    And Stephen Colbert, TOTALLY Stephen Colbert.
    Yep…agree with the Edward Scissorhands version of Johnny Depp, but hell any version of Johnny Depp works for me. The weirder the better.
    Jason Schwartzman, so strung out in Spun…so hot.
    And yep, Alton Brown too. I can see that, absolutely.
    Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs, he’s more conventionally attractive, but I’d do him in a sewer in a minute.

  17. I would do naughty things to Ben from Lost. Mmm… Evil and Manipulation.

  18. @Maxie I almost called off our engagement because of that. But then you would have pointed out that I have a thing for Sylar, but not the actor or as any other role, only the character who is a sociopathic mass murderer, and what does that say about me?

    Mostly that I’d let Sylar cut my forehead open, so long as his P was in my V, methinks.

    LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: Little Red Corvette (Worcester Style)

  19. @LiLu I would never call off our engagement. I love boning murderers. Remember that time I dated the guy that stabbed someone to death. That was a hoot. I also think Robert De Niro was pretty hot in Hide and Seek. Spoiler alert: he’s the killer.

    I think the follow up to this question should be hot guys we WOULDNT do b/c they’re such jackasses. George Bush. What, no one else thinks he’s hot?

    Maxie’s last blog post..My Secret

  20. Dr. Cox (hee-hee) on Scrubs. I often have dreams about him. I used to have dreams about Howard Stern too, but Perry Cox has taken his place.

  21. During the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings, I had a big thing for Joe Biden. Yes, Joe Biden. I probably wouldn’t do him now, mind you, but then, oh yes. I’d also say John Malkovich, because he looks like he could do impressive things with that strange over-annunciating mouth of his.

  22. Oh, I’d also add Andy Samberg, precisely because of that nose of his, and Rahm Emmanuel, for his intensity.

  23. “PS. Yes, I’m aware that the list of people I’d do is longer than the list of people I wouldn’t do but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore. It means I’m *agreeable*.”

    Can this just replace the word “slut” from now on? Thanks!

    shine’s last blog post..Maybe it’s just me?

  24. The 17 year old Russian Chekov from the new startrek movie. That accent… mm!

  25. Hugh Laurie is a dish, cane or no cane.

    And I’ve had a disturbing crush on Jim Broadbent for as long as I can remember. So keep your Shaun of the Dead. Hot Fuzz is my triple treat 🙂

    jenniebee’s last blog post..Grumpykins

  26. Johnny Knoxville. Can’t explain it but I totally would do his skinny, weird little ass. Oh and Rutegar Hauer, totally. He has that “I’m sex even with the receding hair line” thing going on.

  27. Fantastic idea for a list. I’ve always had the hots for Willem Dafoe. Ever since Platoon.

    Going off of the list that you posted… Eddie Izzard, yes please and thank you very much. Definitely with the eyeliner. And Alan Rickman, Benicio Del Toro, Hugh Laurie and Gary Oldman too.

    Wendy’s last blog post..I’ll Take Timezones for 100

  28. Sawing on a Jawbone:
    “Danny Trejo. And Grace Jones. And The Predator. I’m going to marry The Predator. He’s going to have to get used to apartment living though, ’cause I’m not moving to the jungle.”
    Yes! Yes! YES!! Isn’t the Predator fuggin’ sexy as hell?! I’d grab ahold of those dreadlocks and pop off a few good ones …

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Just A Little Giggle

  29. I’d like to rock Donald Trump’s world. And then I’d request some alone time with his hair piece 😉

  30. Wendy:

    Yes! Willem Dafoe! Definitely.

    I also concur with anything Johnny Depp (but I don’t think that is all that odd) Hugh Laurie, Jeff Goldblum, Sylar (again, I don’t find that odd), John Malkovich and Stephen Colbert.

    I think I would also like to add Anthony Hopkins, Stephen Tyler, and Charles Keating.

    I think I just have a thing for the British and tall skinny guys with long hair and wide mouths.

    melistress’s last blog post..Mother

  31. I’m going to use a lady because I’m penised: Nancy Pelosi. Well, not use her like “use her for sex” but use her for the purpose of this comment. But I would totally use her for sex.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..Donald Trumps us all

  32. I’m certain this is going to top all the wierdness you have so far received. When I lived in the Ft Wayne IN area we were surrounded by the Amish. After awhile I got to be slightly attracted to the young ones and as it progressed they became suddenly down right sexy! Dressed in those blue nondescript short sleeved shirts, the blue pants held up with suspenders, the boots, the smell of farm animals and honest manly sweat, the straw hats and the brown skin, the unwavering blue eyes….well, they became sexier then hell. Just thinking about them, the young virile ones…wow.

    alphawoman’s last blog post..Where did I put that darn Camera?

  33. This has nothing to do with today’s blog but I just have to share, although get Alton Brown into my kitchen naked with some olive oil and we’ll just see what happens… so anyway I was on Facebook the other day and one of my friends- in his “What’s on your mind” thingy wrote “going to wolverine tonight” OMG! I was so excited! So of course I commented “WOLVERINES!!!!”. I have to send him that link… anyhoo I kept going back to check and see if anybody commented on my comment but I don’t think they got it. Oh well… And then I was going to say “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!” But I didn’t want him to think I was too weird. And by the way, I rented Soylent Green because I wanted to be cool and know what y’all were talking about and I watched it and it was the wierdest movie I have ever seen in my life and now I am worried that we will all come to that and I REALLY DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A CAR AND EAT PEOPLE!

  34. My vision includes BOTH Russell Brand and Eddie Izzard, with Philip Seymour Hoffman (wearing only a painfully short, terrycloth robe) bringing us iced tea and finger bowls.

    barbara’s last blog post..Where have YOU been?

  35. I wish comeone would call me a cunt. That’s like calling a cab. right?

  36. Wow. Noel Fielding. I totally agree. Mullet, big sunglasses and random colored cowboy hat. Oh yeah.

  37. Ummm, I have always been so hot for Dan Haggerty. Yea, he is the same age as my dad, but dammnn all that facial hair….Gotta love a big strong woodsy man with lots of facial hair!

    Gayla Smith’s last blog post..

  38. You are SO followed on twitter now; I can’t believe I missed out on this fun.

    Snape and a half. *shivers*
    And Gil Grissom, yes.
    I think those are the only two the only “weirdos” I’ve actually entertained thoughts of snogging with. More than once.

    However, if we can PG it down to “people I have found attractive against my will”, I could definitely get on the list for David Spade, Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa, Ryan Skiles from Whose Line, Drew Carey sometimes, Oliver Platt (in particular, as Porthos in 3 musketeers), that one skinny bad-guy guy with the long greasy hair from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves + 3 musketeers (too lazy to look up on imdb), and Ron Rifkin (sloane from Alias).

    And just since I’m on a roll, I’ll add that I did also get some inappropriate flutters for (a) young Daniel Radcliffe, about movie 2-3, (b) peter pan from that live action PP flick, and (c) William Moseley (peter) in the most recent Narnia movie. Although that last one is the spit and image of my longtime high school crush/bestfriend/it never went anywhere but it should have, damn it/heartbreak guy, so, I have an excuse for that one.

    I don’t think Jack Sparrow counts as weird looking, although he does have that weird, like, STD open sore on his face (seriously, that’s what they intended it to be).

    On the “hell, no, we won’t go” list, I think Kevin Bacon is the ugliest “hot guy” ever.

  39. It’s Steve Buscemi for me. Weird, fucked-up, sexy ugly. And here I have this really pretty cute husband. The best part, though, is I tell him that I love SB because he’s so sexy ugly and he gets it. I shoulda wrote that into our vows. Though he’s never told me his, so I’m constantly left wondering who it is. The bee girl from the Blind Melon song? Oh, but wait, that would be gross, too, and then I’d have to kick him out.

  40. Daniel Day Lewis à la There Will Be Blood: I want to drink his milkshake.

    Jermaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords: One word – lips.

  41. I agree on Steve Buscemi and Adrien Brody. Especially Adrien Brody. What a fox.

  42. I’m a lesbian and I just love Eddie Izzard in or out of drag.

  43. Okay, clearly some people do not get the question because they’re naming people who are not, by any measure, weird looking. Some of you, on the other hand, completely get the question and have some seriously awkward sex in store. I’ll leave you to sort out which is which.

    Naptimewriting’s last blog post..Yeah, you do.

  44. At this point in the game, does Jeff Goldblum count? And if not, I’ll take Oliver Platt behind Door number 2 after Tracy is done with him.

  45. I have to agree with Catherine, Snape does it for me. And my daughters. I was all ‘oooh Snape, come to mama’ and then Moo was all ‘He is mine!’ and I told her that she would just have to get in line and she was all ‘I can give him something you can’t, my VIRGINITY’

    And you just can’t beat that shit. Dammit.

    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo’s last blog post..This made me gaffaw. And not throw up in my mouth at all. Well, maybe just a little, cause you know the whole sympathy vomiting thing.

  46. Rob Lowe looks more and more like Chad every damn day, but I’d still wrassle that fool’s pants off.

    ….and also Dwight Yoakam if I was blind drunk and he kept his hat slung way, waaaay low.

    Bill Murray, but specifically the Bill Murray from Broken Flowers.

    Gordon Ramsay?

    Holy shit, someone said ‘Chewbacca’ and I heard the baby Jesus wail, I swear. Then the Amish joined the party and all I can think of is how many crazily-worded hits you’re gonna get off this one post alone. I wanna know what Nancy thinks of all this.

  47. Whoa. Okay, I totally forgot about Dr. Cox from Scrubs! Yum! And seriously, Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs is H.O.T., so we can’t really say we would do him ‘even though he’s fugly’. Damn. But I would. Do him.

    And LMAO!!!: “He can bang me like a screen door in a hurricane.”

    Danielle’s last blog post..The Power of the Mommy hormone

  48. Yes, yes. Gil Grissom from CSIR does it for me too. I also like Eric from Bold and the Beautiful. And that guy from Law and Order, Criminal Intent. Growl.

    Sid’s last blog post..Last Request

  49. That “ammer” chick sounds like she’s on the more fun side of dementia. Oh! And she’s totally wanted a slice of Eddie Izzard In Drag for years now. Don’t ask me how I know that. By the way, I’ve never understood the excitement of role-playing. Anyway, I think he looks 10x hotter out of drag. I’m not gay, though.

    WazNeeni’s last blog post..Arrogant Dickhead

  50. I had a sex dream about Leslie Nielson one time. Yeah.. the guy from the Naked Gun movies. It was hot.

    LOLing at the SlackMistress. Peter Lorre does win I think. I’m having a hard time thinking of anyone in history less sexy. Maybe Jabba the Hutt.

  51. Jeffrey Dahmer

    Now who picked the weirdest?

    OK, and Stephen Fry, Gabriel Byrne, Dylan Moran, Alan Bates, Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Alan Davies…. so many odd looking (and often dead) celebrities, so little time…

    Also, too many people called Alan. My Dad’s name is Alan.

    blueskies’s last blog post..A Little Ode

  52. I can finally admit that I have a weird fastasy that involves Tony Soprano, not the actor James Gandelfini, just Tony….

  53. Oh! Im with the Rickman fans! (and im 26! :D) and you know who else? I loooooved Russell Crowe when he was all fat and old in “The Insider”– Adrien Brody, hot hot hot….

    And Tony Soprano – me too! 😀 Oh! Kevin Spacey too– but is he ugly? Not really– is he? 😀

  54. I would secretly booty call with:
    1] Kid Rock cause he’s a white trash, cigar smokin’, greasy hair, American bad ass
    2] Bill Gates (we all want to know what that would be like… giggidy giggidy!)

    1] would throw me around and 2] would just throw money at me. Hopefully. 😉

  55. Gordon Ramsey
    Shepard Smith from Fox News
    Fred Weller from In Plain Sight

    Admittedly, I do not find these people to be super weird looking. Just throwing them out there.

    Also, what the hell is a Snape?

  56. Hahaha oh dear.

    On a completely different note (sorta), you know how there’s sometimes vending machines in the toilets selling things like feminine hygeine products and some basic condoms? Well, I saw this vending machine in an ordinary looking pub toilet in Edinburgh, and it sold so many awesome things, including those rabbit ear vibrators and a blow up pig – it didn’t say what that was used for. I wish I’d taken a picture of this machine (to send to you, of course)… and yes, I contemplated buying the pig for curiosity’s sake.

  57. I cannot believe no one mentioned Andy Dick.

    It’s all in the name.

  58. I used to watch Labyrinth whenever I had sleepovers so my friends and I could pause at the parts with Bowie and stare at the crotch of his pants (there was significant and identifiable bulge)… this was when aol was real big and parents could lock you off the internet successfully and before everyone started having sex at 10.

  59. When I was about 13 I had a crush on Joel from the Satellite of Love, MST3K. I sent him a flirty note (as flirty as things can get when you’re working with pencil on lined notebook paper) and I still think about him. Also have my moments watching West Wing and lusting after Joshua Lyman (Bradley Whitford) and my husband makes fun of me for this.

  60. Once more, you’re proven the worth and beauty of Twitter. Social media is a powerful tool. And hey, now you know you don’t have to block these followers. How would we all survive without people offering up their thoughts on the scent of Lil Wayne’s grill?

    emma’s last blog post..For Jamie

  61. OK, guy here and not partcularly gay, but Walter Cronkite… why are you all looking at me like that?

  62. Oh I soooo agree with the Snape post. i don’t know what it is about him! he’s so evil, mean, nasty…

  63. Yay for your new site design! And wow…your readers…wow. Talk about losing all inhibitions when you’re behind that computer screen.

    sabrina’s last blog post..Care Bear Stare!

  64. HellBoy. The horns and tail don’t scare me at all. Neither does the huge hand. And I just realized that this comment sounds dirtier than I meant it to be. But HellBoy is hooot!

    Elisa’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Stella!

  65. This sure looks like fun. But for the guys [-or- butt: for the guys] you might have to do “Which ‘beautiful’ celeb would you not do?”

  66. Gary Oldman- esp. as Dracula. Lordee, he was hot.

    & I loved David Bowie so much in Labyrinth that I named my oldest son Jarreth. (yeah, I added an “r”- one “r” looked doofy to me)

  67. Where the fuck is Seth Rogen’s name.. I don’t see it anywhere. I can’t be the only one with a thing for Jewish potheads!? …I would tap that so. so. so. hard.

  68. Iggy Pop totally turns me on, I guess it’s that strung-out-on-heroin look

  69. Iggy Pop totally turns me on, I guess it’s that strung-out-on-heroin look

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